Saturday, April 22, 2017

Click 2017 Part 2

I got asked privately to elaborate a bit more on what goes on internally when it comes to what I talked about in the post Revisiting Click

Basically, I believe that the differences between having a choice and no choice when it comes to obedience corresponds to different mental states and levels of subspace.  How much "you" remains can shift quite a bit as well as fundamental behavioral patterns.  Internally, I think much of it has to do with the level of mental surrender and what that does to your fight or flight response. 

Something I should note is that not everyone behaves purely in a fight or flight way.  Trauma has the capacity to add a third option to the list which creates fight, flight, or freeze and surrender.  You can see this a bit in the animal kingdom, especially when it comes to hierarchies based upon rank in pack dynamics.  Some will fight it out, some will run away, and others will tip over and expose their bellies, feeling helpless and surrendering to the greater power.  I'm not sure if that third response makes me unique or less common, but I consider it to be a core factor of my submission.  The more that I think about it, I have to believe that those who can reach slavespace are likely familiar with this.

To illustrate this with an example, let's say she puts the sub in a collar and instructs them not to remove it.  At some point she instructs him to run an errand.  The sub is aware enough of "self" to probably run through the mental debate of whether they should run the errand in the collar or if they should take it off.  This mental debate implies that their thought process is still very human and what they choose to do will represent which side "wins," their desire to be obedient or their desire to avoid being embarrassed or humiliated.

If she puts the sub in a collar and locks it around his neck, he cannot remove it.  If instructed to run the errand there is no debate of removal, he simply accepts his fate as inevitable.  While he may attempt to hide the collar under a shirt collar, coat, or scarf, none of these are disobedient acts.  Even with the collar hidden, he will be trapped within his mind knowing that he is wearing it.

The primary contrast is debating the strength of his obedience vs. attempting to cope with the unavoidable.  (Yes, I am treating the "skipping the errand" option as a non-option as that is the sort of thing that gets you dismissed).  When given the choice of obedience, the sub's immediate responses fall to obedience (fight or flight).  When choice is removed, the sub's immediate responses are far more likely to simply try to make the best of the situation (freeze and surrender).

I believe that subs grow acclimated to a specific range of subspace as this generally represents the level of consistent control the Domme prefers to exert.  I see the differences in this topic as being rooted in how much "human will" she wants the sub to maintain.  Choice gives the sub the ability to say no.  Removing choice takes that ability away, which leaves obedience as the only option.

I tend to prefer that loss of choice.  It triggers a loss of self and it allows me to reach deeper levels of subspace.  This requires the impulse of fight or flight to fall away in favor of freeze and surrender.  My sense of self dissipates and I begin to see the world differently, in such a way where I desire that which she desires.  I don't think this happens as easily when I still have the freedom to say no.

I have heard of Dommes taking the opposite approach to test a submissive.  If the sub is accustomed to locks, seeing how they will behave the same in the absence of locks.  If the sub is accustomed to the honor system, putting on the locks and seeing how they deal with the loss of choice.  While I can see this being used in small doses, I think this actually pushes the sub in a very uncomfortable way by forcing them out of their normal subspace and into unfamiliar territory.  Flip-flopping regularly will likely keep the sub feeling confused.

In summary, as subs cope with submission, their minds learn to naturally respond to the hardships placed upon them by the Domme.  That method of coping is steered heavily by whether or not the Domme permits them the freedom of choice.  Over time their default method becomes an automatic response.  Locks can help contribute to maintaining a deeper space and train the sub's mind to stop considering the existence of options and steering them down the path of surrender as a natural response.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Revisiting "Click": 2017 Edition

Years ago I remember making a post about how the clicking shut of a lock triggered a good bit of meaning to me.  Back then I remember my thoughts on it were mostly that it made me feel safe, protected, and valued (e.g. you put a lock on an expensive bike).  This pertained to what locks "said" when used in almost any fashion (restraints, collar, chastity, etc.).

This past year I've branched out a lot more and it has helped me to understand a good number of views that have definitely had an impact on how I view things.  My feelings haven't really changed... it's probably easier to say that they have refined themselves as I come to know more about myself within this zany life.

I think the concept of locks vs. the honor system gives a bit of a divide in regards to how people view D/s in general.  I don't think it's too bold of a statement to say that that a lot of subs enjoy the idea of locks.  When it comes to actual practice, there is a split.  To some, it's an alert:  Shit just got real.  Freak out time.  Be afraid.  Run away.  To others, it's calming: She is serious.  This makes me feel good.  I feel comfortable now. 

When looking at the perspective of the various Dommes I have known it is also quite split.  I would have to say that the majority of them find the idea of self-control to be romantic and they want to respect a sub that they can be proud of.  If she says not to masturbate, he won't.  If she tells him not to move from this spot, he won't. He is willing to follow directions without being forced.  The other side are Dommes that hear the click and get invigorated:  Shit just got real.  He's mine now.

I've struggled with this a bit internally over the years.  I love the idea of locks (and yes, I can handle them).  I am also able to exert self-control.  If that is the case, then why do I crave the lock so much?  The answer had swirled around my head for years without ever being able to give a "good" answer for it.  I had gut feelings, instincts, and the like, but never anything concrete.

As I pondered this again today the answer was suddenly glaringly obvious and I wanted to face-palm realizing that it hadn't been something that I had consciously processed until now.  It's not that I can't exert self-control, but self-control is less appealing to me because the absence of the lock gives me a choice. 

If given the choice between following her instructions and disappointing her, I will always choose to follow instructions.  That being said, I don't want the ability to choose.  I want to feel her control as she takes choice away from me.  I like the loss of freedom, it drives my subspace.  I like the absence of options, the inability to disobey, and outcomes that are beyond my control.  I like feeling her control over me, ensuring that she gets exactly what she wants.

While I can do fine on the honor system, I thrive under lock and key. 

I like to think it is romantic that I will submit that deeply to her and show my love. I like to think that when she embraces her control over me that it shows that she cares. 

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The 30 Days are over

Well, 30 days of kink went out with a topic I didn't really care to do:
Write or create a list of whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want.

I sort of defeated the purpose of the prompts by finishing all of them and scheduled them for future posting.  Now that all 59 posts have been completed, I have to think, wow, a lot of these questions made me think of things in some new ways while others forced me to show a bit more of myself than I would otherwise be comfortable doing. 

All in all, I am glad that I did them.  I hope that at least a few people enjoyed reading them and/or learning more about my crazy brain. 

30 Days of submission: Day 30

Is your need to submit being met? 

No.  It used to be, but not currently.

If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? 

I try to make the best of things as they are but the truthful answer is no.  Life would feel unfulfilling without submission.

What makes submission special to you?

Submission is special to me because it resides so dearly in my heart and it is my truest form of expressing my love.  I want my actions to speak louder than words and my intentions to resonate in everything that I do.  This is who I am at the core of my being. 

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Thoughts on Chastity

A post I made recently on my Wordpress blog got a comment that I gave a partial answer to.  I don't think I've written much on chastity in the past year so I figure that might be a topic to revisit.

My older version of writing would probably have taken the pros and cons and presented them in an infomercial-esque way, talking about the potential benefits of chastity in a relationship, and so on.  This time around I don't really feel like going that route and will present it from a more personalized outlook.

The comment I am referring to basically asked if I needed a device to keep from going out of control with my genitals.  That is an easy answer, no, a device is not needed to do that.  There are many terms for male subs that are unwilling to give up sexual control and/or follow the rules of said sexual control through their own willpower... and few of those terms are kind.  If you have been in or practiced a serious Femdom or FLR type relationship, your ability to jerk off whenever you want to likely went away very quickly.  This sort of goes with the territory.

I've always felt that chastity wasn't a replacement for the honor system or self-control, but something that works as part of a control dynamic that one or both parties finds enjoyable. 

I actually enjoy chastity (within reason) quite a bit.  Part of it is because I am drawn to women who really embrace control dynamics.  If locking me up and tucking away the key fuels her Domspace and gets her juices flowing, great!  This serves as one more thing that can be held strictly under her thumb.

One of the things that appeals to me most about chastity is that the sexual frustration is exquisite.  It's very difficult to describe and brings about an entirely new set of feelings, awareness, and emotions.  It's so easy for us to take erections for granted and at inappropriate times we can even attempt to tune them out and/or clear the mind.  Most guys have a pair of pants that makes them more aware of the tent they are pitching during an erection as the pressure of the fabric pushes against the direction your penis is moving.  With a chastity device on, you get that "attempting to pitch a tent" feeling but it can just go on and on and on, providing just enough pressure for it to want to keep trying but it has nowhere to go.  It's pretty much impossible to ignore this when it is happening and that is the source of a lot of other emotions.

There is kind of that natural human impulse to want what you can't have.  Fighting to have an erection that will never happen makes you want to have it even more and/or touch it.  You also become very aware of just how many erection attempts you have in a given day.  You can't just shut it off and time drags while it is happening, fueling both passive and active submissive thoughts.  From a subspace perspective it reminds you of her control over you.  From a loving perspective you will start thinking about her a LOT.  Even if it starts out because she has the key, the thoughts can become almost obsessive and it's quite common to think of things that would make her happy.  e.g. picking up some flowers and candy on the way home from work.

A byproduct of all of this that happens with some women (but not all), is that she will enjoy the idea that you can't get erect that she will go out of her way to get you to attempt an erection.  The extra teasing, sexual tension, and attention can be quite enjoyable and bring the intensity to new heights.

Based upon what I have read and the subs I have talked to, I believe these parts aren't all that unique among subs in chastity.

There are a couple of aspects that are unique to me.  One of which is that I have a fairly libido.  While I enjoy a lot of activities that may be perceived as sexual, I have a fairly low craving for sex and if I had a stressful day or am in the midst of nerding out on a hobby, my sex drive and attentiveness diminish greatly.  A chastity device builds up a lot more unavoidable sexual tension and my cravings and desires tend to grow with it.  It can be a bit of a contrast, going from thinking about sex 0-2 times a day to 20+ times a day by the addition of a device.  It's kind of silly but it's true.

The other aspect is that when my depression cycles up my sex drive falls to virtually 0.  If D/s dynamics aren't going regularly it's common for me to not even have the desire to masturbate for ~3+ weeks at a time.  A chastity device changes that and the awareness it brings tends to keep me in a more positive mental state (subspace) which actually counters a lot of the normal effects of my depression. 

30 Days of submission: Day 29

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? 

Both pain and humiliation play a large role in my subspace.  

What is your relationship to it?  Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

This is rather complicated and these are sort of intertwined so it is probably better to answer them together.

I crave deep subspace.  Both pain and humiliation bring about deep subspace.  I do not desire to feel bad but accept them as the tools used to bring me to the place I want to be.  If you equate it like hitting the red button to send out a food pellet, then yes, I accept my need to hit the red button.  

That being said, I find these to be extremely intimate activities that I only share with the one I love and serve.  They are not meant for general consumption and I will likely behave erratically if used by someone whose contact I do not welcome. 


30 Days of Kink: Day 29

Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? 

Umm, not really.  Generally speaking I have had pronouns that have become default.  K used to call me pet or sissy slave.  F used to call me pet or slave.  T has called me pet but generally uses slut or whore depending upon her mood.  None of these are titles though, they replace my name entirely.

What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

I like titles for Dommes.  Historically titles serve as a status symbol so it makes a lot of sense in regards to role and ritual.

I don't really understand having a title for subs.  It often seems more like posturing when dealing with multiple subs that likely enjoy being titled for their role/status.  I believe the idea of having a name replaced with a number has more appeal to me in a D/s sense.   

Monday, April 17, 2017

Putting the pieces together of my submission's slavespace

I've been writing a lot about the past memories and events.  I've been talking to a lot of people about them.  I've been a bit patient with it, not forcing an outcome but not really content with confusion either.  Some tests have shown that my slavespace does still exist... it just takes a little bit more work than before and I'm still not more clear on whether or not this is a little space.  Thankfully I have my Wordpress blog where I haven't been sharing those posts that gave me an alternate venue to write about it in without seeming like a broken record here. 

Last night I wrote a summary post on WP and I mad the realization that I had been searching for. 
I know that outlining this probably won't be all that interesting for some, but I'm doing it mostly for me.  Also of note, this is not the only way I can achieve slavespace, just the easiest and most common route and the one that I was afraid I had lost.

To get started, it's probably easiest to just rattle off a list of what I call traumatic triggers.  Basically, these are just triggers that are related to the emotional damage that I received while young.  To the best of my knowledge, these primarily include:
  • Sexual humiliation - having my genitalia made fun of or rejected.
  • Being ostracized - feeling like an outcast by (kink) shaming, my appearance, being inferior/inadequate, etc.
  • Being forced to wear women's/girl's clothing most notably of the winter variety and with an emphasis on hats, earmuffs, mittens, etc.
  • Being forced to wear or touch fur.
  • Bondage - especially the type where I am still expected to perform actions with restraints.  This includes anything that I cannot remove on my own.
  • Symbols of control - These can be verbal, physical, rules, ideas, or actions.
  • Outrageously demanding expectations - no rewards for success, only punishments for failure.
  • "Dangled" affection - acceptance must be earned and can be withheld at any time.
Many of these will not send me directly into slavespace.  Some of them will breed resistance more than submission if I am not already in some form of moderate to deep subspace. 

What all of these have in common is that they all bring about anxiety that stems from the fears and pain of my younger self.  All of these have the ability deepen the effects of slavespace and make me more submissive, obedient, and more eager to please.  They all have something else in common: my rational self does not want these things.  When one (or more) of them is forced upon me, it pushes me to accept an unpleasant outcome that is beyond my control, which in turn breaks my will and leads to my surrender.  Stacking one upon another begins to increase the depth of my surrender as I accept a sense of utter helplessness.  These do, however, mostly require an existing level of subspace that is susceptible to being pushed in such a way.

Three of these factors have the ability to bring about slavespace (or at least a very deep form of subspace).  The three that act as the keys are being forced to wear women's winter clothing, bondage, and symbols of control.  It took me a long while to understand why it was these three and not any or all of them that were more effective than the others until I realized that I created these unknowingly.  These were the three that M used in her bondage games: she made me wear a hat, she tied me up, and she gave me a strict set of rules to follow.  Masturbating 1,000+ times while fantasizing about this managed to fetishize this.  Solidifying these triggers were my own fault.

When one or more of these key triggers are applied, my mind buckles and I surrender without much resistance.  The one who initiates this becomes the authority figure and the personification of my surrender.  They become all-powerful and their word is law.  I tremble before them like a frightened child, neurotically trying to please them.  The more factors they introduce, the more anxiety I feel and the harder I try to be perfect for them.  I slide farther and farther away from the self that I know and become that terrified little boy desperately wanting to make her happy.  The erection is because of the fetishizing. 

Beyond those factors, preying on the associated fears will also build anxiety within me.  Often these are verbal phrases like "I like you better this way," or This is for your own good."  In addition to increasing the fear, these types of phrases also validate the fears, and the authority figure becomes the one and only person in the world who would accept me.  I then view them as the only person in the world that matters and the only person that would love me.  The end result is that I am willing to endure and accept anything from them because it keeps me safely within her grasp.  In fact, the more she "ensures" my obedience to her, the more I love her.  I would jump through hoops for her... walk through fire for her... and deny myself any pleasure... simply to feel her arms around me as she tells me that I belong to her. 

This might seem kind of screwed up in some ways but it's the best understanding I can come to about how this works inside.  I'm not even consciously aware of what is happening while it happens... I can only see this in hindsight from an outside perspective.  I'm curious if I could be pushed into this slavespace without these keys but I have never experienced without some of them present. 

I hope I was able to communicate this clearly.  It made a lot more sense in my head but seemed to go a bit more all over the place when I tried to put it to paper.

30 Days of submission: Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? 

Yes.  There have been a time or two where I was unable to get over a mental hurdle and be what she wanted me to be.  This happened when I had hard limits in place but having them made me feel inadequate as a sub.  I would eventually drop those hard limits but I felt bad, inadequate, and inferior before doing so.

Have you ever been criticized for your submission? 

I have.  I have had many aspects of it criticized by others, most of whom felt my "version" of submission didn't mesh with their views of it.  These people were content to throw stones and were not interested in talking about the differences and/or sources of our views.  Usually this has been in regards to being "too submissive," seeing me as a doormat, or calling me misogynistic for how forced feminization is a part of my lifestyle.

I should add that I have been complimented on it more often than criticized.

Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? 

A handful of times.   Mostly in the context of having a very serious discussion about a topic that was important to vanilla life or had a heavy bearing on the relationship and they played the "but you're the sub" card.  It is not a good feeling.

Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

Yes.  I don't err frequently but I am not perfect.  Generally when this happens I beat myself up inside and work like hell on improving and never making the same mistake twice.  It helps me out quite a bit if punishment unburdens me of this guilt.

30 Days of Kink: Day 28

How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

Does naked count as dressing for kink?

To be honest, I don't dress any differently unless it is something that is requested of me.  As much as I can appreciate fetish attire (and I find a lot of it sexy), my history within underground and independent music scenes gives me a bit of a skepticism about "scenester" looks.  When certain things become fashionable the original spirit and message is often lost in favor of appearances and the original purists get lost in a sea of Hot Topic clones.  

When requested to dress a certain way it is usually naked except for collar and wrist/ankle cuffs or in a serving "uniform," which generally involves some horribly humiliating awful forced fem outfit with lots of fur.  The significance to me is that this is how she wants me and I do not want to disappoint... even if it leaves me blushing and wanting to cry.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

30 Days of submission: Day 27

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? 

Two of them exist as fantasies.  The lesbian fantasy where I am displaced as the lover by another woman and the fantasy of extended chastity.  I have done nearly everything else I had ever wanted to do.

Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

The lesbian one doesn't confuse or frighten me all that much and it excites me quite a bit.  It is something that T and I pursued but to no avail.  The short-term prospect is probably more feasible but I'd have to wonder if my submissive psyche would adjust to it in the long-run and find a new level of subspace that I find desirable. 

The extended chastity fantasy terrifies me completely.   I feel like a walking oxymoron that it arouses me.  It's just something that I know experiencing would be rather unpleasant even if my mind and principles can rationally agree with it.  It is PSA for "be careful what you wish for."

30 Days of Kink: Day 27

Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Hooray for vague.  Yes and no?

Being fairly well-read and having seen a lot of movies and television comes in handy.

Having dexterous musician hands helps with... things.

I generally keep my interests compartmentalized and separate.  When I feel submissive I suppress my alpha persona, so there isn't much that bleeds over.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Dismissive vs. Indifferent

I recently read a blog post on Dismissive vs. Indifference and it really got the gears turning in my brain.  There isn't much that I have to add to it, but it inspired a great deal of thoughts and feelings as I read it. 

From my experiences, indifference is one of the most hurtful feelings that a sub can encounter in D/s.  It feels like she doesn't care about it, it isn't important enough, etc.  It feels lonely and awful.

On the other side of things, my subspace is fueled so heavily if she acts dismissive.  I consider this a bit puzzling, but it fits into my views on control and my anxiety related to being rejected or abandoned.

To vanilla eyes, being dismissive probably looks more cruel than being indifferent, but from a submissive perspective it makes all the difference in the world.  It's hard to describe but having her treat aspects of me like they do not matter feels better than not caring.  Simple phrases are often enough to push my subspace into a frenzy of turmoil.
  • "I understand your feelings but they don't matter."
  • "Since when does what you want have any importance?"
  • "It's cute the way you think I care about that."
Hearing words like those are like a status dagger being jammed into your heart and twisted.  The anguish... knowing she is right... and loving her even more for the reminder.  It shows she notices.  It shows she cares.  It shows she values the core of our relationship.  It's quite breath-taking and amazing.  How delicious a treat for the subspace being dismissive is.  It's sort of amusing because the appearance of indifference is anything but indifferent.

Actual indifference is awful.  It sucks the life out of a sub.  When you truly feel like what you do does not matter, it is hard to feel like you matter.  Being acknowledged brings about such a difference... even if her acknowledgement claims it doesn't matter. 

Why does slavespace have to be so confusing?

For the past week I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out just how to interpret my deepest submissive state.  Last summer, Watson, some other readers, and I  had some great discussions upon their process of reaching slavespace and what it feels like within the mind.

I noticed something about my own feeling set that different in a handful of key ways from the others.  Most described a sense of a total dissolution of self where they no longer existed as individuals but mostly held an innate sense of purpose that was defined by the Domme.  This purpose over-wrote ideas of self.  "I want to be useful" was processed more like "be useful." 

Before I make a contrast it is probably best to describe what separates slavespace from subspace.  While in subspace you are aware of yourself as a person.  You have independent thoughts, desires, and feelings.  You have the freedom to say no.  You are still a version of yourself.  In slavespace things shift in such a way that you no longer see the world in that way.  The idea of consent gets twisted: you consented to have no say in future matters.  In the moment there likely isn't enough self present to object.  The world appears with a defined purpose and that purpose is to simply comply to her will.  Very black and white, there is what she wants, orders, expects, and pleases her and anything else is simply not one of those things.  That is the law of the land... the right and wrong... the new morality.  If she says, "scrub the floor," there is no voice resisting that you do not wish to do it, there may be worry that you will do it well, do it quickly enough, and have the time/quality of the work be up to her standards.  Is that a sense of self or merely awareness in your existence?

Where my slavespace differs a bit from those descriptions is that I do have awareness of a self.  This self feels tiny.  It is wired that it will only be acceptable if it behaves perfectly and can meet or exceed her expectations 100% of the time.  It readily accepts punishment or corrections because it would rather be "fixed" of its flaws than become undesirable to her and be rejected.  It sees punishment as a favor.  It wants to be perfect for her.

This self will endure ANYTHING because it wishes to prove the depth of its love and devotion.  The idea that something is unpleasant is displaced by the greater fear of being rejected.  Failure feels crushing.  Punishment is a way of saying "I trust you'll do better next time." 

I call this my slavespace because it approaches dominance in the same way.  It likely is not a "true" slavespace on the inside.  The part I am still trying to wrap my head around is the fact that the "inner voice" that exists while I am in this state is from my terrified and vulnerable childhood self.  It is the voice of the boy that I buried deep inside of me when the bullying, abuse, and racism reached a point that I could no longer take it.  The terror feels just like it did when I was a child.

I can't seem to find enough information on littles to figure out if this space is a little space.  I have no desire to have Transformers bed sheets again or play with toys.  I don't feel youthful or innocent.  I feel like a wrecked boy, seeking an authority figure to love that will guide me and protect me from the "bad people" of the world.  I will jump through hoops for her, walk through the flames for her, and do anything and everything that I can to earn her approval.  I will be her slave.

Has anyone seen anything like this or able to offer me any guidance?  This is so damn confusing.

30 Days of submission: Day 26

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? 

This topic just came up on 30 Days of Kink so I'd rather not expand too much on it.  Mostly I seek Dommes that would be willing to consider me.  This usually reflects on them being caring, loving, loyal, and accepting.  While there are other things that may make a "fit" better, these are the ones that are most important to me for a 

Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Generally only things that might violate my hard limits, but those aren't qualities so much as characteristics.  Also, I'm not interested in poly or relationships that aren't loving.

Most of the qualities that would be must not haves are self-fulfilling.  The women that have many of those aren't interested in me anyways.  e.g. ultra-rigid in their views without justification, unwillingness to communicate, etc.  

Overall, I feel lucky as hell to be considered so I try not to let anything be too big of a hangup unless it is hard-limit or types of relationships that would not work for me.

30 Days of Kink: Day 26

What’s your opinion on online BDSM play? Or online D/s Relationships?

Having spent a lot of time separated from my Dommes I try not to look down on relationships that use a heavy amount of phone, skype, chat, and the like.  I think that online serves as a good starting point for getting to know someone.  While it's impossible to get to know everything, you do learn quite a few things that people may hide in person, and if you start out as friends, you may learn a good number of things that people would not have shared otherwise.  Once a comfort level has been built, it makes meet ups a bit easier and less awkward.

Interacting a lot online (phone/skype/chat/sexting) trains the mind a lot.  You learn to enjoy their company and it gets tiresome to only talk about the same things so it naturally leads to a lot of topics of conversation.  Also since there aren't actual physical cues or actions you can take, it can sometimes be easier to understand what lies at the core of a Domme's/sub's kink-psyche.

That being said, I'm not a huge fan of relationships that start online with the end goal of being online relationships.  There are cases and reasons where this makes more sense than others, but too frequently people use it in a cheating sense or because they aren't brave enough to venture into this unforgiving world. 

Friday, April 14, 2017

30 Days of submission: Day 25

Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

There are things, but mostly in ways that are meaningful because they were shared with me by a Domme.  Kneeling and having a collar placed around my neck always feel special.  Kneeling and kissing her feet as a greeting ritual.  Kneeling and having a hat placed on my head has a way of immediately shifting me into a deep subspace.

These were all significant to me because they involve shared intimacy and closeness with one I love(d).  They make me feel special and cared for.  I could feel our connection when our eyes would meet.  The thought of them makes my heart fill up with love.

Whenever new things or rituals are added they make me feel even more special because it means she cared enough to introduce something that makes us feel closer.

30 Days of Kink: Day 25

How open are you about your kinks?

This depends a lot on the kinks and their perceived level of deviance.  There are certain things I will share freely and without hesitation.

Is anyone going to fault me for stating that I love pleasuring a woman?  Hell no.  I don't live in some episode of the Sopranos where someone nearly gets killed for spreading a rumor that Jr. likes to go down on a woman.  Shit, I'd wear it on a T-shirt if people wouldn't find it more offensive than endearing :P

I'm open to the fact that I enjoy giving women massages.  I like cooking for them.  I like pampering them.  None of those are secrets to me.  I don't care if they know that she wears the pants.

If someone asks, I don't hesitate to tell them I am on bottom in sex nor that I enjoy sexual bondage play.  Most of these things are fairly normal activities for vanilla couples even.

The rest of it stays private. 

Thursday, April 13, 2017

I'm a lucky guy

I really want to avoid coming off overly negative in my posts.  I tend to write while enveloped in a wave of emotion.  Sometimes I post again to try and make sense of it.  There are certain things I should say more often.

The reality of it is that I'm an extremely fortunate person.  I have experienced the bulk of my sexual fantasies.  I have loved deeply and lost myself within it.

The thing that I want to mention now is that I am most fortunate that I have a number of people that I have met through the blogging community that go out of their way to support me when I am down.  Some check up on me and let me know they care.  Others go out of their way to help me see the good things inside of me and attempt to rebuild my sense of self. 

I truly am grateful for everyone.  It means the world to me and it makes life a lot easier to handle. 

Thank you so much. 

The Best laid plans...

I have originally planned to try and write some fiction tonight.  fs01 is hanging and I need to get that back on track.  After a couple of tests with some help from some friends I'm finding myself able to reach a state that is close to the state I would reach frequently before last Friday, which also happens to be the mindspace from where I write my fiction.  I was supposed to be writing... but now I'm blocked.

It's not something I'd rather go into in great detail of specific, but T's son has become a problem that may be insurmountable.  T let him drop out of high school.  He doesn't work.  He doesn't bathe.  He doesn't help out.  He doesn't exercise. He plays video games all day/night.  In the past year and a half he has put on over 150 lbs. and now resides over 400 lbs. in a family with a history of diabetes.  His ability to cope is rather non-existent and without turning things around he will likely end up a homeless diabetic.  This has become a major problem interacting with T and tonight it came to a head again and I'm feeling rather wrecked. 

I really want to write about things that don't just make things seem so down.  I can't tell if I'm more frustrated or hurt right now. 

30 Days of submission: Day 24

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

First and foremost, love is the primary factor that brings me into submission.  When I love I feel like I could move the world for her and I would try if she asked me to.  Nothing feels impossible.  I feel confident, competent, and capable.  I feel strong.  I feel loyal.  I feel warm and safe.  I feel protective.  I feel honored.  I feel awestruck.  I want to make her proud.  I feel everything and it is beautiful.

These others are minor but should be mentioned.  Keep in mind that these push my submission deeper.  The original love-based submission has to exist.  If someone I did not love/submit to did this stuff to me I would probably defend myself with my gigantic and sharpened alpha fangs and claws.

Humiliation.  This preys upon all of my insecure fears... and verifies those fears to be true but it is not a source of rejection.  While it might crush my ego a bit, without rejection the feelings aren't all bad.

Fear. This is sort of an emotion and a feeling that can drive subspace and feed itself.

Shame/Remorse.  This tends to trigger guilt and put me into a shame spiral that is unpleasant but puts me deeply into a submissive state where I just want to do better. 

30 Days of Kink: Day 24

What qualities do you look for in a partner?

This is a really good question for me to have to answer as I've never done anything like make a checklist or anything like that.  I do plan to answer honestly even though it might come off a bit pathetic sounding.

It's tough to explain because I don't really seek out specific things.  I also realize that I sort of have two different ways of how I process this internally even if I go about them in the same method, I will try to describe them.  In general, I will search profiles and find one that sounds promising.  I will read their profile carefully and then follow up with their posted journal entries and/or blog entries if they are provided.   

One of two things happen in this process:

1. The solitary me surfaces.  This is the me that is worried about being rejected and is timid and terrified at sending a message and presenting myself badly.  If the solitary me surfaces I look for signs that this is a person that could accept me and what I have to offer.  This usually means that they focus upon the quality of character of the sub rather than primarily stating physical characteristics, kink compatibility, and the like.  In these cases I look for people seeking a deep, genuine connection.  The writing draws you in rather than trying to eliminate you with a system of checklists.

2.  I am overwhelmed by someone's charisma.  With these types, the passion of their words immediately draws me in.  I laugh, I smile, I nod in agreement.  I like their view of the world.  I like what they talk about.  I like how they present themselves.  I like what they are looking for.  They sound fucking perfect and I am (close to) what they say they are looking for.  They seem like the greatest person in the world that you would want to get to know, let alone be in a relationship with.

The primary commonalities between the two lead to an individual that is caring, loving, loyal, and accepting.  

I'm willing to compromise in regards to kink interests unless their interests are beyond my hard limits.  Caring about the person and connecting with them intimately is always paramount to me.  I'm also willing to give most non-kink interests a chance.

This probably seems kind of sad, but the truth of it is that the odds are so stacked against me as a male sub that I just do my best and hope for a fit.  Generally someone that would appreciate what I have to offer is often looking for similar things.  I've also found that if love develops, there are a lot of obstacles that can be overcome through that if both parties invest emotionally and care about one another.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

30 Days of submission: Day 23

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? 

I dislike the frantic "need" that subs get on occasion.  This frequently happens when there isn't enough quality time being spent with the Domme and a sub's submissive needs start falling by the wayside.  This can lead to a desperate and obsessed state, which puts the sub a bit out of control and focused upon their own needs.  

This happens to me on occasion.  I end up feeling disgusted with myself in its aftermath.

I believe this is most common with painfully single "do me" subs.  They can do and say some pretty despicable things in this state.  It's also painful to watch... sort of like a horny dog trying to hump every leg in sight.

Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Plenty of times.

There are a good number of acts that I have participated in that I do not like.
Being forced to do these acts fuels my subspace and induces arousal.
Does that mean I actually like it?

The thought process is pretty simple.
  1. I don't want this.  I don't want this.  I don't want this.
  2. Why the hell do I have an erection?
  3. Oh my God, this turns me on, I'm such a freak/pervert/weirdo. 
  4. I wish this had never happened.
 Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.  And yes, by now I have a lot of T-shirts.

30 Days of Kink: Day 23

Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? If so, how?

They have changed quite a bit.

It is difficult to describe but there are a lot of things that seemingly leave fantasy and enter the realm of realistically possible.

I believe a lot of it is due to acclimation.  When I first entered the lifestyle, the idea of having my wrists tied or a blindfold were enough to get my heart rate pounding and have my dick bursting out of my pants.  Then it happened a dozen times and the rush gradually died out.  It became routine.  My psyche built up a tolerance like getting used to a drug.  Push it farther.  Ropes become chains.  A blindfold becomes a hood and a gag.  The rush returns... until we do it a dozen times.

This step by step process has led to a drastic shift in what I desire over the years.  Now I need things to be pretty extreme to get the rush.

In regards to perspectives, I understand a whole lot more about what is sustainable.  e.g. K was a micro-manager but the majority of Dommes don't want a sub bothering to ask them if they can go to the bathroom.

The biggest thing I have come to learn about sustainable dynamics is that dealing "in absolutes" that are never allowed to change as the relationship evolves is frequently a poor choice.  A lot of D/s is a balancing act.  Be too strict and it creates a massive amount of work for the Domme.  Be too lax and it won't feel "real" to the sub.  The balancing point is often to have the Domme pick a couple of important topics that they are willing to be strict about (e.g. orgasm control) and putting less emphasis on less important things (e.g. a sub going to the bathroom).   

The trend I have seen is that people who deal only in absolutes frequently end up single in the long run.  Those who remain flexible, adaptable, mobile, and evolve as necessary frequently end up in happy and successful relationships.  Everything and everyone will change over time.  Allowing things to evolve in a natural way is sometimes better than trying to force a peg into an old hole that it no longer fits in. 

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Dominant and submissive: Noun vs. Adjective

I've been having quite a few D/s discussions lately which has been nice, but I have to say that many people have very different definitions of Dominant and submissive and what those words entail.

I really don't wish to hash out every point of view here, but I would like to make a handful of statements that display my beliefs.  Feel free to disagree with me via comments :)

Dominant behavior or a dominant personality is not the same as being a Dominant.  That is, the existence of the adjective does not make the noun.  There are plenty of submissives that carry a dominant personality in vanilla life or act with many dominant behaviors.  There are plenty of vanilla people that have dominant personalities and behaviors that do not associate with being a Dominant.

Submissive behavior or a submissive personality is not the same as being a submissive.  In my experiences I've never met someone with a submissive personality or that regularly engaged in submissive behaviors (beyond work and manners) that was secretly a Dominant.  That being said, not all people that exhibit submissive behaviors or personalities are submissives.

What separates the noun from the adjectives?  In its simplest form, spaces: Domspace and subspace.

To speed things along I will use completely simplified definitions.

Domspace: a desirable mindset and feeling set linked with sexual response and obtained through dominance, dominant acts, or in response to submissive acts.

Subspace: a desirable mindset and feeling set linked with sexual response and obtained through submission, submissive acts, or in response to dominant acts.

With these in mind, I believe that a Dominant is someone that acts to feed their Domspace.  Similarly, I believe that a submissive is someone that acts to feed their subspace.

Why does it have to be sexual?  Because if it wasn't, there would be no reason to be a Dominant or a submissive... we would simply all be people that exerted those traits... just like all the people that do it without involving kink in their lives.

Note:  I don't expect anyone to really learn anything from this, I'm merely gathering my thoughts so that it is easier to articulate them the next time I am forced trying to explain the differences.

Sort of funny how that goes...

Time and a friend have helped me process this quite a bit more...

What is funny is that it was me considering the idea that I had a little that led to these memories being unearthed.  Confronting them have since purged the little.  It's gone.  After crying it out, the anxious little boy has left the building.

Unfortunately... the instant-push-of-a-button slavespace has left the building along with him.  I'm kind of worried now that the means of accessing that space aren't clear now.  I'm kind of worried as that was the space from which I would write my fiction. 

On the upside, I no longer have to worry about whether or not my slavespace is little space.

Almost through it...

I'm still processing all of the emotions.  Usually I would manage to burst them all out completely in one post.  This has felt more like connecting dots after one revelation.

I have to believe that I'm almost through it, so if you are tired of these posts they will likely be done soon.  What I'm finding a bit bothersome about all of this is that a lot of these memories are from VERY young.  I can't date a few of them because I basically have a dividing line of when I turned 3 and was aware of what age I was and before then when I didn't have any thoughts about it.  Some of these memories are clear as day.  I can remember names and faces of people that departed my life a long, long time ago.

The whole hat thing and toughing out the cold became an anxiety battle throughout my youth.  The thought of being made to wear a hat was enough to make me want to vomit.  I would spew out every excuse in the book to avoid it.  It happened quite often.  At recess in elementary school on some days they wouldn't let us go outside without one.  I would either stay inside or beg my parents to call the school and get permission for me to not wear one.  This seems kind of stupid but it affected me that much.  When I would play at friend's houses this was often something their parents would try to force upon me.  I would resist it then as well, even if it meant I had to stay inside when the others went outside.  The anxiety was real but I was unwilling to admit why to anyone.  I just stuck to the idea that it made me too hot and I would feel sick.  These were half-truths at least, although both were likely caused more by anxiety than by the hat.

Frostbite became a regular thing, especially after I started playing pickup hockey at the local rink.  I remember several occasions having my skin turn black.  M being able to get a hat on me without a fight or severe anxiety was huge.

A lot of the experiences with my sister and her friends basically shut off my interest in girls.  Aside from 1 or 2 of them that were kind to me before age 6, I really didn't have any friendships with girls nor found many/any attractive or interesting until much later than I should have.  The thought of getting to know a girl on a close and personal level gave me severe anxiety.  Aside from my M fantasies, I didn't take a true interest in girls until I was 15 or so when a charismatic girl in one of my classes just sort of overwhelmed me with her presence and kindness.  I carried a secret torch for her for years but never built up enough courage to act upon it.  She is the reason that I let my guard down.  She is the reason that I started feeling good about girls and I realized at just how good it felt to have one talk to me and smile at me.  I felt saved... like my blackened, twisted, disgusting heart had hope... that maybe sometime I could actually find happiness.  I consider her to be a pivotal person in my life even though we barely spoke to each other over the four years of high school and spent time together maybe 3 times outside of school.  She was the source of my transformation and the one who got the ball rolling in getting me to open up my feelings again.  Without her, I doubt I would have learned how to love.  I probably would have been dead by now.

30 Days of submission: Day 22

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? 

Not particularly.  I envy those who can.

If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

In the absence of D/s I turn to fantasy.  This might be fiction, artwork, or simply what I create in my mind.  I find ways to channel it.  When successful, I find I can channel a mindstate that feel very similar to actual subspace.  However, since much of my subspace is driven by feelings and emotions, this state requires a "focal point" of my feelings, which inevitably requires a character to fill the role of Domme.

While this is sort of a fix, it isn't super sustainable in the long run.  Eventually I will inevitably ache to feel it for real.  In these times I simply try to distract myself by immersing in a book, TV series, or the like.

30 Days of Kink: Day 22

What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? 

Love.  Trust.  Honesty.  Communication.  A healthy sex life (at least for her).   Friendship.  Companionship.  Quality time.  Intimacy.  Desire from both parties.  Effort.  Care.  Attention to detail.  Planning.  Shared interests.

How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I don't think it differs at all really, assuming we are talking about a healthy vanilla relationship.
The only difference is that with D/s, the expectations are clearly defined.  

Monday, April 10, 2017

The effects of my sister

It seems that over the past few months I've had a number of memories return that involved my sister and ways that she hurt me deeply.  It's probably easier for me to just explore how things were as I perceived them.

When I was very young I looked up to my sister like she was a rock star.  She, like me, was adopted.  She always showed pride in what she liked and what she was doing.  She "sold me" on ideas easily and got me interested in a lot of those things.  I was a bit of a tag-along.  If she wanted to go outside, I wanted to go outside.  If she wanted to play inside I wanted to be inside.  During those younger years I pretty much wanted to do what she did.

I was jealous that she was learning to play violin and I was not allowed to touch it.  I was jealous that she learned the piano.  When she got a cabbage patch kid, I wanted one for my birthday too.  She convinced me to give up the bigger room since she should have it because she was older.  I agreed.  When she had friends over and needed a fourth to play a game, I was included.  In general, she was shy around strangers.  I was fearless.  She would send me up to some stranger kids and I would come back with them in tow to include all of us.  This continued until we were about 3 and 5.

Something changed then in her.  She began to show off in front of her friends.  She began to get overly focused upon how things appeared to others.  She became cruel.  Belittling me and humiliating me in front of her friends became the norm.  Being the fourth player shifted to being the omega.  I remember a time where they wanted me to play house, chose me to be the daughter, dressed me up in girl's clothes and took pictures.  They then told me if I didn't do exactly what they said that they would show the pictures to everyone and no one would ever want to talk to me ever again.  I was 3.

Things got worse from there.  I know in my other post that I had mentioned I was kids by the teased at school when I wore her hand-me-downs.  The reality of it is that I was teased most of all by her and her friends.  If I cried, I was teased more, called a cry-baby, and told that only girls cry... and that maybe I should be wearing a girl's hat.  If I tried to tell my parents they would hold me down while my sister went and told lies to my mother about me misbehaving and that I was going to come and try to lie to her about things.  If I went and told I would get punished and sent to time out (locked in a small room).  Another time when I threatened to tell they tied me up and put me in her closet, tying the handles together on the outside so it wouldn't open and then left me there for hours.

Outside of those times, she always found something to criticize and make fun of about me.  The clothes I wore, the way I talked, etc.  It was like her goal was to make me feel self-conscious and fucked up about anything and everything I did.  Her friends always jumped in so easily.  The lesson I learned was that girls are mean.

Coupling what I felt at home and the behavior of kids at my pre-school... I built up a very strong set of armor... and became a jerk.  I shut down empathy and sympathy.  I started to attack rather than be attacked.  I was an angry ball of rage that had no clue how to handle emotions.  Crying was shameful.  Hide my true feelings.  Keep everything buried inside.  Let no one see the real me.  Those were how I grew to live.

As I got older I started to slowly let the walls down... but all of those mantras were ingrained.  It took me a VERY long time to be comfortable expressing my feelings and even longer on being able to reveal the vulnerable parts of myself.  It was kind of sad.

To this day I hate my sister.  She is a selfish bitch and not a person I would ever choose to associate with by choice.  She is entitled and gets furious when everything doesn't go her way.  To top things off, she is passive-aggressive and under-handed.  When I was 21 we tried to salvage something of a friendship when she unburdened herself saying she always felt my parents favored me over her.  I did a triple take.  No one ever laid a finger on her.  They always gave her the benefit of the doubt.  She followed it up with stating that she was jealous that I was braver, smarter, and better at things than she was.  I was willing to let all that go but then I realized... when she told me those things it was NOT her trying to bridge a gap that had grown between us, but her giving me the reasons that she was such a bitch to me.  I don't speak with her anymore.  My last words were a calmly delivered "fuck off and die."

I find it slightly irritating how much of a factor she has played in the shaping of my life.

Changes to my subspace

Something noteworthy has shifted within me since I wrote my post on Friday.  I don't know how much I may have changed... but I am aware that the feelings are not the same nor are my body's responses.

A lot of my slavespace banked on a trigger that was rooted in anxiety.  Force me into shame and embarrassment in a certain way and I would be overwhelmed with such a force of feelings and tightening of the chest that my persona would collapse and buckle, leaving only the slave behind.

What is different since writing that post and crying several times in the process was a great emotional release and a number of answers to long-standing questions rushing to the forefront.  Many of these questions I had carried with me since my early teens.  Now that they "make sense," the "I must just be really fucked up" impulse is gone and my chest doesn't react in the same way (those who have experienced large amounts of anxiety know what I am talking about).

I have to say that I am concerned about what this means to me as a sub.  Before I was predictable and could easily lay out a blueprint on how pushing my buttons would make me react.  What stands now is a great unknown and what I don't know feels scary and unpredictable.

While the anxiety about myself is gone, I can feel the fragile sense of confidence I have teetering with uncertainty.  I can tell this is my fear of rejection.

I'm hoping that more of this will reveal itself as time passes.  

30 Days of submission: Day 21

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Sort of.  Part of the rituals I had with F she would have me hold a bowed position that looked like this:  

This was a display of my devotion to her.  It does a bit for my subspace.

30 Days of Kink: Day 21

List your Favourite BDSM related book/s (fiction or non-fiction).

Well, seeing as I am into F/m.  I like the 4 Femdom novels that were ever published for real.

Just kidding, I've only read 2 of the 4.*
  • Venus in Furs
  • The English Governess
I have a Sardax art book I enjoy a lot.

At some point T and I had picked up some books on the lifestyle from Gloria Brame, Elise Sutton, etc. but none of them ever got any real focus.

At some point I would like to get Sardax's Venus in Furs.

*I was originally intending to be sarcastic... then I realized it wasn't... so I tried harder.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

A little bit of clarity and a few more uncertainties

I've had a number of conversations about my Friday discoveries since writing that post.  I've been able to get some good feedback that helped provide some insight into the situation.  While there are still a lot of questions that don't have answers, I'm feeling okay about what I know so far.

As I've come to understand it, the events that happened in the realm of age 3-5 or so caused me to craft a new persona to protect my vulnerability.  This became my alpha and it was the only face I showed to the world for many years and I still rely upon it today.  That persona tends to act out a belief set that I do not always agree with... but it is to maintain appearances and "blend in" with the world.

I'm not sure if what I experience through submission is a little persona or not.  It is my truly vulnerable side that I buried in the wake of the events of my youth.  From what I can understand of it, the hat and/or earmuffs are the key that unlocks that part of myself.  M was the first to use it.  K was the next.  My vulnerable person is terrified of being hurt and abandoned.  This part of me seeks a "guardian" to submit to and will do anything to win that guardian's approval and acceptance.  The guardian protects me from abandonment and rejection and wields almost absolute power over me.

The guardian doesn't have to be kind, supportive, fair, or consistent.  The guardian must simply want to keep me and I will love her and need her.  This is the part of me that is truly capable of loving.  This is the part of me that cannot say no.

There are more parts of this that I do not yet understand.  This state is hyper-sexual.  The slightest bit of attention and I get aroused.  The slightest thought of pleasing her a I get aroused.  The more that she isolates me, the more under her thumb that she makes me feel and the more desire I have to please her, the more submissive and aroused I become.  I feel naughty because I exist.  I feel undeserving of good things.  The best I can hope for is to be kept and any amount of suffering is simply a test to prove myself worthy of her attention.

Here is where my limited knowledge of littles comes into play.  This state of mine seems like it was paralyzed in that young age, too frightened to show itself unless the keys are used.  Is this a little state or just the fracturing of my psyche?  I'm not really sure.  Are there more keys?  Mittens seem to instill similar feelings.  It seems that things that trap me in shame have the greatest impact.

On the other hand, I pretty much feel like the part of me that responds to feminization is not so much that, but part of the system of what happens here.  Whenever feminization was attempted independently of the keys, I do not reach the same level of subspace.  These are things to mull over.  I have a feeling I will have to reach out to a little or two to get more of an idea, unless someone who has seen anything like this before can chime in with some words. 

So many things swirl around in my head...

30 Days of submission: Day 20

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? 

Increased by a wide margin.  I'm willing/able/wanting to go much deeper into D/s than I was at the start.

Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Yes.  Things had to change slightly with F because our contact got very irregular which hurt my feelings badly and she was rarely available to give me any form of emotional aftercare so I would crash by myself.  With T we had to dial things back in the dynamics department due to trust issues that came up.  She locked me in isolation and forgot about me a few times.  She also had trouble keeping her emotions under control at times which led to abusive situations.  24-7 just wasn't safe for me anymore.

30 Days of Kink: Day 20

Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about or don’t understand.

Heh.  Yes, talk about something, that's not vague at all.

Well, this is actually hard because when I don't understand something I usually do enough research about it until I do understand it... that way I can empathize/sympathize on a passing level or at least have a basic idea of their perspective and point of view.

Even when someone has a closed mind or misconception I can usually understand how they could reach that conclusion.  

The only time I don't understand is when despite all evidence, people still choose to believe something contrary to said evidence.  I doubt this counts as a kink.

So yeah...

Ah, here's one.  Well, I actually understand this a bit, just not enough to have distinct answers to all of my questions regarding it, but...

Why are there so many "submissive types" that are okay in M/f that are NOT okay in M/f?

I have heard one side of this state that male Doms have an ego-driven caring side.  I have heard one case from women that basically stated "I've already raised kids, I don't want another."  While I'm sure these points of view cover a segment of the population, I'm not sure they are complete or thorough to represent more.  So yeah, why?

Saturday, April 8, 2017

So confused

I don't feel particularly bad right now... just utterly confused about my sense of self at the moment.

The second half of my post from last night (not the 30 days stuff) took me a very long time to write even though it wasn't very long.  I'm not sure why but to this date I find those are probably the most traumatic experiences of my childhood. 

There were a whole lot of questions that were finally answered.  It didn't take me very long in exploring to see all the stuff from fs01 that were directly tied to it.  It didn't take me very long to see how this makes me different from those with similar kinks and fetishes.  I see a world that was a system for rejection.  A system that broke me down and never built me back up... just left me with this shattered sense of self and feeling lost within the darkness.  This system buried my sensitive being and created my alpha. 

Time passed very very slowly for me when I was young.  It almost felt like every day was an endurance trial to see if I could get through the day without being shamed.  My sister really was a bitch.  She tried to give me complexes about so many things... the way that I talked, what I ate, what I liked to do, how I did things, etc.  Eventually I just felt all awkward and fucked up so I pretended to be tough.  I worried about what was cool.  I worried about making impressions.  This turned into a system of self-loathing when I found myself unable to relate to others in my age group.

I'm realizing that I understand what happened with the first hat experience with K.  I can now cite a source to the irrational fear and anxiety that flared up in me when she wanted me to try something on at a store.  The overwhelming feelings of "fucked up", paired with a racing heart, perspiration, and elevated blood pressure now have a known source. 

I can see how M salvaged part of my childhood self and steered me down a different path. 

I don't know how to understand or cope with this new identity.  Is this truly a little space or just part of it?  Why is it so sexualized?  Did I condition myself with my adolescent masturbation habits?  Was I conditioned through D/s experiences? 

The impression I am gathering is that most littles are not sexual when in their space.  Does that mean that I am not that way or is that space a gateway to slavespace?  So many questions with no answers.  I'm so confused. 

Why is it that the protector I seek is one that simply keeps me but is not kind?  Why can I not believe anyone's words when they tell me I'm normal and okay? 

When K decided that she wanted to keep me in deep space and told me "I like you better this way," I remember feeling a sense of calm and peace.  She teased and tormented constantly, but I didn't worry at all... because she liked me better this way... she would keep me... and nothing else mattered.

I'm so confused.

30 Days of submission: Day 19

How socially connected is your submission? 

Moderately.  In each of the relationships I have been in, they liked to meet up with other couples in the lifestyle and hang out. When it is just me I blog and use some forms of chat and networking.  The more active my D/s life is, the less active I am online.

Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? 

Yes.  I enjoy talking about the lifestyle.  Sharing ideas.  Learning.  All of that stuff.  I also just like having people that I can talk to and show off the true me.   Knowing others is also a good support system when you are struggling as a submissive.

Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

I used to attend munches.  Never again, at least not while I live in this area.  It's toxic. 

30 Days of Kink: Day 19

Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

A handful.

Sex is amazing, especially when I'm the one having it.

I actually have something resembling self-esteem sometimes now.  Being confident that I am a decent submissive helps with that.  

When I have gone out looking for a relationship I have actually found a few.

So yes, these are an improvement.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Solving the Puzzle of my submission

I'm not really sure how to start this post.  I guess I just have to start typing.

Today I had a set of repressed memories return and everything sort of fell into place about how the hell I ended up this way and just how the space I perceived to be my slavespace gets triggered.

I don't like dwelling in this feeling set but I suppose unless I write it out, I'm not truly confronting it.  I have no idea what will happen in the aftermath and if that will change anything.  The whole chain of events leading up to this point have been an odd journey.

About a month ago I had the rug ripped out from under me in my home life and I felt completely wrecked.  As I stared to pick myself back up I started reaching out attempting to create some additional connections.  While I enjoy connections in their own right, I had the additional motivation of knowing that more people to talk to would help keep me in a positive mental state.  I did bond with a couple of new people that I adore interacting with.  A lot of attempts failed.  I ended up in a chat group that a friend recommended and got exposed to more M/f ideas than I ever had before.  Thankfully this time around I approached that side of the coin with an open mind and observed, listened, and learned.

There are a lot of ideas that I let slowly turn over in my brain.  I don't force them to a conclusion with my "mental masochism" as Lady Grey would put it.  I just let them be in my subconscious and when something accesses them I try to explore the meaning.  While I will credit Emdimensional for being the one to truly help me understand the concept of littles, it was being exposed to several of them in the chat and conversing with them that set some of these things in motion.

A few weeks ago I wrote the post, Inside of me, which was basically summarizing a sense that I had a "little space" of a part of my submission.  I let the idea stew because my little space is so vastly different from how I read about it described in M/f, nor do am I drawn to any form of age play or anything of that nature.  I don't seek a "Mommy."  I don't revert my interests or desires into a younger state.  It just didn't seem like it fit how I see it in other situations.

Today while I was giving it a tiny bit of thought as I was completing my work for today everything just hit me and a wave of memories and emotions blew me away.

This is kind of hard to write.  It fills me with shame to remember these things.

To provide a little bit of context and to stall for composure... my adopted father grew up dirt poor and the middle child among 5 siblings.  Money was always tight, they belonged to an Old Testament religion, and his father was a strict disciplinarian.  Hand-me-downs were the way of life.  They had one bicycle to share among the 6 of them.  Opportunities were infrequent.  Work hard helping the family business and binge on allowance day.  Waste nothing. 

By the time I was adopted, my family was solidly middle class.  A family vacation once a year.  My sister had access to music and sports.  I had access to sports (but not music?).  We never had to worry about going hungry or having clean clothes on our backs.  One thing stuck around.  My family was firmly entrenched in the idea of hand-me downs.  This ended up being a major problem for me as my sister and I were different genders.

"You're just going to grow out of them before next year, there's no use in wasting money on new ones."   Those words burn in my ears and make me shake.  Fuck.  It hurts so much to think about it. This was the default response if I attempted to reject hand-me-downs.  If I continued to act up it was followed by, "Stop being selfish and ungrateful, when I was your age we didn't have opportunities like these for me."  If I continued to act up I was spanked/whupped and locked in a small room.  The last part would repeat until I accepted the inevitable.

Apparently the memory of how quickly my sister grew out of things was their measuring stick.  When winter came around I had my own coat (usually a couple of sizes too large to get more years out of it) and boots (also a couple of sizes too large to last more than one year).  I was allowed to pick these out at the store.  In my earlier years... I don't remember exactly which... snow pants, hats, mittens, and scarves were hand-me-downs from my sister.  I was small for my age so everything managed to fit.  I was made fun of in winter by other kids for having a purple hat and mittens and snow pants that had a pink stripe on them.  I didn't want to wear them.  I "lost" them.  They were replaced by the next set of hand-me-downs.  Red with a pink stripe.

At some point I was able to convince my parents that hats were too itchy and made my head too hot.  I managed to sell this rather well.  The next day my Mom came home with a pair of bright red earmuffs.  I was so happy to not have to wear my sister's old hat.  I put them on and went outside.  My sister was playing with an older cousin and another older girl.  My presence annoyed them.  They started calling me gay boy and the cousin told me the earmuffs made me look queer.  They taunted me with this until I went inside.  I hid them away and never wore them again.  My mother was furious.  This was the birth of the "iron man" me.  I don't get cold.  I quit wearing snow pants.  I quit wearing gloves.  I wore a baseball hat in winter.  Eventually I was able to beg and plead for a pair of gloves that I was allowed to pick out.  They made my hands sweat and smell awful.  I didn't complain.  I was 4.

Unfortunately, the hand-me-downs weren't limited to clothing.  My parents bought my sister a new bike and I got her old one.  It looked like this but had flowers on the frame in addition to the seat.

I got made fun of.  A lot.  This was the trend.  When I learned to ice skate, I would just outgrow them, so I was given my sister's figure skates and they bought her a new pair.  I got made fun of.  When I wanted roller skates I got my sister's old ones with pink stripes and they bought her a new pair.  I got made fun of.  They taught me how to cross-country ski... with my sister's old pink skis and they bought her a new pair.  I got made fun of.  I got her old pink big wheel and they bought her a new one.  I got made fun of.  I got her old pink sled and they bought her a new one.  I got made fun of. 

Honestly, by the time I was 5 I just wanted to die.  I just wanted to be dead and then I wouldn't hurt anymore.  The racism was bad enough, but even the kids who weren't racist managed to make fun of me.

By the time I hit first grade I was a dick and it just got worse over time.

It's funny, because by the time M started putting a hat on me and tying me up, I hadn't worn a hat or mittens or a scarf in years.  She was the only one I would do that for.  She was the only one that sought me out.  She was the only one that wanted to keep me.  Even when she bound me and dressed me in girl's winter clothes, she never teased me for that.  I was her prisoner... her property... and that felt nice.

As I sifted through these memories it became clear as day as to what is going on inside me when it comes to submission.  My slavespace is actually little space.  The girl's hat and earmuffs are the trigger.  It had always been strange to me that things like panties or bras don't really do much for my subspace.  While they give a heightened sense of self-consciousness, when forced to wear them by themselves, they don't do much.  When I'm ordered into a hat and/or earmuffs, I'm basically a slave.

Why it was so difficult for me to see my little is that I just couldn't make sense of it, nor really understand it.  Most littles frequently want to be coddled and protected.  My little seeks my symbolic protector through the eyes of my younger self.  My little expects to be treated like shit and attempts to earn affection and approval by being pleasing in any way imaginable.  My little expects to be punished and beaten for failure and turns the pain inward because it is helpless against authority.  My little so desperately wants someone to love me... that it will do ANYTHING (within most hard limits), truly believing it will be rejected if it has a single lapse in effort.  It will accept any rules... and consequences... because that is all it knows how to do.

My little is a slave that responds more strongly to cruelty than to kindness.  The kindest thing someone can do for my little is to put a lock on me and tell me there's no escape.  Do that and it would never want to leave.

My little has some badass work ethic.  If I struck out at little league it was 200 hits a night off a tee.  If I struck out 5 times across a season it was off to the high school coaches or a professional swing trainer to make me "right" again.  If I made an error in the field it was 200 grounders off a pitch back every day until it's perfect.  If I wasn't the best player on my team, then I was selfish and ungrateful for having these opportunities.  This is the natural penance and effort required to be acceptable. No wonder I was/am so fucking neurotic and my little follows suit.

I don't really know how to feel about this.  I don't really know what I should think of this.  I feel like I should keep it a secret.  I am ashamed of it.  Fuck, I just feel so broken.