Friday, February 16, 2018

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

I have completed fs01.

The final chapter is 84.  Overall word count ~254,000.

I have updated the links for Chapter 76 and beyond to link to the Wordpress blog.

I do not plan to post here anymore for the time being.

fs02 is in the works with two chapters completed and a slew of ideas on the way. 
It will be here:

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Moving to Wordpress

For the time being I will be moving to Wordpress.  I do not plan to delete this blog and I may return to it at some point, but for now I will be moving forward there instead.  I will still read/respond to comments left here.

On WP I have split things into two blogs, one of which covers personal posts and D/s and Femdom writing.  The other is where I will host my erotica, drawings, and posts centered around fur and forced feminization. 

Wordpress blogs can be followed through the Blogger reader.  I have whipped up a step by step set of instructions if you are not familiar with the process and would like to keep following me.

From the Blogger Reading list, click the edit button:

 Click Add:

Paste in the URL of the Wordpress Blog and click next:

The URLs are as follows:
For D/s, personal posts, etc.:

For erotica, drawings, fur, and forced feminization:

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me through the contact form.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Shifts in Fantasy

When my depression sets in I usually find myself blocked from accessing and maintaining the submissive mental space that I hold so dear.  I can catch glimpses of it but the moments are fleeting and I cannot grab on and ride the feelings for any amount of time.  Something else I notice is that to "get there," I have a natural shift in the types of fantasies my brain chases.

In normal times I can linger in a fantasy of a loving and warm, albeit strict form of lifestyle D/s.  I crave the intimacy and personal connection.  I long for the embrace of my soulmate and my heart flutters as I find my life's meaning through submission and service.  This is my ultimate vulnerability and the words of my heart resonate deeply to my core.

As depression slowly erodes my feelings over time, I find the demons screaming at me, attacking my fears and weaknesses.  The defenses around my heart activate and I feel things close off within.  I know this is my coping mechanism.  I know it is effective.  My submissive self is still here and it suffers, unable to feel the way it should.  When an idealized sense of love falls from its view, it continues searching.

It begins to pursue fantasies that exist within the darkness.  Cruel.  Harsh.  Impersonal.  These flash the glimpses that allow for submission under any circumstances.  I cease thinking about myself as a life partner.  I become something lesser.  A slave.  A prisoner.  A servant.  It does not matter who I am, it only matters what I do.  I am an action.  I am a service.  I merely exist at someone else's beck and call.  I have no choices.  No freedom.  No future.  I am there, trapped by the moment, living moment to moment, day by day.  There is no warmth or love waiting at the end of the trials.  The best I can hope for is the absence of pain.  I still want to love... I just do not expect to be loved.

Why do things turn so dark?  Why is this the only way that I feel anything decent?  Is this the manifestation of how I see myself?  Or is this my inner submissive simply scrounging to be fed and it takes whatever crumbs it can get?

This is part of the cycle.  In these times, it is the only way I can get off.  I don't know how I should feel about that, or if I should just ride it, knowing that this is temporary.


When I felt the depression creeping in I told myself that I would stay active.  I would stay in touch.  I would keep writing.  I would keep chatting.  I would keep reading.  I would keep leaving comments.

Unfortunately I am not doing well with any of these original goals.  I feel like I am falling off the planet, retreating into watching shows and reading so that I don't think about anything and don't feel anything.  I am numb.

I do not have access to the feelings that sustain me and this is bothering me.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Thoughts on “submission as a gift” and leverage

Over the years I have often heard the phrase "submission is a gift," usually accompanied by a statement about how it should be "given freely."  The idea that submission carries with it worth and is something special is very romantic.  I consider this a noble sentiment that would hold true in a perfect world.   However, in our very flawed world, this is only true for some.

In the F/m community there has been a rise in popularity of the idea that "dominance is a favor."  That is, by giving the sub dominance, the dominant is giving the sub what they want and catering to their desires.  While this has a lot of implications that go along with it, what stands out to me the most is that this diminishes the value of submission and increases the value of dominance.

The fact that both of these ideas have momentum in the community is a bit strange.  The conflicting nature of the two has made me wonder quite a bit as to how both of these can exist.  After thinking about it, the best answer I can come up with is: leverage and bargaining power.

The idea that submission is a gift that can be given or taken away is largely a M/f concept.  Much of courting in M/f (and its related guides) revolves around the idea of dominants having to prove themselves as trustworthy, responsible, and deserving of a sub's submission.  That is, the burden falls upon the man to convince the woman that she should choose him.

The idea that dominance is a favor that can be granted or taken away is pretty much only found in a limited (but growing) segment of F/m.  While this idea mostly stems from married couples where D/s is instigated by the sub, there really aren't a lot of F/m resources out there and when some of the more popular resources out there take this stance, it is natural that many newer Dommes seeking resources to learn from also will adopt this mentality.  When it is assumed that submission is something the sub wants to do, being permitted to submit is the sub getting their way, thus it is not a gift, but a selfish act.  This idea doesn't get challenged very much because in F/m courting the numbers dictate that men have very little, if any, leverage.  That is, the burden falls upon the man to convince the woman that she should choose him.

The underlying theme here is that women have options.  They are free to choose.  They will be courted.  They must be impressed.  They hold the leverage.  To quote Venus in Furs, "Man is the one who desires, woman the one who is desired."  Food for thought.

In my own views, I do not agree with either sentiment.  I do not see submission as a gift.  I do not see dominance as a favor.  I see D/s as a symbiotic relationship where each part needs the other to exist in their role.  You cannot have dominance without submission.  You cannot have submission without dominance.  I do make the lofty assumption that people should enjoy the role they choose.  If that is the case, then the melding of mutual wants and needs is a favor or gift to neither.  This combination is necessary for D/s to exist.  It is a choice people make in pursuit of mutual happiness and fulfillment.
I don't think it is selfish to have desires.  It is only selfish to pursue said desires without regard for the wants of the other.

This topic is again skewed heavily by the systems in place and the support behind them.  The average BDSM guide is targeted at M/f and protects the sub behind its principles of consent and limits.  It allows them to accept what they want/need and choose what they will not take part in.  This gives the sub leverage, even if it conflicts with the ideal of what submission entails (e.g. relinquishing control).

When it comes to F/m, the guides may serve as a basic framework, but for the most part, they can be thrown out the window.  Newer Dommes are encouraged to be selfish.  They are taught to never cater to a sub's desires unless it is something that she also enjoys.  Basically, she is to treat his desires as incidental or coincidental: if the sub's desires are met, it happens as a byproduct of something else or by random chance.  The sub should accept these terms because he doesn't have options or leverage.

I find all of this interesting.