A few minor ramblings

Sorry if this bleeds long... it's a week's worth of thoughts crammed into one post.

I know there are some other blog authors out there that feel this way, but I am curious as to what types of posts I have made (and will make in the future) that people who visit here like to read most.  I have looked at my blog traffic stats and they don't really yield much insight into it... my July 2010 post on anal plugs (which I'm not even "into") still leads all other post views by a wide margin, at 5000 views ahead of my April 2010 Sardax tribute and 6500 views more than my May 2010 Inescapable Contract post.  All other posts are 7000+ views behind that anal plugs post and the only recent one to make it into the top 5 was my Jan 2011 drawing inspired by MsMarie.

I have been debating re-posting a few of my older posts because I think they have value and merit but have been buried pretty far back.  I think I didn't break 5 followers until I had 40+ posts, so many of those original 40 that had a target audience have been long-forgotten.  When I first entered the blogging community I had a target audience (subs in the fledgling stages of introducing Femdom to their partners or those searching for Dommes) in mind but after spending countless hours typing comments on those blogs I realized quickly that the demographic had shunned me.  It's like they listened to my comments since I had lifestyle experience but didn't want anything to do with the other things I wrote since I labeled myself a sissy. 

The craziest thing that ended up happening in the long run was that it seems the majority of my readers that make comments are Dominants.  That is something that fills me with a deep sense of pride as a sub.

If anyone has any ideas for re-posts on any of my earlier writings that they would like to discuss please let me know.



I have realized over time that while I am able to exert a great deal of control over my depression, my Mistress's moods and actions towards me affect my ability to keep it under control.  When her behavior is erratic towards me, my depression starts to overwhelm me.  When her behavior is good to me, I am fine.  I'm not sure if I should feel weak because of this or if I should just accept that as okay.  I was an orphan given up by my biological parents and that is the primary root of my abandonment issues and I've always needed to feel loved to keep my craziness from spiraling out of control.  Femdom has seemingly been a godsend to me.  In my past relationships and earlier in my current relationship when I felt depression start rearing up I would just ask my Mistress to kick the dominance up a notch.  If her expectations of me got incredibly difficult to meet with failures swiftly punished and good performance acknowledged, my submission would calm the storm inside of me and any signs of depression would fade away.


I want to give a big Thank You to everyone that has shown me support during this down time of mine.  I really hope to be back up to a state of solid emotional health soon.  I miss reading blogs in depth and leaving comments on them.  Lately I just haven't been able to keep my heart calm enough to keep that up very well.  When I write a long comment I usually spend 40-150 minutes on it (sometimes having it span multiple sittings) and while there's many things I have wanted to say, the timing just hasn't worked out lately for anything but a few brief chirps here and there.  If you are accustomed to having me comment on your blog, I will hopefully be back in full capacity soon.




Now that I have at least a few drawings under my belt that I would rank as "decent," does anyone have a favorite type of drawing that I have done so far?  Sometimes when I'm just looking to practice it's hard to come up with ideas of things I really want to draw and I can do more with a certain style or idea if something floats your boat.  I'm currently working on a Femdom dream scenario fantasy drawing that is my most ambitious project yet in that it will have at least 6 characters pictured in it.  I know I'm taking a risk on time-wasting if it ends up turning out like crap but I'm willing to give it a go.  Each "person" in a drawing takes me somewhere between 40 minutes and 4 hours.  I tend to spend a lot more time drawing women than men as I'm more concerned that the women turn out looking good. 

I'm still sort of trying to figure out what types of drawings garner a positive response.  I was surprised no one commented on my Punishment Box drawing.  So far I have only had one drawing that turned out exactly how I wanted it to, and it was a practice portrait.



It's been nice having people message me through my chat box, thank you everyone.



Lastly, does anyone have any thoughts on the stuff in my post before this one?  Anything at all?  Like... "that's sexy" or "man your taste sucks"?  Although now that I think about it, those who have followed my blog for a long time probably just think it's predictably me.  I'm such a simpleton in that regards.  If I ever found myself single again it really wouldn't take much for a woman to exploit me pretty badly. 

Mistress and I rarely go shopping together anymore for her clothes and I think that's one of the things I miss the most.

2011/2012 M. Miller Collection

I've always been a huge fan of ski-wear from M. Miller.  By random chance I was surfing the web last night and found they posted their winter 2011/2012 collection just recently.  I know the ski boutiques have to have their orders placed in March to have them all filled by October or so (I found this out when trying to special order a coat for Mistress one year) and it strikes me as a little odd that the collections are done this early in the year when most clothing designers don't unveil their 2011/2012 winter collections until August/September.  The pictures here are of the new items. 

I think that's one reason why I consistently like so much of what M. Miller does... they don't just make up to the minute trends, they make attractive women's ski-wear that is also practical and pretty much in style at any time during the winter.  Most of the Dommes I have served have ended up sharing my affinity for fur and also liked my taste in what I would help them pick out when shopping.

Being that I've gone shopping a lot with my girlfriends and Mistresses over the past decade I've come to the conclusion that Mark (The M. of M. Miller) is most likely heterosexual.  I feel like I understand where he's coming from.  Even though he's designing warm winter coats, he probably thinks women are sexy and really tries to accent the beauty of the female form.  Add his flair for fur and it seems like it's a perfect match.  What seems to separate his items from many of the upscale designers is that his lines and cuts almost always do the most to draw out a woman's curves with tapered waistlines that bring out that hourglass figure that many men (myself included) find attractive.

Most of these items are available in a ton of different colors for both the base material and fur.  Each winter I like to get my Mistress at least one new coat as a gift and it's with items like these that make me regret going to work for a small business right out of college and not the corporate route.  These coats tend to carry a price tag in the $500-1500 range, and while that's not too expensive in the greater scheme of fashion, they aren't something that I can afford to buy two or three of every year along with matching accessories.

While most of the women that I know also enjoy a lot of these, whenever I post any of these on the web I don't seem to get much for feedback from people of either gender so if anyone has any comments, they'd be much appreciated. 

 

If I were to buy any of these from this year's designs for Mistress it would probably be one of these three:

Here are some of my favorites from previous years:

I'm also particularly fond of their "on location" photo shoots.

 The only real gripe I have with them is that these pictures are the largest resolution they have available on their website.

Not quite out of the woods

The last week and a half or so has involved a great deal of stress and coupled with my Mistress's BPD it has been a very trying time keeping me dipping back into depression.  We had a good talk the other night and have agreed to "keep working on fixing things" but we've had many of those talks and I'm not quite sure anymore if it's just wishful thinking or if it's actually possible.

I hate feeling emotionally fragile in this way.  I don't mind vulnerable... but feeling like you're repeatedly being "broken" (and not in a D/s sort of way) is really starting to wear me down.

I apologize to the other bloggers out there that I usually comment on their blogs.  I just haven't felt up to it lately but I will try to get back to it soon.