More adventures in chastity: Holy Trainer V2

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote anything of a chastity device review (January 2012).

This past week I was able to get a good deal on a (legit) Holy Trainer v2 chastity device.  Nearly everything I had read about this device has been positive with a handful of gripes about security, which is bound to happen with anything that isn't a full belt or doesn't involve a piercing.

I've touched on it a bit before but I own a Houdini knock off, a CB-2000, CB-3000, CB-6000, and CB-6000S (that I purchased when they made it available cage only).  Also, as much as I hate talking about my junk, this will only be helpful to others if I put it out there.

Basically, every part of my sexual anatomy does NOT want to work with chastity devices:

1. Uncircumcised.
2. I'm a "grower" not a "show-er".  The magnitude is in the realm of 3-4X increase.
3. I have an extremely high and tight scrotum.
4. Asymmetric testicles (one is bigger). 
5. I have a layer of baby fat on my pelvis that has never gone away (even when I was fit/trim).  It is sort of like having the penis sticking through a 1/2" thick pillow.  The base sits below the surface and if you press it down in one spot, the other side will rise.  This skin never "toughens up." 

Combine all these factors together and you have the perfect storm of wasted money and frustration from devices that don't fit.  I enjoy the exquisite frustration of chastity but I have never found something that I could wear comfortably for more than a few hours.  Most of the other experiments ended either with a bruised testicle from being able to pull through in a bad way or if I was able to configure them to avoid that, they inevitably led to wounds on the scrotum or pelvic skin (#5).

I really really really wanted the Holy Trainer to work.

I have only positive things to say about the ring.  Unlike the CB-X000 line devices that have a perfectly round ring, the Holy Trainer's ring is contoured in its shape to actually fit the male anatomy and is very smooth.  If you are new to chastity you will likely get some burn from skin stretching, but, wow, what a difference this makes in the chastity experience.

The cage portion sits at a decently low angle and the gap between the ring and cage is very similar to the CB-X000 line using spacers on the narrower end of the spectrum.  Initial comfort was excellent, but the cage design also ended up being the reason for the device not working for me.

The top back edge of the cage portion extends slightly beyond the back of the ring.  While the edge isn't sharp... it's definitely not rounded and contoured in a friendly way if you have #5.  The end result is that due to #3 and #5 the back edge of the cage does touch the skin and due to #4, it would pull the corner in an uncomfortable way.  The end result is that the skin would actually pull itself over the corner and lead to an unnatural level of pull and discomfort of the skin on that side.  Within 15 minutes the area would burn.  After 45 minutes any part of the scrotum on that side was painful to the touch.  Attempts to "pad" the area just seemed to disperse the pressure and not actually solve the problem.  I'm guessing it was pressing on some nerves/circulation spots.  After ~8 30-minute trials I noticed the skin at that spot was getting very tender and staying that way for a couple of hours after removing it. 

The end result is that it will not work unless I were to heavily modify the cage portion and seeing as the only B I received in K-12 was in shop class, that isn't in the cards. 

In order to give a more complete review I will talk about a couple of other aspects. 

The lock is both amazing and infuriating.  No more padlock rattle.  The locking mechanism sits neatly out of the way.  That is good.  The downside is that to get everything to line up was difficult.  Due to #5, holding the cage in place while trying to get the little insert in perfectly was maddening at times.  It would occasionally flip its tab just as I was about to insert it.  At other times it would go in through 2 of the 3 pieces it needs to pass through but then would not want to make a clean contact into the 3rd section.  I would end up having to remove the cage and reset it.  A handful of other times it would get into all 3, but was just off enough to where it couldn't be locked. 

As maddening as this lock might seem, compare it to a CB-6000 and its 27430928 tiny hard plastic parts that all want to pinch you while you try to get the lock in place and it seems sort of silly to complain about it.  The Holy Trainer V2 is 2 pieces + the lock.  I experimented with a few of the CB-X000's last night and found myself swearing as I dropped one of the spacers and found myself crawling around on the floor with a flashlight for 5 minutes.  Advantage Holy Trainer.

An odd byproduct of lack of a padlock is that the Holy Trainer doesn't have anything that can be used to attach a leash or chain... ya know... in case that ever comes up. 

Overall, I think this is an excellent device... for someone other than me.  Aside from that pinch point I would say this is significantly more comfortable than the other plastic devices on the market that I have used.  Unfortunately that pinch point is enough of a factor to keep this from being a viable option in the long-run.

D/s vs. Codependency

There are times when I wonder if I'm actually codependent.  If you do a search for codependent or codependency it will spit out a great number of results that paint this as an emotional disorder.  Here are a few examples I copied/pasted from the search results:

"Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs."

"Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as 'relationship addiction' because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

"If you find yourself making lots of sacrifices for your partner's happiness but don't get much in return, you might be in a codependent relationship." 

I remember when the term codependent first gained popularity back in the 80's.  It seemed like the new fits all label to describe people who got lost in relationships as well as a way to put them down.

It is strange to try to balance this idea between my submissive and vanilla selves.  During the times that I am single or in the absence of D/s I am a fully capable human being that pursues interests and goals.  I socialize and find things to do.  I fill my time in an attempt to be fulfilled.  I make goals for each day and find meaning in their pursuit.  This sounds anything like codependency.

My submissive self is a different creature.  It exists to make her happy.  It is constantly overflowing with love and finding new ways to express it.  It is odd because those quotes on codependency seem to play off some of the highlights of D/s but then steer them as a bad thing.

I absolutely love the feelings that I get through submission.  I feel good.  I feel useful.  I feel desirable.  I feel like my place is earned on the merits of my actions.  I love her for it... so very much that it hurts. 

I think a lot of views of codependency are that the codependent is not aware that they function this way and has no means of existing in a beneficial way in the absence of a relationship.  I also think this is why the vanilla world struggles with the idea of D/s.  As a submissive I am very aware of how this works inside of me.  In my relationships, it is what we agree upon.

I find the complimentary nature of D/s to be sublimely beautiful.  I am the yang to her yin.  I am the moon to her sun.  The roles are well-defined and known at all times.  I sacrifice my freedom, my leisure time, my choices, and my selfishness for her happiness.  In return I receive fulfillment in knowing that I have made her happy.  I feel happy at being given the chance to love and serve her.  I feel satisfaction at enduring the suffering she throws my way.

I find it absolutely beautiful to look into her eyes and see her desire to control, use, and abuse me as she sees fit.  It makes me tingle knowing she uses her creativity to twist up my emotions and make me unable to resist her will.  It makes me feel warm to know that she will correct me and work to sculpt me to her perfect form.  It fills me with love.  It makes me feel loved.

To be honest, I don't really see what I "give up" as sacrifices.  They are part of the complimentary nature of D/s.  This is what blurs the lines in such a special way.  Do I offer or does she take?  Is she being selfish for her or does that selfishness help us both?  Is she strict because she enjoys it or because it makes me love her more?  Does she make me dependent upon her or was I dependent all along?

I just find the whole thing beautiful.  I love her and offer all of myself.  She loves me and makes use of all that I am.  I don't want it any other way.

Does this make me codependent or do I just know what I want?

Thoughts on Balancing Self

I've written a lot about control over the past few weeks.  It's strange when I delve too deeply into this topic because my mind tends to linger in the deepest parts of my submission... which is very much unlike what a sustainable lifestyle dynamic frequently functions as.

My subspace seems to always want to pull me to its deepest levels. These are the levels where my sense of self fades away and I simply wish to exist to be useful and a source of pleasure.  This frequently has me thinking and writing from a standpoint of total submission and under strict control.  I'm not sure if I write about this side of things because it is more interesting to me.  I know that it's definitely less common to find other people writing about the psychology of deep submission.  It always makes me wonder if this is because few people find it interesting or because few people experience feelings like these.  I receive just enough comments to believe that there are interested parties but I don't find enough on this across blogs as a whole to draw any form of conclusion.

One aspect that comes up quite often is that I realize that my deeper levels of submission are not a good fit for a good number of Dommes.  In a lot of cases it holds no appeal to them to exert control on this level. 

I know that I can exist (and even thrive) under conditions that would squash my sense of self.  To have my personality subdued to such an extent where I become a creature that merely loves and endures.  This has always existed as part of a balancing act and I understand it quite well.  To be an attractive life partner requires the rest of my self to be present at various times.  I'd be boring if I couldn't come up with an interesting or fun idea for what to do, what to eat, where to go, or something to talk about.
  
It is probably healthier for this balance of deep and shallow subspaces to exist.  I have to wonder if the pull to explore the deeper levels are because they are more difficult to reach and they are the level of experiences that I am most starved for.  I can say in that state is when my love is the deepest and strongest it can be... and it's almost all I think about.  I also have to wonder if I downplay my more interesting side because it was never really appreciated before I entered D/s. 

If anything, I should probably state that I am fully aware of the importance of balancing myself between the deeper and shallower states of my subspace.  That being said, my heart still yearns to be completely and utterly dominated.

Slowing down...

It has been seven days since my last post.  I know that really isn't that long but it shows a shift in my daily habits after churning out 20+ posts a week for the past month.  It seems that the blogging community in general has slowed down over the past month or so.  Fewer posts.  Fewer comments.  Fewer views.  The means that are my "fuel" for writing haven't been completely absent but they have definitely diminished. 

I blog and write as a hobby.  While I have several hobbies, I generally focus on one hobby at a time until I get tired of it or find something else that appeals more strongly to me.  I tend to cycle through these, nearly always returning to them but when and for how long varies drastically.  When it is my focus, it's all I want to do in my free time. 

So yes, when I go through spurts of huge amounts of writing it is because during that time, it's all I want to do.  When I get home from work I'm excited to write.  When I'm at work I constantly think about wanting to be at home so I can write.  I scour other blogs for topics that I can comment on and/or that inspire other posts. 

I know that might seem strange to some.  Blogs generally reflect what people have going on in their lives.  When I'm in writing mode, it becomes my life. 

At the moment I find myself standing at a crossroads, unsure if blogging will remain my primary hobby or if something else will swoop in and take over its role. 

I'm not sure but generally when I make posts like these some topics end up finding me.