Author’s Note: This is a bonus chapter that accompanies Part 59. It takes place several years in the past as fs’s first visit to Cassandra’s home.
Bonus Chapter 59.2: First Times
I stand on the doorstep and ring the doorbell. My mind is full of fear and anticipation. Knowing I have passed her early tests gives me little confidence. I can only do my best and be me… but being me has never been successful before.
I followed her instructions to the T, arriving early and presenting myself but not ringing until an acceptable time. I watch each breath form a swirling cloud as I exhale into the cold night air. As I shiver I’m careful not to crush the flower or pastries I have brought as a gift but I firmly regret not wearing a warmer coat, gloves,
After the first ten minutes or so it became clear to me that I am being tested. A measure of how badly I want this. I busy myself by picturing how many others attempted this before me and how far they must have gotten before they failed to win her favor. The faint sound of music continues to bleed through the door.
The skin on my lips and fingers begins to burn each time the wind blows. I do my best to quell the temptation to peer in the windows. I cannot imagine she would appreciate that much. I flex my toes within my shoes. They are cold as well.
As I remain standing on her doorstep a bit of excitement rushes through me… butterflies… nerves… it brings back memories of previous first dates and how uncomfortable they make me feel. I am not good at this sort of thing and confidence eludes me.
Finally, I hear the bolt turn in the door and I straighten up, attempting to look as respectable as possible. A quick glance at my watch shows 6:20. I have been standing here for a long time now. As the door remains closed I can only imagine what her previous experiences have been like in order for her to test me in this way. I repeat my inner mantra to myself: stay calm, be respectful, keep it in my pants.
I want to laugh at myself. Calm… apparently my inner-self is a comedian. The knob on the door turns and opens slightly. I nearly jump out of my shoes. A gloved hand extends through the crack. Instantly I kneel down on the cold concrete and plant a gentle kiss upon it. The hand retracts and the door opens in its entirety. I remain on my knees and present my gifts to her, the light from the chandelier shadows her appearance and forces my eyes to adjust.
“You may enter.”
I rise from my knees and quickly enter through the door. I shed my shoes and deposit them neatly on the mat. My heart flutters as the vision of her beauty overwhelms me. She wears the same full length fur coat as in the photos on her profile along with a large fur hat. Locks of hair dance their way down along the sides of her face. The coat parts slightly as she extends her leg, exposing a knee high leather boot.
“Kneel and kiss my feet.”
I drop to my knees, lower my head, and gently kiss her feet. First the right foot, then the left. My body trembles and I remain bowed until she speaks to me.
“Are you cold?”
“Address me as Mistress.”
“Yes, Mistress. Please forgive me.”
I hear the door close and lock behind me.
“Remove your clothes.”
I quickly and carefully remove my jacket, shirt, and pants. My socks follow. I fold each of them neatly and place them on the floor near the door. I hesitate for a second before I slide my boxers down and place them on the pile. I turn and face her, my hands covering my genitals.
“Modesty… cute. Place your hands behind your head.”
I swallow as my heart pounds a mile per minute and I raise my hands and place them behind my head, locking my fingers together.
She approaches me slowly and begins to trace her finger over my body. The scent of her perfume fills my nose. I feel my sex quiver as it rises into an erection.
“You’re a bit doughy. Shorter than I had hoped. Do you exercise regularly?”
“Are your eating habits healthy?”
“They aren’t terrible, but not always the healthiest, Mistress.”
“Starting tomorrow, join a gym and begin watching your diet. I want you to lose ten...”
I feel her fingers pinching at some of my flesh. I react with a blush.
“Make that 15 pounds. If you wish to remain in contention you’ll take this seriously.”
It’s not long before I’m shivering. The adrenaline fades a bit and I realize that the inside of her home is much colder than I am accustomed to. I stay in position as she walks over to a table and retrieves some items.
She moves behind me. I feel her coat brush against my naked skin. I close my eyes as the goose bumps crawl up my skin. I feel the cool touch of leather around my neck. The rattle of buckles as it cinches snugly. The click of the lock. The smell of her perfume hypnotizes me as she circles in front of me.
“Present your wrists.”
I hold out my hands as she buckles the cuffs around each of them, securing each of them with a small lock.
I stand for a moment as her gaze falls towards my feet. I’m an idiot if I expect her to bend down uncomfortably. I quickly shift to my back and raise my feet up to her. A smirk forms on her lips as she secures the cuffs with the locks. The tile is freezing cold on my naked back. I stifle any reaction. She motions with her hand and I return to my feet.
“Are you scared?”
“Smart boy. Let’s get this started.”
She leads me to a door leading to the basement. I follow her. The lights remain dim but the first area gives the sense of a laundry room. At the far end sits a heavy metal door. She stops in front of it.
“This is the point of no return. If you doubt your resolve, I suggest you turn back here. Choose wisely.”
I feel my heart battering like a ram against the inside of my chest. My breathing heaves as every hair on my cold skin stands on end.
“I do not doubt my resolve, Mistress.”
She unbolts the door and it opens with a slow creak. As we pass through a short hallway we enter a room with stone walls and a stone floor. Various rings and shackles hang from the walls and ceiling. A cage sits in the corner. A vast collection of whips, floggers, paddles, and the like hang on the near wall. In the center of the room sits a large wooden bondage chair. Across from it sits a high-backed velvet throne.
“Take a seat.”
I make my way to the bondage chair and sit down on the cold wood. The dungeon is even colder than the rest of the house. I find myself shaking as I position myself. She approaches me and begins locking my restraints and collar to rings on the chair. To complete the process a wide leather strap goes over my forehead and holds my head in place, facing the throne.
She runs the back of her hand across my cheek, her sleeve trailing dragging the touch of fur across my neck and chest. I inhale a strong dose of her perfume through my nose. I feel my sex twitch and stand up even in this cold. She smirks as she notices before withdrawing her hand and taking her seat on the throne opposite of me.
“I have to say I’m a little impressed. I wasn’t always this direct but most would have run as soon as they saw the chair. I’d rather not waste any time with pretenders. I’m going to ask you a series of questions. I expect you to answer them completely and with full disclosure. Half-truths will be treated as lies. I have years of experience as a kink-therapist and I will be able to tell if you are holding back or failing to tell the truth. If I deem your response unacceptable you will be dismissed immediately. Do you understand?”
Reality sets in fully. I could not leave even if I wanted. If I screamed, no one would hear me. I just came in to a stranger’s home and went directly along with every cautionary tale from every Femdom horror story you can imagine.
“Why do you think I keep it this cold?”
“I’m not sure, Mistress. If I had to guess it is for a psychological advantage… and to wear fur?”
She smiles in my direction.
“Correct. I’m perfectly warm and comfortable while you suffer. I believe you’ll be more honest this way.”
She uncrosses and recrosses her legs.
“I hate your name so I will refer to you as ‘f,’ do you have any objections to this?”
“No, Mistress. I hate my name as well.”
Her smile widens.
“Why did you write to me? I’m obviously a little bit ‘out of your league,’ what gave you the confidence that you would have a chance?”
“At first I was entranced by your beauty, Mistress. As I read your profile, you words spoke to me on such a deep level. I read through hundreds of profiles and none of them reached me in the same way even though I had hoped they would. I didn’t actually think that I had a chance with you… and it took me weeks to work up the courage to write to you. If I had courage, it was mostly because I knew that if I didn’t write to you I would regret it for the rest of my life. I was prepared for you to reject me outright and actually had guessed that when I didn’t receive a response for several weeks.”
“Do you think you could make me happy?”
“Mistress… I would do whatever I could to become whatever you asked of me. To become something that made you happy… to be what you desired.”
Her expression goes blank. I cringe, feeling like I’ve made a grievous error.
“Tell me about your previous relationships, Femdom or other.”
“I have not been in a relationship that is worth mentioning, Mistress. Nothing has lasted longer than two weeks. You are the first Domme that I have ever contacted.”
“Are you a virgin?”
“How far have you gone sexually?”
“I have kissed two women, Mistress. I have never gone farther than that while in a relationship. I did once bring a girl to orgasm with my fingers but we were not lovers.”
My face blushes a bit with shame. Her expression grows sly.
“Have a lot of women used you?”
“Did you offer yourself willingly to be used, hoping they would love you?”
“Yes, Mistress, although I am ashamed to admit it.”
“Did they discard you when they found someone new?”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Mistress… it made me feel like a loser… made me hate myself… made me want to fade away.”
“Did you fall in love with them?”
“Yes, Mistress. They were dear to me.”
“I’m not sure, Mistress. If I had to put it into words it would probably be that they gave me hope.”
“Hope for what?”
“Hope that I am someone that could be loved, Mistress.”
“Tell me about the most important one.”
“She was a girl that I grew up being friends with, Mistress. She moved but transferred back when we were in high school. She did things to me.”
“What kind of things?”
I pause and take a deep breath. My face begins to heat up.
“She would bully me and tie me up, Mistress.”
“Why did you put up with that?”
“I missed her… and cared for her. I haven’t been close to many people… I hoped that would come back, Mistress.”
“Was that your first experience with Femdom?”
“Did you like it?”
“Mostly no, Mistress, but parts of it yes. When she would tie me up… I felt safe… like she wanted to keep me.”
I feel my eyes growing misty. It blurs my view of her face.
“Describe your home life while growing up.”
“Abusive… alone… ashamed. I feel like neither of my parents approved of me, Mistress.”
“My father wanted a star athlete, Mistress. My mother wanted a daughter. I was neither. After they divorced my mother found another man and left me alone. I don’t know anything about my father except that he moved away.”
“If a woman were to love you and accept you, what would you do?”
I feel my spirit perk up with this question.
“I would lover her with my all and do whatever it takes to make her happy, Mistress.”
She arches her eyebrow at me.
“Spoken with such conviction. What if you could not make her happy?”
“I would keep trying, Mistress. I would keep changing, keep improving myself until I could.”
“And if that didn’t work?”
“If I couldn’t make her happy… it would hurt me but I would hope that she would find someone who could, Mistress.”
“You would willingly allow yourself to be cast aside?”
“Yes, Mistress. If I can’t make her happy then I truly am not worthy.”
She leans back in her throne and folds her hands on her lap. My stomach lets out a growl.
“Are you hungry?”
“Yes, Mistress. I did not eat dinner as you instructed.”
“Good. Do you feel that was an unfair request?”
“No, Mistress. I do not believe anything you could ask of me would be unfair. I feel so very lucky just to be here in your presence.”
“You have me intrigued, f. You aren’t like the others I have tested. I can’t say whether this is a good or bad thing just yet, but you are different.”
I feel a small bit of peace with these words. As she sits silent in thought, I again become aware of the cold and I try in vain to rub my thighs together and elbows against my sides.
“Why fur? Why do you seek to be Severin to my Wanda?”
I take a deep breath.
“Fur is so regal and majestic, Mistress. It feels so nice, pleasing, tactile, and warm. It is beautiful wrapped around a woman and a woman who enjoys herself is beautiful.”
“Did you practice that answer, f?”
If I could hang my head in shame, I would. My cheeks blush red.
“Yes, Mistress. I thought you might ask me that.”
“What was your class rank in high school?”
“I was valedictorian, Mistress.”
“Why do you work at such a dead end job?”
“When I graduated college I needed money badly and I just took the first job I found. The years since then have been unhappy and kept me from aspiring for more, Mistress.”
“Name some of your hobbies.”
“I have quite a few, Mistress. Film, literature, music. I am a musician. I dabble in computers and video games, follow sports. I write some poetry.”
“So part artist, part typical male?”
“If I ordered you to give them up, would you?”
“In a heartbeat, Mistress.”
“In a heartbeat, Mistress.”
“Why? Aren’t they important to you?”
“I am proud that I have plenty of experiences to share with others, Mistress. Recommending films, music, books and the like that others might find special… but all of it has been ‘filler.’ A way to kill time when nothing has any meaning. If I found a woman I loved I would hope that she draws from me what she likes and purges from me what she doesn’t approve of.”
“So you are an interesting doormat?”
“I don’t know if I would describe myself as that, Mistress.”
“How would your description differ?”
“I only compromise and change for the one I love. No one else matters, Mistress.”
She sits back again. I breathe slowly. Her questions were different from what I had originally anticipated. I am not sure what sort of impression I am making but my fear tells me that it isn’t a good one.
She rises from her chair and positions a lamp near the bondage chair. She turns it on and adjusts the light so that my lap is fully illuminated before returning to her seat.
“I will tell you this right now. If I choose you, while we may at some point have sexual intercourse, you will never be permitted to cum inside of me. How does that make you feel?”
“I do not have an opinion, Mistress. I suppose if I had more sexual experience I might be disappointed. As of now I would simply accept your decision.”
“I am going to list off some things. I want you to respond to them honestly. Yes means you are willing. No means you are not willing. I’m not sure means you are uncertain but open to discussion. Be realistic. Do you understand?”
“For you to continue under my consideration you must cease all masturbation and touching yourself in a sexual manner. I will control if and when this happens. Is this acceptable?”
“Heavy bondage, with chains, locks, and cages.”
I feel my penis grow erect.
It continues to enlarge itself.
“Speech restrictions and protocols.”
“Are you a masochist?”
“Corporal punishment and spanking.”
I feel it sag a little.
“Using spanking as a punishment and corrective measure.”
“Spanking you for no reason, simply because I feel like it.”
It twitches again.
“Nipple clamps and clothes pins.”
“I’m not sure, Mistress.”
The thought of my cock and balls being flogged creeps through my mind. I feel myself go flaccid.
“Rubbing and worshipping my feet.”
“Giving a massage.”
The blood begins to flow again.
“Not sure, but probably yes, Mistress.”
“Not sure, Mistress.”
“Involving another woman.”
“Involving another man.”
“Not sure, but probably not, Mistress.”
“Serving multiple women at the same time.”
I can see her face focusing intently on the reactions of my cock.
“Not sure, Mistress. It would depend.”
A curious feeling creeps into my mind as my cock stands straight up.
“Not sure, Mistress.”
“Not sure, Mistress.”
“Are you a sissy?”
“Not sure, Mistress.”
“Do you wish to wear fur?”
“Not sure, Mistress.”
“I don’t feel worthy and it is feminine, Mistress.”
“Being loaned to another Domme.”
“Not sure, Mistress.”
My repeated string of uncertain answers starts to weigh on me. She continues down a long list, taking notes as she goes. Evaluating the reaction of my penis. I feel completely exposed.
“I bet you would like to know my list?”
She laughs as if I could ever expect her to reveal such secrets to me. As the extensive list comes to an end she rises, turns off the lamp and returns to her seat. I can sense that the questions will change from here on out.
“Do you like cleaning?”
Her expression shifts.
“How could I count on you then if I expected you to clean?”
“I would always do my best for the one I am devoted to. I could not bear the thought of the Mistress cleaning. I would always want to make her proud.”
A smile returns.
“Can you cook?”
“Yes, Mistress. Modestly.”
“Are you willing to practice and learn to improve?”
“Do you enjoy yard work?”
“No, Mistress, but I see it in the same light as cleaning.”
She shifts her expression and changes the wording of her questions.
“Would you willingly do whatever I asked you to do in regards to housework, yard work, cleaning, laundry, cooking, and the like?”
“Would you accept punishments and corrective measures to ensure that you were able to perform those duties up to my standards and expectations?”
“The position of my submissive is full time. Are you prepared to give up all of your free time and abandon all of your social connections to take on this role?”
“Yes, Mistress. I have no meaningful social connections at this time and you know how I feel about my hobbies.”
“Think carefully about this one before you answer. Are you willing to serve me in the long run even if I do not love you?”
I feel my chest tighten and twist. I probe for more information.
“Would there be the potential that you might be able to love me at some point, Mistress?”
“It wouldn’t be impossible. I am not opposed to the idea but it may be unlikely.”
“Is it okay if I love you, Mistress?”
She leans forward in her chair.
“What would I have done to deserve such love?”
I blush a little, feeling like I have revealed too much.
“To me you are my Goddess of hope and you have given me a chance, Mistress. If I meet your standards for consideration is it okay if I love you for giving me hope and a chance?”
She sits back again and folds her hands.
“That would be acceptable. Now answer that original question.”
“I would willingly serve you, Mistress as long as I am allowed to love you and the potential exists that you may love me. I am no stranger from feeling like I have to earn love and I am no stranger to being unloved. Hope is the greatest gift that someone could give me.”
Her brow furrows. I have no idea how to interpret this.
“Do you already love me?”
I close my eyes and my face turns red.
“I have suppressed those feelings, Mistress. I hope you do not think that this makes me seem desperate or pathetic… but deep in my heart the answer is yes.”
“If you expressed that love with words, what would you say right now?”
I feel my chest ache in discomfort. I keep my eyes closed.
“Mistress, if I had to put my feelings into words… I am completely overwhelmed at your preparedness, thoroughness, thoughtfulness, and the meticulous nature you have put on display here. I am in awe of your strength. You truly are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life, but that beauty is both external and what you hold inside of you. I am so very grateful to have been given the chance to simply be in your presence that I feel like I would die if I could never see you again.”
I open my eyes and feel her staring back at me. She purses her lips and scans my face. I blush again.
She rises and slowly paces over to me. Her boots click against the stone floor as she vanishes from view behind me. I feel the fur of her sleeves graze over my bare arms and chest. Her fingers find my nipples and give them a gentle squeeze. They perk up beneath her touch. She rubs and twists. Her perfume fills my nose as I gasp for air. My penis throbs, fully erect. She smirks.
“Tell me that you love me.”
“I love you with my all, my most beautiful and wonderful Mistress. You are my Queen. My Goddess.”
“Are you still cold?”
“Yes, Mistress. I’m freezing.”
I feel her loosen and remove the strap holding my forehead in place. She circles around in front of me. I watch as she reaches into her pocket and retrieves a pink knit hat with a huge fur pom pom. She slides it onto my head and brandishes a small compact mirror. A glimpse of myself causes me to lower my eyes and my face burns red with shame.
“Do you have something to say in response to this?”
“Thank you, Mistress, for your generous gift of warmth.”
She paces away and retrieves a crop from the wall.
“Have you ever tasted a woman?”
“You have managed to melt my resolve, f. I want you to lick me.”
My face beams with uncontrolled excitement.
“Are you prepared for me to guide you and train you to do it just as I want it?”
She taps the crop against her hand.
She grins and proceeds to unlock me from the chair. I rise from my seat and fall to my knees. I bow my head and kiss her feet. First the right foot, then the left. She smiles down at me and then makes a lifting motion with her hand. I rise to my feet. She turns me and pulls my wrists behind me, securing them together with a lock.
I feel her arms around my body, the fur dancing against my skin. She presses her cheek against my shoulder and inhales deeply through her nose.
I speak in a gentle whisper.
“I love you, my beautiful and wonderful Mistress.”
She hooks her finger on the ring of my collar and guides me to her throne. She sits first and runs her hands up and down my body before settling one hand around my erect penis.
“Would you like to wear some clothes so that you aren’t so cold?”
“How do you feel knowing that I would deny you clothes simply because it amuses me to have you suffer?”
My cock grows in her hand.
“It makes me happy to take any part in something that brings you pleasure, Mistress.”
She tightens her grip and pulls downward, forcing me to my knees. She parts the lower half of her coat and spreads her legs. She pops the snaps on her leather pants, removes the crotch of the pants and exposes her glistening flesh.
The tosses the leather to the side and retrieves the crop in her hand. The scent of her sex and the excitement cause my penis to throb. Her eyes meet mine as she pulls me close and drags the crop across the bare skin of my back.
“It should be clear by now that you’ve passed this stage of testing. You will have one month to win my favor. I will continue to test you. I will train you. You will have assignments to complete. Do not let me down.”
“Yes, Mistress. I wish to make you proud.”
“Good boy. Now let’s see if that silver tongue of yours has any hope of pleasing me.”
She pulls my face into her crotch. Her scent fills my nose as I taste of her sweet juices. I begin with kisses, my lips pat around her erect clitoris. I extend my tongue and press down, feeling the gentle tapping of the crop.
My last thoughts before immersing in her pleasure are about my heart overflowing with love for her and feeling thankful that I lived long enough to see this day.