8th part… scroll around to find the other 7. This is targeted at people who are new or familiar with M/f but not F/m.
I am making an actual disclaimer here. I am not a fan of Sexism in D/s.
I do not believe in any way that any one gender is or should be
dominant or submissive. I believe this is completely individual and no
one is simply deserving of one role or the other by birth right. I have
met shitty dominants and shitty submissives from both genders and good
dominants and good submissives from both genders.
That being said, I’m going to talk about an idea that is often
present in F/m but is not present in M/f. The idea has various names,
although the terms female supremacy and female superiority are most
common. As is probably obvious from the names, D/s relationships that
rely upon this principle behave in a way to where women are treated with
elevated status over men.
There are varying flavors of this sort of dynamic. You will find
cases where people live with this as an actual belief. You will find
cases where people behave as if this is true without believing in it,
but they may maintain the illusion through dynamics. Some emphasize the
elevation of women by treating them like Queens or Goddesses. Some
emphasize the inferiority of men and look at them as lowly slaves. Some
believe men should be submissive to all women. Others believe that
only the “enlightened” women who embrace their superiority deserve this
The people who live in this way have varying means of justifying it.
What is interesting is that it is not a mirror of the “men strong,
women weak” justification you will sometimes find in M/f. No one is
making the claim that women are physically more powerful than men. The
claim they are making is that the characteristics of women make them
more fit to rule because the traditionally “feminine” behavioral traits
are morally superior. e.g. Cooperation over confrontation, emotional
support over male shaming, nurturing and understanding over anger and
physical violence, and so on. This is often accompanied by citing poor
decision-making when males are aroused (so they should be kept chaste).
In this way, they see the world as a better place when a woman controls
Are there cases where this is true? Sure. You will also find many
cases where men and women do not behave with their stereotypes.
If I had to wager, I would say that it is probably more common for
people to behave this way under the illusion of female superiority
rather than acting with true misandry. It is an interesting difference
though if people have not been exposed to this before.
As a number of blogging friends that I know are also currently experiencing depression, seasonal or otherwise, I was asked to write on this topic. The person in question went from basically… being horny and having many orgasms each day to complete loss of desire that has lasted over a week. The question they wanted answered was if the loss of desire was due to loss of interest or depression.
The answer I have: It is depression.
I’ve been to more therapists than I can remember their names. One of
the questions they ask, often in the first 5-10 minutes of the first
meeting if you are feeling depressed is: how is your sex drive?
They ask this in couples therapy as well.
Loss of sex drive is one of the big tipoffs for many and it is especially noticeable when it involves a drastic change.
Since everyone has different things going on, I will just share how
my process works in regards to this as it may lead to some observations
that are applicable for others.
My own arousal is completely intertwined with feelings of
submission. I do not get aroused without being in or thinking about D/s
in some way. If I am aroused I am feeling submissive. If I am feeling
submissive I am aroused.
The first thing that makes me aware that I have depression setting in
is the inability for me to access my submissive mental space. For me,
feeling submissive is a state of ultimate vulnerability where my heart
is pulled to the surface and I am unable to avoid or hide my feelings.
As I have been dealing with depression for 30+ years and finally
found a sustainable means of coping in the past 10 years, I have come to
learn quite a bit about the process. I refer to the effects of my
depression as my “demons.” They are basically impulses, thoughts, and
feelings that creep into my head and begin to respond to random triggers
and fill me with an impulse of negativity and pain.
One of note was when a friend and I were at a restaurant (I was 20)
and she was coloring on the menu with a purple crayon and made a
reference to Harold. This was a reference to a children’s book that I
cherished from my youth, called Harold and the Purple Crayon. I
probably read it and had it read to me well over 100 times from the
ages of 2-4 and it carried with it many happy memories of the innocence
of youth and times where I was protected from the world that regularly
harmed me. I also remember when I was made to give it away at age 5. I
had planned to keep it forever and read it to my children. Taking it
away from me was a betrayal and it left me devastated (that same day I
was forced to give up a number of precious childhood keepsakes). This
event triggered me to relive the moments of lost innocence and it was a
pivotal moment in my life when sentimental value ceased to exist for
me. I relived feeling a part of my heart die and I was overwhelmed with
pain at realizing I hated being alive and carrying all of this pain.
While not every trigger is as strong as this one was, they happen
enough to make life… feel not good. I have since learned to “shrug off”
the impulses, but it doesn’t stop me from having them. During my
depression, this will happen anywhere from 1 to 200 times a day, with
the worse the depression is the more often it happens.
My coping mechanism is to try and keep myself busy and occupied.
Keep my brain thinking about unimportant things. These are the times
where I might watch 75 episodes of a TV or anime series in a week. In
turn, my heart closes off. My feelings dull and get numb. If I feel
anything, it is living vicariously through whatever I am doing or
As this happens, my sex drive shuts off. It’s not like I don’t want
to do intimate and sexual things, but it is that I am unable feel
vulnerable. When I am not vulnerable, I do not feel submissive.
Without feeling submissive, I do not get aroused. Without arousal I
have no sex drive. In times like now, where I do not have D/s in my day
to day home life it leaves me stuck and blocked.
That being said, my vulnerability can be forced open in the presence
of dominance. It requires an incredibly strict and harsh form of
dominance, but it can in fact rip down my walls and keep me in a
submissive and aroused state.
Hopefully this description will help them answer their question.