Friday, August 18, 2017

Avoid the Spam

On the off chance you found your reader spammed today by an author known as books info and want to get rid of the spam, the followed blog in question that is now routing to that RSS feed was "Starting a Femdom Marriage."  I have since removed that from my followed blogs links.

As things are

Over the past few weeks I have deleted at least a dozen posts rather than publishing them.  I can feel my mind spiraling into negative space and the effects are finally indisputable as I can definitely say that my depression is flaring up.

During these times it seems that certain triggers put me into a nihilistic sort of mindset and an accompanying "fuck people, the world is fucked" line of thinking.  I've gone into work-a-holic mode and in my downtime I'm choosing activities that completely occupy my brain so that I don't have to think.

Coping.  Getting by.  Existing.  It's frustrating on so many levels.  Something that people close to me often misunderstand is that I don't need space, distance, or to be coddled.  I need people to lean on me... depend on me... I need people to need me or I can't feel useful.  I can always rise from the muck for someone else.  Always.  I will not let depression keep me from being the caliber of friend or lover that I want to be.

Honestly, I don't even know if this is a strength or a weakness anymore.  Should I feel proud or pathetic?  I know this is how D/s suits me as my anti-depressant.  Consistent and even over-bearing amounts of expectations help me to rise up and stay out of the garbage that is floating around my brain.  I always rise up for someone else.

This is the time that submissive mental space would benefit me the most and again I find myself blocked from it.  I'm not horny.  I have no sex drive dragging me along.  Masturbation becomes a form of maintenance that I employ when my lower back muscles start to get painfully tight and/or I find myself in a high-strung state of neurosis.  That in itself is frustrating.

I can't help but notice that this state is repeating the cycle of last year.  Over the past few years I have tried to live in a way where I do not desire anything that I cannot or should not have.  I stopped buying anything and started living in a very minimal and frugal state (for the most part).  I have a birthday coming up soon and like last year, I find myself having to want things in order to give family members gift ideas and the like.  The best version of myself is not the one that wants things for me.  If the cycle follows the same course as least year, I should be back to normal in about a month.  It's frustrating knowing what will happen but having no means to accelerate the timeline.

Such is life.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Friday stuff. Yeah, good title.

Some comments showed up today on Lady Grey's blog that kind of set me off a little bit.  I read them and just thought "wow, this person is full of shit and doesn't get it."  A lot of the words actually played into part of the clashes that my last entry talked about.  When I actually dissected their jumbled mess of grammatical errors and disorganized thoughts, the problem became abundantly clear.

I have since decided not to reply to them as I would prefer not to dive into the mud with such an individual. 

It seems that in the past few years the amount of binary thinking has increased, so much to the point where it has become the standard.  Right/wrong.  Yes/no.  With us/against us.  You see it in politics all the time.  I've been in BDSM long enough to no longer be naive about believing people involved in it to be open-minded.  However, binary thinking is terrifying. 

Extremes.  This goes against the bell-curve.  Most people fall towards the CENTER, not to the extreme ends.  Viewing through extremes tends to falsely pull people in directions because they feel they have to pick a side.

Easy answers.  Since when do difficult and complicated questions have easy answers?  True/False answers don't work all that well for Essay Questions.  It also gives people a false sense of knowledge when they can simply memorize the "correct responses" without giving it a modicum of thought.  The end result is that you find a slew of people who rattle off cliches that will flat out contradict one another. 

False moral superiority.  Is it wrong to steal?  Yes.  Is it wrong to steal food from someone who has excess in order to feed a child that is starving to death?  If you can blurt out a yes/no answer to this question without asking a dozen other questions to gain understanding of the situation, then I wish I was you.  When things are difficult and complicated you SHOULD agonize over any answer other than "I don't know."  "In some cases yes, in other cases no," is frequently the most correct answer to any question, and that is anything but binary.  Life is easier to have an answer for everything and have that answer be as simply as possible.  Those who have that easy answer generally look down upon those who have... a different answer. 

While there are thousands of dangers I could list of this type of thinking but I don't plan to cover them all.  I will talk about one more that is something that I have been baited into several times.

When I read a statement that only considers one of the two options and wish to contest it, the natural response is to provide evidence where the opposite is true.  This in turn makes the cases involved look like they are in fact debating the binary options. 

My last post most likely painted my attitude towards service to be one that I only want when feeling submissive.  That is not the case at all but such is the dangers of confronting the topic of "submissive all the time." 

Here is a better illustration of how I would look at my own view on submissive mental space and service.

-As my vanilla self, I rationally know that I want to serve and be pleasing to my Domme all the time.  There are days where this flows naturally with my mood.  There are days where I'm not feeling as well and the rational understanding is there but the feelings are half-hearted.  There are days when I'm not feeling well at all and serving is something I really would rather not do right now, but I still will, probably with reluctance.  There may be days occasional days where I feel so wrecked that I don't want to serve and may resist.  Basically, I have the normal gambit of feeling good, ok, meh, and terrible, with plenty of variations in between. 

-As my submissive self, I rationally know that I want to serve and be pleasing to my Domme all the time.  I serve happily with plenty of self-motivation to perform my role.  Injecting some fear into the mix will shift that to serving frantically and desperately, with external motivation in spades.

By confronting this idea it often requires establishing a firm stance in the opposite.  That isn't an ideal way of dealing with it either.  There are endless variations and in-betweens. 

Why I am on this topic has to do with reading some statements about how subs are conditioned and then it is not consensual, and things are either "this way" or loving.  The person of course had to ensure that we know they are in an FLR.  Like seriously?  It's like throwing that banner up tends to signify "douche bag," and it is why I have come to loathe the term so much.

The first aspect is the notion of something being consensual OR conditioned.  Can't it be both?  Can one not consent to be conditioned?  Once conditioned, is that no longer them?

The other aspect is the notion that something is either cruel OR loving.  Can't it be both?  If both parties enjoy cruel, doesn't that make cruelty a way of showing love?

I don't know, I guess I'm just severely tired of this game and I can't see any way that it benefits the world at large or most individuals. 

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Late Night Thoughts on submission

(I wrote this late last night but my internet went down)

To be honest, I'm not sure how much longer I will be blogging for.  The vibe isn't there anymore.  I love to read, write, and discuss ideas, but I don't feel like my ideas are applicable or representative anymore in today's environment.

As those who have been long-time readers know, I draw a lot of inspiration from outside sources.  Reading other blogs.  Discussion groups and forums.  Random things.  Comments.  Emails.  I've honestly been spending more time reading on Wordpress than on Blogger lately as it's just more active.  I've also been reading a lot more F/m blogs and interacting with dominants and submissives of both genders in the past couple of months.

There are a number of recurring views that keep surfacing and they continue to throw me for a loop.  Mostly because they feel very incomplete... or inaccurate... or both... or like a hybrid mish-mash of ideas out there.  When it comes to Femdom there have always sort of been two roads to travel.  The more common one when I was getting started was the consensual BDSM route and that path had the potential to evolve into 24/7 lifestyle D/s, TPE, and the like in its most extreme forms.  The other path was what I see as the predecessor to the "current" use of the term FLR, namely from authors such as Elise Sutton, Georgeann Cross, Lady Misato, and the like (back when I first discovered this side of things the term FLR wasn't yet in use).  For ease, I will refer to them as the BDSM path and the FLR path.

These schools of thought are quite different on a fundamental level.  The BDSM path was focused on consent, informed decision-making, mutual pleasure, compatible fits, respecting negotiated limits, and the like.  While things could and frequently would evolve into a much more intense state of D/s, this was known to be in the minority of Femdom relationships.

The FLR path was originally targeted at vanilla women.  It frequently talked about using sexual control and manipulation techniques to "enslave" a male, correct and modify his behavior, "train" him to perform chores and service, and so on, without him even knowing it.  Find out his secret desires and exploit them.  Make him addicted to her and she can continuously dangle the carrot and steer him however she pleases.  Do this long enough and he may be reduced to a life of servitude.

If you go back 10+ years, the BDSM crowd found this approach rather appalling.  However, there has always been a shortage of available Dommes to single subs and the FLR approach was a much much much easier "sell" to a vanilla partner.  If you have a vivid imagination you can probably picture Billy Mays shouting on an infomercial "Take control!  He'll mow the lawn!  He'll do the laundry!  He'll pee sitting down!  With just three easy steps you'll have him wrapped around your little finger and going down on you for hours on end!"

In a lot of ways this solved the confidence problem.  It removed the notion of "I have to be a leather-clad dominatrix" and replaced it with "I do what I want."  I don't see anything wrong with this.  I think in a lot of ways that is how Femdom should be.   It's really weird though because it feels like the worlds have merged but not in a clean way.  The BDSM-path was always very big upon responsibility, looking out for a sub's well-being, and the like.  There was an understanding of the sub's cycles, when aftercare was necessary, and their conflicting emotional states that would regularly arise. What I am gathering now is a trend in thinking of "a sub shouldn't need that."  That turns my world upside down.

I would probably be able to groove with it more easily if not for the fact that most Femdom blogs I read that allude to this tend to be unhappy.  In the not unhappy cases, when I read them I can picture Billy Mays shouting the words at me.   All in all I tend to struggle to differentiate between "a sub shouldn't need that" and "I don't want to have to do that."

This leads me to the second half.  Interacting with a number of subs lately I am finding a striking number of subs that claim to be submissive all the time.  I'm like, wow, really?  Back in the day they used to call those people doormats.  It doesn't take long to realize after hearing them complain and talk about the things that they hate, all the limits that they have, how inflexible they are on certain things, and so on, that they aren't submissive all the time, they have just convinced themselves of that.  Cue Billy Mays.  I even find this happening a lot from brand new subs that discovered the lifestyle two weeks ago.  "I don't need to learn anything because I love to please."  Problem solved, guaranteed success.  Yes, I'm vomiting sarcasm right now as I try to picture someone actually being submissive all the time.  There are people that are neat freaks, those that like to stay busy, those that like to be helpful, useful, pleasing, and so on, but I don't equate those qualities as being submissive.  To me, submissive means that you submit to the will of another.  That is, you disempower yourself and allow someone else to hold power over you.

I am an opinionated son of a bitch.  I rant and rave.  I am passionate about a hell of a lot of things.  I fight for what I believe in.  I make sure to learn enough about something before trying to argue for (or against) it. I am fine stating it outright, I am not submissive all the time.  I do not submit to just anyone.  I believe my submission has value.  When I submit I offer all of myself.  I only submit to someone that is special and dear to my heart, that I trust, respect, and love deeply.

The twist comes in that this creates a dual persona.  I have the version of myself that I show to the world, lean on in times of crisis, use for problem solving, and dealing with humanity in general.  Then there is my submissive side: romantic, passionate, vulnerable, sensitive, devoted, and sincere.  I guard this side of myself from the world.  I show it only to someone that is very special to me.

The problem with duality is that it is one or the other.  I am my alpha self OR I am my submissive self.  While my alpha self may still exert politeness, courtesy, and manners, there is a distinct difference between choosing to do something and NEEDING to do something.  To feel submissive is a need of mine.  If it wasn't a need I would have abandoned it long ago because life is a lot more difficult this way.  I consider my submissive side to be the best parts of me.  While my alpha side may reluctantly go along with something, my submissive side is excited and eager to do the same thing.

It is a binary switch that is set to either alpha or sub.

For years I felt this was the common way about most male subs.  We have one face we show in public and the submissive face we save for behind closed doors.  One of the major flaws of this design is that the sub can't always control where the switch is set.  While it's possible to pop into alpha mode as needed, it isn't always as easy to switch back into sub mode.  Thankfully, dominance tends to work quite well for flipping the switch to sub mode.   I always sort of felt that most people saw things this way.

I don't know.  If not for a handful of people that have continued to dialog with me on these views I would probably feel like a stranger in a strange land.

Wanna buy some Mighty Putty?

Friday, July 21, 2017

It made sense upon reflection

A handful of discussions over the past couple of weeks as well as a blog post that got me thinking about my submission and how I have come to understand and explain it over the years. 

Submission has become such a large part of who I am, what drives me, how I express love, how I accept love, and how I deal with the inner-workings of myself.  There are so many reasons and so many needs and yearnings that it fills that I can't help but notice just how difference things appear when I explain what submission feels like vs. why I need it, why I submit, and so on.

Often when I write I allow the wave of feelings to overwhelm me and I simply let my heart bleed onto the keyboard, capturing the rush of impulses that warm my heart and focus my soul.  The impulses lead to behaviors, habits, and natural inklings that encompass who I am when I love someone. 

On the other hand, when I look to the course of my life and trace the paths that brought me here, the end results are cold and clinical.  Logic and rational thought lead to outcomes that aren't poetic or romantic, but functional. 

I do _______ because I need to feel ________.  I need to feel _______ because _______ happened and screwed me up. 

It feels so different from how things feel in the moment that I have to wonder if I am simply making up reasons so that I feel less strange.... less different... less awkward.  Are reasons, absent of feelings, accurate reasons?  If there is no motive behind the reasons, do they ever dictate actions?

I don't really know why I'm thinking about this.  It isn't something that I ever really questioned before.  A couple of weeks ago during an unrelated conversation with a friend I spoke the words: "You can explain it and find the reasons in it, but the fact that it happened doesn't make sense."

At the time, we were actually having a conversation about the failure of restaurants on the side of the metro area that we live in, but I couldn't help returning to those words when answering the simple question, "why do you submit?"

All of the logical reasoning has helped me find peace in my "vanilla mind" with my choice to live as a submissive... but I definitely have to consider that I just really, really, really love adoring the one that I love and my pursuit of making her ultimately happy makes me happy. 

As I spin these words in my head I now remember why I have spent so much time in rational analysis... and that is that the love/happiness angle aren't good enough reasons for most people to accept.  Do I really need to justify myself to others?  No, but it does make things easier when people support your decisions because you could give a compelling explanation instead of having them treat you like you got overly drunk and woke up with a stupid tattoo.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Experimenting with Hypnosis

I've never been the type that has been able to be hypnotized.  That being said I'm sick of my brain feeling blocked and I have a friend currently delving into hypnosis so they have whipped up some audio training to try and help me out.

The idea we are going for is to instill a trigger word that will put me into and/or keep me in submissive mental space.  The chosen word is one that already plays upon some emotional triggers.

I'm hoping this might help, but it's tough to tell if there are actually things happening or if it is mostly wishful thinking and a healthy dose of placebo effect. 

In any case, it feels better trying to do something about my mental state than not doing anything.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

I love you so much that I ______.

I know that not all D/s practitioners are in loving relationships but many of us are.  I believe that submission encapsulates a large number of things, some of which match our desires completely and others which may carry a series of conditions or some reluctance and hesitation.

I have come across and experienced varying points of view on these subjects from both the Dominant and submissive sides and these ideas mesh better in some instances than in others.

The willing is always the easiest. 
I love you so much that I will dedicate my existence to your happiness.
I love you so much that I will do everything in my power to please you.
I love you so much that I will ______ to ______.

A lot of basic compatibility resides on this level.  Ideally, the submissive wants to give the things that the dominant wants to receive. 

The conditionals get a bit more complicated.
I love you so much that I would be willing to ______ to ______.

This wording has the ability to change the perceptions of the promised or desired act.  For a submissive, this wording generally implies some proof of devotion, love, or sacrifice. 
I love you so much that I would be willing to be put in chastity to make you happy.  
This translates into: I do not want to be put into chastity, but I would make that sacrifice if you desire it.  To take something less fetish-related: I love you so much that I would be willing to give up poker night with the guys to stay by your side.

I have seen some rather polarizing reactions from dominants on this sort of statement.  Well, I have seen polarizing reactions in vanilla relationships as well. 
Positive: This is a romantic gesture.
Negative: You don't really want to do it, so this is impure.

(Not to stereotype but many of you may have witnessed this first hand when someone asks their boyfriend/husband if they want to go to the craft store for scrap-booking supplies.)

It seems that many of the conditionals that end up with differing responses are often on mild to medium topics and are often a reflection of personality rather than something greater.

When getting into more important conditionals people tend to be a lot better with accepting reluctance or hesitation.
I love you so much that I would be willing to give up financial control if _______.
Requiring trust, a committed long-term relationship, a history of sound decision-making for the good of the relationship, and so on is seen as wise and prudent. 
Just some random thoughts.

Sardax's Venus in Furs

A big thanks to Vanessa at Queening Chairs for reminding me that I still hadn't purchased Sardax's Venus in Furs book.  Sardax is my favorite fetish artist of all time and served as one of my gateways into the realm of Femdom when I first stumbled upon his artwork circa 1997.  While his pay site is no longer going, I can say that his site was one of the handful of times that I had ever paid for "adult content" and I have even gone so far as to purchase most of the available works featuring his art (including ordering a number of publications from the UK).  When the book was released I was in a tight situation financially and buying anything beyond what was necessary (food, gasoline) wasn't really an option.

Unfortunately, if I want a hardcover edition of Venus in Furs, it looks like I will have to order from the UK once again.  In the meantime, I did purchase the Kindle Edition for $4. This version features ~10 amazingly beautiful drawings to go along with a new translation of the novel.  The hardcover version includes an additional 20 drawings and I may have to find a way to get it just for those.

I only read the first bit of the translation so far but I may post a review of it at some time down the line.  I will be curious to see how this translation compares during my favorite scenes from my previous experiences reading different translations.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

The Need for Mental Spaces

It has taken quite a while but I'm finally starting to crack the fundamental differences in point of view that has caused me quite a few communication difficulties over the years.

The main difficulty seems to be with the view of submission. 

It is very common for me to read the view that submission should be "freely given."  This is often accompanied by views that service should be happy and willing.  It is also frequently accompanied by views that service that is goaded in any way is less true or pure. 

I get this on some levels.  I believe freely given represents consent.  No one is forcing you to submit.  If you aren't ready, willing, and able to serve, being a submissive isn't really the life for you. 

What doesn't sit so well with me is that submissive mental space (subspace), isn't really considered.

The common stance is that most Dommes do not want a doormat.  They want an intelligent and charismatic sub with a good personality, sense of humor, and able to function autonomously.  This sub should have opinions, thoughts, preferences, and desires. 

The problem I find is the lack of value given to subspace.  If a person is willing to defer at any time and bury their thoughts and opinions... doesn't that make them a doormat?

The way I look at it is that submissives have two sides to their personalities:
1. Their vanilla self.
2. Their submissive self.

Their vanilla self is who they are at work, in public, in the presence of strangers or outsiders, and the like.  This is where the sub's standard personality shines through.  Are they funny and charming?  Are they interesting and intelligent?  Are they thoughtful and polite?  Are they competent and responsible?

Honestly, to be seen as a decent life partner you generally have to be all of those things and more.  How this works in a D/s dynamic is due to their submissive self that exists separate from their vanilla self.  This divide is how highly motivated and successful people in the vanilla world end up being submissive behind closed doors.  They shift gears.  They shift states.  They enter subspace.  In subspace they have a completely different submissive persona that frequently is completely different from their vanilla self.  Their subspace is generally linked to their sexuality and it becomes a need.

This is where the hangups often occur when I have written about it in the past.  Some people are able to enter subspace easily.  Others require a trigger.  There is a misconception that a Domme has to act angry, shouting and cracking a whip for this to occur.  This isn't so much the case.  Often it can be a gesture, a ritual, a rule, or a singular act (e.g. kneeling and kissing her hand) that will trigger the switch within the person and shift them from their vanilla self to their submissive self. 

Does this mean they are being goaded?  Does this make their submission less pure?  I don't think so.  Just because someone currently does not feel submissive doesn't mean that they do not wish to make their Domme happy.  But there is a difference.  Willing is one thing.  Excited is another.  If their vanilla self is willing but triggering the switch will lead to them being excited to serve, is that a bad thing?

I know that in my day to day I end up often stressed, overworked, and underappreciated for much of the day.  As much as I would like to, I still carry some of that baggage home with me from work.  I feel like shit when I can't be the sub that I want to be.  I want that trigger to happen to bring me into a better mental space.  I realize that I get defensive on this topic because it triggers my insecurity about feeling lesser.  Because of that I have trouble separating if my logic on this subject is true or more defensive.  I don't know.  Overall this is just how I see it.

Individual Fantasies

Recently a couple of blogs I follow have made requests for readers to share their sexual fantasies in an effort to give some inspiration for ideas.  I have found that at some point I stopped having sexual fantasies. That's not to say that I don't fantasize, but I no longer really have singular specific acts that I desire or wish to experience.  I fantasize about life.  A lifestyle.

For a while now I have come to believe that I only really respond sexually to subspace (submissive mental space).  It is what I crave, what I yearn for, and what turns me on.  I fantasize about a life that is capable of pushing me into subspace and has dynamics in place to keep me there.  I fantasize about a life that may shift the depth of the subspace that I am in, but I never truly leave it.

Such a life doesn't have any singular act that becomes the focus of my fantasy.  This life is a system of interwoven acts, expectations, and rules.  It is an interactive creature of actions and reactions where both parties perform their part to keep it pleasurable and sustainable.

I do not think it is valuable to analyze one party within a vacuum.  There is a continuous interplay of cause and effect and both parties are involved in performing actions and having reactions.  We feed off of one another.  The Domme feeds her Domspace from the actions of the sub.  The sub feeds his subspace from the actions of the Domme. 

I don't know if I should feel odd in feeling this way.  I am starting to feel that I view things differently from most people.

Monday, July 3, 2017


The past couple of weeks I've been feeling, for lack of a better description, "dead inside."  A series of events unfolded on the home front that once again have made my existence feel marginalized and taken for granted.  This has been a recurring theme throughout the course of our relationship and first started happening at about the 5 month mark, almost 11 years ago.  I'm not going to delve into the reasons that I have stayed as I have written about those more than I care to.  And yes, I have communicated my feelings on this topic, which is the only reason that I have something "interesting enough" to write about today.

If I had to put forth a set of dynamics that would exist within my personal ideal fantasy life, a good number of them center around the idea of marginalizing my existence and provided services.  The idea of using "please" and "thank you" actually detract from this and I would prefer them to remain absent.  The idea of being told "good boy" or "good job" does the same.

If I exist to please her, then there are no singular acts that are praise-worthy or deserving of acknowledgment.  The reward is that I justify my existence (and/or avoid consequences).
If I exist to please her and she accepts me, then in the role as her submissive my duty is to please her.  She expects me to please her.  I carry on under these expectations and if I meet them, I am simply performing my promised duty.  Politeness and manners do not apply because we are not equals.  She is my superior.  I am her tool that performs tasks to meet her expectations.

However, there is one important factor that comes into play: appreciation on a macro level.  She appreciates that I exist.  She appreciates that I am hers.  She appreciates that I love and adore her.  That is something that must never be lost or forgotten.

Unfortunately many people in this modern technological era tend to take a lot of things for granted.  In some cases they don't appreciate them until they are gone.  In other cases they act like they are entitled to them.  This is true about nearly any and every modern convenience I can think of.  Indoor plumbing.  Internet.  Cars.  Air conditioners.  Etc.  Just about any device that exists to make your life easier or provide you with entertainment/convenience is prone to being under-appreciated until it is gone.

Back when we were still actively practicing D/s this topic was a problem.  She would lose sight of my value within the relationship and marginalize me in a bad way.  She would focus upon every way that she found me lacking without ever weighing in on the ways she found me adequate or even pleasing.   This wrecks me.  Badly.  I need to feel like someone would miss me if I was gone. 

I appreciate having hot water before the hot water heater breaks down. 

My sense of self-worth was decimated when I was a child.  I feel the need to earn my worth.  I need it to matter.  I need to matter.  Once again I find myself aching because of how easy it is to brush my existence to the wayside.  It hurts.

Friday, June 30, 2017

By Request: Chastity Spikes

As per Lady Grey's request via comments, here are the spike option for the CB's that I recently purchased.  I read one review saying they don't leave enough space to actually use them and my one feeble attempt at using them made me gun shy.  These are capable of fitting all three devices that I purchased.

Thoughs on a Friday

For the first half of my life I was not a good person.  I was selfish and sarcastic bordering on hostile.  While I was able to force myself to change when I was around 16, the first 15 years aren't something I am very proud of.  This past year I have started to connect all the dots that led me through that process.  I can pinpoint the moments when I hardened my heart.  I can remember the exact trigger that got me to stop giving a damn about other people.  I also remember the series of events and unhappiness that led me to change.  I know the moment when I began to value others more than I valued myself. 

Being equal parts jock and scholar really put me into some odd positions socially.  In sports I was taught to value people for how good they were at sports.  In academia I was taught to value people for how good they were at academics.  Very few people were good at both.  Each group tended to be snobby in their own way.  I struggled to relate to others.  Being a brainwashed "do it because it's cool" lemming routine wasn't in my blood.  Being such an elitist that you don't even have a sense of humor also wasn't a path I cared to travel down.  Internally this was a complicated struggle. 

In sports I was always pushed and driven to be the best and achievement was pretty straight forward.  In academics I was always at or near the top but my adopted parents went out of their way to convince me that I was just a bit above average.  When I think about what in my upbringing messed me up the most socially, I would have to say it was the latter of those. In many ways I'm extremely glad that I wasn't raised to feel like I was overly special and to look down on the rest of the world.  There were plenty of kids in the gifted program or friends of friends that were home schooled that managed to carry themselves with that air of douchebaggery that tends to rub most of the world the wrong way. 

I never really understood why they acted so damn superior.  I honestly thought they were pretty stupid and if I was only just above average, then they definitely weren't anything special.  This probably comes through in my rants, but I have a guilty pleasure for knocking arrogant people down from their cloud.  It's not an attractive trait of mine but I struggle to resist its calling.  I clearly remember an example from a friend's birthday party in elementary school (9-10 years old I think).  He invited a home schooled friend over and that kid basically treated us all like we were idiots because we went to public school and he was reading at a whatever grade level and blah blah blah.  He rubbed me the wrong way out of the gate and later that night I started messing with his head and made him cry by convincing him that vampires, werewolves, and other monsters were in fact real, and they were nearby and would probably kill/eat him at some point.  Yeah, I was a prick.  It was also extremely gratifying to teach someone that social skills mattered (he was much nicer to everyone the next day).  I continued this trend until my mid-20's before outgrowing it. 

Something I will note is that I didn't try and convince them that I was right, I would merely show them how narrow their view of the world was, how lacking they were in experiences, and that sort of thing. 

My rant posts exist because I do not wish to battle someone on the internet.  In my younger years I would have gladly gone to war on a message board for hours until a clear victor emerged.  As I've gotten older I've found that I just don't don't care to try to change someone's mind on something they are set upon.  I rant for those with open minds as they might find it amusing. 

I struggle to think of this as maturing, seeing as when I read something outrageous I still want to reach through the screen and choke the shit out of them.  Ah, good times.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Finally the right fit... well right enough

After more than a decade of searching and over a thousand dollars wasted I finally have found a chastity device or two that isn't horrifically painful and may be suitable for longer term wear.  As much as I didn't want to purchase a third steel device in under a month, I figured it was worth another $26 to see if this would be the magical fit (I am not using it with the catheter tube as that freaks me out).

Almost perfect.  One downside is that my foreskin gets irritated by the "spokes" at the end (another downfall of being uncircumcised).  The other issue is that after repeated arousal attempts, part of my scrotum can also get irritated on the spokes.  It is definitely more comfortable and a bit longer than the other short tube steel device I ordered.  I am not sure if this is the best route for long-term use or if I simply need to add some lube.

This device came with a spiked anti-pullout ring add on but before I was able to even get it on it immediately felt like this is a tetanus risk waiting to happen.  It should fit on all 3 devices.

The alternative is to go with the longer tube version of this device that I received last week.

I feel a bit like Goldilocks... one is a bit too short, the other a bit too long, but there isn't one that is just right.  The longer tube definitely doesn't have the same irritation concerns and it seems to control urine a bit better.  Its downside is its weight.  This device feels significantly heavier (even though it might only be a couple of ounces).

The big positive is that between these two devices, I'm fairly certain that I will be able to find something that will work.

I wouldn't have learned enough if not for the struggles with the Holy Trainer V2 that I went through earlier this year.  I am glad that I was willing to give these cheapo devices from Amazon a chance.  All three locks are keyed alike, so I basically have 3 locks and 6 keys in case any of them break.  I also have 2 rings that are good fits and 1 ring that is a bit snug but could possibly be moved to if anything changes over time.  All of the cages will fit on all of the rings although a couple of them take a bit of jockeying to get locked.  The regions meant for the lock aren't exactly machined to exacting standards... I'm guessing they had to bend some things on every single device to make sure it would take a lock.  I'm out about $80 on the three and I'm feeling pretty good about that considering I have some extra hardware and have spent about half of what most devices cost.  I also have a reference point for if I want to go with something higher quality in the future.

And now... my OCD can rest.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Spiraling in my mind

I've been trying to force myself to write but haven't really had anything on my mind that I think is worth talking about.  Depression has definitely set in but I'm only feeling "dead most of the time" instead of completely wrecked, so that is a good thing.

It seems when I have been trying to write that I'm mostly finding myself frustrated and very, very tired.  This summer the blogosphere has trailed off by such an extreme amount... way more than ever before.  I know that things cycle, but when you follow 100 blogs it is sort of scary to refresh the reader and find that you still see posts that are more than 24 hours old without scrolling.

I generally try to keep commenting but right now that is very hit or miss.  Blog posts either speak to me and inspire me to whip up some comments that exceed the original post length... or I find myself with nothing to say.  I should probably try harder but that's the problem with depression.

I will say that this year that I'm finding a handful of things interesting when it comes to kink/BDSM blogging and the like.  I'm not sure if I'm just at a different point in my life or what, but I'm finding that I enjoy acting as a "translator" when it comes to differing views on the lifestyle.  So frequently I come across posts and comments and damn, they feel like the people are speaking different languages.  Where I come in is piecing together each person's frame of reference and then communicating how those fundamental differences cause communication to collapse.  I am selective when I do this, as I find in a lot of cases people do not want to understand, hear anything different, or care.  When I do find someone that is genuinely curious and wants to understand, I really enjoy helping that along.

e.g. When one person sees D/s as a full time monogamous lifestyle endeavor while another person sees D/s as a temporary arrangement to be engaged in during a scene or bedroom play with partners they may or may not be in a relationship with.

One thing I will add is that I'm not a fan of disclaimers.  It's one thing when people give a warning like "spoiler alert" or "trigger alert, this contains talk about rape and suicide" and so on.  These types of disclaimers are courteous.  The disclaimers that bother the living hell out of me are when people use them as a bail out to go on some stereotype-laden tirade and then lean on the disclaimer as a replacement for tact.  I value careful word choices since they require thoughtfulness and an idea of how your words might be perceived by others. 

When I write a post that is supposed to be informative, I use a lot of weakass statements like: "in many cases," "it is common to find," "a good number of," and the like.  The reason I do this is because I really don't want to come off like I am saying "ALL." 

"It is common to find yellow bananas."  This statement is pretty much true in most cases (see what I did there?).  "All bananas are yellow."  Bzzzt.  Oh, but don't worry, I put a disclaimer at the top that says "half of what I write might be bullshit." 

It makes me wonder why people make statements that sound rigid and absolute.  Do they think it makes their writing seem more legitimate, powerful, or truthful?  I just think it makes them sound like an ignorant jackass... even if they have a disclaimer at the top.  I don't know, I guess, but if you are wishing to manipulate readers with words then at least mask it creatively like, "a statement is either always true, sometimes true, or never true.  That is absolute." 

Truly persuasive words are the ones that are strong enough to change someone's mind, force them to revisit their own beliefs, or to think outside of the immediate bubble that encompasses their life.  Just sayin'. 

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Chastity Tips: When It Burns

This year's chastity experiments have taught me a lot about fit.  This is one of those frustrating topics because of the cost of devices and uncertainty about comfort for long-term wear. You'll hear a lot of people talk about fit and issues, but very rarely are things described well enough to figure out what is going on.  One-size fits most is only a good thing if you fall into "most" and especially frustrating if you aren't sure the appropriate response, e.g. spending $60 on an additional base ring but not knowing if going smaller or larger will yield more benefit.

I wanted to share a bit that I have learned through extensive and repeated failures with devices that others might find helpful. The topic in particular is about the "burning" feeling that some people develop with certain devices.  I have found there are approximately five reasons that lead to the feeling of scrotal burning from a device.  This feeling is very non-descriptive and deceptive since it might be caused by more than one reason. Eliminating them one by one should help.

1. Lack of Lubrication
This probably seems rather obvious, but how and where the friction is coming from isn't always obvious.  For your choice of lubrication I strongly recommend something long lasting.  Silicon-based lube and certain types of butters and oils tend to do rather well.  Lotion and water-based lubes will evaporate too quickly. 

In my own case I have found that I need to lubricate the inside of the ring all the way around and the front of the ring anywhere it will contact the scrotum.  I also lube the inside of the cage, especially along the top where you will come into contact with it when you attempt an erection.  In addition to that I lube the underside of the cage on the outside.  Depending upon how your anatomy is you may get a significant amount of rubbing/bunching there.

Ideally your skin will glide.  If it doesn't, the burn is likely caused by improper lubrication.

2. Skin Stretching
If you have a high and tight scrotum and are using a trapped ball device, there is a very good chance you will get some skin stretching.  This can range from mild to painful but its affects can be minimized, however there isn't a set way to do that.  Using lotion, butters , or oils on the scrotum will make this less unpleasant.  The same things that women use for stomach stretching when pregnant will work on your scrotum.

Ring size can be a major factor but it depends heavily on the design of the device and your anatomy.  With some devices, a larger ring will increase scrotal stretching by forcing it to bend out and around the ring.  With other devices, a smaller ring will increase stretching by decreasing the space between the cage and the ring, increasing the pull because it happens in a different spot.  A lot of this depends on how much space there is between the cage and ring when working from a starting size.  Generally speaking, increasing the gap will reduce stretching. 

This is very true for devices that have adjustable spacers (e.g. CB-6000).  A wider spacer will reduce stretching.

3. Skin Bunching
This is somewhat linked to lubrication but there are other factors involved.  Improper ring-sizing and spacing can also cause the skin to bunch in certain spots and cause additional unpleasant friction that can lead to a burning feeling over time. 

Making sure that you find an equilibrium with how much scrotum you pull through the ring before attaching the cage can help.  This is also the reason that I lube the underside of the cage.  Anything you can do to increase the space between the cage and the ring will often help.

4. Excess Hair
Many devices will encourage shaving.  Good luck trying to get a CB-6000 on without shaving first unless you really enjoy the feeling of hairs being ripped out.  This one gets deceptive because sometimes you might miss a few hairs in an awkward spot and while you might think, "it's only 3 hairs, no big deal," it can become a huge discomfort if they are near a contact point with the ring or cage.  If those hairs happen to get laid flat and trapped beneath a contact point, the constant slight tug that isn't enough to rip them out can give a burning feeling that is tough to differentiate from the others.

5. Pinching of Nerves/Circulation
Generally speaking, it's usually quite obvious within a minute or two if you managed to obstruct blood flow or have nerve irritation.  However, it is possible to have a fine fit in a flaccid state that is too tight when you attempt an erection. 

This is the most deceptive of all types of burns because you will feel fine until you experience intense attempted arousal or frequently linger in a slightly aroused state.  In these cases, the swollen state causes a pinched nerve or series of blood vessels that were originally fine and causes nerve irritation.  What makes this hard to spot is that the pain will generally be in a different spot from where the pinching is happening.  E.g. it will be due to excessive contact on the left side of the penis but the burn will be on the scrotal skin. 

Going larger on the ring or wider on the spacing is advisable.  In some cases the tube diameter might just be too small.

Hopefully at least one person will find this helpful.  The majority of my device failures have been caused by more than one factor at a time, which made it increasingly difficult to figure out the problems.  This is a tender area we are dealing with.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

June adventures with Chastity

So after my failed experiences with the Holy Trainer and Strict Gate earlier this year and doing some blog reading I was able to learn more about fit and lubrication than ever before.  My couple of weeks with the Holy Trainer was able to stretch me enough to fit back into the CB-6000S.  Unfortunately I found myself in a similar conundrum as before.  The ring/spacer combo that was comfortable allowed for horribly painful slip through of one nut.  Going to a smaller ring or shorter spacer led to circulation issues.  Fail by a matter of a millimeter or two no matter what I tried.

After doing some more blog browsing I decided to give things a look on Amazon.  Seems natural to order some Blurays, books, sex toys... all from the same place.  Amazon carries a slew of knock off CB's that are made in China but that are very inexpensive compared to the real versions.  We're talking like $20 vs. $160 cheap.  As much as I appreciate the R&D and quality control that goes into developing the devices in the first place, I really can't afford to spend hundreds on device after device that won't fit. 

So... I took a few chances.  The first item was a silicone CB-6000S in the $25 range.  I had read a blog giving a minor review of this and I figured I would give one a look.  I know that it wouldn't be secure, but I was curious if it would solve the pain/circulation issues and be "secure enough" for my current intents and purposes.  Basically, would be a realistic enough toy to mess around with for the time being.

The short answer, no.  The cage portion bends too easily due to my nonstandard anatomy.  Also, it has been hot/humid lately and any perspiration causes the silicone to chafe a lot and I don't have any silicone-safe lubricant that doesn't evaporate after like 15 minutes.  I have debated trying something along the lines of mix & matching the CB-6000's solid rings with the silicone cage or the solid cage with the silicone rings.  I may do that somewhere down the line.  The upside is that It only wasted $25 instead of $150.  This would, however, be a potential option for someone with more standard anatomy that is looking to mess around with it as a toy before taking the plunge into a more serious device. I have heard horror stories about knock off hard plastic CB's cracking and cutting people badly on their tender parts but I am not sure if these are true or urban legends spread by the manufacturers to convince you to spend $150 instead of $20.  I suppose if you are planning on wearing a cage for say, months at a time, it probably is worth the investment in the real deal, even if just for peace of mind.

I followed this up with attempt number two.  My first full metal device than a Houdini knock off I bought in like 2006 on ebay.  I believe this is a cheaply made Chinese device stolen from a design from a more reputable manufacturer.  I read a LOT of reviews on Amazon for the hundreds of options they have for steel devices.  Many of them were like "dude, the edges are sharp and will cut your dick."  Having spent time with the various generations of CB-X000's and some other devices I quickly zeroed in on the options that had what I was looking for.  1) I wanted a contoured ring.  2) I wanted a "closed" tube at the top as my anatomy and foreskin do some strange things as they shift around.  I was a bit wary of this device because many of the "magic lock" type devices had reviews about the locks breaking very easily, but having spent time with legit magic lock devices, the locks are somewhat questionable no matter what.  For $25, I figured I'd give it a go.

Lesson number one that I learned: Do not trust their ring measurements.  45mm in the CB-X000 line and on the Holy Trainer was fine for the ring size.  This one fit a lot smaller and probably is a bit too narrow.  Although there were some rough patches in the cage, they are not actually sharp.  Lesson number two that I learned: Do not trust their cage length measurements.  Either my perceptions of length are off or this cage is just shorter than it stated.  On the upside, the anatomical weirdness actually keeps the top of the ring from being flush with my pelvis so with that space the cage ended up being a length that just barely works in my flaccid state. 

This was my first experience with a cage that was short enough to block ANY attempt at erection.  As a grower that expands roughly 4X, in most cases the cages would allow for partial expansion, and if sufficiently lubed, the tube itself would provide some frustrating stimulation.  This device blocks it immediately as there is no room for any growth and the moderately enjoyable glory of frustration is instead replaced with a "WTF this is terrible!" sensation and emotion set.  You could argue for this being good or bad.

The downside is that the ring started causing pain.

This is on the way and should be here in a couple of days:

I have no intention of using the catheter tube but I ordered the larger ring size.  I am hoping that the ring/cage/lock are interchangeable between the two.  This photo makes it appear that the lock enters on the opposing side but the other two photos have it matching. I guess I will know in a few days.

In any case, at least with these three endeavors I have spent roughly half of what it costs for a "real" device. 

A Dilemma

With the help of a friend I was finally able to channel a deep subspace the other day.  It was the good kind of space... the kind that I write my fiction from and have been struggling to find for a few months now.  Something jumped out at me from the experience and I have stumbled upon a dilemma.  Well, I'm not even sure it is a dilemma for me, but I do believe it might be for others.  It also causes a bit of conflict between what is "probably best" for me vs. what I believe would make me happy.

It feels incredibly strange to write this, but following the return of my traumatic memories, the people in the community that are closest to me have actually been too supportive and understanding as I have dealt with it all.  I have come to understand that my anxiety is what is capable of trapping me in very deep deep subspace (the state I originally interpreted a few years ago as slavespace).  When people build up the damaged parts of me, the anxiety subsides and limits the effectiveness of my previously existing triggers into subspace.

Basically, the more normal I feel, the harder it is for me to achieve the mental state I crave the most.

This became abundantly clear when I wrote a fantasy fiction piece based upon a picture.  When you interact enough with people that are kink-friendly it is easy to forget how the "rest of the world" feels about things.  Imagining the thoughts of strangers reminded me.  When I write fiction I completely immerse myself mentally in the scene.  Writing this scene brought back was the intense anxiety that used to be common to me whenever I spoke about my kinks and the like.

This gives rise to some odd questions.  To be the submissive that I want to be, I have to feel broken.  I have to have given up on myself to such an extent that I can shed my own desires and focus upon her.  In turn, this means that my ideal fit is not a relationship that repairs me and makes me feel good about myself.  As a submissive I function better if I feel completely screwed up and afraid.

To outside eyes I can picture someone reading this and being like, "Dude, WTF."  I crave a state that is emotionally unhealthy but peaceful and fulfilling in other ways.  I would seek someone that would keep me weak, make me dependent upon her for my sense of worth, and be completely at her mercy.  All of this makes me love her more. I have lived this before and know that it is true.

I do not know how K or F came to terms with this.  They found a way to do this without doubts or regret.  I have to wonder how large of a mental hurdle that was to clear.  If she treats me this way because she loves me, but her love makes her want to treat me differently... I can see how this could be a trap.

I don't really know, I'm just letting my thoughts spin. 

Monday, June 19, 2017

Double Standards 2017 Part 2

Wow, I just realize how rant-like the last post felt.  It wasn't meant to be as it was actually supposed to be a contrast piece designed to inform someone about something I had talked about earlier.  I guess I should cut down on drinking Haterade. 

I did have something I wanted to follow up with.

In F/m D/s it is very possible for Dommes to wield those double standards as part of a humiliation and control dynamic.  People might have ethical objections to this but kink-shaming a male sub can serve to isolate him and make him feel like he has to try harder.  It makes the Domme seem more special because she is the one woman in the world that will tolerate/accept him while every other woman will think he is a disgusting pervert.  Conditioning this type of mindset has great potential to push a sub to being "all in" as the added pressure of keeping the only woman in the world who would accept him happy dis-empowers him quite a bit vs. if he feels like he has options, is desirable, etc. 

While this might seem unfair, it really isn't all that far off from the truth. 

Double Standards in Fantasy, Porn, and Kink - 2017 Edition

Yes, I'm revisiting a topic that I have written about before as it is fresh in my thoughts...

Today while leaving some comments on a blog entry I got to thinking about how there are societal double-standards when it comes to how men and women approach fantasy, porn, and kink.  This isn't something that gets talked about too often and I know that there will be people who have experienced the opposite of what I am about to write, but as a whole, I firmly believe that men and women are "taught" to behave and feel differently about these topics.

Men are expected to watch/look at porn.  This is generally unspoken outside of locker room talk, but part of being "one of the guys" is to like tits, want to fuck, and have a large stash of pornography that is called upon for masturbatory assistance.  For the most part, this isn't spoken about, it is merely assumed.  You are a man, you like porn. 

Women are not expected to watch/look at porn.  I know many women who do enjoy porn, but they stand out as anomalies because the acknowledgement if porn watching is generally reserved for men.  This rarely gets spoken about and it is generally assumed that if you are a proper lady, you do not watch porn.

While the view of porn tends to favor men, fantasy definitely favors women.  In place of porn, women are expected to read erotic novels, craft in-depth mental fantasies, and get turned on by symbols, environments, and situations.  This is frequently viewed as being more cultured than the stereotypical neanderthal "me see tits, me jerk off" masturbation habits of men.  Women with active imaginations and deep fantasies are considered experimental, sexually open/free/liberated, and in some cases, kinky.  It is acceptable to women to break out a pair of handcuffs, hint at an erotic spanking, and things of this nature.

In contrast, men who fantasize are perverse deviants.  Men are the wankers who jerk off to impossible ideals or porn stereotypes.  In their lowest form, they become fetishists.  As a fetishist, you are some evil soul that objectifies women and deserves to be portrayed as some degenerate pervert on CSI.  It doesn't matter what your fetish is, the fact that you have one basically turns you into a sex-offender.  You mean you're a guy and you don't just jerk off to tits and sex?  Disgusting pervert. 

When all is said and done we often turn to the kink communities in order to find open-minded people who are tolerant and will understand us.  This leads me to the next topic, kink shaming.  For those who aren't familiar with this term, it is basically what it sounds like, ridiculing someone because of their kinks.  For the most part, this happens asymmetrically in the BDSM community.  Men are kink-shamed.  Women are not. 

I'm not going to lie, men earn a lot of this.  The thousands of one-handed typers that harass and disgust women on a daily basis skew things badly.  That being said, there isn't a rush to separate the wankers from the people.  It is considered perfectly okay to treat a man who is respectful and articulate in the same way you would treat a man that messages you with a dick pic and the message "howru.  suck my cock." 

As this persists it can get really ugly.  There is never a shortage of men who make complete asses of themselves.  There is never a shortage of hate to be poured upon all men because of those other men.  Everyone gets jaded. 

It honestly gets a bit weird how this progresses.  It's sort of like... no matter what a woman likes and whatever her characteristics may be, that is okay.  A woman who is a little?  There are thousands of daddies out there.  A woman that is overweight?  There is an entire community set up around BBW worship.  A woman with a third leg?  There would be a line of men with foot or trampling fetishes several miles long wanting to be with her. 

But if you are a man and are into _______, holy shit you better watch out because you are a disgusting pervert that will have to pay $250 an hour to have your needs met.  You will read about how "all men are into _______ and it's impossible to find normal quality men."  You will be told "YKINMK" and then cut off.  You will be rejected without being given any form of chance whatsoever, because liking ______ makes you a pariah. 

This kind of sucks.  It's kind of unfair.  Lately I have noticed a lot more people noticing this and I consider that movement in the right direction.  It feels like there is a long ways to go.

Friday, June 16, 2017

"Is there a right way?" is the Wrong Question

Please do let me know if splitting this rant up into three separate mini rants makes me seem like less of a sad little hate-monger banging away in the darkness on a keyboard in a parent's basement with nothing better to do.  I don't live in a parent's basement.

Hopefully this will get it all out of my system.

As I've written in the past, I try to be a collector of perspectives when it comes to the lifestyle.  I try to learn enough to understand the different perspectives.  I don't need to like them, want them, or agree with them, but I figure if I know enough to understand their merits, I can at least empathize a little bit, and at worst, act as a translator when two parties end up looking like they are speaking different languages on the same topic.  By doing this I also learn all sorts of fascinating tidbits and reasons that I may not have thought of before... and this has done so much to enrich my own ideal version of the lifestyle I would want.

Hell, half of what I write about comes from taking some concept from a completely different type of relationship than my own and delving into it.  The "why" is often as important as the "what."  The "how" is what makes it feasible. 

My last two posts have talked about frustration with "the one right way" as well as frustrations with the "we are unique, there is no right way."  If you've read my blog for years you are probably familiar that I like to classify, categorize, and define things.  I completely agree with the statement that "there is no one size fits all version of BDSM." 

I will make a completely outrageous statement here.  There are like 5 sizes of BDSM that fit 90% of the population.  Well, I'm half-joking/half-serious with that statement.  I'll expand a little bit in how I tend to view things like "people involved in BDSM."  If you took biology in high school you might remember taxonomy and graphics like these:

It is basically a means of grouping organisms from most general to most specific.  The higher you are on the rank, the more organisms are encompassed.  I view BDSM through a very similar lens.  I've never actually taken the time to break it down, so some of these might seem out of order but I figure I need to actually break it down a bit so I am winging it on the fly.

Domain: All people involved in BDSM.
Kingdom: BDSM is a lifestyle.  BDSM is negotiated consensual scenes.
Phylum: Monogamous.  Poly.
Class:  Loving.  Non-loving.  Non-romantic.

Order:  F/m, F/f, M/f, M/m covers mono.  Poly gets a bit more complicated as it also includes F/f/m, F/F/m, F/f/M, M/M/f, M/m/f, etc.  There are also switches. 

etc. etc.

A married F/m couple with a 24-7 relationship will be something like:
BDSM is a lifestyle > Monogamous > Loving > F/m > and so on.

Once you hit the species level, things feel a bit more unique.  The farther up you trace the progression, the more you start having in common with other people.  I have also found that most disagreements that happen on a fundamental level tend to happen due to differences higher up the ladder.  As you filter down into the smaller distribution groups you will find the people who are similar to you, are in fact similar to you because you share fundamental beliefs about the lifestyle.

This becomes a little more complicated than 5 sizes but I think you will find that as long as you match up with someone on the Kingdom/Phylum/Class level that you will have quite a bit in common with them.  There is a good chance that it will diverge at some point further down, but is that enough of a reason to fall back into the "we are unique, there is no right way" and the accompanying belief that we can't learn from them and they can't learn from us?  The frequency with which people act in that way actually disturbs me. 

Wow... this didn't feel like a rant.  Welcome to a view of the way my nerd brain processes information.

Guides and Edumacation

Welcome to rant #2 of the day...

First off, I want to state that I respect those that take the time to create guides.  It is a lot of work and rarely yields any type of reward except for a few back pats, and at best, the most common result is plagiarism. 

Recently I have had a few people request that I write some newbie BDSM guides.  My first reaction was, "why would I take the time to do that when there are already so many resources available?"  Then I went to look for the resources that I learned from and they are either completely gone or buried so deep in SEO that they may as well be gone. 

Honestly, I keep running into people that are confused or burdened by the fact that they are working from a singular definition of a term or concept when there are multiple definitions for said term/concept.  "The guide I read said it was _____." 

I respect those that take the time to create guides... but c'mawn... be thorough.  The reason so few people write guides is because they are a hell of a lot of work (I know first hand having written many guides in other fields).  If you google the word "sand" and look for a definition you will find there are three of them.  One is a noun and refers to a sand like on a beach.  Two are verbs.  One is the action of smoothing something with sand paper.  The other is spreading the noun version of sand on something, like a road in winter.  If you came across a dictionary that had one or two of those definitions (and not all three) you would probably think it was a pretty shitty dictionary.  I'm going to stop at that.

Guides in general are rather interesting.  If you hunt them down, and I have read dozens over the years, there are basically two types of guides:  One that is supposed to be universal but is obviously targeted at submissive women.  One that is purposely directed at men.  If I had to give those guides titles to summarize them, it would be something like this:
  • Newbie guide for women:  How to not get abused and raped in BDSM.
  • Newbie guide for men: How to not repulse every woman on the internet.  
For those looking to delve further, there is the "Big Book of BDSM Clichés," that I talked about in my last post.

I'm not actually making fun of these guides.  Sadly, they are necessary.  Almost too necessary.  So necessary it's kind of frightening.  Yeah.  You know exactly what I'm talking about.

While there are plenty of BDSM 101 resources, what I have noticed that is completely lacking would be BDSM 201, 301, and 401 guides.  It took me a while to figure out why.  Just about everyone that has been in the lifestyle for a long period of time has a wealth of knowledge and lessons they have gathered over the years.  This applies to people who have been with the same partner for a long time as well as those that have not. 

When I try to dig into it, I realize it's the effects of cliches.  "Everyone is unique, there is no right way."  I actually hate this statement for several reasons.  The first is that it is an easy justification for making zero effort to understand someone's situation.  The second is that it distances us from other people.  I am unique, you are unique, we are too different for anything to be applicable to the both of us. 

Having been treated different for reasons like weight, build, physical appearance, and the like, I think that feeling unique is isolating.  I have spent years searching for SIMILARITIES between people rather than differences.  I have seen ways for people to come together rather than remain apart.  Special little snowflakes melt alone.

I find the lack of material written about "intermediate BDSM" to be rather shocking.  In its place you find "There is no one right way." 

Maybe they were right and I should write guides.  In the future I can find a post on someone's blog where they bitch about my guide being inadequate and I can pump my fist in the air and shout, "OMG, someone read my shit and took the time to write about it!"

Why I Hate Clichés...

I've attempted to write this post 10 times and deleted it every time... it ends up being too negative and ranty.  I hate not writing for long stretches so I may as well just unleash it in a more focused form.

Over the past few months I've been interacting with quite a few people that are newer to the BDSM scene (less than a year experience).  I really enjoy helping people who have a genuine interest to learn.  I find it very rewarding to connect with someone and be able to teach them about topics or ideas that have aspects about them that fall below the surface and aren't necessarily evident when they are presented to people for the first time.

I have also found myself following a lot more blogs, mostly on Wordpress.  I'm reading a lot more M/f blogs now than ever before and again I am reminded at just how much more attention is paid to those blogs than male sub authored F/m blogs.

Seeing a much larger volume of comments on the blogs that I post reminded me about something.  I hate cliches.  It's not that I dislike what is said in a cliche or its meanings... I dislike that cliches steal from active thought.  In BDSM, cliches are drilled into newcomers to the scene and nearly anyone who takes part in a local or online BDSM community can probably recite all of them on cue.  It brings me back to the days of memorizing multiplication tables.  We don't need to know how they work, we just memorize the answers.  While some may take the time to get into it and seek the answers of how and why, eventually the words become law and anything that violates the law is considered taboo.

Granted, a lot of the reasons behind cliches often fall into the realm of common sense, but this is kink, which commonly causes large numbers of people to lose half their brain when they think about it.  Every day you will read blog posts explaining why the cliches are necessary.

Over time, cliches too often end up being the Swiss Army knife of fixes.  Have a problem?  Spout a cliche.  Need help understanding something?  Spout a cliche.  Something doesn't feel right?  Spout a cliche.  When I see the run of cliches I start wondering if people have actually made any effort to understand the person enough to, you know, give them an applicable and personal response.  It's much easier to spout a cliche... because it doesn't require you to know someone or understand their situation at all.  Is that a good thing?

At other times cliches lead to interesting scenarios when they begin to conflict with one another.  Think of how many kinksters you hear use the phrase "there is no one true way."  It ends up being the view of well over half of the people who post anything BDSM-related anywhere on the internet.  This becomes their mantra until confronted with something that violates another cliche.
"There is no one true way... except all of the following must be true:
-trust cliche.
-communication cliche.
-consent cliche.
-safety cliche.
-limits cliche.
-generic BDSM-oriented cliche.
Failure to comply will lead to ridicule and shame."

When this happens it seems so strange that it looks a lot like they believe there is one true way.

I'm going to cut the rant off here.

I hope you have a good weekend.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Consensus: Not a little

I finally have some clarity on the subject that had been lingering for a while now.  I was lucky enough to chat with a few people both have a little space and those who have spent a lot of time with them and after sharing a bit about my situation the consensus was that my slavespace is not little space.

According to their descriptions, little space is meant to be a happy place that acts as a shield from stress and the like.  My space is a place of constant anxiety and driven mostly by fear.  The one with the most experience in this area cited it was most likely PTSD and that the hyper-sexualized state was mostly resulting to the traumatic sexual humiliation I suffered in early childhood. 

Another topic that was brought up was why is it that my memories keep returning in April-June range (at least for 2017 and 2016).  My guess on that has to do with that being around the time that my SAD seems to wear off when the weather finally stabilizes in a good way. 

Interesting stuff and it has alleviated quite a burden that I have been carrying.  Some questions still linger, but this one has been answered.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Fiction: fs01 Visual: fs's uniform

It's been a while since I drew anything.

A couple of days ago I drew a rendition of fs's uniform (version 3).  This isn't concrete as I'm sure people have their various mental images of it.  This is just what I had pictured in my own mind.

The locking harness is a bit different, mostly because it wasn't really going to show up very well from the front view and would need side/rear views to appear full.  My solution was to add a few more straps and make the locks visible in the front.  If things look a little bit huge and outrageous, I actually used models for these and matched the proportions and actually shrunk them a bit vs. how the actual items appeared.  I also chose the color scheme based more upon contrast and they are a little different than the original way that I imagined it.   Doesn't he look happy?

I did a modification just to show the gag and blindfold that attach to the head harness through some mythical locking mechanism that I never fully explain.  In my mind I had pictured something along the lines of the locks that you would find on a portfolio style briefcase that could be attached very easily but would require a key to remove.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Love

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Love

Dear Ms. C.

When I read about what you do to your sub I can’t believe that he doesn’t hate you. You say that you love him but I don’t believe it. I don’t see how a man would put up with a woman who is so bitchy and mean to him.

-The Man

Normally I reserve “Question and Answer” to answer questions, but every few months I receive some variation of this statement and today I felt like addressing the topic. To put it create a question worth answering. I will rephrase this into: If you love your sub how can you be so cruel to him?

I am cruel to my sub because I love him. I love him dearly. I love him so much that I spent years carefully crafting an environment and system of dynamics that keep him completely under my thumb. He is the only man I desire in my life. He is wonderful and obedient. He gives all of himself to me and loves me with his entire being.

My sub thrives under cruelty and control. The more unfair the circumstances, the more he rises to the occasion. I press him to bring out the best in him and he rarely disappoints. He feels good and proud knowing that I help him reach his potential. He is absolutely happy knowing that I shape him into the form I desire most. He is special. Lots of subs talk the talk but so few will give themselves like he does. I love him absolutely and cannot picture my life without him.

That being said, I am careful in the amount of positive attention that I give him. If he feels that he can easily please me he will grow lazy. If he feels that he will be able to completely satisfy me he will lose the emphatic fervor that drives him. While he knows that I love him, it is when he fears that I may find a reason to make him suffer that I see his best effort. Seeing this from him makes me happy and he is happy when he pleases me.

I think it would be more cruel if I were to stop our dynamics. Since I love him, I would never wish that upon him.


Thursday, June 1, 2017

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Privacy

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Privacy

Dear Ms. C.

I wish that I could show my pet off to everyone but we keep our relationship completely private to the outside world due to privacy concerns. How were you overcome the privacy obstacle and make your relationship known to your friends as well as bringing your sub out in public?

-Always Learning

Thank you, A.L., that is a very good question.

When it comes to “outing” yourself it really depends heavily upon how strong of a relationship you have with your nearest and dearest friends. You must trust them absolutely for this to feel safe. It’s often easier to simply make some kinky friends where they have a natural understanding of discretion. I consider myself a fairly good judge of character and I generally keep myself quite guarded around those who I don’t trust. The people in my life that are aware of our lifestyle I have known for years and in many cases they are just as kinky as we are.

Bringing my sub out in public isn’t that big of a deal when our destination is someplace kinky. In those environments people generally understand that they are just as susceptible to being outed as you are. For example, if someone announces that they saw you with your sub at the Kitty Kat Club on fetish night, it means they too were at the same club on fetish night.

In all honesty, in today’s age of social media it is probably better to be safe than sorry. If you have any doubts, it is very reasonable to err on the side of caution. I will say that over the years I find myself less and less concerned about people finding out that I am a dominant woman. I wear the pants. I keep my submissive husband’s balls in my purse. I don’t lift a finger around the house and he waits on me like a Queen. If others found out about that I have a feeling some of them would be quite jealous and in most cases, my sub would be more distraught than I would be and that makes things a little bit fun.


Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Relationship Evolution and Plateaus

This post is a response to a question I was asked about some comments I left. I have written upon these subjects in the past quite a bit on my Blogger blog but I’m going to write about them again.

All relationships change over time because the people involved in the relationships change. In D/s relationships this frequently involves a gradual increase in the intensity of the dynamics as familiarity, trust, and experiences grow. In the beginning everything is new and exciting. After you’ve done it 20 times the “new car smell” is gone and you have a pretty good idea of how things will go and what to expect from actions and reactions in both the physical and emotional realm. At this point things become routine and in most cases, one or both parties will want to bring the excitement back and changes and new activities will be introduced. This can continue almost indefinitely with a few different versions of the “end game” (the end game being when things really can’t be pushed any further).

However, most relationships never reach the end game. Ideally a plateau occurs when the relationship reaches an equilibrium intensity level that is appealing to both parties and readily sustainable with happy feelings abound. Not all plateaus are ideal as they can also occur when one party “hits a wall” in how far they are willing to go. This can be due to a submissive that reaches a limit to the vulnerability they are willing to explore. This can be because a dominant finds their comfort zone where they feel confident and have their needs met and do not wish for more beyond this point. When one party is set on staying put and the other wishes to press onward it puts a lot of strain on the relationship.

Assuming both parties are new to the lifestyle there are some interesting phenomenon that happen quite commonly. The first is that in most cases subs have spent more time fantasizing about D/s than Doms have. This means in the beginning the sub is more likely to desire more than the Dom will be comfortable offering. Assuming the Dominant takes to their role, they frequently experience periods of rapid growth when they finally get confident and comfortable with themselves. This growth will often propel them beyond the sub and in my opinion, this is where things really start to get interesting. Up until that point many of the activities were ones the sub desired. This is the time when the Dom may introduce things that the sub does not desire or enjoy. If the Dom presses the sub through their mental resistance, I believe this is where the submissive mindset fully takes shape and both parties will continue to evolve.

Another interesting factor is that men are more likely to plateau than women. Two factors play heavily into this:
  1. Post-orgasm crashes.
  2. Fetish development.
After an orgasm men will frequently lose their previous emotional state and however they felt beforehand can disappear. If they are dominant, the feelings of Domspace may vanish. If they are submissive, their desire to submit may vanish.

Fetish development is far more common in men as they are more likely to repeatedly masturbate to the same fantasy scenario. If they continue down this path they will likely find a couple of factors that “do it” for them and this may become their end goal. Basically, once a fetish has set in, they will not want to deviate from it and this may be their plateau.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Locks

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 1.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Locks

Dear Ms. C.

Would you be willing to shed light on something for me? Do you have a fascination with locks and restraints? Your sub is obedient yet you lock him into his uniform. You chain his hands before putting him in a cage. I guess I just don’t understand why you do these things as they seem a bit excessive, unnecessary, and needlessly complicated.

-Casual Domina

I do have a fascination with locks and restraints, CD, and I do not mind sharing the reasons with you. I like them mostly because of how they affect my sub on a psychological level. When he finds something unpleasant, any hint of freedom or power leaves the door open for mental resistance. These situations make certain parts of his obedience “optional,” as compliance becomes his choice. Locks help to erase any resistance and push him to a state of total surrender. That is the way that I like him best.

Early on I would occasionally get frustrated with rigging up complicated restraints, but practice makes perfect. When you weigh in the amount of effort it takes me to lock him up versus the effects it has on his submission, I always consider it worthwhile. Twenty seconds on my part to ensure that he struggles in discomfort for hours? Sign me up.

To be completely honest, I would still lock him up even if he achieved total surrender on his own. The look on his face when I put the locks on his uniform and let him know that one of my employees will be delivering something to the house while he is home is absolutely delicious.