Sentiments from an Enslaved Sissy

BDSM Theory - What Makes a Domme Tick?

2012-02-01T23:05:00.000-06:00

This is my first post in a while.

I have explored hundreds of different aspects of submission. When I get to know a Domme I can usually anticipate some of her views and reactions to different subjects, but that’s only on a basic level. Being that I’m not dominant and I’m male, trying to understand a Domme requires a lot of extrapolation but I want to give it a try on a level beyond just the “advantages” of having a sub. This is sort of a response to my "Submissive Loop" blog entry from a while back.

My apologies if I go round about in this analysis… this is undiscovered territory for me and I’m not sure just how I’ll get to a conclusion or if I can.

I think the first thing to note is the difference in arousal between women and men. I’ve often heard it phrased that men are like a light switch: you can turn him on or off. Women are more like boiling a pot of water: they have to heat up before they reach a boil. I pretty much take this as a given.

Arousal in women tends to be more emotionally and environmentally driven than it is in men. I’ve thought a lot about the difference in subspace for male subs and femsubs and read a lot on the subject. The consensus is generally that men reach arousal and subspace simultaneously if a subspace trigger is applied. Women differ in that they need to first enter subspace and then they get aroused. Basically, an environment ripe with triggers is necessary to get them turned on. I have a feeling there is a similar process involving Domspace in that she probably has to feel dominant before she can get really turned on by it.

The closest I can relate to Domspace comes from my athletics background. I was pretty good at several sports and I know the huge rush that occurs when you drill a quarterback so hard he blows snot into his facemask or when you’re up to bat and the pitcher may as well put the ball on a tee for you. It’s a feeling of supreme control… and power… your thoughts are along the lines of “I own you, you’re my bitch.” I have a feeling that Domspace probably has a similar type of rush to it (but I could be wrong).

This leads me to believe that Domspace and its sexual connection probably happen in a similar manner for Dommes. A Domme has her Domspace triggers that bring about feelings of (or the desire for) power and control. As these triggers are applied and the environment continues to promote her Domspace, her dominant feelings will build until there is a link between her feelings of dominance and her arousal.

I believe many of these Domspace triggers can be found in ritual: a sub prostrating himself at her feet to greet her, placing a collar around the sub’s neck, inspecting his body to see he is properly groomed or dressed, teasing him and watching his cock rise, and so on. I can see many of these as providing “fuel for the fire” so to speak. These provide symbolism of power and control. They may also serve double purpose by initiating or continuing a sub’s descent into subspace.

When that link has been established, I believe her turn ons get a bit more personal. To put it bluntly, she has certain things that get her (more) wet. These are the things that she focuses on while masturbating or receiving sexual pleasure and are probably quite unique from woman to woman. These are her ideal fantasies.

Here I come to my first great hurdle. Are Domspace triggers separate from turn ons or are they one and the same? Do they start separately but then become almost the same thing once she reaches her “boiling point?”
My best guess is that before she is very aroused, Domspace triggers serve more as a “mood builder” than a turn on, but after reaching a high state of arousal, they act as more of a turn on while still increasing the heights of Domspace.

To make this more clear, I will list a couple of examples and separate them into their components.
To a Domme that enjoys chastity:
-A whimpering and denied boy desperate for release acts as a Domspace trigger in regards to her being the one in control of his release, while the begging and desperation acts as a turn on.
-Closing the lock on a device acts as a Domspace trigger in regards in terms of the power aspect and a turn on at the boy’s reaction and suffering.
-Teasing a locked sub probably acts as more of a turn on than trigger.

To a Domme that enjoys spanking:
-Having a sub tied up helpless in front of her acts as a Domspace trigger knowing that he is suffering for her and a turn on knowing that he is helpless.
-A sub’s cries of pain act as more of a turn on. Making him thank her for each hit acts as more of a Domspace trigger.
-Feeling like she is “correcting” his behavior is a Domspace trigger. Hitting him is the turn on.

When I think about this and try to empathize with these scenarios, I would have to continue along my earlier train of thought: before she reaches high arousal, Domspace triggers are most important. Once she reaches high arousal, Domspace triggers and turn ons feel almost the same.

There is another wildcard that should definitely be mentioned but I can’t relate to at all, but women don’t “crash” after a single orgasm. I am extremely curious as to the effects of an orgasm on this, e.g. does it heighten the intensity of both Domspace and arousal? Is there a point where so many orgasms have taken place that it eventually causes a crash? I do know for certain that women do reach a point of exhaustion, does that signify the crash point?

That is a fascinating topic in its own right.

Here is a simple summary that I have come to as a hypothesis:
-A Domme experiences Domspace triggers and gradually increases her feelings of dominance. Erotic rituals contribute heavily to this process.
-When her dominant feelings build to a sufficient degree within a positive environment, her Domspace will form a link between her dominant feelings and arousal.
-The dominant feelings continue to build until her arousal reaches a “boiling point.”
-When that point has been reached, Domspace triggers will contribute mainly to her arousal and turn ons will have a significant effect on her arousal.
-Pre-exhaustion orgasms will continue to heighten Domspace and increase arousal.

I wonder if this is correct at all in the slightest. Any feedback is welcome. I’m sorry this was such a mess, this really was new ground for me to try and tread in.

Teaser

2012-01-11T04:49:00.000-06:00

Who would be intrested in [blank]?

2012-01-10T00:27:00.000-06:00

One of the most difficult things for veteran submissives is having to re-enter the "dating scene." We are no longer a fresh ball of clay waiting to be shaped. We have been shaped and reshaped, and a few parts of us have become so defined that they're almost stuck like that for good.

There are advantages and disadvantages of being this way and honestly, being a veteran rather than a newbie really only affects things in the short run. However, the short run has to happen before there can be a long run so it's also a large stumbling block. I have met Dommes that have a preference for both types. Some don't want to waste lots of time training a lamb and in many cases it's the lambs that are the first to bolt when they get scared. Others love the thought of breaking-in a virgin ass and making the first big splash in their kink life.

I think it is safe to assume that no one wants to be constantly shuffling through submissives while searching for a "good one." Even the Dommes that prefer lambs generally just want a clean slate where they aren't being compared to other women and the training process is an emotionally bonding experience that builds love and trust.

Some of the primary advantages to having experience:
-Veteran subs may have more realistic expectations. You aren't (completely) off in fantasy-land. Your expectations of a Domme and responsibilities as a sub will be within reasonable bounds.
-Veteran subs may have fewer limits. Novices that aren't aware of the depths of subspace they may reach (or what it takes to reach them). Experienced subs probably have a greater breadth of experience to draw from and in turn, are often willing to endure more things.
-Veteran subs are experienced at fulfilling our roles.

Disadvantages:
-Veteran subs will have more strongly ingrained fetish needs and probably be more strict about any hard limits they may have. Think: "He's perfect, except he's really into [blank]." or "He's perfect, except he refuses to do [blank]."
-Veteran subs have a greater risk of having their previous submission experiences rubbing off on how they try to submit in the future. If they were trained in a strict environment they will likely be hesitant to act without direction. If they were allowed to roam "free," they may bring many bad habits to the table.
-Veteran subs are at a higher risk of bringing emotional baggage. Everyone has their demons... but D/s break-ups are rarely mutual. This is a safe assumption to make.

Do these even matter? Should they even matter? I never really know. I'd like to think that every sub is given a clean slate chance to prove themselves worthy through individual merits. I'd also love to believe that dating never happens based upon looks alone, that Santa Claus is real, and that people are always given opportunities based upon their abilities.

Sadly, veteran subs do eventually develop a submissive identity that is given a shallow label (or two) that most closely defines them. e.g. service slave, domestic servant, sissy maid, cuckold, pain slut, cum slut, and the like. Even more sad is that there is enough of a negative demographic to often provide stigmas attached to each label (read as: subs that send a picture of their cock in their first contact email to a Domme along with a message along the lines of "u r hot. dominat me.").

I guess I'm trying to figure out if being a veteran is more of an advantage than a hindrance. I guess it varies case by case... just as everything else does.

Downs and Ups, Ups and Downs (Part 3)

2012-01-09T02:45:00.000-06:00

Saturday finally arrived. We had made plans to meet up with another Femdom D/s couple that I met through our blogs. We went early and went shopping at an upscale department store. Shopping was a bit disappointing, we both love fur and there were hardly any "good" items available for either of us. We left the store and met up with the couple for Dinner at a local BBQ restaurant.

We chatted and ate before heading to a bar to get a drink and talk some more. Luckily it was fairly early and we were able to find a private spot with no one nearby. They are a charming couple and we had a great time. I'm glad that we had that experience and I hope we can meet up again soon.

The evening ended smoothly and we watched a DVD before going to sleep on the earlier side of things. Today we didn't have anything planned but we got up and going fairly late today. We went shopping at a local bargain clothing store before dinner and bought our first "fun" things of the year together. She found a fur-trimmed hat, fur trimmed scarf, and fur scarf that went with some of her coats. We found the same hat but in off-white for me. This was literally the first time we bought "play" clothes this winter. She is now at work but the evening ended smoothly again.

I feel really fucked up over the turn of events that went on, but the both of us seem a lot better after going out with the other couple on Saturday.

I have realized that I am pretty much suffering from battered woman syndrome. I do think if it gets that bad again I will be able to break things off. The idea of that is still scary though... I'm not sure if it's better to be safe and alone or abused and together.

On another random note, my CB-6000S cage arrived late last week and I was able to give it a trial run. Getting a good fit on the CB-6000 has been a bit of a challenge. The 6000s alleviated some of these issues since my penis doesn't get "stuck" against cage wall when it attempts an erection like it did with the standard 6000 cage. I also found going with a smaller cock ring helps it fit better. Although it's much harder to get on, it gives the testicles more clearance so there's less chafing done by the back of the cage. It's still not long-term comfortable yet, but I'm going to keep working with it to see if I can get a decent fit. On a side note, the shorter length of this cage is a bit more humiliating.

Downs and Ups, Ups and Downs (Part 2)

2012-01-09T02:31:00.001-06:00

The next day things were better, or so they seemed. We went out for dinner, ran some errands, and it was all quiet until she left for work.

On Friday her son had a friend over for the night. She was off work. We had plans to go out to dinner, try to reconnect, and then go visit a friend of ours. She received an invite to meet with a co-worker for a drink around dinner time for the co-worker's birthday. I told her that was fine and we could just eat dinner at the bar and then have the drink. I told her we should probably leave at 6 at the latest or it would be busy there. She got going a bit late. We left at 6:30 and arrived at the bar at around 6:45. The parking lot was 100% full. The street in front of and to the side of the bar were 100% full for 3-4 blocks.. We managed to park a block away barely squeezing in on the end.

Something I haven't mentioned before but I have mild agoraphobia that becomes a little bit more pronounced in crowded bars. I used to be okay with them but now they bring up some very negative emotions and I avoid them like the plague. I was willing to tough it out since it was a birthday. The place was packed. 40+ minute wait for a table. We were supposed to be at the friend's house by 8pm and we were both very hungry. She used me as the excuse and we left to go eat someplace less crowded for the time being. At dinner we talked a bit but it seemed very uneasy. Finally she said "how come you'll go out with friends that you like but won't go out for any of my friends?" I explained to her that I am willing to go out, but she knows how terrible I feel when I'm in crowded bars and that it had nothing to do with whose friends were there... and I explained it again and again in roughly five different ways, each time receiving the response that basically, I'm a piece of shit.

When we finished eating I got her a take out box for her leftovers and immediately went out to the car. She sat in the restaurant for another 15 minutes while I was in the car. Finally she came out and the abuse continued. We continued talking/arguing until we arrived back home and we sat in the car for another 20 minutes. I stayed much calmer this time, not letting my emotions flare up and simply stating "it hurts my feelings when you say that" when my feelings were hurt. Her attacks on me continued when I listed off a few reasons that I love her. I asked her, "what do you love about me?"

She couldn't answer, so with my feelings hurt I opened the car door and started to get out. She replied to that with an attack, calling me a pussy and telling me that I was running away and giving up on the relationship. I got back in the car and asked again, "what do you love about me?" Repeat silence and abuse cycle. Finally I told her I was getting out of the car and I went back to our home, went upstairs, and laid down on the bed.

When she got inside she hopped on facebook and stayed on there for 30-45 minutes. When she came upstairs she laid down next to me and started naming some (impersonal but) positive characteristics about me. She said that she took me for granted. I started to cry gently and explained how I've been feeling, why this was so hurtful, and the like. She held my hand. We were exhausted and we fell asleep early.

(continued in part 3)

Downs and Ups, Ups and Downs (Part 1)

2012-01-09T02:06:00.000-06:00

I know I'm supposed to be on break, but I'm doing a better job of finding balance. I don't crave the internet when I'm not on it, I'm not seeking approval or human contact through cyberspace, and the like.

Last week had a few terrible things happen. Mistress sent me an email during the day while I was at work asking me how I was doing. I think she finally noticed that we had drifted quite a ways apart since Christmas and it looked like we were going to reconnect. I had a very stressful day at work that day and when I got home I wanted to unwind a bit first and we planned to watch a movie at 8:15pm in our bedroom (I got home around 7:10pm). We had some tentative plans in the works for the weekend and I had to make a call about that to nail things down.

She came upstairs at 7:55pm while I was finishing up a video game. I finished at 8:01pm and had fully decompressed and told her I was going to make the call about our weekend plans and take care of something quickly and it would be about 5 more minutes and we could start the movie. Roughly 3.5 minutes later, she came downstairs, I told her quietly that I would be done in a minute and we could start the movie. She then went and sat down in the living room, said to me "do whatever" and waved her palm at me. At this point I realized she had shut down on me emotionally, had no plans to watch the movie with me anymore, and the rest of the night was going to be bad at best. I stayed on the phone for another 30 minutes before going down and trying to talk to her only to have her continuously tell me that nothing was wrong. A fight ensued... a bad one.

If you aren't familiar with BPD, I will describe how the thought process went on this one. By still being on the phone when she came downstairs I had already made the decision that talking on the phone was more important than she was and she was already defensive in a state as if I had said to her "I would rather talk on the phone than be with you." Also, once she decided to react in that way, there was nothing that could be said or done to clarify that this wasn't the case and it was now unforgivable in her eyes.

When she started ripping me my first instinct was to get defensive. I got angry and was hurt. I was frustrated that it was beyond the point of no return and couldn't be talked about or clarified. I took a breather and returned to the room with full honesty and full vulnerability. I told her that I was sorry that she felt I was hurting her intentionally by being on the phone, that I missed her and loved her, that I was feeling so weak and down emotionally that I needed her to be close to me.

She scoffed at me and started tearing into me, bringing up every part of my personality that she dislikes. When I told her that what she was saying was making me feel worthless she went off on me harder, saying that it's my own fault for feeling that way and pathetic and then added "Don't cry you fucking baby or it'll piss me off."

I don't know why but I still tried to fix the situation. As things went on her son came downstairs and I told him to go back upstairs when she chewed me out that he just wanted to say goodnight to her before she left for work. He went up but stayed near the top of the stairs. She continued the barrage of verbal abuse until I finally shouted "why are you doing this? Do you even love me?" More abuse. I finally just lost it... grabbed my hair and started bawling. This set her off something fierce. She shouted at me saying I was trying to be emotionally manipulative. She shouted that I was a fucker for not getting help with my depression and that this was my fault. She then came at me and started punching me. I didn't defend myself, I just managed to sob out, "why are you doing this? Why are you hitting me?"

She stopped punching me, took a step back and started taunting me. "What are you gonna do? You gonna call the cops? Gonna press charges? I dare you. You gonna call your mommy? Fucking baby." At this point I was a total wreck. My thoughts were a mess.

I stood up but had calmed down. I was still crying but I started asking "where is the person I love? Where is the you that has feelings? Where is the woman that gets choked up to hallmark card commercials and teary eyed when she sees a dog toy when you remember your dog?" This managed to disarm the situation. She stared to cry and hugged me. We said we loved each other and she left for work. Later on she texted me an apology.

(continued in part 2)

The Speed of Progressive Escalation in Dommes vs. subs

2012-01-08T20:56:00.001-06:00

I've written about the tendency for progressive escalation of intensity in the D/s lifestyle before but if you haven't read those posts, I use the term "progressive escalation" to describe:
The tendency for submissives to grow more submissive over time and Dommes to grow more dominant over time.

I believe the primary reason for this trend is that the activities we regularly partake in become routine and we wish to "push the envelope" in order to obtain the same intensity of feelings as before. Dommes want stronger Domspace. Subs want deeper subspace.

In many D/s relationships the man has harbored submissive feelings for a much longer time than the Domme has held dominant feelings. At the start, this often causes some stumbling blocks to form as a man may have 10 years worth of fantasy and submission under his belt while the woman is forced to start from square one. The result is the appearance that men grow in submissiveness faster than women grow in dominance.

I think much of this is rooted in a Domme coming to an understanding about dominance within herself and submission within her sub. She must wade through, process, and then shed preconceived notions of dominance. She doesn't need to be a leather-clad whip-wielding dominatrix overnight and if that's not her thing, she doesn't need to be one at all. She has to see/read about intense D/s interactions that probably took years to build to as if they are normal and open to beginners (chastity, cuckolding, etc.). She has to face up to the challenges of finding things that appeal to her and then nurture them. This is a gradual process and not an on/off switch.

With her sub she has to get over the initial shock of his fantasy intensity... the "OMFG he wants me to do that to him?" There's a learning curve for understanding his psyche and subspace. There's fear that she will hurt him and do things that he won't like and will make him reject her. There's the responsibility of being handed the keys without a road map, yet she is expected to take them to the land of bliss and glee. These all lend themselves to making her feeling insecure.

During this early period, you can expect lots of topping from the bottom. Lots of guidance on the sub's part. She is finding her legs. She is learning to walk before she can fly. There's a good chance that much of this has her feeling tentative and unsure of herself, so much that even if she would enjoy this she probably isn't enjoying it now, nor being turned on by it.

Through this period the sub's desires seem to progress faster than the Domme's. I will refer to this as the "learning period."

Fast-forward a bit and make a few assumptions...
Assumption 1: The sub has not thwarted the Domme's progression by resisting the activities and actions that he doesn't like.
Assumption 2: She hasn't succumbed to the protocol generally taught in the "consensual BDSM" realm.
Assumption 3: The relationship has gravitated towards more of a "meta-consensual" D/s lifestyle. She has taken the reigns, embraced this role, and the D/s dynamic has gone beyond the bedroom doors.

These are some rather large assumptions. The first one carries quite a bit of weight. If he stands firm early on and refuses or resists taking part in activities that she wants to try under the guise of limits or that pleasure should be "mutual," not only will he halt his own progression to deeper levels of subspace, but he may derail her progression into a completely empowered Domme.

The second assumption may or may not happen, it depends upon how the Domme has chosen to educate herself on the lifestyle. If the first and second assumptions hold true, the third often follows.

Under these three assumptions (especially the third one), the relationship has now entered the "growth period." This is really where a Domme comes into her own and finds her unique identity in domination. She no longer hesitates to try new things, worries less about whether or not the sub is enjoying it, and knows what drives both her Domspace and arousal. This is often where concepts begin to drive her experimentation as she evaluates her own ideal of the D/s dynamic. e.g. She should have FULL control over his orgasms and denial and it doesn't get any fuller than a chastity device. If she wants to tie or chain him up as part of a punishment, it should be in an uncomfortable and unpleasant manner, etc.

In the growth period, the sub starts to fall behind. The Domme will start introducing things that "shake him up," and take him beyond his comfort zone. The sub may resist at first but eventually will comply quickly through strict discipline. She will likely take any resistance as disobedience and possibly even as an insult. He will be put through the wringer.

What really signifies the growth period is that the Domme will become more confident, more demanding, and more intense while the sub is forcibly ripped from his comfort zone, pushed into deeper states of subspace, and may become agitated at the unexpected nature of what will come next. Basically, her dominance grows faster than his submission.

Eventually... his submission will catch up to her dominance. The male creature is pretty good at adapting to almost anything once his ego has been broken. He comes to trust her judgement and knows she loves him and won't subject him to any permanent damage. When this happens they enter the "plateau period" of the relationship.

During the plateau period things go very smoothly unless the sub slips up. Another assumption: the sub has fully acclimated to the new lifestyle dynamic and things go smoothly. While it might seem harmonious, there is a fatal flaw for the plateau period: boredom. Things get routine, stale, and predictable. This may be the shared feelings of both parties or it may be one-sided. If it is one-sided, chances are the sub is fine with the arrangement but the Domme has started itching for more.

Both cases tend to lead to a similar outcome: things get shaken up and the relationship is brought back to the growth period. The only difference between how this is instigated is whether it's simply the Domme's wish or if it's the decision of both parties. In cases where an extreme decision is made, such as converting the relationship to a poly arrangement with additional subs, cuckolding, etc. it is often (but not always) consented to by both parties. I would be willing to wager that the more cycles between growth and plateau periods the couple has experienced, the more likely the Domme is to make a unilateral decision and simply tell the sub how things are going to be from now on.

The speed at which any changes occur varies greatly from couple to couple but barring situations with a commitment to the "consensual mutual pleasure" line of thought, it seems D/s relationships almost always progress each party involved undergoes their process of progressive escalation.

Female vs. male "Natural" Dominance

2012-01-08T14:23:00.000-06:00

Last night Mistress and I went out with another Femdom couple. The conversation briefly touched on vanilla men with dominant/alpha personalities and it got me thinking about a post I made recently about men and women in the lifestyle: Kink, Society, and Emotional Damage.

Men are highly driven by the expectations of other men. I believe that throughout most of their developmental years (read as: school), men are taught to run with a pack. There's an alpha (leader), the beta (the leader's right hand man), the pack (followers), and the omega (the butt of the joke). The alpha sets the tone and the rest of the pack follows suit. Men are taught to mimic the behaviors of the alpha. The alpha learns "popular" behaviors from outside influence (TV, magazines, etc.).

"Good" male behavior involves having sex with (many) beautiful women, doing whatever you want to do, and always appear powerful and in control. Not all men really want to do to this and not all men are completely capable of doing this, but it is important to continue this image in order to maintain his place in the pack.

In his private life (family, one on one with his lover, etc.) the same man may be tender, sensitive, caring, loving, and good-natured. In his public life (with the pack) he must project all of his expected behaviors and is constantly pressured to be insecure about being happy with his private life.

For anyone that isn't the alpha, the appearance of dominance is an appearance projected to impress other men. For anyone that isn't the alpha, they are already accustomed to submitting to a more powerful being. I believe this is why you find men that appear super in control and dominant in with their public face, but immediately become docile and submissive around a prominent figure in their life that doesn't make them feel insecure about their role with other men (e.g. wife/girlfriend, mother, etc.).

Removed from the pressures of the pack, I think there are a lot less dominant/controlling men out there than people may believe.

That doesn't mean that dominant men don't exist, it just reduces their headcount. The alpha male does exist, but I think there are two types of alphas.
1. The natural alpha. He is ambitious and takes control from the get go in pursuing what he wants.
2. The nurtured alpha. His male father-figures/role-models have deeply ingrained insecurity within his psyche. He is driven to behave dominantly in order to avoid shame and ridicule and to always appear like a manly man.

This is not to say that natural alphas don't have a nurtured side, but in most cases, the bulk of the nurturing that has helped him develop his alpha characteristics has been through positive reinforcement.

Nurtured alphas are more common. They are usually somewhat insecure and are often out to prove themselves. Men/boys who are big on hazing rituals, bullying, and the like are usually of this type. They want to appear in control so that no one knows they are scared and often dislike themselves deep down. They have become a product of the pressures of outside influence. If their well-laid plans derail, you can expect a meltdown or tantrum, often followed by giving up on the original plan. While they may appear dominant, I don't consider this a natural dominance.

Natural alphas are rare but they do exist. They are usually charismatic and have many enviable characteristics about them that set the bar for what other men want to be. They are cool and in control. These are the types that bounce back strongly from failure. I consider these types to be the one kind of man that is naturally dominant.

A quick summary:
-There are less truly dominant men than people often believe. Men removed from the pack usually drop the appearance of dominance.
-For many men that exert dominant characteristics, many of these men are driven by insecurity.
-A handful of men are naturally dominant.

I have purposefully ignored special cases such as mental illness and sociopaths. I am happy that the Male Dom role exists so that a safe outlet can exist for their desires and they don't end up as serial killers.

Women are a bit different.

Mothers tend to take a much more active role in shaping a girl's expectations of the world and who she is supposed to be. Both mother and daughter are at the mercy of society's pressures, norms, and expectations that they often conform to. The effects overall are that a woman is often subjected to greater pressure of "who she is supposed to be" at an earlier age and this affects them for much of their lives. However, as society changes and relaxes its expectations of women, each successive generation of women seem to be more open to their potential as individuals while the male stranglehold over society and career fields gradually dwindles away.

As women begin to view their lives as being (at least partially) under their own control, ambition becomes a largely motivating factor. While they still face constant outside influence attempting to keep them insecure, women are growing increasingly more secure with themselves over time. Want to play sports? Go for it. Want a rewarding career? Go for it. Want to call the shots for your family and your future? Go for it.

This is where I see the greatest divergence between the dominance arising naturally in men vs. women. Male society has trapped itself in a motivation by shame, trial by fire attitude. Female society has begun to self-motivate with views of freedom, ambition, and fulfilling one's potential.

The end result is that women often reach a point where they know exactly what they want and exactly the path they want to walk to get it done, without the need for an alpha-based hierarchy to give them a benchmark for comparison.

I think this is why we are seeing more naturally occurring dominance in women while this is reserved for only the most capable and secure men.

A Sissy Stigma

2012-01-06T17:59:00.000-06:00

I came up with the idea for this drawing several weeks ago but I didn't have a model that really "fit." I was a bit reluctant to draw it because I was worried it might offend some, but when I bounced the idea of another sissy they thought it was "clever and insightful."

I've written a lot before about being a sissy carrying certain stigmas based upon stereotypes and I tried to picture one of them here.

This was my first attempt at drawing body hair, facial hair, and a mirror, so I'm aware I'm lacking in those departments.

Requested Drawing

2012-01-06T02:56:00.000-06:00

I received a request for a new drawing a few days ago from a Mistress. All I was given to go on was that it should include cruelty, chastity, pain, ignorance, and despair, and she "trusted my creativity" to be able to come up with something.

I know it's a bit unrealistic... as a sub who would misbehave on that basic of a level would probably have never passed his trial period with a Domme of that cruelty... although when I come up with something like this, I kind of feel like I'm a twisted fuck :P

Why do I blog?

2012-01-04T01:51:00.001-06:00

I had a few reasons for starting this blog:

1. The unstable environment of my relationship played a part as I had to search elsewhere to explore my D/s related feelings. I had often done this via forums, but most of the forums I used to browse either went defunct or became so narrow in their focus that they became unpleasant.

2. I am someone that needs to communicate my feelings in order to make sense of them. In my vanilla life I am someone that "talks things out" and am able to figure them out through dialoguing with others and getting feedback. When it comes to this part of my life, it's not something I have anyone I can talk to about it so I decided to write for therapeutic reasons. If you have read a lot of my blog, you'll know that sometimes I would just ask a question or explore a feeling or idea and try to dissect it from various points of view until it made sense to me. In turn, blog comments provided feedback to which I could further clarify my thoughts.

I had a lot of things to get off my chest and try to make sense of about myself. It took me years to accept myself as a submissive and many more years to come to terms with the darker/stranger aspects of my submission. There are still some other parts that I'm not comfortable accepting about myself.

3. I had hoped for some interaction with others of a similar mindset that I could relate to. I am a natural teacher and I try to impart whatever wisdom I can onto those looking to tread a similar path so that they can avoid the pitfalls that I have had to work through or overcome.

Looking back now, I have succeeded at some of those aspects but failed with others:

R1. I think I have been able to channel my D/s feelings through this blog. I still carry hopes that my own relationship will heal and continue to grow. I am still terrified that it's dead in the water. This has been a better outlet for me than pretty much all other internet outlets I have come across. For this I will say it has been a success.

R2. This has worked in many ways. A lot of my thoughts and feelings have been sorted through. Some emotional healing has been done. Some emotional healing still needs to be done. Writing has been cathartic and therapeutic, painful, and sometimes fun.

R3. This is a bit more of a mixed bag. Being consistent with my experiences on the internet, most subs have ignored me for some reason or another. I have met a couple of subs since I started drawing that have shared similar fetish feelings but most aren't interested in covering other D/s topics. I'm not sure why, but both on forums and in the blog world I seem to mainly interact with Dommes or D/s couples. I take this as a very large compliment but at the same time it screws me up a bit.

My bi-products of blogging:

-I started drawing and had a place to post my drawings for people to see them. If not for this blog I probably wouldn't have kept on drawing.
-Internet addiction. Pounding out 12 long posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy.

What I feel blogging has become to me:

A. An escape. It has become far too easy for me to drift into fantasy-land in my mind rather than focus on my life and the people in it. It doesn't have to be "all or nothing", but it has gotten out of control. 12 posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy, it is my attempt at avoiding reality in favor of a fantasy or hypothetical mindset.

B. My primary source of interaction. I have started craving interaction. I have started to crave praise. Once this happens it is a sign of full blown internet addiction. In this state, praise means the world and criticism or disappointing others brings that world crashing down. It may have started as an escape but then I would find myself drawing or writing more and more, hoping that someone would say something. It brings out the worst in myself and is a clear indicator that my depression has set in without me realizing it.

A couple of months ago I was calling friends regularly, we were going out a lot, we were having lots of fun (even if it wasn't D/s). Since both Mistress and my own moods have taken a shit due to winter/holidays, neither of us are really trying to do anything. It's time to change that.

So...

It's time for a break. I will continue to draw and post the drawings here. I may still write up a quickie post now and then. I will probably check in on other blogs every so often and drop a comment here and there. I do have to stop spending more time than is healthy on here. I have to find a better state of mind (and life) where blogging doesn't have the potential to upset me or ruin my mood.

I will still respond to any comments that roll in or emails/chat requests but I am taking a step back from the blog for the time being.

Discontinued D/s Product - Her Delight

2012-01-02T01:34:00.000-06:00

Several years ago, the company that developed the CB-X000 line of chastity devices, came out with a dildo-type add-on that worked with the existing CB cock rings (it was compatible with the 2000, 3000, and the Curve). The product was known as "Her Delight" and it was basically a fairly large dildo that fit over your penis and was held in place by the ring and some posts. The device could be attached in two different ways: with a locking pin that would insert through the top at the base or it could be locked in in the same style as the cage portion of the CB line. The top pin was to keep a padlock from hurting the woman.

I pre-ordered this product when it was in its development phase and received one from the first shipment of 1,000. I remember reading about "issues" people had with them and I believe there was a second production run that improved a few of the cosmetic molding defects of the first batch. There were plans to redesign the shape (and making it smaller), but I believe it ended up being scrapped and this item has not been available for several years.

I remember buying it on a whim and it turned me on quite a bit when I thought of it. I wasn't sure why exactly, but it probably has to do with humiliation and the inherent male insecurity that seems to plague every man with a cock is smaller than 8 inches. I remember when we got it that Mistress was like "I'm sure I won't like it, I only like real dicks inside of me, and besides, I don't like them that big." Finally we found a time to use it.

I'm not sure how deep-vagina'd the people that were having issues with the lock scraping the woman, but I don't think she ever got within an inch of where the lock would be and with most of her thrusts when she rode it, I felt G-spot impact against her vaginal wall before she was even two inches from the base.

I always try to pay very close attention to the woman while having sex. I check her breathing patterns, watch for sudden inhalation/exhalation when I hit certain spots, monitor where the air is being pushed from when she moans (head/throat/chest/diaphragm), and try to keep track of her internal muscle spasms so I know when to back off and when to go in hard and fast. Her Delight made this even easier since I didn't have to try and keep from cumming... I just had to direct its aim and meet her thrusts with mine.

What I noticed when we used Her Delight... is that she was moaning from deeper than ever before. Her orgasms were intense and much more frequent. Her eyes looked through me instead of at me... as she was completely in the zone and it was like I wasn't even there. It took roughly 45 minutes before she collapsed in exhaustion (this would usually take 1.5-3 hours with normal sex) and she was panting and sweating with a huge grin on her face... she was absolutely glowing. She lay there cooing for about 15 minutes before unlocking my wrist restraints. She just said "let's take a shower."

In the shower we made out and I could tell she was still turned on but completely satiated while she started to twist my nipples and ordered me to jerk off. After I came we kissed and hugged and her eyes were tearing up a bit. I asked her if she enjoyed it but she didn't answer. I told her it was okay to tell me and it turned me on to see her orgasm that hard. She then told me she hadn't said anything because she didn't want to hurt my feelings and that started an odd cycle of giving feedback while trying to be as nice as possible:
"Honestly... I loved it. I still prefer the intimacy of real sex though. I don't think I've cum that hard before, but I still prefer the feel of a real penis."

I replied with, "it's better when it's really big, isn't it?" She just nodded and looked sad, like she had hurt me. Almost immediately I had another throbbing hard on even though I had just came several minutes ago. I whispered in her ear, "it's okay, I loved seeing you orgasm that hard, it makes me happy. And besides... it turns me on to hear that." I went down on her and we were in the shower a long time. It's true that it wasn't flesh and blood, but it was still very intimate.

Sadly, we only used Her Delight once more and haven't touched it since.

I still haven't quite figured out the exact subspace trigger here but I think it was a combination of things:
-I was basically reduced to the role of a dildo stand.
-The feelings of shame and inadequacy being out shined by the intensity of her orgasms but then looping back on itself since she orgasmed harder when it wasn't really me.
-The emasculation by her attempts to avoid saying she liked it better even though I knew that was true.

Who knows? It's kind of strange that it was discontinued because women complained it was too big in both length and girth but this also happened to be why it worked well for us and why it remains such a vivid memory to me.

Chastity Device Reviews

2012-01-01T05:46:00.000-06:00

I've been writing a lot about chastity lately but I realize I haven't done any writing upon actual chastity devices.

I have used four types of chastity over the years: A Houdini knock-off, a CB-2000, a CB-3000, and a CB-6000.

None of these have proven to be very successful for long-term use for me, but here goes some info. If you want better in-depth reviews you are best off searching sites for chastity enthusiasts.

A quick note is that there are two kinds of penises:
-Type 1 Penis: A penis that is nearly the same size (or only slightly larger) when erect vs. when flaccid. For these types of penises an erection mostly makes the penis stand upright but the size increase is rarely more than 1.5x.
-Type 2 Penis: A penis that is much larger when erect vs. when flaccid. People with these types of penises are usually below average (small) when flaccid but then have a 2-4x size increase when erect.

The Houdini. These are basically one handcuff and a with a metal penis tube welded on it. The handcuff fits around the cock and balls, securing it in place and the tube prevents your dick from getting hard.

Price: $100-300

Comfort: C
These things are heavy. I mean, heavy for something that is going to be carried by your genitals. The handcuff proves an interesting challenge. Go too loose and you can slip out. Go too tight and you can cut off circulation. If you aren't careful, you might pinch your scrotum in the hinge. These are probably best used with a collar and a chain connecting to the cuff to help alleviate the weight burden.

Security: B
Not on par with a full metal waist belt or piercing required tube but this isn't something that could be easily cut off.

Sanitary: B
You can't wash the part of your penis that's inside the tube without a great deal of effort but when you pee, your penis sticks out a little beyond the end of the tube so this is fairly easy. Depending upon the tube curvature you may need to sit while urinating.

Durability: A
It's steel. With semi-regular maintenance it should last a long time.

Miscellaneous:
Not ideal for long-term wear since it can't pass a metal detector. Shaved pubes recommended to avoid catching them in the latch. This can be a pain to get on if you are battling an erection.

The CB-2000. The CB-2000 was pretty much the first low-cost chastity device (under $200) and was even featured a little blurb on the Daily Show in the 90's. It's pretty much made of plastic with a cock ring that links to a cage.

Cost: $100-150

Comfort: B+
The edges are rounded and smooth. There's not a lot of pinch risk except occasionally the padlock can grab some skin if you are attempting an erection and skin goes through the bars of the cock cage. The biggest problem with the 2000 is getting the right fit. The plastic pins that link the ring to the cage point towards you. This basically means when you put it on when brand new it's going to be uncomfortable as hell since the skin above your junk is getting gouged. You have to trim and file the pins to the appropriate length but it's hard to know what length since experimenting with the various cock ring sizes and spacers will all lead to the same gouge problem.

Security: C
This doesn't come anywhere near a belt design or one of Mistress Lori's chastity tubes but it is simple and effective. You could cut your way out rather easily. Where this device fails is in cases of extremely tight or extremely loose scrotum. A tight scrotum may actually pull a testicle back through the rings and is very painful but also gets you free. With a loose scrotum the wearer to pull forward then down and they can actually get their penis all the way out and be able to put it back in undetected. The points of intrigue and other add-ons were developed to prevent this.

Sanitary: C+
It is relatively easy to clean yourself with the use of swabs and you dry quickly but depending upon the size of your penis when flaccid and erect and whether or not you are circumcised, urination can be tricky to get your aim down.

Durability: C+
It's plastic but seemed to hold up better than the 3000/Curve/6000.

Miscellaneous:
Once you get it sized right it is fairly comfortable but it can be tricky to get both testicles and your cock through the solid ring. One of the upsides is that the penis can still be teased through the bars. This will work with both shaved and hairy genitals (although with a lot of hair you will probably lose 1-2 pubes each time you put it on). The 2000's parts work interchangeably with the 3000 and the Curve.

Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.

The CB-2000 is best suited for people with penises that are average to small when flaccid. This model has now been discontinued but if you can still find one, it's probably on clearance for under $100.

The CB-3000. The 3000 (and its immediate predecessor the Curve) fixed a lot of issues with the 2000 but created some new issues. It works interchangeably with the parts for the 2000 but the cage and rings have been changed a bit.

Price $150-170

Comfort: C+
The 3000 is easier to put on than the 2000 since the rings are hinged and it reduces the struggle with getting your junk through. The downside is that the back of the cage (that presses against the skin on the scrotum and crotch area) is not rounded, so it has much larger chafe potential. Lube/lotion recommended. The cage portion is now mostly closed off and shaped a bit more ergonomically like a penis. You have almost no access to contact with the penis with this cage. That being said, if your junk isn't sitting right when you lock it on, it won't be able to adjust itself unless you have lubed the inside of the tube. The 3000 still had the same fitting issues as the 2000 since you had to trim the pins.

Security: C+
It's still plastic, but it was slightly more difficult for someone with a loose scrotum to pull out and go back in than the 2000. There were additional after-market accessories sold to increase security. The tight scrotum testicle pull through is significantly more painful with a 3000 than the 2000 and to eliminate that you are faced with the option of reducing the spacer size and chafing more or running the risk of it happening with a more comfortable fit.

Sanitary: C-
More difficult to clean than the 2000. Drying is a lot harder as well and I remember reading people used a hair dryer. If you have a type 2 penis or are uncircumcised and you have been alternating between attempting erections and flaccid, you may find it difficult to urinate without ending up with pee all over the end of your dick.

Durability: C-
I'm sure the rivets on the cock rings will eventually fail but the main problem was having the cage split down the sonic weld line. This didn't happen all that often but it was reported enough to note it.

Miscellaneous:
One of the big negatives of this design is that the air vents are located on top and on the bottom of the cage. If you have a large type 1 penis there was a chance that the skin on the top of your penis might get pinched by the lock. The CB-3000 includes the identical base parts to the Curve but has a different cage portion (and it is compatible with the CB-2000 as well). The Curve was released first but that was meant for people that were 4" or longer when flaccid. The 3000 was released as a follow up and is a better fit to those who are 2-3" in length when flaccid.

Pubic shaving/trimming is recommended as pubic hairs can get pinched in the ring when you close it in addition to the same minor pinch potential from the locking post.

Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.

The CB-6000. The CB-6000 is pretty much an upgrade to the 3000.

Price: $150-200.

Comfort: B-
Fitting is much easier with the CB-6000 since the pins now point AWAY from the body. Putting it on is a bit trickier in some ways but easier in the others. The downside is that you really need to be shaved to put it on. The way the the plates sandwich together will pinch and tear out long pubic hairs. The cock rings are now rectangular on the edges which increases scrotum chafing but reduced tight scrotum testicular pull through. The cage portion has the same chafe potential as the 3000 but due to the redesigned ring a longer spacer can usually be used. The 6000 suffers from the same "junk adjustment" issues as the 3000.

Security: C++
It's not enough of a bump over the 3000 to give it a B-. The new cock ring shape makes it SLIGHTLY harder to pull out and they have designed after-market accessories to make this more difficult.

Sanitary: C-
Identical to the 3000 in its cleaning/sanitation issues.

Durability: C
Similar reports of cage splitting as with the 3000 but it seems to be less frequent (although the 6000 hasn't been in production for as long as the 3000 has).

Miscellaneous:
The air vents have been moved to the sides to prevent the lock pinch. The locking post is now oblong instead of round so the lock cannot rotate which reduces noise and prevents the lock being able to do undesirable things. Pubic shaving is a must. The 6000 is not compatible with previous versions, but there is a newer version of the cage, the 6000s which is shorter and a better fit for type 2 penises it should reduce the lubing and urine issues.

Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.

I doubt anyone really wants to know about my cock but since these reviews included a lot of special case scenarios I should probably mention a little bit. I have a VERY tight scrotum, a type 2 penis, and I'm not circumcised.

If I had to choose between all of these... it would be between the 2000 and the 6000. The 2000 is comfortable except that Mistress doesn't want me to have "old man balls," and extensive use will cause significant stretching of my scrotum. The testicular pull through I mentioned has happened several times, was never intentional and was horribly painful, and I'm not able to get an erection for almost a day after it happens.

We have a 6000s cage on the way and I may give some follow-up review depending upon how that goes.

I will note that I've had some pretty bad/good torment over the years with chastity (even though it hasn't been extensive use). I have some rabbit fur handcuff covers that one Mistress put on the Houdini cuff. One Mistress got some rabbit fur hair scrunchies and then would loop them on like a cock ring behind the balls while the CB's were on.

More chastity randomness

2012-01-01T03:04:00.000-06:00

So tonight I decided while Mistress is gone at work I would wear a CB while posting and drawing. It's been about four hours now and I feel completely agitated and I just want to tear it off and/or scream. If I wasn't able to remove it whenever I want to I'd probably be whimpering by now. I'm not really sure if this means I'm well-suited for chastity or ill-suited for chastity?

I can't help but think this is a miserable experience but at the same time I kind of like the misery.

It did get me thinking a bit though. Just how pathetic are men that the need for an orgasm can become such a driving force that they'll do anything and everything to get a temporary release for an orgasm? You squirt once and then the lock goes back on to repeat the process. It seems almost natural to take advantage of that.

I can only try to imagine what it would be like to be a dominant key-holder. Unless the person is pretty much a stranger that you don't care about, I honestly think this would be somewhat of a double-edged sword. The upside is that you could correct pretty much any behavior with the threat (or reality) of extending the chastity period. Whimpering and begging? That's cute. Whimpering and begging to the point of annoying? Add a week. Make a mistake or forget something? Add a week. Break a rule? Add a week.

The downside is that if you want to be consistent and strict but still want to have sex with the locked up penis, it's a hard balance to find. I guess a potential solution would be to still have sex but not allow him to cum. This will put his self-control to the test and it might not be as fulfilling as you'd want it to be. Another option would be to use desensitizing lotion on it and two or three condoms to try to boost his endurance but that is a lot of work to go through just to hope for decent sexual performance.

There-in lies the problem. To use chastity as a domination tool a Domme runs the risk of depriving herself some pleasure. This leads me to believe that chastity is better suited simply to assist in subspace and self-control, for fixed durations, or in cases where the sub won't ever be released (except for possibly cleaning). Attempting to fluctuate the release date as a carrot probably isn't the best choice overall unless you aren't sexually involved with the one locked in chastity or don't mind only getting "other" forms of sexual interaction.

New Year

2012-01-01T01:53:00.000-06:00

Arousal vs. Subspace

2011-12-31T23:07:00.000-06:00

If you read my blog it's probably safe to assume that your sexual interests fall somewhere outside of "the norm." At times within the lifestyle (or fantasy of the lifestyle) there's a tendency to develop fetish and fantasy scenarios where the line between arousal and subspace triggers get blurred and they can seem almost inseparable. This is usually way more confusing for me than for women.

While one could argue it's impossible to generalize for everyone, most with a lot of experience within the BDSM realm tend to agree that this is true in most cases. Male arousal is often equated to a light switch. You're on or you're off. Female arousal is closer to a pot of water on the stove (or a tea kettle), it must gradually heat up before it reaches a boil. Subspace tends to manifest differently across the genders as well. A female sub will usually fall into subspace first and then she gets aroused. A male sub will usually get aroused first and then fall into subspace. In many cases these happenings might be instantaneous and this is one root of potential confusion.

Some terminology I will use:

Turn on - something that instigates arousal or increases sexual desire/frustration if already aroused. This includes erection attempts that are prevented by chastity.
Subspace trigger - something that initiates the sub's fall into subspace or increases the depth of subspace if he is already there.

The easiest way to separate arousal from subspace is to find a scenario where one is present but the other is not: Stroking a sub's cock will make him aroused but it doesn't necessarily trigger subspace.

Trying to find a state of subspace without arousal is almost impossible. A through and through submissive will likely put himself into subspace while masturbating. A sub that is performing an unpleasant chore with negative thoughts about it may simply picture his Domme's order or remember the potential consequences before he falls into a basic level of subspace and resigns himself to the task at hand (pleasing her/avoiding punishment begins to outweigh the unpleasantness of the chore). Arousal accompanies this realization.

To summarize it simply: subspace always includes arousal, but arousal doesn't always include subspace.

This leads us to the submissive loop. You get aroused and are in subspace. You go deeper into subspace and it makes you more aroused. You get more aroused and it opens you up to deeper subspace. They feed each other but jumping subspace levels may require some outside factors present (either in reality or in the sub's mind).

Turn ons can take on many different forms. While many of these are visual stimulation or fetish-related, they can also include personality characteristics or "reasons that we love her."
A few examples:
-A particular hairstyle, style of make-up, perfume, or bodily characteristic.
-An article of clothing such as lingerie, boots, gloves, fetish apparel, etc.
-A seductive action, motion, or posture.

Subspace triggers vary greatly as well:
-A phrase or attitude indicating the D/s "roles" are now active.
-A command, activity, or ritual frequently performed in D/s play.
-Fetish related items such as bondage gear, spanking devices, etc.
-Emotional triggers such as humiliation, emasculation, depersonalization, pet names, etc.

If you have any amount of experience with your partner you likely have picked up on many of these and you can always grill them to get their list. Having a sub write out his fantasies will often reveal most if not all of them. Knowing these things can open many doors to exploiting male sexuality.

Any turn on can become a subspace trigger through association. Include said turn on in D/s play regularly and even over a short period of time that turn on may become a subspace trigger. This may happen already with certain things if a sub has a fantasy that pops into his mind upon seeing them.

Most subspace triggers act as a turn on. This is a bit more delicate since certain activities may appeal to a sub that is already in deep subspace but give no appeal if they are in a vanilla state. However, the more experiences the sub has with that trigger, the more likely they are to respond favorably if confronted with it out of the gate.

Since a lot of subspace triggers bring on both arousal and subspace, a sub can easily be mind fucked into thinking a trigger is a true stand alone turn on. e.g. if pegging a sub puts him into a deep subspace, teasing him about getting a hard on from being ass raped will probably immediately put him into subspace, give him an erection and cause some emotional turmoil where he feels fucked up about it.

Overall, being able to acknowledge the difference between turn ons and subspace triggers is probably the main point of this post. They are quite different even if the result is the same. I think there's a lot of novice subs out there that probably get freaked out at what gives them a hard on and maybe this will help them understand themselves a bit better. There may be some novice Dommes out there that this may help shed some light on the inner-workings of the submissive mind/penis and provide some creative ways to fuck with a sub.

I have included a list of my own turn ons vs. subspace triggers in case you wanted additional examples.

My turn ons/fetishes:
-Breasts, thighs, curves.
-Eyes, lips, facial expressions.
-A woman's aggressive and dominant personality.
-Women wearing fur or fur-trimmed clothing.
-Women wearing certain styles of boots.
-Women wearing certain styles of gloves.
-The touch of fur.

My subspace triggers:
-Bondage: both restraining and ornamental (e.g. collars).
-Tease and denial or chastity.
-Inequality of power.
-The removal of "true" choice and freedom.
-Expectations of perfection and strict consequences.
-Humiliation/Emasculation.
-Feeling inferior.
-Having actions or activities forced upon me.
-Justifications for cruelty (e.g. this is for your own good, you can't control your penis, etc.).
-Mind fucks.

New Year's Eve

2011-12-31T21:49:00.000-06:00

Well, it's new year's eve but Mistress has to work tonight.

If you're alone and bored like I am, feel free to hit me up on my chat box. If I'm AFK it may take a minute or two for me to respond but I should be on and off most of tonight. I have a post I am working on as well as some drawings.

Kink, Society, and Emotional Damage

2011-12-31T13:10:00.001-06:00

It's very common within the BDSM community to encounter others that have endured a significant amount of emotional damage over the years. While there are those that just embrace kink with a clear conscience, these individuals are often the minority.

If you are new to the lifestyle or searching for a partner, it's good to keep this in mind.

I have had a lot of Lesbian friends over the years. I'm not really sure how it happened but the majority of my closest friends over the years have usually been women and I was usually someone they felt comfortable talking with, so even those that weren't publicly gay would still share that fact with me. I have had a few homosexual male friends as well. What's relevant about this is that I have seen a lot of similarities between homosexuality and those that engage in the D/s lifestyle.

We could debate nature vs. nurture into the ground but I have learned to accept a few things as being common across the two:
-No one really chooses to be this way. It is just part of who we are.
-We can't make it "go away."
-There are those that know what they are naturally and those that "discover this" about themselves later on.

It is the last statement that is at the heart of this post. Based upon my experiences with many people in the BDSM community as well as homosexuals of both gender, I have come to believe that there's two types of people in both lifestyles:
-People who were that way from day one (or as early as they can remember). aka Nature.
-People who became that way over time in response to the experiences they had during their developmental years. aka Nurture.

This means you will find Dominants and submissives both of a natural demeanor and those that have become this way as a result of external factors. If you are lucky enough to find someone of a natural demeanor they will usually (but not always) carry less emotional baggage.

Something interesting I have found is that there are a lot of differences across genders in societal expectations and how those affect kink-role development.

Women:

-Women tend to be more in tune with themselves sexually at an earlier age. They tend to accept themselves more easily. It is easier for them to talk with close friends about their sexuality and kinky things without fear or being rejected or ostracized. This puts them in a position to experiment and learn what they like and don't like through real world experience. They are also more likely to accept any kink they might embrace and be secure with their sexuality.

-Social norms and mores developed over the past two-thousand years in western society have only recently been challenged and are still in the process of changing. The traditional women's role is one of holding a lesser station in life while being physically and intellectually inferior. While this is becoming less common, it's still a frequent occurrence to find women that have been raised in this type of environment with feedback given by female authority figures echoing these sentiments.

-While society has done its best to give women equal opportunities and eliminate the "glass ceiling" it is far too profitable to keep women feeling insecure about their worth and appearance. There is a constant pressure to be thin, wear expensive clothes and make-up, and impress with what you look like rather than who you are. Basically, every attempt is made by commercialism to keep women's self-esteem low.

Men:

-Men are taught to be sexually insecure. Religion teaches men to be ashamed when they masturbate. Men have no one to talk with about their inner desires and kink. They face sexuality alone and with constant fear of shame. Men are more likely to spend much of their life feeling fucked up about being kinky. He may fantasize about it for years before ever approaching it in reality.

-"Successful" men are attractive to the opposite sex. Men are supposed to have sex with as many beautiful women as possible and try to be successful enough to bag a trophy wife. The men that do this are looked upon with respect and envy. Sex is supposed to feel good and they are taught nothing of emotional connection or intimacy. Men are supposed to value quantity of conquests over the quality of the experience.

-The appearance of a man's relationship is valued more highly than the actual substance of the relationship. Men are taught that the fulfillment from sex should be from having sex itself.

How these contribute to being dominant or submissive:

-The external factors faced by a confident women can cause a reaction that pushes her to reject the expectations of society. She basically tells them to eat shit and now burns with an even greater fire to be in control. This can serve as a "scale tipper" tilting her towards dominance (e.g. a man is no longer equal, but inferior).

-If a woman has her self-esteem broken down over time by external factors, she may look outward to determine her self-worth. This can take two paths: 1. She accepts her inferiority and develops a submissive personality. 2. She fights against her insecurity and wants to be dominant (even if she is not).

-A man may wish to be dominant to be in control and to be free to interact with multiple partners.

-A man may flat out reject the societal expectations and focus on his sensitivity. For some reason this usually tilts him towards submission.

-An insecure man may battle self-loathing for who he is vs. who he wants to be. He may react in a couple of ways: 1. He will take out his anger and insecurity through dominance. 2. He gives in to the insecurity and becomes submissive.

Overall, while society has the ability to make a dominant woman more dominant, it also has the ability to rob her of that dominance. It also does very little to build her up unless it's by her reaction and desire to be confident/dominant.

While men are taught by society that it's good to be dominant, there is something to remember. In a pack of wolves there is the alpha, the beta (the alpha's right hand man), the omega (the butt of every joke), and the rest of the pack (the majority), and there can only be one true alpha. While they should all want to be dominant, very few are naturally dominant. Everyone else is stuck in some no-man's-land limbo where there's expectations for who we should want to be and who we really are.

Societal expectations (and their effects on family) are something we experience pretty much every day of our lives. It takes a long time to change us but that change is very real. In most cases it isn't enough to steer someone to kink and their kink role but it almost always makes us predisposed to a particular kink role if the situation presents itself.

Trauma has the most immediate, significant, and long-lasting effects on a person. It is the effects of trauma that I refer to as emotional damage. Once it's there it's almost impossible to eliminate it and even if you can overcome it, you can never change the fact that it happened. Emotional damage is often a large contributor to who we are and who we become in the future.

How emotional damage may affect a submissive:

-It is how a sub relates to love. They crave abuse or to be controlled but want it to be done safely and in a loving relationship. This is often the result of extended physical, sexual, or emotional abuse from parents or other close parties that "loved" them.

-It is what a sub has come to know and expect. This is often rooted in a sub's self-worth and appeal to the opposite sex. They have accepted their view of themselves and feel it is natural to be treated this way. This is often the result of extensive discipline by a parent, humiliation in early sexual encounters, and emotional abuse.

-The sub feels like a weak person. They feel they aren't strong enough to get by on their own and aren't smart enough to make wise decisions. A dominant provides that direction for them. This is often the result of extensive emotional abuse from parental figures.

-The sub feels sexually inadequate. They believe this is the only way to please a person of the opposite sex and in turn the only way they will be loved. This is often the result of repeated failures in dating and significant sexual humiliation during early experiences.

-Fear of abandonment. The sub believes that any lover will leave them unless they succumb to their every desire. This is often the result of being abandoned by loved ones and feeling at least partly responsible for it.

How emotional damage may affect a dominant:

-They must be in control. A dominant may refuse to ever be in a situation where someone else holds control over them. This is often the result of being the victim of a violent or violent sexual attack.

-They refuse to be weak. A dominant never wants to feel weak or helpless. This is often the result of being the victim of a violent or violent sexual attack. In other cases the parent they were closest to may have been the victim of extensive spousal abuse and just "put up with it."

-It is how a dominant relates to love. They are "looking out for what is best for the sub." If they view love as stern discipline that contributes to a person's overall well-being, development, and decision-making, this may be how they show love to someone else.

-I hate all [gender]!. They have had repeated and/or significant negative experiences with members of the opposite sex yet still find themselves sexually attracted to them. This is often the result of being the victim of violent/violent sexual attacks or significant emotional abuse.

This is only a small sample of the possible situations where emotional damage has contributed towards someone's submission or dominance. Not all individuals engaged in the D/s lifestyle will carry these kinds of wounds but they are very common. Knowing how to deal with emotional damage can also serve as a balancing point for the other party in a yin/yang relationship and bring you closer together. It may lead to some ups and downs along the way but these issues surface in vanilla dating as well. I guess I just feel that D/s can be very cathartic for both parties if the right kind of complimentary relationship can be found.

Humiliation Boutique - New Sales 2 (caption drawing)

2011-12-31T10:55:00.000-06:00

Humiliation Boutique - New Sales 1 (caption drawing)

2011-12-29T17:18:00.000-06:00

Caption request by Kimberley.

Romantic Gestures and D/s

2011-12-27T15:45:00.000-06:00

Below my hard shell of a cynical exterior, deep down I am a through-and-through romantic. It was through chivalry and picturing the "perfect date" or "perfect evening" that I somehow groomed myself to a submissive mindset.

This is a bit more difficult with D/s. To an experienced Domme, "Romantic gestures" are often hard to perform, and even harder to find ways to have it be well-received. This is because it's not really yours to offer, it's her's to take. If you live in a world of established ritual and expectations, acting independently is often frowned upon.

That doesn't mean we should stop trying. Even when serving a strict micro-manager or uber-strict power Domme, it's still possible if you take the time to get to know what makes her tick. This isn't always the easiest, but sometimes a certain look, saying a few simple words, or prostrating yourself in a certain way can really touch her heart. I've always found these times to be the most rewarding in all of Femdom. I can feel her love encircle me, her arms wrap around me as if saying "mine!" and her inner flame ignites into a blinding sun.

I think the key to this is to vastly surpass her expectations and cater to her dominant and romantic triggers. To find ways to give her something she never knew she wanted but loves it now that it's happened... this is never easy, but always rewarding when you succeed.

I'm not quite sure how this looks from the outside. Does it look like a sub over-stepping his bounds or is it more like a man madly in love and searching for new ways to show his love? I do hope the latter as I hope this is more of a positive characteristic of mine rather than a negative trait.

Milking - Fetish and Submission Implications

2011-12-27T02:59:00.000-06:00

This seems like a suitable follow-up topic for my last post.

For health reasons, the prostate must be discharged regularly. The prostate will it regularly fill due to semen production but as it fills it will reduce the capacity of the bladder, causing more frequent urination. Excessive backup can cause painful swelling of the testicles, prostate, and the plumbing that connects them. In addition to normal build up, toxins will build up as well. Regular discharge clears the prostate of said toxins and improves long-term health.

When long-term chastity and orgasm denial come into play, regular milking is recommended in place of normal ejaculation. This is normally performed via prostate massage but it can be achieved in other ways, at least one of which can ruin the ability to orgasm naturally.

The appeal of milking in orgasm denial is that if done slowly and in the absence of stimulation to the penis, the prostate should discharge without an orgasm. Sexual frustration will not be relieved and none of the post-orgasm sub-crash side effects will occur. Since I have never been milked I cannot verify this through first-hand experience but those that practice this regularly seem to have found common results. I have experienced non-anal milking techniques and can verify that the "slow dribble" semen discharge has the same reported results.

It's been only recently that I've really considered the possibility of being locked up in chastity for an extended period of time, so while milking has been something I've researched, it's not something that I've really thought about deeply on an emotional and submissive level.

Looking at it now leads to a few "what if?" type fantasy questions and the potential psychological and submissive reaction.

Milking in itself is a bit humiliating and symbolic of deep dominance and submission. The Domme wants to much to prevent you from achieving an orgasm but does value your health enough to keep your plumbing clean. The thoughts that a man's sexual pleasure should be ignored, that his post-orgasm behavior is inferior so orgasms should be avoided, or that he should only cum while being violated all speak in some way to my submissive nature (my brain says no, my inner sub says yes). The term "milking" itself conjures up images of a domesticated animal being drained of its fluids.

The penis as a flesh and blood dildo.

Most Dommes I know prefer sex with an actual penis. After a prostate milking a sub's cock can still be aroused, but it will supposedly take hours to days for it to recharge enough fluid to actually ejaculate. So... after he is milked she can ride his cock for hours without worrying about him cumming and his unrelieved sexual frustration will grow and grow. I can't really say much about this except that I think it's hot.

A mind fuck can be applied with this same knowledge. If a chaste sub is promised a release and X number of minutes to jerk off and orgasm as many times as he can, milking him immediately before release will rob him of the orgasm and his attempts will be in vain, only contributing to his sexual frustration.

Creating an association.

If a sub is only allowed any form of ejaculation (with or without an orgasm) through prostate stimulation it seems likely that a fetish association would develop over time. In these cases the sub may equate ejaculation with anal violation and begin craving that as his primary means of sexual relief. This would be quite a mind fuck to turn a man who once craved sex into a sub that shakes his ass and wants to be pegged via strap on. I doubt many Dommes would actually want this to happen, but I'm sure there are at least a handful.

A different kind of association.

This might seem a little bit unfair in some ways, but if enough negative reinforcement were placed on a sub's post-orgasm behavior, and his deeply submissive state while mired in prolonged sexual frustration were to be positively reinforced, it could be possible to make a sub actually prefer to denied orgasm. I think this is a two-sided coin in that I would guess that a Domme would be proud of a sub's self-control if he preferred to serve her well without an orgasm. On the flip-side, a sub that doesn't crave an orgasm is probably a bit boring and less fun to fuck with.

Putting it all together.

What I can realistically gather from these ideas are that in most cases, turning the sub's cock into a human dildo of great endurance is probably a good thing, yet reducing the sub to an ass slut or robbing a sub's desire to orgasm probably aren't desirable outcomes. Thus, there is a delicate balance to find.

From what I can gather:
-A sub should receive enough penile stimulation or actual orgasms (even if infrequent) to keep him craving them. He can be kept further off balance if shame is associated with actual stimulation or orgasm.

-Milking should be unpleasant. This can cover both physical and emotional angles. Uncomfortable restraints, a ritual beating before and/or after, and humiliation could see to that outcome.

-Chastity periods between orgasm should be of a known duration. That's not to say that the duration can't change due to reward or punishment, but having a set date will keep the sub's anticipation for his next orgasm up and prevent him from defaulting into an undesirable state.

As a sub, I can say that my deep subspace persona starts to hate itself both immediately before and after climax for my loss of focus and obedience. This gives milking some appeal when thinking as a sub.

Revisiting Chastity

2011-12-26T17:38:00.000-06:00

I know I have posted about chastity in the past and it seems to surface every so often. I had a chat the other day with an ex-Mistress. We parted on okay terms so it's nice every now and then to chat. It's also interesting to note how we have both changed over the years. She has remained extremely dominant for many many years but something that she has developed more recently (since our relationship ended) is mandatory chastity. We toyed with it a bit when we were together but due to significant discomfort we reserved the chastity device for play and I was on the honor system when she wasn't present.

We only talk every few months or so but she has gotten more and more hard line on this topic as time has progressed. Her stance is that an erect penis makes all boys naughty. A good sub isn't naughty. Sexual frustration and desperation increase obedience. To have a well-behaved and extremely obedient sub he should be kept locked in chastity.

To be honest, when she first started gravitating this way she started to scare the shit out of me... the strength of her belief had become unshakable and enforced chastity became a major turn on for her. I honestly think that if her (now an adult) son were 13 years old again in the present tense, she would probably have locked him up and waited until he had a girlfriend to whom she would have given the key under the direction that he should only unlock him if he's been obedient.

She is not someone that believes in permanent chastity. She enjoys watching a penis throb in anticipation. She enjoys watching a male orgasm. She enjoys intercourse with a live human cock that is still attached to a man's body. She's not anti-cock. She's not the type that would make a device permanent with welding or epoxy. She just thinks a cock should be locked up, but that it should also be released (when it deserves to be). If you talk to her about chastity she talks like it should be as natural as eating, breathing, and regular personal hygiene.

I can see how I have changed because she's no longer scary. Chastity plays heavily into my subspace triggers and some of my more major turn-ons (e.g. humiliation via teasing and taunting). That being said, I generally love to orgasm, which turns me into an oxy-moron and I would not classify myself as a chastity enthusiast.

A few things are standing out to me now that didn't before. I believe that the reason chastity turns her on is because she would only deal with subs that want to get erect and want to orgasm. It gets her off to take that away, especially if he hates it. Yes, she is of the "loves it because he hates it" disposition. Coincidentally, my own submission is strongly drawn to the "she loves it because he hates it" style of dominance and I feel like this is starting to create an erotic chastity association with me.

The other thing is that I haven't been in true subspace very often over the past two years. I have been able to self-induce it through fantasy but the lack of a D/s dynamic in our current relationship has made these deep, rewarding experiences few and far between. What I have found lately is that if I finally reach a deep level of subspace when it gets time to cum, I almost beg not to as I am hit in the face by the realization that this feeling will crash and it will be an indefinite amount of time before it happens again. All of a sudden long-term orgasm denial has become appealing since I can keep my submissive feelings and obedience for a longer period of time.

It kind of makes me feel fucked up when I think about it.

Slave Competition Game #8 - Hold the Books

2011-12-26T14:16:00.000-06:00

This will probably be my last game idea unless inspiration strikes. Dealing with my dysfunctional family this week has led me to a rather dismal state of mind. Please forgive the piss poor drawing, it's only meant for example.

This is a variation of the bell game I posted as a comment on Lady Grey's post, Roadblocks.

I'm going to go ahead and pull out all the stops here and include all of the variations to increase difficulty as part of the idea, so this could be made as easy or difficult as you would want it to based upon what gets included and excluded.

Needs:
-Blindfold
-Collar with jingle bells hanging from it (or a snug fitting elastic choker with bells)
-Wrist and ankle cuffs with jingle bells hanging from them (or snug fitting elastic with bells)
-Nipple clamps with jingle bells hanging from them.
-Ball parachute with an attached weight and jingle bells.
-2+ large heavy books. Phone books are probably the safest and they are free.

-Have the subs stand with their legs spread (the wider they are spread the harder this will be) and their arms extended outwards and their palms facing upward.

-Place 1 or more books on each hand.

-The subs are to hold the books at shoulder height and stay still. If a book is dropped on the floor or lowered below the nipples they are disqualified.

-If a bell rings the sub will receive a quick stinging swat with a crop to each ass cheek. If a bell rings while receiving the swat they shall get another swat until they can sturdy themselves enough to take a swat without ringing a bell. (Swats with items heavy enough to move the sub's center of gravity will probably make them drop the books right away so a lighter spanking tool is recommended).

-The last sub holding their books up wins.

Slave Competition Game #7 - Human Crane

2011-12-26T13:44:00.001-06:00

-Dangle a strong magnet by a string from the bottom of a ball parachute so that it is roughly ~14-16" from the floor. Strong magnets can be found at science supply stores or a larger object such as a magnet bar designed to hold kitchen knives to the wall could be used.

-Place ~5 metal objects on the floor that will conduct magnetism. They can be of varying sizes and weights or all the same. Heavier will cause more strain, smaller will be more difficult to pick up. Fishing weights would be relatively inexpensive and be both heavy and small, but I'm not sure if they would all conduct magnetism.

-Restrain the sub's hands behind his back.

-Star a timer.

-The sub must hover over the object on the floor and squat down low enough to have the magnet touch the object and pick the object up.

-The sub that picks up all of the items off the floor in the fastest time, wins.

-If a sub falls down or his knee or butt touches the ground he will be disqualified.

-For added difficulty items like nipple clamps or clothes pins will make it more difficult to concentrate. A posture collar would make it more difficult for the sub to see the objects on the floor with any amount of precision so he may have to scoot around while squatting.

Just what is subspace?

2011-12-25T21:36:00.001-06:00

I received a request to try and adequately describe what subspace is. I'm not sure if I can do this or not, but I'm going to give it a try. While there may be some medical connection of subspace to the production of certain brain chemicals and those brain chemicals may have some addictive qualities, I'm not well-versed enough in what those may be so I'm going to steer clear of it for now and it probably isn't really relevant to this post anyways.

Subspace reduces someone to a child-like state of focus. In this state the Domme becomes the sub's whole world in the same way that a young child might feel like his parents are the whole world.

He will define himself in terms of her. Her behavior towards him and her reactions to his actions will determine how he feels about himself. The morality of this world is determined by what brings her pleasure and displeasure.

The feelings are difficult to describe but it's like your soul is overwhelmed by your love for her and the only thing that matters is what she desires. It is a total surrender to her will. In this state the world makes total sense.

While subspace and arousal are heavily linked, they are not the same thing. e.g. Rubbing a man's cock will get him aroused but it doesn't mean he's in subspace. Once subspace is introduced, arousal and subspace can often feed one another in a loop with deeper subspace leading to greater arousal and greater arousal leading to deeper subspace.

Subspace has varying degrees at any time that can be "shallow" or "deep" depending upon the situation. It's a lot like being drunk.

Early levels: Willing surrender (equivalent to being tipsy).
Middle levels: Desperation to please (equivalent to being drunk).
Deeper levels: Loss of self and independence (equivalent to being wasted).

No subspace at all is the equivalent of being sober.
**Note: I am not comparing subspace to intoxication, just that the intensity of subspace varies from mild to extreme in a similar way and it is usually a process of moving deeper or more shallow.

Environmental variables have a lot of control over subspace. These are often symbolic or developed through association but they can be used to trigger subspace or deepen it. A collar is an easy example of this. If a Domme orders the sub to get his collar it may trigger an immediate drop into subspace or push him into deeper levels of subspace. Rules and fear of punishment can also trigger subspace even if the Domme isn't immediately present. With certain things in place, it's possible to create a subspace loop without that will perpetuate itself within the sub.

Depth of subspace often affects what a sub is willing to endure and enjoy. If deeper levels of subspace are reached, the sub is more likely to willingly submit to more extreme/intense activities. He may hate something physically but love it emotionally because of subspace. If he is in an earlier stage of subspace he may (want to) reject an activity outright but when in deeper stages of subspace it may turn him on. The deeper the subspace, the narrower his vision will become and at its deepest stages, he can only see her.

Orgasms can affect the difficulty of achieving subspace. The more recent the orgasm, the more difficult it can be to return to subspace and reach its deeper levels. This is why many Dommes create a post-orgasm ritual or activity to eliminate or reduce this down time.

Subspace can be addictive. A sub may not only crave to be in subspace, but as he progresses, he will inevitably desire ever deepening levels of subspace. Ideally this progression will mirror the Domme's desire to escalate their D/s relationship to greater levels but this is not always the case.

Overall, I guess subspace could be described as the intensity of emotional surrender a sub feels towards his Domme.

And yes... this post was woefully inadequate at capturing just what makes the feeling of subspace so "magical."

Dominant Anger vs. Out of Control Emotion

2011-12-25T20:14:00.000-06:00

There is a fine line when discipline becomes abuse. The defining characteristic between the two often stems from the state of mind a Domme is in when they occur. Symbolically, this serves as a strong representation of dominance vs. bitchiness.

There's a lot of women out there that will throw a fit if they don't get their way. These are usually vanilla couples but the woman finds ways to break her man down over time until his behavior resembles submission. I'm sure you have all seen this before, but I'm also sure that you wouldn't describe these women as "dominant."

I often describe this contrast as "Queen vs. Princess," and I feel this serves as the dividing line between discipline/punishment and abuse. A Queen rules calmly. She may be strict and punish severely for rules infractions, but it is governed by principles. When she is wronged she voices her displeasure and may manifest that displeasure through physical punishment. A Princess is a slave to her emotions. When they erupt she reacts immediately and without restraint. Simple displeasure may appear as anger and hatred until her mood calms.

This has great implications when looking at the D/s dynamic.

The calm Queen exerts dominance. A sub's natural response is submission and order is restored.
The explosive Princess throws tantrums. A sub's natural response to her attacks is defensiveness and fear.

This is not to say that a Domme can't lose her cool, but ideally this is either a special case, isolated incident, or something that has been "built up to" through D/s interaction. If a sub makes a chronic mistake for say, the tenth time and it has something the Domme has actively tried to correct, it is reasonable to assume that her intense disappointment will likely bring about a stronger reaction than if this was the first occurrence of an accidental oversight by the sub. If she is in the act of punishing and releasing some pent up anger over a sub's infractions, for her to lose herself in the moment and build intensity as she goes, this isn't necessarily a bad thing and it will often lead to some of the more intimate and rewarding D/s activities in its aftermath. These activities generally contribute to the overall D/s dynamic of the relationship. While the Domme may be hurting the submissive, her love protects any serious damage from happening on both an emotional and physical level.

When out-of-control emotions take over from the start, the end result is usually damaging to the relationship and these are the cases where abuse can surface.

Gift Giving

2011-12-25T13:25:00.000-06:00

I love to give gifts and I am often given credit as being a great gift giver so I thought I would share my thoughts on giving gifts. I realize this would have been a more useful post a few days/weeks ago, but the inspiration didn't hit me until last night.

It's the thought that counts. That being said, it's important to remember, it's the thought that counts.

DO NOT give... a vegetarian a gift certificate to a steakhouse, a recovering alcoholic a membership in a beer/wine of the month club, a paraplegic tap dancing shoes, a deaf person an ipod, or a blind person a new TV. This kind of gifting falls into the category of "thoughtless" and will undoubtedly hurt feelings. Some of these examples might seem extreme, but there's tons of lesser examples that fall into this category as well.

DO NOT give a gift that implies a not-so-subtle HINT unless you know damn well it is consistent with what they actually want. e.g. don't give a smoker nicotine patches unless they've said they are actively trying to quit, don't give a woman a membership in a weight loss meal club unless they've said they wanted that, a balding man a hair club membership unless they've said that they wanted that, etc. While you might think you have their best interests in mind, it's insensitive, shitty, and passive aggressive. You are projecting what you think they'd want when in actuality you are hurting their feelings.

It's the thought that counts is hard to adhere to unless you think about what the implied thought actually is. This thought shouldn't be what you think they should be, but an understanding of who they are and what they like.

As you get older people are less likely to say "I want X or Y," and this is why it's often easier to shop for children. Giving a good gift is easy even though it might seem difficult. The more time you spend with someone the easier it is to find the perfect specific gift. For people you see infrequently (such as extended family) your gift will rarely be perfect, but it can be very good by simply exercising your existing knowledge of their interests and translating that to gift form.

Distant in-law #1 you know loves to micro-brew. You have no idea about micro-brewing. A gift certificate to an online store specializing in micro-brewing supplies and ingredients will be superior to a gift certificate to Kohls.

In-law #2 has a serious collection of art-house films on DVD/Blu-Ray. You have no idea what they have and don't have. A gift certificate to a store that stocks Criterion collection movies (such as Barnes & Noble or an online store), to a local theater that specializes in independent and foreign films, or even a Netflix subscription (if they already have one it will just stack on their current subscription and save them money) should go over better than getting them something completely unrelated or taking a stab in the dark on a movie they may already own or didn't like.

When all else fails, you can always ask.

For people you see more frequently this can be a lot easier since you have a regular glimpse into their day to day life. A good gift for them splits into three categories:
1. Something you know they want (and/or related items).
2. Something you know they need but haven't purchased for themselves.
3. Something that shows that you know them and what they like.

#3 is basically the same as my previous examples.

#2 probably won't seem as appreciated right off the bat but you will likely get repeated thank you's down the line. e.g. if you know they eat a lot of rice but generally boil it on the stove, a rice cooker is an easy gift that just about everyone can use and appreciate. If you share rides and know their windshield wipers suck, drop for a pair of top of the line Bosch Icon wipers (make sure you get the year/model of their car before doing this).

#1 is easy since it's already been known. If you plan to get them more than you know they already want or you know someone is already getting them the "big" one, build off of that idea. If she wanted a specific coat, in addition to the coat go after a matching hat, scarf, and gloves that are consistent with her style. If he wanted a Dewalt Cordless drill, an extra battery and charging station always comes in handy. These serve as a great complimentary gift and will make them think of you each time they use the item, even if you weren't the one that bought the big one.

Re-gifting a bad gift or gifting something you got for free only works if the item is perfect for someone else or you really don't care what they think of you.

Remember that it's the thought that counts... but it's the thought that counts. I received a bottle of booze from my relatives for the fourth consecutive year this year when I haven't had a drink in over 10 years and haven't had more than 1 drink in a sitting in over 15 years... and earlier this year I even told them that I don't drink at all when they wondered why I wasn't having wine with dinner. At least booze can usually be re-gifted without hurting anyone's feelings but my own.

If you are a sub buying a gift for your Mistress, it's usually not recommended to buy any BDSM gear unless she picked something out that she specifically wanted. Submissive fantasies often skew the gifting process if you choose one on your own.

100 Followers... almost

2011-12-24T12:36:00.000-06:00

I had a small charge of excitement this morning when I logged into my blogger dashboard and saw my follower count at 100. Then I remembered that I was following my own blog (I'm lame like that) and that counted in the number so I guess I'm still at 99.

After 21 months and 370 posts I've almost reached that milestone.

A big thank you to everyone that reads my blog, posts comments, and follows. I hope your holidays are happy and safe.

BDSM Concept - Meta-Consent

2011-12-23T09:58:00.000-06:00

I have made several posts regarding the idea of meta consent, a term that I will credit Giles English of Chastity Belt Erotica for coining in the comments of one of my earlier related posts.

We all know that the foundation of most BDSM-oriented relationships is consent. In its most basic form, a submissive consents to be involved in certain activities with a Domme and the Domme consents to being involved with certain activities with the sub. In the BDSM community it is considered poor etiquette to expect or perform activities that fall outside of negotiated limits. e.g. A Domme isn't supposed to force a sub to have sex with another man unless that was previously agreed upon. A sub isn't supposed to expect a Domme to shit on his chest unless that was previously agreed upon.

Meta consent is a state where a sub consents to submitting to a Domme and in doing so, agrees to bear whatever she may do to him. Meta consent is usually reserved for more intense lifestyle Femdom relationships and Mistress/slave relationships. This generally requires quite a bit of trust by the sub that she will exercise good judgement and not subject him to things that may cause significant physical or emotional harm.

Basically, meta-consent consents to remove the need for consent for specific actions/activities, which I believe is a bit different from being non-consensual. This can often be a significant hurdle for Dommes if the two get confused.

In many situations, meta consent can lead to deeper levels of subspace by instilling fear of the unexpected and awareness that limits are no longer in play. In actual execution, limits are usually pushed and stretched and gradually increased over time rather than being abruptly shattered as this is in accordance with sound judgement in order to avoid PTSD.

Transfer of Power (caption drawing)

2011-12-23T03:47:00.000-06:00

How important is it for a Domme to understand a male's submission?

2011-12-22T17:43:00.000-06:00

Something that has nagged at me a bit over the past few years is the importance of a Domme understanding the root of a male's submission. A better way of wording this might be: how well she understands his subspace triggers.

My Mistress was somewhat of a novice when we met. She had read books and writings on the consensual BDSM lifestyle but her background was mostly one of assuming every sub was a masochist and that every Domme should get off from spanking her sub. We have talked about things at length but concepts like mind fucking and maintaining subspace just don't happen naturally for her.

And for the question at hand, how important is it for a Domme to understand subspace triggers?

I can see two sides to this that pretty much epitomize the two sides of the D/s lifestyle (consensual vs. more of a meta-consent 24/7-ish style that I will call "hardline Femdom").

From a hardline Femdom standpoint, the understanding is unnecessary. It is more the sub's role to understand her dominance and expectations. She should do as she pleases and he should follow suit and do his best to make her happy at all costs.

From a consensual standpoint, the understanding is of great importance. For both individuals to achieve fulfillment in the relationship, they should be able to connect on many levels, especially this one. If an understanding of a male's subspace triggers isn't reached or if the male doesn't understand the Domme's dominance, the relationship isn't a good fit and they should search for other partners.

In theory, I would like to believe that the hardline Femdom view is reasonable. In theory. In actual practice, the consensual approach is probably closer to what can sustain a successful relationship. But the more that I think about it, I think I really went after the wrong question here.

If I had to guess what some of the more intense Dommes I have known would have probably said about this subject... that understanding a male's subspace triggers is of utmost importance, but using that knowledge for anything beyond exerting control is of little importance. Basically: use it to get his dick hard so he falls into subspace, shove him deeper into subspace so he can serve properly, and then ignore his penis unless it's part of what she wants to do. From a sub's standpoint, if the right types of subspace triggers are applied, it is likely that he will feel the submission he seeks and be fulfilled in serving.

If I did answer the wrong question I guess I'm not sure why this seemed confusing to me. Other questions surrounding this topic are relatively easy to answer. I guess I'm just trying to get a grasp on my own relationship and whether or not it can actually work in the long run.

New Poll: What type of suffering do you prefer?

2011-12-22T16:08:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted a poll in a while. The reason I removed the old polls and haven't really created new ones was because I wanted people to be able to vote for them over an extended period of time. Unfortunately, when I kept extending the time limit older votes began to vanish from the poll. This one will have a 2-week run.

The poll question is directed at both Dommes and subs in relation to emotional vs. physical suffering.

I'm curious if you have one that floats your boat more than the other or if you prefer to have both involved when suffering occurs.

Some examples of activities I would consider emotional suffering:
-Corner time
-Scolding
-Speech / eye contact restrictions
-Humiliation
-Mind fucking

Some examples of activities I would consider physical suffering:
-Spanking / flogging
-Bondage
-Orgasm denial / chastity
-CBT
-Nipple torture

Sexual Frustration as a Domination Tool

2011-12-22T10:13:00.000-06:00

In the past I have written about the post-orgasm subspace crash and the difficulty for a sub to get "back on track" in its aftermath. I have also touched upon some of the characteristics of prolonged orgasm denial but I don't think I've gone very in depth about it.

So what exactly happens with denial and the resulting sexual frustration?

In small doses, a male kept on edge will increase in focus and attentiveness. This is one situation where the male cock actually helps obedience more than it hurts it. The cock has its innate desire to cum and correctly leads the sub to behave in accordance with what should make that happen.

What about when small doses become large doses, when that intense desire begins to grow beyond the typical male arousal?

It's hard to really describe this as it's a gradual process. There are several factors that all build up together. The early stage (stage 1) can be characterized by:
-Arousal surfaces more easily and more frequently. This will increase the sub's awareness of his own sexual frustration and what it will take to release.

-Focus increases, he will become more in tune with the desires of his Domme. He is sure that good behavior will lead to release.
-His body's awareness will heighten, smell and touch will become more sensitive. The slightest hint of sexuality will cause his body to tingle. The nipples become perky and sensitive.

As prolonged denial continues, more changes happen (stage 2):
-He will gradually become desperate. It will take less to make him agitated and anxious.
-His emotions will be magnified, especially in regards to the excitement brought about by anticipation and the suffering caused by disappointment.

If the pattern continues and emotional pressure is applied, the sub can be pressed to a deeper state (stage 3), but this may require the use of chastity:
-He will become high strung. The smallest gesture can drive him wild with desire or to crash into the depths of despair.
-If he stops believing he will be allowed release he will either cheat or fall into a state resembling depression, a broken man, defeated, and he will attempt to abandon his own will and surrender to her.

The advancement between stages is a process. It requires certain parts of his emotions and submission to reach their "limit" before his psyche discovers a new level of subspace. The speed at which this happens can be accelerated or decelerated by the Domme, but his emotional and submissive characteristics and libido will affect the overall pace of the transition.

With knowledge of the stages in place, there are ways to exert greater control and exploit his weaknesses. This is especially effective if trying to change his behavioral patterns.

-Mind fucks will wield a significant amount of power. His emotions will be thrown into complete disarray and he will react with a mix of panic and desperation. This is a prime state if you wish to induce tears without having to lift a finger.

-His motivation and drive will be off the charts, especially if it's implied that this is the path to release. Failure is not an option. e.g. if he's sent on a task to pick up some obscure specialty item without guidance upon where to find it, he may spend countless hours and drive all over the place in order to find it when during normal times he may simply give up and take a punishment.

-He can be shoved into ever-increasingly deep level of subspace. If given a glimmer of hope and having that hope crushed will advance his submission. e.g. telling him "I was thinking and... I should let you cum... just not today should light a spark and then extinguish it, sending him into even deeper darkness.

It should be noted that monitoring his emotional state is very important the longer this process continues. While the submissive emotional response will be magnified, so will his emotional response to external stress factors (e.g. bad day at work, road rage, etc.) and he may become angry more easily towards little things. From my experiences, the longer this state persists, the more important it is for the Domme to be overtly loving and caring. While she might constantly be fucking with him and keeping him an emotional wreck, spending time each day to cuddle, being gentle and intimate, while reminding him of her love for him does wonders to keep him calm and away from depression.

Saying, "I think I like you better this way," is pretty much the ultimate for causing inner emotional conflict for him. If he begins to equate your happiness with his own denial it can shape some interesting outcomes.

I think...

2011-12-21T22:31:00.000-06:00

I'm going to cut back on the personal posts for a bit. I feel like some of my writing has been a bit desperate. It's hard to describe. Some of it has been cathartic but some of it feels a little unnatural... like I was writing just to write, hoping to feel connected to something, someone, some idea, or whatever.

It feels like I am a bit worse off for it... and I'm probably making myself out to be a schmuck. I'm not sure really, but if you think so, feel free to tell me that.

I don't really open up too much about myself beyond D/s on here (with the exceptions of when I'm fighting with Mistress) but I'm feeling a bit awkward and self-conscious right now... like letting certain parts of my life hang out in the open was a bad decision. I guess it's that I feel a little disappointed with myself as a person lately and I'm worried that the people that I connect with here will be disappointed in me if they see those parts of me.

I think part of it is because blog-land has been rather quiet lately with people being busy for the holidays. Usually I enjoy reading and trying to help and support others with feedback and comments. I really enjoy helping others more than feeling like I need help.

This could just be me out of whack after crucifying myself on an earlier post tonight but this feeling is nagging at me. Maybe I should just stick to BDSM theory and drawing.

Slave Competition Game #6 - Dance Off

2011-12-21T22:15:00.000-06:00

Yet another game idea for Lady Grey's post Roadblocks.

I'm not quite sure what Patsy likes about forced fem, so I'm not sure if this will have any appeal to any of you but it might be entertaining. This does go under the assumption that the men will at some point, be dressed up in women's clothing.

Choose a "theme song." Each woman could choose a unique song for their sub or it could be the same song for all of them. You may want to have some limitations on length (e.g. 3 to 4 minutes).

Each sub has to come up with a choreographed dance routine to go with the song. The routine should be as sexy as possible and they will have to be able to perform it while dressed (I'm assuming this will involve some sort of high-heeled footwear). They will have X number of days to practice and perfect their routine. It will probably be more fun if you don't give them any direction on what "sexy" is.

On the day of:
Turn off the background lights in the room.
Have some sort of bright lamps acting as spot lights on them.
Play the music and have each of them perform their routine one at a time.
Upon completing their dance, each woman will judge them on a scale of 1 to 10 for: sexiness, technical execution, and originality.
Highest score wins.

Variations:
-On the day of the performance, add nipple clamps or a well-placed clothes pin before they start their dance. This should mess them up something royal.
-Have them wear some kind of eye mask that hides their identity and video tape it. Tell them it will be going on youtube (even if you have no plan on doing that).

I have a feeling this would bring on many laughs and you may even discover some surprising creativity from the subs.

Submissive Self-Evaluation

2011-12-21T21:51:00.001-06:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life and about who I am. This is something I constantly did in my younger days and back then I was always trying to become someone better. It also kept me feeling a constant inadequacy. At some point I finally matured to where I was no longer constantly forcing change... I just learned to be.

It's been a while since I delved into myself and I think I'm due for an honest look.

I'll start with the easy part.

Physically, I have many flaws. I am short. Not like midget short, but below average height. I am not particularly good looking and while I'm not sure what really gets women attracted to a man, I'm definitely not a pretty boy. My penis below average size. I am out of shape right now. I have a large build and I just haven't been exercising or watching what I eat over the past year or so.

In response...
I honestly can't do anything about my height or my natural build, nor my facial features. This is just something I have accepted as me and try to make up for it in other ways (personality, obedience, etc.). What I may lack in penis size I can thankfully make up for with endurance and effort. That may sound like bragging but who really wants to admit they have a small dick that can go for 4+ hours? It's more of a relief that it's not a small dick that goes for three pumps.

I just started working out again. My body responds very quickly to exercise and I'm able to burn fat and build muscle at a crazy pace. Within 1 month I will be much happier with myself than I am now and within 3 months I will feel good about myself. I just wish I had the ability to drop mass. I either have a 6-pack or a keg with nothing in between...

The thing that keeps getting worse over time are my joints and I know this affects my value as a submissive. I played many sports growing up at a competitive level and I have managed to injure most of my joints to the point where they have become chronic and affect my day to day life and have robbed me of my flexibility. Prolonged uncomfortable bondage isn't really possible without having the potential to cripple me for a week+. I do just fine with being restrained for long periods, but women of the cruel nature that I so crave are more the types to restrain me twisted up like a pretzel and I may fail because of that.

I have one other large negative physical quirk that I am trying to fix/change. I used to love the smell and taste of vaginas. The scent was comforting to me. The third Domme I served (for about 4 months) was a front wiper. One day when I was chained to the bed she straddled my face and I started to lick her when all of a sudden something wasn't right and my gag reflex went off, causing me to vomit in my mouth. This was several years ago but the scent that once made me feel warm and safe now tends to trigger my gag reflex. We have been slowly working towards repairing this but in many ways I feel like I'm a ruined sub until this has been reversed.

Overall:
I will get myself in shape. The rest of it I'm kind of stuck with. Some helpful "nudging" by Mistress would assist greatly in terms of diet and exercise, but ultimately this is up to me to take care of. On the upside, I still look much younger than I am and I still get carded if I go to see an R-rated movie.

Personality. This is a tough one because some of my strengths are also weaknesses. I do have some weaknesses that are never strengths.

Sense of humor. This is one of my defining characteristics. I like to laugh, I have a quick wit, and I appreciate deep levels of humor. If I'm not in subspace I can be kind of a brat sometimes and occasionally my sense of humor falls into the realm of inappropriate. In the past I have had the brat beaten out of my through swift punishment and I learned how to keep it under control. The downside is that I am male so it inevitably returns if not reminded every so often.

Intelligence. This is my best friend and my worst enemy. The positives are that I'm a fast learner, I have a great memory, and I have the ability to evaluate and analyze situations on the fly and make sound reactionary decisions. The negatives are that I occasionally get arrogant if I get "on a roll" and I can be stubborn when I believe a certain course of action is the best or most correct choice. While the negatives could be beaten out of me I feel stupid for not being able to control them on my own.

Work ethic. I bust my ass to learn and master things. I delve into every possible aspect of something and practice again and again until I perfect it. I expect the best of myself and I put in the effort to make it happen... but this occasionally leads me to obsession. When I get obsessed and focused on something I inevitably fail as a human being. Tunnel vision towards something other than Mistress is probably the worst imaginable thing to have. As I wrote in an earlier post this week, I have no problem dropping hobbies for what I truly need and desire, so this rarely is a problem if the D/s intensity stays up and then my work ethic is a strong positive.

Honesty, integrity, and straight-forwardness. Everyone knows what good things come from these traits but they can be ugly when honesty isn't going to go over well, integrity leads to stubbornness, and being straight-forward seems uncaring. I need to use more care and think outwardly about others before allowing any of these traits to take over my words and actions.

Primary weaknesses... this is probably going to be one of the hardest things to write about honestly but here goes.

Insecurity. I have abandonment issues. These stem to my early childhood and sometimes it feels like I can't escape them. I will do anything, endure anything, and sacrifice everything to not be left alone. Reacting to my insecurities has led to some of my positive characteristics, but insecurity is never, ever, ever sexy. I know that I have to be more confident with myself... believe that I am someone worth knowing, worth loving, and worth keeping... I'm just not sure with how much I'll be able to change this with things as they are. I fear these issues will never really go away, just become less of a problem.

Depression. God, how this has fucked up my life for as long as I can remember. I have a fairly decent grasp on my depression, I know how to fight it off before it starts, I know how to deal with it after it has shown up, I just don't know how to get rid of it. My depression is rooted in my abandonment issues as well as physical and emotional abuse that I received while growing up. What makes it harder is that I go through periods of feeling "needy," and other periods where I need some form of obsession to keep my mind occupied. Thankfully I have found a way to keep my stress levels low enough to keep my ulcers under control. They only really flare up when Mistress and I fight.

When I am at my weakest I just need to be loved. The best therapy I have ever had for it was to be over Mistress's lap, chains locked on to show me that she wasn't going to let me go, and in a calm voice, being scolded for feeling this way and reminded that she loves me and I will be hers while she spanked me. The last time this happened I believe I felt the most love I have ever felt for another person.

If depression does rear its ugly head... it's a tough battle for me to overcome. I lose sex drive. I lose motivation. I lose hope. Even worse, and I know I will probably come off as really fucked up when I say this, but when my depression is full on I start having severely negative thoughts that randomly jump into my head like, "I would rather be dead," or "I'm fucking worthless," often accompanied by a recollection of an event where I made a bad decision or hurt/wronged someone and now regret. I know those thoughts aren't real, but at their worst, trying to brush them off 30+ times a day really puts a downer on everything.

Next up is a topic I dread to face, which is my station in life.

I have a four year degree from a major university. I have been very gifted academically and finished near or at the top of my class since elementary school. Many things indicate I should be a success in life. My depression and insecurities have haunted me for as long as I can remember (they started at around age 5) and for most of my teen years, they almost took over my life although I continued to succeed on an academic level. Back then I was always living in fear of an unhappy future. When I learned to cope with my depression, it was in the form that most of my therapists had tried to get me to do all along... and that is... live day by day.

That's what I have done. I lived day by day but at the expense of the future. I try not to let myself get tangled up into negative thoughts and worries about the economy, etc. The problem is that I stopped trying to change my station in life and just tried to get by without being pulled under.

When I graduated college I was with my first Mistress and she was ill. I needed flexibility and money right away so instead of going and applying for careers, I took a job in a field I had interest in right out of the gate. I did this with the fear that years later I would still be stuck in that dead end job because I was able to get by and be afraid to shake up my life and try to advance in a career. The problem is... years later I am still stuck in that dead end job.

On some levels it is fulfilling. I enjoy what I work with, I am very knowledgeable about it, I enjoy imparting that knowledge onto others, and it is a small business (~8 employees) where I'm able to use my problem solving skills to try and improve how things are done. Each year I'm able to come up with several measures that end up saving $20k+ per year. Each year my raise has been somewhere in the realm of 25 to 50 cents. Each year at my review I'm told that there just isn't enough money flowing in to get a real raise to a decent wage. Each year it means that there's a few weak links that continue to mismanage things so badly that we struggle to be profitable. Each year I'm told I will be given more work that is better suited to my skill set. Each year they bring in someone new who fails at what I was supposed to be doing. I'm reaching my burnout point and that would probably be a good thing.

I live paycheck to paycheck. I have enough savings to cover ~2-4 major emergencies, but I'm not in a position where my income would be called "gainful."

I am great at coming up with excuses for why I don't improve my life (the economy sucks, etc.) The reality of it is that I'm scared to make changes when I have found a way to survive day by day. I need to fix this. I wish I had the support and pressure from Mistress to work at this but again, that's just an excuse for my own weakness.

I need to change for the better. I need to find where to start so that I can make those changes without unbearable amounts of anxiety.

Lastly... I will look at myself as a submissive.

In my submission I have always tried to be like clay. To be shaped into whatever she wanted me to be. Lately I feel a bit like certain parts of me have been run through the kiln, taking a solid form that can no longer be changed and that the rest of me has lost its shape. I don't know if those parts that have taken form can be changed but I hope they can be. I also hope that Mistress is able to help reshape what has been lost.

My depression plagued me a lot this past year and my rocky relationship with Mistress did its part as well. My impulse is no longer one to do things for her without her asking because I am often scared of how she will act towards me no matter what I do. If decisions are left until the last minute there's no way I can fuck up. This is a terrible, terrible state to be in for a submissive. I'm fucking ashamed of myself for being this way. Is it unfair for me to need the D/s dynamic for me to return to my former self? A self where every impulse relates to her.

We had some of our first D/s activity the other day in the shower and it seemed almost foreign.

What I can see...
I need to change. I need to have a healthier state of mind. I need a healthier body. I need to be stronger.
I wish that she would take charge and bring out the best in me. It is weak and unfair of me to need this, I should want to be the best I can be for her.

I will keep trying.

Humiliation Boutique - Business Logic (caption drawings)

2011-12-20T17:10:00.001-06:00

Feel free to call me a lazy artist as I didn't feel like making another drawing just to make a new caption. The second one popped into my head as I was finishing this but I didn't want to cram it into the first one.

Humiliation Boutique - Sales Training

2011-12-20T02:43:00.000-06:00

So I said I'd be taking a break for a while... at least from the themed stuff. I had a bit of an adrenaline rush while writing my last post and it gave me my third wind for the day so I drew this one while winding down.

Vanessa's Dilemma

2011-12-20T01:49:00.001-06:00

I was really wanting to write tonight as it (usually) brings me joy and peace to find something interesting to write about and hopefully discuss with others. I was thinking about some topic ideas when I realized there was something that I think is very interesting staring me right in the face.

It is based upon a few different posts on other blogs. It is in regards to the situation of one of Lady Grey's friends, Vanessa, and her situation with her (soon to be ex) husband/sub and contrasted by a beautifully written post by Cleo on her and Marc's blog.
Here are links to the posts:
http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/2011/01/slight-glitch.html
http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/2011/12/roadblocks.html
http://fromvanillatokinky.blogspot.com/2011/12/this-is-not-about-sex-but-its-about.html

A few things really stand out to me about this, namely, what could make a sub so useless and why that is a despicable state to reach.

When I think about it, there's two primary reasons a sub could reach a state where they were unable to function without overt direction from their Domme.

The first is that the Domme is so strict that he is afraid to act independently.
The second is that the sub's weakness of mind caved in and reached a state of complete surrender, lacking any independent personality of his own.

Now the second may be a reaction to the first, but that definitely isn't the only possible reaction.

If you are a lifestyle submissive you have to be ready at any time to fulfill any one of a number of roles for varying aspects of your relationship.

Day-to-Day:
-butler / maid / valet
-chef / waiter / bus boy / dishwasher
-landscaper / gardner
-chauffeur / errand boy
-etc.

Relationship:
-friend
-lover
-confidante
-companion
-entertainer
-provider
-protector
-etc.

Sexual/BDSM:
-penis
-cunnilingus machine
-body worshipper
-whipping boy
-anal vagina
-prisoner
-cuckold
-etc.

If you are capable of easily transitioning between roles as any situation calls for it, you should be able to make even the most demanding Domme's happy. So where did Vanessa's sub fail?

When the chips were down, his inner knight was nowhere to be found. As powerful as a Domme may be, a worthy lover is a mix of submissive qualities, personal qualities, and chivalry. She may force him to wear panties every day and put him over her knee and spank him until he cries, but when needed, he will be there for her, stand up for/with her, and be willing to throw or take a punch to defend her. He acts as her shield, not in a sense that she is defenseless, but more as a knight's shield that she has in hand and wields when necessary, always in her possession and under her control.

Is it too much to ask this of a man, to be everything submissive but also to protect? Hell no. The reason... is love.

Taking on this role requires a tremendous amount of love for and devotion to his Domme. I am proud to be this. I am proud to have been chosen for this role. As submissive as I may be, threaten the one that I love and serve and it will take a group of people to hold me back. Don't fuck with the one that I love or I will fucking end you. It's not eloquent, I'm not a violent brute, but don't fuck with her or you'll answer to me.
Illness took away the one that I love once before. If cancer was a person he'd currently be a dead, rotting, and bloody pulp taking a permanent dirt nap.

Vanessa's ex failed. Somewhere inside him he lost that will to act, to defend, and to love with his all. Somewhere inside him his own fears and insecurities took over his will to protect and care. I can see why this behavior and his inability to change would be deemed unforgivable. To not be there for her in her time of need is unforgivable.

The love of a D/s relationship goes both ways. Subs may be beaten, mind-fucked, denied sexually, humiliated, and controlled, but goddamn it we love the one that's doing it. Dommes may get a kick out of beating us, mind fucking us, denying us sexually, humiliating us, and controlling us, but what makes it special is that they love us too. If you ever doubt that, read Cleo's post and that should clear things up.

I hope that Vanessa is able to get things rolling again in a good way soon and that she's able to find someone that will make her happy and won't let her down if crisis makes another unexpected visit.

I really tried to stay as objective as possible while writing this... but I got a bit heated in the moment and I'm sure it shows. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but it probably gives a bigger glimpse into who I am than a purely impersonal and objective post.

Humiliation Boutique - Interlude - A Little Self Deprecation (caption drawing)

2011-12-20T00:28:00.000-06:00

Humiliation Boutique - Next Series

2011-12-17T03:19:00.000-06:00

I know that I said I'd be taking a break but it's 3am and I can't sleep...

So I drew the meeting that will be the next set of drawings that I do.

Slave Competition Game #5 - Gladiator Battles

2011-12-17T02:24:00.001-06:00

This is another game idea for Lady Grey's post, Roadblocks.

This one is a bit on the comical side but may provide a good laugh.

Needs:
Carton of eggs
Bondage belt
Pair of wrist restraints
Pair of ankle restraints (or rope)
A 4-6" chain (not needed if rope is used)
Jock strap (or snug fitting underwear like tighty whities or panties)
A pair of foam bats and/or foam noodles (that are used for floating in a pool)
A 30 second timer to ensure a fast and frantic pace

Directions:
Lock each wrist restraint to opposite sides of the belt.
Lock a chain between the ankle restraints (or secure the ankles together with rope with 4-6" of give).
Place an egg inside front of the jock strap.

Version 1: Fencing
Place a foam bat in the sub's non-dominant hand.
Start the subs 6' away from each other.
Start the timer.
The first sub to break the other sub's egg wins.
If time expires with neither egg broken, both receive a loss.
If both eggs get broken simultaneously, both receive a loss.
If a sub breaks the egg just by moving, without being struck by the opponent's bat, he receives a loss and should have his ass beaten.
All subs will face off against each other once. The subs with the most wins will face off in the finals.

Version 2: Jousting
Place a foam noodle in the sub's non-dominant hand.
Start the subs 10-12' away from each other.
Start the timer.
The first sub to break the other sub's egg wins.
If time expires with neither egg broken, both receive a loss.

If both eggs get broken simultaneously, both receive a loss.
If a sub breaks the egg just by moving, without being struck by the opponent's noodle, he receives a loss and should have his ass beaten.
All subs will face off against each other once. The subs with the most wins will face off in the finals.

Variants:
-You could do both fencing and jousting to see who is the "top" gladiator.
-If any sub goes win-less they could have a special penalty punishment (such as cleaning up the eggs and/or a beating).
-If any sub goes undefeated there might be a special reward... but "representing" for his Mistress and going undefeated is a reward in its own right.
-A well-placed clothes pin or two might make them move even faster.

You could probably go without the restraints but I have a feeling that the shuffling around with their ankles bound and being unable to swing the "weapons" with their arms will force them to get closer and flail wildly. The timer is somewhat unnecessary but will prevent anyone from "turtle-ing" and going in backwards, since if no one wins, they both lose.

It's not quite as devious as the ball parachute game but who doesn't like seeing people bash each other in the nuts with nerf bats, especially if it squirts egg all over their junk?

State of Being, State of Self

2011-12-17T01:51:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure exactly where this is going to go but I've been thinking a lot tonight...

If you didn't know I was "into the lifestyle" and met me on vanilla terms, there's a good chance that you would think that I am defined by my hobbies and interests. I have roughly 6-8 hobbies and past-times that I tend to cycle through every 6 months or so. I almost always return to the hobbies and for that period of time it often dominates my focus and it seems to be what I want to talk about, want to do, and so on.

There have been times throughout my life where I wasn't seen as "relationship material" because of this. The woman couldn't see how I could focus on them when I have such serious hobbies. They thought I would be like the types who vanish to the garage or basement and don't surface for anything besides meals, the bathroom, and sleeping. Where I have commonly been misunderstood is that my hobbies were a substitute for the meaning that wasn't there. It was an interesting way to pass the time when I didn't have someone to give my love and my all to.

Throughout the course of my life I have had pretty bad luck with relationships. If I went on a date, we would become friends and not a relationship. If a relationship started to bud with a shy girl, she would reject me for being too open about my feelings. If a relationship started to bud with a girl and I would hold back, she would reject me for not being affectionate enough. I was lucky enough to really connect with a couple of women and had circumstances tear us apart. Those meetings were rather rare and far between.

During the long down times I found that if I tried my hardest to find a relationship, it would never happen. If I would sit back and wait for "opportunity" to strike, it would never happen. Dumb luck has always been the deciding factor for me in terms of success and failure. I still see myself as awkward and I don't really have a lot of confidence in terms of finding relationships. I know deep down I have the capacity to make a woman happy, be it D/s or vanilla, but at the same time, I don't know if I will be given the opportunity to "shine."

I think this is partly (if not mostly) why I fight so desperately to keep relationships together. Things changed a little bit when I entered the lifestyle. It was talking about thoughts on love and relationships that got me into the lifestyle. During a conversation with a woman-friend about what I thought a perfect guy would be like in a relationship and how I wanted to "be that guy," she looked at me and flat out said, "you're a submissive." She became my first Mistress.

For the first time in my life, life made sense. My brain is of the nature that creates a lot of "white noise" in my daily life. Lots of nagging issues, worries, and stress. I can only think of four things that have ever granted me freedom from that noise: playing on stage with a rock band, getting drunk out of my mind, getting high out of my mind, and submission. I haven't played in a band in years and I gave up drugs and alcohol many years ago... so that leaves me with only one option... and luckily, that option is the sustainable one.

For some reason I seem to have done pretty well with this. I'm not quite sure how or why I seem to finally succeed somewhere. Is it because I had the mentality before I developed the kink? My first Mistress described it that "my head was screwed on right." My ex-Mistress said that it was my willingness to suffer for her. In my vanilla days I was simply willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I loved. Hobbies? Meaningless. I'd drop them all in a heartbeat. Distraction is bad.

How have I changed since then? Not much except it has probably changed to I am willing to sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to. And not only am I willing to give up my hobbies, but I have no problem giving up orgasms, freedom, physical and emotional comfort, dignity, pride, and male ego. I don't mind (and even cherish) having my thoughts trapped in a box focused solely upon her needs and linking my own happiness and feelings of self-worth to whether or not I have met her expectations of me. Now that I think about it, those things were all characteristics I deemed expendable even before I entered the lifestyle.

What is a bit strange is that I'm not sure what the best way is for me to be utilized. I've never been asked to give up music because the Dommes I have served have enjoyed me playing music for them. I've never been asked to give up writing because they have usually enjoyed what I write. I've never been asked to give up my interest in films because they have all enjoyed the movies I have shared with them. I've never been asked to stop thinking about things because my ability to analyze and evaluate things have been appreciated. Is it bad to be willing to give up these things if they are some of my strengths? All I can really do is trust that she will decide wisely for me... and continue to be willing to sacrifice any of it if she wants that.

The bigger question is would I be able to give up my fetishes? Even thinking about it creates a submissive loop that feeds itself. For example, take fur:
A woman that removes fur from my life because she chooses to deny it and doesn't care about my arousal -> The thought of being denied turns me on and makes me submissive -> and so on.

Am I better off ridding myself of these (which I doubt is possible) and being open to a life without them? Or are my fetishes better off being manipulated to keep me in a deeper and desperate state of subspace? By even implying it is better off am I merely trying to manipulate things with my subconscious or is it the truth? I guess it is up to her to decide, but I don't know what to think on that one? I guess it's just up to her preference and whether or not she cares about how those might contribute to my happiness or fulfillment.

And... my thoughts have deteriorated into the white noise that is my racing mind without D/s.

All I know for sure is that I would sacrifice anything for and give all of myself to the one I love and submit to.

The absence of D/s really makes me feel lonely and sad... which is why I turn to hobbies to pass the time.

A Random Observation

2011-12-17T00:50:00.000-06:00

I forgot that Mistress is working an overnight tonight so again I'm at home and up late by myself.

I just realized that part of the disintegration of our D/s interactions and the loss of connection in our relationship in general seems to almost directly coincide with her changing jobs and going from working Monday-Friday 9-5 shifts to overnight shifts 4 days a week with and working every other weekend.

I work Monday through Friday first shift and it used to be we would both get home, be kind of tired, want to relax a bit, and share some time. Now it seems that when I get home kind of tired, she is wide awake and fresh as can be. On days when she is tired, that tends to coincide with when I am wide awake.

I'm not really sure but I get the feeling that this schedule change that happened a few years ago has probably strained our relationship more than either of us would like to admit. When she first started on third shift I recommended she become full-time nocturnal and sleep either from like 9am-4pm or like 1pm until 8pm. She never heeded this advice and there are many days where she burns the candle at both ends.

This is something I will have to think about more and possibly develop a way of talking about it that won't lead to a fight.

Humiliation Boutique - Santa's Lap (caption drawing)

2011-12-17T00:41:00.000-06:00

This is the last one from the Santa series. I may take a bit of a break from drawing before starting the next one.

Humiliation Boutique - Fifth Sexy Santa (caption drawing)

2011-12-16T23:03:00.002-06:00

Humiliation Boutique - Fourth Sexy Santa (caption drawing)

2011-12-16T17:25:00.002-06:00

Humiliation Boutique - Third Sexy Santa (caption drawing)

2011-12-14T23:59:00.000-06:00

What makes a punishment a punishment?

2011-12-14T22:09:00.001-06:00

Just what makes something a punishment?

In the BDSM world of fetish, submission, and masochism, what really separates an activity from being kinky vs. a punishment?

While I'm sure to the vanilla world there are many things that would seem like a punishment, such as corporal punishment, humiliation, orgasm denial, or chores. When these become the norm, what is the deciding factor?

I have thought about this question a lot over the years... how to answer that ever-asked question of "if I beat him, he likes it, so how is that a punishment?"

The common characteristic that make punishments what they are I believe is the introduction of meaningless hardship. Hardship that doesn't have to be there but is added in order to create suffering and serves no beneficial purpose beyond that.

If the sub already does the chores, restricting his hand movement by attaching his wrists to his balls increases difficulty, discomfort, and creates a sense of despair as he knows his performance will be poor, leading to increased punishment.

If the sub is already well-disciplined and well-controlled at keeping his hands off of his penis and controlling his erections, adding a chastity device or KTB drives home the point.

Forcing the sub to sleep in a cage instead of a bed is another means to inflict suffering.

Corporal punishment can be performed on such a level where the aftermath will haunt them for days (this usually goes well-beyond enjoyable kink).

Some of the longest-standing examples throughout history that mirror a similar sentiment are the punishments from legend/mythology in ancient Greece.

Sisyphus was able to cheat death twice. His punishment was to roll a giant boulder up a hill. When the boulder reached the top, it would roll back down and he would begin again... for all eternity.

Tantalus did a lot of pretty fucked up shit. His punishment was to stand in a pool of water up to his neck below a fruit tree. If he reached for the fruit, the branches moved away. If he leaned forward to drink, the water would lower out of reach.

Prometheus took fire from the gods and gave it to man. This gave man knowledge and made them too similar to the gods. His punishment was to be chained to a rock and every day a giant eagle would come and rip out his liver and every night it would grow back again.

The common themes: incredible suffering with a pointless state of existence.

Where we're at now

2011-12-14T21:36:00.000-06:00

There's been some new readers lately and I haven't really talked about my D/s life in a while so I figured I would give a brief recap to where things are now. I also realize I haven't talked much about my personal life at all so there may be some new tidbits even if you've been reading since the beginning.

Currently, the 5+ year relationship between Mistress and I is pretty much a vanilla relationship with kink in the bedroom (or shower), and the bedroom just doesn't happen much anymore. About two years ago she developed some severe joint pain that prevented us from having sex anymore. A couple of months ago she finally had major surgery to correct that problem, from which she is still recovering.

Our relationship has been a rocky but rewarding one. The first couple of years were great. We played frequently. I took care of most of the chores and cooking and we would regularly go out looking for things to spice up our D/s life. Sexual interactions were frequent. Her son, at the time, was able to fall asleep early and sleep through the night and was well-behaved at school.

At about the two-and-a-half year mark her BPD really began to manifest itself and the relationship turned abusive. It's one thing when your Mistress is in control emotionally and gets angry. It's another when you experience a rage bomb exploding in your face and have no idea why. There's no punishment or scolding, but instead hatred and attempts to hurt you deeply, both physically and emotionally. This can be for a reason, or for seemingly no reason at all. When it flares up... words that are said imply a million other negative words, and if you remain silent, the silence implies another million negative words.

Due to some experiences while I was growing up, I have developed a great deal of emphasis on what I say and I try to never say something that cannot be taken back unless I absolutely mean it and am willing to bear the consequences of that. This situation has grown particularly difficult over the years since what I say is often interpreted as something else and I am treated as if I said the "something else." Even if we are able to talk through it, she still behaves as if I said those things. This does go beyond just words as well.

Months before her surgery she picked a fight with me and attacked me saying that she knew I wasn't going to care for her after her surgery. She proceeded to treat me for weeks as if the surgery had already happened, she had recovered, and I hadn't taken care of her... which is a bit fucked up if you think about it. In the aftermath, when I did care for her following the surgery, she still believes it was okay to treat me badly before the surgery under the anticipation of me failing.

From an outside view it's probably pretty easy to say that I should have walked away soon after this type of behavior started and failed to stop. I have continued to love and believe that we can work through and overcome this but in the process I know I have sacrificed a great deal of self-esteem, self-confidence, and weathered through a great deal of stress and abuse.

I don't really know, I guess. I do know I am approaching my limit of what I can reasonably handle.

Mistress is the fifth Domme I have served, third if you only count the relationships that lasted for more than 6 months. We met on collarme with friendship as the goal as we had planned to meet casually for coffee and talk about the lifestyle. I was on the tail-end of my previous D/s relationship that was all but dead: she was in the process of moving hundreds of miles away, I wasn't invited to move with her, we hadn't seen each other in two months, spoken in 3+ weeks, and she said she by email a couple of weeks earlier that she would be releasing me very soon.

We started out talking about the lifestyle; some experiences, some ideas. She asked a lot of questions and I gave a lot of answers. Coffee turned into dinner, dinner into desert. She asked if she could come over to my place and I said yes. I'm usually the type of person that carefully mulls over every option and wants to be certain about decisions before I make them. That hadn't really worked for me most of my life so I threw caution to the wind and went with things. I did feel guilty that I hadn't been officially released yet (that call came four days later), but this now was the real human contact I hadn't had in months.

Mistress was fairly new to the lifestyle at this point with about 4 months of experience under her belt. She accepted me for who I was and all the quirks that go along with my submissiveness and fetishes. When we arrived at my apartment we talked, I massaged her, and then we played and things went from there. We had a great first two and a half years. Things have been shaky since then and that has led us to the state we are in now.

I'm hoping things make a turn for the better once she fully recovers from the surgery. I hope she's able to make some headway in controlling her BPD (she had a major outburst of it yesterday and a minor one this evening) but I'm not sure how well that will go unless she really wants it to get better. Currently we are both each others' longest lasting relationship.

In the meantime, my blog, my drawings, my twisted fantasies... these are my outlet for what doesn't happen in reality. Those and the support of my readers are why I keep going here.

Sissiest Item of the Year (involving fur)

2011-12-14T21:03:00.000-06:00

Each year something usually stands out as being the item that I would deem as the most humiliating thing available that includes fur in some way.

I hadn't been browsing department stores much lately but when I stumbled upon this it easily won out:

Humiliation Boutique - Second Sexy Santa (caption drawing)

2011-12-14T00:55:00.000-06:00

Slave Competition Game Idea #4 - Human Croquet

2011-12-13T17:08:00.000-06:00

Another game idea.

Needs:
A ball for each Domme (anything tennis ball sized or larger should work)
Rope/restraints
A large room that is fairly open

Assign each sub a starting number (they will cycle positions so this is just the beginning).
Tie their hands behind their back and attach their wrist to their balls so that they're a little contorted (the idea is to have their legs slightly bent and spread).

Take turns rolling the ball toward the subs' end of the room. The subs must quickly form a line and spread their legs so that the ball rolls through their legs like a croquet wicket. On the first roll #1 should be at the front, #2 second, and so on. On the second roll, #1 will go to the back, #2 will move to the front, and so on.

After all three Dommes have rolled the subs will retrieve the balls and the cycle will begin again.

If a sub fails to get into position quickly enough to form a wicket, they are eliminated. If a sub hits the ball with his foot/leg, they are eliminated. Last sub standing wins.

Slave Competition Game Idea #3 - Fill the cup

2011-12-13T16:33:00.000-06:00

I think something along these lines has already been mentioned briefly in comments on the Roadblock post... but here goes.

Needs:
A bucket of water.
A cup/glass with a "fill line" marked on it. A graduated measuring cup might work the best.
A spoon of some sorts (teaspoon, table spoon, etc., the larger the spoon the faster this will be done).
Wrist restraints/handcuffs.

This could be done simultaneously or one sub at a time. The only difference would be if done simultaneously you can determine the winner by whoever finishes first and one at a time will require a time-keeping device.

Place the bucket of water and empty cup on the floor, 6' apart.
Restrain the sub's hands behind his back and put the spoon in his hand.
The sub must take water from the bucket using the spoon and transfer it one spoon full at a time in order to fill the cup to its fill line.

First one to fill the cup and deliver it to his Mistress wins.

Alternate options:
-For added difficulty the handle of the spoon could be placed in the sub's mouth (instead of using his hands) but I have a feeling this would make this take much longer, although this might be the preferred method if you wanted to see the subs inching around the floor on their stomachs instead of moving around on their knees.

-Spilled water could be punished but I have a feeling trying to traverse through the spilled water is sort of a punishment in itself since it will make their skin stick to the floor.

Slave Competition Game idea #2 - 52 pick up

2011-12-13T16:24:00.000-06:00

This is another idea for Lady Grey's post Roadblocks.

I will admit this isn't the most exciting idea as there's no pain, just frustration, fear, and mental anguish.

It's fairly easy though and doesn't require a lot and might serve as a "throw in" game if there's extra time.

Needed:
-A deck of cards (fresh/new and plastic coated preferred)
-A timer/stop watch
-A hard floor (preferably somewhat slick)
-Some sort of mitten, ideally some bondage fist mitts such as these:

Instead of fist mitts, some layered gloves and mittens would work. E.g. a pair of those stretchy winter gloves under a pair of chunky double-knit wool mittens will probably be enough to dampen dexterity and coordination.

Game:
Each Domme will write in order from 1 to 4 what suit she would compare herself to from strongest to weakest (e.g. if she is warm and affectionate, hearts will probably be her #1, if she likes to beat the shit out of her sub, clubs might be her #1, if she loves jewelry diamonds might be #1, gardening, spades, etc.).

Shuffle the cards so that they're good and mixed (it doesn't matter if they're all facing the same way).

Spray the cards all over the floor (the less overlap, the more difficult it will be to do this).

Have the sub retrieve the cards and place them neatly in order by card value(the Queens should go on top) and suit, with their guess for her #1 suit on the top of the deck. When they are done they will present the completed deck to his Mistress.

If they guess her #1 incorrectly, add 1 minute to their time for each number they missed by (e.g. if their #1 guess was her #3, add two minutes).

If any of the cards are turned in with values out of order or facing the wrong direction, DQ them failing to accomplish the task.

The sub that completed the task with the lowest time (after penalties are applied) wins.

*Note: This will actually be very difficult so a maximum time limit may want to be enacted.

Humiliation Boutique - First Sexy Santa (caption drawing)

2011-12-12T18:04:00.002-06:00

Slave Competition Game

2011-12-12T10:02:00.000-06:00

In Lady Grey's post, Roadblocks, she is going to be having a slave competition between her sub and some others.

In attempting to come up with some ideas under the parameters (it should be winnable and not cause any significant harm to a sub) here is one idea that I came up with.

Obstacle Course Race:

-Subs should have their hands locked behind their back.
-Subs should have an 18 or 24" spreader bar locked between their ankles.
-A modified ball parachute with a round tray mounted underneath it.
-A round object such as a ball or a hard boiled egg placed on the tray. The less perfectly round the object is, the easier it will be to keep it balanced.

Optional:
-Difficulty could be increased by adding a butt plug.

Subs must maneuver a simple obstacle course while being timed without dropping the ball off the tray.

If the ball falls off the tray they must retrieve the ball and bring it back to the starting line where a Domme will deliver a hard swat to each butt cheek and return the ball to the tray while the timer continues to run. If the ball rolls somewhere that the sub cannot retrieve it they will be disqualified and punished (the idea of a Domme having to retrieve the ball for them just seems wrong).

The sub with the lowest time to complete the course wins.

Here are some shitty sketches I made in 3 minutes before I have to leave for work:

Ugh...

2011-12-11T23:18:00.000-06:00

Part of why I've been blogging and drawing so much is that I struggle from depression.

When it starts "tingling" I go out of my way to fight it off, usually in the form of setting goals or tasks for myself to complete and then going at them full-on. I can feel my resolve starting to falter a bit.

Part of it is due to the weather... I live in an area where it's going to be cold as hell and covered in snow for the next 3+ months so even things like going to the store that's 3 miles away can seem like a chore. This in turn leads to some shut-in status and weight gain which doesn't do much for self-esteem.

While those are factors, the primary thing is that the holidays have a lot of terrible memories for me. The kind of deep-rooted shit that has carved some big emotional scars that have kept me struggling my whole life. Last year I vanished from the internet for a few months working to get myself back on track and I'm hoping to avoid that this year.

So... if you read this blog (and hopefully enjoy it)... your comments and requests help give me a goal to work towards and keep my head above water. If there's anything you like, don't like, want to see more of, want me to talk about, want me to draw, etc. please let me know. Comments, email, even just saying "hey" on my chat box... those all keep me going.

Sorry if this makes me seem like a whiny-ass bitch, I can just spot the signs of my depression kicking in early on while I still have the power to beat it.

Humiliation Boutique - December's sales Meeting

2011-12-11T16:29:00.000-06:00

This sets the premise for my next set of Humiliation Boutique drawings.

Humiliation Boutique - Job Interview

2011-12-10T21:24:00.000-06:00

This one isn't one of my finer works... but it sort of continues along with the previous one.

Seated Striking with a short tool

2011-12-10T13:06:00.000-06:00

This is the basic mechanics of an over the knee spanking.

Based upon what tool you intend to hit with and how much physical damage you wish to inflict, it may change the way you sit, your grip, and where you should place the target (e.g. the sub's ass).

For a heavier-weight tool such as a wooden paddle or large hair brush, you will probably use a standard grip in most situations. For deeper bruising you are best off using a legs forward position.

For a lighter-weight tool such as a ruler, slapper, wooden spoon, slipper, or strap, you can use an overhand grip if you want to deliver quick, repeated blows with a satisfying smack on impact. You can use a standard grip if you want to hit deep and cause bruising. Use legs back for the quick stinging blow and legs forward for a deeper penetrating blow.

*A quick note: focusing on pulling the bottom of the handle will make the striking surface of the tool move faster than if you try to move the striking surface.

As you can see the mechanics are similar for both strikes with a couple of small differences. With a stinging blow the focus should be on quickness instead of power (the power is generated by physics rather than muscle strength) and you stop upon impact rather than continuing to "pull through" the hit.

One other difference of note is that you may have better luck shifting the target position depending upon what style of hit you are attempting.

For penetrating blows the target should be placed (on your lap) along the right side of your body (assuming you are right handed, switch to the left side for lefties).

For stinging blows performed with the overhand grip (and sometimes penetrating blows with the overhand grip), you may find you can hit harder if the target is placed (on your lap) at the center of your body.

One way to practice these techniques is to take something like a wooden spoon and try to perform the motions while standing. You are better off staying as relaxed as possible until you near the hit point. You can adjust things as necessary. Your goal with the spoon is to make the "swish" of the air be as high pitched as possible, since that means the head of the spoon is moving faster. If it makes something like a whistling sound, you are generating tremendous speed.

Biomechanics - Hitting with Power

2011-12-10T12:30:00.000-06:00

There are two factors that determine hitting with power. The first is velocity (the speed the striking surface reaches before impact). The second is force (how much power is delivered upon impact).

Physics basics 1:
Speed = Velocity = change in distance / change in time.
Acceleration = change in velocity / change in time.
Force = mass x acceleration.

What this means for punishment tools:
A heavier tool can deliver more potential force if it can reach the same or greater speed than a lighter tool. However, generating equal or greater speed with a heavier tool is generally only possible with downward strikes.

With a horizontal or upward motion there will be a limit to how heavy a tool can be before you start to lose a significant amount of speed and control.

To the best of my knowledge there isn’t a lot of standard terminology used to describe methods for corporal punishment so I am creating my own.

Grip and wrist orientation:

Overhand Grip – This is the type of grip orientation you would use to hit a tennis racket or slap someone (backhand or forehand). With this type of grip the wrist moves parallel to the striking surface and is the final determining factor in power. This grip’s strength is dominated by the thumb and index finger.

Standard Grip – This is the type of grip orientation you would use to split firewood with an axe, pounding a hammer, or delivering a karate chop. While the wrist has some motion, this grip derives most of its power from the elbow. This grip’s strength utilizes all of the fingers in the hand.

What this means for punishment tools:
The overhand grip is better suited for shorter tools (under ~12” in length for rigid tools and under ~36” for whips/floggers) and will work for both rigid and flexible items. The thicker the handle gets, the less force this grip can deliver.

The standard grip is better suited for longer tools as well as heavier tools. It is very strong with long rigid items or longer whips with a bit of girth/weight to them. This grip orientation loses less power with increased handle thickness.

Two types of strikes:
-A Stinging blow. This is the boxing equivalent to a jab. Quick and compact, it will smack hard on the surface with a lot of sting upon impact. This is best suited for lighter weight tools that will reach a high velocity and the focus force is delivered to the point of impact. A quick slap with a crop or leather paddle that reddens the ass comes to mind here.

-A Penetrating blow. This is the boxing equivalent to a right cross (think knockout blow). Deep and painful, it will drive hard into the point of impact with the intent to bruise and/or split the skin. This can be performed with any type of item but the heavier the item, the deeper it will hurt as it delivers force beyond the point of impact and into the underlying tissue.

Most tools will use an overhand grip to perform a stinging blow and a standard grip to deliver a penetrating blow.

Biomechanics - The Physics of Corporal Punishment

2011-12-09T08:46:00.000-06:00

This is mainly for the Dommes that read here, but I was curious about something. I have a background in sports instruction/biomechanics and could diagram some of the techniques and physics for things like:
-How to deliver the hardest slap with a paddle/slapper/hairbrush with the least amount of effort.
-How to achieve the greatest velocity (or greatest destructive force) with a crop or cane.
-How to vary the motion in order to create a quick, biting sting vs. a deep, penetrating bruise.

Would there be any interest in this?

I know it might seem kind of wrong in some ways, learning flogging techniques from a male sub, but I figured since I have the knowledge I may as well offer to pass it on. It's so odd that the methods for hurting someone are the same methods used for hitting a ball, etc.

Humiliation Boutique - The next steps

2011-12-09T01:26:00.001-06:00

I think with the next steps I'll do a mix of drawings followed by a "meeting" type drawing that sets up the next sets of themed drawings. I'm not really sure though, but that's what I'm thinking right now.

In all honesty I would love to turn this into a comic sort of a thing but I'm just not good enough with backgrounds to do that yet. I do have some characters in mind but I'm not all that confident that I can make them look similar in each drawing as well :P

I should add that I will probably be taking a small break from drawing on weeknights so I can catch back up on sleep. Also, feedback/comments are always welcome.

Humiliation Boutique - Tenth Salesgirl (caption drawing)

2011-12-08T17:41:00.001-06:00

This will be the last one of this series (following the sales meeting drawings that kicked this off). If I do more they will be of a (similar yet) different theme. (I suppose it would have been nice if I had posted this the first time).

Humiliation Boutique - Ninth Salesgirl (caption drawing)

2011-12-08T02:21:00.006-06:00

Humiliation Boutique - Eighth Salesgirl (caption drawing)

2011-12-08T01:23:00.003-06:00

Humiliation Boutique - Seventh Salesgirl (caption drawing)

2011-12-06T03:16:00.003-06:00

Humiliation Boutique - Sixth Salesgirl (caption drawing)

2011-12-06T01:26:00.001-06:00

Humiliation Boutique - Salesgirls Four and Five (caption drawings)

2011-12-05T23:53:00.002-06:00

Humiliation Boutique - Third Salesgirl (caption drawing)

2011-12-05T17:43:00.001-06:00

Humiliation Boutique - Second Salesgirl (caption drawing)

2011-12-05T03:24:00.002-06:00

Humiliation Boutique - First Salesgirl (caption drawing)

2011-12-05T00:57:00.001-06:00

I was going to wait until I had a few done but I ran out of steam tonight and only finished one of them so far.

This is supposed to be a follow the drawing on the previous post named "meeting-jpg"

A random observation

2011-12-04T03:59:00.002-06:00

Based on a few of the Domme blogs I follow it's refreshing to know that the tendency to grow increasingly dominant over time seems to be just as noticeable as my own tendencies to grow increasingly submissive over time.

Go figure :)

Sissy Fantasy: Humiliation Boutique

2011-12-04T03:44:00.003-06:00

Lately I've been toying with the idea of doing some sort of on-going series/story/comic type of a thing but each time I tend to run into obstacles preventing me from doing so. Usually it's something along the lines of being too complicated to draw, requiring significant background art, etc.

After having some pretty good feedback on my shopping fantasies that I targeted at Kimberley and reading about some of what Marc is going through on From vanilla to kinky, I had a few ideas swirling around in my twisted mind.

What if there was a shop that specifically catered towards providing a playfully humiliating shopping experience for single sissies and subs with Dommes seeking to humiliate them publicly? Assuming said shop did in fact provide a relatively private safe haven for shoppers, they could probably get away with some rather enormous markups on products since they are technically selling a service that would be paid for with the items.

The scenario my mind has been wading through is of this type of shop with the clientele being primarily single sissies with a few Dommes with sissies in tow. The sales staff would be trained to tease, humiliate, and arouse the shoppers knowing full well that an aroused male has difficulty saying no.

This type of fantasy tends to turn me on in many ways. A specific scenario, a catch-phrase here and there, etc. are the staples of fantasy, but for some reason I get way more "into it" when trying to develop the "back end" of the business model. This is probably because I know some of it would be very effective and the thought of men (myself included) being taken advantage of always tends to get my head spinning.

Some examples:
What type of earnings potential and benefits would need to be present for a woman (dominant or not) to be willing to do this job? Assuming there would be a constant stream of customers what type of mark-up would be needed to make this happen? What kind of discount could be given to women shoppers yet still keep profitability intact?

Male workers could easily be lured in to provide free volunteer help. What kind of basic carrot (beyond the D/s environment) would be necessary to keep them coming back? How badly should their rights be abused in order to weed out the wannabes from the dedicated workers?

How would business decisions be made? What type of "market research" would be done? What would the store rules and policies be?

I know this is probably better reserved for fetish fiction but there's plenty of these scenarios I've wanted to draw. I may go further into this but I was curious if anyone had feedback first. I have done a couple of drawings (one of which is a "lazy artist" type with minor changes to an existing drawing) covering some behind the scenes stuff and if I keep going it will likely be a mix of interactive shopping experiences as well as following specific workers across a given day. I guess I'm also curious if people would be okay with single character drawings with a caption or if they need to have both characters present? It seems that some of the better pictures I use for models are better suited for the single-character type... which leads to the question if people prefer the situation or the women in my drawings. Feel free to chime in.

Women's orientation:

male orientation:

A sales staff meeting:

New Drawing

2011-12-04T02:01:00.000-06:00

I was originally going somewhere with this but it didn't work right for what I was trying to do...

so I figured I would just post it as is.

Turning her Lesbian

2011-11-29T02:32:00.001-06:00

I know I just made a post about the dangers of unrealistic fantasizing, but if you've read my blog for a long time you have probably seen that I do enjoy analyzing and trying to get to the root of particular fantasies and how/why they get to us.

I probably seem like a broken record with this... but this is further exploring the Lesbian Fantasy.... which I realize I have done several times already here:
http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2010/07/lesbian-fantasy.html
http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2011/01/revisiting-lesbian-fantasy.html
http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2011/03/cuckold-and-multi-sub-scenarios.html

I know there are a number of women out there who were the last woman their ex-boyfriend dated before coming out of the closet. I'm sure they are cases (although much less documented) of men being the last man their ex-girlfriend dated before becoming a Lesbian.

I'm not one to consider being a cuckold... with another man. Maybe it's my inherent distrust of men, but the thought of Mistress having sex with another man repulses me and it's something that in all likelihood would cause me to leave the relationship. I don't mind her playing with other subs, especially those that have a fetish for doing things that I'm not a fan of (e.g. cleaning, being beaten until the skin breaks and bleeds, or having their rectum ravaged by a giant strap on).

I have thought about what kind of psychological impact there would be if Mistress were to go full-on Lesbian (and not just bi) and cite a reason along the lines of me being inadequate as a lover or her being so fed up with men because of me that she went to play for the other team. Of course, in this romanticized fantasy version I would be kept on as a submissive but replaced as a lover.

I think I kind of view this as being beyond emasculation and is probably the death of the male ego.

I think the appeal on some level is that you are kept at arm's length from what you want but can never have again. The suffering and distress of that position is one that appeals greatly to my subspace. You can keep tacking on extras that push it deeper and deeper: chastity with no hope of release, no underlying love/care to serve as protection from real damage, forced fem as a caricature of femininity, having your income confiscated so that you have no independence or freedom, etc. The other big (fantasy) kicker is, of course, that her Lesbian lover will harbor disdain towards me and be as cruel, if not more cruel than Mistress.

Could I be happy in this situation? I guess it depends upon the other factors. Happy probably isn't the right word since I would surely be unhappy, but at the same time if the situation was as perfect as a fantasy it would probably be a tough situation to ever leave even if I was unhappy.

I am well-aware that this situation is just a fantasy. If a sub was that inferior as a lover and person, she would almost certainly give him the boot as soon as she found a new lover (nor would her lover likely be okay with her keeping a male ex around). I do find it particularly arousing though.

We did attempt to role-play this scenario in the past but had trouble finding a compatible femsub.

Romanticizing Fetishes in Fantasy

2011-11-29T01:54:00.000-06:00

While I don't get a lot of people contacting me, I find a large number of the ones that do are seeking a Domme and ask me about how to find one.

There are a couple of common characteristics I have found with these subs:
1. They have little to no real life D/s experience (that they haven't paid money for).
2. They have allowed their fantasies and fetishes to become over-developed before pursuing the lifestyle.

#1 is no big deal to me, everyone has to start somewhere, but #2 is crawling with problems.

As subs, especially before we have taken the plunge into the lifestyle there's usually a fairly long transitional process as we develop into submissives. It usually follows some sort of cycle of being very turned on by a non-traditional means and fantasizing about it, feeling fucked up about it and trying to make it go away, and after several iterations of the first two, finally coming to acceptance that this is something we don't want to live without.

If this process takes too long and is too intense (often assisted by fantasy-based fetish fiction) there's a tendency to develop a romanticized view of the D/s lifestyle and what their role will be within it, complete with theatrics and their perfect fantasy Domme. I generally try to steer them towards my tips for courting a Domme but this often falls on deaf ears (or blind eyes).

All subs would love to have this fantasy life. Those of us within the lifestyle have usually developed more reasonable expectations of it or managed to learn to crave what She enjoys. In this way subs that have a fetish for domestic servitude and performing unsupervised chores have a leg up on the competition (a whip-cracking task-Mistress standing over you while you clean the toilet isn't a reasonable expectation). Subs that have a thing for suffering on any level (mental, physical, emotional, sexual) are also pretty well-suited for the lifestyle although it can be difficult to find a demanding/cruel enough Domme to be a good fit.

Overall, there's a word for subs that have to have things the way they are in their fantasies: single. If it doesn't do anything for her, she probably won't do it. If you are out seeking a D/s relationship the best advice I can give is to try to keep your fantasies in check and make an effort to steer them towards things that make sense for her:

She will probably enjoy hurting you physically (without causing permanent damage).
She will probably want you to worship her body.
She will probably want you to perform domestic tasks.
She will probably want to do some tease & denial but she will probably expect your penis to perform for intercourse as well.

Assuming you are seeking a loving relationship, the above characteristics are probably a fairly safe assumption to make. For most things beyond that (chastity, feminization, pegging, torture, branding, etc.) it really becomes hit or miss and that is more of a good fit/bad fit situation.

It's not sexy, but fantasizing about yourself as someone worth talking to and being with is far more beneficial to your cause than fantasizing about being a naked slave sleeping outdoors in chains in a pile of your own feces unless you end up finding a Domme that wants to have an unemployed slave that doesn't really contribute to her personal life.

I love this coat...

2011-11-29T01:24:00.000-06:00

... and I think it would look great on a Domme except I would make a couple of changes.

The number of straps/buckles is a bit over the top. I like how they taper the fit but dropping the number down to 1-3 of them would give more of an hourglass shape definition. Also, the top strap is a bit on the high side, where instead of pushing up the bust it seems to hold it down and steals from its femininity.

Overall very nice though.

Third Wheel

2011-11-19T20:13:00.002-06:00

Drawing weakness

2011-11-19T13:39:00.000-06:00

I realize just how limited my drawings are by the fact that I suck ass at drawing backgrounds. I know I should practice/learn how to draw them... but it is of relatively little interest to me, especially when they will take as long or longer than drawing the people in the drawings.

This is where I feel I've hit a wall.

My all-time goal for drawing was to be able to draw a woman sexy enough to masturbate to (sad but true). I feel like I'm reaching that point (although it's not perfect) but I'm stuck deciding if I want to develop a more complete ability or just keep working on what I enjoy doing more.

Discomfort

2011-11-19T13:29:00.000-06:00

This is my first drawing with a fur-less sissy :P

Earmuff Headphones

2011-11-18T10:11:00.001-06:00

It seems the headphone in the earmuff idea has finally worked its way towards the women's fashion style of earmuffs (and not just the unisex behind the head fleece kind).

I doubt they're the noise-blocking kind I wrote about a while ago in a post on sensory deprivation but oh well.

The previous post about this is located here.

Runaway sissy slave

2011-11-09T20:36:00.000-06:00

By popular demand...

2011-11-07T18:06:00.000-06:00

So... the past few shopping drawings have been very well-received. I had been trying to envision a few situations Kimberley has been in and how they might feel.

With that in mind, if I had to title this one it would probably be "Kimberley's Nightmare."

I did a caption but realized it was almost becoming a story by itself so I figured I would post both since the caption drawing is very cluttered.

A little sport

2011-11-03T21:08:00.002-05:00

Another one for Kimberley

2011-11-01T18:10:00.001-05:00

A drawing for Kimberley

2011-10-29T15:23:00.001-05:00

I changed to a slight recoloring on the woman in black as her flesh-tone was a bit off compared to the rest of them.

Some differences in D/s relationships

2011-10-24T22:00:00.001-05:00

Some comments on the blog From Vanilla To Kinky - Our FLR Journey led to a few lengthy responses on my part when there seemed to be a fundamental difference in points of view between the blog authors and some readers.

The text that I wrote about this and was quoted on in their most recent post is:
"In this realm of D/s you'll find two different types of relationships. The first is one rooted in BDSM protocols. In these types of relationships they are generally established on a mutual grounds of consent and the rules primarily apply during periods of play (although they often bleed over into more aspects of life). In this situation, hard limits are often seen as an absolute law that aren't to be broken without prior consent from both parties. Many of the established rules were designed to protect female submissives from maleDoms that might otherwise cause significant damage to them.

The second type is one that exists outside of these rules (you can call them what you will, Femdom, 24-7, FLR, etc.). In these types of relationships, the consent is to submit and you are at the mercy of whatever that submission may entail. Things like safe words and hard limits are more like a suggestion (than a boundary) to the Domme, one that she may consider but will ultimately have the final decision on.

I have been in both styles of relationship and they are quite different. I am guessing that you probably viewed your relaxing of a hard limit as a meaningful gift, a symbol of trust catering towards something she was wanting to try out.

In a BDSM-rooted relationship, you are correct and there are probably many Dommes that have come up through the BDSM community ranks that would find that gesture endearing.

In a 24-7 sense, it was overstepping bounds. You cannot gift what is theirs to take. Taking pride in giving such a gift is something that would probably get smacked down... hard."

I wanted to elaborate a bit on that and I figured it would be better to post that here rather than hijack their comments for me to drone on about something that is no longer related to the post.

I was re-reading the quoted text tonight and while I know I generalized (there's way more flavors of relationships than just those two, but those two illustrated what needed to be conveyed), I feel I can strip it down another level.

The first type of relationship can probably be better described as:
A D/s relationship based upon mutual consent towards mutual pleasure. Both parties agree to the terms of the relationship and both parties seek to create pleasure for each other.

The second type of relationship can probably be summarized as:
A D/s relationship based primarily upon her pleasure. The sub's pleasure is either coincidental (kink overlap), incidental (situational fetish), or granted by the Domme (usually out of love/consideration) but it should not be expected nor be a focal point.

The second type might seem rather harsh, but it seems to be special types of relationships that make it there. Some are relationships that evolve to that over a long period of time where the Domme gradually becomes more dominant and the sub gradually becomes more submissive. Others often involve VERY dominant women that have a great deal of experience within the lifestyle. Their subs know what they are in for and can usually only hack it if they have a deep submissive nature and a lot of kink overlap.

Drawing - Domme ensemble

2011-10-17T06:40:00.000-05:00

I really like this ensemble.

A drawing for Kimmy

2011-10-17T02:02:00.000-05:00

I had a caption in mind but this falls more into the portrait category. It would have read something along the lines of "I got a matching one for you, too."

Push & Pull: The Mind-Fuck and Conflicting Emotions

2011-10-16T04:09:00.001-05:00

This is another post related to some things I wrote recently on Marc and Cleo's blog.

I've recently had a few chats with a sub that has very similar fetishes to mine: being force feminized and humiliated with a lot of fur involved. In our chats he mentioned something that really hit home with me and that is the idea of conflicting emotions.

I've felt conflicting emotions many many times but I've never described it so simply. It's such a simple description but I understood exactly what he meant and it took so very few words.

This is really the core of the mind-fuck: to put a sub in a position of intense conflicting emotions of both extreme arousal and extreme emotional discomfort.

Very few Dommes really do this well, probably because it really requires a wicked cruel streak to get off on watching your sub having a huge erection while crying tears of shame. If it doesn't get her off, she has no reason to do it (well), and I just don't know that many Dommes that really enjoy it.

As a sub, I guess I'm a bit twisted. It tends to be the emotional conflict that turns me on and deepens my subspace more than the activity itself. Without the humiliation, forced feminization is meaningless to me. I have no desire to be a woman, dress as a woman, or be able to pass as a woman. I do desire to be forced to half-assedly dress in some women's garments and be mocked for how stupid I look. I would be terrified if any "outsider" saw me, but being seen and laughed at by a (female) "outsider" turns me on.

I guess this shows how far I have come to terms with myself as a submissive. I'm no longer embarrassed to state that I am a submissive and enjoy kinky activities (almost all of our vanilla friends and my parents are aware of this). There was a time when the threat of having this exposed was mortifying. As I have come to accept my submissive nature as a part of me, the fear is gone. On its basic level the idea of being exposed as someone who enjoys bondage or body worship can no longer be used as a mind-fuck without a lot of creativity.

As I constantly write about, I'm not comfortable with nor readily accepted myself as a sissy. I doubt I ever will. This will probably leave me open to mind-fucks on this subject for the rest of my life. Part of me is at peace with that because I hate to think what the next step would be if I needed something even more intense to get me off.

As to what inspired the subject matter of this post...
The sub I was chatting with gets mind-fucked a LOT. He referenced being forced to try this on at a store as the only time he was brought to tears.

To this day, one of my biggest mind-fucks was having my Mistress at the time make me try this on in a crowded department store. I was so humiliated I thought I was going to throw up and/or cry but I managed to tough it out with a bright red face, unable to speak or lift my eyes from the ground.

Constant Pressure - Chastity Experiences

2011-10-16T03:41:00.000-05:00

We've been having some great discussions over at a newer blog called From Vanilla To Kinky - Our FLR Journey. One of the topics we touched on recently included chastity.

I know that I've written about that before but Marc and Cleo have been stopping by and reading so I felt it was more appropriate to elaborate on this subject here rather than clogging up their comments on a topic that was a minor part of the discussion.

As my long-time readers know, I have some limited experiences with chastity. I've never worn a CB for an extended period of time but I have worn them from time to time and we own three of them. Chastity is a subject that brings up many mixed emotions in me and it's complicated to the point where I barely understand it (but I will try to in this post). I am not really a chastity enthusiast but there are some special things it is capable of doing.

One of my ex's (after we were no longer together but we remained on decent terms) developed a super hardline approach to chastity. "All male subs should be kept in chastity all the time. They just can't stay out of trouble without them," is what she said to me during one of our chats. When I asked if they should be allowed out at all, and if so, how often, she responded, saying once or twice a year is more than enough.

My first reaction was "oh wow?!" both at the fact that she said that and even more so that I had an erection. Would I want that? No. Could I handle that? Probably not well. So what was it about it that got me going? The thought of being with a woman that would be so strict and cruel that she would enforce that upon me, half under the guise of keeping me well behaved yet mainly rooted in the idea that she would love watching me suffer in a chastity belt.

After thinking about it for some time, I realized I actually agree with her reasons. Chastity belts can have such a powerful effect and they hit home in many different ways.
-As a preventative measure from touching without permission.
-As a deterrent for misbehavior: behave or you'll stay locked up another week/month/year.
-As a symbol of ownership: she who has the keys owns what's inside.

-An increase in submissive awareness: every time you even attempt an erection you'll remember.
-An easy target for a mind-fuck: to him, release might be the most important thing in the world but for her, it probably doesn't even matter so she can mess with it all she wants.
-A perpetuating submissive loop: it turns him on that she controls him, but he can't get it up which reminds him that she controls him, this turns him on, etc.

I'm sure I could rattle off at least 20 other things but it's probably obvious what I'm alluding to. Basically, there's lots of benefits from enforcing chastity.

There are subs out there that are completely capable of exerting enough self-control to not "cheat" by playing with themselves. However, this situation usually involves constant D/s interactions keeping him in subspace so that he won't drift into fantasy and rub one out. If your day to day lives have factors preventing such interactions from happening regularly, he will probably slip up at least once in a while. For many Dommes, once is still too many.

Even under circumstances where he is completely obedient in this regards, a chastity device is a big slap in the face. "I know you're obedient but I'm going to lock you up anyways."

A few quick notes before I proceed. I have a very tight scrotum and tender skin, both of which make budget-friendly devices (under $400) very uncomfortable for prolonged wear. I am not circumcised so removal for daily cleaning also adds to the inconvenience. My current Mistress is not a chastity enthusiast so we have never desired to budget for a more expensive belt that would fit me well for prolonged wear.

When I have been in chastity, it's ripe with inner conflict. The idea of the CB turns me on, so my penis constantly tries to get erect, only to have the CB prevent said erection and make me horribly aware of the situation. This in turn arouses me that I'm being forced to wear a CB and I try to get hard... loop loop.

It's a hard feeling to describe but it puts sexual frustration off the charts. One time when wearing one Mistress put a fur scrunchie on over the belt and behind the balls. Every time I moved got the fur rubbing against my scrotum and the base of my penis. It was heaven and hell.

An odd bi-product is that I have found when in a CB my nipples get extremely erect and sensitive.

Something I'm not sure of is that I think I get turned on by the idea of CB's because it's a controlled situation where I know it will be removed soon (within 12 hours). The idea of being locked up for say, 3 months, is more of a fantasy than realistic event that I would ever want to experience (stupid male syndrome), yet this still turns me on. I think I can chalk this one up to the abused slave fantasy although if I were ever able to experience a belt that didn't hurt I'm not 100% sure on where I stand. I love to orgasm but I can openly admit I'm a better sub when denied and frustrated.

Mistress locked me in chastity the first time she pegged me and I think that really increased the intensity of my feelings on the subject. The "this is for my pleasure and you'll have none" aspect of it had me into the deepest subspace I've ever experienced.

Femdom as and Economic Theory - Dommes and Monopoly vs. Oligopoly

2011-10-14T00:04:00.002-05:00

Monpoloy Power

In a perfect world, a capitalist system functions under the theory of perfect competition. The idea of perfect competition has a few underlying principles, but the basic outcome of this theoretical model is that both buyers and sellers are "price takers," and accept the prices determined by market equilibrium.

As I have described in previous posts, the D/s relationship "market" is far from ideal. If Dommes are sellers and subs are buyers, this system of imperfect competition closely resembles that of a monopoly, with Dommes holding an immense amount of market power.

A monopoly has several distinguishing characerstics:
-There is only one seller of a particular commodity.
-There are no close substitutes.
-Other parties are barred from entry into the market.

Dommes set the "price" and all subs have to concede.

As I had originally started to write this I found the last characteristic rather bothersome because there's really nothing preventing more women from becoming Dommes, so the "market" being this biased is a bit interesting.

Hypothetical: Evolving into an Oligopoly

Hypothetically speaking, if enough new Dommes appeared to shift the sub to Domme ratio from ~26:1 to something closer to say, 6:1, the behavior of the market would change a little. While the market would still favor Dommes, the Dommes themselves would more closely resemble an oligopoly.

To make things easier (and more realistic), I am working under the assumption that all subs do not grant equal utility to Dommes. Subs that are more physically attractive, financially stable/successful, most loyal/obedient/capable in their submission, etc. will yield more utility to a Domme than typical or mediocre subs.

While Dommes are still in the minority and are in control of the scarce resource, they must now consider the behavior of the other Dommes seeking subs in order to attract the subs yielding the highest utility. Basically, they can still be in the position of power but they may have to be willing to make certain compromises to maximize their utility or the Dommes with the most favorable terms (read as: the most enjoyable kinky activities for the subs) will likely end up with the "best" subs.

It is, however, unlikely that the number of Dommes will quadruple any time soon so this probably won't be too significant of a threat. I also find it rather interesting that Dommes can put themselves at a disadvantage by having more Dommes around.

Femdom as an Economic Theory - More is better: Poly-relationships, Imperfect Substitutes and Composite Utility

2011-10-09T03:07:00.000-05:00

I'm doing my best to keep the economic theory to a bearable amount but still include enough to reach an understanding of how it explains what actually happens in D/s courting. In this post I will likely candy coat the basic ideas of the theory since if I tried to go in depth it would likely bore the shit out of everyone.

At the end of my post on Perfect vs. Imperfect substitutes I touched on Dommes generally being more discerning than many subs.

Utility

Economic theory often deals with an idea known as "Utility." Basically, utility describes the amount of "goodness" someone receives from something. Perfect substitutes occur when choosing one item over another yields the same level of utility. Imperfect substitutes occur when choosing one substitute (lesser) item yields less utility than another (better) item.

Dommes are often faced with the challenge of considering or accepting subs that yield less utility than their ideal sub (read as: they aren't as happy with a good "fit" sub vs. a perfect fit sub). Their perfect sub probably doesn't exist, so substitution is a very common practice in D/s courting. The challenge then becomes finding a sub that is "good enough" and trying to shape him to something that is as close to perfect as possible.

Technically, the economic theories on utility generally work based upon a fixed income and/or describe what happens during changes in income. However, as I wrote about in my Barter System post, Femdom is a scarce and valuable resource.

Maximizing Utility through Poly-relationships

If a Domme realizes her services are an extremely valuable commodity, she can in turn increase her "buying power" tremendously. That is, rather than settle for one imperfect sub, she can take on multiple subs that together can meet every one of her desires and maximize her utility.

e.g. one sub is her emotional lover, one sub is her cleaning maid and money slave, one sub is her big cock for sex, one sub is her intense pain slut, etc.

This has its advantages as she never has to go without something she wants and there is less emotional attachment to individual subs if they ever decide/desire to leave. It also sends a strong message to subs that they are replaceable if they don't meet her performance expectations.

There is a Limit

While it might seem perfect on paper, the more subs that are present the less attention each sub will inevitably receive, reducing their utility. Also, the number of subs capable of functioning as part of a stable over the long-run (even if they say they can) is relatively small.

While this idea may have its flaws, I can see many cases where it would probably yield greater utility for a Domme than searching for one perfect sub.

Femdom as and Economic Theory - Perfect vs. Imperfect Substitues: Discerning Dommes and Idiot subs

2011-10-09T02:39:00.000-05:00

This post somewhat builds off of the last scenario I wrote about in my Barter System post and is also rooted in the Theory of supply and demand..

Substitution as an economic term refers to people consuming/purchasing one good instead of another for various reasons.
A perfect substitute is an item that is consumed that yields the same amount of "goodness" (utility) as a different item. e.g. If Pepsi goes on sale, people will increase their consumption of Pepsi and decrease their consumption of Coke. Similarly, if the price of Pepsi goes up, people will increase their consumption of Coke and decrease their consumption of Pepsi. In either case, the total amount of cola consumed will remain pretty much the same. In this example, Coke and Pepsi act as perfect substitutes.

Why some lonely and single male subs can be super annoying

In many cases, Dommes in a particular area often know each other. They often see each other at munches/play parties/gatherings or at least correspond every so often on the internet. One of the biggest headaches for Dommes in a particular area is often a couple of subs that are so starved for dominance yet oblivious to manners and etiquette that they end up being a pain in the ass to every Domme in the area.

When 22 women in one city receive an email from one person saying "u should dominat me" and includes a picture of their dick, you can be fairly sure that this person will be shit-listed by all of them.

On occasion, you'll also find a few subs that aren't as stupid but still seem to make the same general mistake: contacting all of the Dommes within a relatively short period of time.

Desperation tends to breed this behavior and this behavior indicates that a sub in this state treats Dommes like perfect substitutes. No Coke? Pepsi. No Pepsi? R/c. No R/c? Shasta... and so on. They are so starved for domination that they will take it in any way, shape, or form. No matter how you look at it, it wreaks of being pathetic. Unfortunately, this is also a product of the drastic inequality of Femdoms to malesubs, so the tendency for this to happen remains consistent with the economic theory.

Discerning Dommes

Dommes tend to approach courting in a very different way. Dommes tend to treat subs like imperfect substitutes. That is, taking on a sub who is a poor fit (usually) yields less "goodness" than a sub who is a good fit. Rather than trying every available sub she will likely key in on ones who she feels can meet her needs or is of a frame of mind that could be easily molded to meet her needs.

Oddly enough, Dommes that are overtly cruel and prefer subs that hate what they do to them will almost always search with a similar, if not greater amount of discretion. This is an odd scenario where her good fit is a poor fit for him, so it requires a sub that has the capacity to endure both mentally and physically under those circumstances.

Femdom as an Economic Theory - Adverse Selection and the Lemon Problem

2011-10-09T01:59:00.000-05:00

At the end of my Barter System post I briefly discussed some of the negative aspects of being one of a few Femdoms confronted with an over-whelming number of malesubs.

These problems are rooted in a couple of economic theories that were developed in order to describe certain types of market failures (market failures = when supply and demand fail to establish a perfect equilibrium).

Asymmetric Information, Adverse Selection and the Lemon Problem

Asymmetric information is a term that refers to a situation when one party has better or more complete information than the other. Adverse Selection is term referring to market failures due to "bad" outcomes occurring based upon asymmetric information.

The Lemon Problem describes the market for used cars and is the most common example used to describe this situation. A person selling a used car knows exactly how it has behaved over time and what problems it may have. A person buying a used car only knows what the seller tells them, which may or not be completely accurate/true.

Let's say:
1. A perfect, great running, used car should sell for $10,000.
2. An unreliable, problem prone, used car of the same year, model, and features should sell for $4,000.

The buyer doesn't know if the used car will be #1 or #2 (or somewhere in between). The actual selling price will likely be somewhere around $6,000-$7,000. This is considered a market failure since good cars sell below what they are worth and bad cars sell for more than they are worth.

The same used car may sell from a dealer for say, $9,000 since the dealer will likely have done a thorough inspection and offer some sort of warranty, but that is outside the scope of this post.

Why this makes it harder for subs

This same type of market failure happens frequently in D/s courting. The sub is like the used car and the Domme is the buyer. Good subs will sell themselves as good subs and bad subs will also sell themselves as good subs. It's (almost) impossible to tell good subs apart from bad subs without spending a significant amount of time with them.

This leads to several problems.
Many good subs will get passed over while being mistaken for bad subs in disguise.
Many bad subs posing as good subs will be chosen (and discarded), making Dommes even more skeptical towards subs in general.
It becomes next to impossible to truly sell yourself for who you are.

I know many Dommes that have developed intensive evaluation and testing periods in order to weed out the good from the bad. While I think that it is wise of them to do so, I think it's a bit of a shame that it has to be that way.

Femdom as an Economic Theory - The Barter System and Double Coincidence of wants

2011-10-09T01:21:00.000-05:00

The Barter System

The evolution of money came about as a solution to the inconvenient method of trading known as the barter system. The barter system is trading ones' own goods or services in exchange for goods or services the one is seeking. Instead of trying to trade a day's labor for a bag of salt or 20 rabbit pelts for a bushel of wheat, it was easier to work a day's labor and be paid in money to buy the salt directly or sell the rabbit pelts for money to buy the wheat.

The principle governing success of the barter system is known as double-coincidence of wants. This occurs when the trader and tradee each want what the other is offering. Unfortunately this can be a very difficult task depending upon what one is offering and what one wants.

How this applies to Femdom relationships

BDSM relationships are often described in terms of their "fit." Fit rarely describes personal compatibility but usually focuses upon commonalities in desired kink. I won't comment on whether I think this is a good priority to have, I will just accept this is how courting usually occurs (although I will note that successful relationships of any kind usually requires good personal compatibility).

Dommes and subs seeking a good "fit" closely resembles the double-coincidence of wants. In most cases, you can think of someone's kinky desires as both what they have to offer and what they desire in return.

Why Femdoms hold all the bartering power

As I wrote in my post on Supply and Demand, the numbers are stacked in favor of Femdoms. Basically, for every one woman offering wheat, there's 27 men wanting wheat who will have to meet her demands to get it.

An example
male submissive X wants:
-Domination.
-A fetish-model sexy Mistress.
-Frequent kinky sex play.
-Light bondage.
-Light physical punishment.

Femdom A wants:
-Complete devotion and submission.
-Gainful employment / financial manipulation.
-Well-educated conversation.
-Strict chastity and orgasm denial.
-Intense corporal punishment and torture.
-Cuckolding.
-Branding/tattoos/piercings.
-Full domestic service.
-Body worship.
-Frequent cunnilingus.
-Humiliation.

Is Femdom A a good 'fit' for malesub X? Hell no. Will malesub X fore go his own wants and be willing to bend to Femdom A's demands? Probably. Does that make malesub X a good fit for Femdom A? If he'll go along, why not?

This is also rather inconvenient for Femdom A. If her demands are that strict the number of malesubs truly offering it are probably scarce as well. However, since she holds the power any sub that meet her criteria and will bend to her desires pretty much works out. Her greatest inconvenience is weeding out the fakers to find those truly willing to sacrifice.

I will cover more on this in my next post.

Femdom as an Economic Theory - Supply and Demand

2011-10-09T00:53:00.000-05:00

The Basic Theory of Supply and Demand

Economic Theory is pretty much all based upon the theory of supply and demand.
The premise:
At a given price, consumers will demand X amount of a product.
To increase demand, lower the price.
To increase the price, lower the amount supplied (below what is demanded at its current price).

Scarce Resources and the BDSM Pyramid

It is generally accepted in the BDSM community that there is a pyramid-like hierarchy of orientation representations when it comes to BDSM preference. The actual numbers are sometimes debatable because it's common belief that male subs are over-represented on the internet but I also believe they are under-represented at BDSM functions. However, the order of the levels in the pyramid are never really questioned.

In my estimation (taken from both the internet and BDSM functions), the percentages are probably something like:
Female Dominant: ~2%
Male Dominant: ~13%
female submissive: ~32%
male submissive: ~53%

This means there is an approximately 2.5:1 femsub to Maledom ratio, but more than a 26:1 malesub to Femdom ratio.

The inequality leads to a special type of supply and demand interaction known as scarce resources. No matter how limited the supply, demand tends to remain the same. The end result is inflated prices and excess demand.

Basically, Femdom Nation is OPEC and male subs are the automobile driving public. No matter how "expensive" domination is, male subs will pay it, and regardless of the price, most male subs will be left out in the cold without it. Unless there's a drastic societal change, this situation won't change any time soon as there's no electric car equivalent to femdom.

Conclusion

Since the number of male subs so drastically out populate the number of Femdoms, Female Dominants have every advantage in both courting situations and D/s relationships.