Thinking about "no"

I think part of why I tend to view D/s so differently than those who came in through the BDSM community ranks is that I'm not a big fan of being able to say no.  This stems heavily from a belief in meta-consent but also how my subspace responds in power exchange.

If a Domme orders you to do something and you can simply decline if it's something you don't like doing, this just doesn't sit right with me.  I tend to view from the standpoint of options:
1.  You say yes.
2a.  You say no but end up doing it anyway after some "encouragement."
2b.  You say no and end up doing something much worse than saying yes.

If Pavlovian conditioning exists, it doesn't take long for the sub to understand that "yes" is really the only good option.

That to me is the essence of power exchange.  It doesn't seem like D/s if you are only told to do things that you enjoy.  It doesn't seem like D/s if you can easily escape doing something you do not enjoy.  I view power as the ability to make someone do something they do not want to do.  By giving up power via power exchange you have given a Domme the right to make you do whatever she wants you to do (within reasonable boundaries).

I think this is why my subspace responds so strongly to being forced to do some things.  It thrives when "no" isn't a good option and makes the best of the situation.

Don't get me wrong, I think honesty and open communication are part of a healthy relationship, but when she has complete information and still chooses to wield this power it is very erotic.  

Pondering "what if?"

Last night I started thinking about the path that my life has followed through D/s and it got me wondering whether or not it would have progressed in a similar way if my early Femdom experiences had been less intense and/or of a shorter duration.

I have known enough Femdom couples to where I think that my beliefs on the progressive escalation of D/s intensity over time are probably true.  I also know that there are tendencies for one or both parties to hit plateaus that may provide plenty of happiness for long periods of time.

I guess I'm just curious if it would have delayed my desires for ultra-high intensity or if it would have played out nearly the same.  I know it's impossible to tell for sure but that doesn't mean I can't dabble in the hypotheticals.

Yahoo ping box go buh bye

I just caught that yahoo is discontinuing their ping box as of 12/14/12 and we're supposed to delete it before you can't delete it anymore or something.

I will miss being able to chat with people even if it is anonymous.

If you have any questions for me you can reach me through comments or my email address in my profile.

Redefining myself

It's hard to describe just what a difference I have felt emotionally since writing my post on the deep submissive.  It has completely changed the way I view myself and has made sense of much of the chaos that has cluttered my psyche for the past several years.

If you have read a decent number of my blog entries you'll find that I've never really been comfortable with being a sissy or being turned on by humiliation, etc.  By developing the idea of the deep submissive, everything really makes sense now.  Lady Grey was kind enough to provide the term "phantom fetish effect" for this and I think it describes it well.  The phantom fetish effect is basically when a sub gets turned on by the environment, symbolism, or atmosphere of an activity rather than by the activity itself.  An easy example is a sub that is not a masochist that gets turned on by being spanked not because of the pain but due to the intimacy, vulnerability, power exchange, and so on.

I finally feel like my sexual connection to forced feminization makes sense.  It is sort of like my "submissive uniform" and the more humiliating it is, the greater my sense of surrender, the deeper the subspace, and the stronger the arousal as it feeds the submissive loop.

I do feel a small sense of loss though, it seems by understanding it, some of the sting and stigma have faded from my psyche.  It's probably healthier this way but the sense of vulnerability that someone "knows my secret" is a bit less frightening now that I have rationalized it.  Basically, I think I was scared to call myself a sissy and I feel I have found the answer explaining that I am really not.  I have never aspired to be a woman, I don't have a feminine side, I find the idea of forced bi repulsing, and it just doesn't appeal to me beyond its psychological effects.

On the flip side, my sexual connection to it has not gone away, I just feel less burdened now that I understand it and can explain it.  That being said, I'm sure I could still be teased about it and feel shame, but the turmoil is gone.

If I had to call myself something now, it would probably be a deep submissive.