Dominance as a Meta-Fetish

Author’s note:  This will probably be my last serious entry for a while.  I realized today that I had hit the mania phase of my depression cycle and that has driven a few of my recent blog posts.  During these times I have a tendency to overstate some things and make an ass of myself.  The downside is that once I leave mania I tend to sink into a pretty deep downswing.  I think I was able to “catch it” in time and channel it in my last post on “deep submission,” hopefully steering me clear of the worst of it.  I am feeling fine now but I have taken the internal note that I should write when I feel like writing and not grasp at straws trying to write simply to express the mess going on inside.

End note.

I had a rather striking breakthrough realization today.  It is probably the most important step in understanding the nature of my submission since I entered the lifestyle.  It answered about twenty thousand questions that had been lingering within me and my outlook is a lot clearer now.

The concept that has granted me solace is Dominance as a meta-fetish.  That is, while a varying number of activities are able to act as subspace triggers and cause sexual arousal, it is not the activity itself but the symbolism of those activities that are of greatest importance to me. 

Failing to truly grasp this caused a lot of confusion over the years because I was never quite certain what was going on at the essence of my submission.  It also explains why such a wide variety of activities appeal to me on some level.  I have often said, “I hate it, but I love what it does to me.”  I feel like it should have been clear then but it seems that I just didn’t see how the pieces fit into the puzzle until now.

If a sub has a fetish for Dominance, what I mean is that their peak response is to the symbolism of power exchange.  They will respond to activities that (A) increase the power of the Domme, and (B) make the sub more vulnerable.

This is an interesting fetish since it seems to cover both giving and receiving types of activities.  The sub may appear as if they have a fetish for service-oriented submission but their actual response is to status inequality and fear of punishment.  They may appear as if they have a bondage fetish but the inner draw is her control over him and his helplessness before her.  They may appear as if they have a fetish for forced feminization when the inner draw is that she has the power to make him dress how she wants him to and his status requires him to comply no matter how unpleasant it might be. 

I’m sure on some levels someone might read this and feel, “well duh, this is common sense.”  There’s been many cases where I described these reasons for specific fetishes, but I have yet to really hear from anyone who is drawn to pretty much all activities that fit the A + B archetype.  Like, you’ll find bondage enthusiasts that do not respond to any more intense activities.  You will find sissies that respond to cross-dressing when it isn’t forced.  You will find subs that respond to many “receiving” activities (such as play) but respond to very few “giving” activities (such as service). 

This is why I find this unique in a way.  You will find many that respond to some activities, but very few that will respond to pretty much all activities. 

I think the other separating point for subs with a fetish for dominance is that the greater the symbolism of power exchange in an event, the stronger the submissive response.  I believe this is why some subs will crave cruel treatment yet still wish to be loved by their Mistress.  The greater the cruelty the, greater the display of A and B, the deeper the sub falls into subspace, and the more he loves his Mistress. 

If you believe in my theory of D/s escalation (that repetition gets ordinary which requires new, more intense activities to trigger the same feelings) it makes complete sense why subs seem rather insane at the intensity they crave. 

This brings me pretty much full-circle back to the reason I started blogging in the first place.  I am not so much a sissy, I just crave the display of power exchange of being forced to wear a humiliating uniform while serving my Mistress because it amuses her. 

The Deep submissive

There exists a submissive type that is a bit different than most.  I call them the "deep submissive."  These types of subs are usually easy to spot but are easily misinterpreted and misunderstood.

The deep submissive is an interesting one because they display characteristics of several different submissive types but seemingly all at the same time.  They often display the yearnings of a service submissive, the devotion and selflessness of a slave type, but still have the sexual desires of a fetishist.  The difficulty in understanding them is that they may display some of the characteristics of a different submissive type but they are usually fundamentally different in their motives and often don't share any other traits with that type.

At the core of the deep submissive is the intense need to please and obey the woman he submits to.  To say that he would do anything for her probably isn't too large of an exaggeration.  However, he is not a doormat.  He has a strong sense of self and lots of creative energy, he just focuses himself intently on her needs.  He is also willing to change himself if it will make her happier.  He has the ability to adapt and will act independently when it is appropriate or submit to strict rules and guidelines when that is appropriate.  Basically, he doesn't need to be told what to do but if he is told, he obeys to the T.

His fetish is for actions and symbols that display power inequalities and his devotion to his Domme.  It is highly likely that simply wearing her collar will arouse him since it is both a proud symbol of ownership by his Mistress, but also a symbol that he is below her and exists to please her.  He responds well to rituals and actions that make him feel connected to his Domme and these too will probably arouse him.  There are a few activities where he may respond with arousal in a way that gives him the appearance of having a fetish for the activity, when his arousal really comes from the display of power by the Domme over him.  These may include but are not limited to:  CFNM, forced feminization, chastity, restraints, corporal punishment, pegging, and protocol restrictions.

In many cases the line becomes so blurry that a deep submissive won't even know why he is responding sexually to the activity.  He may mistake the activity as the fetish rather than his response to the symbolism of the activity.  What is so interesting is that this deeper connection can make him respond sexually to a very large number of activities, even ones he finds unpleasant or strongly dislikes.

Deep submissives tend to love their Mistresses with a very intense passion and these types of subs are usually married to their Dommes.  They are kind of a Swiss Army Knife of the submissive world.  They understand the roles they must fill in her life and can adapt at any time.  They are a friend, lover, confidante, servant, plaything, sex slave, and whipping boy all in one.  They can easily converse with their Dommes on topics of shared interest, they have a sense of humor, they want to share rewarding life experiences with her.  They will respond to her beck and call with gusto, submit as her source of amusement, pleasure her sexually, and are willing to suffer for her.

It is sometimes difficult for a Domme to understand what makes a deep submissive tick (for the same reasons deep submissives may struggle to understand).  They key is always to look at the symbolic nature of the activities and there's a very good chance that the stronger the display of power, the more connected the sub will feel and the more he will become aroused.  Another interesting result is that the farther a Domme pushes a deep submissive's limits, the stronger his love and devotion to her will grow.

Deep submissives are complete people but may appear incomplete or desperate if they are single.  It is easy for them to become depressed or agitated when single because they have so much love to give that they feel lost when there is no one there to receive it.

Why more women should practice lifestyle D/s

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Ethics vs. Choices

Throughout the internet you'll find many discussions on "appropriate" levels of BDSM intensity.  There are numerous inclusions of what constitutes consent vs. just pleasure, what is okay to do in reality vs. play fantasy, and the like.  The views are often shaped by the background experiences of the individual (especially those who have been active in a formal BDSM community), but it seems regardless of a person's experience level, there are many who will share their opinions whether their bias is based on experience, logic, ethics, or fantasy.  The greatest levels of D/s intensity generally come under the greatest scrutiny.

The world history of oppressed and oppressors, the slave trade, etc. give ample firepower to those who wish to condemn or speak out against relationships with a high degree of power exchange.  Is this really a fair comparison?  I believe when people cannot picture themselves enjoying a certain lifestyle there is a tendency to condemn it.  The great and over-riding difference between power exchange and history is consent.  The power differential is not based upon wealth, skin color, religion, religious decree, race, gender, class, caste, or birth.  A Domme doesn't come into existence like a Queen or Tsarina, she isn't born into an existing oppressive power structure with the ability to abuse power merely through title and standing.  Her power structure is created when another agrees to fall below her in the heirarchy of the world they create together.  This is a might difference.

A sub isn't dragged into his situation kicking and screaming.  While he may kick and scream for different reasons later, at some point he made a choice.  While I would like to say he enters "with his eyes wide open," in many cases it's with his eyes half open (yes, this is a reference to men who squint when they masturbate).  I have often been told that a Domme that arouses a sub in manipulate him sexually and make him agree with something he doesn't really want is doing something wrong or unethical.  A case can be made for both views on a personal level but I tend to feel if he "can't help himself," he is still responsible for his choices.  A frat boy pillow talking a girl with low self esteem into bed with sweet sweet lies is considered responsible for his actions.  A sexual predator seeking the object of his desires and acting out his twisted fantasies is also considered responsible, even if he did it because he "couldn't help himself."

I find it to be an odd double-standard when men follow their penises and some are seen as helpless victims and others as rational beings pulled along by sexual desire.

I also find it odd when people view a Queen abusing her servant in the same light as a couple who choose to live like a Queen and servant.  The notions of power by birth and power by consent are indeed very different subjects.

On a side note, I feel that woman's ability to sexually manipulate a man into certain choices isn't an abuse of power.  If men were meant to be able to resist feminine charms, our intelligence wouldn't cut in half when we get an erection.

Taking submissive Inventory

About once a year I tend to go over my thoughts on submission. It can clear things up in my head and it's interesting to compare from year to year how my thoughts change and how many things stay the same. It usually stays relatively static but the importance of each thing will shuffle around. Here goes this year's.

The most important factor in being a good submissive follows the same principles of being a good lover: make her happiness your greatest priority and things will generally turn out well. If your actions and impulses reflect this principle you are in good shape.

This does not mean to become a boring sycophant that just goes along with anything and everything. Be someone worthy of being her life partner.

On a personal level be someone that stimulates her intellectually and emotionally. Be interesting conversation, have a sense of humor, and be able to share things with her that are something unique that only you can offer. Have a personality but do not argue with her.

On an external level be someone she is proud to be with. Be polite, respectful, courteous, and chivalrous . Pay attention and know her body language and visual cues. Be mindful of your surroundings. Be the man that other women will wish they had.

On an emotional level be someone that makes her feel special. Be attentive and a good listener. Be affectionate and open with compliments. Do not let your stubborn masculinity and self-consciousness get in the way of a phrase, act, or gesture that may bring her joy. "I didn't say it because it sounds cheesy," is a weaker man's excuse. She is your Queen. Make her believe she is a Queen.

On a physical level be mindful of your appearance. This does not mean to be vain or shallow. It does mean that there are certain things that she holds a preference for and be mindful of these preferences. If she likes it when you are clean shaven with well kempt hair and nails and dressed in a manner that she finds attractive, this is how you should present yourself to her. Staying in shape and eating right are a plus for the both of you. "I wish you would [insert action here]," should not be in her vocabulary. You should know and have already done that for her.

On a submissive level remain focused on what pleases her. Conduct yourself in the manner she deems most fitting of your position. If she is happy, horny, confident, and proud that you are her submissive, there's a very good chance you will get the kind of activities you also enjoy without having to ask for them.

She is the special one. A submissive exists to make her feel that special all the time.

(After writing this I realized I completely skipped over any sort of romance/romantic gestures.  I guess I have failed there).