Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Rewards

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Rewards

Dear Ms. C.

You write all about the punishments and torments you put your sub through but what about rewards? Doesn’t he deserve rewards for a job well done?

-underher84

There was a time early on in the relationship where my sub would earn his orgasms with good behavior and service and the like. That was the dynamic as we both were feeling our way through the lifestyle. My sub is intelligent, enthusiastic, competent, and a fast learner. This soon became boring. Every week he would earn his rewards. The times where I would punish him got less and less. Every week it was the same, week in and week out. His enthusiasm waned. My enthusiasm waned. It’s too bad a snorgasm isn’t a thing because I would have had plenty.

This got me thinking about our relationship and the direction I wanted it to go. I wanted total control… total ownership. My sub is so submissive when I am around that he doesn’t need a carrot to “be good.” He is heavily driven by wanting to see me smile and fear of disappointing me. He wants to be perfect for me.

I still remember the day that I got him naked and on his knees in front of me. “I expect perfection from you. Your reward is the knowledge that you performed your duty faithfully and obediently and that I keep you in my service. Anything less than perfection will be punished severely and corrected until you are perfect at all times. Do you understand?” It was adorable the way his eyes went to the floor and he nodded slowly. His penis was standing straight up when a tiny little voice spoke, “Yes, Mistress.” That is such a wonderful memory. This brought our relationship back to life and since then he always tries his best without complaint. He knows nothing is guaranteed. He loves that I bring out the best in him.

Now I feel almost silly when I think about it. The idea of rewarding him for something he is expected to do seems rather silly. I’m sure he would feel the same way. When he looks into my eyes and sees that I love him, that is the only reward he needs.

END

Domestic Discipline as Therapy

I have memories of times like these when I was with F.  Because our contact and time we could spend together was limited we always did our best to make the most of it.  This at times was a bit tricky as extended solitude is often at the core of my demons. 

While I always wished for the best and was excited, looking forward to her next arrival there were some days where I was feeling a bit down and could not mentally prepare myself.  This was an emotional cluster-fuck as I was angry and disappointed in myself for not making the most of and appreciating the time.  I was angry and disappointed in myself for not being the best version of me for her.  I was angry and disappointed in myself for not being strong enough to keep the demons at bay.  This was good for no one.

F knew that I wanted the best for us.  She knew that it bothered me that I wasn't always in great mental condition.  After some extended discussion I made a request for her to punish me if I wasn't mentally prepared.  The night before our next meeting I would let her know my condition and if I was in bad shape, that would dictate the next day out of the gate.  This request puzzled her at first but I was able to explain that in my bad headspace I was not what I wanted to be, not what she wanted me to be, and that it made me feel doubly awful because I couldn't snap out of it when I wanted to.  Basically, I would end up feeling selfish because my own issues were "stronger" than my desires to love and serve her to the best of my abilities.

F would never shy away from reasons to hit me and this gave her an excuse on these days to unleash the sadist as soon as the door closed behind her.  After I would greet her with our rituals it was immediately over her lap where she would whup me to tears while scolding me for being selfish, ill-prepared, and failing to fulfill my promises to her.  This was usually followed by some time in the corner for "reflection on my poor attitude."  In its aftermath I was filled with remorse but earned forgiveness through penance.  My love for her was the focal point of my heart and I felt close and intimate on an extremely deep level.

While this might seem odd to those on the outside... it was very effective at bringing me to a better place.  It seems that the act supplied me with enough subspace-induced brain chemicals that it was able to over-power the chemical imbalances of my depression.  To this day it was the most effective kind of therapy I have ever had. 

What punishment is to me

It's kind of interesting that I've thought a lot about punishments today.

In addition to the blog I found I was also asked about this by a Domme friend earlier today.

I am not perfect.  I want to be perfect.  Perfect is not just accuracy of action, it is a state of being... a state of mind... an ideal that we chase even though it is impossible to ever reach it.  I have always been of the school of thought that if you put all of your effort into something impossible, you will be closer to it than if you didn't try at all.

Perfection is complete love, adoration, and obedience.  It is putting her desires to the forefront of my mind at all times.  I will fail.  I always do.  My best intentions are never enough to take me there. 

Perfection is the ideal attitude... always eager to please and happy simply for the chance to serve.  I comply not out of fear but because my perfect self is happy to be useful to her.  I will fail.  I always do.  It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but it will happen.  I guarantee it.

Perfection is the purity of my desire to see her happy.  The purity of placing her needs above mine.  The purity of graciously accepting what she gives to me and never desiring anything beyond that.  I will fail.  I always do.

Perfection is executing every act with total accuracy, mastery, proficiency, and speed.  It is only showing the best version of my capabilities.  It is doing every in just the right way every time.  I will fail.  I always do.

I am okay if she expects me to be perfect.  This means that she believes in my potential and has faith that I can be the best version of my ideal submissive.  That is the goal that I chase.  I feel if I reach it that I will have worth and be proud of myself.  I seek it because it will make her the most happy with me.  If I find it, I may even feel worthy of her love.

To me, punishment shows her faith in my potential.  It shows her willingness to be patient with my shortcomings and guide me to the right path.  She saves me from mediocrity and helps me improve myself in my constant quest for perfection. 


I am not a masochist.  I do not crave her disappointment.  I suffer when I let her down.  I suffer when I fail my expectations I have for myself.

I may never be perfect but I want to be.  Perfection is what she deserves.