Thoughts on Degradation

I find that degradation is one of the most polarizing topics in all of D/s.  There are a huge number of people that hate it.  The majority of people who crave it tend to be mostly male subs. While there are female subs as well as male and female dominants that do enjoy degradation, they tend to be the exception and not the rule.

Degradation also tends to be disproportionately represented in Femdom porn.  That is, the percentage of porn including it far outnumbers the percentage of people who actually partake in it.  That being said, those who do partake in it tend to love it and live for it.

The reasons not to do it are fairly clear.  People want to love and respect their partner.  Even if they practice D/s, there is a certain status they do not want the sub to fall below.  This seems to be as much for the dominant as it is for the submissive: they do not want to choose an inferior lover/life partner and degrading them makes it seem that way.  Degradation is also a tough pill to swallow when it comes to dominant guilt.  People don't like the idea of making someone else feel bad, even if that bad is also good.

With that in mind, I tend to wonder why this ends up being such a hot button topic.  The people who are against degradation tend to be very vocal in their opposition of it.  When I try my best to envision their perspective and I keep coming back to the same answers.  One possibility is that they are morally opposed to it.  It can't be both "real" and "consensual" and goes against their D/s philosophy.  The other possibility that may very well have influenced the other part is that male subs that crave degradation are also often the one-handed typists that project their fetishes onto others and may frequently contact Dommes and try to get them to engage in fetish role-play of this sort.  The end result is an absolute souring on the idea of it so that it goes beyond a "your kink is not my kink" situation and turns into a "damn, the people who want this are total douche bags," thing.

I struggle a bit to give myself honest feelings on this topic because I have been programmed to avoid it.  Truthfully, I love the concept of status inequality.  It drives my submissive mental space wild.  It gets pushed to its maximum when it happens in both directions, e.g. when it is emphasized just how far above me that she is and it is also emphasized just how far below her that I am.  They aren't the same thing.

If people wish to remain ethically and morally safe, it is much easier to build a dominant up and exaggerate how much more important they are than the average person.  This falls within the realm of compliments that are individualized to them and a bit of behaving as if people are not equal and it is important to treat our "betters" with respect and reverence.

Degradation falls on the other side.  It's sort of interesting because I think that mild forms of degradation happen quite frequently.  If a dominant says, "remember your place," it is a phrase meant to humble a sub and let them know that their words or actions are not consistent with their position.  It reminds a sub that their position is inferior and they do not carry the freedom to express themselves in the same way that ordinary people do.  I don't think people view, "remember your place" as degrading, but that is exactly what it is.  I know a number of subs that respond favorably with their submissive mental space to this phrase.

It is a fine edge to balance upon... the concept that "I am above you and you must obey me" and "you are below me and you must obey me" are actually different things.  It seems that people tend to use them interchangeably when the implications are mild.  It goes south for many as soon as the sub starts being called a worm or a maggot and some expulsion of bodily fluids displays the dominant's contempt (spit, urine, etc.).  Honestly, those stereotypes are such an extreme example that the actual message gets lost.

I don't think that it is bad or wrong for a dominant to consensually define a sub's status relative to the dominant or the sub's place in the pecking order.  I find it quite appealing actually and erotic.  However, the concept of deciding what a sub is worth and how much value they have is incredibly degrading.  Does that make it bad?  Not inherently.  There are plenty of ways that this can lead to an enjoyable and rewarding dynamic.  I think too often the term gets equated with abuse and/or philosophical ideals that clash with the concept.

They're Here

One of them arrived late but they are here:

A little lonesome

One of the hard parts of serving as a mentor or teacher is that once people grow beyond the need for you, that contact inevitably fades.  When the topics that were once the center of the connection are no longer relevant, I struggle with feeling like I’ve fallen out of place.

In some ways this is my own fault.  I tend to cycle through interests, with one serving as the primary at any given time.  Normally I would have something going on like a show to watch, a book I am reading, a guitar I am in pursuit of, a video game I’m completing, etc.  Right now my hobby is blogging and its related interactions.  Sadly, this doesn’t give me a lot to really talk about… outside of the topics that are going on for myself or what the people I am close to write about.  It doesn’t really leave a lot of “extra material” for me to talk about.

This is one of those times where I feel a little lonesome.

My Needs vs. Desires

If you view BDSM as a part of your sexuality it becomes a bit blurry to try and evaluate what is a need and what is a desire.  As my mind drifts deeper into submission over the years, I find myself seeing fewer things as needs and more things as desires.  I also find myself feeling more guilty about wanting my desires to happen but more certain about wanting my needs to be met.

My needs have become fairly simple:

1. I need to know that I am loved.
2. I need to feel my submission respond to dominance

I don't consider this to be a very tall order.  I have to believe that a Domme I am with will feel okay with making sure these needs are met.

Just about everything else I now view as a desire.  Desires are optional, but it is nice if they happen.  That being said, they do not NEED to happen.  My sexual pleasure falls into this category.  My dignity falls into this category.  My leisure time falls into this category.  My freedom and independence also fall into the land of desires.

In most D/s relationships, I wouldn't have to worry too much about these desires being met.  Most of them would probably happen a lot of the time.  This is healthy.  This is the way relationships "should" be.  At the same time I feel a bit guilty for "wanting things" that do not directly benefit a dominant in some way.  I feel guilty for wanting anything beyond being pleasing to her and my own needs. 

I scare myself because I find myself drifting deep into the "what if?" realm.  What if my desires became truly optional?  It isn't that hard to envision a sadist wishing to deprive me of my desires and using it as domspace fuel.  Even if the specific topic in question does nothing for her, the act of depriving a sub of what they want may do something. It isn't too hard to picture this.  I can see a dynamic where the pleasure of serving her and having my needs met become my "rewards."  What if she deems the pleasure she receives from denying me more meaningful than anything that could be "gained" out of granting me my desires?

The prospect of this drives my submissive mental space absolutely berserk.  This is when I start to wonder why my penis has shit for brains.  At the same time I wonder, "what if?"  Would this make me miserable in reality or would the depth of subspace overwhelm me and help me thrive?

The "what if?" tugs at me... and makes me wonder if I am stupid to even think about this or if there is a chance that I would end up with this sort of sadist at some point.   In any case, I can't help but be scared at how far my brain goes down the rabbit hole.

Evolving Views

I was thinking a bit about how my D/s views have changed since I started blogging back in 2010.  One of the biggest changes I can trace back to 2016, when Lady Grey recommended that I write in a more personal voice.  Before that, the majority of my writing had been of a more detached nature:  educational, informative, conceptual, comparative, etc.

I kept a lot of feelings bottled up as I hadn't really healed up from a lot of the pain of losing K until I wrote my Reflections sets of posts and faced a lot of my trauma and sadness head on.  You might say that was the first time I really had the courage to expose myself openly on my blog.  Since then, I have had very little trouble sharing openly and I have to say that it significantly changed the tone of my posts.

I no longer sound like I'm trying to sell something.

Another factor is that when writing from a more personalized viewpoint is that it's easier for me to call myself out on my own bullshit.  Many of my views have shifted to be more practical and real in that way, with less posturing, less idealism, etc.

One of the scary things is that my personal desires and ideals keep on evolving.

It's interesting how they have evolved beyond what I would recommend for others. I may talk about that more today.

Chastity Ramblings November Edition

As I was doing some Christmas shopping on Amazon and signed back up for Prime, I decided to buy a Holy Trainer V2 knock-off that included all 4 ring sizes.  My experiences this past year with a Holy Trainer V2 as well as the metal devices I purchased since then have taught me even more about my anatomy.  Also, I know that with $23 invested, I really won’t worry too much about making modifications if I deem that I can’t get it to fit.  I also was happy to be able to try all of the rings to know for sure and not have to spend $50-60 each.

I have learned that I am larger than I thought I was.  My previous experience was with the Holy Trainer V2 short tube, which is smaller in both diameter and length.  When wearing a “trapped ball” chastity device and attempt an erection, every part of your penis that is not inside the cage will in fact get erect.  While the short cage’s length was probably a better match to my flaccid state, I was finding that I was getting “bottle-necked” where the base of my flesh met the tube.  While the tube diameter is only slightly larger with the standard cage, it reduced the discomfort by quite a bit.

What I am getting afraid of is the same problem I am having with the steel devices I bought as well as the CB-6000:  The largest ring is slightly too big, the next biggest is slightly too small.

Moving up to the 50mm ring size on the HT V2 pretty much eliminated the discomfort caused by the back end of the tube digging into my flesh.  After wearing it for about 5 hours and needing to make a trip to the grocery store, I decided to continue wearing it.  This was a terrible idea.  At some point a nut “wedged” in between the cage and ring and every step I took made me want to scream.  The problem is that I couldn’t find something and I ended up having to lap the store twice.  Quick pocket attempts to discreetly adjust it proved worthless.  By the time I was done I was dripping with sweat from the pain and feeling like I was going to throw up.

I have had this happen with other devices and it seems like I used enough lube to get movement but not enough lube to allow it to freely readjust itself.  I will have to keep experimenting with this as reaching down my pants and tugging my balls isn’t something I can do in a public setting.  Worst case, I may have to go with the 45mm ring and file down a 1/4″ of plastic at the back of the tube.

An Intro to F/m – Part 6

It’s becoming harder to come up with things that contrast the differences between M/f and F/m… mostly because things aren’t really all that different as a whole when it comes to D/s, but partly because I’m feeling like I have knocked out a number of misconceptions already.
One that I haven’t confronted yet is role comfort.

While it is true that there is always an adjustment period for newer dominants and submissives accepting their choices of lifestyle, the adjustment is often very different with M/f and F/m.  By adjustment period I’m not referring to the learning curves of each role and the common pitfalls that befall them e.g. dominant guilt, sub frenzy, etc.  What I am referring to is the mental hurdles involved with accepting your identity as a dominant or submissive.

While feminism and awareness of other gender and sexuality-based prejudices has become the norm in modern society, the expectations of gender roles at home and in the bedroom tend to find odd balances.  While men are expected to be more in tune with their emotions and help around the house, their ideal form is still that of a manly-man that can take charge when needed and be the pillar of the home.  While women are expected to be independent and motivated, they pursue an idea of equality without ever really knowing what that is supposed to look like.

It is still deemed socially acceptable for a home to behave under a patriarchy and for the man to be head of household.  The feminist version is for their to be an equal balance of power and a “team effort” in steering the ship.

Sexually, while muscular and handsome remains the ideal male and along with the mainstream success of works like 50 Shades of Gray, it is pretty safe to say that idea of dominant manly-man/submissive woman in the bedroom is well within acceptable social bounds.

The end result is that with M/f people tend to be pretty comfortable with their role when they partake in this lifestyle (even if it does take them time to come to terms with the kinkier side of things).  In some cases there will be very little adjustment for D/s that moves beyond the bedroom walls.
If you notice, the socially acceptable options are patriarchy or equality.  There is no matriarchy option nor a long-standing reference towards a female head of household.  There is no sexual ideal of a woman taking charge in the bedroom and jumping a man’s bones.

The societal view of a sexually submissive male is that he is weak and pathetic (if not impotent, inferior, etc.).  The societal view of a man that wants to defer decision-making to his wife is that he is pussy-whipped and lacking backbone.  The societal view of a woman that wishes to take charge is that she is a selfish bitch.

F/m has a lot more layers that people have to work through to reach a comfort zone.  People have to buck the trends that a lifetime of conditioning and programming have instilled.  They often feel screwed up, broken, perverse, and the like, and this goes for both parties.

Dominant women tend to have an easier time accepting the role as society has granted them the freedom to be strong and aggressive.  They can also use logic to support their desire for dominance:  no one would argue with someone who simply says, “I like getting what I want.”  It still takes some time to get there.

Submissive men have the most difficult time finding comfort in their role.  There is nothing really out there that says that it is okay to be this way.  The associated guilt and shame often lead to fetish development, which makes accepting their needs even more difficult.  It is easier in today’s society to come out as gay than as submissive.

What this means is that when you find a couple that is obviously or openly F/m, you KNOW they are absolutely certain this is what they want.  They had to wade through decades of programming and societal expectations that do NOT cater to them.  They chose these roles and embraced them.

When I think about it, I believe this also plays into the idea that F/m relationships tend to be more intense as well.  It took a lot of work for them to get there and when they do, they jump in with both feet.

Monday Ramblings

It’s been a very odd stretch for me, seeing as how I have basically come to the discovery that I’m not really a sissy.  That being said, my submissive triggers remain just as strong, I’m just starting to understand more about what they are, where they came from, and what they do to me.  It is rather amusing though, that being called a sissy remains a trigger to me, most likely because I never wanted to be associated with the term.

As my depression sets in for the winter I have found myself blocked from easily accessing submissive mental space.  This makes me ache.  Today while feeling down and searching for an X-mas present for T I ended up stumbling upon some hats on Amazon that I hadn’t found before while searching.  I ended up buying them and now I feel guilty and ashamed as I usually do when making purchases of this nature.

Something that goes back to my time with F is that she didn’t want the fur and material colors to match perfectly.  She liked it better when the fur would stand out more and make it more obvious that I was a pathetic sissy boy in fur.  Old habits die hard and one of the “selling points” of these hats is that the fur pom poms are removable, which should also make them interchangeable… and truer to form (these are some bad photoshops of what they should approximately look like).

I do have fur earmuffs that should match with either color to complete it.

I feel sort of sad and pathetic that this is where my unmet needs and down mood took me (even though this is my first purchase on this front since 2011… still).  The fact that I need something like this to obtain the feelings that I desire fills me with shame and self-loathing.  Thankfully I have a friend that is dear to me that helps me feel better about it, but I still can’t help feel like I’m something less than a man.

On the upside, I did hold out enough restraint to stop at those two and not delve into a color scheme that we never accumulated much of over the years.

And to think… it’s only Monday.

An Intro to F/m – Part 5

Blah Blah, Disclaimers, this is a series, etc. etc.  There may be some rehashing of stuff found in earlier parts.  My apologies if this seems redundant but it was answering a specific question.
A friend of mine asked me about tenderness in F/m relationships and I think that is a really idea to write about as there seems to be a perception that there isn’t the same kind of loving tenderness in F/m as there is in M/f.

I understand completely where this perception comes from.

First and foremost, people outside of F/m don’t go looking for F/m info or resources, they tend to “stumble upon” F/m content which may or may not be representative of things as a whole.  This generally ends up being incidental porn or the occasional blog or blurb.  When things are forgettable, people tend to… forget them easily.  People remember what stands out and what stands out is often burned into their brain.  Basically, people who stumble upon F/m and remember it generally remember something fairly extreme that falls well outside of their comfort zone.

People remember the permanent chastity devices, the swollen and bleeding marks from a flogger, the cuckolding humiliation, and the like.  These dynamics can often seem hateful, or at least, needlessly cruel.

There are some dynamics out there where the Domme doesn’t respect the sub.  The sub is a tool to be used.  The sub shouldn’t expect pleasure as the Domme will most likely deny it.  The Domme may displace the sub in favor of a “more worthy” life partner but still keep the sub in two to perform the mundane tasks.  She doesn’t treat him as an equal.  He is treated more like a servant and probably ranks below a pet animal.  Yes, lifestyles like this do exist.  They are a visible minority.

What gets lost when forming a judgment about these dynamics is that the extreme lifestyle likely caters to the sub’s fetishes.  He would not allow this if he did not want it.  He would not allow it to continue if he did not enjoy it.  In most of these cases it probably took the Domme months or years to feel okay about it.  At the start she most likely felt devastated and like she was losing a partner.  When you see these, they are part of a slow evolution to getting there and both parties agreed to it.

This doesn’t answer the question of the absence of tenderness, but it does acknowledge that there are relationships where tenderness doesn’t exist, just as you may come across M/s M/f situations where there is very little, if any tenderness as well.  It’s easy to write those off as a minority when you are looking through a sea of M/f blogs.  If I had to make an estimate, the number of married F/m relationships where the Domme has lost all respect for the sub as a man is probably less than 1% of F/m.  It probably makes up closer to 10-15% of F/m blogs.

Another factor that contributes to this is that there are so very few F/m relationships with any dynamics that someone might describe as “enabling.”  You won’t find a slew of blogs where the sub leans on his dominant for daily guidance and life structure.  This just isn’t tolerated much in F/m and so you really won’t find may references that leave you thinking, “wow, what a caring dominant.”

The majority of F/m relationships have plenty of loving and tender moments.  There will be plenty of cuddling on the couching, binge watching Netflix, date nights, and romance.  The majority of F/m relationships have D/s that ranges from bedroom only to mildly outside of the bedroom.  She might hold final say, like a head of household relationship, but in most cases his input is expected and appreciated.

There are a lot of hours in the day and how important dynamics are at any time may fluctuate greatly.  At some times they will probably be very important and a focal point.  At other times they will probably be very relaxed (even if respect or titles are still required).  Those who partake in 24/7 know that this doesn’t mean “dominance all the time,” but it can mean “dominance at any time.”  Most Dommes don’t wish to be dominant more than makes sense, aka only as much as she enjoys to be.

When you think of where a loving life partner works its way into the equation, you can be pretty certain (that for most people) there will be far more tender times than cruel ones.

The relationships wher tenderness seems absent are a very small but visible minority.

Mindfucking - Revised

Missy made some comments on my last post that made me realize that my definitions given in it were indeed lacking.  I had tunnel-visioned a bit on its humiliation aspects and missed another side of it entirely.  Later I will go back and make notes on that post about its incompleteness and hopefully represent it better here.

I’m not the type to delete posts, but I am the type that doesn’t mind admitting when they have been wrong.

I painted the wrong type of picture in that last post as ideas got crossed up in my brain and what seemed like it made sense ended up missing the boat a bit.  I will try to cover it as clearly as possible.
Mindfucking is virtual.  It is the act of triggering feelings based upon fear.
You can mindfuck in varying ways including but not limited to:

• Fear of humiliation or embarrassment.
• Fear of pain.
• Fear of an unpleasant outcome.
• Fear of an undesirable act.

Wielding it requires convincing the sub that they will be forced to experience something and the thought or anticipation of it brings them anxiety and/or anguish.
I have seen mindfucking be done in multiple ways.

1. The sub is informed of what will happen and it never comes to be.
2. The sub is informed of what will happen and then something else happens in its place.
3. The sub is informed of what will happen, allowed to stew, and then have it actually happen.

An example of #1 could be slars being told she would be forced to wear a llama suit out in public and then having it not happen (as I mentioned in the last post).  Missy also provided an example of being told that a punishment would be carried out with a very harsh instrument and then having it not happen.  In these cases there was never the intent to actually do them and the focus was upon the fear and anticipation.

An example of #2 could be telling a sub that a very huge anal plug was going to be inserted into them but then when out of view switching it for a smaller plug without telling them so they don’t know what is going inside of them.  Another example was done by my blogging friend Miss Lily who would wheel out a cart with a brand and a torch and tell them they were going to be branded.  She would then blindfold them, activate the torch for a bit and then press into their skin with a piece of metal that had been in the freezer.  The body’s initial reaction struggles to differentiate heat vs. cold and they think they are being branded but in actuality are not.

#3 doesn’t really require examples but the sub being informed of the intent is meant to increase their level of anguish leading up to it.

While these activities can be fun for both parties, pushing the sub too hard with the mindfuck can also lead to unintended negative results.

Humiliation vs. Mindfucking

EDIT 11/20/17:  I have come to realize that a lot of what I wrote in this post is wrong.  I have since written a revision in hope of correcting it.  I am leaving the rest of this post as is since people still might find it interesting on some level.

Missy left a comment on my last post that got me thinking it would probably be worth differentiating mind-fucking from humiliation.

If I had to differentiate them, there are a few ways I would go about it.  One, I believe that all mindfucks involve humiliation, but not all humiliation is mindfucking.

Humiliation is an internal event.  It is something you feel and it is created in your own mind.  If you meet someone who is truly happy-go-lucky and carefree, they are difficult to humiliate because they are able to turn their “give-a-fuck” off, which blocks the humiliation process.

Humiliation is mostly rooted in observation and perception.  If you humiliate someone, you make an observation or perform an action that causes an internal stirring within the target.  In most cases this involves words or actions that are symbolic of something else.  Even if the action is physical, e.g. pulling down their pants in public, the act of pulling their pants down doesn’t cause them physical harm, the intent would be for them to experience the reactions from others that cause embarrassment within themselves.  As an example to how this affects individuals differently, if you can imagine pulling down the pants of someone with a 12″ horse cock, they might just stand there and act proud of their trouser-snake.  Thus, it only works when it makes someone feel uncomfortable because they have insecurity about the part of themselves that is being (figuratively) exposed.

Taking a non-physical example, announcing to a group of people that a guy truly has a 1″ when erect penis (and this is true) would be humiliating because it is unlikely that he will be comfortable admitting to that due to society’s views on masculinity and sexual performance.  This would probably be only slightly less damaging than actually getting pantsed in front of those people.
Mindfucking, on the other hand, is an active exchange in which humiliation is used to achieve a desired end.  In this case, that desired ends are increased submission and arousal from the sub and increased dominance and arousal from the dominant.  Basically, a mindfuck isn’t just humiliation, it is humiliation with a purpose.

One aspect of mindfucking is that it can be pretend.  They don’t have to be actually experienced.  They can be part of a process that puts the sub into a state of fear and embarrassment about what COULD happen.

In continuing with my example of using my blog readers as examples, yesterday Lars and slars had a pretty good example of a mindfuck that involved the fear of humiliation/embarrassment more than the actual.  Lars got slars a llama pajama onesie with a tail and then convinced her that he was going to force her to wear it to church.  The fear of this potential event is enough to send a sub spiraling through a massive array of emotions based solely upon the anticipation of humiliation.  I thought it was a pretty good mindfuck but she might beg to differ.

Going back to the example about Mr. 1″, if a Domme told him that she was going to tell everyone at a party that he had a 1″ erect penis, that would be a mindfuck.  She could build off of it by saying that if people didn’t believe her that she would make him drop his pants and show everyone as proof.  She could take it further by saying if he wasn’t erect that she would make him stroke it in front of them until it was.  She could take it further by telling him that he had to answer honestly any questions others might have and that she would answer honestly any questions they might have as well, e.g. if someone asks her if that is enough to satisfy her she would tell them no and that they needed to use other means to do so.  She could take it farther by telling him that if any of the ladies wanted to touch it, she would give them permission to.

In this scenario, nothing has actually happened but the Domme has managed to mindfuck him 5-6 times.

So… mindfucking can involve actual humiliation or merely play off the fear of humiliation.
Again, this is a skill that tends to flow naturally for a dominant and those it doesn’t appeal to often struggle to see it as part of a dynamic (they often see it as abusive).

Emotional masochism, humiliation, mindfucking, emotional sadism, etc.

My last post brought in some comments that made me realize I should make a clarifying post to better describe how the interplay works as well as where boundary lines fall. I have written quite a bit on humiliation, most recently I wrote something for Nora a while back at her request.

First off, some definitions (these won’t be thorough):

Emotional masochist – someone that achieves arousal or sexual gratification from experiencing emotional “pain.”

Emotional sadist – someone that achieves arousal or sexual gratification from inflicting emotional “pain” on someone else.

This should be at the heart of why people engage in these activities. The emotional masochist gets turned on by it. The emotional sadist gets turned on by it. Everybody wins. This is the line between abuse and play. I am assuming it occurs in a consensual D/s environment.

It is very difficult for either party to admit to liking this. An emotional masochist may experience turmoil about it because the associated feelings aren’t “good,” but the outcome is that they feel submissive and aroused is “good.” Similarly an emotional sadist may feel like an abusive bad person for enjoying this dynamic. I file this under: “I don’t like this, but I like what it does to me.” It works.

Effective humiliation and mindfucking work in one of two ways:

1. Things you know to be true but hold out some hope that they are not true.
2. Things you know to be untrue but hold some doubt that maybe they are true.

There is one more key principle that keeps humiliation and mindfucks from being abusive: They are not rejected or dismissed because of it.

Looking at #1, imagine a 5’ tall male. He probably has a long history of being rejected for being too short (e.g. sports teams, women, etc.). The truth of it is that he is short. You can try to convince him that he isn’t short or is in fact, tall. You can try to convince him that height doesn’t matter. He already has a “truth” in his mind that is set in stone. You cannot convince him otherwise. Words that disagree with his reality sound like lies.

If you tease him about his height, anything that is consistent with his view of reality will be effective. However, choosing not to reject him for it brings about a peace that can only occur when his reality and the events going on agree in harmony and all of his fears about why it matters are placated. “I am short, she thinks it’s sad/funny but still chooses to keep me.” Basically, it validates his insecurities while keeping his fears at bay.

This example has been wholly non-sexual, so I will give some examples as to how this might work in a D/s environment.

• “I like that you are short because you don’t have to go as far to have your face between my legs.”
• “If you were taller than me, people might get confused as to who is the submissive.”
• “Having a tiny servant is convenient, it must make it easier for you to clean all those hard to reach places.”
• “I would let you be on top, but you have to be at least 6’ tall to ride this ride.”
• “I’m usually attracted to tall men, but it amuses me that you try so hard to make up for it.”

Looking at #2, I am going to use HeartsHope as an example because she has blogged about this recently. She has written about during sex or play that HD will tell her that she’s a dirty slut and occasionally will make her say it. This triggers a battle of cognitive dissonance because she doesn’t want to believe that she is a dirty slut, but the emotional turmoil turns her on, so she questions her reality and fears it may be true. By having to say it, the turmoil is increased because it validates the claim and the fear. Is she really a slut? No, she doesn’t go sleeping around with tons of people. Does it create a storm of conflicting emotions that increase arousal and submission? Yes.

Basically, these methods are a system of mind games that tap into fears and insecurities as a means of increasing the intensity of submission.

People tend to love this or hate it. You can pick up a lot about a dominant’s style based upon their enjoyment (or lack of) when it comes to humiliation and mindfucking.

I hope that this clarifies some things.