I realized this past weekend just how much my daily mindset has changed since I first started writing this blog. I kind of regret bursting out my first 40 posts or so before I really had many readers. I think a few of those earlier posts would be useful to some of you out there. If you find any that you would like me to re-post, please let me know here or by email.
When I first started writing it was for catharsis and understanding. Now that I have written quite a bit and come to terms with many of the emotions that had confused me before, I find myself craving input and comments from others to find inspiration for writing. Thank you to everyone who has posted comments or emailed me, those are the things that seem to keep me going.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Adjusting Our Arrangement
As I wrote a couple of posts ago, Mistress and I have been going through some hard times on a relationship level. The fire hadn't been burning for quite some time. After several discussions and a few arguments that almost led to us breaking up in the past week, we were finally able to communicate a bit and reach some common ground and understanding, and the spark managed to relight a bit.
We went out shopping and when we returned Mistress put on the sweater I got for her last X-mas and jumped my bones. I fell into a pretty hard subspace and in that state I fell into the person that she has wanted me to be (and she let me know that). Then I tried to talk about things, honestly, from my submissive state.
While we have been together for several years, I have a few more years worth of BDSM experience having served several Mistresses in the past before I met her. She was rather new when we met and she doesn't have a large repository of experiences with other subs to draw from in terms of techniques or continuous lifestyle dominance. She has tried a few things in the past that didn't work very well and they seemed to have shattered her confidence to the point where she was unwilling to do much or say much about her needs. The reason I'm mentioning this now is because it will hopefully clarify a bit what happened next.
When we started to talk it became abundantly clear that she sought out ways to make me be this way more consistently. I had been craving this subspace for what felt like months and I did what my gut told me to do, which was to lay out a road map to help guide her. This was received and appreciated by her. I know it was pretty much topping from the bottom, but at the same time it was what she wanted me to do: open up and tell her what things put me and kept me in subspace.
I was intoxicated with the moment, my love for her, and the submissive feelings that I crave so much that I just started to say some things even though I knew in my head I will likely regret many of the things I told her.
1. Do not pay any attention to my penis during play. While I get very aroused during play and enjoy having sexual pleasure, once I hit a certain level of arousal it tends to cloud my head and my priority becomes finding a way to climax more than pleasuring her. While my orgasms always wait until after hers, over the past year or so, she has started to tease my cock too early into the play session for me to remain in a state that is dominated by submission rather than arousal. My advice was to ignore my cock (or even lock it up in chastity) and to focus on her own things. If she caught me playing with myself at all during play I told her to flip me over and spank me (which is something she really enjoys doing).
2. Play shouldn't always end with my orgasm. I shouldn't orgasm during play. Post orgasm I go into the standard exhausted/selfish state that men are prone to. If she wants me to be more affectionate after play I just shouldn't orgasm. During the times that we are very sexually active I tend to have problems with plumbing backups that lead to blue balls/pain. My orgasms should be used only ease that state or prevent it from becoming too painful. I also asked her to come up with some form of ritual or circumstances in order to make my orgasms a shameful experience (which is more likely to avoid sub drop in its aftermath).
I had reached a state of swollen discomfort by the time I had made her orgasm a dozen times or so, so she did allow me to orgasm afterward. She had me wear a pink hat with a fur pom pom and had me masturbate into the toilet while she twisted my nipples. About two minutes after orgasm it donned on me what I had told her and I was thinking "I don't think I really want that." It's weird, because deep down I do know I really want that, but I also don't want it.
I realize now that I hadn't talked about those ideas before even though I knew my submissive side wanted them. Usually I would hit such an aroused state where it went beyond the point of submission and I really wanted to cum.
In my previous relationships this wasn't as much of an issue since they were a bit more well-versed in lifestyle dominance and most days were kept full of surprises and kink. I shouldn't really try to over-think it I guess, just see how things go and try to work from there.
We went out shopping and when we returned Mistress put on the sweater I got for her last X-mas and jumped my bones. I fell into a pretty hard subspace and in that state I fell into the person that she has wanted me to be (and she let me know that). Then I tried to talk about things, honestly, from my submissive state.
While we have been together for several years, I have a few more years worth of BDSM experience having served several Mistresses in the past before I met her. She was rather new when we met and she doesn't have a large repository of experiences with other subs to draw from in terms of techniques or continuous lifestyle dominance. She has tried a few things in the past that didn't work very well and they seemed to have shattered her confidence to the point where she was unwilling to do much or say much about her needs. The reason I'm mentioning this now is because it will hopefully clarify a bit what happened next.
When we started to talk it became abundantly clear that she sought out ways to make me be this way more consistently. I had been craving this subspace for what felt like months and I did what my gut told me to do, which was to lay out a road map to help guide her. This was received and appreciated by her. I know it was pretty much topping from the bottom, but at the same time it was what she wanted me to do: open up and tell her what things put me and kept me in subspace.
I was intoxicated with the moment, my love for her, and the submissive feelings that I crave so much that I just started to say some things even though I knew in my head I will likely regret many of the things I told her.
1. Do not pay any attention to my penis during play. While I get very aroused during play and enjoy having sexual pleasure, once I hit a certain level of arousal it tends to cloud my head and my priority becomes finding a way to climax more than pleasuring her. While my orgasms always wait until after hers, over the past year or so, she has started to tease my cock too early into the play session for me to remain in a state that is dominated by submission rather than arousal. My advice was to ignore my cock (or even lock it up in chastity) and to focus on her own things. If she caught me playing with myself at all during play I told her to flip me over and spank me (which is something she really enjoys doing).
2. Play shouldn't always end with my orgasm. I shouldn't orgasm during play. Post orgasm I go into the standard exhausted/selfish state that men are prone to. If she wants me to be more affectionate after play I just shouldn't orgasm. During the times that we are very sexually active I tend to have problems with plumbing backups that lead to blue balls/pain. My orgasms should be used only ease that state or prevent it from becoming too painful. I also asked her to come up with some form of ritual or circumstances in order to make my orgasms a shameful experience (which is more likely to avoid sub drop in its aftermath).
I had reached a state of swollen discomfort by the time I had made her orgasm a dozen times or so, so she did allow me to orgasm afterward. She had me wear a pink hat with a fur pom pom and had me masturbate into the toilet while she twisted my nipples. About two minutes after orgasm it donned on me what I had told her and I was thinking "I don't think I really want that." It's weird, because deep down I do know I really want that, but I also don't want it.
I realize now that I hadn't talked about those ideas before even though I knew my submissive side wanted them. Usually I would hit such an aroused state where it went beyond the point of submission and I really wanted to cum.
In my previous relationships this wasn't as much of an issue since they were a bit more well-versed in lifestyle dominance and most days were kept full of surprises and kink. I shouldn't really try to over-think it I guess, just see how things go and try to work from there.
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