Thursday, April 1, 2010

Just where do I fit in?

Over the past few years I've spent some time on sissy sites, reading and posting on the forums.

One thing that has become clear to me over that time frame is that I'm really not like most of the sissies you'll find there.  While I have my fetishes, they aren't really for a particular feminine item and I really do love women's fashion, but at the same time it's not about me wearing fashionable women's clothing.  I like certain materials, but as a whole my main attraction to women's clothing is how it looks on a woman.  I am not pretty, nor would those items look good on me.  Most of my experiences with dressing were as caricatures of a woman and not resembling an actual woman.  I guess maybe it's that I feel so inferior to a strong woman... that I don't deserve to aspire for womanhood, but I can aspire to serve her and her superiority.

I'm not gay or bi, nor do I have any desire to engage in any homosexual acts.  If I was to ever have (or be forced to have) a trans-gender procedure I would end up a lesbian and still be submissive to women.

Sometimes it's hard for me to relate to other sissies since I rarely share the bulk of their desires.  I have been able to help many of them with advice and guidance on attracting or making themselves attractive to a Domme and in some cases, helping them guide their current significant other into the Dominant role.

I know there's a bit of a stigma against sissies in the BDSM world and many times it's deserved (although it just as frequently is not).  It seems there's a lot of them out there that want all sorts of attention showered upon them and they just sit back and enjoy the ride through their fantasy activities.  It probably doesn't help that many of them have little if any experiences with Dommes and have often been jerking off to the same fantasies for several years... this kind of behavior shifts their focus too inwards when it should be outwards. 

Not many of them understand that to be an attractive sub you have to be able to offer a Domme many things that she finds pleasurable or useful.  If you are lucky, she will find the some of the same activities pleasurable as you do, but this often isn't the case.  I can say for things to work in the long-run, you should both have at least a few enjoyable activities in common.

The advice I would give to any sissies who might be reading this (if any of you are out there) is:
-Have as many useful skills as possible.  Be able to cook, clean, and do yard work like a pro.  Be good at massage, master cunnilingus, and work on as many skills as you can.  Carpentry?  Great.  Fixing computers?  Good.  Plumbing, electrician's work, auto repair?  Solid.  Sewing/tailoring?  Great.  The more you have to offer, the more attractive you will be.
-Be interesting.  Be funny.  Be able to hold a conversation.  Be able to be a great friend.  Be able to be a great lover.  Be able to give comfort, support, and everything you think people need to be happy.  24-7 is not Femdom ALL the time, it's Femdom at ANY time.  Be a real person.  The better and more interesting person you are, the more attractive lover you will be.
-Be flexible.  Be willing to endure things you don't like.  Be willing to try things even if you think you won't like them.  Be willing to take a beating.  Be willing to go long periods without an orgasm.  Be willing to get pegged.  Be willing to be tied up in the closet and ignored.  The more you are willing to try and do, the more likely she will be to give you a chance.
-Be honest.  If there's certain things you NEED, let her know.  If there's certain things you really like, let her know.  When fetishes and fantasies overlap between two people are when BDSM relationships work.  If you really want her to dress you up and humiliate you, hopefully she'll want that too.  If you are attractive to her because of the qualities I listed above, she might choose you and do it even if that doesn't "do it" for her.

Sometimes I don't understand myself...

I really dislike being in chastity for an extended period of time.  I really do.  I find it unpleasant and after a while I find myself having some rather odd mood swings and feeling high strung for no apparent reason. 

That being said, in my various relationships I've managed to accumulate five chastity devices over the years.   For some unknown reason I've been choosing to wear them again over the past few months even though it hasn't been required of me.  Over this same period I've found myself fantasizing and dreaming about being a full-time chastity sissy, which I know isn't something I really want, but recently it's been very arousing.  I still think it's pretty silly and ironic to get aroused at the thought of chastity.

I'm not sure though, maybe it's that when I wear them now, I know it will be removed?  In the past few months I haven't worn one for longer than a day, but I still find it odd that I'm wearing it by choice.  I think it's that I really enjoy those early stages of frustration, when your body is still battling against its restraints, fighting its hardest to get it up even though it's not going to happen.  I guess there's just no replacement for that. 

I can say that I never miss having to watch the keys getting locked up in the safe.  Over the past few months I've often pondered just what I would do if the perfect situation were dangled in front of me, the only catch being that I would be locked in chastity for VERY long periods of time if I would be willing to go along with it or not.  I guess the fact that I'm debating it even though I know that I hate it says it's still within the realm of possibilities.

Sometimes I just don't understand myself.

Femdom House

In my previous post titled "The Good Things About Being a Dominant Woman," I wrote a bit about a Domme having a house where she charged rent to subs to live there and serve her and live out sort of a Femdom fantasy.  A Domme could easily earn a decent living on the rent alone as well as live a pampered life of pleasure and relaxation.  This got me to thinking about the feasibility of this and if something like that could really work.

This whole idea might seem like pure fiction, but in all honesty, I believe it could work although I'm sure it would be a bit difficult to actually keep it functioning well over an extended period of time.  Also, it would probably require a Domme who didn't have children living at home and didn't care about what the neighbors thought about her lifestyle.

If you are skeptical, please give it some serious consideration before writing it off as pure fiction.
I believe there's a fairly large number of male subs that are desperate enough to be willing to jump in.

The scenario:
A Domme converts one or more of the rooms in her house into the servant's quarters.  The room(s) could be fairly small, enough to fit a few bunked cots and their clothes, toiletries, etc.

Subs are interviewed and screened and those chosen would live in the house as a servant and pay rent.  The number of subs would be up to the Domme, but to make things work completely and to have it be financially worthwhile, I would guess there would need to be at least four subs.  The rent would be on the expensive side but not outrageous, say $1000 a month plus utilities.  Subs would also be responsible for their own transportation, food, clothing, BDSM-related items, and personal expenses.

The subs would hold full time jobs and have work schedules that would ensure at least two subs would be "on duty" at any given time.  If there were six subs, two might work first shift, two might work second shift, and two might work third shift, with 6-8 hours of "on duty" time and 6-8 hours set aside for meals, sleep, personal grooming, etc.  Assuming the subs all worked standard Mon-Fri schedules, weekend schedules would likely entail more on duty time as well as some small break time for them to be able to take care of personal errands.

On duty subs would perform any task the Domme wished and would likely entail many mundane tasks such as housework, meal preparation, yard work, laundry, chauffer, and shopping as well as some more privileged roles like personal attendant to the Domme, whipping boy, boy toy, etc.  A Domme could probably avoid some busywork by having the subs determine amongst themselves who is responsible for particular chores, but I have a nagging feeling that she would probably have to be in charge of distributing the responsibilities. 

The big question is how this would appeal to subs beyond just the premise and idea of things, yet keep it from being too appealing and having every single sub crawling out of the woodwork thinking they'd be perfect for the position.  This situation would likely require some BDSM fantasy elements in order to make it worthwhile for the sub to agree to it.  At the same time, the Domme might choose some particular BDSM elements to incorporate that are things that she enjoys and possibly a few others that she doesn't enjoy in order to weed out the wankers.  She would probably also want to consider the types of subs that would best fit the roles that would need to be filled and possibly seek a few specialized subs, e.g. sissy maids would probably make better domestic servants than pain sluts and finding a sub who is a chef, another that has been trained as a masseuse, a carpenter, an auto mechanic, a tailor, etc.  Once these ideas have been hashed out she can start determining the rules and terms of the agreement.

Some example rules:
-Subs must be willing to sign an X month lease for the agreed upon monetary amount and required responsibilities with a penalty fee for breaking the terms of the lease.
-Subs must wear a required uniform (such as a maid's outfit) and a leather collar and cuffs at all times while on duty with punishments for being improperly dressed or appearing unkempt.
-Subs must wear a chastity device at all times except for removal for regular cleaning or permitted orgasms.  Regular milking will occur to ensure prostate health.
-Failure to meet the Domme's standards of service will result in punishment with chronic offenses leading to eviction.
-The Domme will guarantee the sub at least one hour per week of individual play time as a reward for adequate service.

The benefits:
-She wouldn't have to work unless she wanted to.
-She wouldn't have to take care of any mundane housework.
-She could demand any level of pampering or worship at any time.
-She could have any type of sexual or BDSM activity at any time.
-She could be as strict or laid back as she wanted to.

The responsibilities:
-She would probably have to be in charge of  managing and delegating responsibilities.
-She would have to keep track of and administer punishments.
-She may have to take part in BDSM-related activities that don't "do it" for her.
-She will have to balance enough personal attention in order to keep all parties involved content enough to continue the lifestyle.
-She will have to spend a great deal of time finding the right subs to fit the lifestyle.

As I'm writing this I realize it would be quite a difficult endeavor but it also seems very possible.  Having a stable of say, six subs might require several years to build towards, but there are enough varied fetishes and fantasies among men to probably be able to make this happen over the course of a few years.  Starting small with one or two subs that will probably need some form of romantic interaction and gradually adding those who are okay with play or even those who have a strong fetish/fantasy for being treated like a depersonalized servant.  I have a feeling that the end result would not involve all subs being treated equally, but a couple of favorites and a few there only to fill the less desirable roles.

I do think the idea of a Femdom house falls into the realm of a potential reality.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Sometimes we all just need a hug

I've done a lot of BDSM writing on the internet over the years and generally done a pretty decent job of remaining composed and clear-headed when I write.  However, I started this blog as an outlet for cathartic purposes as well as a medium for my "Femdom philsophy" where I could gather my thoughts together and try to make some sense of them...

So I guess I shouldn't feel bad for writing that right now I just wish a woman would dress me up in a girly angora and fur ensemble, tie me up, blindfold me, shove me down on the bed and hold me while she rubs her hands over my body and tells me she's never going to let me go.

It's been a rough few months.  Sometimes we all just need a hug.

Fantasy vs. Reality - The weakness of the male mind

One thing that has always concerned me is how submissive men tend to fantasize in extreme ways, often well beyond the level of what would be reasonable and bearable in reality.  It's not that fantasizing is bad, but at what point does a man leave himself vulnerable if he is aroused and cannot make a rational decision?  I know in my own case when heavily aroused certain BDSM lifestyles/activities seem like a great idea (or at least an erotic idea) if the opportunity were to show up. 

When I return back to reality it's pretty apparent that men can get carried away pretty easily.

I have a feeling this develops in the same way that fetishes develop.  Repeated fantasizing about similar situations eventually causes these situations to escalate to a more extreme level as the previous fantasies get boring or ordinary.  I see this progression happen in most BDSM relationships, where the activities performed early on just "aren't enough" 5 years later and as a couple, they grow into new and more intense activities.

However, things aren't quite the same for the single sub male who may have spent thousands of hours fantasizing and masturbating to fictitious (or real) BDSM situations without ever experiencing most of them first hand.  Year one might have been jerking off to fantasies about being tied up.  Year two masturbation might include being tied up and beaten.  Year three might include tied up, beaten, and raped, and so forth.  All of a sudden we're at year ten and he's fantasizing about being kidnapped and shipped to a foreign country where he is sold as a slave to an abusive landowner and forced to dress in rags, wear chains 24-7 and toil away, spending his nights being beaten while locked in a jail cell.  Yikes. 

Most healthy relationships start slow.  Most well-functioning BDSM relationships often work a bit backwards, working from basically getting to know you to kinky activities to really getting to know you.  Dominant women really hold all the cards when it comes to BDSM dating.  They can make outrageous demands and there's going to be several hundred sub men trying to (or at least claiming to be able to) meet those demands.  At least a few of them can and that is how many kinky relationships start.

The point of caution is that, let's say Joe Sub is a lamb (no real BDSM experience) and he's in year ten of his jerk off fantasies... Joe Sub sees an ad for a Domme promising a lifestyle like his year ten fantasy and he writes to her.  If she is truly a cruel sociopathic sadist, Joe Sub has just bitten off waaaaaaaay more than he could chew.  In reality, Joe Sub is probably one of 200 subs that have written to her that day and will likely end up in the trash folder, but on the off chance that she is looking for multiple slaves, Joe Sub might be in big trouble.

I guess my point is, sub men need to be very careful in keeping themselves at least somewhat grounded, especially those who have never acted upon their deepest kinky desires because the longer they are allowed to fester untapped, the more they will build and at some point, something very wrong might seem very right. 

My advice to Dommes would be to keep this in mind and go ahead and exploit us weak males for all we're worth.

The Mind Fuck

The mind fuck is one of the most powerful tools of the D/s dynamic.  For those unfamiliar with the term, a mind fuck is like the manifestation of irony.  It can take form in several ways, often along the lines of a "too much of a good thing," "be careful what you wish for," or "remember who is in control" type of a lesson/activity.  From my personal experiences, the mind fuck has the potential to push a sub to the absolute deepest regions of subspace, often by twisting desires, fantasies, and fetishes into something that brings a mix of pleasure or hope with mental or physical anguish.

It is probably most easily described with some examples:

-A sub begs to play with his penis.  Grant him permission but under the stipulations that he cannot cum and he cannot stop until you give him permission to stop (at this point it's too late to back out).  Options at this point may include forcing him to keep going until he cums without permission and punishing him, forcing him to keep going until he is throbbing and raw and denying him immediately before orgasm.  If he is smart he will think twice about asking to touch himself again.

-A sub earns and orgasm.  Order him to masturbate/cum in a humiliating manner and/or force him to do something unpleasant with his seed after he cums.

-A sub in chastity earns his day of release.  On that day release his chastity device but lock his hands behind his back and keep them that way until midnight.  After midnight return the chastity device to its locked state.  If/when he complains tell him that he got his release and penalize him an extra week or two until his next release reminding him that chastity release doesn't mean orgasm.

-A sissy wishes to be forced to dress up when you haven't ordered it.  Allow him to dress but then force him to perform activities that may be beyond his comfort zone while dressed such as ordering the pizza and making him answer the door, having him go fill the car up with gas or pick up something at the store, having him get the mail, do yard work, etc.

-Give your sub a task and tell him you are going to grade his work.  Promise a great reward if he gets an "A."  Inspect his work thoroughly.  Even if it's A quality work, give him an A- and tell him you are one of those teachers who doesn't believe in A's since there's always room for improvement. 

-Ask your sub if he wants to play a game (telling him what game you are going to play).  If he wins the game he gets a reward/privilege.  If he loses, he will get punished or lose a privilege.  Stack the game in your favor.  e.g. Tell him you are going to play poker, if he agrees then you deal him 5 cards and you get 20 (it's up to you if you want to let him draw or not, allow yourself to draw as many cards as you wish).  Tell him you will roll dice to see who gets the higher number, let him roll 1 dice and on your turn roll 5 die (requiring him to roll a 6 and you to roll five 1's to win).  Continue for as many rounds as you see fit, with each round counting as a win or loss.  Ties should always go to the Mistress.

I know this might seem kind of cruel but it is truly an intense experience.

What makes women enjoy humiliating men?

I'll say outright that it's tough for me to sometimes step into a woman's shoes and try to get to the bottom of her motivations when they are something that I'm on the complete opposite end of.  Some of the conclusions I come to will probably be wrong.  I do think (and I've had other Mistresses agree) that this is a useful exercise for a sub to perform if he wishes to become a better sub.  Any comments would be appreciated.

Understanding why women enjoy humiliating men is probably one of the most difficult things I've tried to think through and understand. 

Things that might be appealing about it:
Feeling powerful (at the expense of someone else who is less important).
Feeling intense love and devotion from someone willing to suffer humiliation to please you.
In a sadistic mind inflicting emotional anguish may be very arousing.
Being naughty and playful teasing are fun.
Feeling happy that the one you care about is enjoying the humiliation.
A sense of satisfaction at humbling the "stronger" gender.

I'm guessing there may be quite a few more things that women find enjoyable but I guess I'm not quite smart enough to put my mind around the intense pleasure some women derive from this activity.  If anyone would be grateful enough to enlighten me, I would appreciate it very much.

Why do submissive males get aroused by being humiliated?

I've always been curious as to why so many submissive men get aroused by being humiliated.  I too get aroused by being humiliated (by women) and it doesn't quite make sense to me. 

I know many (but definitely not all) submissive men have often struggled finding relationships at various times in our lives, myself included.  It's during those bad times that I've found it common to start analyzing your own inadequacies and flaws in an effort to improve and become a more attractive person. 

There are, however, certain weaknesses or flaws that we have that aren't able to be changed.  These can be physical, such as your height or penis size, kinks and fetishes that we find shameful (as would most vanilla women), or other personality traits that may stem from trauma or long periods of neglect such as feeling insecure, unlovable or invisible.  While it is possible to change some of these things through surgery, medications, or long periods of therapy, many of them can only become less of a problem and won't really go away completely.  The emotional states are also much harder to cope with when you are in a down time since it's the down time that is exaggerating those feelings.

I think the fact that even after a sub has found a woman (Dominant or not) that accepts him as he is still reacts with shame and humiliation is a sign that it's very difficult to outgrow many of the emotional scars one picks up over the course of their life. 

I think that humiliation is craved by someone who has not found peace in themselves that this is how they are and how they are is okay.  e.g. they don't feel like it's okay to dress in women's clothing, they feel their penis is too small, they like being pegged but are embarrassed by it, etc.  I guess this is kind of obvious though, since if someone was completely at peace with it, it would no longer be humiliating.

What further complicates things is that subs generally want to be humiliated in a certain way or by a certain target group.  A sissy might go on a public outing in order to get noticed by a group of women or girls and laughed at but at the same time, might hate to be noticed/approached by a group of men and find it downright terrible to be noticed by their family.    This creates a bit of a separation between being humiliated in front of strangers (with no long-term consequences) and being humiliated in front of people they will see repeatedly.  In the fantasy of it all, those they will see repeatedly will "play along" with the situation.  Humiliating situations that will have lasting consequences on their daily lives generally have no appeal to subs.

What is odd is that the group (whether they be strangers or people they know) most subs wish to be humiliated by are usually the same group they wish to be accepted by.  A single sissy who craves to be laughed at by girls will really want to be accepted by them.  A sissy who craves to be laughed at by guys will usually want a guy who will accept them.

It's hard to really get to the root of why someone would crave and be aroused by humiliation.  I have a few guesses but most of them are on a very deep and almost subconscious level but they make sense in conjunction with the things I have written above.

For some men, when humiliated by someone they are garnering attention from them, attention that they wanted to have but they had been ignored as a whole by more conventional means.  It is exaggerated in fantasy since the attention is usually personal and flirtatious teasing.  E.g. this girl that I find attractive who would totally ignore me if I was dressed in men's clothes has now noticed me dressed as a woman and is teasing me, being all flirty and giggly.  This is the ideal fantasy case since they aren't ignored or instantly rejected.

For others, I believe that they secretly seek some peace and reaffirmation that their fears/inadequacies are in fact real and but that they would still be accepted with them.  E.g. they want to be stripped naked, tied up, and spanked in front of a group of women who will hurl insults at them calling them a pervert, etc. because they deep down feel they are a pervert but at the same time want someone to be okay with that.

The last type I can think of are subs who are a certain way at their core but emotionally haven't accepted that (or refuse to accept that).  E.g. a man wants to be forced by a man or woman to dress as a woman since he in fact wants to be a woman.  Another example might be a man who wants to be forced by a woman to suck another man's cock because deep down he really wants to suck a man's cock but isn't okay with being gay/bi and this case is okay since it was forced by a woman.

I guess overall, those of us that crave and are aroused by humiliation generally just want our fear and shame to be exploited yet made to feel safe by being accepted by those we wish to be with or having an excuse to do the things that we deep down really want to do.

The Good Things About Being a Dominant Woman

I've always wondered why there aren't more Dommes out there.  You come across many women and girls that want to have their way and are willing to get angry with others if things happen differently but the ratio of these women to women who would classify themselves as Dominant is so small.  I know there's lots of taboo connotations that go along with being a Dominant (many of which are misplaced), but it still doesn't quite bridge the drastic gap in the numbers.

Many of the women (often submissives or switches) have always cited they wouldn't want to be a Domme because their impression of things are that they always have to be "doing something to their sub."  Realistically, in a lifestyle setting, this is fairly impossible/improbable and they often overlook the flip-side, which is, their sub(s) doing stuff for them.  It seems it's a bit of a misconception that a Domme is expected to walk in the door after work and start breaking out the whips and chains when it is still "being dominant" to walk in the door expecting their sub to have dinner ready and everything in the home is exactly how she wants it to be.

The approximately 3000:1 ratio of hetero/bi submissive males seeking hetero/bi Dominant females on most adult networking sites says to me that a Domme could quite easily live in a large house without having to work while a stable of male subs pay her rent and take care of all of the household chores, lawn care, meal preparation, errands/shopping, as well as attending to her personal needs/desires.  She could, quite easily, have half a dozen male subs sleeping in a 10' x 12' room on bunk beds working non-overlapping schedules to ensure that at least 2 of them were "on duty" to serve her or perform chores and live a rather luxurious life doing so in exchange for some kinky attention (towards the ones who earned it) once a week or so.  Why not? 

In my last post I tried to come up with the positives and negatives of being a submissive male.  Here I will try to cover the positives and negatives of being a Dominant Woman.  With this I will focus more upon lifestyle/relationships than having play partners or being a pro dominatrix.

By entering into the Dominant role, a woman accepts the following negatives:
She may have to perform certain activities she doesn't enjoy in order to keep her subs happy/content.
She will have to enforce rules and punishments for misbehaving subs.
She will have to locate quality submissive(s) (I've been told this can be a hard thing to do).

The Dominant role may grant a woman the following positives:
She can be the focal point of attention at all times.
She can avoid having to perform mundane and tedious tasks.
She can have any type of service or body worship performed at any time.
She can vent her aggressions on others without repercussions.
She can make demands that would be unrealistic in a vanilla relationship and expect them to be met.
She can partake in any type of sexual or kinky act without guilt and always have a willing participant.
She can make and change the rules as she sees fit.
She can exert as much control over or grant as much freedom for her sub as she sees fit.
She can always have company (or be alone) for any activity she might wish to partake in.

The list could go on much longer. 

From the look of things, the negatives of a woman being a Dominant range from somewhere into the realm of having an ordinary vanilla relationship and having a child/children.  The positives, on the other hand, are quite overwhelming.

I'm still curious as to why there aren't more Dommes.

The Good Things About Being a submissive male

No relationship is ever inherently 50/50.  There are always compromises to be made where one party's preferences are more closely met and the other is forced to compromise their preferences in order to keep the relationship functioning. The D/s dynamic is so interesting since its inherent foundation is one where the submissive party willing accepts to compromise nearly everything while the Dominant rarely if ever has to compromise anything at all.

While I like to consider myself to be a rational creature capable of making wise and responsible decisions, is that really the case when it comes to the D/s lifestyle?

By willingly entering into the submissive role I accept the following negatives:
I cannot make decisions for myself that interrupt my life/availability without permission.
I understand that my own desires and preferences will only be met if they are also shared by my Domme.
I will have to perform actions and tasks that I find unpleasant under threat of punishment.
I give up control over my sexual activity and accept that any sexual activity may occur in an unpleasant way.
I will undergo bodily harm and/or loss of freedoms/privileges for failing to meet my Domme's wishes.
The parameters of our relationship may change drastically at any time without my consent.

The submissive role grants me the following positives:
To be able to focus on my Domme's wishes to such an extent that I am not burdened by my own personal issues.
To be accepted by my Domme even with all of my "weird" idiosyncrasies.
A lifestyle that regularly includes my fetishes and turn-ons.

So... while I'd like to think that deep down I have a nobler purpose, in reality I'm a much more basic and borderline despicable in some ways.  With submission I get to leave my baggage at the door.  With submission she already accepts the things about me that would probably cause a vanilla woman to ditch me on the spot (or at least want to).  With submission there's lots of things that get me off.

I guess in reality submission is a way for me to shed (or at least have a break from) my insecurities.  It's easier in a lot of ways to have someone else directly determine your worth.  This is something that happens all the time in subversive ways, so it's nice to have things laid out in such a straight-forward manner. 

I feel like I should be ashamed of myself but I'm not sure if that's the right choice or if I should just accept that this is me.  I guess as long as I can make a woman happy I should just roll with it and be happy about that.

Top 10 Most Sissy Accessories

As I had written about my list-making assignments in the past, here is one example of a list that I had to make.  This one got her approval and eventually became integrated into my at home attire.

While coming up with sissy accessories might seem easy, please keep in mind that an item like a purse and most jewelry would be considered a given and unacceptable on the list. 

Top 10 Most Sissy Accessories (in any order)
1. Leg Warmers
2. Fur Ear Muffs
3. Tiny Back Pack
4. Arm Warmers
5. Chokers
6. Boas (Feather/Lamb/Fur)
7. Hair Adornments (clips, scrunchies, hairbands, etc.)
8. Fur Hand Muff
9. Bonnets
10. Charm Bracelets

If anyone has items they think would have made the list and still met my ex's criteria, please feel free to share.

List Making

My ex had a thing for inflicting heavy amounts of humilation.  Probably the only thing she might have enjoyed more was inflicting mental anguish over the anticipation of upcoming humiliation.  One of the things that drew her to me was my creativity and ability to think outside the box.  This led to what would be one of her favorite recurring assignments for me: making lists.

That might sound simple in a lot of ways, especially since it isn't that hard to rattle off a list.  What made it difficult was her expectations of me in making said list.  These lists usually entailed coming up with a list of humiliating things, punishments, unpleasant activities, etc.  A "good" list meant that they were things that would be incorporated into our lifestyle.  A "bad" list led to punishment and trying over and over until it met her standards.  To make a good list, everything on the list couldn't be too general but it couldn't be too specific either.  Also, anything that was completely ordinary... in a way that it was "already a given" was not acceptable.  It's tough to really explain it well, but a few examples might help to clarify things a bit.  For example, if I was given the task of listing a humiliating piece of feminine clothing for a sissy to wear, a bra or panties would not be an acceptable answer since by her assumptions, sissies should already be wearing a bra and panties so it would have to be beyond those items.  Another example would be coming up with a list of creative sexual punishments.  Something like orgasm denial wouldn't count because it was already a regular activity.    

She had me do these types of lists quite often, I think for a few reasons.  She wanted me to stay focused and always push the envelope of my limits.  She wanted me to think of things she would enjoy that were not things I would offer to her otherwise.  Mainly though, I think she just really took genuine pleasure at my mental anguish from being forced to come up with unpleasant ideas that were going to eventually be used on me. 

I will probably post some of these lists from time to time, but this is their back story.

Rules for Sissies in Winter

I know it's spring now, so this probably isn't applicable anymore but I just started this blog a couple of days ago and this missed its chance.  However, in my current situation my forced dressing still incorporates many winter items, even in the summer (fortunately for me, with the A/C on). 

Several years ago my 2nd Mistress ordered me to write up a list of rules that would be the most humiliating for a sissy in winter.  It was one of those lose-lose situations she would love to put me in... if she liked the rules they would become the new rules for outings.  If she didn't think i did a good enough job I was likely facing a severe beating, several weeks of orgasm denial, and a super-unpleasant humiliating outing as well as being forced to re-do the list over and over until it satisfied her.

Here is the list I came up with.  Luckily it pleased her.  My "reward" was an outing to the mall where She picked out items that fit the criteria set in the rules and forced me to model them for Her in the store while making the decisions.  Any time we bought something she made it clear to the salesgirl that it was for me.

1.  Sissies should only wear outerwear and accessories in pastels or white during winter (pinks, purples, powder blue, etc.).  Bold colors and neutrals are reserved for real girls.
2.  All of your accessories should match perfectly with your ensemble.  If you wear different color schemes, you should have a matching set of accessories for each.
3.  All of your sissy winter clothes should have embellishments that make them more feminine:  fur trim, fuzzy, pom poms, fringe, bows, buckles, etc.
4.  Real girls get cold due to differences in body chemistry and physique, so good sissies should always bundle up to the fullest and have appropriate clothes for winter on their hands, feet, head/ears, and neck.
5.  (from 4) If you are indoors in a public place, you must always keep at least two of your accessories on at all times (e.g. hat and scarf) to keep from "getting cold."
6.  Sissies are only allowed to wear mittens unless you can only find gloves to match your ensemble.
7.  Always wear boots if there is snow on the ground (they do not have to be winter-type boots).
8.  If you are wearing a skirt or dress, always wear tights to keep your legs warm.
9.  Hats are only permitted with a wig or natural long hair, if you have short hair you should only wear earmuffs or headbands to keep your true identity obvious.
10.  Tops should all be tight fitting to show that sissy nipples get perky too in the cold.
11.  Jingle bells are the perfect addition to show holiday spirit and draw attention.

Sissies in Chastity

My ex was a very firm believer that all submissive males (and actually all men in general) should be kept locked in chastity.  Her belief was that it kept them focused, well-behaved, obedient, and desperate.  When we had planned on moving in together with her wanting me dressed full time when home and after some of her Domme friends showed pictures she had her heart set on a "she-male" styled chastity belt offered by some of the belt manufacturers such as Locked in Steel.

I wasn't really big on the idea, but that was a bit selfish of me.  Over the years chastity has puzzled me a bit and I've thought about it a lot.  While I enjoy the idea of being controlled like that, having experienced it, there are some new depths of sub-space that are reached, but as a whole, the actuality of it can suck and be quite unpleasant over time. 

What I have found most odd are the men who are chastity fetishists.  Something has always seemed incredibly ironic to me about "getting off" at the idea of not being able to get off.  I think this is one of those examples that make me think men are quite silly a lot of the time and it's no wonder they can be so easily controlled. 

Chastity is an odd experience to have as it affects you on multiple levels.  The basic premise is simple: prevent the penis from achieving an erection and reaching climax (although there are devices that prevent any form of contact/stimulation as well as those designed to inflict pain upon attempted erection).  However, unlike erectile dysfunction/castration, most chastity devices allow for the wearer to ATTEMPT to get an erection but preventing the erect state from ever being reached.  The result is a state of extreme sexual frustration, and in some cases heightened sensitivity in other parts of the body.

This in between state of "I'm trying to get hard but I can't and I really want to" creates a rather unique flavor of sub-space that contains its own emotional process: frustration, desperation, depression, acceptance. 

A few things have struck me as interesting over the years observing relationships and from my own experiences.  The primary observation I have made over time is that: most Dominant Women tend to relish the idea of sexual control and the intensity of this idea grows stronger over time.

At any given time, the majority of Dommes will fall into one of the following categories:
1. She wishes for complete sexual control but shuns chastity devices in favor of honesty, trust, and self-control. 
2. She exerts complete sexual control and desires the use of a chastity device sporadically or when the sub is unsupervised.
3. She exerts complete sexual control and regularly uses chastity as a form of enforcement for punishment or training.
4. She exerts complete sexual control through the use of chastity and grants release only as a reward or not at all.

What really stands out to me is the natural tendency for Dommes within the lifestyle to naturally move down the list over time.  While chastity (or the thought of chastity) might start out as a reaction to a sub's misbehavior gradually develops into a form of pleasure for Her.  For a time she may derive pleasure from chastity but eventually she considers chastity a natural and everyday part of the D/s dynamic.

I know that not all Dommes will necessarily move down this path but i've seen it develop this way quite frequently over time in D/s relationships.  I consider this progression as the reason that most belt/device makers have kits/mods available to make their belts permanent. 

From the submissive point of view it's a bit more varied.  Most subs will dislike it (even if it's masked under the description of "I like it because Mistress likes it").  Some subs enjoy the idea of it but would hate the actual practice of it.  Those who are happy to wear chastity devices are much less common, but there's definitely hot beds of them around the net. 

I guess this is one of those topics on which I am split.  If I was giving advice to a Domme, I'd tell her to lock up your sub and make it incredibly difficult for him to earn a release.  Looking at myself, it's not something I really want to experience for great lengths ever again.

Colors and Contrast: Standing Out

I've chatted with a few other sissies over the years I have spent in the BDSM lifestyle and something that men have a tendency to miss that women tend to know all about is using contrasting shades and colors to accentuate certain outfits.

The traditional palette for male clothing, aside from those found on neck ties, is usually rather drab.  Insert neutral or dark colored pants, a solid color or plain-ish print (using a neutral color for the print), neutral or dark colored shoes, and depending upon the situation, sometimes a neutral jacket (or suit jacket that matches the pants), a belt that matches the shoes, and a neck tie that matches the overall scheme of things but possibly containing several different shades that compliment and match the shirt.

On the other hand, women's clothing covers such a wide and vibrant palette of colors that when a sissy is going to be dressing himself, unless he has a guiding eye to help, there's a good chance he will fail to garner maximum effect, especially if his goal is to go out and be noticed.

Being able to spot different shades of a common hue is a skill that women tend to be better at than men, but it is a skill that can be learned if you pay close enough attention.  Contrasting shades of a common hue will stand out more and if you are on an outing attempting to get some humiliating smirks and giggles, a light pink top with a matching dark pink skirt or pants will definitely stand out more and appear less like a jump-suit from a distance than having both items being the identical shade.

Clashing is a no no.  I was forced to learn good matching by my ex, who would pick one item and tell me to dress around that item.  I was punished if something didn't match, unless I didn't have anything else that matched it and in those cases I would find myself hiding a pink or lavender sweater under my coat out with her at the mall trying to find a matching mini skirt.

The contrast lesson was driven home a bit more firmly by my current Mistress after she decided to tie me up and take pictures of me.  Her complaint was that she didn't like the white outfit accented with white fur or a pink outfit accented with pink fur since it didn't stand out enough on camera. 

A couple of examples are pictured below.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Making of a Sissy Part 2

After the difficult end to that relationship I had made a decision to continue on within the BDSM lifestyle.  I spent some time in our local scene and several months later I met a very intriguing Domme at a local event.  We hit it off pretty well and soon after I found myself in regular contact courting her.

She was quite a bit different than other women I had known, including my ex.  Unlike my ex, this woman's dominance ran deep and completely to her core.  She didn't just enjoy the kinky aspects of the lifestyle, she thrived on Femdom and making men suffer in pretty much every way imaginable.  At the same time, she was a very caring and loving person.  While I probably should have approached with caution, I threw caution to the wind and dove in head first.

During our courting period she asked me many questions about my previous experiences and wanted to know all of my deepest, darkest secrets and desires.  When I told her about the punishments I had been receiving late in my previous relationship she could sense the great shame and humiliation it brought me while recounting those experiences and that drove her completely wild.  She also happened to love fur and it turned her on.

I must have made a good impression because within a couple of weeks we began seeing each other regularly.  Our times were split between going out shopping together or staying in for body worship and play.  Although she had been part of the BDSM scene for a long time, forced feminization was new territory for her but she thrived upon it and took great pleasure in shopping with me. 

She also had very few inhibitions about making things obvious in public.  I still have rather vivid memories of an outing to a department store where we found this exact hat during the Christmas season.  She put it on my head and made me model it for her with around a dozen women present within 20 feet of us.  She told the sales clerk that she didn't trust mirrors so it was better to have me wear it for her.
I can't remember another time where I was blushing so profusely and I was barely able to speak the rest of the day.

During our private times she was a firm believer in exerting control over my sexual activities.  Masturbation was only permitted with her present and I wasn't allowed to ejaculate during sex.  Continuing on with the later trends of my ex, I was only allowed orgasm while dressed in women's clothing but she took things a step further, adding sweaters, skirts, and stockings in addition to items similar to what my ex had used.  My masturbation outfit became a pink angora turtleneck sweater, a pair of pink satin panties, pink fishnet stockings, a fuschia micro skirt (that was so short it wouldn't cover my butt or genitals), a pink wool hat with a sparkly sequined snow flake on it and a large dangling pom pom from the top, a pair of huge pink fox fur earmuffs, a pink fur scarf, and a pair of pink wool mittens with fur cuffs.

She too would order me to masturbate while looking in a mirror while she watched over my shoulder and would tease my nipples and emasculate me verbally until I was nearly in tears.  This would continue for 45+ minutes until I was granted permission to cum.

What she was accounting for and I had failed to account for was that after 2 years of only being allowed to cum in this fashion, her goal was to condition my sexual response.  This became increasingly apparent when she introduced chastity devices into the mix after the first year and stopped having sex with me.  At first she would wait to remove the device until after I was dressed but after several months she started removing the device before I was dressed.  The first time she did this she noticed that I wasn't instantly hard upon the device's removal but once I started getting dressed I had a raging erection.  When I was completely dressed she ordered me to masturbate and then hissed in my ear that she had "ruined" me and that now I wouldn't be able to get hard unless I was dressed as a sissy.  I began to cry but she insisted I shouldn't worry because we would be together forever.

By this time we had made plans to live together and she began laying down ground rules for this to happen (chastity, dressed fully in women's clothing when home, etc.).  Soon after a few major events happened in each of our lives and we ended up parting ways when she relocated.

It donned on me then that things would be much more difficult for me from there on out.  Normal sex doesn't do it for me.  Normal porn doesn't do it for me.  I would only be able to get hard while dressed as a sissy and being humiliated or fantasizing about that. 

4+ years later I feel I have finally come to terms with who I am now.  I am a sissy... and probably always will be.

The Making of a Sissy Part 1

I will start this off by saying that I wasn't always a sissy.  I have always been submissive when it comes to women but the thought of dressing in women's clothing wasn't something that turned me on.

It all started off innocently... a relationship with a kinky woman and her wanting us to take our relationship to new sexual heights.  While it took some convincing, eventually she was able to get me to admit that I got extremely turned on by a woman wearing furs and boots and that I had a great affinity for the touch of fur and cashmere, the smell of leather and perfume, and I fantasized about a woman making me pleasure her repeatedly.

This lead to some great sex and to this day I still love to bury my face in a woman's fur collar and kiss her neck while I'm intoxicated by her perfume while she gently caresses my face with a gloved hand.  However, nothing could have prepared me for what was to follow.  After several weeks and shortly following our conversation about clothing (see the comfort and pleasure post) she asked me why I didn't own or wear any fur since she knew I enjoyed its touch.  My response was that almost all the fur out there was only available in women's clothing and that a men's fur coat didn't fit my style or budget nor was it really an acceptable fashion in most cases.

She told me that was stupid and could tell that I was a bit embarrassed.  She then asked me if I would be willing to wear fur in private while around her in the house or in the car and I could take it off before we got out of the car if we were going someplace.  I reluctantly agreed, she was immediately happy, and we went out shopping the next day.  We visited a couple of department stores and she picked out a variety of items that we purchased including a long fur scarf, a fur tie on collar, a pair of leather gloves lined with fur and with fur cuffs, a fur headband, a pair of fur earmuffs, a knit hat with a fur trim, a pair of fur cuffs meant to embellish a sweater or coat, and fur muff.  She tried on every item and modeled it for me, every so often teasing me by gently rubbing my face with the fur.  She was giggling the whole time and it was obviously turning her on to tease me.  I was pretty much silent, blushing, and also very turned on.

I was a bit uneasy at all of the things we were picking out, many of which were way too feminine to be considered unisex (even though they were all black).  I could tell she had planned to pick up a large variety of things from the start and when she made up her mind, that's how it would happen.  If I questioned something she said that it was for her and for me not to get worried about it.

Upon returning home she had me undress and put on the long scarf, gloves, and hat.  She put on a few other items (as well as some she already had) and we had some amazing sex.  Life didn't change too much but she wanted me to wear the scarf whenever we were at home (including while I slept) and when we were in the car together.  It started to feel a bit normal.

Around this time our relationship had grown very serious and she dropped a bit of information on me that changed my life forever.  She had spent several years active in the BDSM scene and didn't want to live a life without kink.  She had mostly been a submissive but had done some dominating and that too had "done it" for her.  She spent a lot of time describing to me that I was a natural submissive and overall, it turned me on a lot to think of her tying me up and having kinky sex.  By the end of the conversation, it was decided:  I was going to be her submissive lover and we were going to practice BDSM as a lifestyle.

The whole experience was very exhilarating.  I loved her more than ever and the sex was unmatched.  I felt safe knowing she loved me and wouldn't leave me as long as things stayed on course.  She was getting her fix and we were reaching a level of closeness I had never experienced before with a woman.  Her personality grew very dominant and she developed a very strict set of rules for our daily life that I was to follow to a T or be punished.  In all honesty, that turned me on a lot and made me love her more and I realized that I really was a very submissive person.

Things didn't stay great forever.  She developed some health issues and I ran into some troubles with finances, work, and school, all of which raised the stress level of our relationship.  We began to argue and fight for the first time in our relationship. 

She would get angry with me and instead of talking through our problems she began to default to her Femdom state whenever any problem would arise.  Her punishments were three-pronged:  emotional, sexual, and physical.  Usually it followed a process of time out followed by forced masturbation with orgasm denial (often leading to painful blue balls for an extended period) and then some corporal punishment. 

It was during this time that fur and women's clothing became part of the punishment.  She began buying extremely girly panties (usually "ruffle butt" style) and very feminine fur items.  A regular time out might have me kneeling in the corner for a few hours wearing a pair of pink panties, pink mittens with pink fur cuffs, a pink fur scarf, a pink hat, and a pair of pink fur earmuffs (although she would change up the clothing each time).  When the time was up she would enter the room, face me towards a mirror, force me to look at myself, and order me to masturbate without cumming for an extended period of time.  While that was happening she would call me a sissy and tease me about masturbating while dressed in women's clothes and fur.  After several days of blue balls and I was finally permitted relief, my orgasms were performed while dressed up in a punishment outfit and masturbating in front of a mirror while she would harass me verbally.

The outside factors causing stress in our relationship steadily grew worse and our relationship grew more and more toxic and with each argument her punishments grew more and more severe.  During the final months of our relationship my only orgasms occurred while she had me dressed up in girly clothes and furs while looking in the mirror and her words humiliating and embarrassing me.  Girly is a better adjective than feminine since everything was colored in pinks, lavenders, fuschias, etc. and consisted of items that many women won't wear (ear muffs, hats with huge pom poms, fuzzy mittens, etc.).

Our relationship ended in a rather bad way that was quite painful.

Later I would find that this was only the beginning.

To be continued.

Fetishism in Men and Women

I spent a long time trying to come to terms with fetishes that I developed over the years and did a lot of research on the hows and whys of fetish development.  While reflecting upon the information I had gathered that was generally accepted amongst the psychiatric community I started to think about why there was such a gender imbalance in fetish communities on the internet.  Men tend to outnumber women by such a wide margin it got me thinking about the double standards for what is acceptable for men and women to relate with sexually.

Fetishes generally develop by repeated masturbation to a particular subject matter over a long period of time.  In order to avoid developing a fetish it is recommended to keep a wide variety of subject matter/fantasies that you masturbate to.  Why then are men more prone to develop a strong sexual obsession over something in particular than women?  The conclusion I came to was that women tend to be more open sexually, are able to communicate these things (especially with other women), and society is generally more accepting of things that turn women on so that there is no guilt or shame for them to feel that way.

If a woman gets turned on every time she wears leather pants the tendency is for her friends to accept that about her, her lovers will most likely enjoy that she can be easily turned on in that way, and she can simply wear leather pants whenever she wants to and have a very strong and guilt-free sexual response.

On the other hand, if a typical heterosexual man were to have the same turn on, his friends would likely belittle him if they knew, his lovers would probably think he was weird unless they shared that as a turn on, and in most situations he couldn't wear leather pants around without receiving at least a mild negative response.

Thus it is the man that keeps his desires bottled up inside and secret from the rest of the world, masturbating while fantasizing about his turn on and feeling ashamed and guilty afterward for it being something a bit out of the ordinary (he wasn't thinking about breasts, vaginas, legs, etc.).  Fast forward this several years and what began as a simple turn on has grown into an obsession or fetish.

A tip I would have for women, if you find a man and really want to make him yours, find out his deepest and darkest fetishes and fantasies and accept him as is.  You do not need to go along with his actual fetishes, just merely convince him that he is okay in your eyes and isn't all that weird.  While keeping him feeling a bit self-conscious about what really turns him on might not be the most emotionally healthy road to travel, it does give you leverage for exerting power in the relationship.

I had been fantasizing about confident women dressed in fur coats for over a decade and feeling ashamed and guilty about being more turned by that than a naked woman before a woman made me feel okay about myself for feeling that way.  By that time it was too late... the fetish was set in stone and a confident woman in a fur coat instantly makes me weak in the knees.

Comfort and Pleasure in Men's and Women's Clothing.

A few years ago, before I ever stumbled into the world of BDSM, I was in a serious relationship with a very sensual and kinky woman.  She was very beautiful, had an insatiable sex-drive, and was crazy about me for the person that I was at that time.

One evening we were having a random conversation and we got on the topic of men's vs. women's clothing.  She was curious why I had very little interest in my own clothing but I loved to shop with her for clothes for her and I often gave her gifts of clothes as well.  I felt that most men's clothing was fairly drab and in most cases, as long as the clothes fit well and were "nice," most men's clothing didn't have a heavy bearing on their appearance and had even less of a bearing on comfort.  I also mentioned that aside from shoes and certain types of undergarments that women's clothing was designed to be more comfortable and pleasing to the touch than men's clothing. 

She agreed with me on the first part and started to mention something about wearing very expensive suits but retracted it feeling that while an expensive suit might look nice, a less expensive suit might look nearly as nice, and so as long as it didn't look crappy or cheap, it didn't have much effect on what she deemed attractive.  She did, however, ask me to clarify a bit on the comfort/pleasure aspect and I replied with a few examples from shopping trips we had gone on and gifts that I had purchased for her.  She hadn't really thought about it before but agreed that the number of different fabrics and blends available in women's clothing was rather extensive and often reflected a great focus on comfort when involving materials such as silks and cashmere and even more basic items like the denim used in women's vs. men's jeans and the materials used in socks.

Luxury items accentuated these inequalities even more with tactile pleasures of items like fur and high quality leather as well as the relative acceptability of their use in each gender's fashion styles.  She then stated that she was glad that she was a woman.