I just wanted to give an update here.
I am working on Part 45. The past week and a half have been rather hectic. I made changes to my work schedule and have been waking up earlier and getting home later. Upon making it through my writer's block, I have also been going to bed earlier. It takes me roughly 30 minutes to "get into it" and I don't write as well when I don't have privacy.
Part 45 is about half done but I have not been able to find the time to finish it when my brain is still awake enough to think. Hopefully soon.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Friday, July 29, 2016
My Subspace
There exists a place where the demons fall silent. Their voices are replaced with a definitive sense of purpose, a sense of belonging, incredible motivation, and deep and passionate feelings of love, devotion, and adoration. This is the realm that makes sense. The chaos calms as I adhere solely to her will. I exist for her benefit. I exist for her pleasure. I exist for her happiness. These feelings sustain me. I do not question the methods, I endure the hardships, each hurdle making me feel more deserving... like I have earned more... like I can become more in her eyes. It feels like my soul is not my own and my core burns with a single purpose: to love her with everything that I am.
These are the thoughts and feelings that resonate in my heart and in my head. This is my subspace.
(If this post seems oddly out of place I am writing these words to describe something to someone and I figured it would work as a post instead of keeping it private).
Submissive before being a submissive?
Things are feeling normal inside again...
I realize I have more healing to do from the distant past.
When I was in college I met an incredibly smart, funny, talented, strong, and pretty woman that endeared me to her more the more we spent time together. I will call her C2. This was about a year and a half before K. As of this time I hadn't honestly pursued anyone in a very long time. I was pretty well convinced that I was not a right fit for anyone near my age group. I would get hit on by 40+ year old women or young effeminate gay men.
I did not dress particularly well, but I had developed a style that was uniquely my own. I had facial piercings that tended to intimidate a bit after I moved from the coast back to the Midwest. I went out of my way to be non-threatening in order to balance things out a bit.
As of this time I did not actively pursue romantic relationships. I would be friendly and ended up friends with quite a few women. I buried any sexual desires in favor of seeking friendship and companionship. I did not wish to appear creepy so I made sure that my compliments were non-sexual in nature. E.g. "Your personality is so vibrant, you light up the room with your energy and make everyone around you feel good."
Those were my true feelings. I went to great lengths to de-sexualize myself. In that age group compliments of that nature made that happen naturally. "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?" was more effective as a pickup line.
C2 wasn't a textbook beauty. She was a tomboy with wide hips and small breasts. She had bad teeth. She had man hands. She had an amazing sense of humor that appreciated my quick-hitting dry wit and enjoyment of randomness. She enjoyed the music and films I shared with her. She enjoyed my poetry. She was awesome. She was unique. She was beautiful.
Over the course of our friendship she became someone that I grew to trust and opened up my deeper self to. During a period while she was between bad relationships I received a very large compliment from her: "Being with you would be guaranteed happiness."
When I heard those words my heart that lay dormant for years sprang to life.
"What about being with me?"
She paused and thought.
"Let me think about it."
I spent a week or so, agonizing. Time was not on my side. After about a week we met for dinner and she barely ate or spoke. She wouldn't look me in the eye. After a while I pried. The answer was no. I asked if it was because I was too fat (I was carrying a little bit extra at the time) and she said no. I asked if it was because I was too short (she was an inch taller than me) and she said no. I asked her if she would tell me why.
"It's your face."
Something I had no control over and couldn't change. I didn't cry. Later that night I buried my heart. I had more work to do.
This was an echo of how I had felt for the majority of my life. No one would love me... I was too undesirable from a physical standpoint. This idea had been firmly implanted in me by age 17. This was what led me to down the path of submission.
When K told me that she believed I was a natural submissive... that self... had been cultivated over many painful years of fear and failure. For years I had been the sounding board, the shoulder to cry on, the "safe" guy. I heard everything that a man could do to hurt a woman. I heard about all of the insecurities women faced. I learned the core of their self-esteem and what happens in its absence. I understood their fears and their needs. It's hard for me to look back on this and feel good about myself, but I know I was a mess inside and later used this information to try to overcome my inadequacies.
The first thing I learned was to be attentive. Make them my focal point. Listen to them and process it, what it meant emotionally, what it said about their confidence. Do not judge. Make them feel good. So many times men take things for granted, e.g. "she must know she is pretty so I don't have to say it." Everyone likes to hear things that are good about them, especially if it is something she is making an effort towards. Let her know that you notice, that her efforts are making an impact. Make her feel special, like she is the only one in the world that matters. Chivalry, manners, and being considerate go a long way. Protect her, act as her shield from harm when she needs you. Guard and cherish her without smothering: it is about her feelings and not your own insecurity. You don't always have to agree with her but that doesn't mean her feelings aren't valid.
This was the type of man I sought to become... to actualize this as my self. Little did I know that this would separate me from the rest of the world. In this process I became submissive.
A funny thing happened along the way. I realized that what I knew women needed, they did not actually want. I had become even more unattractive. I had no more insecure male ego to flaunt, no false bravado and loud bark showing my teeth to the world around me. I was not a "take charge" guy because I cared too much about the tenderness and fragile nature of the heart. It was not enough.
By prying into my life with questions about why I had no girlfriend, my family got wind about the person that I had become from 17-22 and I was frequently requested to talk about love with divorcees and widows from age 40-70. I have to say this was a bit awkward. Being put alone in our living room with a 45 year old woman when I was 22 and asked to talk about relationships. These talks restored a bit of confidence in me... in that the obvious swoons and scents showed me that I did have a demographic that found me attractive, it was just not my demographic. At that time I was still clinging to hope that I would find someone within 10 years of my age.
To this day I cannot tell if K chose me because she saw me as a potential submissive or if it was confronting her own mortality that had shifted her relationship priorities while still in her 20's. Or maybe it was both?
What I do know about my philosophies then and now... they are still very much the same. Even as I ignored the sexual impact that M had on my life, I was submissive long before I was a submissive.
I realize I have more healing to do from the distant past.
When I was in college I met an incredibly smart, funny, talented, strong, and pretty woman that endeared me to her more the more we spent time together. I will call her C2. This was about a year and a half before K. As of this time I hadn't honestly pursued anyone in a very long time. I was pretty well convinced that I was not a right fit for anyone near my age group. I would get hit on by 40+ year old women or young effeminate gay men.
I did not dress particularly well, but I had developed a style that was uniquely my own. I had facial piercings that tended to intimidate a bit after I moved from the coast back to the Midwest. I went out of my way to be non-threatening in order to balance things out a bit.
As of this time I did not actively pursue romantic relationships. I would be friendly and ended up friends with quite a few women. I buried any sexual desires in favor of seeking friendship and companionship. I did not wish to appear creepy so I made sure that my compliments were non-sexual in nature. E.g. "Your personality is so vibrant, you light up the room with your energy and make everyone around you feel good."
Those were my true feelings. I went to great lengths to de-sexualize myself. In that age group compliments of that nature made that happen naturally. "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?" was more effective as a pickup line.
C2 wasn't a textbook beauty. She was a tomboy with wide hips and small breasts. She had bad teeth. She had man hands. She had an amazing sense of humor that appreciated my quick-hitting dry wit and enjoyment of randomness. She enjoyed the music and films I shared with her. She enjoyed my poetry. She was awesome. She was unique. She was beautiful.
Over the course of our friendship she became someone that I grew to trust and opened up my deeper self to. During a period while she was between bad relationships I received a very large compliment from her: "Being with you would be guaranteed happiness."
When I heard those words my heart that lay dormant for years sprang to life.
"What about being with me?"
She paused and thought.
"Let me think about it."
I spent a week or so, agonizing. Time was not on my side. After about a week we met for dinner and she barely ate or spoke. She wouldn't look me in the eye. After a while I pried. The answer was no. I asked if it was because I was too fat (I was carrying a little bit extra at the time) and she said no. I asked if it was because I was too short (she was an inch taller than me) and she said no. I asked her if she would tell me why.
"It's your face."
Something I had no control over and couldn't change. I didn't cry. Later that night I buried my heart. I had more work to do.
This was an echo of how I had felt for the majority of my life. No one would love me... I was too undesirable from a physical standpoint. This idea had been firmly implanted in me by age 17. This was what led me to down the path of submission.
When K told me that she believed I was a natural submissive... that self... had been cultivated over many painful years of fear and failure. For years I had been the sounding board, the shoulder to cry on, the "safe" guy. I heard everything that a man could do to hurt a woman. I heard about all of the insecurities women faced. I learned the core of their self-esteem and what happens in its absence. I understood their fears and their needs. It's hard for me to look back on this and feel good about myself, but I know I was a mess inside and later used this information to try to overcome my inadequacies.
The first thing I learned was to be attentive. Make them my focal point. Listen to them and process it, what it meant emotionally, what it said about their confidence. Do not judge. Make them feel good. So many times men take things for granted, e.g. "she must know she is pretty so I don't have to say it." Everyone likes to hear things that are good about them, especially if it is something she is making an effort towards. Let her know that you notice, that her efforts are making an impact. Make her feel special, like she is the only one in the world that matters. Chivalry, manners, and being considerate go a long way. Protect her, act as her shield from harm when she needs you. Guard and cherish her without smothering: it is about her feelings and not your own insecurity. You don't always have to agree with her but that doesn't mean her feelings aren't valid.
This was the type of man I sought to become... to actualize this as my self. Little did I know that this would separate me from the rest of the world. In this process I became submissive.
A funny thing happened along the way. I realized that what I knew women needed, they did not actually want. I had become even more unattractive. I had no more insecure male ego to flaunt, no false bravado and loud bark showing my teeth to the world around me. I was not a "take charge" guy because I cared too much about the tenderness and fragile nature of the heart. It was not enough.
By prying into my life with questions about why I had no girlfriend, my family got wind about the person that I had become from 17-22 and I was frequently requested to talk about love with divorcees and widows from age 40-70. I have to say this was a bit awkward. Being put alone in our living room with a 45 year old woman when I was 22 and asked to talk about relationships. These talks restored a bit of confidence in me... in that the obvious swoons and scents showed me that I did have a demographic that found me attractive, it was just not my demographic. At that time I was still clinging to hope that I would find someone within 10 years of my age.
To this day I cannot tell if K chose me because she saw me as a potential submissive or if it was confronting her own mortality that had shifted her relationship priorities while still in her 20's. Or maybe it was both?
What I do know about my philosophies then and now... they are still very much the same. Even as I ignored the sexual impact that M had on my life, I was submissive long before I was a submissive.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Improving Mood
I was debating whether or not I should post this but after the post from a couple nights ago I should probably give a follow up.
I had my first drink in 14 years last night. I did not get drunk, but I nursed a mix of 1 oz of whiskey with 12 oz of soda over about 3 hours. It wasn't on a whim. This was something I had been deliberating about for the past 8 months or so. While it might not have been a recommended action, I spoke about it with T for a good bit beforehand.
The past few weeks have been rough. I had been getting about 3 hours of sleep a night with feelings of anxiety, loneliness and isolation plaguing me well into the night. We discussed several options and decided it would be okay for me to try this instead of sleeping pills (those only work about half the time and give me a hangover).
Within 10 minutes of the first sips the "edge" was gone. The anxiety and negative space faded away. I found myself tired soon after, realizing just how emotionally and physically exhausted I was. While I wasn't able to fall asleep immediately, I finally drifted off around 12:45 instead of 4:00-4:30 that had become the norm.
I slept hard. I had dreams for the first time in weeks. I woke up feeling refreshed physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had the morning off and the first thing I wanted to do this morning was write. My heart was open. I quickly churned out 800 words and felt completely connected to the story and its feelings as I did while writing the earlier chapters.
Only time will tell if this is a bad decision or not. I do have a system in place that should keep things under control, e.g. there is no chance I will end up an alcoholic. I do not plan to have a drink tonight. The feeling in my chest that lets me know I am in a bad spot isn't there today. I'm not feeling high-strung either. I am excited to write again and I have ideas for chapter 46 as well.
I apologize if any of this seems sad or pathetic but I don't really care as I'm feeling pretty good. I will also note that it wasn't just the booze that did this. The comments I receive on my blog and the feelings of the people out there supporting me played a large part in this as well. It's one thing to silence the negative feelings... it's another one to have positive feelings. The positives come from those who have reached out to me. Thank you.
On a side note, I had my first negative experience on Wordpress today when I read an excellent post from a kink blogger on depression. I praised them and left some personal and heart-felt comments on it only to have them delete my comments within 5 minutes of posting them. A few days ago that would have likely left me feeling pretty screwed up inside. While it stung a bit, within a couple of minutes I just shrugged it off with a "fuck 'em" and stopped following. I feel good enough right now to believe it is their loss more than mine.
Thank you everyone for putting up with my moody bullshit :D
I had my first drink in 14 years last night. I did not get drunk, but I nursed a mix of 1 oz of whiskey with 12 oz of soda over about 3 hours. It wasn't on a whim. This was something I had been deliberating about for the past 8 months or so. While it might not have been a recommended action, I spoke about it with T for a good bit beforehand.
The past few weeks have been rough. I had been getting about 3 hours of sleep a night with feelings of anxiety, loneliness and isolation plaguing me well into the night. We discussed several options and decided it would be okay for me to try this instead of sleeping pills (those only work about half the time and give me a hangover).
Within 10 minutes of the first sips the "edge" was gone. The anxiety and negative space faded away. I found myself tired soon after, realizing just how emotionally and physically exhausted I was. While I wasn't able to fall asleep immediately, I finally drifted off around 12:45 instead of 4:00-4:30 that had become the norm.
I slept hard. I had dreams for the first time in weeks. I woke up feeling refreshed physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had the morning off and the first thing I wanted to do this morning was write. My heart was open. I quickly churned out 800 words and felt completely connected to the story and its feelings as I did while writing the earlier chapters.
Only time will tell if this is a bad decision or not. I do have a system in place that should keep things under control, e.g. there is no chance I will end up an alcoholic. I do not plan to have a drink tonight. The feeling in my chest that lets me know I am in a bad spot isn't there today. I'm not feeling high-strung either. I am excited to write again and I have ideas for chapter 46 as well.
I apologize if any of this seems sad or pathetic but I don't really care as I'm feeling pretty good. I will also note that it wasn't just the booze that did this. The comments I receive on my blog and the feelings of the people out there supporting me played a large part in this as well. It's one thing to silence the negative feelings... it's another one to have positive feelings. The positives come from those who have reached out to me. Thank you.
On a side note, I had my first negative experience on Wordpress today when I read an excellent post from a kink blogger on depression. I praised them and left some personal and heart-felt comments on it only to have them delete my comments within 5 minutes of posting them. A few days ago that would have likely left me feeling pretty screwed up inside. While it stung a bit, within a couple of minutes I just shrugged it off with a "fuck 'em" and stopped following. I feel good enough right now to believe it is their loss more than mine.
Thank you everyone for putting up with my moody bullshit :D
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Fun with Initialisms
Well, after last night's little emo shit show of a post I should probably follow it up with something a little more light-hearted.
Has anyone ever noticed that kink in general is like acronym/initialism central?
I don't really mind labels in a very general and functional way. Acronyms/initialisms, when used well, can say a lot more with a lot less space. It's an easy means of grouping or trying to seek others who might be similar. The problems arises when people try to say too much with too little. When people start using 3-4 letters to try and imply a whole lot about what "should" be associated with it... that's usually when things go down hill.
The solution? Make initialisms/acronyms bigger.
Since FLR now has so many associations and assumptions lumped into it, I personally find the need for a bigger acronym/initialism that differentiates it from that yet still adequately describes what I view as the relationship that I want. Having spent a lot of time recently around Fetlife I was reminded at just how much of the BDSM community are not monogamous. So I will start with M, since I am. It is also key that I do not seek a purely service-oriented relationship or a play-based relationship, I do seek love, so I will go with L. I would like to practice this as a lifestyle and not just in the bedroom, so another L works its way in. D/s is the dynamic, so I suppose I can just use Ds. Since this is Femdom, FD. I also prefer a long-term relationship which may or may not imply marriage. Since long-term relationship includes marriages, it is probably the better letter choices are LTR, although I'm sure someone may use M to differentiate themselves from non-M LTR.
So yes, I would like to associate myself with MLLDsFDLTR's everywhere.
A better solution is probably for people to not use labels to overly define themselves and force anyone into the conformity of a box, but hey, what's done is done.
#MLLDsFDLTR4Life
Afterthought: I was planning on doing an acronym instead of an initialism but I can't say I was very happy with the results:
Has anyone ever noticed that kink in general is like acronym/initialism central?
I don't really mind labels in a very general and functional way. Acronyms/initialisms, when used well, can say a lot more with a lot less space. It's an easy means of grouping or trying to seek others who might be similar. The problems arises when people try to say too much with too little. When people start using 3-4 letters to try and imply a whole lot about what "should" be associated with it... that's usually when things go down hill.
The solution? Make initialisms/acronyms bigger.
Since FLR now has so many associations and assumptions lumped into it, I personally find the need for a bigger acronym/initialism that differentiates it from that yet still adequately describes what I view as the relationship that I want. Having spent a lot of time recently around Fetlife I was reminded at just how much of the BDSM community are not monogamous. So I will start with M, since I am. It is also key that I do not seek a purely service-oriented relationship or a play-based relationship, I do seek love, so I will go with L. I would like to practice this as a lifestyle and not just in the bedroom, so another L works its way in. D/s is the dynamic, so I suppose I can just use Ds. Since this is Femdom, FD. I also prefer a long-term relationship which may or may not imply marriage. Since long-term relationship includes marriages, it is probably the better letter choices are LTR, although I'm sure someone may use M to differentiate themselves from non-M LTR.
So yes, I would like to associate myself with MLLDsFDLTR's everywhere.
A better solution is probably for people to not use labels to overly define themselves and force anyone into the conformity of a box, but hey, what's done is done.
#MLLDsFDLTR4Life
Afterthought: I was planning on doing an acronym instead of an initialism but I can't say I was very happy with the results:
Disappointment, Frustration, and Music
Disclaimer: This is pretty much a sad bastard post... a bunch of personal feelings and old experiences that have nothing to do with D/s.
I would really love to be working on Part 45 of fs01 right now. My sleep is all screwed up. My head is not in a good place for it. That last argument with T really screwed me up. I feel like the shell over my heart that I broke down with such force in May is back. I tried in 100 different ways to avoid this outcome... and yet I managed to fail in 99 of them. I can feel depression working its way back into my heart. I am angry and sad about it. While I was able to find subspace today I still cannot get there when I want to... I feel like I'm blocked from the feelings I want to have and I don't know what to do.
As I sit through this barrage of a million thoughts it reminds me of many things. It's like I have this mountain welling up in my heart and I don't know how to get it out there and save myself from what may be inevitable. I will use this time to just write... and let things flow out as they come to me.
I feel like a lot of my life has been spent rebuilding. Having my world... my identity... shattered by factors beyond my control and then spending years having to redefine myself... find new things to replace the old... that has been the standard. The first time I can remember this happening was in my youth.
I was a very good athlete and played multiple sports at a high level. I was fast and strong. Very strong. During the final two minutes of a lost-cause football game where half of our team had already given up I was badly injured. My ankle was destroyed. At the time they didn't have medical procedures that could do anything to help it and the doctors used an out of date method for diagnosing and treating the injury. The end result was that it never healed properly. Hundreds of hours of rehab and I was at best, able to get to roughly 60% of what I was. I ended up with a limp that gradually led to other problems. The bigger issue at hand was that I went from being one of the best... to average. For the majority of my life sports were the only way I could win the approval of my adopted father. I don't know if approval is the right word... sports were my way of not being ignored. I played them for years even though I had stopped enjoying them. They were what I did. The lone time I tried to quit baseball I ended up being beaten until I nearly broke my collar bone and got put through a wall. I had grown accustomed to playing through severe injuries. A torn rotator cuff and UCL didn't mean I sat out... it meant I learned how to play left-handed for two years until my right arm was again strong enough to not be useless.
Sports were what I did. They were who I was. I had no identity without them. I was already fucked up in the head from abuse and the events I talked about in The Pains of Youth post. This destroyed me. I no longer had anything interesting to offer my father. Our interactions after this reached a stalemate as I had finally grown strong enough to hold my own in a fist fight with an adult. After a major brawl he no longer attacked me at will and he reverted to mind games to take care of that job.
Over the course of the few years leading up to that I had become a bitter husk of a person. Full of confusion and overflowing rage I dealt with the world with hostility and sarcasm. I had no true friends... I had earned that and deserved the outcome. Two things would impact my life more than anything else over the next couple of years: drugs and music. While my battle with drugs waged on and off for a few years, music was the new constant. It filled the void left behind by my loss of sport. I learned to play guitar. I started a band. I went to as many concerts as I could (250 concerts in 3 years of high school). I had always been interested in music but now I attacked it with all of the energy of my being. I dug and I dug... always staying on the cutting edge of the independent music scene (1992-1997).
I used drugs to keep myself numb. I used music to have feelings on my own terms... when I wanted them. The only feelings I could relate to were sadness, longing, loneliness, and the other parts of darkness within the heart. A newer genre started to emerge in the independent scene. It's emphasis was on emotional lyrical content. It was the soundtrack of my heart. I embraced these songs like they were my own feelings.
As of this time I was still terrified to show anyone what was in my heart. I knew there was a set of feelings I craved... ones that weren't sad... ones that I didn't know... I wanted to love. At 17 I was searching for the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The search did not go well. My feelings were either rejected or I jumped into relationships just to experience them when opportunity provided... these usually lasted about two weeks. I finally fell in love when I was 18 several months after I had sobered up. I shared everything in my heart with her. She was my angel. We got engaged at 19 but went to colleges across the country from each other. She started keeping secrets. I didn't realize I had lost her until she had been cheating on me for 6 months with the same guy and she broke things off. I remember begging her on the phone to tell me that she didn't love me. She refused to say that. That pain remained an open wound for several years.
The rest of college didn't bode well. I was looking for something more serious than anyone else was. I wanted a true connection... love... the desire to be with them forever. College offered fleeting sex, something I had no desire for. Depression finally crushed me and I left school to take a year off. During that year off a car hit mine while I was stopped at a red light. It resulted in a pair of dislocated wrists, tendon/ligament and nerve damage. My hope of being a professional guitarist died then.
During my year off a series of suicides by old friends pried open my heart. I had left too many things unsaid. I would do that no longer. I began to share my feelings openly. Share my care and concern openly. I left nothing unsaid.
I remained alone for several years, depression sabotaging my attempts to get my life on track. College took longer than it should have. The fear of life alone began to build anxiety within me that I couldn't face. I kept changing majors/degrees in order to draw that period in my life as long as possible. During my final 3-4 semesters is when things happened with K.
When K passed... life stopped. Music stopped. My CD/record collection abruptly ends with her death.
While I moved on in many aspects of my life, many things are still frozen in place. I feel like my ambitions died with her. I learned to exist. The feelings in my heart have stayed strong... I have learned to appreciate every moment... but in doing so I stopped looking beyond.
Three weeks after meeting T I again injured my guitar playing hand. It was severe... more nerve damage... muscle atrophy... scar tissue... nerve inflammation... I lost guitar completely for several years. Even now I am a shadow of my former self in that regards. Music still feels frozen in time.
It's fucking weird to look back and realize that I have spent over 75% of my life with severe levels of depression. D/s took over where music left off. Submission through love became my everything. When it is there life feels good. In its absence I feel the familiar pains return. As I feel these feelings creep back into my heart... my music, frozen in time, still feels like it is the soundtrack of my heart.
As I sit here writing... knowing that I'm up way too late and surrounded by thoughts and feelings that I wish I didn't have... It's amazing that I've written so much over the years but still held so many things back. I have maybe 50 songs that have really reached my heart on such a level that they allow me to channel feelings... they make the feelings swirling around me feel real. The hardest part for me right now is that I know that what I'm feeling is chemical. I have no direct reason to feel what I am feeling... it's just what I feel. I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to keep this from happening.
This song popped up on my ipod on random the other day and I hadn't heard it in about 12 years. It caused my heart to stir in that familiar way. This is something I've never done before on my blog. Give a personal glimpse into something very dear to me that isn't just an event or an idea... This is the song that currently resonates with my heart.
I would really love to be working on Part 45 of fs01 right now. My sleep is all screwed up. My head is not in a good place for it. That last argument with T really screwed me up. I feel like the shell over my heart that I broke down with such force in May is back. I tried in 100 different ways to avoid this outcome... and yet I managed to fail in 99 of them. I can feel depression working its way back into my heart. I am angry and sad about it. While I was able to find subspace today I still cannot get there when I want to... I feel like I'm blocked from the feelings I want to have and I don't know what to do.
As I sit through this barrage of a million thoughts it reminds me of many things. It's like I have this mountain welling up in my heart and I don't know how to get it out there and save myself from what may be inevitable. I will use this time to just write... and let things flow out as they come to me.
I feel like a lot of my life has been spent rebuilding. Having my world... my identity... shattered by factors beyond my control and then spending years having to redefine myself... find new things to replace the old... that has been the standard. The first time I can remember this happening was in my youth.
I was a very good athlete and played multiple sports at a high level. I was fast and strong. Very strong. During the final two minutes of a lost-cause football game where half of our team had already given up I was badly injured. My ankle was destroyed. At the time they didn't have medical procedures that could do anything to help it and the doctors used an out of date method for diagnosing and treating the injury. The end result was that it never healed properly. Hundreds of hours of rehab and I was at best, able to get to roughly 60% of what I was. I ended up with a limp that gradually led to other problems. The bigger issue at hand was that I went from being one of the best... to average. For the majority of my life sports were the only way I could win the approval of my adopted father. I don't know if approval is the right word... sports were my way of not being ignored. I played them for years even though I had stopped enjoying them. They were what I did. The lone time I tried to quit baseball I ended up being beaten until I nearly broke my collar bone and got put through a wall. I had grown accustomed to playing through severe injuries. A torn rotator cuff and UCL didn't mean I sat out... it meant I learned how to play left-handed for two years until my right arm was again strong enough to not be useless.
Sports were what I did. They were who I was. I had no identity without them. I was already fucked up in the head from abuse and the events I talked about in The Pains of Youth post. This destroyed me. I no longer had anything interesting to offer my father. Our interactions after this reached a stalemate as I had finally grown strong enough to hold my own in a fist fight with an adult. After a major brawl he no longer attacked me at will and he reverted to mind games to take care of that job.
Over the course of the few years leading up to that I had become a bitter husk of a person. Full of confusion and overflowing rage I dealt with the world with hostility and sarcasm. I had no true friends... I had earned that and deserved the outcome. Two things would impact my life more than anything else over the next couple of years: drugs and music. While my battle with drugs waged on and off for a few years, music was the new constant. It filled the void left behind by my loss of sport. I learned to play guitar. I started a band. I went to as many concerts as I could (250 concerts in 3 years of high school). I had always been interested in music but now I attacked it with all of the energy of my being. I dug and I dug... always staying on the cutting edge of the independent music scene (1992-1997).
I used drugs to keep myself numb. I used music to have feelings on my own terms... when I wanted them. The only feelings I could relate to were sadness, longing, loneliness, and the other parts of darkness within the heart. A newer genre started to emerge in the independent scene. It's emphasis was on emotional lyrical content. It was the soundtrack of my heart. I embraced these songs like they were my own feelings.
As of this time I was still terrified to show anyone what was in my heart. I knew there was a set of feelings I craved... ones that weren't sad... ones that I didn't know... I wanted to love. At 17 I was searching for the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The search did not go well. My feelings were either rejected or I jumped into relationships just to experience them when opportunity provided... these usually lasted about two weeks. I finally fell in love when I was 18 several months after I had sobered up. I shared everything in my heart with her. She was my angel. We got engaged at 19 but went to colleges across the country from each other. She started keeping secrets. I didn't realize I had lost her until she had been cheating on me for 6 months with the same guy and she broke things off. I remember begging her on the phone to tell me that she didn't love me. She refused to say that. That pain remained an open wound for several years.
The rest of college didn't bode well. I was looking for something more serious than anyone else was. I wanted a true connection... love... the desire to be with them forever. College offered fleeting sex, something I had no desire for. Depression finally crushed me and I left school to take a year off. During that year off a car hit mine while I was stopped at a red light. It resulted in a pair of dislocated wrists, tendon/ligament and nerve damage. My hope of being a professional guitarist died then.
During my year off a series of suicides by old friends pried open my heart. I had left too many things unsaid. I would do that no longer. I began to share my feelings openly. Share my care and concern openly. I left nothing unsaid.
I remained alone for several years, depression sabotaging my attempts to get my life on track. College took longer than it should have. The fear of life alone began to build anxiety within me that I couldn't face. I kept changing majors/degrees in order to draw that period in my life as long as possible. During my final 3-4 semesters is when things happened with K.
When K passed... life stopped. Music stopped. My CD/record collection abruptly ends with her death.
While I moved on in many aspects of my life, many things are still frozen in place. I feel like my ambitions died with her. I learned to exist. The feelings in my heart have stayed strong... I have learned to appreciate every moment... but in doing so I stopped looking beyond.
Three weeks after meeting T I again injured my guitar playing hand. It was severe... more nerve damage... muscle atrophy... scar tissue... nerve inflammation... I lost guitar completely for several years. Even now I am a shadow of my former self in that regards. Music still feels frozen in time.
It's fucking weird to look back and realize that I have spent over 75% of my life with severe levels of depression. D/s took over where music left off. Submission through love became my everything. When it is there life feels good. In its absence I feel the familiar pains return. As I feel these feelings creep back into my heart... my music, frozen in time, still feels like it is the soundtrack of my heart.
As I sit here writing... knowing that I'm up way too late and surrounded by thoughts and feelings that I wish I didn't have... It's amazing that I've written so much over the years but still held so many things back. I have maybe 50 songs that have really reached my heart on such a level that they allow me to channel feelings... they make the feelings swirling around me feel real. The hardest part for me right now is that I know that what I'm feeling is chemical. I have no direct reason to feel what I am feeling... it's just what I feel. I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to keep this from happening.
This song popped up on my ipod on random the other day and I hadn't heard it in about 12 years. It caused my heart to stir in that familiar way. This is something I've never done before on my blog. Give a personal glimpse into something very dear to me that isn't just an event or an idea... This is the song that currently resonates with my heart.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Primal Instinct and Cuckolding
Edit: I added a paragraph at the end roughly one hour after posting this. It was something I forgot to mention.
I don't think I have ever written much on cuckolding. It is not something that interests me and falls onto my list of hard limits. It is something I am aware of and slightly worrisome about, as much of my D/s interests seem to point to this as a long-run outcome. A recent comment exchange brought up some very intriguing thoughts upon this topic and it has inspired me to write about it.
Cuckolding is an activity that I have always seen as a long-run activity. Unless someone enters into a relationship with this at the forefront, it is an activity that seems to require years of love, trust, and evolution of D/s dynamics to reach. I do not believe in most cases that cuckolding is planned... it is merely something that appears as "the next" step down an ever-expanding path.
For many, that path often shares similar traits. The strongest underlying factors seem to be the notions of humiliation and emasculation. The sub is gradually broken down on an emotional level. He is humiliated and emasculated until he is no longer deserving of her as a sexual entity. e.g. His sexual prowess is too low. His penis is too small. His stamina is too short. His abilities are too poor. He cannot gratify her sexual needs in a level in which she deserves. She seeks greater pleasure elsewhere.
This is one potential avenue and one that seems to be common in this lifestyle. It is also common for chastity and feminization to be involved. Since his penis is worthless, it may as well be locked up so he can maintain his focus as a submissive. If he is feminized and given a large number of domestic duties he is no longer a desirable mate. He is weak. He is broken. He is inferior.
All of this makes sense to me from a submissive standpoint. My theory that humiliation justifies insecurities flows very well within this framework. It makes sense for a man to fantasize about this. What I have never understood is exactly how this works for the woman.
Over the years I have tried to figure out some of it. A few things I know to be true are that women want to feel beautiful and desirable. Women want to feel their partner is a worthy choice. Once a sub is no longer seen as worthy, it is an understandable process. What I have never been able to understand is why the idea of a desirable bull falls into such a stereotype. Basically, it's like the ideal bull should be able to double as a porn star.
I can understand that this stereotype gives the greatest contrast to the sub being cuckolded. I originally thought that the desire for the woman was to seek another partner that would be closer to an equal. The desire to be with a "real person," now that the sub is no longer one. I believe now that this is something that extends beyond what I understand.
That recent comment exchange brought up the idea that on a primal reproductive level, women will instinctively seek out a strong mate. The alpha. The strongest in the pack. The one who will yield the strongest offspring and greatest chance of survival of the species.
The modern era has yielded the idea of the sensitive male and the idea that emotional connection is as important as physical attraction. How a man makes a woman feel is rooted on many different levels. Why then do these ideas get turned on their head with cuckolding? Are they tapping into their primal nature and following instinct? Or is it mostly chasing an idea that is rooted in posturing?
I don't know the answers to these questions but they definitely came to mind. In any case, it definitely piqued my curiosity.
It also has me wondering if this is why the Lesbian cuckold idea rarely happens. I know this is a common fantasy for men but I have only read of one case where this actually happened. From a fantasy standpoint it seems like this would work just as well from a psychological standpoint, e.g. she would rather have sex with a woman than with the sub. It just seems that this so rarely happens, even among Dommes that consider themselves to be bisexual. It does support the idea of the primal urges.
I don't think I have ever written much on cuckolding. It is not something that interests me and falls onto my list of hard limits. It is something I am aware of and slightly worrisome about, as much of my D/s interests seem to point to this as a long-run outcome. A recent comment exchange brought up some very intriguing thoughts upon this topic and it has inspired me to write about it.
Cuckolding is an activity that I have always seen as a long-run activity. Unless someone enters into a relationship with this at the forefront, it is an activity that seems to require years of love, trust, and evolution of D/s dynamics to reach. I do not believe in most cases that cuckolding is planned... it is merely something that appears as "the next" step down an ever-expanding path.
For many, that path often shares similar traits. The strongest underlying factors seem to be the notions of humiliation and emasculation. The sub is gradually broken down on an emotional level. He is humiliated and emasculated until he is no longer deserving of her as a sexual entity. e.g. His sexual prowess is too low. His penis is too small. His stamina is too short. His abilities are too poor. He cannot gratify her sexual needs in a level in which she deserves. She seeks greater pleasure elsewhere.
This is one potential avenue and one that seems to be common in this lifestyle. It is also common for chastity and feminization to be involved. Since his penis is worthless, it may as well be locked up so he can maintain his focus as a submissive. If he is feminized and given a large number of domestic duties he is no longer a desirable mate. He is weak. He is broken. He is inferior.
All of this makes sense to me from a submissive standpoint. My theory that humiliation justifies insecurities flows very well within this framework. It makes sense for a man to fantasize about this. What I have never understood is exactly how this works for the woman.
Over the years I have tried to figure out some of it. A few things I know to be true are that women want to feel beautiful and desirable. Women want to feel their partner is a worthy choice. Once a sub is no longer seen as worthy, it is an understandable process. What I have never been able to understand is why the idea of a desirable bull falls into such a stereotype. Basically, it's like the ideal bull should be able to double as a porn star.
I can understand that this stereotype gives the greatest contrast to the sub being cuckolded. I originally thought that the desire for the woman was to seek another partner that would be closer to an equal. The desire to be with a "real person," now that the sub is no longer one. I believe now that this is something that extends beyond what I understand.
That recent comment exchange brought up the idea that on a primal reproductive level, women will instinctively seek out a strong mate. The alpha. The strongest in the pack. The one who will yield the strongest offspring and greatest chance of survival of the species.
The modern era has yielded the idea of the sensitive male and the idea that emotional connection is as important as physical attraction. How a man makes a woman feel is rooted on many different levels. Why then do these ideas get turned on their head with cuckolding? Are they tapping into their primal nature and following instinct? Or is it mostly chasing an idea that is rooted in posturing?
I don't know the answers to these questions but they definitely came to mind. In any case, it definitely piqued my curiosity.
It also has me wondering if this is why the Lesbian cuckold idea rarely happens. I know this is a common fantasy for men but I have only read of one case where this actually happened. From a fantasy standpoint it seems like this would work just as well from a psychological standpoint, e.g. she would rather have sex with a woman than with the sub. It just seems that this so rarely happens, even among Dommes that consider themselves to be bisexual. It does support the idea of the primal urges.
D/s, Emotional Calm, and Empowerment
I have generally felt that my draw to D/s and why I flow naturally within it was due to my emotional damage. E.g. Earning love, proving my love by jumping through the required hoops and so on. This provides me a sense of order in what would otherwise be a life full of chaos.
A comment exchange with another blogger last night allowed me to peel back another layer and understand a deeper factor involved in it all. Much of my depression and issues with self-worth stem heavily from feeling helpless. The best way to describe this is that much of the time, life feels out of control. It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, how capable you are, and so on. Much of life is random and chaotic; a game with ever-changing rules that is won by dumb luck or knowing how to use and exploit those rules.
The rules are constantly in flux. The game changes constantly. Image trumps substance. Exploitation trumps talent. Posturing trumps insight. It feels out of control. "Winning" involves playing the short-run. It is a game I do not wish to play. I inevitably lose. It feels helpless... senseless... and false.
There are many aspects of the game I could never win. I'm not pretty enough. I don't project a strong enough false bravado. I don't like to use other as stepping stones. I don't like to tell anyone anything that isn't true. I hate to play because it is out of my control... there are too many parts that I simply cannot win and others that will not win because I refuse to compromise my values. It feels like chaos. It feels helpless.
D/s is the game I thrive in. The rules are agreed upon at the start. I play the game within them. Winning and losing are under my control. Reward and punishment are earned. The game is logical, rational, and more importantly, I feel like I am in control of my own destiny. I feel empowered. I am not helpless. I will be judged upon my merits. This is a game I can win.
I believe this is why I find D/s so calming to my soul. It is strange that I feel most empowered when I submit to another.
A comment exchange with another blogger last night allowed me to peel back another layer and understand a deeper factor involved in it all. Much of my depression and issues with self-worth stem heavily from feeling helpless. The best way to describe this is that much of the time, life feels out of control. It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, how capable you are, and so on. Much of life is random and chaotic; a game with ever-changing rules that is won by dumb luck or knowing how to use and exploit those rules.
The rules are constantly in flux. The game changes constantly. Image trumps substance. Exploitation trumps talent. Posturing trumps insight. It feels out of control. "Winning" involves playing the short-run. It is a game I do not wish to play. I inevitably lose. It feels helpless... senseless... and false.
There are many aspects of the game I could never win. I'm not pretty enough. I don't project a strong enough false bravado. I don't like to use other as stepping stones. I don't like to tell anyone anything that isn't true. I hate to play because it is out of my control... there are too many parts that I simply cannot win and others that will not win because I refuse to compromise my values. It feels like chaos. It feels helpless.
D/s is the game I thrive in. The rules are agreed upon at the start. I play the game within them. Winning and losing are under my control. Reward and punishment are earned. The game is logical, rational, and more importantly, I feel like I am in control of my own destiny. I feel empowered. I am not helpless. I will be judged upon my merits. This is a game I can win.
I believe this is why I find D/s so calming to my soul. It is strange that I feel most empowered when I submit to another.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Next Drawing
I do plan on doing another drawing here hopefully in the near future. At the current rate I should reach my 1,000,000th page view in 1-2 months. I plan to do a milestone drawing. I have a basic idea for what I plan to do but if anyone has any ideas I would consider them as well before I start it.
F/m vs. M/f. There are a lot of differences out there.
This post is in response to some comments exchanged between myself and the author over at https://emdimensional.wordpress.com/
The specific posts in question are located at:
https://emdimensional.wordpress.com/2016/07/19/rituals-within-a-ds-relationship/
https://emdimensional.wordpress.com/2016/07/13/submissive-types/
I will begin this post by saying that I have limited experience with M/f long-term relationships. I have my experiences interacting with people I have met at munches and known, resources I have read over the years, and a handful of blogs, forums, social media, and the like. Communicating with the author of that blog has let me know that are plenty of M/f relationships that seem to conduct themselves in a manner similar to how I see many F/m relationships where there is a large mental component and fairly strict role differentiation.
Rather than try to stumble through M/f, I will begin with what I see as being the most common types of F/m relationships and work from them as a starting point.
-Monogamous Lifestyle. This falls under many different names and has many different faces. Some try to give it a different name but in my eyes they are all more similar than different. 24-7, FLR, etc. The concept behind these is that there is a monogamous, loving relationship between Domme and sub and there are D/s dynamics that extend beyond the bedroom, easily reaching into many facets of every day life. While the extent of the dynamics may vary, I will simply use this to describe them: 24-7 does not mean D/s all the time, it means means D/s at any time.
-Poly Lifestyle. In these cases it seems most common for Dommes to piece together a stable of subs that fill various roles rather than attempting to find one sub that will fill all roles. This may include a domestic sub that performs household duties, a sub that specializes in sexual duties, a sub that is willing to take intense pain, etc. While the composition and background may vary, it's not usually a mix of subs that are all the same, mostly ones that fill different roles in her life. I will lump cuckold relationships into this as well although I do not mean that to be an insult, it just involves an individual beyond the primary submissive.
-Top/Bottom. I believe in these relationships the dynamics are mostly sexual in nature. They occasionally may bleed over into daily life but for the most part, the parties take on these roles at certain times and it is definitely not "most of the time." I believe most relationships involving switches would fall into this type.
-Specialized fetish. While a lot of these may be a part of different lifestyle, I use this to describe relationships where the primary focus of the relationship is the shared fetish appeal more so than the standard lifestyle dynamics. e.g. Chastity enthusiests, spankos, etc. may fall into this category.
-Evolving. I don't consider this a real group but I do think there needs to be some middle ground between Top/Bottom and Lifestyle. If you think about relationships that are still heavily evolving, they are often on a road leading toward one of the above outcomes. I would most closely match them with the relationship type that will probably become over time.
This list of does not adequately describe everything out there that can exist, but I believe that it does cover a lot of them.
When I first read the submissive types post I remember thinking, "holy crap, there's a lot more acceptable types of femsubs than male subs." I have cycled my thoughts over this a dozen times in the past week or two and tonight I was able to figure out (at least on some level) why things appear so different between F/m and M/f.
I believe part of the answer lies in numbers. I am pulling these out of my ass, but they seem to be relatively consistent with what I have found over the years. If we look at a ratio for F:M:f:m, I view the population as being something like 1:20:200:2000. Feel free to debate these numbers but I think some can be skewed for Maledoms who play with multiple femsubs, neither of whom are looking for a relationship with one another. The basic result is that there are hardly any Dommes and an absolute shitload of male subs.
I'm not sure if this dictates what people are looking for, but from my experiences the average Maledom profile tends to talk a lot about their play habits while the average Femdom profile wants you to be a chiseled Adonis, a Rhodes scholar, a CEO, and into everything that they like (yes, I'm exaggerating here for the sake of humor). Dommes can afford to be picky as hell and seem to gravitate toward life partners in monogamous lifestyle, and in others types there seem to be a mix of interesting personal connections or subs that can be used or fill a specific role.
These types seem to be nearly non-existent in F/m: Timid/Parallel, Rope Bunny, Pet, Little, Brat. It's not that the subs don't exist, but the labels they have are generally things like "do me," "pretender," or "single." While I do not doubt that there are a small percentage of these types who are in relationships, I would guess that each type makes up less than 1% of the long-term F/m relationships. Basically, there aren't enough Dommes who want this type of relationship to have them even be a speck on the radar.
The Dommes that tend to crave high-maintenance situations are often micro-managers and/or sadists. The others tend to view a lot of this as a chore. I would guess that looking more at the pro Dominatrix community it would be easier to grasp what percentage of men want those things. I just hold a strong belief that they likely won't get those things without paying for them.
I haven't thought enough about the psychological differences between men and women as to why things are this way. Most Dommes seem to want men who are strong and submissive. Maledoms seem to be more okay as a whole with subs that are weak and submissive.
While many Dommes are caring of the sub's emotional well-being, very few are willing to hand-hold a sub through life and have to take on a "motherly" role with them. On the flip-side I read about a good number of Maledoms who willingly take on a nurturing and guiding role for femsubs.
I hope this makes some sense.
The specific posts in question are located at:
https://emdimensional.wordpress.com/2016/07/19/rituals-within-a-ds-relationship/
https://emdimensional.wordpress.com/2016/07/13/submissive-types/
I will begin this post by saying that I have limited experience with M/f long-term relationships. I have my experiences interacting with people I have met at munches and known, resources I have read over the years, and a handful of blogs, forums, social media, and the like. Communicating with the author of that blog has let me know that are plenty of M/f relationships that seem to conduct themselves in a manner similar to how I see many F/m relationships where there is a large mental component and fairly strict role differentiation.
Rather than try to stumble through M/f, I will begin with what I see as being the most common types of F/m relationships and work from them as a starting point.
-Monogamous Lifestyle. This falls under many different names and has many different faces. Some try to give it a different name but in my eyes they are all more similar than different. 24-7, FLR, etc. The concept behind these is that there is a monogamous, loving relationship between Domme and sub and there are D/s dynamics that extend beyond the bedroom, easily reaching into many facets of every day life. While the extent of the dynamics may vary, I will simply use this to describe them: 24-7 does not mean D/s all the time, it means means D/s at any time.
-Poly Lifestyle. In these cases it seems most common for Dommes to piece together a stable of subs that fill various roles rather than attempting to find one sub that will fill all roles. This may include a domestic sub that performs household duties, a sub that specializes in sexual duties, a sub that is willing to take intense pain, etc. While the composition and background may vary, it's not usually a mix of subs that are all the same, mostly ones that fill different roles in her life. I will lump cuckold relationships into this as well although I do not mean that to be an insult, it just involves an individual beyond the primary submissive.
-Top/Bottom. I believe in these relationships the dynamics are mostly sexual in nature. They occasionally may bleed over into daily life but for the most part, the parties take on these roles at certain times and it is definitely not "most of the time." I believe most relationships involving switches would fall into this type.
-Specialized fetish. While a lot of these may be a part of different lifestyle, I use this to describe relationships where the primary focus of the relationship is the shared fetish appeal more so than the standard lifestyle dynamics. e.g. Chastity enthusiests, spankos, etc. may fall into this category.
-Evolving. I don't consider this a real group but I do think there needs to be some middle ground between Top/Bottom and Lifestyle. If you think about relationships that are still heavily evolving, they are often on a road leading toward one of the above outcomes. I would most closely match them with the relationship type that will probably become over time.
This list of does not adequately describe everything out there that can exist, but I believe that it does cover a lot of them.
When I first read the submissive types post I remember thinking, "holy crap, there's a lot more acceptable types of femsubs than male subs." I have cycled my thoughts over this a dozen times in the past week or two and tonight I was able to figure out (at least on some level) why things appear so different between F/m and M/f.
I believe part of the answer lies in numbers. I am pulling these out of my ass, but they seem to be relatively consistent with what I have found over the years. If we look at a ratio for F:M:f:m, I view the population as being something like 1:20:200:2000. Feel free to debate these numbers but I think some can be skewed for Maledoms who play with multiple femsubs, neither of whom are looking for a relationship with one another. The basic result is that there are hardly any Dommes and an absolute shitload of male subs.
I'm not sure if this dictates what people are looking for, but from my experiences the average Maledom profile tends to talk a lot about their play habits while the average Femdom profile wants you to be a chiseled Adonis, a Rhodes scholar, a CEO, and into everything that they like (yes, I'm exaggerating here for the sake of humor). Dommes can afford to be picky as hell and seem to gravitate toward life partners in monogamous lifestyle, and in others types there seem to be a mix of interesting personal connections or subs that can be used or fill a specific role.
These types seem to be nearly non-existent in F/m: Timid/Parallel, Rope Bunny, Pet, Little, Brat. It's not that the subs don't exist, but the labels they have are generally things like "do me," "pretender," or "single." While I do not doubt that there are a small percentage of these types who are in relationships, I would guess that each type makes up less than 1% of the long-term F/m relationships. Basically, there aren't enough Dommes who want this type of relationship to have them even be a speck on the radar.
The Dommes that tend to crave high-maintenance situations are often micro-managers and/or sadists. The others tend to view a lot of this as a chore. I would guess that looking more at the pro Dominatrix community it would be easier to grasp what percentage of men want those things. I just hold a strong belief that they likely won't get those things without paying for them.
I haven't thought enough about the psychological differences between men and women as to why things are this way. Most Dommes seem to want men who are strong and submissive. Maledoms seem to be more okay as a whole with subs that are weak and submissive.
While many Dommes are caring of the sub's emotional well-being, very few are willing to hand-hold a sub through life and have to take on a "motherly" role with them. On the flip-side I read about a good number of Maledoms who willingly take on a nurturing and guiding role for femsubs.
I hope this makes some sense.
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