Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Reflections on my submissive vs. sissy Dichotomy

I recently stumbled across a blog of a Femdom D/s relationship, although it appears in blog lingo the more common term is FLR/FLM, bug I'm guessing this is probably takes root in whether or not the relationship was formed through the BDSM-world or gravitated towards from what was a vanilla relationship.  It's a very candid and honest blog that talks about many things, especially the growing pains of discovery and how things tend to function in a D/s relationship.  If you want a realistic view of a lifestyle D/s relationship, I definitely recommend checking it out.

The blog is located:

While reading a few posts I began reflecting upon myself and just how things work inside of me.  If you have read my posts you are probably familiar with these and this is going to be another one of those 2+2 = ? type posts with the quest of self-discovery.

As I've mentioned a couple of times, it wasn't until recently that I began to consider myself a sissy and before my conditioning, I never really craved to be dressed in women's clothing.  Even during times where I was single, I wouldn't just lounge around the house dressed up, nor would I have considered myself a cross-dresser.  I still don't consider myself a cross-dresser.  I do strongly consider myself a submissive and have for a very long time.

The appeal of dressing to me has only ever been towards forced feminization (and not in the "I want to cross-dress but need a woman to force me" way).  A post on the above linked blog drew up some interesting correlations between panty-wearing and the display of power/submission and I realized then that this described me fairly well.  Over the years I have experienced every sexual fantasy I had ever dreamed of when I was younger and the large majority of the BDSM fantasies I had in my early 20's and I think that plays a big part in this.

Once I reached some deep levels of sub-space in real life, those levels soon began feeling ordinary when they were happening regularly.  I enjoyed it a lot (and still do) but I had continuously craved for more.  To feel more helpless/powerless, to feel more controlled, more submissive, more pleasing, and so on became a fantasy.  I guess you could call it the need for having things "spiced up" a bit.

When forced dressing first was introduced to me it really pushed me to a deeper level of submission.  This new sub-space was so deep that I finally felt at peace again (just like experiencing more mild sub-space for the first time).  The humiliation makes me feel even more submissive and even happier to serve when I'm in this state.  Since then, nearly every fantasy I have had since then has involved forced dressing and over time it has developed into a bit of a fetish. 

Getting back to my original thoughts, is my draw really to forced feminization or is it merely to relating forced feminization with deep submission?   Similarly, is my draw to being humiliated related more to deep submission than humiliation?

My gut tells me that the answers to both questions are yes.

If I had to choose between gazing upon my Venus in Furs or being feminized and wearing girly furs, I would definitely choose Venus.  I'm sure I'll end up writing more about this in future posts as I think more

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

What soup is the most Femdom?

One of the Femdom/Feminization forums I visit has been rather dead lately.

Out of sheer boredom and hope of getting any kind of posts whatsoever I posted the question:  What soup is the most Femdom and why?

My list so far:
-Clam Chowder.  I've head clam used in slang reference to the labia/vagina and if you say clam chowder with the right accent it sounds like someone is excitedly going to perform some voracious cunnilingus.

-Alphabet soup.  She can use it to spell out commands without having to say anything while she's eating.

-Chicken & Stars soup.  'Cuz every Domme is a soup-ah star.  Haha, I made a funny.  Yes, if I were you I'd totally slap me.

-Ramen Noodle soup.  The noodles can be bundled together to form a flogger.

Does anyone else have any?

A sissy as a Caricature of Womanhood

My second Mistress was a deep Female Supremacist and loved the fact that I shared the same sentiments.  She would constantly reinforce this imbalance through repeated efforts to crush my male ego until it no longer existed.

While she took over where my first Mistress had left off by taking me down the trail of forced feminization her thoughts and philosophies came from a different place.  She felt a man attempting to be a woman was insulting so her approach to sissies was to push things so far over the top that it wasn't like an attempt at womanhood, but an attempt at what no woman would ever be.  Just as a caricature greatly exaggerates the characteristics of a person, her choices for sissy clothing were ones that exaggerated the most feminine things but in a comical manner that didn't come close to passing for actual femininity.

Uncomfortable lingerie, extremely tight-fitting clothing, inappropriately bared flesh, tiny skirts that barely covered the genitals, boots and shoes that were uncomfortable and nearly impossible to walk in, shirts and tops that were too small so they barely covered my midsection, uncomfortable underwire bras that served no purpose since she wanted a flat chest.  Then she would take every fashion faux pas and use them all at once.  I would never pass as a woman and the goal was to be such a poor impersonation of womanhood that everyone, male or female would laugh.

Her appeal in doing this was to amuse herself when she would look at me and then relish the look of shame and discomfort on my face.

If I resisted in the slightest she would remind me that sissies were the lowest creature on the BDSM food chain and how they ranked below Dominant women, submissive women, and submissive men.

Female Superiority

I don't think that I've stated it outright in my previous posts so I figure that now is as good of a time as any.

I am a firm believer in the idea of Female Superiority (or Female Supremacy if you prefer to word it that way).

Each year over the past two decades, it seems that more and more studies are performed contrasting the differences in men and women when it comes to happiness, relationships, career success, behavior, money management, infidelity, and human interactions where women tend to dominate the results.  While men may have the physical advantage, we have been unable to overcome the "way it always has been" in our interpersonal relationships and how that reflects upon our psyche.  We learn better through punishment and discipline.  We are more motivated by fear of shame and acceptance of our peers.  We live with constant insecurities about our masculinity, penis size, and hairline.  Why are we so unable to rise above?

Women face far more daily psychological attacks when it comes to their physical characteristics than we do, yet they find a way to thrive regardless of that.  They learn through caring support and nurturing.  They accept peers as equals rather than forcing them into a hierarchy of worth with an alpha leading the pack.  Although they have been repressed for thousands of years women have found a way to change their standing and rise above to a new height, superior to the way men have interacted with each other for the same thousands of years.

Men trade their lifespans for physical strength and mask their insecurities through confrontation.  

I know this is not true in every case for each gender but it is how I have come to view things as a whole.

Beyond our social behaviors, many scientific studies have shown women to be superior on a genetic level.  The chemicals and horomones produced in their bodies grant them long-term advantages over men.  Their chromosomes are capable of evolving through recombination and continue to thrive while the Y chromosome requires mutation to force change and has forced the shut down of many genes in order to preserve itself.  The future of woman is to live on even after man has become extinct.

The sheer elegance of the curves of their bodies along with their natures that continue to balance their dreams and goals truly make them the fairer of the sexes.

I have never aspired to be a woman.  I have accepted my place at her feet.  My greatest honor is to be there helping her reach her dreams and thriving under her guidance as she protects me from my male habits.

I have felt this way since before I became a submissive and will feel this way until the day I die.

sub Drop, the male Orgasm, and Disobedience

There's something that has bothered me a lot about myself within the D/s lifestyle over the years is my tendency to fall into periods of disobedience, disinterest, and mild depression following a period of intense play/lifestyle.

For those who aren't familiar with the term "sub drop," this name is generally given to a sudden emotional downturn following some rather intense play.  This is generally blamed by the wearing off of adrenaline and endorphins and you go from feeling on top of the world to down in the gutter in a very short period of time.  While this is a fairly well-documented topic in BDSM circles, I believe the subject gets a bit more complex when it comes to male subs.

Another well-documented subject in psychology (and other sciences) is the tendency for males to grow emotionally distant and disinterested immediately following an orgasm.  This in turn leads to several days worth of "slacker" behavior and passive disobedience as it takes a while to return to subspace and become properly focused upon his Domme. 

When I am a few days removed from an orgasm (usually following an intense couple of days) I definitely find it difficult to retain proper focus.  By the time I notice it, sub drop sets in and I am filled with terrible feelings of guilt and shame.  If I have performed poorly over that span, my Dommes have been equally frustrated and disappointed in me and often unwilling to give me the type of personal care I need to pull through that downswing.  Knowing that I have disappointed her only exacerbates the pain.

I know that I am not alone in these experiences.  I've racked my brain for solutions over the years to avoid this cycle and have only come up with two.

The first solution is to simply limit the number of orgasms a male has.  I once read a Domme's website and she described it something like this:  The average male sub cannot focus for about a week after orgasm.  The average employee gets two weeks of vacation a year.  Since lifestyle submission is a full-time occupation, the number of orgasms a male sub should have per year ranges from zero to two.

While I don't doubt the wisdom in those words and my heart knows she is 100% right, my own will despises that prospect.  It's like taking a horrible tasting medicine... it's effective but unpleasant.

The second solution is to force the sub back into subspace immediately following orgasm.  There's a variety of means to make this happen, ranging from being forced to drink the cum to an immediate session of scolding and corporal punishment to forced restraint and isolation.  The downside is that I know after an orgasm the last thing I want is for things to continue with the same intensity and certain things become downright unpleasant.

When I am at my best I have requested mid-play to be denied orgasm since I didn't want the intense feelings of closeness, love, and adoration of my Mistress to go away.  It is unfortunate that I am rarely at my best. 

I wish I could come up with a third option or find the strength of will to accept the two I have come up with.

Her latest fantasy

Well, I guess it's probably good to follow-up some long-term instrospection with some more every-day topics...

Lately my Mistress has been wanting to take things a bit further.  She has been wanting to integrate pegging into our play time for a long while now.  I had resisted for a long time but in the past few months I have agreed to go along with things as long as she is gentle and works things in gradually.  She has, in turn, slowly brought some anal play into the mix and it is quite difficult to bear since it tends to bring up feelings of panic and desperation rooted in trauma from my past.  However, I have not been the sub I wanted to be when we first entered into our relationship and I feel like I owe it to her since I have made her progressively less and less happy the longer we have been together.

Over the past few months we have been slowly gathering items that will become the focal point of our play sessions when we have a few free weekends.  Her plan is to turn me into a whore.  A micro skirt, tight fitting top, go go boots, stockings & garters, heavy make-up, a cropped fur jacket, and a chastity device to top things off.  I am assuming that there will be no panties since she prefers direct access to my buttocks and no bra since it shields my nipples from her teasing.  I'm never allowed a wig since I'm never supposed to actually pass for a woman... just a sad man in drag.  I'm almost certain she will "throw me a bone" and probably add a pair of fur earmuffs and some fur-trimmed mittens and there's always the possibility of a very feminine (borderline silly) hat.  These will serve dual purpose: to increase my humiliation and to "add fur" to the equation but in a way that I will not be able to feel it nor garner any pleasure from it... at least that is how things have often worked in the past.  Either way she knows that will get me struggling inside my chastity device.

She hasn't decided yet how she wants things to play out but I know she has interest in both acting as a client, a pimp, and a cop, which basically means I might be in for a hell of a night if she chooses all three.  The one thing I can be certain of is that she plans to violate me as much as possible and she has gone over several of these fantasies while teasing me in bed.  Being a client that uses me to pleasure her and then violates me and sends me on my way.  Being a pimp that smacks me around and then violates me.  Lastly, being a cop that arrests me, beats me, and then violates me.  I'm guessing the chastity device won't come off until she has put me through the gauntlet so I'm not sure if I would prefer having all three instances happen in one night or if I'd rather have it spaced across three nights.

In any case I know that this will not be for my pleasure.  It will probably hurt and I will probably cry a lot.  While this completely terrifies me I feel like I owe it to her to prove my devotion and also to keep the train rolling down the tracks.  At the same time I'm disturbed that the thought of this turns me on.  This is definitely one of those cases where fetishes trump common sense. 

I think what scares me most is that I feel like I will be a different person when this is done and I'm not sure if that means I will have gained something or if I will have lost something precious. 

I'm sure there are subs/sissies out there that are probably envious of this position and wonder why I'm fearful but at the same time this is one of those cases where a fetish activity is being twisted into an activity that is unpleasant in certain ways.

Somtimes I'm a bit scared...

Sometimes I can't help but fear the future. When I look back over the past decade and reflect upon the experiences I've had and the choices that I've made I occasionally drift into states of fear and doubt.

I will never regret the emotionally enriching experiences I've had nor the depth of love that I have felt.  In my heart I cherish these memories and know that they will never leave me.  The love that has burned so deep inside has saved me from the cycle I had trapped myself in, unable to leave behind the pangs of youth and past emotional wounds.

So why is it that these feelings haunt me now and then?

I think I am afraid of the ways that I have changed when I know that "the now" will not be forever.  Although I take responsibility for continuing down the paths that were set out for me, I am not entirely comfortable at where I ended up.  While I've never cared if I appeared as "normal," I never quite thought things would go as far as they have.

I know it probably will not matter too much, but I'm readily aware of the stigmas I will carry if things don't end up working out.  Being a bit submissive and into some kink/bondage never bothered me that much, and actually, when it all boils down to the core, being submissive in relationships is probably one of my better traits. 

I'm still struggling with being a sissy.  It was introduced to me as shameful and humiliating, continued with me as shameful and humiliating, and thinking of myself as a sissy makes me feel ashamed and humiliated.  I don't think it would bother me as much if it wasn't so directly tied to my sexuality.  I fear that if things take a turn for the worse (and they have been rocky lately) that I will find myself in a solitary situation filled with self-loathing. 

I've always been drawn more to a fully-clothed woman in a power suit leading a business meeting than a naked woman swinging around a stripper pole.  But now that I find myself needing rather extreme means to gain arousal, it's almost more than I can accept without some regret.

Over the past couple of years I've proven how drastically inferior I really am when compared with my ideals, and even worse, lately I've come to accept that about myself.  I know that being in this state is very unattractive and that knowledge makes things even harder but at the same time I know that I have been able to pull myself up out of the muck in the past, so this would probably be no different.

If things do take a turn for the worse, I believe it would be best for myself and for everyone I know if I spent a long period of reflection and emotional healing.  Regardless of how things end up I think I need to get in touch with myself again and rediscover the things that make me happy as well as finding a way to grow up a bit and move beyond the fears that have plagued me for as long as I can remember.

Oh well, it's nice to have a blog to serve as a launching point for sorting out my feelings :)

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Dominance vs. Confidence: Unlocking Dominance in Women

While there's a fairly scarce number of Dommes out there, there's tons of submissive men who are in relationships with women who could be dominant.

In many cases, the women they are with would shy away if they were abruptly confronted with the idea of a D/s relationship.  This is due partly to taboos and partly by the fact that most men fail pretty badly when it comes to introducing the idea in a reasonable manner.  Blind-siding them with a "By the way, I want you to tie me up and beat me," usually isn't the best of ideas. 

From my experiences, the ability for a woman to feel dominant is very closely tied to her self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-image.  Most men are fairly neglectful in relationships and their behavior combined with the reinforcement from the media, etc. help contribute to many women having rather poor self-images and self-esteem (it's profitable to make women spend money on cosmetics, weight loss products, etc.).  The key to unlocking a dominant nature in a woman is to do everything possible to keep her self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-image riding at very high levels.  Giving compliments, giving gifts, reassuring your love and appreciation for her, and letting her know that her needs are of primary importance go a long way in this.  Much of this will require the male in the relationship to pay careful attention.  Did she get a haircut?  Does the outfit she wore today look flattering/hot?  Did she put a lot of effort into looking nice with her hair and makeup?  When the answer is yes, let her know that you noticed.  When she is always feeling good about herself, she is on the verge of tapping her dominant nature.

For dominance to occur she has to feel powerful.  For her to feel powerful she has to feel confident.  If you want her to act like a queen, it's up to you to make her feel like a queen.  If you want her to rule you with an iron fist, be prepared to make her feel like she is entitled to have her way all the time.  The more she gets her way, the more accustomed she will be to getting her way.  Basically, if you want her to look down upon you, it's up to you to help elevate her to that pedestal.

Start doing chores without having to be asked to do them.  Start offering to take over chores that she has been doing, citing that you want her to be as happy as possible and you think she deserves to have more leisure time to enjoy the things she likes to do.  Once you have done them a few times, start doing them automatically without being asked.  Ask her to inspect your work to make sure you are doing a good job and if you aren't, ask for instruction on how to do it correctly.  Attend to her needs.  Ask her if there's anything she needs/wants/could use.  Be ready with her slippers and favorite beverage without being asked.  Cater to her wishes in the bedroom.  If you consistently maintain this behavior it should be only a matter of weeks before her expectations for you start to change and she acclimates to the new lifestyle.  A sign that this process is happening is if she acts surprised if you forget to do something you had been doing for her.   

By this time you have basically created a D/s dynamic in your relationship minus the kink.  Beyond this point it's a bit of a slippery slope.  If your end goal is this lifestyle and some kinky bedroom play she will most likely oblige as there is a good chance her love and appreciation for you has grown over this time.  If you wish to take things further you are taking a bit of a risk, but if it's something you need to be happy, you owe it to the both of you to at least talk about it.  There are a handful of texts and websites available that outline introducing Femdom into a relationship and they may serve as some starting points to work from and there are also a few ways to go about talking about it.  I wouldn't recommend buying her a Femdom book or giving her links to websites until you have reached this point as she probably will not take you seriously enough or may be put off by it if she hasn't become accustomed to some of the characteristics of the lifestyle that it most likely will cover. 

In all cases, it is probably better for you to talk about things before introducing any kind of exposure to the kinkier fetish lifestyles.  Some of the roundabout ways to bring it up are with a phrase like "I always want you to feel like a queen and it pains me if I disappoint you, so please let me know if there's anything I can do to make you happier.  I want you to expect the best from me at all times," and gauging her responses to that.  Search for the positives in your fetishes and if you bring them up, try to present to her how they will benefit her and make her happier. 

There's no guarantee that she will take to the idea of a D/s lifestyle but you can at least put yourself into the best position possible by making her feel great and happy and that she deserves to get what she wants.

Tips on Courting a Domme Part 3

Continued from previous post.

7. Be grateful for every opportunity
It will most likely take you several attempts... if not dozens of attempts to get a Domme to give you a chance.   Always show appreciation for being given the chance to make an impression even if she turns you down.  While it will probably hurt, being thankful for having a Domme take the time to talk with your or write you back will hopefully leave a good impression.  Things may change and she may give you another chance in the future or have a friend she thinks you are perfect for.  Basically, don't be pissed off or throw a tantrum because what seems like the end might not really be the end, or worst case, doing so may get you blacklisted in the community.

8. Don't give up
By don't give up I mean, don't give up in general.  If she tells you to stay away from her or quit sending her emails, then you best stay away from her and quit contacting her.  However, always keep trying and make yourself available.  If you continually better yourself and make yourself more appealing your chances will increase over time.  It's often random chance that puts you into a position to meet a Domme that is looking for a sub like you and you should be prepared for that day.

Taking a negative "fuck this, there's no Dommes out there" attitude is very very very off-putting.  No one will pity you, and any Dommes that see you like that probably won't give you the time of day.

9. Don't be desperate
Just like in vanilla dating, women can spot a desperate guy from a mile away.  You don't have to exude an over-whelming confidence, but don't be so desperate that you'll jump at anyone/anything that comes your way.  Not only does this reflect poorly on you, but the worst thing you can do is to jump into a terrible situation and stick it out because of desperation.  It will only end up with both of you being unhappy.

10. Be open about your fetishes and fantasies yet willing to compromise
Keep in mind you probably shouldn't list off everything you would like to do/experience in a first contact.  If things go well and she takes an interest in you, there's a good chance she will ask about these.  A good "fit" is important in long-term D/s relationships.  It doesn't take long by sharing your fetishes and fantasies with one another to see if there's a chance that things could work out.  If you absolutely positively need to have pegging but she holds a great dislike for pegging, you probably shouldn't hop into a relationship together.

There will likely be certain fetishes that are less important to you.  These may pop up as a reward every now and then but being willing to accept that they won't happen increases your chances. 

The more you can articulate about your fetishes the more likely they can work into your (potential) relationship.  Like, it turns me on to be feminized and at the same time it makes me incredibly submissive, humiliated, and obedient and being feminized in public brings me great fear and agitation.  If feminization doesn't "do it" for her, she may still integrate it into the lifestyle as a punishment.  Depending upon how she feels about each of your fetishes will determine whether or not they happen at all, happen frequently, happen as a reward, or happen as a punishment.

Having both parties knowing what to expect goes a long way in terms of compatibility.

This is about all I can think of off-hand as I am a bit tired.  If I can come up with anything else I will post a part 4.

Tips on Courting a Domme Part 2

Continued from my previous post...

4. Be honest
Again, this is something I shouldn't have to say but being realistic, It should be reiterated.  Be absolutely honest at all times.  If you are unsure or haven't thought about something, say so.  If there are things that you absolutely positively will never do (aka hard limits), be forthcoming about them if asked.  Even the slightest fib or white lie will come back to haunt you in the long run if things actually work out.  Dodging questions with passive aggressive answers in order to hide your true feelings and be more "appealing" also won't fly well. 

Always assume that the Domme finds the process of weeding through potential subs to be tedious and unpleasant.  The least you can do is be honest with her, especially if she takes the time to contact you or reply to your contact.

5. Be flexible
Have an eagerness to learn and a willingness to try new things or even change yourself if needed.  The D/s dynamic relies heavily upon compromise on the sub's part.  It's good to have hard limits, but try to be open minded and keep it to a minimum.  Most hard limits you might have will probably also be hard limits for a Domme.  Things like scat play, beastiality, amputation, castration, involving minors, etc. are more commonly submissive male fetishes than they are Domme fetishes.  You should have a list of hard limits, it's the honest way to be, and if your hard limits include things that are considered taboo/extreme even by BDSM standards, it's often a sign that your head is screwed on correctly.

It is okay to have a long list of soft limits that make you uncomfortable but you are willing to consider them if they are done on consensual terms.  If you lack real life experience this might be a pretty big list, but keeping yourself open to experimenting will make you more appealing than a sub who is rigid and inflexible about many things.

Keep in mind that you aren't choosing her, it's up to whether or not she chooses you.  If you are willing to completely restructure your life in order to march to the beat of her drum, more power to you (although it might come off as BS if you were to state that openly).  The phrase "I don't know, but I'm willing to try," can go a long ways in making a good impression.

Aside from limits, the faster you are at learning and adapting, the better suited you will be towards a D/s relationship.  This leads us to the next tip...

6. Separate yourself from the pack
Since it is up to her to choose you how do you get her to notice you?

The key here is to have or learn skills that will be useful and appealing.  Many many subs will claim loyalty, devotion, obedience, etc. so unless you are extraordinarily wealthy, think about the things that she could want or need in addition to those things and aspire to become someone who can fulfill those desires.  Your area probably has tons of adult education classes where you can develop new, useful skills.

A list of examples of things that can be learned with practice:
-Be proficient at cleaning.
-Be proficient at landscaping/yard work/gardening.
-Be proficient at laundry (including delicates, wools, etc.) and ironing.
-Know how to do at least simple household repairs.
-Be a good cook and capable of learning/perfecting her favorite dishes.
-Learn to give a good massage or even better, multiple types of massage (theraputic, relaxing, etc.).
-Learn to give a quality manicure/pedicure.
-Learn to tailor/sew/knit/etc.
-Learn to paint/draw/write.

A list of examples that take a bit more training but are definite pluses if you can do them:
-Auto repair.
-Metal working.
-Electrical Work.

To be continued...

Tips on Courting a Domme Part 1

Over the years I've had my fair share of good luck when it comes to successfully courting Dommes and I've given out quite a bit of advice to subs looking to court Dommes.  I consider myself to be average to below average when it comes to my looks and physical attractiveness, job quality, etc. so I must have done something right in making a good impression.

Now that I have a blog I figured I would post my advice in full.  I covered several of these a little over a week ago but I figure they could easily have their own post.

1. Be courteous, respectful, and have good manners.
This should probably go without saying but one of the biggest turn-offs many Dommes have are subs who fail to meet these basic requirements.  This is the most important thing in making a good first impression.  If you are contacting them through an adult dating site, make sure you read her entire profile first and adhere to any requirements she might have.  Write out a well-thought message (complete with spell check) that indicates what you find interesting about her (aside from her looks and your fantasy) and what you have to offer.  Do not send a picture of your penis unless she specifically requests it.  It doesn't take a lot of effort to be a perfect gentleman. 

Most Dommes on adult dating sites receive 20-300 messages per day from potential subs, 90% of which are disrespectful, thoughtless, or downright crude.  If you are approaching a Domme in public (at a munch, play party etc.) you have to be twice as well-behaved since there is only a limited chance that she is actually looking for a sub.  If she says no, be courteous and get out of her face.  If you don't, you can basically assume you will be blacklisted within that community.  

2. Be a real person.
No one is "just a sub" all the time.  No Domme is "just a Domme" all the time.  Even if both of you are seeking a 24-7 lifestyle relationship, you have to come off as more than just a live in servant  (unless that is specifically what she is looking for).  Have interests.  Have feelings.  Have dreams.  Have goals.  Have a personality.  Have a sense of humor.  Just like in vanilla relationships, all of these things will be important if you want to be an appealing life partner. 

If you are as interesting as a box of hair, expect to be discarded as easily as a box of hair.  She won't want to be burdened by having to keep you occupied and entertained all day every day.  That is higher maintenance than being needy. 

What are your favorite movies?  Books?  Music?  Hobbies?  Sports?

If you can pique her interest as a person, you are much more likely to succeed in winning her over.  If you are smart, funny, and caring it will go a long ways. 

3. Have a philosophy and a good grasp of yourself.
It's easy to think about the sub you want to be.  Hell, most subs have probably fantasized about Femdom situations for years before they act upon them.  If you haven't thought about it, think about it.  If you have thought about it, refine it a little more.

Step One:  Define your idealized form of submission.
If she is the right match for you, your ideal and her ideal will likely coincide.  This is not about what kind of play you enjoy or what kind of kinky fantasies you wish to have.  Dommes an advantage since they can have rather meticulous expectations for a sub.  Think about what types of characteristics and responsibilities those entail.  Should a sub perform all of the household chores and domestic duties?  Should a sub have any expectations of rewards or pleasures?  Should a sub expect to be treated as a lover?

There is no right or wrong (although some of them should be obvious), but more a matter of preference.  If your view of being a sub involves few responsibilities, you will probably be looking for a less strict Domme or a switch.  If your view of being a sub involves extensive micro-management, that will be targeted towards a particular type of Domme.  Some Dommes want a sub that is their lover, others may want a strict code of Mistress/servant formality.  D/s relationships that work out generally will have idealized ideas of submission that share similar traits.

Step Two:  Realistically evaluate yourself in regards to your ideal.
Unless you want to be accused of a bait & switch, you should probably have an honest evaluation of how close you are to your own ideal.  If you believe you should be doing all the housework but don't know how to clean an oven, you should probably note that (e.g. "I will need training before I can perform at an acceptable level").  If where you stand now is light years away from your ideal, I would recommend doing a lot of self-improvement work to get closer because unless you're just an amazing guy with incredible magnetism, being too far removed will hurt your chances.

To be continued...

Submission and Depression

I have come across many subs over the years (both male and female) that struggle with depression, myself included.  I'm not going to debate if the root of this is purely chemical, based upon life experiences, or the combination of both, but it makes me wonder a bit about what factors tend to contribute towards someone being submissive.  It sometimes seems that many of the factors that lead to depression may also contribute towards submission.  However, I have met a good number of subs that don't experience any type of depression, so I could be way off base.

I do think for subs who do struggle with depression it can be a tough cycle to break out of, especially if you also strive to be an excellent submissive to your Dominant.

While in a perfect world, all of us could leave our baggage at the door when we enter into a D/s lifestyle relationship.  Unfortunately, this isn't really the case as our baggage usually helps shape who we are and it's not something that is easy to escape from.  If/when depression raises its ugly head, it can be incredibly difficult for a sub to remain on task and be as focused as they want to be.  It can be even more difficult if this happens due to factors that cause a sharp decline in the amount of quality time they are able to spend together. 

From my experiences, I've found it very difficult to "keep it together" when my depression flares up.  Feelings of self-pity or self-loathing can consume my better intentions leading to failure in anticipating my Mistress' needs.  When this happens and she becomes displeased it often results in me sinking deeper into the depression and causing more difficulties as it goes on.  If this causes her to isolate me or push me away, its effects are even stronger.

In a couple of my previous relationships I have had Mistresses that have been incredibly strict and wished to keep me in a high strung and borderline fearful state.  This was especially difficult during times when my depression was flaring up since it seemed to cause a cycle of negative thoughts running through me at all times: frustration at myself for failing to adequately meet her needs, loss of pride in my submission, etc.

I have found a few ways that seem to help "snap me out" of the depression that may work for others.  I hate to think of myself as overly needy but I think everyone has times where they need reassurance that they are loved, cared for, and appreciated. 

One method that has worked for me in the past is a two-stage process.  The first step is to have an intense punishment session.  During this session I am scolded errors and flaws are pointed out to me while I am physically punished for my mistakes and transgressions.  Near the end of this session (or during the aftercare) I am reassured that I am cared for and that she values me highly enough to continue my training and ensure that I will be able to meet her needs and take (something that resembles) pride in being a good sub.  The scolding helps bring the guilt to the surface while the punishment helps to purge the guilt.  Once the punishment has been served, the slate is wiped clean.

The second step involves an increased level of strictness towards my performance but with an increased level of compassion towards me.  Mistakes are pointed out immediately (to be punished all at once at a later time) and then I'm given the chance to try again until I get it right and a reminder that I should be improving every day.  This keeps me focused on her needs while keeping me free from the failure cycle I had written about earlier.

If life is preventing us from being this openly D/s in our day to day living, a couple of days of a more vanilla-feeling relationship can usually do the trick.  While I will still have my responsibilities as a sub, some quality time will be spent together in more of a snuggly way. 

I realize after writing all of this that it's likely that I probably come off as rather pathetic and sad, but I hope that it doesn't.  Realistically, I tend to battle depression for about 6 weeks each year, usually in 2-3 week stretches at a time.  However, those 6 weeks are often the most difficult times for both my Mistress and I so I figure it was worth writing about and trying to figure it out.
Has anyone else out there gone through troubles with this?