I received some comments from Mrs Fever on my post Why I give up control in regards to my adopted father's role in his marriage to my adopted mother.
My adopted father was a very emotionally repressed person. He was raised in a small sect of an Old Testament-based puritanical religion. For those who aren't familiar with what that means, it was basically being raised around the principles from the "fire and brimstone" era of the Bible. Sin and go to hell. It differed greatly from more common versions of Christianity that are more about love and forgiveness. He was one of the middle children of 6 and grew up quite poor. e.g. all 6 of them shared one bicycle. He would work after school at his family's business and once a week would get enough allowance to buy a candy bar and a comic book.
His father was a strict disciplinarian. His mother deferred to his father for everything. Two years before I was adopted his mother died from cancer and on her death bed her final words before she died were, "I hope God can forgive you for marrying her." Her = my adopted mother = not of their religion. After that moment he never again told my adopted mother that he loved her and the slow process of their marriage's erosion ensued. His family's belief was that my mother's tubal pregnancy that rendered her unable to bear children was seen as God's punishment for her unwillingness to convert to their religion. Needless to say, I never got close with my father's side of the family.
There weren't many opportunities available to him, which led to his rage and the subsequent beatings I would receive if I didn't want to do something. It made me an ungrateful spoiled brat because when he was my age, he would have killed for the opportunity to do it. As I was quite small until I turned 15, this was enough to keep me compliant with most things. There really wasn't any love or affection. We never had those bonding father/son talks. I learned about sex and anatomy from Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler magazines I bought from a friend. If I played badly at little league I would be lucky if he spoke two words to me until I was able to redeem myself in a future game. Eventually I became neurotic, feeling like I had to be perfect and amazing in order to earn any type of acknowledgment. My father was the Picasso of piss poor communicators that would repress emotions until they boiled over. Unfortunately he would speak with his fists, but at least then we had the consolation of knowing what he was feeling rather than sifting through and deciphering passive aggressive secret codes.
With that in mind, it is probably a shock that my mother dominated the relationship. In most cases one would probably assume that my parents held some form of 1950's household or something more closely resembling his parents marriage. My father wasn't particularly interesting. He was above average intelligence but not particularly smart. He had relatively few social skills and poor understanding of human emotion. I honestly don't know how he reached the professional position that he did. As his childhood home was one where the mother did all of the "women's work," he never learned how to do much around the house. As they were dirt poor, he never learned to manage money and finances. His upbringing kept his social ties limited. Most of his experiences were part of being with his brothers that were close in age or other people of the same religion. Basically, he depended upon people just being there and wasn't good at meeting people, let alone making friends with them. I suppose this was probably difficult being a teen when drinking smoking, dancing, kissing, listening to "devil music," and the like were all damnable offenses.
Overall, he had very few life skills. He couldn't cook. He couldn't clean something that wasn't a car. He couldn't do laundry. He couldn't grocery shop. He couldn't balance his checkbook. My mother managed everything at home, from finances to which family friends we were going to spend time with, where we were going on vacation, what we were eating that night, and so on. While he was the primary breadwinner, he had very little control over the family as a whole.
My adopted mother was a bit of a hen-pecker, and this got worse over time. She constantly has to have everything be exactly as she wants it, even if that means over-extending herself into a stressed out and frantic state. She refuses help that won't do things exactly as she envisions them and then complains about how she has to do it all herself. While her heart is in the right place, she is the type that erodes people's self-confidence slowly over time with under-handed cryptic words and ensuring that people will fail to meet her expectations. This was the basic example presented to me on how relationships are supposed to work.
Post-divorce, my mother married a man that she could outright bully into compliance. She would press and press and press until my step-father would finally try to stand up for himself. She would then counter with why he's wrong, and press in a different way until he gave in. Out of the gate she seized control over everything she had controlled in the previous marriage.
My father married a woman that could be kindly described as a "cold-hearted bitch." Her demeanor in relationships was something along the lines of, "I tolerate you. You're an idiot. I'm always right. This is how things are." This woman was a long-time friend of the family and we had seen her break down her first husband in a way led to an earlier divorce. It was obvious before they married that she was calling all the shots and my father carried the shame of living in her ex-husband's shadow (who had made a lot more money than he did).
Out of these four parental figures, while my step-father had the highest IQ, my step-mother won out on tenacity, psychological warfare, and understanding how to manipulate people. In all of the relationships it was obvious that the woman was the primary shot-caller and the man's role was to facilitate her will.
The rest of this post doesn't really pertain to my father, but does relate back to the Why I give up control post.
Some time ago I had also written about how my class in school was one that was riding the backlash of a multi-million dollar sexual harassment lawsuit against the school district that the district lost badly. As part of the settlement, they clamped down on the rules so strongly to where the typical adolescent ritual of flirting was crippled. The rules as they were put in place, gave girls an immense level of power over the boys. If a boy made a girl feel uncomfortable, she only had to report him and he would be suspended and/or expelled. There were 2-3 years worth of students that basically were scared to flirt, date, and the like.
If you were a boy and interested in a girl, everything had to be done outside of school. This usually required having a platonic friendship first before trying to advance things to a relationship level. If you were a boy you didn't get to know a girl "in that way" in school or ask them out on a date to get to know them. The rules were written in such a way that girls could make advances on boys, but not the other way around. With the exception of the students that transferred into our district, in say, 1993 or later, the girls were empowered and boys were relatively passive.
Needless to say, the majority of my friends that ended up in relationships mirrored the relationship between my parents and step parents. The girls were the ones who chose them. They were the shot-callers. The boys went along with what they wanted. This is just how things were.
Sometimes it seems like everything in my life helped steer me to this lifestyle.
Friday, September 29, 2017
Milestone: Post 1000
Apparently my last post was post #1000.
I want to say thank you to all my readers and those who have supported me over the years. You mean a lot to me.
Take care.
I want to say thank you to all my readers and those who have supported me over the years. You mean a lot to me.
Take care.
Thoughts on contrarianism in D/s
I'm sure that almost everyone has encountered at least one person in their lives that exhibits contrary or defiant behavior or thought processes. They don't want to do something until they are told not to. They don't want something until they are told they can't have it. If something is established as popular belief they will come up with an opposing view simply because they do not want to be told what they should think. An illogical example is the person who wants to break up with their significant other until the s.o. decides to break it off first, then they become dead set on saving the relationship.
I've never been one of these people but I am a bit fascinated by this behavior. At times I've been curious of the roots of this all. The best I have been able to put together is that people want to feel free and independent. Once they feel tethered by restrictions or limited options, they feel an impulse to free themselves from them and prove that they have the power to be in control of what they want to do. I could be wrong, this is just my own interpretation of things.
Out of the dominants I have known, the majority of them who discovered their desire for dominance at a young age seem to rarely, if ever, engage in this type of behavior. By the time they are well into adulthood they tend to exhibit a great deal of emotional control and are more likely to think deeply before they react. These dominants tend to know what they want and how/when they want it.
When it comes to newer dominants, that have say (as an arbitrary number), five or less years within the role, I find there's noticeable percentage that will build preferences and dynamics around contrary ideas. Here are some examples:
-If the sub dislikes something, it makes them want to do it more.
-If the sub likes something, it makes them want to control it, limit it, deny it, or corrupt it into something the sub doesn't like.
Again, I'm not certain why this happens. When I have spoken to Dommes of this nature they aren't even sure of why this happens but there is often a sexual response. When I read into it, it leads me to believe that the core is probably linked to their understanding of power and control. They see power as the ability to make someone do what they do not want to do and control as the ability to limit what acts the sub partakes in regardless of the sub's preferences. In many cases, the opposing nature of the sub's preferences will outweigh nearly all of their established kinks up to that point. I personally find this to be absolutely fascinating as this has the ability to shape a developing Domspace.
I also find it a bit terrifying. In cases where "fit" is concerned, both parties approach a potential relationship with their own preferences in mind and see how well they line up and whether or not compromise is possible. A contrary dominant may have some principles they will not budge on, but with many other activities they will adapt themselves around the sub. "Oh, that feels good? I will stop now and never do that ever again. Oh, this hurts and is uncomfortable? I will make sure to do it from now on." In a way, it is personally tailoring cruelty and has the potential to be very intimidating.
From a submissive perspective this is an odd idea to think about. Having all of my preferences countered perfectly drives me deep into submissive mental space. If all of the rules and dynamics were crafted around these principles, it would be a fearsome lifestyle to behold.
I've never been one of these people but I am a bit fascinated by this behavior. At times I've been curious of the roots of this all. The best I have been able to put together is that people want to feel free and independent. Once they feel tethered by restrictions or limited options, they feel an impulse to free themselves from them and prove that they have the power to be in control of what they want to do. I could be wrong, this is just my own interpretation of things.
Out of the dominants I have known, the majority of them who discovered their desire for dominance at a young age seem to rarely, if ever, engage in this type of behavior. By the time they are well into adulthood they tend to exhibit a great deal of emotional control and are more likely to think deeply before they react. These dominants tend to know what they want and how/when they want it.
When it comes to newer dominants, that have say (as an arbitrary number), five or less years within the role, I find there's noticeable percentage that will build preferences and dynamics around contrary ideas. Here are some examples:
-If the sub dislikes something, it makes them want to do it more.
-If the sub likes something, it makes them want to control it, limit it, deny it, or corrupt it into something the sub doesn't like.
Again, I'm not certain why this happens. When I have spoken to Dommes of this nature they aren't even sure of why this happens but there is often a sexual response. When I read into it, it leads me to believe that the core is probably linked to their understanding of power and control. They see power as the ability to make someone do what they do not want to do and control as the ability to limit what acts the sub partakes in regardless of the sub's preferences. In many cases, the opposing nature of the sub's preferences will outweigh nearly all of their established kinks up to that point. I personally find this to be absolutely fascinating as this has the ability to shape a developing Domspace.
I also find it a bit terrifying. In cases where "fit" is concerned, both parties approach a potential relationship with their own preferences in mind and see how well they line up and whether or not compromise is possible. A contrary dominant may have some principles they will not budge on, but with many other activities they will adapt themselves around the sub. "Oh, that feels good? I will stop now and never do that ever again. Oh, this hurts and is uncomfortable? I will make sure to do it from now on." In a way, it is personally tailoring cruelty and has the potential to be very intimidating.
From a submissive perspective this is an odd idea to think about. Having all of my preferences countered perfectly drives me deep into submissive mental space. If all of the rules and dynamics were crafted around these principles, it would be a fearsome lifestyle to behold.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Why I give up control
I believe for many, the most difficult aspect of D/s is the act of truly giving up control. Many activities in the lifestyle feel quite momentary. You have a task, you complete it, done. You play or have kinky sex, you complete it, done. While there may be rules out there, in many cases following them are optional, and breaking them only matters if you get caught, right?
Truly giving up control has no off switch. Even when you are asked for an opinion, suggestion, or preference, that notion that you are expressing yourself in a meaningful way is because the dominant chooses it.
When I talk to "kink-curious" individuals, newer subs, and the like, the control aspect is frequently their biggest hangup. How do you trust someone enough to give up control? Some of it is faith, the rest is doing your best to read the dominant and hope their character and nature are conducive to the responsibility of control before making this choice. I think what they are really getting at is why someone would want to truly give up control.
If the answers were only about kink, then bedroom roleplay would probably be enough for people to get their fix. Yet people press on. I believe the reasons behind this are extremely personal. It's often easier to cite ideals and principles that guard our emotions from being exposed, e.g. female superiority, but I think deep down, that people who reach this point do so gradually, over a long period of time.
I can speak from my own experiences as to why I relinquish control. I always had too much control. I was one of those kids that got left home alone fairly young because my parent's trusted that I wouldn't burn the house down or go running to that windowless van with the "Free Puppies" sign on it. After my parents divorce this got taken to the extreme quite a bit. At 16 I started being left alone for weeks on end. If I wanted to eat, I had to cook or have enough money to order take-out, delivery, or go out to eat. If I missed school there was no parent/guardian around to call in and excuse the absence. If I was sick I had to go in, get checked in, go to the nurse's office and have her excuse me from school in order to avoid detention/suspension/loss of grades. While I had a lot more freedoms than most of my peers, I also had a lot of responsibilities. Laundry. Every meal. Work. Car maintenance. House maintenance.
Basically, I had a lot of freedom but also had to bear the responsibility of my choices. I ended up very independent, but also quite lonely at times. I can remember the ache of being up at 3am watching Cinemax so that I could exhaust my brain in order to sleep. From age 16 to 24 I was alone a lot. I had the freedom to make whatever choices I wanted to because I didn't have to consider others in my life a lot of the time. If I wanted to sit around and play video games all day I could do that. If I wanted to go to a concert that wouldn't let out until 2:30am when I had to wake up for school the next day at 6am I could do that. Eventually, it got tiresome. That freedom didn't bring me happiness. The freedom just reminded me how lonely I was. It reminded me of how badly I wanted to have someone special in my life. It let me know that having to consider someone else with my choices was far better than answering only to myself.
As my high school friendships had all but vanished by the time I was in my early 20's, I found myself feeling quite isolated, invisible in the masses of a huge university, and dreading the "rest of my life." If the rest of my life was going to be as empty and unfulfilling as things were... was something I didn't want. In my evaluation of self I began to sift through which of my personal characteristics were important to me... and which ones were not. In the end I found that all I really cared about were the things that no one could take from me: my mind, my thoughts, my tastes, my experiences, and so on.
The list of things that were unimportant was rather extensive. They mattered so little to me. I didn't care about my hairstyle, the style clothes that I wore, the places that I went, the part of town I lived in, and so on. My habits were a way to kill time. Make the days pass in as pleasant a way as possible. If I had something better to do, I would have dropped them in a heart beat.
I wanted nothing more than to love and to be loved. I wanted someone to be there when I lay down in bed. I wanted someone to be there when I woke up. I wanted someone who I had to think about when making decisions and anticipating her reactions to the choices I would make before I made them. I wanted someone there who would approve when I exercised sound judgment and answer me honestly when I did not. I wanted someone to grow old with.
In a relationship, I expected to conform. My adopted father conformed to my adopted mother. When they divorced and both remarried, I watched my stepfather conform to my mother and my father conform to my stepmother. Nearly all of my male friends conformed to their girlfriends. In the world I was in, the woman always took the lead. It was about the male giving her what she wanted and hopefully having enough time left to have some of his own time too. Even in the absence of kink, this is how I viewed relationships.
By the time I found love and D/s, giving up control was no problem. I had lived by my own rules and it never made me happy. I wanted to have to check in if I was going to be late. I wanted to be told where we were going for dinner and who we would be meeting up with. I was okay for having the next 42 weekends booked out in advance. I would still be me and have the parts inside my head, but no longer would I have to fear being alone or aching while staving off the loneliness. Give up control? Yes, please.
Truly giving up control has no off switch. Even when you are asked for an opinion, suggestion, or preference, that notion that you are expressing yourself in a meaningful way is because the dominant chooses it.
When I talk to "kink-curious" individuals, newer subs, and the like, the control aspect is frequently their biggest hangup. How do you trust someone enough to give up control? Some of it is faith, the rest is doing your best to read the dominant and hope their character and nature are conducive to the responsibility of control before making this choice. I think what they are really getting at is why someone would want to truly give up control.
If the answers were only about kink, then bedroom roleplay would probably be enough for people to get their fix. Yet people press on. I believe the reasons behind this are extremely personal. It's often easier to cite ideals and principles that guard our emotions from being exposed, e.g. female superiority, but I think deep down, that people who reach this point do so gradually, over a long period of time.
I can speak from my own experiences as to why I relinquish control. I always had too much control. I was one of those kids that got left home alone fairly young because my parent's trusted that I wouldn't burn the house down or go running to that windowless van with the "Free Puppies" sign on it. After my parents divorce this got taken to the extreme quite a bit. At 16 I started being left alone for weeks on end. If I wanted to eat, I had to cook or have enough money to order take-out, delivery, or go out to eat. If I missed school there was no parent/guardian around to call in and excuse the absence. If I was sick I had to go in, get checked in, go to the nurse's office and have her excuse me from school in order to avoid detention/suspension/loss of grades. While I had a lot more freedoms than most of my peers, I also had a lot of responsibilities. Laundry. Every meal. Work. Car maintenance. House maintenance.
Basically, I had a lot of freedom but also had to bear the responsibility of my choices. I ended up very independent, but also quite lonely at times. I can remember the ache of being up at 3am watching Cinemax so that I could exhaust my brain in order to sleep. From age 16 to 24 I was alone a lot. I had the freedom to make whatever choices I wanted to because I didn't have to consider others in my life a lot of the time. If I wanted to sit around and play video games all day I could do that. If I wanted to go to a concert that wouldn't let out until 2:30am when I had to wake up for school the next day at 6am I could do that. Eventually, it got tiresome. That freedom didn't bring me happiness. The freedom just reminded me how lonely I was. It reminded me of how badly I wanted to have someone special in my life. It let me know that having to consider someone else with my choices was far better than answering only to myself.
As my high school friendships had all but vanished by the time I was in my early 20's, I found myself feeling quite isolated, invisible in the masses of a huge university, and dreading the "rest of my life." If the rest of my life was going to be as empty and unfulfilling as things were... was something I didn't want. In my evaluation of self I began to sift through which of my personal characteristics were important to me... and which ones were not. In the end I found that all I really cared about were the things that no one could take from me: my mind, my thoughts, my tastes, my experiences, and so on.
The list of things that were unimportant was rather extensive. They mattered so little to me. I didn't care about my hairstyle, the style clothes that I wore, the places that I went, the part of town I lived in, and so on. My habits were a way to kill time. Make the days pass in as pleasant a way as possible. If I had something better to do, I would have dropped them in a heart beat.
I wanted nothing more than to love and to be loved. I wanted someone to be there when I lay down in bed. I wanted someone to be there when I woke up. I wanted someone who I had to think about when making decisions and anticipating her reactions to the choices I would make before I made them. I wanted someone there who would approve when I exercised sound judgment and answer me honestly when I did not. I wanted someone to grow old with.
In a relationship, I expected to conform. My adopted father conformed to my adopted mother. When they divorced and both remarried, I watched my stepfather conform to my mother and my father conform to my stepmother. Nearly all of my male friends conformed to their girlfriends. In the world I was in, the woman always took the lead. It was about the male giving her what she wanted and hopefully having enough time left to have some of his own time too. Even in the absence of kink, this is how I viewed relationships.
By the time I found love and D/s, giving up control was no problem. I had lived by my own rules and it never made me happy. I wanted to have to check in if I was going to be late. I wanted to be told where we were going for dinner and who we would be meeting up with. I was okay for having the next 42 weekends booked out in advance. I would still be me and have the parts inside my head, but no longer would I have to fear being alone or aching while staving off the loneliness. Give up control? Yes, please.
Link: A Domme's take on Sexism and Forced Feminization
I wanted to post a link to this because I found it to be a good read:
https://dominajen.com/2017/09/29/sexism-and-forced-feminization/
https://dominajen.com/2017/09/29/sexism-and-forced-feminization/
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Evolving the submissive self
Being a submissive in the D/s lifestyle is one of the few times where a person constantly evolves under the guidance of a true merit-based system. Certain behaviors are encouraged while others are discouraged. Over time we find ourselves shaped into the image that the Domme desires. At each plateau, repetition helps polish our skills and improve the quality of our service. In turn, this makes us a "better" submissive. The better that we conform, the more likely we are to instill confidence in the Domme, often granting her the courage to push us to the next step and continuing the evolutionary process for both parties.
That being said, I believe it is very possible for a sub to evolve on their own by imagining dominance. Try to imagine what a Domme thinks, feels, desires, and needs. How do things touch her in a positive way when it comes to her heart, her mind, her beliefs, her sexuality, and practical functionality?
If you are like me, the process may not be clear on all of these fronts, but it is still possible to attempt to extrapolate the cause and effect chains. If you have a dominant partner, hopefully you've been paying enough attention to her to pick these things up. If you don't have a dominant partner, try to picture the personality type of the dominant that you would like to serve. This differs greatly from fantasy. In fantasy, you are envisioning what speaks to you. In these cases, you want to imagine what speaks to her. It may be a bit of a reality check to think about all of the things you like that provide a Domme with no benefit.
Forgive the generalization here, but from my experiences women tend to respond to symbolism and meaning from actions more than men do, so when imagining an event it is also important to picture how she will interpret it in a greater sense of things. This is very important in making sure that you picture things that think solely about her and not use this as a means to try to covertly manipulate response that will lead to favorable treatment for yourself.
Thoughtfulness, effort, and displays of affection will likely be well-received. Things that speak to obedience, control, and ownership are also a plus. It may also work to elevate her status, pamper her, unleash the pleasure in life through pampering, and make her feel like a cherished Goddess. Expect nothing beyond the "in the moment" response. Expect no reciprocation. Require no thanks. Have no impure motive. The answers to why should remain simple. "Because I wanted to." "Because I thought you would like it." "Because I wanted to see you smile." "Because I love you." "Because you are my Queen."
Working this through will improve your active submission. You will become better at anticipating needs. You will find new ways to please that she may not have even imagined.
As much as we can ever evolve by responding to her dominance, there are hundreds of ways we can better ourselves as submissives by being proactive and finding new ways to please her.
That being said, I believe it is very possible for a sub to evolve on their own by imagining dominance. Try to imagine what a Domme thinks, feels, desires, and needs. How do things touch her in a positive way when it comes to her heart, her mind, her beliefs, her sexuality, and practical functionality?
If you are like me, the process may not be clear on all of these fronts, but it is still possible to attempt to extrapolate the cause and effect chains. If you have a dominant partner, hopefully you've been paying enough attention to her to pick these things up. If you don't have a dominant partner, try to picture the personality type of the dominant that you would like to serve. This differs greatly from fantasy. In fantasy, you are envisioning what speaks to you. In these cases, you want to imagine what speaks to her. It may be a bit of a reality check to think about all of the things you like that provide a Domme with no benefit.
Forgive the generalization here, but from my experiences women tend to respond to symbolism and meaning from actions more than men do, so when imagining an event it is also important to picture how she will interpret it in a greater sense of things. This is very important in making sure that you picture things that think solely about her and not use this as a means to try to covertly manipulate response that will lead to favorable treatment for yourself.
Thoughtfulness, effort, and displays of affection will likely be well-received. Things that speak to obedience, control, and ownership are also a plus. It may also work to elevate her status, pamper her, unleash the pleasure in life through pampering, and make her feel like a cherished Goddess. Expect nothing beyond the "in the moment" response. Expect no reciprocation. Require no thanks. Have no impure motive. The answers to why should remain simple. "Because I wanted to." "Because I thought you would like it." "Because I wanted to see you smile." "Because I love you." "Because you are my Queen."
Working this through will improve your active submission. You will become better at anticipating needs. You will find new ways to please that she may not have even imagined.
As much as we can ever evolve by responding to her dominance, there are hundreds of ways we can better ourselves as submissives by being proactive and finding new ways to please her.
Monday, September 25, 2017
Random Thoughts on flavors of D/s
One of the biggest
fundamental differences in the way that people view a BDSM-oriented
kink lifestyle is related to how encompassing the dynamics fall into
every day life. Basically, does power exchange occur only during
defined periods or is it on all the time?
For some, D/s is
roleplay engaged in between consenting individuals for set periods of
time with the goal of mutual pleasure.
For some, D/s is a
way of life that governs nearly every aspect of daily life.
There are also some
hybrid forms where most of the "action" occurs at defined
times but there may be some daily responsibilities required of one
party or the other.
I tend to avoid
passing judgement over the flavors that people prefer. The world is
far too miserable of a place to look down upon anything that makes a
couple happy. If someone just wants steamy hot sex, I see nothing
wrong with that. If someone wants a personal servant doting upon
their every whim, I see nothing wrong with that.
I will go ahead and
create my own terms here: full time for those who practice
D/s as an "always on" lifestyle, and part time for
those with dynamics that are not always on.
I will note that I
believe the vast majority of those who partake in D/s would classify
themselves as part time. I believe full time is the minority even
though they may be represented disproportionately high in the
blogosphere.
A lot of the full
time vs. part time reasoning depends heavily upon the preferences of
the dominant. They bear the brunt of the responsibility for keeping
the dynamics going, so it makes sense that the extent of the dynamics
should fall in line with how much they are wanting to monitor things.
As far as submissive desires go, I think there is often a wide rift
between what they fantasize about and what they can actually handle.
With that in mind, it is easy for subs to desire full time but then
struggle when facing it as a reality. A good number of them can
retain a rational balance by knowing to “be careful what you wish
for.”
Having lived out
both styles, I have to say that I crave full time beyond anything.
The reality of it is terrifying. As much as you can build up trust
it is still a leap of faith to present yourself with total
vulnerability. I believe this is what separates roleplay from
lifestyle. In roleplay you may act powerless or at the mercy of
another. It is controlled. There is a start, a stop, and you will
be “back to normal” upon its completion. This in itself is a
fine choice. It is a safe choice. It is a reasonable and
responsible choice.
It is scary as hell
to adapt to a new way of living, a new way of thinking, and a new set
of ever-evolving expectations while having little power to control
what will happen. There are limits, of course, but anything that
falls short of those limits is fair game. I think this type of
vulnerability scares a lot of people even in vanilla relationships.
To allow the one we love to see us without guards, without walls, and
without masks is terrifying. They see our good and our bad, our
strengths and our weaknesses. However, I have to say that when they
see you all the way to your core and still choose to embrace you, you
really have found that truly special bond that can’t be built in
any other way.
Random thoughts on arousal
Something I have struggled with greatly over the years has been coming to terms with what arouses me. By struggled, I mean, I have never come to terms with it. In my youth it was the cycle of masturbation followed by shame followed by denial that would just loop over and over again. As much as I had hoped that my fantasies would become more normal over time, the opposite happened and the extremity of my perversions only grew stronger.
This continued for years. Unable to cope with fantasies I knew were deviant and abnormal, I would go into a frenzy, feed the beast, and at some point of wallowing in shame I would try to purge it from me. As this began at a young age, the prospect of serious dating was a bit terrifying. As much as I wanted someone to love and be in love, I dreaded what would happen if I was unable to perform sexually to more standard sexual situations.
I know that many individuals wired for kink are able to maintain their sexual vigor with vanilla sex. I envy those people. I'm guessing that those of you who find yourselves in a boat similar to mine have probably struggled with similar feelings.
I don't expect this to ever really change for me. It doesn't really matter to me either. I never plan to vanilla date ever again and being kink-shamed by a Domme actually feeds my submissive mental space.
I will fully admit that I have a brazen double-standard when it comes to being comfortable with kink. When I have chatted with dominants about this topic, I have no problem with and genuinely feel that their arousal to non-standard acts is what makes them special. It's sexy, attractive, and unique. Their kinks are normal, desirable, and the way things should be. They should make her proud to have them.
On the other hand, my arousal is weird. My kinks make me feel like an abnormal and perverse sexual deviant, as well they should. I should be haunted and tormented with constant reminders of how different I am and should feel lucky every day that a woman exists that tolerates me when the rest of the world would not. While some have tried to comfort me about this over the years it never really convinces me otherwise as my psyche seems to be absolutely convinced of it. The closest to comfort that my brain seems to accept without resistance is the notion that my arousal doesn't matter since my penis belongs locked in chastity and doesn't deserve to have orgasms anyways.
This might not be a bastion of my own mental health but it seems to work okay in my brain.
This continued for years. Unable to cope with fantasies I knew were deviant and abnormal, I would go into a frenzy, feed the beast, and at some point of wallowing in shame I would try to purge it from me. As this began at a young age, the prospect of serious dating was a bit terrifying. As much as I wanted someone to love and be in love, I dreaded what would happen if I was unable to perform sexually to more standard sexual situations.
I know that many individuals wired for kink are able to maintain their sexual vigor with vanilla sex. I envy those people. I'm guessing that those of you who find yourselves in a boat similar to mine have probably struggled with similar feelings.
I don't expect this to ever really change for me. It doesn't really matter to me either. I never plan to vanilla date ever again and being kink-shamed by a Domme actually feeds my submissive mental space.
I will fully admit that I have a brazen double-standard when it comes to being comfortable with kink. When I have chatted with dominants about this topic, I have no problem with and genuinely feel that their arousal to non-standard acts is what makes them special. It's sexy, attractive, and unique. Their kinks are normal, desirable, and the way things should be. They should make her proud to have them.
On the other hand, my arousal is weird. My kinks make me feel like an abnormal and perverse sexual deviant, as well they should. I should be haunted and tormented with constant reminders of how different I am and should feel lucky every day that a woman exists that tolerates me when the rest of the world would not. While some have tried to comfort me about this over the years it never really convinces me otherwise as my psyche seems to be absolutely convinced of it. The closest to comfort that my brain seems to accept without resistance is the notion that my arousal doesn't matter since my penis belongs locked in chastity and doesn't deserve to have orgasms anyways.
This might not be a bastion of my own mental health but it seems to work okay in my brain.
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Compromises
Note: This is written from the standpoint of those interested in a 24-7 lifestyle Femdom or FLR type relationship and will not pertain as much to those seeking a more casual BDSM-oriented relationship.
In the majority of the advice I write geared at single subs attempting to court a Domme, I generally preach to be expecting of and willing to make severe compromises in order to fit into what a Domme will require of her sub. While there are certain times when things are obviously a bad fit, e.g. if her favorite activity is the sub's number one hard limit or vice versa. For the most part, accepting this idea is what (hopefully) breaks the sub from their own personal masturbation fantasy into a more realistic sense of the lifestyle. The relative scarcity of Dommes keeps this from being much of a negotiation.
Sex and play will be on her terms. While the sub's preferences may be taken into consideration, it is probably wise to accept that she will not cater directly to them. Even if she loves the sub likes them a lot, the dynamics will flow better if she gets what she wants and the sub might receive their preference if it coincides with her desires or if she occasionally decides to throw the sub a bone with a special type of play every now and then. For the most part, this probably works best if it never appears like it's the sub's idea or that they are getting exactly what they want because they like it. If a sub gets it once and feels even slightly empowered by it, there is a high probability that they will press for or expect it again... and again... and again.
I have been approached by newer Dommes for advice on occasion and in the past I have recommended that the Domme offer few or no compromises on her part but expect tremendous compromises from the sub. This will help to weed out the fakes and set the tone for the relationship from the start.
There is an area where neither party should compromise: fundamental philosophical ideology. There are certain gaps that can't be bridged and it generally happens when the fundamental understanding of what a D/s relationship "should" be like differs between both parties. It is possible that through extensive discussion that the gap can be narrowed a bit as both parties come to understand one another, but in some cases people will be so set in their beliefs that change will be impossible. The end result is that neither party will ever be happy or content with how things are and the friction that builds up over time may bring about an even more firmly entrenched hard-line stance on the differing views.
While this might seem like common sense, desperation does some crazy things. "This is my first good prospect in months" can lead to a lot of wishful thinking and glazing over of these critical differences. Knowing when and when not to compromise can save a lot of pain and wasted time.
Something I should note is that when subs are interacting with a potential Domme is that submissive ideologies can be faked and lied about. Personality, on the other hand, is much more difficult to falsely present and with repeated contact, the true personality will inevitably surface. From my experiences, most Dommes find subs more appealing if their personality seems genuine, they are funny, smart, and have interesting things to say and share. Even if everything meshes well on a D/s level, there's still, you know... the rest of life to think about. If the end goal is to be in a serious relationship where you live together, being interesting enough to be an appealing life partner is just as important as the other aspects. If one party likes long outdoor hikes and the other prefers to sit around playing Xbox for the duration of their leisure time, this too may be a gap that can't be bridged.
In the majority of the advice I write geared at single subs attempting to court a Domme, I generally preach to be expecting of and willing to make severe compromises in order to fit into what a Domme will require of her sub. While there are certain times when things are obviously a bad fit, e.g. if her favorite activity is the sub's number one hard limit or vice versa. For the most part, accepting this idea is what (hopefully) breaks the sub from their own personal masturbation fantasy into a more realistic sense of the lifestyle. The relative scarcity of Dommes keeps this from being much of a negotiation.
Sex and play will be on her terms. While the sub's preferences may be taken into consideration, it is probably wise to accept that she will not cater directly to them. Even if she loves the sub likes them a lot, the dynamics will flow better if she gets what she wants and the sub might receive their preference if it coincides with her desires or if she occasionally decides to throw the sub a bone with a special type of play every now and then. For the most part, this probably works best if it never appears like it's the sub's idea or that they are getting exactly what they want because they like it. If a sub gets it once and feels even slightly empowered by it, there is a high probability that they will press for or expect it again... and again... and again.
I have been approached by newer Dommes for advice on occasion and in the past I have recommended that the Domme offer few or no compromises on her part but expect tremendous compromises from the sub. This will help to weed out the fakes and set the tone for the relationship from the start.
There is an area where neither party should compromise: fundamental philosophical ideology. There are certain gaps that can't be bridged and it generally happens when the fundamental understanding of what a D/s relationship "should" be like differs between both parties. It is possible that through extensive discussion that the gap can be narrowed a bit as both parties come to understand one another, but in some cases people will be so set in their beliefs that change will be impossible. The end result is that neither party will ever be happy or content with how things are and the friction that builds up over time may bring about an even more firmly entrenched hard-line stance on the differing views.
While this might seem like common sense, desperation does some crazy things. "This is my first good prospect in months" can lead to a lot of wishful thinking and glazing over of these critical differences. Knowing when and when not to compromise can save a lot of pain and wasted time.
Something I should note is that when subs are interacting with a potential Domme is that submissive ideologies can be faked and lied about. Personality, on the other hand, is much more difficult to falsely present and with repeated contact, the true personality will inevitably surface. From my experiences, most Dommes find subs more appealing if their personality seems genuine, they are funny, smart, and have interesting things to say and share. Even if everything meshes well on a D/s level, there's still, you know... the rest of life to think about. If the end goal is to be in a serious relationship where you live together, being interesting enough to be an appealing life partner is just as important as the other aspects. If one party likes long outdoor hikes and the other prefers to sit around playing Xbox for the duration of their leisure time, this too may be a gap that can't be bridged.
Status and Stations
I recently read some comments on a different blog that I wanted to respond to but left that for the author. I do not feel safe speaking for others but with enough information I can sometimes do pretty well at guessing on their thought process. Having followed well over a hundred blogs for years and been a part of several local and internet-based groups you tend to see most of what can exist out there.
There is one aspect of lifestyle Femdom that people seem to struggle finding common ground upon. This happens quite a bit when a lifestyle dynamic is set up in such a way that differs from their own (or their ideal) in such a fundamental way that it almost seems like both parties are speaking different languages. Some of the more common situations where this happens is in regards to how the dominant views the submissive as a person, the relative statuses of the Domme and sub, and the sub's mindset they take into the relationship. "I don't see how someone would want _______."
Having taken a good number of history, humanities, and philosophy courses while in college, I have found that misunderstandings happen quite frequently when confronting ideas that conflict with someone's view of the world, existence as an individual, etc. While being aware of the differences doesn't necessarily solve everything, hopefully being aware of their existence may be helpful to someone.
Status as Equals
We live in an era where a large majority of people that are out in the world have been raised with the idea of gender and racial equality. While sexism and racism still run rampant, institutional discrimination is far less common and many people are more likely to keep their prejudiced sides private. e.g. Appear tolerant even if you aren't. If memory serves, it wasn't until the late 1990's or so that the belief in equality was accepted on a societal level.
Part of the process of tearing down centuries of sexism and oppression of women was the pounding home of the concept of equality. Equal. Equal rights. Equal pay. Equal opportunities. Women can be just as good as men. Equal. Since then, women as a whole have become stronger, more independent, and more successful. This brought about a shift in what women look for in potential spouses.
In the patriarchal days, it was common for a woman to work when single but when she got married, the husband would be the decision-maker and breadwinner and she would tend to the home and raise the children. This was the "American Dream" for decades. Strong, stable, independent men with a sense of duty and responsibility were the ideal.
Enter the now, where it is common for women to be as career-oriented as men were in the 50's and it is not uncommon for a woman to be more successful and motivated in her career than her husband/boyfriend/lover. The ideal of a male partner didn't change much. The big change was in relative statuses of men and women. Equal.
The modern woman is motivated, goal oriented, interested in personal growth, strong, independent, and competent. If she sees her ideal partner as her equal, he too must be all of those things to an equal or greater extent than she is.
While a Domme might not use the term equal, one type of Femdom relationship is based around a strong, independent, and motivated male partner. They seek to dominate this worthy male and often enjoy that someone of this character submits to her.
Complimentary Status
A far less commonly practiced idea is that of complimentary status. This seems odd to me because the patriarchal form of this existed for centuries. One person has the dreams and goals for how they want life to be like, the other supports them in those goals. These situations exist quite harmoniously as there is a balance of yin/yang. Why they aren't more common leads me back to the ideal of "equal," and that a male that will gladly defer and support a motivated woman from behind the scenes is just often over-looked.
There is that saying, "Behind every great man is a great woman." Will we ever reach a point where there is the saying, "Behind every great Domme is a great sub"?
Superior/Inferior Status
The concept of a person being inferior is a bit of a polarizing topic. Many people will see this idea as dreadful and the thought of being with someone they would deem inferior as being even more dreadful. I think the reason that this is foreign and such a taboo is because a whole lot of people have lived their entire lives with the existence of a middle class.
If you watch an average historical drama that involves characters living within the nobility/aristocracy, they live in grand estates with huge homes, tons of land, and a whole crap-load of things that would require constant upkeep and maintenance. While a family of four might own the estate, there might be fifty servants that attend to all of the tedious daily tasks. While the maid, butler, valet, cook, chauffeur, groundskeeper, stable-master, etc. are all people, they aren't "real people." The servants have accepted a lower station in life.
They are not equals. The masters of the estate hold immense power over their daily existence, well-being, and livelihood. The daily lives of the servants focus upon making the daily lives of their masters better. While they may have their own interests and personalities, they are not the ones that have the freedom nor means to pursue those interests like the masters do. Said historical dramas tend to focus more upon the masters than the servants.
I think it is difficult for many people to understand why someone would accept a lower station in life in a world where opportunity exists to grow beyond that. If someone makes peace with that decision it is seen as a reflection of weakness. If an equal is strong, motivated, and independent, then someone who is timid, obedient, and dependent is not an equal.
When someone holds inferior status, they seem like less of a person. Some may wish to feel their sub is their inferior. Others will greatly dislike this idea.
Historically speaking and also within the realm of D/s, there is a lower station in life than that of servant: slave. Most of the thriving ancient civilizations had cultures that were heavily based upon slavery. While accurate historical data is impossible to determine, it is often estimated that in cultures like ancient Greece, that slaves likely outnumbered citizens in many cases.
I believe this lowest station in life is the most difficult for people to picture and it is heavily influenced by slavery in the United States that was heavily race-oriented. In much of history, slavery was not based upon race, it was a class of society that existed as the backbone of their economy and could happen due to losing a war, your village being raided, family debt, birth, and the like. In this state you are less than a person. Your station in life is to obey and the chances of ever rising above that are slim to none.
Overall, I believe that all of these situations exist in some form in D/s. As you move down the ladder, subs seem less and less like equals. If someone ever asks what makes a Domme see the sub as "less of a man," I hope this writing gives some answers to that question.
There is one aspect of lifestyle Femdom that people seem to struggle finding common ground upon. This happens quite a bit when a lifestyle dynamic is set up in such a way that differs from their own (or their ideal) in such a fundamental way that it almost seems like both parties are speaking different languages. Some of the more common situations where this happens is in regards to how the dominant views the submissive as a person, the relative statuses of the Domme and sub, and the sub's mindset they take into the relationship. "I don't see how someone would want _______."
Having taken a good number of history, humanities, and philosophy courses while in college, I have found that misunderstandings happen quite frequently when confronting ideas that conflict with someone's view of the world, existence as an individual, etc. While being aware of the differences doesn't necessarily solve everything, hopefully being aware of their existence may be helpful to someone.
Status as Equals
We live in an era where a large majority of people that are out in the world have been raised with the idea of gender and racial equality. While sexism and racism still run rampant, institutional discrimination is far less common and many people are more likely to keep their prejudiced sides private. e.g. Appear tolerant even if you aren't. If memory serves, it wasn't until the late 1990's or so that the belief in equality was accepted on a societal level.
Part of the process of tearing down centuries of sexism and oppression of women was the pounding home of the concept of equality. Equal. Equal rights. Equal pay. Equal opportunities. Women can be just as good as men. Equal. Since then, women as a whole have become stronger, more independent, and more successful. This brought about a shift in what women look for in potential spouses.
In the patriarchal days, it was common for a woman to work when single but when she got married, the husband would be the decision-maker and breadwinner and she would tend to the home and raise the children. This was the "American Dream" for decades. Strong, stable, independent men with a sense of duty and responsibility were the ideal.
Enter the now, where it is common for women to be as career-oriented as men were in the 50's and it is not uncommon for a woman to be more successful and motivated in her career than her husband/boyfriend/lover. The ideal of a male partner didn't change much. The big change was in relative statuses of men and women. Equal.
The modern woman is motivated, goal oriented, interested in personal growth, strong, independent, and competent. If she sees her ideal partner as her equal, he too must be all of those things to an equal or greater extent than she is.
While a Domme might not use the term equal, one type of Femdom relationship is based around a strong, independent, and motivated male partner. They seek to dominate this worthy male and often enjoy that someone of this character submits to her.
Complimentary Status
A far less commonly practiced idea is that of complimentary status. This seems odd to me because the patriarchal form of this existed for centuries. One person has the dreams and goals for how they want life to be like, the other supports them in those goals. These situations exist quite harmoniously as there is a balance of yin/yang. Why they aren't more common leads me back to the ideal of "equal," and that a male that will gladly defer and support a motivated woman from behind the scenes is just often over-looked.
There is that saying, "Behind every great man is a great woman." Will we ever reach a point where there is the saying, "Behind every great Domme is a great sub"?
Superior/Inferior Status
The concept of a person being inferior is a bit of a polarizing topic. Many people will see this idea as dreadful and the thought of being with someone they would deem inferior as being even more dreadful. I think the reason that this is foreign and such a taboo is because a whole lot of people have lived their entire lives with the existence of a middle class.
If you watch an average historical drama that involves characters living within the nobility/aristocracy, they live in grand estates with huge homes, tons of land, and a whole crap-load of things that would require constant upkeep and maintenance. While a family of four might own the estate, there might be fifty servants that attend to all of the tedious daily tasks. While the maid, butler, valet, cook, chauffeur, groundskeeper, stable-master, etc. are all people, they aren't "real people." The servants have accepted a lower station in life.
They are not equals. The masters of the estate hold immense power over their daily existence, well-being, and livelihood. The daily lives of the servants focus upon making the daily lives of their masters better. While they may have their own interests and personalities, they are not the ones that have the freedom nor means to pursue those interests like the masters do. Said historical dramas tend to focus more upon the masters than the servants.
I think it is difficult for many people to understand why someone would accept a lower station in life in a world where opportunity exists to grow beyond that. If someone makes peace with that decision it is seen as a reflection of weakness. If an equal is strong, motivated, and independent, then someone who is timid, obedient, and dependent is not an equal.
When someone holds inferior status, they seem like less of a person. Some may wish to feel their sub is their inferior. Others will greatly dislike this idea.
Historically speaking and also within the realm of D/s, there is a lower station in life than that of servant: slave. Most of the thriving ancient civilizations had cultures that were heavily based upon slavery. While accurate historical data is impossible to determine, it is often estimated that in cultures like ancient Greece, that slaves likely outnumbered citizens in many cases.
I believe this lowest station in life is the most difficult for people to picture and it is heavily influenced by slavery in the United States that was heavily race-oriented. In much of history, slavery was not based upon race, it was a class of society that existed as the backbone of their economy and could happen due to losing a war, your village being raided, family debt, birth, and the like. In this state you are less than a person. Your station in life is to obey and the chances of ever rising above that are slim to none.
Overall, I believe that all of these situations exist in some form in D/s. As you move down the ladder, subs seem less and less like equals. If someone ever asks what makes a Domme see the sub as "less of a man," I hope this writing gives some answers to that question.
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