Saturday, April 22, 2017

Click 2017 Part 2

I got asked privately to elaborate a bit more on what goes on internally when it comes to what I talked about in the post Revisiting Click

Basically, I believe that the differences between having a choice and no choice when it comes to obedience corresponds to different mental states and levels of subspace.  How much "you" remains can shift quite a bit as well as fundamental behavioral patterns.  Internally, I think much of it has to do with the level of mental surrender and what that does to your fight or flight response. 

Something I should note is that not everyone behaves purely in a fight or flight way.  Trauma has the capacity to add a third option to the list which creates fight, flight, or freeze and surrender.  You can see this a bit in the animal kingdom, especially when it comes to hierarchies based upon rank in pack dynamics.  Some will fight it out, some will run away, and others will tip over and expose their bellies, feeling helpless and surrendering to the greater power.  I'm not sure if that third response makes me unique or less common, but I consider it to be a core factor of my submission.  The more that I think about it, I have to believe that those who can reach slavespace are likely familiar with this.

To illustrate this with an example, let's say she puts the sub in a collar and instructs them not to remove it.  At some point she instructs him to run an errand.  The sub is aware enough of "self" to probably run through the mental debate of whether they should run the errand in the collar or if they should take it off.  This mental debate implies that their thought process is still very human and what they choose to do will represent which side "wins," their desire to be obedient or their desire to avoid being embarrassed or humiliated.

If she puts the sub in a collar and locks it around his neck, he cannot remove it.  If instructed to run the errand there is no debate of removal, he simply accepts his fate as inevitable.  While he may attempt to hide the collar under a shirt collar, coat, or scarf, none of these are disobedient acts.  Even with the collar hidden, he will be trapped within his mind knowing that he is wearing it.

The primary contrast is debating the strength of his obedience vs. attempting to cope with the unavoidable.  (Yes, I am treating the "skipping the errand" option as a non-option as that is the sort of thing that gets you dismissed).  When given the choice of obedience, the sub's immediate responses fall to obedience (fight or flight).  When choice is removed, the sub's immediate responses are far more likely to simply try to make the best of the situation (freeze and surrender).

I believe that subs grow acclimated to a specific range of subspace as this generally represents the level of consistent control the Domme prefers to exert.  I see the differences in this topic as being rooted in how much "human will" she wants the sub to maintain.  Choice gives the sub the ability to say no.  Removing choice takes that ability away, which leaves obedience as the only option.

I tend to prefer that loss of choice.  It triggers a loss of self and it allows me to reach deeper levels of subspace.  This requires the impulse of fight or flight to fall away in favor of freeze and surrender.  My sense of self dissipates and I begin to see the world differently, in such a way where I desire that which she desires.  I don't think this happens as easily when I still have the freedom to say no.

I have heard of Dommes taking the opposite approach to test a submissive.  If the sub is accustomed to locks, seeing how they will behave the same in the absence of locks.  If the sub is accustomed to the honor system, putting on the locks and seeing how they deal with the loss of choice.  While I can see this being used in small doses, I think this actually pushes the sub in a very uncomfortable way by forcing them out of their normal subspace and into unfamiliar territory.  Flip-flopping regularly will likely keep the sub feeling confused.

In summary, as subs cope with submission, their minds learn to naturally respond to the hardships placed upon them by the Domme.  That method of coping is steered heavily by whether or not the Domme permits them the freedom of choice.  Over time their default method becomes an automatic response.  Locks can help contribute to maintaining a deeper space and train the sub's mind to stop considering the existence of options and steering them down the path of surrender as a natural response.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Revisiting "Click": 2017 Edition

Years ago I remember making a post about how the clicking shut of a lock triggered a good bit of meaning to me.  Back then I remember my thoughts on it were mostly that it made me feel safe, protected, and valued (e.g. you put a lock on an expensive bike).  This pertained to what locks "said" when used in almost any fashion (restraints, collar, chastity, etc.).

This past year I've branched out a lot more and it has helped me to understand a good number of views that have definitely had an impact on how I view things.  My feelings haven't really changed... it's probably easier to say that they have refined themselves as I come to know more about myself within this zany life.

I think the concept of locks vs. the honor system gives a bit of a divide in regards to how people view D/s in general.  I don't think it's too bold of a statement to say that that a lot of subs enjoy the idea of locks.  When it comes to actual practice, there is a split.  To some, it's an alert:  Shit just got real.  Freak out time.  Be afraid.  Run away.  To others, it's calming: She is serious.  This makes me feel good.  I feel comfortable now. 

When looking at the perspective of the various Dommes I have known it is also quite split.  I would have to say that the majority of them find the idea of self-control to be romantic and they want to respect a sub that they can be proud of.  If she says not to masturbate, he won't.  If she tells him not to move from this spot, he won't. He is willing to follow directions without being forced.  The other side are Dommes that hear the click and get invigorated:  Shit just got real.  He's mine now.

I've struggled with this a bit internally over the years.  I love the idea of locks (and yes, I can handle them).  I am also able to exert self-control.  If that is the case, then why do I crave the lock so much?  The answer had swirled around my head for years without ever being able to give a "good" answer for it.  I had gut feelings, instincts, and the like, but never anything concrete.

As I pondered this again today the answer was suddenly glaringly obvious and I wanted to face-palm realizing that it hadn't been something that I had consciously processed until now.  It's not that I can't exert self-control, but self-control is less appealing to me because the absence of the lock gives me a choice. 

If given the choice between following her instructions and disappointing her, I will always choose to follow instructions.  That being said, I don't want the ability to choose.  I want to feel her control as she takes choice away from me.  I like the loss of freedom, it drives my subspace.  I like the absence of options, the inability to disobey, and outcomes that are beyond my control.  I like feeling her control over me, ensuring that she gets exactly what she wants.

While I can do fine on the honor system, I thrive under lock and key. 

I like to think it is romantic that I will submit that deeply to her and show my love. I like to think that when she embraces her control over me that it shows that she cares. 

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The 30 Days are over

Well, 30 days of kink went out with a topic I didn't really care to do:
Write or create a list of whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want.

I sort of defeated the purpose of the prompts by finishing all of them and scheduled them for future posting.  Now that all 59 posts have been completed, I have to think, wow, a lot of these questions made me think of things in some new ways while others forced me to show a bit more of myself than I would otherwise be comfortable doing. 

All in all, I am glad that I did them.  I hope that at least a few people enjoyed reading them and/or learning more about my crazy brain. 

30 Days of submission: Day 30

Is your need to submit being met? 

No.  It used to be, but not currently.

If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? 

I try to make the best of things as they are but the truthful answer is no.  Life would feel unfulfilling without submission.

What makes submission special to you?

Submission is special to me because it resides so dearly in my heart and it is my truest form of expressing my love.  I want my actions to speak louder than words and my intentions to resonate in everything that I do.  This is who I am at the core of my being. 

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Thoughts on Chastity

A post I made recently on my Wordpress blog got a comment that I gave a partial answer to.  I don't think I've written much on chastity in the past year so I figure that might be a topic to revisit.

My older version of writing would probably have taken the pros and cons and presented them in an infomercial-esque way, talking about the potential benefits of chastity in a relationship, and so on.  This time around I don't really feel like going that route and will present it from a more personalized outlook.

The comment I am referring to basically asked if I needed a device to keep from going out of control with my genitals.  That is an easy answer, no, a device is not needed to do that.  There are many terms for male subs that are unwilling to give up sexual control and/or follow the rules of said sexual control through their own willpower... and few of those terms are kind.  If you have been in or practiced a serious Femdom or FLR type relationship, your ability to jerk off whenever you want to likely went away very quickly.  This sort of goes with the territory.

I've always felt that chastity wasn't a replacement for the honor system or self-control, but something that works as part of a control dynamic that one or both parties finds enjoyable. 

I actually enjoy chastity (within reason) quite a bit.  Part of it is because I am drawn to women who really embrace control dynamics.  If locking me up and tucking away the key fuels her Domspace and gets her juices flowing, great!  This serves as one more thing that can be held strictly under her thumb.

One of the things that appeals to me most about chastity is that the sexual frustration is exquisite.  It's very difficult to describe and brings about an entirely new set of feelings, awareness, and emotions.  It's so easy for us to take erections for granted and at inappropriate times we can even attempt to tune them out and/or clear the mind.  Most guys have a pair of pants that makes them more aware of the tent they are pitching during an erection as the pressure of the fabric pushes against the direction your penis is moving.  With a chastity device on, you get that "attempting to pitch a tent" feeling but it can just go on and on and on, providing just enough pressure for it to want to keep trying but it has nowhere to go.  It's pretty much impossible to ignore this when it is happening and that is the source of a lot of other emotions.

There is kind of that natural human impulse to want what you can't have.  Fighting to have an erection that will never happen makes you want to have it even more and/or touch it.  You also become very aware of just how many erection attempts you have in a given day.  You can't just shut it off and time drags while it is happening, fueling both passive and active submissive thoughts.  From a subspace perspective it reminds you of her control over you.  From a loving perspective you will start thinking about her a LOT.  Even if it starts out because she has the key, the thoughts can become almost obsessive and it's quite common to think of things that would make her happy.  e.g. picking up some flowers and candy on the way home from work.

A byproduct of all of this that happens with some women (but not all), is that she will enjoy the idea that you can't get erect that she will go out of her way to get you to attempt an erection.  The extra teasing, sexual tension, and attention can be quite enjoyable and bring the intensity to new heights.

Based upon what I have read and the subs I have talked to, I believe these parts aren't all that unique among subs in chastity.

There are a couple of aspects that are unique to me.  One of which is that I have a fairly libido.  While I enjoy a lot of activities that may be perceived as sexual, I have a fairly low craving for sex and if I had a stressful day or am in the midst of nerding out on a hobby, my sex drive and attentiveness diminish greatly.  A chastity device builds up a lot more unavoidable sexual tension and my cravings and desires tend to grow with it.  It can be a bit of a contrast, going from thinking about sex 0-2 times a day to 20+ times a day by the addition of a device.  It's kind of silly but it's true.

The other aspect is that when my depression cycles up my sex drive falls to virtually 0.  If D/s dynamics aren't going regularly it's common for me to not even have the desire to masturbate for ~3+ weeks at a time.  A chastity device changes that and the awareness it brings tends to keep me in a more positive mental state (subspace) which actually counters a lot of the normal effects of my depression. 

30 Days of submission: Day 29

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? 

Both pain and humiliation play a large role in my subspace.  

What is your relationship to it?  Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

This is rather complicated and these are sort of intertwined so it is probably better to answer them together.

I crave deep subspace.  Both pain and humiliation bring about deep subspace.  I do not desire to feel bad but accept them as the tools used to bring me to the place I want to be.  If you equate it like hitting the red button to send out a food pellet, then yes, I accept my need to hit the red button.  

That being said, I find these to be extremely intimate activities that I only share with the one I love and serve.  They are not meant for general consumption and I will likely behave erratically if used by someone whose contact I do not welcome. 


30 Days of Kink: Day 29

Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? 

Umm, not really.  Generally speaking I have had pronouns that have become default.  K used to call me pet or sissy slave.  F used to call me pet or slave.  T has called me pet but generally uses slut or whore depending upon her mood.  None of these are titles though, they replace my name entirely.

What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

I like titles for Dommes.  Historically titles serve as a status symbol so it makes a lot of sense in regards to role and ritual.

I don't really understand having a title for subs.  It often seems more like posturing when dealing with multiple subs that likely enjoy being titled for their role/status.  I believe the idea of having a name replaced with a number has more appeal to me in a D/s sense.   

Monday, April 17, 2017

Putting the pieces together of my submission's slavespace

I've been writing a lot about the past memories and events.  I've been talking to a lot of people about them.  I've been a bit patient with it, not forcing an outcome but not really content with confusion either.  Some tests have shown that my slavespace does still exist... it just takes a little bit more work than before and I'm still not more clear on whether or not this is a little space.  Thankfully I have my Wordpress blog where I haven't been sharing those posts that gave me an alternate venue to write about it in without seeming like a broken record here. 

Last night I wrote a summary post on WP and I mad the realization that I had been searching for. 
I know that outlining this probably won't be all that interesting for some, but I'm doing it mostly for me.  Also of note, this is not the only way I can achieve slavespace, just the easiest and most common route and the one that I was afraid I had lost.

To get started, it's probably easiest to just rattle off a list of what I call traumatic triggers.  Basically, these are just triggers that are related to the emotional damage that I received while young.  To the best of my knowledge, these primarily include:
  • Sexual humiliation - having my genitalia made fun of or rejected.
  • Being ostracized - feeling like an outcast by (kink) shaming, my appearance, being inferior/inadequate, etc.
  • Being forced to wear women's/girl's clothing most notably of the winter variety and with an emphasis on hats, earmuffs, mittens, etc.
  • Being forced to wear or touch fur.
  • Bondage - especially the type where I am still expected to perform actions with restraints.  This includes anything that I cannot remove on my own.
  • Symbols of control - These can be verbal, physical, rules, ideas, or actions.
  • Outrageously demanding expectations - no rewards for success, only punishments for failure.
  • "Dangled" affection - acceptance must be earned and can be withheld at any time.
Many of these will not send me directly into slavespace.  Some of them will breed resistance more than submission if I am not already in some form of moderate to deep subspace. 

What all of these have in common is that they all bring about anxiety that stems from the fears and pain of my younger self.  All of these have the ability deepen the effects of slavespace and make me more submissive, obedient, and more eager to please.  They all have something else in common: my rational self does not want these things.  When one (or more) of them is forced upon me, it pushes me to accept an unpleasant outcome that is beyond my control, which in turn breaks my will and leads to my surrender.  Stacking one upon another begins to increase the depth of my surrender as I accept a sense of utter helplessness.  These do, however, mostly require an existing level of subspace that is susceptible to being pushed in such a way.

Three of these factors have the ability to bring about slavespace (or at least a very deep form of subspace).  The three that act as the keys are being forced to wear women's winter clothing, bondage, and symbols of control.  It took me a long while to understand why it was these three and not any or all of them that were more effective than the others until I realized that I created these unknowingly.  These were the three that M used in her bondage games: she made me wear a hat, she tied me up, and she gave me a strict set of rules to follow.  Masturbating 1,000+ times while fantasizing about this managed to fetishize this.  Solidifying these triggers were my own fault.

When one or more of these key triggers are applied, my mind buckles and I surrender without much resistance.  The one who initiates this becomes the authority figure and the personification of my surrender.  They become all-powerful and their word is law.  I tremble before them like a frightened child, neurotically trying to please them.  The more factors they introduce, the more anxiety I feel and the harder I try to be perfect for them.  I slide farther and farther away from the self that I know and become that terrified little boy desperately wanting to make her happy.  The erection is because of the fetishizing. 

Beyond those factors, preying on the associated fears will also build anxiety within me.  Often these are verbal phrases like "I like you better this way," or This is for your own good."  In addition to increasing the fear, these types of phrases also validate the fears, and the authority figure becomes the one and only person in the world who would accept me.  I then view them as the only person in the world that matters and the only person that would love me.  The end result is that I am willing to endure and accept anything from them because it keeps me safely within her grasp.  In fact, the more she "ensures" my obedience to her, the more I love her.  I would jump through hoops for her... walk through fire for her... and deny myself any pleasure... simply to feel her arms around me as she tells me that I belong to her. 

This might seem kind of screwed up in some ways but it's the best understanding I can come to about how this works inside.  I'm not even consciously aware of what is happening while it happens... I can only see this in hindsight from an outside perspective.  I'm curious if I could be pushed into this slavespace without these keys but I have never experienced without some of them present. 

I hope I was able to communicate this clearly.  It made a lot more sense in my head but seemed to go a bit more all over the place when I tried to put it to paper.

30 Days of submission: Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? 

Yes.  There have been a time or two where I was unable to get over a mental hurdle and be what she wanted me to be.  This happened when I had hard limits in place but having them made me feel inadequate as a sub.  I would eventually drop those hard limits but I felt bad, inadequate, and inferior before doing so.

Have you ever been criticized for your submission? 

I have.  I have had many aspects of it criticized by others, most of whom felt my "version" of submission didn't mesh with their views of it.  These people were content to throw stones and were not interested in talking about the differences and/or sources of our views.  Usually this has been in regards to being "too submissive," seeing me as a doormat, or calling me misogynistic for how forced feminization is a part of my lifestyle.

I should add that I have been complimented on it more often than criticized.

Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? 

A handful of times.   Mostly in the context of having a very serious discussion about a topic that was important to vanilla life or had a heavy bearing on the relationship and they played the "but you're the sub" card.  It is not a good feeling.

Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

Yes.  I don't err frequently but I am not perfect.  Generally when this happens I beat myself up inside and work like hell on improving and never making the same mistake twice.  It helps me out quite a bit if punishment unburdens me of this guilt.

30 Days of Kink: Day 28

How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

Does naked count as dressing for kink?

To be honest, I don't dress any differently unless it is something that is requested of me.  As much as I can appreciate fetish attire (and I find a lot of it sexy), my history within underground and independent music scenes gives me a bit of a skepticism about "scenester" looks.  When certain things become fashionable the original spirit and message is often lost in favor of appearances and the original purists get lost in a sea of Hot Topic clones.  

When requested to dress a certain way it is usually naked except for collar and wrist/ankle cuffs or in a serving "uniform," which generally involves some horribly humiliating awful forced fem outfit with lots of fur.  The significance to me is that this is how she wants me and I do not want to disappoint... even if it leaves me blushing and wanting to cry.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

30 Days of submission: Day 27

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? 

Two of them exist as fantasies.  The lesbian fantasy where I am displaced as the lover by another woman and the fantasy of extended chastity.  I have done nearly everything else I had ever wanted to do.

Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

The lesbian one doesn't confuse or frighten me all that much and it excites me quite a bit.  It is something that T and I pursued but to no avail.  The short-term prospect is probably more feasible but I'd have to wonder if my submissive psyche would adjust to it in the long-run and find a new level of subspace that I find desirable. 

The extended chastity fantasy terrifies me completely.   I feel like a walking oxymoron that it arouses me.  It's just something that I know experiencing would be rather unpleasant even if my mind and principles can rationally agree with it.  It is PSA for "be careful what you wish for."

30 Days of Kink: Day 27

Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Hooray for vague.  Yes and no?

Being fairly well-read and having seen a lot of movies and television comes in handy.

Having dexterous musician hands helps with... things.

I generally keep my interests compartmentalized and separate.  When I feel submissive I suppress my alpha persona, so there isn't much that bleeds over.