Disclaimer: I'm not in a bad mood. I'm in a pretty good mood. The past couple of weeks blogging I have felt more accepted than I ever have over these 7 and a half years. These are just some thoughts swirling around in regards to comments on earlier posts.
Sometimes I feel like a bit of a hypocrite. It is part of a coping mechanism. If people try to build me up with words that conflict with my view of how things are, I will appreciate that they think well of me but I am stubborn and retain my point of view. The reason is more pragmatic than based on desire. I would love to feel good about myself. Unfortunately, feeling good about myself doesn't remove the hurdles, obstacles, and struggles that inherently exist due to my role and status.
If I feel good and confident, rejection hurts a lot more. I try to put together a more realistic tone that allows me to express myself as much as I can while still protecting myself. As a minority, I shouldn't show up at a KKK rally because the world is more tolerant than it was 100 years ago. It is better to predict that such an experience probably won't go so well and steer clear of it.
Thus, I don't anticipate the community at large will accept me. I can draw from my past experiences, the words of others, and what I see and have seen to anticipate the probable scenarios, brace for them, and hope for the best while protecting myself from the worst. Thus, if I think highly of myself, deem myself desirable, or believe that my kinks/fetishes are not shameful, I open myself up to be crushed... badly.
This contrasts greatly when I am talking with others, or at least with women. It's not that I'm against interacting with men, they just rarely share themselves in a position where I can advise them on anything and even when they approach me directly, it doesn't usually go very well. With women, it is a lot easier to build them up while staying consistent with realism because nothing involves conditions, nothing involves "in my personal opinion" as a prefix, and it doesn't involve any dishonest statements. I can state truths forcefully and in an absolute tone.
With women, regardless of role, a common hangup is accepting that they are different and kinky. This is easy. I think that women that embrace kink and alternative lifestyles are awesome. It shows courage to admit to desires. It shows originality through a willingness to explore ideas that fall outside of societal norms. It takes strength and dedication to learn about and pursue those desires. These aren't lies. I'm not blowing smoke. These aren't one man's opinion.
Popular opinion agrees. A kinky woman is sexy and adventurous (would you prefer a prude?). It's attractive. The sex will be glorious and explosive. A kinky woman is alluring and men wish they were with one. She should feel no shame and be proud and confident about her kinks. It's hot.
All of this is true, isn't it?
Dommes have a leg up even, because they have the right to feel absolute entitlement. Anything she wants is possible. Nothing she asks for is too much. Supply and demand says so. I have known Dommes who don't want to feel special just because they are rare. There are of course other reasons, but rare is precious and precious is valuable. You are a diamond. You are gold. You are that which is desired. If this was meaningless and easy, millions of women would be going dominant just to have the power, the status, and its benefits. Since they do not, you are, rare, precious, valuable, and special.
Any shape and size. Any body type. Any height, weight, or color. You name it and there is demand for it. Thousands of men will line up for it. Have an ugly scar? There will be a line of men who absolutely adore you and your scar. A BBW? There will be a line of men who absolutely adore you and your body. Very short or tall? Thousands will be there for both. Have a third leg? MILLIONS will be there wanting to worship it.
If there is one upside about F/m dating, it is that if a woman has an insecurity about something, there will be a thousand men lined up and believing she is absolutely perfect because of it. This is truth.
It doesn't matter what your kinks are. It doesn't matter if they are normal, extreme, or out there. There are always a thousand men who will LOVE what you are into. The more extreme and more out there, the more they will love you for it and the luckier they will feel.
Basically, you will always be perfect. There will always be a cadre of subs that believe you are perfect. This gives you absolute freedom to be who you are, like what you like, and demand whatever you see fit. This is the power of the precious. You choose. You can make them jump through hoops to prove themselves. You set the bar wherever you want it. The worthy will pass and the unworthy will fail. You are perfect exactly as you are. This is truth.
I guess I'm not really a hypocrite as these views are all based upon the same principles of realistic views of how popular opinion perceives us.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Thoughts on scape-goating, hierarchies, and relativism
One of the more horrific historical trends since the beginning of written history are the trends of the way that power oppresses those without it, that people like to place responsibility (or fault) upon groups that can be oppressed, and the ability of any group to be able to look down upon and be glad that they aren't in a lower and less desirable group. Genocide. Slavery. Caste systems. Institutionalized control. It almost feels like history has shown us that this is mankind's default behavior.
Thankfully, many of those acts are now looked down upon by popular opinion. While they still exist in the world, in first world nations, the acceptable versions become more covert, occasionally exposing themselves on a systematic level.
While there are a number of courageous and free-spirited individuals that don't mind announcing their sexual differences from the rooftops, for most of us, the kinky side of our lives remains a very private affair. The fact that we feel the need to hide it from the world at large is due to the fear of ridicule and potentially life-ruining effects due to the popular opinion that exercising D/s makes you a sexual deviant. In today's day and age, where information travels at the speed of a click, everything leaves an electronic paper trail, and states are passing (or attempting to pass) laws that allow for discrimination based upon religion and sexual orientation, this is terrifying.
So... people bunker down. They circle the wagons with the like-minded... and look for ways to separate themselves in a morally superior way from the "real deviants." "At least I'm not into ___________."
Shit always rolls downhill. This trend continues in kink communities. At the bottom you find a collection of individuals with fetishes that exceed most people's hard limits, individuals with fetishes that are illegal, submissive men with strong fetishes that do not benefit a Domme, cuckolds, and heterosexual non-passable feminized males.
As a heterosexual non-passable feminized-to-humiliate-and-control submissive male, I am he who is a poster child for "at least I'm not you."
I can tell from the comments of friends of mine in the community that they do not like that I see myself this way. They wish that I could see myself in a better light. Unfortunately, history is not kind to those who violate the established order as a lone individual. I should know my place. I should accept my place. I should never dream of rising above my station. Popular opinion accepts my existence. Your kink is not my kink, there is no one right way, and I'm open-minded are the voice of popular opinion. Unfortunately, it is often within the same mind where, "at least I'm not into that," is also part of the mostly unspoken popular opinion.
For the most part, I accept my station. If someone wants to bully me, tease me, or even make scathing and/or cruel remarks, they are not wrong to do so. I'm pretty certain whatever they say will be true. If someone simply speaks the truth, is that really bullying, teasing, or being cruel? In most cases I have no grounds to argue with them.
I'm not so spineless as to just sit back and accept everything. I will rally against popular opinion when I feel it is in the wrong. I will educate and discuss it in a rational way. I will provide evidence for what I say.
This doesn't change my station. I accept that I reside at the bottom.
Thoughts on Popular Opinion
A handful of my recent posts were heavily rooted in Popular Opinion. While I was about to start another post on a different subject, I realized that there isn't much discussion about Popular Opinion in kink. You will find lots of rants about it, but rarely is it just talked about.
I think there are a lot of misconceptions about Popular Opinion and its affects on the community at large. It works best to give it a definition. If I define Popular Opinion, I would say that it is a generalized summary belief on a topic that has grown widespread enough to generate stereotypes and sweeping generalizations that are believed as truth.
The source of Popular Opinion can be based upon factual evidence or pulled out of someone's ass enough times that people perceive it to be true. It can be changed, but this change either happens very slowly (e.g. civil and women's rights movements), or very rapidly when instigated in the presence of devastating or catastrophic events (e.g. post-9/11 fear and hate-mongering). Slow change is often righteous and morally sound. Rapid change tends to follow knee-jerk reactions mob mentality (even if the change is a good one). The most important part is that once Popular Opinion has been established, it is hard as hell to change it on a widespread level.
Not all Popular Opinion is bad. The Popular Opinion that human rights are good is an easy example, especially when you consider that equal human rights didn't become Popular Opinion in first world nations until 1970 or later. Separate but equal. The glass ceiling. The old boys network. Those were the Popular Opinion that directly preceded it, and even its current form is far from perfect.
Popular Opinion is often perceived to be based upon fact, truth, and evidence, when that has nothing to do with it. It merely reflects which voices are allowed to be heard and spread. The Earth is flat. The Earth is the center of the universe. Rough seas are because Poseidon is angry. Thankfully, history provides us evidence that Popular Opinion is never set in stone. In 1992 the Catholic Church reinstated Galileo's excommunication in 1633 for claiming that the Earth went around the sun. Go Team!
One of the problems is that the people who are most entrenched and rigid in their agreement with Popular Opinion is that they frequently will not listen to reason, explanation, or evidence to the contrary. They are fixed in their belief and do not want to change. A danger of this is that it teaches newcomers Popular Opinion as truth. While many of these people will eventually change their views, the baseline isn't always a pretty one to use as a starting point.
A few popular opinions in kink-land that you may have heard:
If it sometimes seems like I'm going out of my way to prove an aspect of myself... it is because I am in fact going out of my way to prove an aspect of myself... that is being crushed by the weight of Popular Opinion.
I think there are a lot of misconceptions about Popular Opinion and its affects on the community at large. It works best to give it a definition. If I define Popular Opinion, I would say that it is a generalized summary belief on a topic that has grown widespread enough to generate stereotypes and sweeping generalizations that are believed as truth.
The source of Popular Opinion can be based upon factual evidence or pulled out of someone's ass enough times that people perceive it to be true. It can be changed, but this change either happens very slowly (e.g. civil and women's rights movements), or very rapidly when instigated in the presence of devastating or catastrophic events (e.g. post-9/11 fear and hate-mongering). Slow change is often righteous and morally sound. Rapid change tends to follow knee-jerk reactions mob mentality (even if the change is a good one). The most important part is that once Popular Opinion has been established, it is hard as hell to change it on a widespread level.
Not all Popular Opinion is bad. The Popular Opinion that human rights are good is an easy example, especially when you consider that equal human rights didn't become Popular Opinion in first world nations until 1970 or later. Separate but equal. The glass ceiling. The old boys network. Those were the Popular Opinion that directly preceded it, and even its current form is far from perfect.
Popular Opinion is often perceived to be based upon fact, truth, and evidence, when that has nothing to do with it. It merely reflects which voices are allowed to be heard and spread. The Earth is flat. The Earth is the center of the universe. Rough seas are because Poseidon is angry. Thankfully, history provides us evidence that Popular Opinion is never set in stone. In 1992 the Catholic Church reinstated Galileo's excommunication in 1633 for claiming that the Earth went around the sun. Go Team!
One of the problems is that the people who are most entrenched and rigid in their agreement with Popular Opinion is that they frequently will not listen to reason, explanation, or evidence to the contrary. They are fixed in their belief and do not want to change. A danger of this is that it teaches newcomers Popular Opinion as truth. While many of these people will eventually change their views, the baseline isn't always a pretty one to use as a starting point.
A few popular opinions in kink-land that you may have heard:
- D/s is all about the sub. There are cases where this can be true, but to say this is all cases is a pretty narrow view of, you know... dominants that LIKE being dominant.
- All humiliation is abuse. Again, some humiliation is abuse, some is definitely not.
- All subs are masochists.
- All sadists are uncaring monsters.
- All sissies are homosexual.
- All women are submissive.
- Submissive men aren't "real men."
If it sometimes seems like I'm going out of my way to prove an aspect of myself... it is because I am in fact going out of my way to prove an aspect of myself... that is being crushed by the weight of Popular Opinion.
Thoughts on Forced Feminization
There are a large variety of reasons that people engage in forced feminization and sissification. I do not plan to write about them all in this post. These are how it has pertained to me in the course of my D/s relationships and life.
A specific form of forced feminization has been the strongest control dynamic imaginable in my relationships. It is not meant to be pleasurable. I am not supposed to appear more feminine or pretty. I am not supposed to behave in a feminine manner.
Forced feminization has been a means of control. It is meant to make me ultimately pliable, obedient, and docile. It is meant to fill me with shame and humiliation. It is there to fill me with dread at the thought of being seen by anyone else but her. It is the boogieman waiting in the shadows, ready bring me to tears at a moment's notice.
Forced feminization breaks me. It breaks my spirit. It breaks my will. It squashes any form of resistance left in me. I feel awful. I feel grotesque. It keeps me in a state without dignity or confidence.
When I am feminized I am terrified. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. I want to run and hide but I don't dare disobey, because it can always get worse. When she teases me it turns me on and I become absolutely certain that no one else in the world would ever want me... except for her. She becomes my beacon... my lifeline... and the only one that I feel safe with.
"I like you this way."
Those words fill me with anguish because it will not stop. The feelings and panic swirl around and confuse my conflicted mind.
"I like you this way and I'll keep you this way forever."
This calms the storm in my heart and fills it with love. She will keep me forever. Knowing that, I don't care what she does to me. She will keep me forever.
A specific form of forced feminization has been the strongest control dynamic imaginable in my relationships. It is not meant to be pleasurable. I am not supposed to appear more feminine or pretty. I am not supposed to behave in a feminine manner.
Forced feminization has been a means of control. It is meant to make me ultimately pliable, obedient, and docile. It is meant to fill me with shame and humiliation. It is there to fill me with dread at the thought of being seen by anyone else but her. It is the boogieman waiting in the shadows, ready bring me to tears at a moment's notice.
Forced feminization breaks me. It breaks my spirit. It breaks my will. It squashes any form of resistance left in me. I feel awful. I feel grotesque. It keeps me in a state without dignity or confidence.
When I am feminized I am terrified. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. I want to run and hide but I don't dare disobey, because it can always get worse. When she teases me it turns me on and I become absolutely certain that no one else in the world would ever want me... except for her. She becomes my beacon... my lifeline... and the only one that I feel safe with.
"I like you this way."
Those words fill me with anguish because it will not stop. The feelings and panic swirl around and confuse my conflicted mind.
"I like you this way and I'll keep you this way forever."
This calms the storm in my heart and fills it with love. She will keep me forever. Knowing that, I don't care what she does to me. She will keep me forever.
In Hindsight
I really don't think I will ever let things slide like I did this past week. It was a lot more work to try and catch things up than it is to just post them in both spots when I write them.
I have been writing a LOT lately. A lot of those posts have been inspired by comments from readers on WP. Receiving 10, 20, or 30 comments on a post with a long series of back and forth discussion is incredibly motivating. I haven't experienced that before. A lot of the posts were responses to questions or drawn from topics that were mentioned in said comments. I did leave out 3-4 posts still, but this is the bulk of them.
I sort of feel like deciding to go with a non-pink blog and separating the forced feminization aspects did open me up to another demographic of readers that I would not have had otherwise.
I have been writing a LOT lately. A lot of those posts have been inspired by comments from readers on WP. Receiving 10, 20, or 30 comments on a post with a long series of back and forth discussion is incredibly motivating. I haven't experienced that before. A lot of the posts were responses to questions or drawn from topics that were mentioned in said comments. I did leave out 3-4 posts still, but this is the bulk of them.
I sort of feel like deciding to go with a non-pink blog and separating the forced feminization aspects did open me up to another demographic of readers that I would not have had otherwise.
Submissive words of my heart
I feel my layers melt away. I am exposed. You see me to my core.
You know where to attach the strings and pull them. I can hide
nothing. I would hide nothing. You are my everything.
I ache and long for your approval. My body quivers under your touch. You bring out the best version of me. I want to be perfect for you. I want to be perfect to you. I want to be perfect with you. I give you my all knowing that I will never truly deserve you. I offer all of myself as a symbol of my love and devotion. I trust that you will shape me into a form you wish to keep.
I will be what you need me to be. I will be what you want me to be. I will be what you push me to be. I will do whatever it takes. You can treat this as a promise and hold me to my words and ideals.
You are beautiful. You are precious. You are my everything. Take me. Teach me. Guide me. Protect me. The fire in my heart burns for you. I want to be your everything.
I ache and long for your approval. My body quivers under your touch. You bring out the best version of me. I want to be perfect for you. I want to be perfect to you. I want to be perfect with you. I give you my all knowing that I will never truly deserve you. I offer all of myself as a symbol of my love and devotion. I trust that you will shape me into a form you wish to keep.
I will be what you need me to be. I will be what you want me to be. I will be what you push me to be. I will do whatever it takes. You can treat this as a promise and hold me to my words and ideals.
You are beautiful. You are precious. You are my everything. Take me. Teach me. Guide me. Protect me. The fire in my heart burns for you. I want to be your everything.
Self-Maintenance through self-induced submissive mental space
Triggers range widely from person to person and are not always pleasant in nature. The root of a trigger is often symbolic. Trauma often leads to the strongest impression to make triggers effective. I often find the key to triggers are that they open up our deep sense of vulnerability. Life has a tendency to make us guarded and habitually protective of the deeper and more tender parts of our nature. Applying a trigger allows us to force that vulnerability to the surface and allows us to access the submissive state that can feel so precious when we need it.
I have been doing self-maintenance for several years now and find it to be “enough of a fix” to keep from going crazy. Being able to relax for a few minutes and enter a bit of a trance fantasy state while you have your triggers present (or can fantasize about a scenario involving them) you may find yourself able to slip into the mental space that feels like it would if it were to be actually happening. It likely won’t be quite as good as the real thing, but it’s often better than nothing.
I did this yesterday during a series of posts and noticed that my tone changed significantly as well as my feelings while writing. I went from feeling a bit confrontational to sensitive and genuinely introspective, able to delve into the root of the feelings that were giving me agitation. I would share my triggers that I’m, but I’m a bit too embarrassed about it right now and not feeling nearly submissive enough to put it out there.
If you haven’t been aware of this technique and find yourself struggling with the ache, hopefully this idea might be of some help.
I carry a double-standard
As the embarrassment subsided, I randomly started wondering why it is that I am okay with being teased by women but if a man did the same thing I will likely immediately flip to alpha mode. I definitely hold a double standard about what I accept in regards to how people can act towards me.
I think a lot of it has to do with my past. As a four-sport athlete for most of my life, I was constantly immersed in a world of toxic masculinity. That world has some simple rules. Respect strength. Go with the flow. If you are not the alpha, stay in line or you’ll be sorry. Value the stability of the herd.
Fuck the herd. Seriously. Fuck the herd.
I was surrounded by this shit twelve months a year. Baseball, Basketball, Football, Soccer. I was surrounded by this. I couldn’t quit. I couldn’t even consider it out loud. I was good at it. I hated it. Watch them bully a kid, beat him up, and call him a faggot because he isn’t good at sports. Watch them treat people like shit who aren’t strong or fast. Watch them talk about what girls will suck dick on their first date. I got tired of watching. I committed social suicide.
I dared to oppose the herd. I defended the weak. I stood up to the alpha, knowing he was an idiot and that he would actually balk when confronted. I turned myself into the target. I was around them twelve months a year. The other kids grew faster than I did. I got chubby. Their size made them relatively better at sports while I stayed the same. I was the target. My best friend abandoned me in favor of social mobility among the ranks. I got used to fighting back, but it wore me down.
I never understood the resentment that came my way for believing in right and wrong. As much as my exterior didn’t show it, I never stopped caring for people. I couldn’t stand to see someone be beaten down when there was something I could do to stop it. I grew to be defensive. I learned to be aggressive. I bared fangs and claws. These were necessary. Fuck the herd.
My father was no better. Don’t be a pussy. Don’t be a quitter. Boys don’t cry. What are you, a girl?
I find it nearly impossible to trust men. I have a couple of male friends but it took a long time for closeness to develop and they all experienced similar things to me in the past. I tend to be a magnet for those who said, “fuck the herd,” and I still find myself a target for those who obey man-laws. I still carry sharp fangs and claws.
Why then would I permit women to treat me in such a way that if it was done by a man, I would pummel them? I’ve been thinking about that for a while now. Years, actually, and I have been revisiting it for the past couple of hours. Part of it is the inherent gentleness and emotional attunement that women seem to exhibit. I could probably wax eloquently about the beauty of that all, but given the tone so far of my post, it would probably feel pretentious, so I will leave it at that. I’m guessing you know what I’m talking about.
The other part is that I feel like when I am teased by women it is that they really see me and they tease, accept, or reject who I really am. By contrast, I’ve always felt like the herd judges me for who I am not. I don’t bow to the herd. I don’t prove that I am as big of a douche as the person standing next to me. I don’t kiss and tell. I don’t say things like, “bros before hoes.” I won’t lie for a man to cover up his indiscretions. I violate every man-law in the book. I will never let them see the real me.
With women, I do allow them to see the real me. Their behavior towards me is based upon the real me. Even if they end up rejecting me, it is for their own reasons and based upon actual evidence. If they tease me, it feels okay, because the aspects that they tease me about are real, embarrassing, and often shameful. Should I fault someone for being truthful and honest? Of course not.
This is my double-standard.
Thoughts on self and littles
I discovered last year that this is a twisted version of a little space. This was the feelings of my childhood. Neither parent gave me much attention unless I achieved the expected level of excellence, and my mother did not protect me from my father, she delivered me to him. Neither protected me from the world… I was delivered to it as well.
From the littles I have known, little space is supposed to be a happy and peaceful place of comfort. My space doesn’t feel like this. It feels like a place where pain is to be expected. Perfection is to be expected. I cannot control if I will receive punishment or reward… but too often the reward is “not being punished.” This is my trauma state.
If I try to think back to a blissfully ignorant existence, there wasn’t much of it that I can remember. Things turned sour when I started pre-school at age 2 and just got worse from there. People made fun of my skin color. They made fun of my Asian features. They made fun of my uncut genitals. They made fun of the fact that I was a “fake” kid with “fake” parents. The events involving hand-me-downs and fur from my humility posts followed alongside them. I was 4 when I remember thinking that I hated myself and wanted to die. I wanted someone to save me and protect me. My parents didn’t want a child that was weak. Those times don’t sound like a little space.
Through hard work and natural coordination, I quickly rose to prominence in sports and academics. For a while, I was the top athlete in my grade. This earned me some praise, but I was scared of losing it more than I enjoyed it. Something happened then as I was starting to get older. My body began to change, but not in a good way. I was always small for my age but then I got thicker and wider before I got taller. Pretty soon I was short and fat. My mother and sister served as constant reminders of this… and that people would judge me and treat me badly because of it. It started with them.
I entered Middle School as a 4’1″ chubby kid. My father didn’t care because I was still a top athlete. But then I bloomed late. Everyone else grew faster than I did. Height began to matter. These years were severely awkward for me as my body continued to get thicker faster than I was getting taller. I felt grotesque and people treated me that way. I had become a cold and mean person on the outside. I managed to grow 17″ in 3 years and finally my body started to catch up in height and muscle development. This doesn’t sound like it would be part of a little space either.
Over the course of that process I was a mess. I went from being a happy and outgoing child when I was very young, to a bitter and sarcastic prick. My savior was M. She was so pretty. She was popular. While she was only two years older, she hit puberty early and towered over me for most of our time together. M would protect me. She would shield me. She was my caregiver. In exchange, I just had to do exactly what she said and accept that she would bind and imprison me, overpowering me if I resisted. This is where I learned to crave the feeling of utter defeat.
While I would see M several times a month, that left a lot of time by myself. What she was doing to me began to bleed over into my play time. It wasn’t long before I began to act out scenes with my action figures. This one is M. This one is me. I would make her character overpower mine, tie him up, and lead him around on a leash to his new life as her prisoner. This embarrassed me greatly. I kept it to myself. I secretly looked forward to her next visit. Deep down, it became increasingly clear that I was a freak. This went on for about five years. When I hit puberty she was my ultimate and only masturbation fantasy. I was so ashamed. Does this sound closer to little space? I don’t know.
As playing with toys is often part of that… if I was playing with them like I used to, I would be completely humiliated and mortified. I wouldn’t want anyone to see me. I wouldn’t want anyone to know the true me. Instead I would rather be utterly defeated, restrained, and forced to submit to her will. Does this sound like little space? Or is it just my submissive mental space?
It seems like this is one of those cases where things got so twisted up that it became a perversion of itself. I struggle so badly to perceive myself outside of my own frame of reference and experiences that I have no idea how to answer the original question.
If anyone has any ideas, I’m open to hearing them.
Thoughts on the existence of the Dominant Female
Dominant women face their own set of challenges in this world of kink. While many of them tend to be in leadership roles in local BDSM groups, there is often a mixed response to them from the male dominants. It seems a portion of the dominants respect them as equals and share a sense of camaraderie about being in a similar role with similar responsibilities. There is another portion of male dominants that tend to be… less receptive to the idea. From an outsider’s perspective it looks like they are threatened, but exude a “a woman should know her place” attitude.
There tend to be enough of that second kind to give a weird sort of vibe but thankfully, the first type tend to be more visible and help to balance things off. One observation is that submissive women tend to treat dominant women with respect towards their role. However, submissive women tend to not relate to dominant women. It’s like… I respect you, I like you, but we are different. While this has always struck me as a bit odd, I consider it a better level of existence than being seen as less than a person.
One of the other dangers of the “women are weak” mentality is that there are very few submissive women that are encouraged to explore their dominant side. It’s like this great taboo that is not meant to be talked about or even thought about.
Most women switches that I know tend to lean VERY sub heavy and when they do switch dominant, it is either a) as a service top to their dominant lover who occasionally enjoys bottoming or b) only dominant to other women.
Basically, there’s very little support to encourage women to even envision themselves in a dominant role. From my experiences, there are women who are submissive through their sexuality to their core. I have also met women that are kinky and assume themselves to be submissive (because that’s the way it is). With this type, some discover they are either a dominant or a switch much later on. In these cases, they hadn’t even considered the idea of dominance. Something interesting about this type is that they are often mirrors of what enjoy in both roles. e.g. if they like(d) being spanked while in the sub/bottom role, they like spanking while in the dominant/top role. Confidence and self-esteem are often the missing catalyst for the formation of dominance.
With all of this in mind, I believe that most of the dominant women practicing lifestyle D/s out there knew they were dominant for a very long time. I just have to wonder if the number of dominant women would be much greater if a woman that was kink-curious wasn’t immediately assumed to be submissive and led down that path.
I know a good number of submissive women that have given up on submission because they could never find a dominant partner they could trust enough. It’s odd to me that so many of them leave the lifestyle completely rather than consider being the one who needs to be trusted. I have seen quite a few men become dominants because they liked kink and couldn’t find a dominant woman. The shortage seems to continue as time goes on even while the number of people entering into the kink lifestyle keeps on growing.
All in all, I feel like dominant women are amazing and I am happy that they exist at all
Thoughts on the existence of the submissive male
Originally Written: 10/18/17
I’ve been feeling a little bit unnerved the past few days and I had trouble putting my finger on the reason. After analyzing the feelings that accompanied my past few posts and an observation made by a friend, it finally dawned on me and clarity came rushing in.
You will find quite a bit of writing about submissive men being marginalized, trivialized, and ridiculed within the BDSM community. There is this perception that submissive men are some form of monstrous aberration as their existence bucks the conventional trends of the past several thousand years. A man who isn’t strong? You are not a real man. You are less than a person. You are a bother to their existence.
This disturbs me on two levels. One is that this perspective is common from both dominant men and submissive women. I can understand the prejudice from dominant men, but it is a bit more worrisome when it comes from submissive women. Rather than forming a connection, for many they see you as the same kind of violation of the natural order: men are strong, women are weak.
This is destructive on several levels. It doesn’t feel good to have your existence denied. It instills doubt and fear, and saps away courage as you try to be brave enough to show yourself in an environment that is supposed to be open-minded. My experiences over the years with this have been numerous. I feel like it almost gives me the empathy to relate to someone that is gay and the challenges that they face in the outside world. Two seconds later I realize that is an arrogant line of thinking since people who are openly gay are a lot braver than I am. I struggle to announce myself as a submissive male in kink-friendly environments and would never dream of doing so in the vanilla world for all to see. It gives me a load of respect for them.
The other destructive aspect is that it steals from the idea that submissives are strong. It takes a whole lot of strength to dedicate yourself to being someone’s pillar. Last I checked, pillars are built to be strong. Burying one’s own desires in order to instill happiness in someone else takes courage. Actualizing ones own desires to be that of instilling happiness of another is a state of mind that the meek cannot begin to reach. Submission is not weak. Submission is not about freeing ourselves from responsibility, judgment, forethought, restraint, and self-control. It is quite the opposite. Submission is about taking ultimate responsibility, exercising ultimate judgment, restraint, and self-control. This takes a lot of strength indeed.
I want to shout this from the rooftops. I want to wave it on a banner. But then I remember. I’m a submissive male. I’m not a real man. I can be looked down upon by a submissive woman. I am the lowest creature on the totem pole and a pitiable existence. If I was smarter, I would just “man up” and be dominant, right?
I like being gentle. I like being affectionate. I like being thoughtful. I like having all of these “unmanly” traits that make me the lowest of the low. It fulfills me. It makes me happy.
Just because I wish the world saw things differently doesn’t make the world see things differently.
The end result is that I accept my place at the bottom.
These are the feelings swirling around in my heart.
I’ve been feeling a little bit unnerved the past few days and I had trouble putting my finger on the reason. After analyzing the feelings that accompanied my past few posts and an observation made by a friend, it finally dawned on me and clarity came rushing in.
You will find quite a bit of writing about submissive men being marginalized, trivialized, and ridiculed within the BDSM community. There is this perception that submissive men are some form of monstrous aberration as their existence bucks the conventional trends of the past several thousand years. A man who isn’t strong? You are not a real man. You are less than a person. You are a bother to their existence.
This disturbs me on two levels. One is that this perspective is common from both dominant men and submissive women. I can understand the prejudice from dominant men, but it is a bit more worrisome when it comes from submissive women. Rather than forming a connection, for many they see you as the same kind of violation of the natural order: men are strong, women are weak.
This is destructive on several levels. It doesn’t feel good to have your existence denied. It instills doubt and fear, and saps away courage as you try to be brave enough to show yourself in an environment that is supposed to be open-minded. My experiences over the years with this have been numerous. I feel like it almost gives me the empathy to relate to someone that is gay and the challenges that they face in the outside world. Two seconds later I realize that is an arrogant line of thinking since people who are openly gay are a lot braver than I am. I struggle to announce myself as a submissive male in kink-friendly environments and would never dream of doing so in the vanilla world for all to see. It gives me a load of respect for them.
The other destructive aspect is that it steals from the idea that submissives are strong. It takes a whole lot of strength to dedicate yourself to being someone’s pillar. Last I checked, pillars are built to be strong. Burying one’s own desires in order to instill happiness in someone else takes courage. Actualizing ones own desires to be that of instilling happiness of another is a state of mind that the meek cannot begin to reach. Submission is not weak. Submission is not about freeing ourselves from responsibility, judgment, forethought, restraint, and self-control. It is quite the opposite. Submission is about taking ultimate responsibility, exercising ultimate judgment, restraint, and self-control. This takes a lot of strength indeed.
I want to shout this from the rooftops. I want to wave it on a banner. But then I remember. I’m a submissive male. I’m not a real man. I can be looked down upon by a submissive woman. I am the lowest creature on the totem pole and a pitiable existence. If I was smarter, I would just “man up” and be dominant, right?
I like being gentle. I like being affectionate. I like being thoughtful. I like having all of these “unmanly” traits that make me the lowest of the low. It fulfills me. It makes me happy.
Just because I wish the world saw things differently doesn’t make the world see things differently.
The end result is that I accept my place at the bottom.
These are the feelings swirling around in my heart.
Thoughts on Loving Sadists
A lot of times when people are frustrated that a dominant doesn’t have enough of those impulses, a sadist is probably a better fit. There just frequently seems to be some sort of mental block that keeps them from seriously considering this option. I find this to be strange.
I often theorize that everyone has a certain percentage of “giver” and certain percentage of “receiver” wired into their kink. A sub’s giving side is the service side of their submission while their receiving side is the one that wants play, punishment, and the like. A dominant’s giving side is the side that wants to play and inflict pain/anguish, while their receiving side is the one that wants to be pampered, serviced, and doted on.
For any sub that leans more heavily to the receiving side, a sadist is the natural complimentary fit.
So where then does the apprehension fall? Just because someone is a sadist doesn’t mean they don’t have a conscience. Most of them emphasize consent because they DO feel guilty for what they want and what they do. They need to know what they are doing is okay in order to feel okay about doing it. I believe it is safe to say that most sadists have spent some time agonizing over this and it may have taken them years to feel fine about enjoying themselves.
If a sadist decides to inflict cruelty, it doesn’t mean they don’t value the sub. In fact, it probably means they value them even more. A general trend with sadists is that if you tell them, “I will suffer for you,” that is actually quite romantic and endearing for them. You make them feel like the way that they are is perfectly fine. By choosing them, you are their willing victim and they place tremendous value upon that.
I don’t know why I feel a need to write all of this out. I guess I just feel like I have encountered a couple of people that have the impression that sadists are hateful people… when most of them want to love very deeply… just like the rest of us.
Thoughts on Rational vs. Irrational
Dominance, I believe is perfectly rational. You know what you want, you pursue what you want, you enact rules and protocols to ensure you get what you want. This absolutely makes all of the sense in the world to me. I mean, really, if you were a dominant, you could order your sub to perform as a service top, and have it carried out in an idealized fantasy way.
By submitting in lifestyle D/s, you disempower yourself. You lose options. You lose the freedom to make certain choices. You lose the ability to control much of what happens. It is no longer up to you. So the reasoning goes, if you have an idea of what you want and how you would like things to be, giving up the control over whether or not life resembles that idea is irrational.
Unless… your desire is to have no power… and that idealized life you think about is the absence of choices and freedom. In this case, it is closer to rational.
However, I know many many subs that have a strong preference for the “do me” type of activities over service activities and they do not wish to give up the power to have those things happen. In these types of cases, the choice does in fact seem irrational.
I know that some may counter this idea with “it gets me off” or “it doesn’t get me off,” but that becomes more a matter of sexuality
Thoughts on Imagination
Originally Written: 10/17/17
Twice in the past week I have found myself giving the advice to envision dominance. What I know to be true is that people don’t like to do this and it leaves me a bit puzzled. I find that I could pretend to be a female dominant, a male dominant, or even a female submissive (although I don’t quite understand the arousal differences between genders) if it came to picturing a role, a personality, and a set of feelings.
Doing this improves my submission. It allows me to check up on my own submission to make sure it is a desirable form. It helps me learn to anticipate needs well before they are asked for. It lets me check and make sure that my own desires make sense in the context of the relationship, or if it’s just some selfish wanker fantasy that I would be better off never thinking about again.
Doing this also strengthens relationships because you attempt to get a feel for how your partner thinks, feels, and processes what happens around them. You begin to see where they are strong and where they can use support. You get an idea of their motives… what drives them… what is it they are really chasing? You get an idea of their responsibilities and how they will perceive what you are offering. Are you a handful? Does a specific habit or desire make their life easier or harder?
How do I hurt you in a good way? How do I apply enough dominance to keep you in a pleasant mental space without causing actual damage? How do I focus on me, but in a way that also includes you? How do I keep you aroused and wanting through seemingly ordinary activities? How do I pull the strings to make you rise and fall in submission to make sure that you are always right where I want you? How do I maintain an environment conducive to this and keep both parties in their happy place?
If you imagine yourself as the target, you should be able to answer all of these questions quite easily. The more you grow to understand, you should be able to picture the applicable questions and probably answers for pretty much any role and gender.
I find it strange when people tell me they can’t imagine being dominant. To be honest, this absolutely puzzles me. I’m pretty certain that anyone and everyone has at some point in time desired to get what they want, even if it’s for a singular period of time. e.g. it’s my birthday, everyone should dote on me, shower me with gifts and attention, and I get to decide what we are all doing. Happy day. Envisioning dominance is a lot like that (although, the term “birthday suit” will have some slightly different connotations).
If someone said, “I can’t picture confidence,” I can totally believe that. I think everyone can picture power and desire.
One of the occasions where I used the imagination route, although to be fair, I did actually word it as “maybe try switching once,” and followed it up later with an explanation was pretty much avoided completely. It was the answer I gave to the question, “How do you know where the line is between D/s and abuse?”
My belief is that the correct answer to this question is: When the reason behind what you are doing no longer includes, “us.” As long as something is “good for us,” “good for the relationship,” etc., it is safe to say that this is D/s. When “us” no longer exists in the motive, that is when abuse can happen. However, truly understanding this likely requires experience with switching or having a very realistic imagination.
You’ll find a whole lot of answers come clear if you work your imagination.
Twice in the past week I have found myself giving the advice to envision dominance. What I know to be true is that people don’t like to do this and it leaves me a bit puzzled. I find that I could pretend to be a female dominant, a male dominant, or even a female submissive (although I don’t quite understand the arousal differences between genders) if it came to picturing a role, a personality, and a set of feelings.
Doing this improves my submission. It allows me to check up on my own submission to make sure it is a desirable form. It helps me learn to anticipate needs well before they are asked for. It lets me check and make sure that my own desires make sense in the context of the relationship, or if it’s just some selfish wanker fantasy that I would be better off never thinking about again.
Doing this also strengthens relationships because you attempt to get a feel for how your partner thinks, feels, and processes what happens around them. You begin to see where they are strong and where they can use support. You get an idea of their motives… what drives them… what is it they are really chasing? You get an idea of their responsibilities and how they will perceive what you are offering. Are you a handful? Does a specific habit or desire make their life easier or harder?
How do I hurt you in a good way? How do I apply enough dominance to keep you in a pleasant mental space without causing actual damage? How do I focus on me, but in a way that also includes you? How do I keep you aroused and wanting through seemingly ordinary activities? How do I pull the strings to make you rise and fall in submission to make sure that you are always right where I want you? How do I maintain an environment conducive to this and keep both parties in their happy place?
If you imagine yourself as the target, you should be able to answer all of these questions quite easily. The more you grow to understand, you should be able to picture the applicable questions and probably answers for pretty much any role and gender.
I find it strange when people tell me they can’t imagine being dominant. To be honest, this absolutely puzzles me. I’m pretty certain that anyone and everyone has at some point in time desired to get what they want, even if it’s for a singular period of time. e.g. it’s my birthday, everyone should dote on me, shower me with gifts and attention, and I get to decide what we are all doing. Happy day. Envisioning dominance is a lot like that (although, the term “birthday suit” will have some slightly different connotations).
If someone said, “I can’t picture confidence,” I can totally believe that. I think everyone can picture power and desire.
One of the occasions where I used the imagination route, although to be fair, I did actually word it as “maybe try switching once,” and followed it up later with an explanation was pretty much avoided completely. It was the answer I gave to the question, “How do you know where the line is between D/s and abuse?”
My belief is that the correct answer to this question is: When the reason behind what you are doing no longer includes, “us.” As long as something is “good for us,” “good for the relationship,” etc., it is safe to say that this is D/s. When “us” no longer exists in the motive, that is when abuse can happen. However, truly understanding this likely requires experience with switching or having a very realistic imagination.
You’ll find a whole lot of answers come clear if you work your imagination.
Thoughts on Idealism vs. Reality
Originally Written: 10/17/17
Life is not always so gracious. So many external factors can get involved. Work, weather, traffic, and health seem to be factors we battle every day no matter what. The best intentions can become lost within the chaos. The best laid plans can be derailed by circumstance. Even when you know exactly who you want to be, there are some days where you just fail to live up to your own standards.
This is why I am a firm believer in the idea of punishment dynamics. Does she deserve to suffer because I am having a bad day? No way. Is it okay for a bit of stress to let me break my promises? No way. Reasons are just excuses that we forgive. She doesn’t deserve excuses, she deserves my best just like I promised.
Without punishment, I will inevitably feel terrible for these lapses. I will feel guilt and shame for my failures. I always want to be my best self and it is my inability to deal with things that cause me to show something other than my best self. I feel this is worthy of punishment. I feel like I will not feel better unless I am punished. Penance earns forgiveness, both from her and from myself. This is how I have learned release the guilt.
Punishment serves another purpose: fear. It’s not healthy to live in terror, but a slight twitch of fear in the back of your mind can provide just enough motivation to let your desire to be your best self defeat stress and other external factors. I find this bit of fear goes a long way towards keeping me feeling good.
The process of actualizing ideals creates a sense of identity. This identity becomes a source of pride, self-esteem, and integrity. When I fail myself (and in turn, fail her), I lose these things and I must earn them back. I have to earn back my own self-respect. This isn’t a feel-good process. It is never fun to assess yourself with brutal honesty. I find it is far better to be kept from failing. In this way, I embrace control dynamics. I embrace rules. I embrace her check mechanisms for me that keep me true to my identity. Keeping me constantly focused and attentive, they protect me from the pain of failure. Those control dynamics end up being good for both of us.
There are many that find the life I desire to be too strict and too suffocating. Having experienced it I can say that I find it perfect. I feel good because I make her happy. She feels good because of my love, dedication, and effort at pleasing her. I do not mind its strictness because to me, it shows me how much she cares as she protects me from the worst parts of myself. I don’t think that reality has to differ that much from idealism, it just requires a few extra bits of attention to keep it that way.
Thoughts on strong submissives and the appeal of D/s
Originally Written: 10/16/17
I’ve had something on my mind a bit lately in regards to the idea of strong submissives. This sub type has dozens of different names that you may have encountered it under. I have seen it called an alpha submissive (which I don’t really like as a term), warrior submissive, Queen/Knight relationship, and so on. Basically, this is someone that is strong, independent, and capable that chooses to submit to someone else.
It’s hard to make broad sweeping generalizations about D/s relationships that involve this type of submissive because the reasons aren’t all black and white. While the dominant is seen as strong, the submissive is also seen as strong. While the dominant may wish to force their submission at times, it is as much offered freely as it is taken. Submission is given out of love and reverence, but at times there may be some fear involved. Rather than nail down a concrete definition of this, my point is more to illustrate that this type of submissive has free will, thoughts, feelings and all that jazz. They have strong personal qualities, the ability to make decisions, and a heart full of devotion.
These types of submissives are frequently the “life partner” submissives.
What is interesting to me is that in F/m, a very high percentage of Dommes are seeking this type of sub. By contrast, this type of submissive seems to only make up a fraction of the female submissive population.
In the past when I have talked about this, the theories that Em over at Emdimensional and I came up with were focused heavily upon the nurturing characteristics of male dominants and possibly the prehistoric species-level instinct of women to want to mate with a strong male. e.g. the male dominant says, “I want to protect you.” The female dominant says, “I want you to protect me.”
Regardless of the validity of those theories, in F/m you will find a very low percentage of submissive men in loving, monogamous, long-term relationships that someone might perceive as “weak.” In M/f, you will find a number of submissive types that if this were a parent/child relationship you would look up on and think, “they are being enabled,” and these types are nearly non-existent in F/m relationships.
One factor that may play into this heavily is how each gender has its dominant “sold” to them. In M/f I find there is a lot greater emphasis placed around sexual acts. Get what you want, whenever you want it. Be in control. Take charge. A lot of people seem to see this and think, “blowjobs whenever I want them? Sign me up.” I do not mean to say that there aren’t male dominants that embrace control, dynamics and the like, I just have encountered too many piss poor dominants that used the role for sex.
When you see people selling D/s to female dominants, it’s a completely different pitch. Don’t lift a finger. Be pampered, worshiped, and waited on hand and foot. Have sex on your terms. Have him wrapped around your finger. The most common interpretation of this ends up being centered around lifestyle improvements. e.g. he does the chores, you get to do what you want, pick where to eat, what to watch, and so on. Play? If it exists at all, it is whatever she wants.
Why are these things so drastically different? The only answer that I have is that there is a greater variety of male dominants that are looking for different things. By contrast, you will find very few male pets, male littles, and the like leading lifestyle D/s relationships because most female dominants seek very specific types of male subs.
Another oddity is that even though F/m tends to have a high level of domestic service, the trend is still to seek out strong submissives. This, I do have an answer for based upon years of interactions with Dommes. Most Dommes looking for a life partner are prouder and more exhilarated by dominating someone they deem worthy. If they are the most powerful being in the world, they would rather dominate the second most powerful being in the world than the weakest one. They have no interest in the spineless, they have every interest in the strong back that bends only to them… even if it is simply to have that strong back cook, clean, and tend to the garden.
This is where a lot of male subs go awry. Many think they are proving themselves worthy by how little personality they have, when this frequently has the opposite effect.
In many ways I think it would be useful for people of both roles and both genders to understand what else is out there and the why behind it. People who are getting started tend to imitate what they see others doing and this can either open up or close off options.
As a male submissive I do not have options. I must be a strong sub. That is the acceptable role for me to be. Even a sadist that wishes to break me and erase my person would rather break the strong sub vs. someone that is already broken. As such, I have had to revise my ideals over time to match what is desired. I have had to actualize these ideals in order to be chosen. This heavily colors my perspective on the lifestyle, but in many ways this is not all bad, as it is often the missing perspective when it comes to helping others.
I find sharing this view helps a lot when interacting with female subs, especially those who are coupled with dominants that are not natural sadists. When problems arise in those cases, it is sometimes a helpful question to ask, who does he want to submit to him? Xena Warrior Princess or slave girl #7 off in the corner? The answer isn’t always the one that is most desired by the sub, but sometimes it can provide that little glimpse of where things are going awry.
In some ways, the limited options in F/m make it a lot easier to anticipate what a dominant is looking for. On the other hand, limited options… are limiting. There are days where I would be absolutely certain I could make a kick-ass pet, but the realist in me knows that will never happen.
I’ve had something on my mind a bit lately in regards to the idea of strong submissives. This sub type has dozens of different names that you may have encountered it under. I have seen it called an alpha submissive (which I don’t really like as a term), warrior submissive, Queen/Knight relationship, and so on. Basically, this is someone that is strong, independent, and capable that chooses to submit to someone else.
It’s hard to make broad sweeping generalizations about D/s relationships that involve this type of submissive because the reasons aren’t all black and white. While the dominant is seen as strong, the submissive is also seen as strong. While the dominant may wish to force their submission at times, it is as much offered freely as it is taken. Submission is given out of love and reverence, but at times there may be some fear involved. Rather than nail down a concrete definition of this, my point is more to illustrate that this type of submissive has free will, thoughts, feelings and all that jazz. They have strong personal qualities, the ability to make decisions, and a heart full of devotion.
These types of submissives are frequently the “life partner” submissives.
What is interesting to me is that in F/m, a very high percentage of Dommes are seeking this type of sub. By contrast, this type of submissive seems to only make up a fraction of the female submissive population.
In the past when I have talked about this, the theories that Em over at Emdimensional and I came up with were focused heavily upon the nurturing characteristics of male dominants and possibly the prehistoric species-level instinct of women to want to mate with a strong male. e.g. the male dominant says, “I want to protect you.” The female dominant says, “I want you to protect me.”
Regardless of the validity of those theories, in F/m you will find a very low percentage of submissive men in loving, monogamous, long-term relationships that someone might perceive as “weak.” In M/f, you will find a number of submissive types that if this were a parent/child relationship you would look up on and think, “they are being enabled,” and these types are nearly non-existent in F/m relationships.
One factor that may play into this heavily is how each gender has its dominant “sold” to them. In M/f I find there is a lot greater emphasis placed around sexual acts. Get what you want, whenever you want it. Be in control. Take charge. A lot of people seem to see this and think, “blowjobs whenever I want them? Sign me up.” I do not mean to say that there aren’t male dominants that embrace control, dynamics and the like, I just have encountered too many piss poor dominants that used the role for sex.
When you see people selling D/s to female dominants, it’s a completely different pitch. Don’t lift a finger. Be pampered, worshiped, and waited on hand and foot. Have sex on your terms. Have him wrapped around your finger. The most common interpretation of this ends up being centered around lifestyle improvements. e.g. he does the chores, you get to do what you want, pick where to eat, what to watch, and so on. Play? If it exists at all, it is whatever she wants.
Why are these things so drastically different? The only answer that I have is that there is a greater variety of male dominants that are looking for different things. By contrast, you will find very few male pets, male littles, and the like leading lifestyle D/s relationships because most female dominants seek very specific types of male subs.
Another oddity is that even though F/m tends to have a high level of domestic service, the trend is still to seek out strong submissives. This, I do have an answer for based upon years of interactions with Dommes. Most Dommes looking for a life partner are prouder and more exhilarated by dominating someone they deem worthy. If they are the most powerful being in the world, they would rather dominate the second most powerful being in the world than the weakest one. They have no interest in the spineless, they have every interest in the strong back that bends only to them… even if it is simply to have that strong back cook, clean, and tend to the garden.
This is where a lot of male subs go awry. Many think they are proving themselves worthy by how little personality they have, when this frequently has the opposite effect.
In many ways I think it would be useful for people of both roles and both genders to understand what else is out there and the why behind it. People who are getting started tend to imitate what they see others doing and this can either open up or close off options.
As a male submissive I do not have options. I must be a strong sub. That is the acceptable role for me to be. Even a sadist that wishes to break me and erase my person would rather break the strong sub vs. someone that is already broken. As such, I have had to revise my ideals over time to match what is desired. I have had to actualize these ideals in order to be chosen. This heavily colors my perspective on the lifestyle, but in many ways this is not all bad, as it is often the missing perspective when it comes to helping others.
I find sharing this view helps a lot when interacting with female subs, especially those who are coupled with dominants that are not natural sadists. When problems arise in those cases, it is sometimes a helpful question to ask, who does he want to submit to him? Xena Warrior Princess or slave girl #7 off in the corner? The answer isn’t always the one that is most desired by the sub, but sometimes it can provide that little glimpse of where things are going awry.
In some ways, the limited options in F/m make it a lot easier to anticipate what a dominant is looking for. On the other hand, limited options… are limiting. There are days where I would be absolutely certain I could make a kick-ass pet, but the realist in me knows that will never happen.
Thoughts on Domestic Service
Originally Written: 10/12/17
There are times when I wish I was one of those people that was a neat freak. You know, those types that get off on making everything clean and organized. I am not one of those people. I’m not dirty or filthy, but I’m more about not making a mess than I am about cleaning.
I’ve met a number of dominants over the years that I haven’t really seen eye to eye with. This is often one of the subjects at hand. They want someone that wants to clean. I never want to clean, but I am willing to clean. This is a very crucial difference to some.
It is my lack of natural desire to performing tedious tasks and chores that makes a punishment dynamic a necessity for me to be happy. Do I need the threat of the lash to scrub a toilet? Hell no. Does the threat of a lash make me happy to scrub a toilet? Yes, because the idea of a punishment puts me into a submissive mental space. It isn’t a deterrent. It isn’t just words or posturing. I would not fail her on something so trivial. I would lose self-respect if I couldn’t get ordinary things done. There’s just that difference between doing it while knowing I hate it vs. doing it while immersed in subspace and the thought of disappointing her is crushing.
Does this make me a lesser submissive? To some, yes, to others, no. The people who think “yes” tend to be people who are not a good fit.
I assume that I will be performing domestic service. I assume it always. I just have different facets of my person that have their own points of view on this and which one surfaces the most varies day by day, moment by moment. The adult in me knows that if I was living alone, I would be performing my own domestic service unless I was content living in a total nasty pigsty, which I am not. Now, I might not clean as regularly or frequently as some, but I will never have flies, ants, or rotting anything ever.
From a submissive ideal standpoint, yes, I should want to do it because I want to make her happy. From another submissive standpoint (the one closer to my feelings) is that the thought of her performing tedious tasks pains me, so I would rather do it than subject her to it.
To be honest, I’ve always been curious where the idea of domestic service as a dynamic came from. I know there are those with a fetish for no-strings house cleaning, but they are often unicorns. To be honest, I believe the roots come from a bit of backlash against the traditional patriarchal home. Go back 50 years and most women would run the household, taking care of all of the domestic tasks. That was her role. Unfortunately, when the majority of women went back into the workforce, it seems there was a lag and she was still responsible for the majority of the domestic tasks. If she could manage to work, cook, clean, and do laundry, why couldn’t a man do it too?
This isn’t a sexy way of looking it at, but my gut tells me that this may fall somewhere in its early origins.
The sexier idea is that the woman should feel like a pampered Goddess, Queen, Domina, or some other role of elevated status within the household. She should be free to enjoy all that life has to offer while her servants take care of the menial labor.
I’m not really sure. In most modern households the chores are shared, although not always equally. In D/s, while some couples share chores, many do not. FLR is one of the examples of unilateral distribution of chores.
I will admit that I have a bit of “wanker sub” in me and I get exhilarated by the fact that being expected to do everything without praise or thanks is unfair. I do, however, accept the reality that I will likely be the one performing domestic duties whether I like them or not.
There are times when I wish I was one of those people that was a neat freak. You know, those types that get off on making everything clean and organized. I am not one of those people. I’m not dirty or filthy, but I’m more about not making a mess than I am about cleaning.
I’ve met a number of dominants over the years that I haven’t really seen eye to eye with. This is often one of the subjects at hand. They want someone that wants to clean. I never want to clean, but I am willing to clean. This is a very crucial difference to some.
It is my lack of natural desire to performing tedious tasks and chores that makes a punishment dynamic a necessity for me to be happy. Do I need the threat of the lash to scrub a toilet? Hell no. Does the threat of a lash make me happy to scrub a toilet? Yes, because the idea of a punishment puts me into a submissive mental space. It isn’t a deterrent. It isn’t just words or posturing. I would not fail her on something so trivial. I would lose self-respect if I couldn’t get ordinary things done. There’s just that difference between doing it while knowing I hate it vs. doing it while immersed in subspace and the thought of disappointing her is crushing.
Does this make me a lesser submissive? To some, yes, to others, no. The people who think “yes” tend to be people who are not a good fit.
I assume that I will be performing domestic service. I assume it always. I just have different facets of my person that have their own points of view on this and which one surfaces the most varies day by day, moment by moment. The adult in me knows that if I was living alone, I would be performing my own domestic service unless I was content living in a total nasty pigsty, which I am not. Now, I might not clean as regularly or frequently as some, but I will never have flies, ants, or rotting anything ever.
From a submissive ideal standpoint, yes, I should want to do it because I want to make her happy. From another submissive standpoint (the one closer to my feelings) is that the thought of her performing tedious tasks pains me, so I would rather do it than subject her to it.
To be honest, I’ve always been curious where the idea of domestic service as a dynamic came from. I know there are those with a fetish for no-strings house cleaning, but they are often unicorns. To be honest, I believe the roots come from a bit of backlash against the traditional patriarchal home. Go back 50 years and most women would run the household, taking care of all of the domestic tasks. That was her role. Unfortunately, when the majority of women went back into the workforce, it seems there was a lag and she was still responsible for the majority of the domestic tasks. If she could manage to work, cook, clean, and do laundry, why couldn’t a man do it too?
This isn’t a sexy way of looking it at, but my gut tells me that this may fall somewhere in its early origins.
The sexier idea is that the woman should feel like a pampered Goddess, Queen, Domina, or some other role of elevated status within the household. She should be free to enjoy all that life has to offer while her servants take care of the menial labor.
I’m not really sure. In most modern households the chores are shared, although not always equally. In D/s, while some couples share chores, many do not. FLR is one of the examples of unilateral distribution of chores.
I will admit that I have a bit of “wanker sub” in me and I get exhilarated by the fact that being expected to do everything without praise or thanks is unfair. I do, however, accept the reality that I will likely be the one performing domestic duties whether I like them or not.
Symbolism vs. Fetish
Originally Written 10/12/17
Quite honestly over the past couple of weeks I think I have had more fun blogging than I have had in years. I consider the verb, blogging to encompass writing blog posts, reading blog posts, leaving comments on other blogs, and responding to comments. It has been at least 5 years since I have felt this active and there have been some great conversations going as of late. I have actually had two conversations as of late that cover this topic. I have written about this a lot in the past, but this is my first time talking about it on WordPress.
When you look at the variety of kinks and fetishes out there as well as people’s different levels of acceptance and coping with said kinks and fetishes, you’ll find a wide variety in the ways that people present what gets them going and how others perceive it. This gets especially complicated when you look at the differences between gender, role, and even the verbiage of how people communicate their interests and desires.
The focus of this post is basically to compare the distinction between someone getting aroused by a specific act or object (fetish) vs. getting aroused by the meaning behind the act or object (symbolism).
I get turned on by a lot of things that scare the crap out of me. Things that I don’t want to admit that I want. Things that make my head spin in fantasy but I know the reality would be rather unpleasant. I also know that it is often difficult to convey the complete idea of this to other people. Word it wrong and I end up dancing that line between “interesting dynamic” and “pathetic wanker.”
Part of the problem is that as a whole, there are a good number of people that aren’t able to adequately articulate the nuances of their desires. They can’t always sift through the push/pull going on inside that draws them to an act yet makes them feel ashamed, guilty, or gross. Understanding contexts and motives go a long way to connecting with someone else. Provide no context nor motive and you are at the mercy of how they choose to read into things (or fail to read into them).
A big part of what separates a fetish from symbolic arousal is that a fetish often doesn’t need a context. e.g. a spanking fetishist can get aroused from seeing a spanking. Someone who is drawn to the power and authority that the spanker wields over the spankee, is aroused by that symbolism. I believe it is common for people to be one or the other and be unable to differentiate between the two. An easy way to differentiate on this topic is if the person cares for the reason behind the spanking (e.g. maintenance, punishment, scolding, etc.).
One of the most basic examples of a symbolic gesture in D/s is the rule for addressing a dominant with a title. Mistress, Miss, Goddess, ma’am, your highness/majesty, Sir, Daddy, Master, and so on come to mind. It is unlikely to find someone who has fetishized this, but it is quite likely to find someone who is drawn to what the title symbolizes and its meaning.
An important note about symbolic arousal is that it tends to be constantly evolving. Each time a new dynamic or activity is added, there is a rush and a set of feelings that erupt from it. Over time this becomes normal. As people continue to chase the rush and excitement, they must push farther in order to obtain a similar “new” response.
The intensity of relationships varies so greatly that it is common to find people who practice a milder form of D/s or are newer to the lifestyle encounter a much more intense relationship and be surprised, shocked, or put off by the dynamics and activities that they engage in. Sometimes this is the fault of the author for failing to convey the context and meaning behind acts. Sometimes this is the fault of the reader for not being able to envision the path it took to get there. Being tied up (or tying someone up) for the first time is exciting. Being tied up (or tying someone up) for the 1,000th time, not so much. Ropes and velcro straps become leather straps. Leather straps become locking straps. Locking straps become steel shackles and chains. At some point, hoods, gags, and body harnesses might show up. Sensory deprivation may work its way in. Each additional level of security and restraint increases the symbol of helplessness, the willingness of the sub to endure it, and the desire of the dominant to wield increasing amounts of control.
There are many types of scenarios that are frequently “end game” states. They take years to build enough trust and desire for increased dynamics to become what they are. Cuckolding and M/s are lifestyles that come to mind. Acts like permanent chastity and branding sometimes accompany them. These are almost some form of heavily progressed symbolic arousal that in most cases, passed through at least a dozen plateaus while working their way up.
Returning to the idea of fetishes, you may find a great difference in the allure of a dynamic, act, or object based upon the gender of the author. This isn’t meant to stereotype genders (too much), but the vast majority of fetishists are male. A rough estimate might be in the range of ~95% male. Males are much more susceptible to fetish development for a number of reasons. The core of it is almost always masturbation habits. Males are far more likely to repeat the same type of fantasy over and over. The nature of male sexual behavior plays into it as well. A man experiences a total crash upon ejaculation (mental, emotional, physical), so the fantasize, shoot their load, and it’s done. Women can carry their arousal across multiple orgasms, often allowing for more in-depth exploration of their fantasy’s contexts, environments, and the like. In some cases, the intensity and desire grows stronger with each orgasm. Basically, a woman is more likely to picture who, why, where when, and how when she fantasizes.
This phenomenon often makes many men prone to… well, behave repulsively. They get obsessed with their fetish, try to force it or project it whenever they can, and it becomes completely obsessive and overwhelming. It is easy for them to diminish the value of the partner involved and women tend to find this very unattractive. When their erection fades, they often will battle with shame and guilt and this makes it less likely for them to think about it and analyze their own needs and emotions. Without a firm understanding, it becomes almost impossible to communicate it effectively. The end result is that when people do talk about their fetishes, it is often portrayed in a selfish and unappealing way to anyone who does not share an almost identical fetish.
Even when women do have fetishes, I find they are often much more able to verbalize what aspects they find appealing and how it “talks” to them. The ability to convey enough about what they enjoy frequently makes a woman with fetishes seem sexually free and adventurous. This is a stark contrast to the vision of a single male typing with one hand in a dark room. This also leads me to believe that most women with fetishes tend to require environmental or symbolic links.
I hope that I’m making some sense here in being able to distinguish situations that may not be obvious on the surface when encountering someone with a different set of interests. If not, my bad. I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts today.
I will leave this with an example that I think illustrates the difference. Trampling is a common F/m kink that often puzzles people. If a woman tramples a man, a fetishist might think, “mmm… feet.” A Domme drawn to symbolism might think, “So powerful.” A sub drawn to symbolism might think, “She’s displaying her power.”
I’ve put a lot of thought into this subject because it took me a very long time to realize where these dividing lines fell into me. For a while I thought I had a boatload of fetishes, but upon interacting with fetishists, I realized I was responding in a different way. That key was realizing that the meaning behind an act was more important to me than the act itself. This also meant I would likely be drawn in by almost anything that shared a similar meaning… and for the most part, that has proven itself to be true.
Quite honestly over the past couple of weeks I think I have had more fun blogging than I have had in years. I consider the verb, blogging to encompass writing blog posts, reading blog posts, leaving comments on other blogs, and responding to comments. It has been at least 5 years since I have felt this active and there have been some great conversations going as of late. I have actually had two conversations as of late that cover this topic. I have written about this a lot in the past, but this is my first time talking about it on WordPress.
When you look at the variety of kinks and fetishes out there as well as people’s different levels of acceptance and coping with said kinks and fetishes, you’ll find a wide variety in the ways that people present what gets them going and how others perceive it. This gets especially complicated when you look at the differences between gender, role, and even the verbiage of how people communicate their interests and desires.
The focus of this post is basically to compare the distinction between someone getting aroused by a specific act or object (fetish) vs. getting aroused by the meaning behind the act or object (symbolism).
I get turned on by a lot of things that scare the crap out of me. Things that I don’t want to admit that I want. Things that make my head spin in fantasy but I know the reality would be rather unpleasant. I also know that it is often difficult to convey the complete idea of this to other people. Word it wrong and I end up dancing that line between “interesting dynamic” and “pathetic wanker.”
Part of the problem is that as a whole, there are a good number of people that aren’t able to adequately articulate the nuances of their desires. They can’t always sift through the push/pull going on inside that draws them to an act yet makes them feel ashamed, guilty, or gross. Understanding contexts and motives go a long way to connecting with someone else. Provide no context nor motive and you are at the mercy of how they choose to read into things (or fail to read into them).
A big part of what separates a fetish from symbolic arousal is that a fetish often doesn’t need a context. e.g. a spanking fetishist can get aroused from seeing a spanking. Someone who is drawn to the power and authority that the spanker wields over the spankee, is aroused by that symbolism. I believe it is common for people to be one or the other and be unable to differentiate between the two. An easy way to differentiate on this topic is if the person cares for the reason behind the spanking (e.g. maintenance, punishment, scolding, etc.).
One of the most basic examples of a symbolic gesture in D/s is the rule for addressing a dominant with a title. Mistress, Miss, Goddess, ma’am, your highness/majesty, Sir, Daddy, Master, and so on come to mind. It is unlikely to find someone who has fetishized this, but it is quite likely to find someone who is drawn to what the title symbolizes and its meaning.
An important note about symbolic arousal is that it tends to be constantly evolving. Each time a new dynamic or activity is added, there is a rush and a set of feelings that erupt from it. Over time this becomes normal. As people continue to chase the rush and excitement, they must push farther in order to obtain a similar “new” response.
The intensity of relationships varies so greatly that it is common to find people who practice a milder form of D/s or are newer to the lifestyle encounter a much more intense relationship and be surprised, shocked, or put off by the dynamics and activities that they engage in. Sometimes this is the fault of the author for failing to convey the context and meaning behind acts. Sometimes this is the fault of the reader for not being able to envision the path it took to get there. Being tied up (or tying someone up) for the first time is exciting. Being tied up (or tying someone up) for the 1,000th time, not so much. Ropes and velcro straps become leather straps. Leather straps become locking straps. Locking straps become steel shackles and chains. At some point, hoods, gags, and body harnesses might show up. Sensory deprivation may work its way in. Each additional level of security and restraint increases the symbol of helplessness, the willingness of the sub to endure it, and the desire of the dominant to wield increasing amounts of control.
There are many types of scenarios that are frequently “end game” states. They take years to build enough trust and desire for increased dynamics to become what they are. Cuckolding and M/s are lifestyles that come to mind. Acts like permanent chastity and branding sometimes accompany them. These are almost some form of heavily progressed symbolic arousal that in most cases, passed through at least a dozen plateaus while working their way up.
Returning to the idea of fetishes, you may find a great difference in the allure of a dynamic, act, or object based upon the gender of the author. This isn’t meant to stereotype genders (too much), but the vast majority of fetishists are male. A rough estimate might be in the range of ~95% male. Males are much more susceptible to fetish development for a number of reasons. The core of it is almost always masturbation habits. Males are far more likely to repeat the same type of fantasy over and over. The nature of male sexual behavior plays into it as well. A man experiences a total crash upon ejaculation (mental, emotional, physical), so the fantasize, shoot their load, and it’s done. Women can carry their arousal across multiple orgasms, often allowing for more in-depth exploration of their fantasy’s contexts, environments, and the like. In some cases, the intensity and desire grows stronger with each orgasm. Basically, a woman is more likely to picture who, why, where when, and how when she fantasizes.
This phenomenon often makes many men prone to… well, behave repulsively. They get obsessed with their fetish, try to force it or project it whenever they can, and it becomes completely obsessive and overwhelming. It is easy for them to diminish the value of the partner involved and women tend to find this very unattractive. When their erection fades, they often will battle with shame and guilt and this makes it less likely for them to think about it and analyze their own needs and emotions. Without a firm understanding, it becomes almost impossible to communicate it effectively. The end result is that when people do talk about their fetishes, it is often portrayed in a selfish and unappealing way to anyone who does not share an almost identical fetish.
Even when women do have fetishes, I find they are often much more able to verbalize what aspects they find appealing and how it “talks” to them. The ability to convey enough about what they enjoy frequently makes a woman with fetishes seem sexually free and adventurous. This is a stark contrast to the vision of a single male typing with one hand in a dark room. This also leads me to believe that most women with fetishes tend to require environmental or symbolic links.
I hope that I’m making some sense here in being able to distinguish situations that may not be obvious on the surface when encountering someone with a different set of interests. If not, my bad. I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts today.
I will leave this with an example that I think illustrates the difference. Trampling is a common F/m kink that often puzzles people. If a woman tramples a man, a fetishist might think, “mmm… feet.” A Domme drawn to symbolism might think, “So powerful.” A sub drawn to symbolism might think, “She’s displaying her power.”
I’ve put a lot of thought into this subject because it took me a very long time to realize where these dividing lines fell into me. For a while I thought I had a boatload of fetishes, but upon interacting with fetishists, I realized I was responding in a different way. That key was realizing that the meaning behind an act was more important to me than the act itself. This also meant I would likely be drawn in by almost anything that shared a similar meaning… and for the most part, that has proven itself to be true.
Here they come...
In my last post I had said that I would be sharing some of the posts here that I limited to Wordpress.
One aspect of Wordpress is that it is not very conducive to readers reading older posts, so if someone begins to follow your blog and you have more than a couple dozen posts, reading it from "start" to "now" is nearly impossible mostly due to the interface. It is more conducive reading from "now" to "start," and since that doesn't paint a great picture of things, a lot of people maybe read back a week or two.
Having picked up about 50 followers in the past month there, I have made a handful of posts on topics/content that people reading here may have already seen a dozen times.
Also of note is that a good number of my Wordpress readers are submissive women. A lot of these topics were inspired by comment discussions so some of them may have a more "general D/s" voice instead of the F/m voice I normally write from.
One aspect of Wordpress is that it is not very conducive to readers reading older posts, so if someone begins to follow your blog and you have more than a couple dozen posts, reading it from "start" to "now" is nearly impossible mostly due to the interface. It is more conducive reading from "now" to "start," and since that doesn't paint a great picture of things, a lot of people maybe read back a week or two.
Having picked up about 50 followers in the past month there, I have made a handful of posts on topics/content that people reading here may have already seen a dozen times.
Also of note is that a good number of my Wordpress readers are submissive women. A lot of these topics were inspired by comment discussions so some of them may have a more "general D/s" voice instead of the F/m voice I normally write from.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Just a quick heads up
I have been writing up a storm and have about a dozen posts that I have only posted on Wordpress and not here out of concern that people don't want to read me write about the same things over and over again. My WP version has picked up ~40 followers in the past month so most of what I have been writing is new to them, but it may be the 12th time I have talked about it here.
I feel like I am neglecting this blog a bit in the process. I will likely cross-post the missing content here fairly soon. I haven't decided if I will trickle it out or just post it all at once, but one or the other will probably happen within the next week or so.
I feel like I am neglecting this blog a bit in the process. I will likely cross-post the missing content here fairly soon. I haven't decided if I will trickle it out or just post it all at once, but one or the other will probably happen within the next week or so.
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