I Encountered a new D/s Philosophy Part 2

Now that I have had a chance to really organize my thoughts on this I have come to a realization that it was actually a bigger picture idea that was my hangup and in the previous post I trapped myself a bit on a few specifics.

In the more general sense I think it is because having a very strict and controlling set of dynamics is something that is not reached very easily.  In most cases where I see these relationships flourishing, it took years to reach that point.  Years of training, behavioral correction, and a well-developed trust in order to facilitate the required intensity.

By steering clear of punishment it makes two large statements:
1. You must be (nearly) perfect in your behavior as you are right now.
2. You must have the mental fortitude to over-ride any external distraction.

That is a very, very tall order.  I guess I just tend to feel that this type of submissive is created, not born.  They must be guided and trained in order to reach this point.  While they will develop mental tools over time to combat the factors of daily life, that too has a learning curve that takes extensive time and experience to build.

This is where my feelings were "sticking" on this subject. 

I hope this clarifies a bit where I was going with the previous post, I just hadn't found a way to articulate it yet.

I Encountered a new D/s Philosophy

I discovered a new Femdom blog that had roughly 50 posts with 0 comments over a two-year span.  I've found myself agreeing with the vast majority of the author's thoughts... like 95% or so. 

There is a recurring them that keeps popping up though, that doesn't quite sit right with me.  I had been able to avoid directly confronting it with the majority of the posts but finally reached one that left the topic unavoidable and I stopped.

It is rare that I have to spend a lot of time dealing with conflicting emotions when it comes to D/s.  I've done enough thinking, fleshing out of ideas, and philosophical discussion that I have a fairly good idea on my stance on many topics as well as what they would entail in a lifestyle situation. 

In this case it took me about a day to stew in my thoughts before I realized what didn't sit right with me.  It's not that I disagree with this person's desires/sentiments, it's more that I do not come across subs that would be able to fit this role.

The blogger seeks a loving monogamous D/s relationship.  The dynamics that they desire are rather intense: obedience without question or hesitation, full sexual control, full financial control, and a sub that is ultimately versatile and able to shift modes to whatever is needed, e.g. domestic service, romantic partner, whipping boy, etc.  There is one key point and this is the one that has me a bit stumped: they do not want to have any sort of punishment dynamic.  The sub should never need or want to be punished and should never require additional motivation to complete their tasks.

I've been going over things in my head trying to understand why my brain puts on the breaks when I read the strength of the words behind that latter part.   The first hang-up is a simple one: the sub should be a masochist as pain will be involved but only as play and not as punishment.  This removes those that do not desire pain but thrive under punishment dynamics.  I also do not know many masochists that thrive under the whole gambit of 24-7 submissive roles.  I'm sure some do, but in many cases their subspace has physical triggers.  There may be some remaining masochists that are equally drawn to psychologically driven subspace, but I find that subs that thrive under the psychological subspace to be rare in general, let alone ones that are also masochists that would enjoy non-punishment pain.

The second aspect that I struggle with is that this in many ways requires a unicorn (a mixture of ideals that rarely occur at the same time).  In an idealized sense, this probably most closely resembles the idealized version of FLR.  Unfortunately I have rarely if ever seen an idealized version of FLR and the majority of blogging I find on the subject pertaining to real world relationships is rooted in unhappiness with how the relationship fails to achieve its ideal.  The failing component at hand is that the vast majority of male subs are unable to maintain a perfect subspace that allows them to eagerly comply at all times by their own volition.  Life, fatigue, work, stress, mood fluctuations, sexual needs/desires, and so on introduce variables that can decimate the ideal:  I know how I WANT to feel, but it is not how I ACTUALLY feel.

If the naturally occurring subspace isn't deep enough, external factors can easily pull a sub out of space and into poor mental state that they do not wish to be in, but cannot get out of.  This is where a punishment dynamic comes into play.  A good sub will rarely require punishment (we will assume for this section that they are not a brat or masochist that will bait the Domme for pain play).  A good sub tries their best and feels guilty when they fail.  They try their hardest to keep their mind in the right state but sometimes they can't.  The existence of potential punishment creates an underlying dynamic that provides a boost in regards to subspace.  The awareness of the dynamic stacks on top of the sub's desired focus and pushes them into an even deeper state of passively maintained subspace.  While external stress may pull them up, in many cases will not pull them all the way out.

Is this necessary?  No.  Is this extremely helpful?  Yes.  It's not like a sub wants to fail, I just don't know many who can keep it up simply under the power of their own desire. 

To outline this in more basic terms, a sub that will thrive in this sort of lifestyle will most likely get an erection (and accompanying positive mental state) while doing the dishes, knowing that this is part of his submission.  Insert enough stress and the erection fades, as does the positive mental state leading to a decline in performance and guilt over said decline.  The presence of a punishment dynamic can restore the erection and pleasant mental state and steer a sub clear of several pitfalls. 

Something I have kept in mind through my reading is why does the poster feel this way?  I don't know for certain but the strength with which this ideal is stated leads me to believe that the rigidity of this belief has been tempered by a repeated number of submissives that seem to reside in some form of fantasy land where the Domme is some whip-cracking fetish Goddess that wishes to stand over their shoulder making sure the sub washes the dishes thoroughly.  While there may be one Domme in a million that wants to do that, the other 999,999 do not.  I could be wrong... but it tends to feel this way. 

The other aspect that comes to mind is that setting up consequences requires work.  Depending upon the Domme's temperament this can be seen as good or bad and in this case, bad.  In a way, it is like wanting to maintain a strict set of dynamics that are patrolled only by ideals and the sub's desires.  I'm just not sure if this is really possible to be sustainable in the long run.  Now that I think about it, it is this aspect that is probably what gives the most mental resistance out of all.

I also should note that I don't disagree with the author's ideals, I simply look at how that type of dynamic would be maintained over say... ten years.  I don't know many/any subs that would be able to thrive in such a scenario.  They may be out there, they are just rare. 

A new avatar

I guess you could think of it as a "re-branding" of sorts but I am changing my avatar for the first time in 5 or so years.

This one is a bit less flagrant.  Not exactly a major thing.  If anyone likes/hates it compared to the old one please let me know.

For the record, it is a crop of this pic that I posted years ago:

Why I blog

I've been thinking a bit about why I blog.  I definitely write for different reasons now than I did when I started back in 2010.

In the beginning my motivations were rather simple.
Some were from arrogance: I have something interesting to say that other resources do not.
Some were from loneliness: There have to be other people out there that are similar to me.
Some were from frustration: Why is it that hardly anyone else writes about things that get me off?

Back then I would find just enough content to prove it was out there... but never enough to satisfy... never enough to build a community around it.  It felt so isolated.

Now I feel like 10% of my writing is with the intent to be interesting and roughly 90% rooted in loneliness.  Those same motivations still exist on some level... but only one of them really drives me enough to write. 

I can't tell if that comes off as more honest or more pathetic, but seeking others that I can relate to or interact with in some way is something that doesn't happen as often as I would like.

I am very grateful to those who make regular comments.  I struggle a lot inside and it really means a lot to me. 

Last weekend...

This past weekend T instigated a couple of fights that led to my first panic attacks in almost a year.  They were bad and I found myself in a mental space that I really would rather not ever experience... places that are much darker than I care to admit.

I feel like things in our relationship are getting broken beyond repair.  While we can band-aid things it never really stops the bleeding.  I don't know how much more my heart can handle this.

I'm feeling a bit emotionally spent.

D/s and BDSM

It seems the deeper I fall into submission, the less I care for the ideals and principles that serve as the foundation of the BDSM community.  I understand them on some levels, namely that in an environment where one person is empowered over another, safeguards have their purpose.  From my experiences in the BDSM community, it is common for many to play with a variety of partners, often without love involved and in some cases, where the two parties don't know each other very well.

The rules and safeguards are put in place in order to avoid abuse and cautionary tales.  It is easy for a sub to get caught up in the moment and get in over their head.  That being said, I feel like these rules are mostly aimed at Mf and that they occasionally frown upon the development of intense lifestyle D/s dynamics that occur over longer periods of time within loving relationships.

The BDSM community continuously comes up with new terms and protocols towards some of these intense activities but at their core, there seems to be a continuous juggling act of where dynamics stop and abuse starts. 

The 24/7 lifestyle D/s Femdom relationships that are the type that I desire frequently involve intense levels of emotional manipulation and control.  This is, of course, consensual on the level that the sub agrees to go down this path even if it includes a mixture of things they like and dislike.  I can see how these would be extremely dangerous in a casual play environment with great potential for emotional damage.  I am of the type that looks to the long-run... I submit to the one I love with the intent on it lasting forever.

I think that the most pronounced spot that BDSM ideals fail in lifestyle D/s is in regards to what a sub "needs and wants."  For those who have experienced intense depths of subspace, these depths are frequently fueled by having your emotions twisted and turned, your ego crushed, and being put into lose/lose situations.  This creates a disconnect between a sub's rational self and its sexual/psychological self that is rather complicated. 

To give a contrast:
A masochist acknowledges that pain gives them pleasure, so they request and consent to pain.  This is a straight forward situation between both Domme and sub.

A submissive as illustrated above may want to have an orgasm but being denied an orgasm increases both the intensity of their arousal and the depth of their subspace.  In this case the sub has what they rationally want and what they psychologically crave.  A Domme then must read into things and decide if they wish to cater to the sub's rational side or their psychologically submissive side.  This isn't straight forward at all since there is no clear cut "mutual pleasure" to be had.  There is Type I pleasure and Type II pleasure and it is common that both cannot exist at the same time. 

As I have been with some newer Dommes I have learned to encourage them in a different way.  Rather than struggle with confidence on their ability to properly read situations like that I encourage them to just ignore it.  I tell her to do what brings her pleasure and I will feel lucky if I experience pleasure in the process.  If that means she wishes to ruin every orgasm I have for the rest of my life, so be it.  My rational self hates the thought but my submissive self willingly endures.  If she wishes to punish me if every chore isn't completed to absolute perfection, so be it.  My rational self screams no but my submissive self feels this is how it should be. 

Would I ever recommend this type of submission to someone entering the lifestyle?  Hell no.  I would never recommend this without a history of trust and care between both individuals.  Does this mean it is better to discourage this type of relationship since it doesn't work for everyone?  Probably not, but then again it isn't wise to ever underestimate the stupidity of an inexperienced sub on the internet with his dick in hand. 

I guess I just find it difficult to connect with others when we see things from such different sets of eyes. 

It's nice to find something new every so often...