Saturday, March 25, 2017

My Thoughts on D/s and Depression

Apparently in the past week I seem to be bothered by more and more of what I read.  I can't tell if it's me being overly sensitive or frustration with people making generalized statements that only apply to a portion of the population but in a way that presents it as if it is the only way.

The other day I read a post about "do not use BDSM to treat depression."  To be honest, I mostly skimmed it (I did not want to get overly invested and frustrated after reading the first few paragraphs) but what I gathered was that it was a cry out against submissives using post-play endorphin rushes to combat depression.  In this case it is seen somewhat as a drug of abuse vs. attempting to deal with what is going on inside of them.

While there is a demographic out there that I feel this is applicable to.  People that go have sex with a stranger when they are feeling down.  People that binge eat when they are feeling down.  People that get high when they are feeling down.  For those people, yeah, I will agree that running out and having a play scene probably isn't a great means of coping, just as the other choices I listed above aren't great methods of coping either.

That being said, I disagree with the force of their statement as it tends to lump all types of depression together as well as what people choose to do about it.  I've honestly never met a bipolar person and had them recognize that they are in a downswing and rationally sought out a play session to get good feelings.  If I could reword the overall message it would be: "Do not exploit BDSM as a drug of abuse."  I believe that statement applies in a general sense.

I know why reading this was enough to set off my red flags.  It is because when I talk about my own depression, at some point I will be forced to defend myself against someone's judgement who has taken this stance in too literal a fashion... and is unwilling to delve deeper.

I have a great deal of difficulty separating "the effects of emotional damage" from "depression."  As one of the 15 therapists put it, I have many reasons to feel sad and my depression magnifies the sadness.  I tend to equate the ghosts of the past haunting me with depression.  While it may be a chemical imbalance that triggers it, there are reasons behind the sadness.

I don't just feel bad.  I feel bad for specific reasons.  Life has torn holes in my heart that have never fully healed.  I have worked my ass off to overcome them.  I have tried burying them, medicating them away, drowning them in drugs and booze.  I have changed myself, the way that I live, how I go about things, and so on.  Eventually I reached a plateau that I have not been able to surpass.  This is my limit (so far).  I am imperfect.  I am flawed.

The holes in my heart resonate with feelings about me.  I will be abandoned.  I am worthless and undeserving of love.

As much as I battle this with my brain, it feels like scribbling with chalk over words that have been carved in stone.  They will seem clear for a while, but time and climate eventually wash it away, leaving only what lies beneath.

Over time I have learned to channel this pain into love.  Rather than merely accept the words, I fight against them, constantly proving myself and making them untrue.  Each "victory" is only temporary, if I stop fighting for an instant, only what is carved in stone remains.  I fight and I fight and I fight.  I will earn her love and loyalty.  I will earn my sense of worth. This is my ongoing battle that I fight with every ounce of strength that I possess.

D/s is my sanctuary because it carves new tablets for me to focus on.  Her happiness is what matters.  her will is what matters.  These newly carved words bury the old and silence their ache.

When my depression kicks up, the demons are barely an annoyance.  I don't care what they have to say because she is all that matters.  D/s is my anti-depressant.  It is my source of meaning.  It is what saves my soul.

I have to wonder what the people that truly know me would think on this subject.  Would they tell me not to use BDSM to combat depression?  Or would they tell me that I've managed to make something beautiful rise from pain and suffering?

I like to believe the latter, but if I'm wrong, I hope they will let me know.

30 Days of submission: Day 5

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? 

I have been in D/s relationships.  My current relationship was D/s, but isn't at the moment.

Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? 

I have been in three.  Four if you include a woman that "trained" me few a couple of months in the time between K and F.  She was more of a sub/switch than a Domme but she enjoyed kinky play and I was hurt and lonely.  I will not include her in the future answers.

How were they the same? 

All of them were loving.  All were D/s from the start.  All of them involved domestic discipline to correct my behaviors.  All of them twisted my enjoyment of fur into forced feminization to humiliate me.  All of them kept me in a submissive state whenever possible.  K and T were fairly new to the roles.  F was a veteran but new to being able to "unleash the beast."  All three had learning curves and periods of doubt and growth.

How were they different?

K was 1 year older than me.  F was 25 years older than me.  T was 12 years older than me.  I'm not ageist but it made a difference in regards to what we did outside of kink.  K was a strict micro-manager that held a lot of beliefs on principle.  F was a very intense and strict sadist who was also a female supremacist.  She wanted me to worship her like a Goddess while I was a lowly slave.  T was more drawn to particular activities: domestic discipline, anal play, etc. and she functioned better in this way than lifestyle D/s.

What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

I don't ever really feel unique if that makes any sense.  People on the outside said we were unique but mostly because of the depth of our love and my devotion.  Apparently the other couples we came across weren't accustomed to seeing a submissive male who could adapt to a mindset of service and shed my external desires.  I don't see this as being unique really. 

30 Days of Kink: Day 5

What was you first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t yet had that first time write about what you hope to have happen.

This was with K.  I was chained down to the bed on my back, spread eagle, with each wrist and ankle fastened with a leather locking restraint.

She explored my body with her fingers, lips, and tongue, seeing which parts responded in which ways and what she enjoyed.  My nipples were very responsive to her touch.  I was blushing constantly and lost in a sea of head spinning insanity.  This was my first time naked in front of a woman.  I was afraid she wouldn't like my body.

As she grew more aroused she began kissing me deeply, plunging her tongue into my mouth and consuming my soul.  She didn't speak much, mostly just made sounds and noises and I had to try and read what they meant.  About half way through she gave me an instruction.  She wanted me to be vocal and loud.  I was not permitted to hold back in my moans, whimpers, and the like.  It turned her on.  This was very embarrassing for me but I wanted to make her proud.

She edged me a few times with her hand, continuing until my moans got loud and then would abruptly stop, leaving me whimpering and humping the air as she laughed.  A firm slap to the thigh signaled me to lie still.  One of our agreements in principle was that I was never allowed to cum before her and that I had to earn release.  

She mounted my face several times.  I was allowed to kiss and lick her pierced clit but only a bit.  She wanted to get more aroused rather than climax to that.  After a while she released one of my hands and I rubbed her sex while she was next to me, toying with my body.  I made her orgasm several times.  

We cuddled together for quite a while after, her hands still exploring my body.  My orgasm was delayed until that night.  She had me masturbate while she watched and played with herself.  

It was a good day.

Friday, March 24, 2017

A tiny speck in a great big world

Today I had a reminder at just how tiny F/m must be compared to M/f.

A fairly popular M/f domestic discipline blogger posted a link to my new Wordpress blog last night and my traffic there boomed today on a magnitude of 4X my largest viewed day and 9X my average daily.  I'm grateful for it, but wow.

It is my second largest traffic influx ever, with the first being when Lady Grey made this post last year. 

I suppose if I ever wish to return to the golden days I will have to go back to doing caption drawings.  I saw someone refer to "caption pictures" as "faptions" last night on a blog and it made me laugh. 

I'll just keep plugging along like always.

30 Days of submission: Day 4

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? 

I have an alpha face with big muscles and sharp fangs that I use nearly every day when dealing with the outside world.  In regards to relationships, no.  The closest I will get is to stand firm on a decision or opinion even though I know that the final call is not mine and my disagreement may have consequences.

If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? 

Umm... not sure if this is the "textbook definition" of DD or if it implies relationships with domestic discipline.  Assuming the latter, I am expected to be able to function as a human being that goes to work, makes decisions, and the like.  I am accustomed to handling finances and budget as well, but I would be willing to give this up if there was trust.

Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? 

No.  While my mind can come up with ideas that are sadistic, I do not get any sexual arousal from wielding power over someone else.

If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

I have been asked.  I could go on and on about how it doesn't feel right, isn't the real me, etc. but the actual truth that makes me certain I am not dominant is the fact that I cannot get an erection while in that head-space. 

30 Days of Kink: Day 4

Write about any early experiences that, in retrospect, hinted at your kinks.

You'd think that after sharing these several times already that I would feel less embarrassed by now.  

After a few years of M's bondage games I began to crave her contact.  I would guess this happened at around age 10.  I would never admit to this nor did I try to make it apparent.  I would just... hope that she would come and find me and secretly I think I would look forward to her tying me up.  

Around this time I began to "resist" a bit more and the outcome was tighter bonds, stricter control, and more physical contact.  If I continued to put up a fight it would end up with her mounting me and holding me down.  When she was 13 and I was 10 she was over a foot taller than me and could easily overpower me.  I secretly liked feeling overpowered.  

As much as it makes me blush and feel ashamed to admit it, I began to crave the smell of her.  The winter hat that was pulled down over my face and the scarf used to tie it in place were always hers and gave off the odor of fruity shampoo and adolescent perfume.  She always smelled sweet.  

Outside of M there were some distinct hints when playing with my G.I. Joe figures.  Around this time my solo play became having the female characters capture a male character that I associated myself with and would hold them captive and keep them controlled by tying them up and/or incarcerating them in some way. 

Because I'm an evil turncoat: Smarch Madness

I'm an evil turncoat and just couldn't resist this.  Revisiting the big takeaway posts reminded me of a suggestion that I made on Lady Grey's blog back in 2010 about a possibility for dealing with the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.  AKA March Madness.

Smarch in this case is not the fictitious month of a Simpson's Halloween Special, but submissive March Madness.

This idea popped into my head as it seemed fitting for the tournament and thinking about ways in which, following/watching any of the tournament might actually be worse than being denied watching/following the tournament.

Since I am aware that not everyone is familiar with it...
The NCAA tournament begins with a field of 68 teams that play through a single-elimination tournament to determine who is the national champion. 
It consists of several rounds:
1. Opening round:  8 teams play a single game each (4 games total) and the winners are granted entry into the standard 64-team tournament bracket. 
2. Round 1: 64 teams, 32 games. 
3. Round 2: 32 teams. 16 games.
4. The Sweet 16.  16 teams.  8 games.
5. The Elite 8.  8 teams. 4 games.
6. The Final Four. 4 teams.  2 games.
7. The National Championship Game.  2 teams. 1 game.

One thing that is extremely common is for people to enter betting pools where they attempt to pick the outcomes of every game before the first game is played (or before Round 1 is played).  If you have known an adult male in the past 25 years, there is a VERY strong chance that he has taken part in these.  The bracket looks something like this:

I was actually very successful with these and have won quite a few of them.  While some of it is luck, the people who have followed the basketball season have a much greater knowledge base going in.  Knowing who is hot and who is struggled.  Which teams suffered major injuries to key players.  Which teams present matchup issues for one another.  The 5/12 upset history, and so on. 

A key factor in this is that the farther you get into the tournament, the fewer people there are truly competing in the betting pool as people who have chosen teams that got eliminated early are pretty much out of contention by the time you hit the Elite 8.  This is the source of the true torment that I will get to in a bit.

I'm actually tailoring this with Karl in mind.  I'm sorry, Karl.  I am a turncoat.  If you ever read this I hope that at least you'll agree that this is a pretty twisted way to go about the NCAA tournament for a sub that enjoys watching it.

The "Game" of it:
The sub fills out their bracket predicting the outcome of every game in the tournament with rewards for correct choices and punishments for incorrect ones. This can be done at the field of 64, or with the opening round to make it more difficult. 

There are varying ways to go about this and I'm sure there are sadistic folks out there that have a better way to spin this, so I will generically say "reward" and "punishment" as I don't have anything specific in mind.

Basic form - Choosing the correct outcome leads to a reward.  Choosing incorrectly leads to a punishment.  The early part of the tournament frequently has a high success rate due to the seeding system.  The later part of the tournament relies heavily upon how accurate they were in the earlier rounds.  e.g. if they reach the Final Four and they predicted all 4 teams incorrectly, that means they automatically lose those 2 games plus the national championship game.

Since the early games are much easier to have a high success rate than the later ones, the games from each round could be given a weighted value.  (It is common for someone knowledgeable in college basketball to correctly predict ~30 of Round 1's games). 
Opening Round Games - 1 point each.
Round 1: 1 point each.
Round 2: 2 points each.
Sweet 16: 3 points each.
Elite 8: 4 points each.
Final 4: 8 points each.
National Championship Game: 16 points.

With this system, a correct pick would earn positive points, and an incorrect pick would earn negative points.  The goal would be for the sub to finish with a positive score. 

This could also be spiced up a bit by adding point spread/margin of victory and/or total score. 
To use margin of victory they would have to guess by how many points the winning team will win by and comparing it to the actual outcome.  This could easily become very painful, especially where they pick the winner incorrectly.

Predicting total score is basically adding the scores of the two teams together and comparing it to the prediction. 

In both of these cases there could be an error bound, but it seems a little bit more wicked to make them predict it perfectly with punishment for any mistakes.  Since there are exact numerical figures in play it might be interesting to use these for a spanking count or number of minutes spent in uncomfortable bondage.

A potential "reward" would be that any game played where the sub correctly picked the two participants... they get to watch.  I'm sure it would make things more interesting when they have a truly vested interest in the outcome. 

Going perfect requires correctly choosing the outcome of 67 games (63 if you ignore the opening round).  I have entered hundreds of these bracket pools and went a perfect 63/63 one time and a half a dozen 62/63's... back when I was heavily following college basketball. 

This is my bit of evil that I share with you.  It's too late for this year, but next year maybe?

Thursday, March 23, 2017

An absolutely perfect depiction

I found this today in a tumblr feed.  It is the closest depiction of how I feel that I have ever seen.  The original post can be found here:

30 Days of Submission: Day 3

How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? 

Well, I'm happy that this question is directed at me personally and not a general question.  

I find my answer to this to happen on three fronts:  Sexual, Emotional, and Rational.

Sexually, I know that I am at least a bottom as I just can't get aroused from being a top.  I know that this isn't necessarily a great answer but I've learned over time that it's just how it is for me.  The more controlled and tormented I become, the greater my arousal.

Emotionally, submission just feels right and some of this is due to psychological damage.  I look to others for my sense of worth.  I am accustomed to having to earn love, affection, and attention... and have experienced having it withheld.  I am accustomed to being punished for my mistakes... and sometimes at random.  D/s just brings me to a natural state.  Rather than struggle, attempting to develop false confidence, I submit and allow myself to become the person I am good at being. 

Rationally, I have a sense of inferiority.  While I know that I am a good, fun, and interesting person, I have been rejected so many times that submission is something I came to on its own.  In order to be someone worthy of love I sought to become the perfect lover... caring, attentive, and devoted.  I developed this before I knew what a submissive was.

How do you feel when you express your submission?

When I express my submission I feel an incredible amount of love flowing through my entire being.  Love is what I think about.  Love is the motivation behind my actions.  Love flows through every bone and muscle as my actions display my love for her.  

It is peaceful and the world makes sense.  I have no regrets or insecurities.  I feel like I am the best version of myself.

30 Days of Kink: Day 3

How did you discover that you were kinky?

Oh this one sucks.  I would probably have to split this into two parts that I can actually answer.

"How did you discover that you were a freaky pervert?"

This one happened during adolescence.  This goes back to M's bondage games and what became my sexual fantasy: I would masturbate fantasizing about being tied up and mounted by her.  She would tell me exactly what she wanted me to do and show me the right way to do it.  She would control me.  I was hers.  

I think it took me two years to realize what I was doing was masturbating because it was by rubbing myself in a certain way through the top of a quilt rather than the traditional hand hump.  I think it was around age 14 when I realized that I wasn't getting erections from breasts, porn, etc.  While I definitely have what I think is pretty and what I am drawn to, there was no sexual response.  

For me to get aroused I had to choose a person and either create a story around them in my head or see something that was similar to the story in my head.  The scene in Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone ties up Michael Douglas comes to mind.  I was 13 and got an erection from that.  By the time I realized just how different I was, I buried it completely like a well-guarded secret.  I had experienced shaming too many times before to feel safe trusting ANYONE with it.

"How did you learn to accept being kinky?"

I accepted being kinky when K approached me.  When it was clear that I could be a freaky pervert and find a woman who was into that.  It was like my deepest hopes and dreams were answered.

Reluctant Dominance Part 3

Because this horse isn't quite dead yet...

Thank you everyone for the comments so far.  As my thoughts and feelings continue to process and settle, I realize just how much effort I have gone to in order to avoid making this post seems like it's going at a couple of individuals.

The reality is that it's what I would say to some of them if I cared to attempt communicating with them again, which I do not. 

Large chunks of the previous posts on this included descriptions of the women that I felt were justified in feeling like dominance is a favor.  That may have muddied things a bit, but I try not to make general statements without covering "both sides." 

I shall still avoid dragging this person through the mud, but I will simply say that my attempts at asking about their belief structure weren't met kindly.  When I asked for an elaboration I got the "being dominant is doing the submissive a favor" attitude.

I like to think of myself as a pretty decent guy and a pretty decent sub.  I like to help people.  I like learning things.  I like getting to know and understand ideas that are different than mine.  I like making new friends. 

In this case I basically saw someone that looked like a good and interesting person with a few beliefs that seemed to be blocking them from finding success.  They are searching for a sub/lover.  While I am not searching for a Dominant, it was clear to me that a few of these beliefs were going to make their search absurdly difficult.

I figured a dialogue would either give reasons for those beliefs.  Some beliefs are reasonable if their frame of reference is understood.  With none given it felt a lot more like posturing and a 3-horned unicorn hunt as I do not believe that the average submissive would be capable of handling what they laid out for longer than say... a month.  A doormat might survive, but they were wanting much more than most doormats have to offer. 

So... I had attempted to help but it clearly wasn't welcomed. 

I will close this with my final feelings on the subject. As much as I favor a woman in complete control, as much as I can handle my freedoms being taken away and my pleasure denied, as much as I will suffer for someone's amusement, and as much as I will sacrifice in the name of love, I don't think I would ever feel safe offering my submission who didn't value it. 

I am guessing I am not alone in those feelings.

Reluctant Dominance Part 2

It took me a few hours to find out why I was bothered enough to write the post on Reluctant Dominance yesterday and why what I read originally was enough to sour my mood.

Well, the sour mood is firmly rooted in being too sensitive and/or frustration at some of the things people say.  This topic had been on my mind for more than a week seeing as how it managed to surface itself on several blogs that I read.  The too sensitive part had to do with how it was communicated to me during a comment exchange on one of those blogs.

Now that my feelings are in order and I can tell that my thoughts are rational, I'm finally able to convey what I had hoped to during that post before getting wrapped up in romantic idealism and tearing the fangs off.

The idea that dominance is done as a favor and caters only to a man's desires diminishes the value of submission. 

I hold no malice towards women who after X years of marriage find out their husband had been hiding something major to them for several/many years.  For those people, dominance as a favor is an understandable point of view.

However, I do not understand how a Domme who entered through conditional means would hold or communicate this point of view and have it yield successful long-term relationships.

If my submission is not special, why was I chosen?
If my submission is not special, why am I careful about who I offer it to?
If my submission is not special, why should I feel like I have any value in the relationship?

This point of view is very good at damaging a sub's psyche.  It also passes over the path to developing deep bonds and loving devotion. 

Am I missing the boat here or are these feelings reasonable?

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

30 Days of Submission: Day 2

Describe who you might submit to and how. 

I submit to the woman I love.  I submit in body, mind, and spirit.  It is how I display the strength of my love for her.  

No clue if I answered "how" in that.  I don't even understand how to answer that.

Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? 

Well, seeing as I have never been married... none of the above.  I was engaged to my first Mistress.  During the latter portion of my time with T things did turn into bedroom only.

To answer the question I believe they are asking... I submit in life to the one I love.  It extends beyond the bedroom and dominates my thoughts.

Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? 

Both role and daily life.  I have to put on my alpha face at work and around strangers.  In private life I am fine as a submissive in all aspects, but how submissive I am varies by my role at the time.  e.g. I will be different if I am doing chores, worshipping her body, being disciplined, nursing her back to health when she is sick, etc.  

I try to adapt as needed and act with enough "freedom" as necessary to accomplish my desired tasks.

Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

I have done the play partner thing back when I was newer and between relationships.  It is not something I desire but I won't say I wouldn't consider it again if I found myself single.

As things are I only submit to the one I love or anyone she directs me to serve, but I see that as being submissive to her and not "submitting to someone else."

30 Days of Kink: Day 2

List your Kinks.

Eh gads.  Guess I will have to let some things hang out there.  I suppose if I list them in a comma separated fashion and try to get them to blend all together that I won't feel as embarrassed.  Wishful thinking.

Wait.  How is this different from Day 1?

Oh well.  To varying degrees I guess my kinks include power exchange, bondage, gags, blindfolds, domestic discipline, domestic service, body worship, forced feminization, humiliation, face sitting, chastity, tease and denial, nipple play, cunnilingus, women in fur, women in boots, women in gloves, face slapping, piercings, cages, collars, leashes, consensual non-consent, mind-fucking, and emotional masochism.

Describe what it is about being Dominant or submissive that excites and arouses you the most.

Feeling owned and controlled is what does it for me the most.  I get aroused at rules, roles, and expectations.  Pleasing her.  Making her happy.  Earning her love.  Anything that says "I am hers."  This makes me feel warm, safe, and peaceful inside.  I will endure whatever she asks of me.  My desire to make her proud of me motivates me to no end.  I consider myself lucky that this arouses me.  

Reluctant Dominance

I will warn that I'm writing a bit with the armor on right now after getting a bordering-on-hostile delayed response to some comments I made a week ago.

I'm trying to steer the ship away from Rantville.  My apologies if we end up in Shittsburgh.

I am sympathetic towards Dommes that find themselves in the role due to love.  These women are frequently married and have been for a long enough time to establish a life they wished to continue when they discover that their husband or significant other is secretly a submissive and has been hiding it from her since they met. 

False advertising.  Bait and switch.  Betrayal.  Anger.  Frustration.  Hurt.  Conflicted.  Reluctant Dommes really are pushed through a gauntlet of unpleasant emotions before they finally reach the decision that they love their husband enough to give dominance a go.  Finding out this new information doesn't change what they have built together.  I find these women to be courageous and the men should and usually do feel lucky that she didn't kick them to the curb.

You can find examples of these relationships all over the blogosphere.  Some of the women fully embrace it and become rather imposing and fearsome Dommes.  Some of the women half embrace it and have their moments of good and bad.  Others may attempt to go through the motions but half-resent it (you find these on blogs written by miserable subs). 

There is one point of view that is unique to these women: they see D/s as doing the man a favor. 

I can understand this point of view.  I can empathize with it, just as I'm sure anyone who has done things they didn't want to do in the name of love can.  It is making lemonade when they never asked for lemons in the first place.

That being said, I don't really understand it when a Domme who hasn't experienced this situation takes on this point of view.   It just seems really... entitled. 

I tend to view D/s as a set of complimentary parts.  A yin and yang.  The alpha and omega.  The top and bottom.  The giver and the receiver (and/or receiver and giver). 

Without the D, the s is simply docile.  Without the s, the D is abuse. 

It is when the D and s come together that beauty happens.  Harmony.  Love.  Bonds.  Trust.  Intimacy. 

The submissive offers up their body, their soul, their vulnerability, their obedience, their devotion, their efforts, their time, their perseverance, and their control.
The Dominant receives what the sub offers and in turn offers control, rules, and expectations. 

Rationally, this is not a fair trade, but D/s is anything but rational.  We accept that both parties welcome and agree to these terms.  This is how they want to live and choose to live by their own will.

I guess I just find it puzzling when people who are looking to establish D/s relationships don't view it this way.  I don't like it when someone treats Dominance like a favor.  Nor do I care for the idea that submission is a favor either.  We do it because this is what we want.  We do it because this is what we need to feel whole, alive, and happy.

If a Domme has true grounds to feel entitled in any way, it is due to supply and demand.  Dommes are the rare commodity.  Any sub who's ever tried to win a Domme's attention understands this.  If there is any favor it is in giving the sub a chance.  I don't see it as any favor to be what you both want.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

30 Days of submission: Day 1

Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? 

What I have had and strive for would probably be best described as 24-7 or FLR.  

Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? 

It would probably best be classified as dominant/submissive.  I don't know what Taken in Hand is but the capital letters make it sound important.

If you do not use a label, why?

We've always used a label but I suppose would could drop it if that is what she wanted.

30 Days of Kink: Day 1 - You

"Dominant, submissive or switch?"


"List the parts of BDSM that get your juices flowing, what interests you the most? Basically define your kinky nature."

Oh, such an open ended question.  I fear if I answered all of it that it would probably be around 10,000 words and probably answer the next 29 days worth as well.  I'll try to go at this in a concise way as it pertains to the question.

D/s and power exchange are definitely my strongest draw.  They bring me into a place that feels natural, peaceful, and happy.  It is at these times that I feel like I am the best version of myself and I'm free to love to the extent that I want to.

Bondage has been a strong interest of mine for a very long time.  I like to feel contained... kept... secured... and under her control.  I prefer things that lock.  Gags, blindfolds, and earplugs also do it for me in addition to restraints.  If cages classify as bondage, they belong here too.

The other items that pull me in are mostly in regards to D/s and how they affect my subspace as I don't really enjoy them on their own merit... but when they interact with dynamics they become something I crave on some level.

-Domestic Service.
-Domestic Discipline.
-Forced Feminization.
-Consensual Non-consent.
-Body Worship. 
-Tease & Denial.

Writing Prompts

A thank you to Mrs Fever from Temperature's Rising for suggesting some writing prompts. 

While I seem to be able to churn out the posts as of now I figure doing some of them will let me write with some additional focus and reveal more things about myself for those who haven't had the time (or desire) to get through my Reflections series, which is long as hell and I don't blame you.

As my first choice I was deciding to go with the 30-days of kink or 30-days of submission... but I feared that doing them one after another would probably just cause a bunch of rehashing so I've decided to do both of them at the same time.

My apologies to those of you who find it tedious enough to read the seven posts a day I have been making lately.

I'm a bit envious

I have to say that I'm a little bit envious of femsubs.  It's not that I desire to be female or to be in a Mf type of relationship, but that world is just so drastically different that I can't help but feel a slight bit of envy.

In the past year I have interacted with more femsubs in the blogosphere than ever before and with a lot more regularly since the days when I still attended munches with a local BDSM group.

If anything, the envy comes from the fact that there are so many different types of sub/Dom relationships that exist in Mf that just rarely if ever happen in Fm.  In a way, it's sort of like telling one side, "oh, you can be anything if you set your mind to it.  You can be a doctor, lawyer, or whatever you want to be."  On the other side, it's "oh, you're a man.  You can be a butler."

I know this is a horribly biased over-simplification, but sometimes it feels this way.  Don't get me wrong, I am completely down for a life of loving service and devotion, but I have to wonder if there was only one path available to femsubs if they would also carry the stigma of being "wankers."

e.g.  A femsub little finds a Daddy Dom that will care for them in such a way that both the little and submissive needs are taken care of.  A malesub little pays $250 an hour and is a pariah.

I guess it's just strange to me that in many Mf relationships it draws out the nurturing and protective sides of men, but with Fm, it feels almost like the opposite.  In clarification of that last sentence, I do believe that Dommes are loving and caring, it's just in a very different way.  It feels almost as if dominant women do not want to have any maternal instinct when it comes to dealing with subs.  That is understandable on many levels, I just find it interesting.

I'm not trying to judge and say that any one way is right or wrong, it just fascinates me how different the endgames are.

A post on subspace

I have been meaning to write a post on subspace for about a week now.  This is attempt #9 as the first 8 all found the delete button.

I've never been fond of the working definitions people associate with the term subspace, the most common of which being the state of being resulting from adrenaline and endorphins following corporal punishment.

I've always felt that subspace, for those who allow themselves to be truly vulnerable, reaches much deeper into the soul than that of a physical response.  Some conversations with Watson last year have me believing that subspace does involve a release of certain brain chemicals and this state of being can become addictive, but neither of us wagered a guess on exactly what chemicals they were.

I find it difficult to explain subspace to someone that has never experienced it.  In that way, it's a lot like love.  You can describe love all you want to someone who's never been in it but they can never truly grasp it until they experience it first hand. 

While I crave subspace, I would not describe it as a good feeling.  It is an entire mental state that shifts our focus in a desirable way.  For myself, I feel that inside subspace I am centered.  My life force feels in alignment.  Distractions from the outside world don't phase me.  I exist in a manner which pleases me because it is pleasing to her.  She is the center of my universe and everything that entails becomes abundantly clear.  All of the other noise fades away. 

While any Domme that has never been submissive will not have first hand understanding of this mind state, I find a good number of lifestyle Dommes that shares bits of their lives with us on the internet are able to control it freely.  Not only that, but many of them strongly enjoy controlling it. 

I will paraphrase an example that I have read dozens of times across various blogs that involve chastity.  The words I remember reading are along the lines of this: "When she take control of his arousal and his sexual pleasure, all of the energy he used to spend thinking about his own pleasure becomes directed at her." 

I believe these words perfectly describe my feelings as I drift into subspace.  I exist for her.  She decides what is right and wrong.  My purpose is to please her.  Because chastity has such a noticeable and immediate effect, it is one of the reasons I see it as appealing... even if that means giving up control of something dear to me. 

In that example, chastity serves as the trigger for subspace.  It instills a set of feelings within the sub that push his mind into a focused and controlled state.  From my times spent in chastity, the sound of the lock closing shut crushes the male ego in a wave of realizations: She took my penis away from me. She is in control.  She is all that matters.  Any desire that goes against her will is selfish.  Selfish subs are unworthy.

What makes this difficult to express is that it is so far removed from the rational mind.  The soul craves these feelings.  The rational mind just feels loss.  The sex experiences unconscious arousal even though sexual desire is laughable.  My mind realizes, I do not want this, but it feels so right for my being.

An interesting thing about subspace triggers is that they are almost all negative things to the rational mind.  They are all symbols of control.  They are all things that make us feel more... owned... possessed... and consumed.  Domestic discipline is a trigger because we deserve to be corrected to better serve her will.  Humiliation is a trigger because it strips away our pride and dignity and the last of our resistance.  Bondage is a trigger because it displays her control and our helplessness within it.  Rules are a trigger because we must remain vigilante and mindful of her instructions.  Fear is a trigger because we are at her mercy.  Anticipation is a trigger because we never know what will be asked of us next. 

I believe that most subs show this on their face.  They humble themselves as the ego dies.  They cringe and frown as she keeps them off balance.  You can see it on their faces as they are shoved deeper into the abyss.  Their sex betrays them while they may appear in agony, their penises show the truth.  Their soul calls for this.  The deeper they go, the more they love, and the more they are willing to endure.  This is how I feel in subspace.  Go deep enough and the rational mind falls silent.  All that is left is the submissive, completely vulnerable and with a heart overflowing with love.  He exists to please her. 

This is what I crave.  It is my subspace.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Positivity from now on... I hope

I've made a lot of frustration posts in the past few months.  It should have been blatantly obvious as to why, but I kept thinking that things would "work out" and all of those feelings would wash away.

The reality of it is that I've been stuck in a cycle.  Feel lonely, reach out, get hopes up, get ignored, feel hurt, feel frustrated, feel more lonely. 

It's really a strange feeling.  When I look to interact to others I have no agenda aside from seeking company.  People to correspond with.  Go back and forth about ideas.  Find some conversation.  Many of us have to hide ourselves from most of the world.  It feels wonderful to have some people to be open and honest with.

Over the years I've always thought I was a fairly interesting guy.  I know enough about a lot of things to be able to hold a conversation on a good number of topics.  I'm not too proud to admit when I don't know something but if it's an important topic of someone I am getting to know I'm genuinely interested in learning more. 

I try to be respectful and polite, never insisting and trying my best not to over-step boundaries.  I'm a bit shyly awkward at first but it doesn't take much to get me to open up.  Once I feel comfortable I'm pretty damn funny.  I am open to communicating with men, women, TG's, Dominants, submissives, switches, you name it.  

For decades of my life I seemed to have enough social competence to get by.  I made friends... good ones.  It was easy for me to talk to people and people talked to me. 

What started happening last year was that it felt like no one wanted to talk to me.  They (literally) wouldn't respond to me, yet they would respond to others.  This is the most consistent frustration point for me.  Passive-aggressive rejection.  It hurts.  Much of my family life dealt within these terms and it wasn't a pleasant experience.  This type of reaction rattles me to my core.  It manages to prey on every insecurity I have... because I have no idea why I am being ignored.  I start getting down on myself for ever reason I can think of.  Not interesting enough.  Too awkward.  WTF is this pink blog shit?  Everyone hates sissies.  It all leads to self-doubt and a crumbling sense of self-esteem.

In other cases I have had them flat out insult me.  I actually prefer that type of treatment.  This seemed to happen only from the male FLR bloggers.  "Your kind aint't welcome here round these parts."  I'm accustomed to this.  Racism toughened me the hell up.  When confronted by someone in this way, I slap on the suit of armor, and shake my head thinking "wow, what a prick."  While it wears on me a bit, the majority of it slides off my back.  You can't cure ignorant. 

The other avenue I explore is the fur fetish community.  There are a HUGE number of closet submissives there along with a large number of kink-friendly sissies and TV/TG/CD's.  I don't know what it is, but they steer clear of me there as well.  Based upon the view counts I know that there are tons of people reading my fiction and looking at the posts that I make.  There are just so few willing to expose themselves by actually making a comment and if they do send a PM, they never respond when I reply. 

All in all this lead to a huge amount of hurt feelings that had built up inside of me over the past year.  The accumulation of a hundred small wounds can be just as bad as one big one.  Now that I am sitting in a better space I find myself wanting just to leave all this shit behind.  Drop it and move on.  I'd like to say that I learned something from it but the only thing I'm garnering at this time is, "wow, people suck."  In any case, I'm writing this to spell it out and get it out of my system.  To try and look forward and just keep going without the doubts that drag me down.

I've given up on fetlife.  If you like my blog feel free to hit me up on there, but I have no plan to take part in much there or contact anyone that I don't already know.  For years people were trying to get me to join there.  Now that I did last year it has been probably the most disappointing side of things for me.  I'm sure it works for some, but it has just brought me hurt and frustration.

I'm tired of having people hurt my feelings.  I don't want to put on armor.  I don't want to have to act tough when that's not who I want to be.  I just want to be me.  I want to feel safe being sensitive.  I want to care about others.  If I talk to someone, I want them to talk back.  It kind of hurts just realizing this is asking for a lot.

It feels good to be honest and to get all of this stuff off my chest.  I'm not really angry.  Even frustration is a mask.  I just find it easier to express it in a negative way than just saying that it hurt me.  I want to try to be more positive from now on.  Removing myself from negative situations is probably the first step in that goal.  Who knows if I will succeed or fail, but at least I'll try.

PS.  Feel free to chew me out and call me a hypocrite if you see me ranting within the next 30 days.

Revisiting the Big Take Away

The most recent post at Die starke Frau really gave me a blast from the past.

The I am quoting the excerpt from the excerpt which puts this post back in December of 2010.

"Both Lady Grey and Ms Marie have written about "the big take away". Banning the man for good from the one thing he loves the most. (Hunting, soccer, business, you name it...) And the response from the men involved and from the readers of the blogs has generally been overwhelming good. There is no doubt, that it is hot to read about it. The fantasy is amazing.
But me, in reality, I think I would not have the guts to resort to such intense and drastic means. "The big take away" is not some game. It is not something to turn the man on. It is not meant to give him pleasure. It is hard on him. He will hate it. He will not be pleased.
And the idea that the man will be pissed off... and pissed off with me...somehow throws me off balance.
Add to these points the fact that the men we are taking about are usually real alpha males, surrounded by beautiful women who are only waiting to please them, only waiting to start a relationship with them....
I am just not sure if I would dare to tell the man I love to chose between me and the thing he loves the most..."

I remember the posts in reference as well as Tina's post from 2010, which if I remember correctly (I haven't gone back to check), I did leave some comments on that she didn't like :)

I believe both of the original posts from Lady Grey and Ms. Marie are also gone.

I've been thinking about this for the past couple of days, especially because the events of the present post seemed to have Tina feeling a bit emotionally distressed.  I wanted to elaborate upon this a bit.  I hope that it will help in some way.

To summarize the original big takeaway posts (please correct me if I am wrong on this Lady Grey or Tina) is the idea that choosing one important aspect of the sub's life, something they have taken for granted, and taking it under control and denying it from then on.  If my memory serves me, I believe Lady Grey took away Karl's privilege to watch the NCAA March Madness Men's College Basketball tournament.  Tina mentioned a few in her excerpt but other things might include poker night with the buddies, drinking, eating steak, etc. 

At it's core, this is a control dynamic.  It sets the tone of the relationship and reinforces the idea that the Domme has the final say over things.  It also keeps the sub from being distracted by something other than focusing upon her needs.  While I can understand how this might seem cruel, I don't really think that it is.  Is there anything in my life that is important enough that I wouldn't give it up for the woman I love?  No. 

I don't see this as any different from giving up sexual control, and in fact, I believe if you could get men to answer honestly about their "5 favorite activities," I'm fairly certain that 95% of men would have "having an orgasm" on their list.  It is fairly established practice for Dommes to take control of the sub's orgasms out of the gate.  In my opinion, this is truly the big takeaway.

Something else to add is that this isn't done out of anger, spite, or malice.  It is not a punishment, it is not done in the heat of the moment, and it is not reactionary.  Taking "it" away is done more on principle.  There is no discussion, no bartering, no negotiations.  She rationally exerts her power and does it because she can.  Once it is gone it serves as a reminder that she can take anything... or grant anything.  She is all powerful. 

Is this act right for everyone?  Probably not.  I think a lot of it stems from the dynamics of the relationship.  This would not go over very well if your relationship is a partnership.  For relatively extreme D/s relationships, it is not a partnership as much as a focal point and support.  That doesn't make it any less loving, it just shifts the priorities into a clear-cut hierarchy.  That is, what she needs and wants are important and while what he needs will be taken care of, anything after that is granted solely at her discretion. 

Not all subs have the mental capacity for this.  Not all Dommes have the desire to push a sub that deep and maintain that level of dynamics.  There are subs that thrive in this.  There are Dommes that thrive in this.  When those two types come together it is a beautiful fit of complimentary pieces.  She is the yin and he is the yang.  On the sub's part this requires a disciplined state of mind and an enjoyment of deep levels of subspace. 

When he reaches that state, the big takeaway feels natural... justified... the way it is supposed to be.  He wants to be free of distractions and completely obedient to her.  He wants to be aware of her control and he loves her for it.  Thinking about what he has lost pushes him deeper.  Deep down inside he waits for her to take away #2, #3, #4, and #5, as the loss of each one systematically penetrates his soul, strengthening her control over him... strengthening their bond.  With each one he feels less of his old self as he becomes even more a vessel of her will.  Eventually, it doesn't feel like a loss at all.  It feels like love, each time he finds himself closer to what he wants to be: perfect for her.  He is grateful that she takes the time to shape him so.

Not all submissive men experience it in this way.  Some do.  I can say that it requires a lot of trust, a lot of love, and a lot of faith that this is how your lives should be. 

PS.  Lady Grey if you are reading this, I still think you could torture Karl in a fun way using a tournament bracket and having him pick the outcomes with penalties for each wrong game :)

Training Wheels

Lady Grey's most recent post had some comments from an individual that had me ready to go to battle but as she wished that line of discussion to end, I felt it's better for me to continue here rather than cluttering up her blog comments.

In all honesty, I'm not trying to be overly harsh on the guy, but the best way to put it is that he just didn't get it.  Did not get it at all.  I try not to be too hard on the inexperienced.  We are all inexperienced before we become experienced.  I've been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.  However, it becomes clear when someone is "open to learning" and "hopes to gain understanding" through questions and discussion.  It becomes just as clear when someone asks questions and will continue to repeat the question in different ways until receiving the answer they want.

I don't play that game.

In the route of trying to educate, here is where that individual is missing the boat.
A basic summary of their views: The events and dynamics displayed in the example are too harsh and abusive.  The Domme is acting in an irresponsible manner for putting their sub through such trials and tribulations.  Secondary belief: It is irresponsible for another Domme to witness this and not step in to act.

Addressing the first part, it is clear to me that the person making the comments has experience that ranges somewhere between none to limited, limited being possibly some dabbling in a BDSM scene or paid pro.  I believe this because the views are straight out of a BDSM basics beginner guide.

Negotiated limits and expectations, everyone is happy, trust the Dominant, etc.  If they push anything too far, it's abuse.  While all of these things are pretty true for both a BDSM newbie or experienced lifestyle D/s practitioner, the frame of reference is completely different.

I'm going to stereotype here, but from my experiences, 99% of BDSM guides are written in a manner to teach a novice 20 year old women how not to get raped and abused by a 35 year old predatory Dom.  While it is valuable to teach these people these skills, they are not the target demographic of those ideals.

In fact, D/s-based F/m lifestyle relationships tend to violate quite a few of the original principles, but not when taking their frame of reference into account.  Not very many subs are capable of living a strict lifestyle situation.  The ones that don't fit the bill tend to favor play over subspace and view a lot of things from the standpoint of consensual mutual pleasure.  The ones that thrive in a lifestyle situation are cut differently.  They enjoy the dynamics.  They enjoy the consensual non-consent.  They enjoy being broken down, pushed, and trained into the form that the Domme likes best. 

It's not very straight-forward, but it is there.  The enjoyment happens in a different way.  It's not a straight up physical type of pleasure.  It is a pleasure that speaks to them at their submissive core.  The best feelings they can have are to feel owned, controlled, obedient, and pleasing.  This type of relationship is a completely different animal.

The trust here is VERY deep but it is different.  There is no safe word.  There is no green/yellow/red.  This is the system they want and they trust the Domme with their life. 

Going back to the examples from Lady Grey's post, David knew Vanessa was intense.  They had been together for a while.  This wasn't a negotiated singular event of a some bondage and some paddle spanking with defined limits and ends.  This was a total submission of self to her will.  This was his choice.  This is what he wanted.  He turned his back on it and the pull was strong enough to make him return and subject himself to whatever she deemed necessary to prove himself.

So to the person with the comments, you are wrong by seeing this relationship as something that it is not.  This was not a first meeting in a local BDSM scene.  This was the training of a sub/slave that fully agrees to living an unfair life.  He gets off to living an unfair life.  That is his desire, or he wouldn't have gone back to face his punishment.  If you can understand what kind of choice that is, you will understand why what happened was completely reasonable.

As for the secondary belief that Lady Grey should have taken some active role to step in and stop this from happening... there are appropriate boundaries that happen between friends.  For lack of a better example, most people will get offended if you try and tell them how to parent and raise their children.  D/s functions on the same level of respecting boundaries. 

That being said, there are lines that the people can cross where stepping in is the correct choice.  e.g. It's one thing for a parent to discipline their child with a firm spanking.  It's another for them to whip the child with an extension cord and lock them in the closet for a week.  The latter deserves intervention. 

In my estimation, for the severity of the breech of trust that David performed, his punishment was just fine.  The fact that he was given the chance at redemption is very lucky.  With that in mind, if Vanessa had trussed him up and was about to chop off his genitals with a hedge clippers against his will, I'm pretty sure Lady Grey would have probably stepped in there. 

My advice overall is to try to understand the frame of reference.  Learn more.  There are hundreds of different flavors out there, each of which are unique and different.  Passing judgment without understanding is never a wise choice.  Asking questions to understand it better is a very wise choice.

/end rant

Misunderstanding Fantasy

I had another realization today that makes me feel kind of dense for not seeing it before.  In the past year I've come across a lot of Dommes that are vocal about being anti-fantasy.  They post it on their profiles, their blogs, discussions, and the like.  I am personally a big proponent of the potential of fantasy so I felt rather lost as to why this is.

What I grasped is that there is a fundamental difference in how they perceive fantasy as to how I perceive fantasy.

My view of fantasy: envisioning something that isn't occurring right now or recounting something that has already happened.

Their view of fantasy: Femdom porn videos and pictures.

I don't watch porn.  I have seen a handful of videos and clips here and there but it is not something I am well-versed in.  I don't even know what "stereotypical Femdom porn" looks like.  I may find some pictures now and then but generally I find fashion or glamor shots that are done in a tasteful manner give me greater appeal.  If I had to guess what they are railing against it is likely the idea of some 45-minute whipping and teasing session with a leather (or latex) clad dominatrix doing things to a hapless male sub.

If there are a large number of men out there that believe staged events meant to generate income are "real," then I can sympathize to a much greater degree than I currently do.  When you filter out the wankers, I don't believe that any sub that is worth a damn actually expects their real life to be a porno.

I fantasize a lot.  Like... a lot.  My view is that just because something isn't real, that doesn't make it unrealistic.  Even if it is occasionally real to have a 45 minute play session with some dress-up and theatrics, I'm generally more concerned with the other 23 hours and 15 minutes of the day.  The intimacy of aftercare.  Breakfast.  Bedtime rituals.

I fantasize about taking showers with my Mistress where I gently wash her body and hair.  I fantasize about how I wish to greet her as she walks through the door.  I fantasize about cooking her a delicious meal and carefully watching her face as she takes the first bite.  I fantasize about feeling her arms around me and the smell of her perfume as we embrace.  I have done all of these things dozens or even hundreds of times, but if it's not based upon a specific event... it is in fact a fantasy.

I don't always fantasize about the mundane, but it is almost always things that I have already done and would like to do again.  I enjoy a 4-hour marathon sex and play session where she has over 50 orgasms.  For several years this was the average, but if I picture doing this again, it is a fantasy.

For a while now I've felt self-conscious about this but from now on I'm going to stop worrying about it.  I have enough experience to know what is realistic.  I have enough experience to know just what isn't probable because it's a pain in the ass.  I have enough experience to know what will appeal to her.

If anything, this is a call for people to define their terminology.  Taking a narrow definition of a word and broadcasting it as if it is the only definition of the word isn't a wise decision.  It impacts others.  I've heard it come from the mouths of newbies who adopted the belief from reading the words of those with more experience.

Fantasy isn't bad.  Wankers who want a fetish model to get topped from the bottom are bad.  It's exhausting having to explain myself.  It's even more exhausting to be written off without a chance to explain.

I've been asked on numerous occasions why I don't watch porn.  I answer them simply: I make my own porn in my head. 

If you want an example of one of my fantasies, a short one can be read here:
A Quick Fiction D/s Fantasy: Breakfast

Internet Warriors

Over the past year I've learned something new about myself.  I am no longer willing to go to battle on the internet.  I'm fairly old-school internet.  I didn't have a computer in the BBS days but I know what IRC and newsgroups are.  a/s/l? makes me want to cringe and punch someone in the neck.  I know better than to click on any link that shows up.  Anyone around during knows exactly what I'm talking about.

I used to go to war quite a bit.  If someone said something that I felt was blatantly wrong... I didn't rest until they conceded defeat or enough of an army had jumped on the bandwagon to continue fighting well after I no longer needed to.

I no longer partake in such activities.  Some might call this maturity.

I can't tell.  The impulse is still there.  I read something and feel that rush of adrenaline, my impulses screaming at me to grab my armor and weapon and head into battle.  Something feels drastically different now.  Beliefs feel like regimes.  Consensus agreement feels like propaganda.  The words spew forth, like a brainwashed member of "the cause" spouting the catch phrases of their visionary dictator.  Disagreement is thought crime.  Nonconformity will lead the gestapo straight to your door.

It takes me all of about 10 seconds to decide it's not a fight worth fighting. 

There was a time when you could talk to people.  Debate.  Examples.  Counter-examples. Evidence.  Discussion.  Points of view.  Relativity.  When the dust cleared that was a new understanding of one another and a whole lot of different views to consider and evaluate. 

I don't know exactly when the great change happened.  People don't want to listen.  They don't want to consider anything that is different from what they already believe.  What is even more troublesome is that they don't even attempt to support their views.  They are just "right" and there don't need to be reasons. 

One of my favorite things is when someone is able to change my mind on something.  They make a case that is so strong and compelling and with enough reasoning an evidence that I cannot deny its truth.  I LOVE when this happens.  I want to hear someone argue with me with passion.  I want to (virtually) see their eyes light up as they present their case that is obviously dear to their heart.  They finish and I evaluate against my own beliefs and wonder if they can coexist or not.  In some cases I find myself in total agreement.  In others, I may not fully agree but I can understand their frame of reference and the validity of the points within it.  The biggest thing is that there is a shared respect in the end.  This is rewarding and promotes growth of everyone involved.

In some ways current internet warfare feels like marching off against fanatics.  How dare you question the accepted teachings?  The battle cry pierces the air and a unified group of voices quote in unison, page 19 paragraph 3 of the manifesto. 

At this point I sit back at my desk and just think, "what the hell happened?"

That's not to say that I don't get into the occasional skirmish.  I just choose carefully when it comes to the battlefield.  

Random Rambling

I realized something tonight and it feels a bit strange that it took me until now to understand it.

I know that with my recent D/s writing I have slipped back into my "impersonal style" of years' past.  After deleting another dozen half-finished post in the past day, two important things have stood out to me.

1. Most bloggers are able to just recount an event or experience as it happened.
2. For some reason I feel like the D/s posts I write must be important or informative in some way.

The second limits the hell out of me and affects the first.  Rather than just talking about something and letting people draw their own interpretations from it, for some reason I find myself presenting it in a way that focuses upon what I feel should be interpreted from it, and due to #2, I only post it if it seems important.

I'm not sure why I do this but it is probably something I should work on.  It would make writing a lot easier.

My #1 Fetish: Symbolism

Fetish probably isn't the right word to describe this, but through submission I seem to be drawn to symbolism more than anything.  When looking at events or ideas within the "bigger picture" context, my body finds a way to respond with involuntary, unconscious arousal.

Some might say that my penis betrays me. 

While there are a large number of activities and ideas that give me direct arousal, there are an equally large number that hold no rational appeal to me whatsoever.  For these latter types, expanding upon them with dialogue, description, or reasoning that provide them with a frame of reference is often enough to find myself erect, confused, and trying to wish it away.

When our eyes meet and she pries into my soul and I feel the dread of what is to happen next, she can simply look down and ask, "you must actually want this, don't you?"  My denial must seem like empty words to her at this point as my brain screams "no" but I cannot hide the erection.  At this point it is especially easy to get my emotions twisting and turning and find myself lost in the depths of subspace.

To be honest, this terrifies me and it took me a very long time to figure out just what was going on.  At some point my body began responding in a thematic sense.  Control.  Status.  Power.  Principle.  Pleasure.  These themes fall at the root of D/s.  These themes fill my thoughts as my head spirals around in fantasy or subspace.  What I recognize is that nearly any act, when perceived as a symbol of these themes, triggers my arousal. 

It has reached a point where they don't even need to accompany a direct act or even a fantasy.  Just talking about them gets me going.  If I were to say the words to someone, "protocols are rules put in place to display the status inequality between Domme and sub."  I'm aroused.  The same goes for, "domestic discipline is frequently used as a maintenance measure, reminding the sub of their proper place and attitude, even when no punishment is required."  Same result. 

I have to wonder if this contributes to why it is easy for me in my subspace to adapt to most of what can be thrown at me.  At times this concerns me as I can see it doesn't lead to a natural stopping point... things can just keep going and going as long as they symbolize the right things.

What is even more frightening is when I will read about an act that makes me want to cringe and bleach my brain.  This will inevitably return me to flaccid... until I read why it was done and the ideas behind it.  At this point I find myself wanting to douse my crotch with cold water and shout at it, along the lines of, "What the hell are you thinking?!"