Monday, October 17, 2011

Drawing - Domme ensemble

I really like this ensemble. 

A drawing for Kimmy

I had a caption in mind but this falls more into the portrait category.  It would have read something along the lines of "I got a matching one for you, too."

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Push & Pull: The Mind-Fuck and Conflicting Emotions

This is another post related to some things I wrote recently on Marc and Cleo's blog.  

I've recently had a few chats with a sub that has very similar fetishes to mine: being force feminized and humiliated with a lot of fur involved.  In our chats he mentioned something that really hit home with me and that is the idea of conflicting emotions.

I've felt conflicting emotions many many times but I've never described it so simply.  It's such a simple description but I understood exactly what he meant and it took so very few words.

This is really the core of the mind-fuck: to put a sub in a position of intense conflicting emotions of both extreme arousal and extreme emotional discomfort. 

Very few Dommes really do this well, probably because it really requires a wicked cruel streak to get off on watching your sub having a huge erection while crying tears of shame.  If it doesn't get her off, she has no reason to do it (well), and I just don't know that many Dommes that really enjoy it.

As a sub, I guess I'm a bit twisted.  It tends to be the emotional conflict that turns me on and deepens my subspace more than the activity itself.  Without the humiliation, forced feminization is meaningless to me.  I have no desire to be a woman, dress as a woman, or be able to pass as a woman.  I do desire to be forced to half-assedly dress in some women's garments and be mocked for how stupid I look.  I would be terrified if any "outsider" saw me, but being seen and laughed at by a (female) "outsider" turns me on.

I guess this shows how far I have come to terms with myself as a submissive.  I'm no longer embarrassed to state that I am a submissive and enjoy kinky activities (almost all of our vanilla friends and my parents are aware of this).  There was a time when the threat of having this exposed was mortifying.  As I have come to accept my submissive nature as a part of me, the fear is gone.  On its basic level the idea of being exposed as someone who enjoys bondage or body worship can no longer be used as a mind-fuck without a lot of creativity.

As I constantly write about, I'm not comfortable with nor readily accepted myself as a sissy.  I doubt I ever will.  This will probably leave me open to mind-fucks on this subject for the rest of my life.  Part of me is at peace with that because I hate to think what the next step would be if I needed something even more intense to get me off.

As to what inspired the subject matter of this post...
The sub I was chatting with gets mind-fucked a LOT.  He referenced being forced to try this on at a store as the only time he was brought to tears.

To this day, one of my biggest mind-fucks was having my Mistress at the time make me try this on in a crowded department store.  I was so humiliated I thought I was going to throw up and/or cry but I managed to tough it out with a bright red face, unable to speak or lift my eyes from the ground. 

Constant Pressure - Chastity Experiences

 We've been having some great discussions over at a newer blog called From Vanilla To Kinky - Our FLR Journey.  One of the topics we touched on recently included chastity.

I know that I've written about that before but Marc and Cleo have been stopping by and reading so I felt it was more appropriate to elaborate on this subject here rather than clogging up their comments on a topic that was a minor part of the discussion.

As my long-time readers know, I have some limited experiences with chastity.  I've never worn a CB for an extended period of time but I have worn them from time to time and we own three of them.  Chastity is a subject that brings up many mixed emotions in me and it's complicated to the point where I barely understand it (but I will try to in this post).  I am not really a chastity enthusiast but there are some special things it is capable of doing.

One of my ex's (after we were no longer together but we remained on decent terms) developed a super hardline approach to chastity.  "All male subs should be kept in chastity all the time.  They just can't stay out of trouble without them," is what she said to me during one of our chats.  When I asked if they should be allowed out at all, and if so, how often, she responded, saying once or twice a year is more than enough.

My first reaction was "oh wow?!" both at the fact that she said that and even more so that I had an erection.  Would I want that?  No.  Could I handle that?  Probably not well.  So what was it about it that got me going?  The thought of being with a woman that would be so strict and cruel that she would enforce that upon me, half under the guise of keeping me well behaved yet mainly rooted in the idea that she would love watching me suffer in a chastity belt. 

After thinking about it for some time, I realized I actually agree with her reasons.  Chastity belts can have such a powerful effect and they hit home in many different ways.
-As a preventative measure from touching without permission.
-As a deterrent for misbehavior: behave or you'll stay locked up another week/month/year. 
-As a symbol of ownership: she who has the keys owns what's inside.

-An increase in submissive awareness: every time you even attempt an erection you'll remember.
-An easy target for a mind-fuck: to him, release might be the most important thing in the world but for her, it probably doesn't even matter so she can mess with it all she wants.
-A perpetuating submissive loop: it turns him on that she controls him, but he can't get it up which reminds him that she controls him, this turns him on, etc.

I'm sure I could rattle off at least 20 other things but it's probably obvious what I'm alluding to.  Basically, there's lots of benefits from enforcing chastity. 

There are subs out there that are completely capable of exerting enough self-control to not "cheat" by playing with themselves.  However, this situation usually involves constant D/s interactions keeping him in subspace so that he won't drift into fantasy and rub one out.  If your day to day lives have factors preventing such interactions from happening regularly, he will probably slip up at least once in a while.  For many Dommes, once is still too many.

Even under circumstances where he is completely obedient in this regards, a chastity device is a big slap in the face.  "I know you're obedient but I'm going to lock you up anyways." 

A few quick notes before I proceed.  I have a very tight scrotum and tender skin, both of which make budget-friendly devices (under $400) very uncomfortable for prolonged wear.  I am not circumcised so removal for daily cleaning also adds to the inconvenience. My current Mistress is not a chastity enthusiast so we have never desired to budget for a more expensive belt that would fit me well for prolonged wear.

When I have been in chastity, it's ripe with inner conflict.  The idea of the CB turns me on, so my penis constantly tries to get erect, only to have the CB prevent said erection and make me horribly aware of the situation.  This in turn arouses me that I'm being forced to wear a CB and I try to get hard... loop loop. 

It's a hard feeling to describe but it puts sexual frustration off the charts.  One time when wearing one Mistress put a fur scrunchie on over the belt and behind the balls.  Every time I moved got the fur rubbing against my scrotum and the base of my penis.  It was heaven and hell.

An odd bi-product is that I have found when in a CB my nipples get extremely erect and sensitive. 

Something I'm not sure of is that I think I get turned on by the idea of CB's because it's a controlled situation where I know it will be removed soon (within 12 hours).  The idea of being locked up for say, 3 months, is more of a fantasy than realistic event that I would ever want to experience (stupid male syndrome), yet this still turns me on. I think I can chalk this one up to the abused slave fantasy although if I were ever able to experience a belt that didn't hurt I'm not 100% sure on where I stand.  I love to orgasm but I can openly admit I'm a better sub when denied and frustrated.

Mistress locked me in chastity the first time she pegged me and I think that really increased the intensity of my feelings on the subject.  The "this is for my pleasure and you'll have none" aspect of it had me into the deepest subspace I've ever experienced.