Saturday, July 24, 2010

So how does it work for Her? Part 2

This is a direct follow up to my last post, Ideals, Enjoyment, and Female Pleasure in D/s

While writing the section "So how does it work for Her?" I tried to get at the root of a newer or reluctant Domme and how difficult it is to make D/s scenarios enjoyable for her both in an emotional and sexual sense.  In my last post I think I did okay at covering the emotional side but I feel like I didn't get to the sexual side.  For long-term happiness in a D/s relationship, the male will take sexual pleasure in submission so it's only natural that the Domme should take sexual pleasure in Dominance.

I talked a bit about this in my post Wanting to be "normal" but mainly covered it from the submissive side of things.  The same principles hold true for a Domme and shedding the idea that D/s interaction is sexually deviant is the biggest hurdle to overcome.  I say this with great reluctance but in all honesty, in a relationship where the male has introduced D/s to his wife or significant other, if she is unwilling or unable to overcome the thought that being Dominant is bad, perverse, or deviant, they are probably better off splitting up and letting her remain "normal" and letting him pursue his submissive desires.  He won't be truly happy without it but she is foregoing lots of potential happiness if she gives up without giving it a fair chance.

There is a phrase that is often used to describe the feelings needed for a Domme to truly experience the D/s dynamic sexually and that is:  "Drunk with Power."

While this phrase usually holds some negative connotations as it implies an abusive display of power performed solely to fulfill selfish personal wishes, the submissive male desires these actions from his Domme.  This doesn't mean that she should hurt or maim him without regard for his well-being, but more that he wants her to think and act selfishly and force him to follow-suit.  This is the sign of a devoted man.  In many women's deepest fantasies, this is actually the type of man they want.  While there are those out there that dream of having the take charge alpha male type, most women that have self-confidence and self-esteem would find much greater happiness if they called the shots.

How to avoid guilt

In my last post I mentioned that punishment alleviates guilt for a submissive male.  This is easy.  The difficulty lies in removing guilt from a woman being fully Dominant.  We have been taught and raised to be kind, to share and think of others, and to nurture those we care about.  So how can someone be selfishly drunk with power and still uphold those ideals that allow her to think of herself as a good person?

The easy way  to think about it is: this is what he wants.  If he needs to feel submissive to be happy, then meeting his submission with Dominance is kind and the key to his happiness.  Each time you toss him an unfair and unjust situation that makes him struggle and agitates him at the pending outcome you are thinking of him and his needs and showing your love for him.  Each time you punish him in a way that makes a repeat mistake less likely, you are nurturing him and helping build his submissive self-esteem.  Men are just larger versions of boys.  The same rules and principles of a mother disciplining her son apply to a Domme disciplining her sub.  A firm, guiding hand brings him closer to the man he wants to be, which is the man that meets your needs.

Basically, you don't need to feel guilt because you are actually doing exactly what he needs to be happy, no matter how painful or unpleasant it might seem.

Beyond guilt

Moving beyond guilt brings us back to drunk with power.  I'm sure most women out there have tons of stories from their past where this situation occurred at some point. 

-An annoying little brother that you would tease and torment to get him to leave you alone or you would manipulate to make him do things for you.  Did you ever wonder why those torments usually brought him back for more unless they were very unpleasant and even then he would be bugging you again tomorrow?.

-A boy with an unrequited crush on you that would bother you with his uncomfortable advances.  When you wanted him to go away you would be overtly cruel and hurt his feelings.  When you needed something you would use him and use his crush to get what you wanted.  Did you ever wonder why he never gave up?

-Do you remember the first time you flirted to get your way?  Teasing some store clerk into giving a discount or a waiter into giving you a free drink.  When you did that you made his day.

-Did you ever play with dolls and make Ken do Barbie's bidding, basically being her slave?  This may have been your first Femdom experience.

Each of these scenarios may have been exhilarating in the moment but may have lead to guilt later on.  The guilt aspect is because aside from the dolls, none of the male participants had agreed to a D/s dynamic.  Since a submissive male HAS agreed to those terms, you can focus on the pleasurable aspects of those situations.

Those examples display sexual power.  Women using feminine charms to torment a man.  While the boy with the crush may have annoyed you, he probably also made you feel attractive and powerful deep down.  The little brother may have bugged you but each time you fucked with him it probably made you feel smart, capable, and strong.  If you played with your dolls in that way it may have manifested your deepest desires even if they weren't consistent with the ways you were taught to act towards others.

In the previous section I showed how being selfish is actually consistent with how to treat a submissive male.  It is the way you were taught to act towards others but at the same time it allows you to explore your inner-most desires.

If you could envision how you would play with dolls now with your perfect man being the Ken doll and you being the Barbie doll, how would they interact if you were to picture your ideal relationship?

I'm willing to wager that Ken is attentive and affectionate, giving compliments and being helpful, attending to your every need and making you feel like a Queen.  In the bedroom he desires to interact sexually in exactly the way you want it without regard for his own pleasure.  He makes you feel loved, beautiful, smart, sexy, strong, and confident.  You reign over him, drunk with power and everything feels fine.

This is reality.  Your submissive male is your own personal Ken doll and you are his Barbie.  When you get home from work do you have neck tension from driving in rush hour and do your feet hurt from the shoes you wore each day?  Would a neck rub and a foot massage make you feel better?  Would it probably turn you on if it was done well?  Good.

When you're horny does the thought of him going down on you and making your orgasm 20 times with his tongue seem like a good time?  If you worry about being too tired to reciprocate afterward, don't worry, the submissive male needs no reciprocation.  You can roll over and go to sleep, leaving him aching for release.  You can tell him to go masturbate in the shower.  You can keep going with sexual play and let him release.  The choice is yours.

Has he ever under-performed in bed?  Not enough endurance, too fast/rushed/sloppy, he doesn't hit your g-spot, he is too small, or just unfulfilling?  Has this ever left you in a situation where you are glad you had the physical intimacy but at the same time you wished he could have done better?  If so, decide the way you want to interact sexually.  Teach him to be a better lover that is more attentive to your needs.  If he sucks in bed, tell him that and train him to perform better (possibly removing sex entirely if he can't do it well).  Will this hurt him?  No, it will only damage his male ego.  His submissive self will be proud when he has learned to best please you, regardless of his own pleasure.

Think back to the times where you were fucking with a boy and got a good laugh with your friends thinking "I can't believe I got him to do that."  (Ignore any guilt you might have felt afterward.)  How did it feel?  Did it excite you and get you charged up?  Did you feel naughty and wicked but in a good way?  Did it make you feel powerful and clever?  Were you drunk with power?

This is probably the hardest thing to really unleash in a woman.  The "it's okay to feel good about teasing a boy and feeling naughty and wicked."  If you can take pleasure in being drunk with power you are almost there.  This is not a bad thing.  If you reach this he will love you forever.

The next stage is growing to understand and use the mind fuck.  I have written a bit about this in the past and it pretty much sums up Lady Grey's ideas about "keeping things interesting."  The more mental, emotional, and physical agitation you can instill within him, the more submissive and aroused he will become and the more he will love you.  Think of him as a boy you are teasing knowing the more you tease him and the more hoops you can make him jump through, the more he will love you and the more powerful you will feel.  If this turns you on that is a good thing.

A few ideas on spicing things up:

Ask him to wear a pair of your panties to work (this is a common practice even amongst D/s relationships that don't practice feminization).  If he protests tell him it isn't optional.  Approach him and get close and gauge his reaction (grab his penis if you want to).  Tell him if he doesn't it will displease you and there will be consequences.  If you are "feeling it" in the moment you can even rattle off a consequence or two.  If he is hard, you are making him happy.  Wearing panties will make him think about you all day.  The bigger question is, are you feeling anything inside while you are doing this?

Remove his speaking privileges for a couple of hours one evening.  Make it clear that he should only speak when asked a question or given permission to speak.  Try and bait him into talking.  Tell him to fetch you a drink.  When he brings one, tell him it is the wrong beverage.  He will probably ask you what kind of drink you want.  Answer him and when he returns with the drink have him drop his pants, grab his penis, and give him 10 hard whacks on a bare bottom with your hand, a hairbrush, a leather-soled slipper, or whatever you might choose and tell him to stand or kneel in the corner with his pants down for 5 minutes for speaking without permission.  Find a reason to walk-by him and you'll see he probably has an erection.  If it happens again give him 20 the next time. This is going to excite him and make him love you.  Does it do anything for you?

Have him pleasure you in the bedroom to your heart's content.  When you are satisfied play with his penis (or order him to play with it) until he is about to cum and then stop.  Tell him you are proud of him but that he hasn't earned an orgasm yet.  Get a grip on his balls and gauge their size (you can gently squeeze or tug on them if you want).  Tell him that you know how full he is and you'll be inspecting him in the morning to make sure he hasn't cheated.  In the morning have him pleasure you again.  When you are satisfied grab his balls again and make sure they are the same size or larger than they were the night before.  If you are feeling great love for him, let him cum and take some pleasure in the volume and force behind his load.  Yes, it was you that was responsible for his huge ejaculation.   On the off-chance that he cheated and masturbated while you were sleeping you'll probably have to beat the shit out of him.

These are just some ideas to help set the dynamic and gain some pleasure/appreciation for the Dominant role.   Hopfully you can find some pleasure in being able to do whatever you want, get whatever you want, and have a man that loves you more the more you ask of him.  

Any feedback?

Friday, July 23, 2010

Ideals, Enjoyment, and Female Pleasure in D/s

Lately I've read quite a few blog entries covering the topic of subs who have wives they have introduced to the D/s dynamic and the progress (or lack thereof) that has come about in the lifestyle.

While leaving some comments on Lady Grey's blog posting Rules, Responsibility and the Kink it got me thinking about this subject more in depth. 

Something that doesn't sit very well with me when these types of topics come up and I think it's due to a mix of factors that tend to contradict one another.  Subs will have a tendency to speak out that their wife isn't dominant enough but when someone refers to the dominance or submission that occurs in their lifestyle as being inadequate, the rabidly defend their position that it is everything they'd hoped for but always follow it up with a "you can't expect a fantasy lifestyle of in your WLM."  Basically, I think this is a bit bogus.  I don't mean to attack anyone who is in said position, but honestly, it either:
a) is enough to keep you happy in the long run.
b) is not enough to keep you happy in the long run.

Everyone seems to hope for c) it is enough because she refuses to dominate me further and if I press it too hard she'll divorce me so I've convinced myself this is the end-all-be-all of lifestyles or I couldn't be happy.

I wrote a post of a similar type a while ago titled Thoughts on Vanilla to D/s Conversion Techniques.
While this isn't really a technique, it's more of a thought process to try and "bridge the gap" between fantasy and reality that might help some people in this kind of situation.  This post will hopefully give some insight to subs, potential subs, fledgling Dommes, and reluctant Dommes.

Analyzing The Great Myth
There is a great myth in sub-land known as "I do it because it makes her happy and her life easier."  This is a great ideal and I'm sure it makes up a fraction of why a sub actually submits and performs activities/actions he wouldn't want to do in a standard vanilla relationship.  State this in front of your wife's friends and then beam in pride as they say they wish they had a man like you.  While it is a non-kinky way to introduce the D/s dynamic to a vanilla S/O, the key phrase here is "it makes up a fraction of why."

The natural follow-up is, what is the rest of it?

Digging into the psyche of the submissive male, things get a bit strange.  While "to make her life easier" flows so well in logic and in the heart and makes a D/s lifestyle desirable and natural, if it didn't arouse us, we wouldn't do it unless we felt like it.  Unfortunately "to make her life easier" and "to make her happy" aren't the primary driving factors of submissive male arousal (although Dommes would find their searches much easier if they truly were).

Introduce rules, chores, and routines into the mix and your logic might wish to believe it's "because we're supposed to do it."  This becomes a game of principles.  "Any man that loves his wife should do this," "it's the right thing to do," and "it's the way it should be," come to mind.  State these reasons in front of your wife's friends and beam in pride as they say they wish they had a man like you.  It is a bit more D/s than the previous reasons, but it's still not quite that way.  This is where many subs who have reluctant wives get stuck.  They do it because they're supposed to and because of the other two reasons above.  Again, this is great in principle and makes up a fraction of the reasons for D/s, but then why do they still imply a desire for more?

This brings us to the next step and at this point you will find the source of arousal for a submissive male.  "I do it because if I don't do it or don't do it well, there will be unpleasant consequences."  It is really the "do it or else" consequences that gets off the male sub.  No one wants to state outright that this is what turns them on because it makes them feel selfish and abnormally kinky/deviant.  However, the truth of it is that it gets them off when she steps up in an authoritarian way and exerts the inequality of their D/s relationship that really gets his blood pumping.

An example breakdown:
1.  I clean the bathroom because it makes her life easier and she's happier when I do it for her than when she has to do it.  (~20% of the reason)
2.  I clean the bathroom because a husband who loves his wife should make sacrifices for her.  (~20% of the reason)
3.  I clean the bathroom thoroughly because if I don't clean the bathroom to her expectations I'll get a painful over-the-knee spanking, some time-out corner time, and I won't get to orgasm for a week.  (~60%+ of the reason and ~90% of the arousal)
NOTE: I have met a few of the rare type that make up 0.02% of submissive men, these being the types that actually have a fetish for no-strings house-cleaning and similar activities.  They get off on doing something that isn't enjoyable and to be thanklessly brushed off by whomever they are providing service for.  This truly is a rare type, but they do exist.  What I can say for sure is that if you have ever said something like "it's all for her happiness" and within 5 minutes also said "it's enough because the other stuff is just kinky fantasy," you aren't one of these types.  Those types would never say it's enough for them because in most cases it turns them on that no one cares if it is enough for them or not. 

What this Means for Dommes
Observationally speaking, the above breakdown may make sense but there is still a gap that needs to be bridged and that is "what useful application of this knowledge is there to be had?"

Newer and reluctant Dommes tend to be a bit afraid of going too far in dominance.  They are often scared of hurting their sub emotionally and physically in a bad way and scared that if they unleash a significant amount of cruelty that he will want to leave.   Intensity tends to grow together in both dominance and submission.  I have referred to this in the past as "progressive escalation."  This is completely natural as when something becomes ordinary, the boundaries must be pressed in order to achieve the same level of intensity in the future.  In cases where a sub introduced the D/s lifestyle to his wife, he has usually been fantasizing for a loooooong time before she even thought about it, so there is a naturally catching up that needs to be done.  If he was as new to the fantasy as she was, this learning curve wouldn't seem so steep but in most cases he is several years into the mindset while she is just beginning.  The stumbling blocks tend to happen as she is in the process of catching up to where he is.

While it might be hard for a Domme to inflict cruelty on someone she loves, it is the cruelty that he truly craves.  The threat of punishment and consequences... the fear of her potential wrath at displeasure... the knowledge that she controls his pleasure and pain... these are the things he craves and deep down, truly needs.

I can see how this would be a strange concept to embrace for a newer or reluctant Domme, but it's the truth.  He wants to face your wrath if you're displeased.  He wants to be denied pleasure if he failed to please you.  He wants to give up control and has resigned himself to following your lead.  If you want him to truly love you, be selfish and let the dominance flow.  The more difficult you make things the more he will be yours.

Lady Grey took this one giant leap further in her last entry, an excerpt I've quoted here:
"A written rule like "Clean the toilet every day" becomes quite a different thing when I tie my husband's hands together and attach them to his cock and balls with a two foot rope and then tell him to clean the toilet."

This is a perfect example of tossing a curve-ball to a sub and keeping the mundane interesting and arousing.  Chances are he would be fighting a hard-on the entire time at both the situation you set out for him, the additional struggles he has to bear for no apparent reason, and the panic knowing that he must perform as well as when his hands are free to please you.

So how does it work for Her?

All of this might be fine and dandy so far in understanding his needs but there's still a problem with "doing it" for her.  Unless she's naturally dominant, there's no reason yet for any of these things to get her off.  I propose a certain way of thinking about it.

Simplify things by getting to the root of her emotional spectrum:
My submission is a symbol of my love for you.
My obedience is a symbol of my respect for you.
My focus on your priorities is a symbol of my devotion to you.
My acceptance of your will is a symbol of my trust in you.
I want everything to be perfect for you so that you will be happy.  I know I will stumble and I hope you will help me be your perfect man.  This process won't be easy.
I hope your hand will guide me.  I accept any pleasure or pain you feel I deserve.

By submitting to you he is giving you his all.  This is the most he can give of himself and he chose you as the person he wants to give it to.  Know that he submits out of strength rather than out of weakness.  Yes, it turns him on to do so, but there's worse things that could turn him on.  Let him display his love, devotion, obedience, respect, and trust for you in actions and cherish his submission.  Know that he will thrive under adversity if you place that upon him.  It will keep him focused, aroused, and happy.  He needs your love and appreciation but he does not crave kindness in return.

He wants you to control his orgasms.  When he cums he will do so with pride.  When he is denied it will make him try harder to please you.  He has given you this control out of love and trust.  He only wants to have pleasure when you have been pleased.

He wants you to punish him when he has failed to please you.  A submissive mind carries loads of guilt.  Punishment frees him of this guilt and he will love you for it (even if he hates the actual punishment).  Punishment will also make him try harder the next time.  He accepts this punishment so that he can make you happy.  

He wants you to hold him to impossibly high standards.  If you expect only the best from him it shows him that you think highly of him and he feels like he is capable of being the best.  Cherish that you have a man who wants to be the best to make you happy.

He wants you to fuck with him.  While it might seem wantonly cruel on the outside, he will accept your cruelty with happiness because this means you love him enough as a submissive to provide situations that keep him focused and aroused.  Take this as a sign of his devotion and he will be happy if his struggles entertain you.

I could go on an on but basically, accept these things as a symbol of his love and try to flow with it to love him back.  Know that by being cruel you are delivering pleasure and try to take some pleasure in that knowledge.  If you haven't found a way to make it turn you on, please, keep searching.

Looking back over this post... it seems like I derailed a bit but I hope it went somewhere that someone might find useful or interesting.