Sunday, October 23, 2016

More from the Early Years

Well for some reason I seem to snap out of writer's block whenever I share something horribly embarrassing from my past... so here goes...

I wrote a bit about my play habits in my youth in my reflections posts and a few others.  Something I tend to keep as a buried secret but falls important into my D/s development is closely tied to the G.I. Joe toys I played with as a child.

This is my fourth attempt at writing this so I will try to skip the history lesson but I will provide a
quick summary of the two sides.

The good guys: G.I. Joe.  The heroes of the line.  All unique and highly skilled individuals capable of great things against overwhelming odds.  Diverse in race and gender. 

The bad guys: Cobra.  The villains of the line.  With the exception of a few leadership characters they are all nameless rank and file with covered faces.  While superior in numbers they are always defeated.

While this was a toy line, comic book, and cartoon series in my youth, it has haunted me a lot over the years.  I mostly played as the Cobras since I thought they "looked cooler," but deep down I know that my own sense of being treated differently for my physical appearance made the idea of having a face hidden from the world was actually appealing.

In addition to her normal bondage games, M would occasionally play with me with my G.I. figures.  She would choose to be the good guys and state openly that "the good guys always win."  She would then proceed to defeat and capture my characters and then lead them around as her prisoners.  M would tire of this (it usually took about 5 minutes to reduce things to this state) and would frequently return to the others at this point.  On a handful of occasions she would decide she wanted to play it "for real" and she would tie a scarf over my face like a mask and bind my hands so I could be her prisoner. 

As I continued to secretly crave attention from M, the play style that she started became common for me in private.  The female characters in the toy line were all badasses.  While I had to keep it secret to avoid ridicule from my friends, my Cobras were all commanded by the Baroness:

It's probably no secret that this ended up developing part of my Femdom allure as I grew up... being commanded by a powerful woman in a black leather catsuit.  She would command absolute obedience but then sacrifice the others to escape when things went south. 

What complicates matters even more is another character.  I'm unable to pinpoint just exactly when the whole fur thing came in and made things even more complicated for me, but this didn't help:

I'm not really sure but this uniform just doesn't seem all that imposing.  When I would play in private, this character was me.  I would be bossed around by the Baroness until I would be captured by M:

This made me feel severely screwed up for a long, long time.  I continued to secretly play with these for several years after "I quit playing with toys."   It was a huge source of shame for me.  To make things worse, it bled in as I continued to fantasize about M over the years. 

I believe this is the source of my inner-henchman.