Friday, May 28, 2010

Subs on Loan

Lady Grey asked about my thoughts on subs being swapped or loaned out to another Dominant with the Domme's approval, so here it goes...

In the past I've thought a bit about being loaned out or exchanged temporarily to serve another woman.  I think some of it falls into "typical male fantasy" area, under the fantasy pretense that the woman he is loaned to will be stunningly beautiful and absolutely perfect in the way she dominates.  Basically, it's pretty common in a grass is greener sense.

Getting that fantasy out of the way and looking at it from reality, there's a few different ways of looking at it.

Scenarios a Domme might use:
-Sending her sub to an uber-strict Domme so that he can learn appreciation for his own Mistress.

-Sending her sub to a D/s situation that isn't sexual in the slightest.

-Sending her very loyal sub to a Domme in order to press his loyalty to its limits.  
-Sending her very loyal sub to a Domme that is an overt tease in an effort to give a conflict between his heart and his genitals.

-Sending her sub to a Domme for specific training that she doesn't wish to partake in.
-Sending her sub to a much less strict Domme as sort of a vacation.
-Temporarily trading him for another sub.

As I am making this list I'm starting to see some of the reasons for instigating this.
1.  Wanting the sub to be treated more harshly than she wishes to treat him.  Make him dread the thought of serving a different woman and focus on improving his behavior.
2.  Wanting the sub to undergo mental distress at serving someone else (while knowing if he does poorly she will be upset). 
3.  Wanting the sub to learn full appreciation for his current situation.   Shatter the typical male fantasy with cold, harsh reality.

4.  For her own amusement.
5.  To show off her sub to another woman friend.  Let him display his best behavior.
6.  Rewarding him with a more casual form of servitude for the quality of his service.
7.  Making him jealous knowing that another sub is serving his Mistress.

From a Domme's perspective, I would be very wary if he was gung ho about serving another woman (if even only for a few hours).  This seems to raise questions about loyalty and he might be wishing things were closer to his perfect fantasy. 

That being said, I would say it will probably only benefit the both of you if he hates the idea of it and knows the prospects of it will not be enjoyable.

From a sub's perspective, I think a change might be exhilarating, but a sub that truly wishes to serve another woman (even on loan) is probably looking for another Mistress or is seeking a particular level of depersonalization or abuse.  In the former case that is a bad sign, in the latter case that might be understandable but uncommon.

Personally, I've enjoyed the idea of serving a group of women with my Mistress there or being "tag teamed" by her and another woman, but rarely have I wished to serve another woman unless I really wanted to be with someone else.

Any thoughts?

Extreme Behavior Modification - The KTB

First off, I am going to start this post off with the statement that these things scare the living crap out of me and I wouldn't ever want to wear one.  The concept is, however, an interesting one.

For those unfamiliar with the KTB, the name is short for "Kali's Tooth Bracelet" or "Kali's Teeth Bracelet."  The KTB is a simple chastity device that involves a metal ring that is locked around the penis, but the inside of the ring is covered in spikes (ranging from short and dull to long and quite sharp).

The idea is that the ring will be fitted around the penis when it is flaccid.  The fit is snug but not tight.  If the wearer attempts to remove the ring the skin will bunch up and get pinched by the teeth (possibly causing bleeding depending upon the fit and types of spikes).  If the wearer attempts to get an erection, the penis will press against the spikes and cause extreme pain and the penis will immediately return to a flaccid state.     

Pretty simple.  If you are a guy and reading this you are probably crossing your legs by now.  If you are a woman and reading this I have absolutely no clue what kind of reaction you are having to this but I would guess it's probably at some extreme end of "Sweet!" or "HELL NO!"  I can say that I read somewhere before that these were out of production for several years due to too many injuries happening.

What strikes me as interesting about something that I would have no desire to partake in is that this is really a different kind of chastity device and it really provides some insight that there are really very different types of Mistresses out there. 

You probably already know that the traditional male chastity devices work by holding the penis at an angle or curve and restricting the amount of enlargement that is possible in order to prevent an erection.  By encasing the penis it also prevents any form of pleasurable touching.  However, it does allow for the penis to TRY to get erect against its confines, leaving the sub in a state of incredible sexual frustration.  In most cases, this frustration is the enjoyable part of chastity, heightened awareness of hornyness building to an explosive volcanic orgasm upon release.

This is the key difference of the KTB.  Instead of feeding the fires of sexual frustration, it provides a severe negative consequence for even attempting an erection.  Rather than preventing orgasms, it conditions in a factor of self-control:  the sub shouldn't even try to get hard without permission.  I actually think the end result is kind of neat.  If you had enough self-control to respond to verbal commands regarding whether or not you have an erection.  Aside from Buddhist Monks known for exerting incredible levels of body control, wouldn't subs trained with a KTB pull in a close second? 

I would never actually want to wear one of these but I would find it something to be prideful of if you could simply go erect or flaccid whenever ordered to. 

Any thoughts?

The Aftermath

Well, Tuesday evening we talked things through.  She told me she was prepared to end things.  I said that I wasn't willing to give up but things had to improve... quite a bit. 

When I got ripped into earlier in the day I got a bit defensive and said some things that were my true feelings but in a way that was meant to be a somewhat hurtful reality check.  I regret doing that but it seemed to get the gears turning.  She did some research on severe PMS symptoms and came up with this:

Basically, she exudes heavily nearly every symptom of premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) that starts about 4 days before her period and lasts until the day she has her period, where they completely vanish.  From our talk she had told me that this is how she had always been during PMS times and she never gave the severe impulses much thought until now.  This was a bit odd, considering that those impulses were often along the lines of killing someone, killing herself, wanting to beat the shit out of people (not in a BDSM way), binge eating, saying and doing hurtful things with the knowledge that they were hurtful, etc.

I'm a bit weirded out by this, but it makes sense.  At the same time, I'm not sure just how much things will change since it's mostly based upon her wanting to change or not and get treatment for PMDD, and so on.  I still feel a bit like I'm sitting on a bomb but at the same time this does indicate progress considering it's the first time my referencing PMS wasn't met with an immediate "fuck you" and some physical attack. 

Tuesday ended well.  Wednesday was decently good but ended early with her departure for work.

Today was, well... not as bad as Tuesday morning but things dropped off a bit.  She slept for 7 hours this morning until afternoon (~7:40am-2:40pm), then slept from ~4:00pm until ~7:30pm, then was almost dozing off from ~9:10-9:35pm.  She had to leave for work at 9:40pm and so I turned on the bright light in the room at 9:37 since she still had to get ready for work and this was the only way I felt was sure to get her up.  This was met with a scowl, some angry words, and I felt emotionally distanced from when she got up until she left for work.  Would I have been better off letting her be late for work or did I make the right choice and the outcome still sucks?

I'm not trying to over-react or be overly dramatic or anything with this, but it made my heart sink a bit.  I'll keep trying to work through things.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Hitting the Fan

Well, I started this blog about a month ago after a pretty major PMS-fueled fight I had with my Domme/Girlfriend.  There were a lot of things I needed to get off my chest and sort through both in my head and heart.  Basically, this was a forum for me to gather my thoughts and reaffirm my beliefs as a human, man, and submissive.  Over the past 6+ months she has been working 3rd shift 4+ nights a week and I'm a night owl that doesn't do well when having all the time in the world alone to stew in my thoughts and I ended up turning here.

We've been together nearly four years.  Communication got tough after the first year or so, but we managed to keep the wheels on although things almost derailed several times over that span even with things being fairly dysfunctional.  I have a way of adapting to whatever lifestyle I'm living and finding ways to outlet my time and emotions.  Over the past couple of years, the D/s nature of our lifestyle has deteriorated quite a bit and it's gotten to the point where we have maybe a month of "on" time during the summer and 1-2 weeks during the holidays for us to connect on that level.  During the rest of the year we seem to average one evening of "on" time every 4-6 weeks and a couple of hours here and there over that span.  Basically, we're sort of a vanilla couple with kinky play every so often but we entered into the relationship through the BDSM scene.

After the first 6 months we began to fight here and there, which is fairly normal for any relationship.  As time passed, that got to be a bit more common and revolving around common themes.  I found it very difficult to help steer the relationship down the correct path when any input for changes I could give was reacted to in a negative way.  At this point, I seemed to just kind of adapt and just "exist" in the relationship outside of the "on" times that we had.  Starting about 2 years ago the fights got more and more frequent and more and more extreme.  Disarming someone when they've gone into defensive mode is really tough to do and usually it was more a matter of waiting for her to not be mad anymore than it was to change things to avoid those same pitfalls.  Last year I started noticing trends in the fights.  They got more and more frequent... and pretty much we were having a major argument once a month.

For 3-4 days a month her behavior would go completely irrational and paranoid and she would fly off the handle at the drop of a hat.  After about 4 months of this I started noticing that we would fight horribly for a few days then she would get her period and things would be comfortable again.  I started marking the calendar at this point and noticed that, like clockwork, the fights would happen 3-4 days before her period was due.  Keep in mind I'm not some asshole guy who wants to blame all the flaws in women on their period.  I'm a very sensitive guy and I was searching for answers as to why I was on the receiving end of some heavy emotional abuse that was happening fairly regularly. 

In our relationship we both use the internet quite a bit.  We have an agreement to do whatever we want on there as long as it's nothing we "shouldn't" be doing.  About 18 months ago I got into an online situation I shouldn't have and she found it by digging through my browser history, emails, and chat logs (which also happened to be during a PMS time).  I know that I did something that was wrong and I shouldn't have.  She knows she violated my privacy by going through my computer and promised she wouldn't do that again.  I also promised not to do anything questionable. 

She regularly chats with Dommes, Doms, and subs and receives 30+ emails a day via adult networking sites.  Not once have I ever doubted her although I was honest with her that it hurt my feelings when she started looking at male subs for doggie-style sex and strap-on play.  I'm unable to get it up for doggie style (I can only get hard when I'm on bottom, being a top in doggie style just doesn't turn me on) and anal was on my list of hard limits when we first got together.  I offered a compromise of getting some kind of extension or male strap on for doggie style and I rescinded my hard limit, allowing her to violate me. 

This morning I awoke to a kick in the leg and accusations of "cheating" online with another woman.  I had only been asleep around 3 hours (I got to bed too late) and was very groggy.  This was a bit frustrating but I managed to assure her that there was nothing weird going on.  As I got ready to check my email I found my history was open and she had visited every blog and fetish-oriented site in my history and left it open so I would know she had done it.  This made me fairly angry and it led to another argument.  Oddly enough, but I checked the date and it's been 26 days since her last period.

Right now I'm not quite certain where I stand emotionally on things.  She wasn't angry that I had a blog and she saw from some of my posts just how unhappy and unfulfilled I've been.  She also knows that I can't talk to her about those things because it just leads to more arguments and hurt feelings when I try to be honest about how I'm feeling with her.  Her feelings were hurt that I didn't share it with her.  I figured that if she couldn't have a conversation about it in person without blowing up that it probably wouldn't go over very well by reading it either.

I don't really know how I feel.  I feel like my trust has been betrayed a bit.  It would be easy to say something here like "a sub shouldn't need privacy," but the reality of it is that our relationship is Femdom for around 50 total days a year and vanilla for around 315 days a year.  That's not to say that I don't do a lot of things for her.  Even though we don't live together, I cook about 80% of the meals, do most of the shopping, and babysit her son 20+ hours a week.  I don't complain when she has a night off and chooses to go out for drinks with co-workers rather than spending time with me and/or her son.  I don't complain when we go 70+ days without intimacy.

I just don't know if I can bear hanging onto this when I get attacked on a monthly basis to the point where I want to curl up and just cry.  I don't know if it's worth it anymore. 

The mix of sadness, distrust, and frustration are keeping me from having a clear head.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

In Need of Ideas

I seem to have lost a bit of intensity in my writing lately.  I think this may be a good thing since it means there aren't a lot of pressing thoughts or feelings that I need to think through but at the same time I feel a bit at a loss when I sit down to write.

If anyone has any ideas for new posts or would like me to elaborate on something I talked about in a previous post please let me know.  Otherwise I will probably take a bit of a break from writing blog entries and will probably stick to reading blogs and making some comments here and there until my muse returns.