Early experiences struggling with sexuality.

Back when I was younger, before I entered the lifestyle my sexuality was a complete mess.  In the years between M and K, I was completely horrified by the fact that normal porn didn't do it for me.

When I first started touching myself, it was mostly rubbing my crotch through the top of my comforter.  It was so different from the ways people would joke about masturbating that I didn't even realize I was masturbating.  I just know that I was erect and that it felt good.  This progressed slowly over time and I would instinctively stop if I felt myself getting too excited.  I think it took a couple of years before I lost control and ejaculated.  I was always fantasizing about M, or about a scenario with an anonymous woman that partook in acts similar to what M would do with me. 

By the time I started ejaculating regularly, a few things terrified me.  First was that the type of masturbating I would do wasn't anything similar to the act of sex.  Second was that while my friends were becoming perverse horn dogs, I didn't get erect by the same types of things.

While I find a nude female figure to be very visually attractive, it wasn't just the breasts, the legs, or the ass that did it for me.  While I would play along with the "yeah, I'd hit that" or "nice tits" type of locker-room behavior, I knew deep down it was only an act.

I saw women as being a little bit intimidating.  While I was friends with many girls, I could never picture myself "ravaging" them... I respected them and wanted to care for them.  In my fantasies I never made the first move. 

This made dating very awkward as guys were supposed to make the first move.  Asking for permission to kiss them was a turn off... an attractive male would take them and kiss them.  I wasn't supposed to ask how it made her feel... or if it was the way she likes it.  I was supposed to mind read and know all of those things based upon signals.  I know much of the problems were related to the fact that deep down I couldn't believe that she would want that from me.

I really didn't have any serious sexual relations until K, so before that, it was maybe some kissing, light petting, and the like.  I always felt horrible that I didn't get an erection from kissing a girl.  The two things that "did it" for me were her smell or the fantasy that would swirl in my head.  I kept those thoughts to myself... as a buried secret that I never dreamed I would tell anyone about.

In the fantasy, she was M.  She would hold me down and have her way with me, guiding me in how she wanted me to behave.  I would love and cherish her for being there with me... noticing me... making me feel like I mattered... that I was okay... that she accepted me.

Somewhere in the midst of that internet worked its way in.  I remember early on searching for pictures of women in fur and envisioning them as M.  After I discovered NTCWeb everything went into disarray.  All of a sudden fur and Femdom were mixed... and even the pictures and stories that are read that were too extreme... I tried to ignore them... tried to pretend I never saw them.  If I collected any pictures, I would only save Femdom pictures if the Domme was wearing fur... I somehow could stomach that... "because she's in fur, and that's sexy."

My "fantasy M" evolved.  She became my whip cracking fur Goddess that did all the old things and more.  By this time, masturbating made me so ashamed that I wanted to die.  Standard porn did nothing for me.  Looking at women in bikinis did nothing sexual for me.  I felt broken... ruined... and if I managed to find a woman to love me, I would forever keep this buried secret.


I felt hopeless until I met K. 

Today's Blurb

I can't help but be frustrated at my inability to complete a coherent post.

I think a lot of it is stemming from how "starved" I feel at the moment.  I'm currently severely lacking in the emotional intimacy department in addition to craving kink that just isn't going to happen anywhere but my mind.

It all just ends up feeling like a mess inside. 

Views on Acceptance

I had meant to write this yesterday but a water-based emergency in our living situation completely derailed my day.

Writing about identity the other day got me thinking about why and how varying identities conflict with what I am able to accept about myself.  I believe that a lot of this relates strongly to the D/s lifestyle in general but can affect each party in a different way.

From a mental health standpoint, I know that it is healthy to accept myself.  In a perfect world I would embrace the submissive parts of myself, cherish them, and be able to thrive with them.  Unfortunately our world is far from perfect.  Many of us have deep-rooted issues pounded into us over time that make accepting certain things about ourselves nearly impossible. 

e.g. I feel worthless.  Rationally, I know that I do indeed have at least some worth.  Deep in my core, the self-perception that I am worthless never really goes away... it merely fades away during moments when I am doing something that provides "worth" and it's gone in an instant.  There is nothing that anyone can say that will make my heart believe otherwise.  I know this is unhealthy and irrational, but it is for better or worse, ingrained into my psyche.  It provides motivation where I am intent on proving those feelings wrong... but when the days is done and I am alone in my thoughts, the doubts remain.

Somewhere along the line I came up with a solution to all of this that has had mixed results, but as an ideal it is something that I can live with.  I gave up on accepting myself.  I merely seek acceptance from the one that I love.  When I place such weight on the views of another it is calming because it always feels honest and true.  No matter what beliefs from society or myself may say, it's what she believes and feels that is my truth.

I will be the first to admit that this is probably a horrible way of thinking but it's about the only way I have found solace in this world and if not for it, I likely would have shuffled off this mortal coil years ago.  I don't really think I have to point these out but I will anyways but this train of thought is unfair:
-It is unfair to me because it gives her an unsafe amount of power over me.
-It is unfair to her because it puts undue pressure on her to take care of my emotional well-being.

That being said, if she accepts this willingly and incorporates it into our every day dynamics it works quite well.  While it is potentially unsafe for me to roll along with it, no one has ever questioned the depth or strength of my love.  While from the outside looking in it may appear unsafe, it actually fills my heart with gratitude.  She saves me from myself... from my demons... and becomes my angel.

I show her my thanks in everything I do. 

Going back to accepting identities... the world would not accept me as a sissy, I do not accept myself as a sissy, but if she accepts me as a sissy, everything is okay and I can manage with it guilt free.  As she accepts me and all of my magnificent flaws, I love her even more for it. 

In many ways I believe this sort of view creates a sense of dependence.  I won't comment on whether I believe this is good or bad, but I believe it drives power in favor of the Domme to make a sub feel like he is acceptable to her, but unacceptable in general.  e.g. "no one else would want you except for me." 

Personally I do not mind being trapped by this... as it drives me to behave as if she is the only one in the world that I am meant to be with.

As I have conversed upon this subject with other kinksters over the years I find it noteworthy that I hold a double-standard in my mind when it comes to this subject in regards to Dommes.  I always encourage Dommes to accept themselves and embrace all of the quirks and kinks that make them unique.  I often approach it from "this is the way things should be" point of view... as if the world should conform to their image. 

I'm not sure exactly why I do this, but it is probably partly because of how much self-acceptance affects self-confidence and self-esteem, which I consider to be core characteristics of a Domme.  Another part that definitely comes to mind as to why this works is that as I've written in the past, I believe that being dominant is wholly rational.  It is rational to get what you want.  It is rational to want others to do what you want.  It is rational to have freedom and choice. 

Now that I have written it out, it seems obvious to me as to why my feelings easily accept the differences. 

So many of my feelings are irrational or make sense only when looked at in the long-run.  It makes sense that I'm fucked up and my psyche is in shambles because of the experiences that I have had.  I guess the problem is that the long run is a result... and not something we can simply choose to change or have a simple event trigger a drastic shift.

I really hope this made some sense.  Yesterday I had an idea outline in mind for this but I feel like it deteriorated with my exhaustion today.  Normally I would trash this post without hitting publish but I'm not going to do that.

Recent Feelings

Around now is when I sort of wish I was able to get back to my old-style detached and analytical self.

For the time being I will continue to write and try to break through in some way.

Unfortunately my daily feelings as of late have been pretty terrible.  The demons are back, but the impulses are still mild at this time... maybe 5-8 times a day... which isn't enough to be worrisome but definitely enough of a factor to sap me of my energy and drive unless I have plans set in advance.

Basically, it's taking all of my energy to keep my head above water.

I'm continuing to blog as I can although the content will probably feel a bit lacking... as I figure it is better for me to keep trying regardless of what comes out as opposed to just going dark until this wave passes.

A big thank you to those of you who are continuing to read and leave comments.  If not for those I would be feeling quite isolated.

Feeling closer

I do feel like I'm getting closer to being able to "write for real" again.  The feelings inside are starting to resonate in a harmonious way again but I'm struggling with the lack of privacy in the absence of D/s interaction with T.

When she doesn't take part I tend to feel guilty for still wishing to explore my submission.  I don't know exactly why this is but it is definitely this way for me. 

I have attempted some "body language" cues that haven't received a response and that is probably her way of saying "still not interested."

I probably shouldn't feel guilty if that is the case. 

In my mind I am chasing that next dynamic that I wish to explore in writing... I just haven't found it quite yet.

A sea of thoughts: Identity and Fetish

I have come to believe that some of the things that tend to push my submissive buttons the most have to do with identity... how I view myself and its place in the world.

Once I entered into the lifestyle everything proceeded at such a high speed that it wasn't long before these things came into light.  The reading and research I did for K at the start played a big part on this as well.  By the time I had just scraped the surface in my experiences I already had a full book of knowledge in regards to the lifestyle and its perceptions.

I believe most people entering the lifestyle (or dealing with fetishes) struggle with the concept of identity.  Some embrace things and thrive.  Others struggle with it and can be trapped by it.

submissive was the first term that was used to identify me.  I accepted this term from the outset and was okay with it.  It implies a lot but doesn't carry any severely negative connotations.  It acts as a base descriptor of who I am in a relationship.  Basically, I still feel relatively normal if I describe myself as a submissive.

The second term that began to flow into things was slave.  While old guard traditionalists may draw a distinct line between slave and submissive, I believe in many lifestyle relationships this identity occurs by way of the Domme moreso than the sub.  It can often be used as a term of endearment or "title" during play, but once the word slave creeps into a sub's head, it begins to change things.

The most obvious is the perception.  I have "outed" myself to many vanilla friends as a submissive and when I explain what that is, they do not bat an eye.  "Oh, interesting.  If that makes you happy, great."  If I were to change that to "I am a slave," I have to believe their view would change completely... all of a sudden this is something horribly abnormal rather than just slightly different but still within acceptable parameters.

Secondly, even if it isn't a symbol of TPE, being a submissive implies a voluntary role with the scales tipped in favor of the dominant.  Once slave is introduced, something symbolic kicks in inside my brain.  Gone is the idea of mutual pleasure.  As a slave you cease to exist as a human.  You now focus only on her and if she chooses to grant pleasure, you are a lucky slave indeed.  This was the first of several identity hurdles I had to clear over the years.  I can't say I've become perfectly comfortable with it... as this is something I might only use when speaking with someone that is "kink aware."  It is not for public consumption.   This greatly affects my mindset while serving.  As soon as "slave" pops up, I instinctively become more docile, more obedient, and a little bit afraid.

After K brought dressing into the mix, I was horrifically terrified to be labeled as a sissy.  My reading had brought the stigma to light and it was something I wished to avoid.  The term is still one that stirs me at the core of my being.  I do not wish to identify with it.  My blog and usernames were chosen in order to help me grow accustomed to this term.  6 years later and I am no closer in my quest to be more comfortable with this identity.

As the road that led me to this place seemed to parallel my interests with fur, while there is a lot of overlap, there are some interesting differences as well. These differences explain in some ways why there are many submissive fur fetishists out there that secretly relate to the related topics I have covered in the past as well as those that might seem similar from the outside but do not line up very well at all in reality.

One thing that startles me in a way is how comfortable people get with identifying themselves as fur fetishists but how uncomfortable they are identifying as submissives.  It's like... coming to terms with one used up all of their courage so that there was nothing left to confront the latter.  While not all fur fetishists are submissive, a very large percentage of them do share submissive desires that they keep hidden.  Personally, I find it harder to admit to being a fur fetishist than a submissive.

Another oddity is that sissies are rare in the fur fetish community.  It's not that they don't exist, it's just that those with that identity are a tiny minority, even among those heavily into dominant women, bondage, and humiliation.

As you may well know, somewhere in the realm of 90-95% of the fur clothing out there is designed for women, which inevitably means that unless a fur fetishist is rolling in money, they likely end up wearing a good number of women's fur items purchased as either accessories or coats on the 2nd hand market.  This in itself is a bit interesting as many are fine with this while others carry guilt over it and struggle to accept it.

The next identity line (the one that keeps the sissy descriptor limited in this scene) is that of a cross-dresser.  Technically, if a man wears women's clothes... that does imply they are a cross-dresser, but it seems that there are those that draw a firm line in the sand from an identity standpoint as to whether or not they choose to identify with this.

One stage deeper falls those who would go by transvestite, but there are far fewer of these than people who associate as cross-dressers.

I don't really mind labels or identities on anyone, I mostly find them interesting in how they affect us personally.  If anything was to strike me as odd from the fur fetish community it is the number of straight, non-submissive fur fetishists that actively wish to bottom in a kinky way regardless of the gender or sexual-orientation of the top.  It seems through fetish they are able to ignore the identities of bisexuality and submission and return to their "normal" state after completing a scene.