Thursday, October 26, 2017

Fetish Control

strokemetillipurr wrote a post on Fetishes today that I found quite lovely.  Actually, it filled me with envy and questions of what if?  It got me thinking about how I feel about my fetishes.

The first thing I would say is that if I had a friend like the author back when I was suffering in agony and hating my fetishes... that I would probably be a much happier person today.  I genuinely mean that.

As a whole, you will find it incredibly common for people sharing the same fetish to band together on the internet, forming communities to congregate in and interact with one another.  These communities, by and large, get by due to anonymity and the feelings that no one has to hold back.  The long-time members of these communities will often know each other for a VERY long time and stay in contact through the rise and fall of half a dozen communities.

I've dabbled a bit in these communities but my fetishes are a bit different than what is common and the result is that I often find it a bit difficult to fit in.  The other problem is that as these fetish communities peak in size is that number of people with questionable manners often become a problem.  This results in a strictly monitored environment, ensuring that everyone stays "on topic."  My fetish is very personal to me (although I don't mind sharing about it) and I end up using these communities to try and make internet friends.  You know, people you have something in common with but enjoy interacting with in various ways.  Some communities are less restrictive with others, but I have encountered some where you weren't allowed to mention a book, movie, or television show, unless that specific media included the the fetish.  In the cases where it was in the movie/book/show, you were also then limited to talking about the fetish scenes and not about the work as a whole.

I rarely find one that I feel comfortable enough to stay in for more than a year.  I can't tell if I'm an alien.  In most cases, they are a lot more at peace with their fetishes than I am.  I kind of envy their "I don't care what others think" attitude.  I think a lot of the enthusiasm comes from a lifetime of burying their secret and that community being their safe haven and outlet.

I did a LOT of research over the years on fetishes, fetish development, and psychiatric methods of treating fetishists.  If I remember correctly, the generally accepted understanding of fetish development is something along the lines of, "repeated sexual fantasies about or including a particular theme/item."  Most fetishists were drawn to their fetish at a young age.  Often they new that they were different and embarrassed by it.  The shame makes them keep it secret from the world, and this can lead to secret obsession.  The obsession leads to the fetish. 

To the best of my knowledge, it is impossible to get rid of a fetish.  Once it is there, it is there for life.  The strength of the fetish and how it affected your developing sexuality during puberty is also a factor.  For the lucky ones, they can still perform in a "normal" sexual way.  For the less fortunate, they need the fetish item/theme present (at least in fantasy) in order to achieve sexual gratification.
Nearly every fetishist I have ever known has at some point attempted to purge the fetish from themselves during a depressed state full of "I hate myself and just wish I could be normal" thoughts.  They will throw away all of their fetish-related items, delete their collection of pictures/erotica, and avoid visiting their normal fetish related sites, emails, messenger accounts, etc.  Most of them have tried this multiple times over their lifetime.  It always comes back, frequently with a vengeance.
A fetishist knows they aren't normal.  Where this comes from is either from actual experiences or fear of potential experiences where they will be ridiculed and rejected for their fetish.  Relationships are the most terrifying of all.  It is common for someone to hide it and wait to share it with their spouse until either they are caught, or they have been together long enough that it is unlikely that it would cause a divorce.  The male/female distribution of people with fetishes isn't a kind one for relationships.  Most of the psychiatric community believes that there are no women fetishists.  I tend to believe that they make up ~1-2% of fetishists.  So... 98% men / 2% women, and that isn't even breaking down the fetishes into their respective categories.

Why aren't there more women fetishists?  There are a number of reasons.  Women are often able to explore their own sexual interests more easily.  They don't live in an environment like toxic masculinity that will shame, degrade, and even physically harm those that are different.  This allows a woman to fantasize about something without the same type of guilt or shame that will develop a closet obsession.

Another reason is that women tend to respond more to context and environment than men do.  They are less likely to look at a picture that includes a desired object/theme and get aroused.  They are more likely to craft a fantasy with characters, interactions, and events that include the desired object/theme.  Basically, it's a much more balanced form of arousal and they are more likely to change it up rather than repeat the same one over and over again.  However, this also explains the higher percentage of female spanking fetishists than in most other fetish communities.

A third reason is that many commonly fetishized objects can be enjoyed and appreciated by women quite easily without a problem.  e.g. part of what breeds a man's fetish for women's shoes or boots is that it feels forbidden and taboo and creates an obsession.  A woman can simply buy and wear women's shoes or boots.  A woman can also buy and wear men's shoes or boots without a problem.  Basically, the gender environment is so different that fetish development is far less likely to happen.

Now... why I called this post Fetish Control, is because that is the route I have attempted to take over the course of my life.  I created my fetishes early on.  They were the first and only thing I fantasized about, and low and behold, they are necessary (at least in fantasy) for me to achieve arousal.  This brought me great shame for most of my life.  The reasons for my shame are because I kept them secret after being shamed for being drawn to them earlier in life.  It was spelled out for me, "people will think you are a freak and no one will like you."

By the time I was dating age, the idea of sex terrified the living hell out of me.  I held this secret hope that touching a girl's breast or kissing her would instantly "cure" me of my fetish and I would be able to perform normally when it came to sexual acts.  This was over-shadowed by the looming fear that I woudln't be able to get it up, they would laugh at me, tell everyone about it, and I would never have another date for the rest of high school.  To combat this I began focusing on the emotional care and companionship aspects of relationships.  Getting to know someone deep down was my greatest goal.  I didn't think about sex at all.  It was too terrifying and would actually trigger PTSD symptoms.  (Un)Fortunately, it was never a factor, seeing as I kissed one girl in high school once and never got farther.  Definitely unfortunately, it meant this unknown fear would continue on through college.

I did not admit my fetishes to a single person until I was 24. Thankfully, the first woman I had a sexual relationship was an absolutely kinky minx that had boatloads of kinks that bordered on fetishes.  I was a coward and didn't admit to my fetishes until after we became emotionally involved, but everything went okay, although my greatest fears were indeed confirmed.  As circumstances have always managed to tear my life apart, I have had the misfortune of having to start over repeatedly.  Each time it brought about the same terror, but I have started bringing it up early on, letting her know of my sexual quirks.  It still makes me feel neurotic and screwed up.  Every time.

I no longer try to control the fetishes.  I have given up on trying to get rid of them.  I still haven't accepted myself fully and consider it unfortunate that I have them.

When I read that post today all I could think of is, damn, if only I had a friend like you when I was younger.  I might not have felt so messed up for the majority of my life and would probably have more confidence and like myself a lot better than I do.  Thank you for that post, it was inspiring.

Temperament and Patience

I have been in contact with a lot of people who struggle with the pace of developing D/s.  These are just some thoughts that might help.

“I want more.  I want more, now.”

This feeling is very common.  Sometimes it comes from a taste.  Usually it comes from a taste and then jumping ahead in time and developing unreasonable (for now) fantasies that resemble couples that have been together for a decade.  For newer subs, your new sub is basically, a child.

While you were growing up, you probably were scolded countless times about what to do or not to do.  At the time, you didn’t want to listen.  Sit up straight.  Don’t sit so close to the TV.  Eat your vegetables.  Brush your teeth.  Go get some exercise.  Don’t read in the dark.  Don’t spoil your appetite with junk food.

As you get older, you build awareness and start seeing the importance of these mandates.  With bad posture you send out body language signals and eventually develop back problems.  Sitting too close to the TV strains your eyes.  Vegetables are important for managing your long-term health and well-being.  Teeth do in fact stain and rot.  Sedentary living hurts you in more ways than one.
As an adult you realize the wisdom in these words.  Kids don’t know any better.

Entering D/s it is important to acknowledge that you are a “child” version of a submissive.  There will be tons of mandates that will trigger a child-like response.  You don’t know the reason.  You can’t see why it is important.  Why should you have to listen to it?  “Yet.” Yet is the most important concept you can embrace.

Subs who have reached their “adult” version understand why.  They can explain it to the “younger” subs.  The “younger” subs frequently resist, not wanting to acknowledge the importance of these words.  The result is that each new generation tends to repeat the same mistakes before reaching their submissive “adulthood.”  Growth takes time.  It will not happen overnight.  Your sub doesn’t go from the virtual age of 6 to 40 in a day, a week, or a month.

Mistakes will be made.  Lessons will be learned.  Ideally, the truly destructive path will be avoided.  It is all part of the process.

A comparison I made that a friend of mine liked is candy.  I’m certain there are kids that would love to live on an all candy diet.  It tastes good.  The sugar rush is fun.  They don’t see the tooth decay, weak bones, stunted growth, and diabetes that would be the result of such a diet.  They want to live in the now.

Adults learn to appreciate candy.  They know they can’t eat it all the time, so they resist the basic urges and choose when to reward themselves.  They savor it and truly enjoy its flavor.  They begin to see the value of quality vs. quantity, etc.

So to the newer subs out there, just be careful with what you are diving into.  I know that resisting the urge is hard, but it will get easier the more that you grow to understand why.  Those of us who tell you to be patient are just looking out for what you do not yet see.

The longer you go, the more you will find ways to turn your submission outward.  You will yearn to be pleasing more than to have your inward desires fed.  You will grow to trust in your dominant that your needs will be met.  Nothing I can tell you now will “flip a switch” inside you and make you feel this.  It is a slow process of growth, but it is good to be aware of what lies ahead.

As a side note, I went through this process too.

A description of how submissive mental space works

This is pretty redundant here but I wrote this for Wordpress.

Missy over at The SafeworD/s Club wrote a follow up to my Separating self and spaces post.  Reading that and the comments made me feel like revisiting a topic that I have written about in the past.  It seems there isn’t a lot of talk on mental spaces in general.  Like the other post, I am going to use subspace in place of submissive mental space.  This is how I have traditionally used the term and prefer it this way.

Anyone can feel free to disagree with this post.  Just please tell me what it is you disagree with and  why:)

“Being in subspace” is a very generic description.  Sort of like the phrase “being in love” doesn’t imply enough.  Madly in love?  A deep crush?  Soulmates?  Lust at first sight?  Like love, with subspace there are many different degrees, intensities, and levels that speak to different parts of our submissive selves.  It is rarely static, and how you feel in one moment can change to the next depending upon the events and environment.

I like to compare subspace to a swimming pool.  It has a shallow end and a deep end.  When in the pool, you can maneuver into deeper or shallower waters from where you are.  You can jump or be pushed into the pool and land in different depths. The deeper you go, the more submissive you feel and the less of your “self” is present in your thoughts and motives.  The deepest you can reach is slavespace, where you nearly cease to exist as a person and feel more like an object or tool.  In the shallowest of spaces you may just experience arousal, feeling playful, and wanting to seduce, be seduced, physical contact, etc.  I believe when most people “feel submissive,” they are lingering in the medium depth waters.

Triggers are the key to your starting point.  A strong trigger may have you landing immediately in deep subspace.  A very weak trigger such as a glance or a singular associative word may have you just gliding into the shallow end.  Triggers also function within the pool.  Each additional trigger applied to a submissive in subspace will take them deeper.  Subs that are in deep space must be coerced back from the depths, or in the case of a male, an orgasm flings them out of the pool.

The practical application of this varies for people.  I think understanding how submissive you feel in relative depths is very beneficial to people who are newer to the lifestyle.  I think it is very important for dominants to have an understanding of the strength of the triggers they apply to be able to guide a sub to their desired depth.  It may even be useful early on for a sub to assign a numerical or descriptive “value” to how they are feeling at a given time so that the dominant can make note of physical/visual cues as well as behavioral traits.  e.g. 1 is shallow, 10 is slave, responding with a 4 is medium but an 8 is very deep.  You may find you enjoy completely different activities depending upon your depth and that certain activities will shift your depth.

Overall, I think the biggest things to take from this is that the depth of your subspace will vary and that it is always in motion, moving to shallower or deeper waters as it responds to what is going on around you.  Your starting depth may set the tone for things, but you will be in constant flux.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Pieces Part 2: Fur

Sort of surprised I missed this in the other post, but what I have found rather interesting is that fur affects me in different ways.

Fur on a woman caters to my normal submissive self.
Fur on me or its touch triggers my little. 

Just a random note that seemed core enough to my identity to share.


Normally I would pick a title that is cliche, something like “picking up the pieces” or “putting the pieces together,” but that doesn’t fit.  I’m just sort of noticing the pieces that weren’t there before.  I had either blocked them out, denied their existence, or just was too blind to notice them.  Sorry if this sounds like a repeat of an earlier post.  I am trying to figure this out.

I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of being little.  I really hadn’t been exposed to littles until a year or two ago.  It wasn’t very common in my local scene and when I was only reading/writing on Blogger there wasn’t a lot of crossover between F/m and M/f.  Most of my references to them before that point came from Dommes blasting men who wanted to be littles and saying they had no desire to “raise another child.”  About the only cases where I found male littles being accepted were from pro dominatrixes that were mostly accepting of littles… for only $250 or more per hour.  In F/m they were also painted mostly as adult babies or people with lactation or diaper fetishes.

This caused a great deal of mental resistance to the idea.  I already perceived myself as a sissy, which had enough hate raining down on it that I didn’t really care to be associated with yet another undesirable label.  When I started interacting in more mixed groups I inherently came into contact with quite a few female littles.  I was able to talk to them and get a much more accurate impression about what it is about.  A while later I was also able to finally meet a couple of male littles that had partners that would allow them to let that side of them surface, albeit on a limited basis.  They were switches and would get maybe 4-8 hours a month of space time.

After some conversations with both them and some caregivers I was pretty firmly convinced that I was not one.  Littles are happy.  Littles are mostly non-sexual.  Littles are “submissive” in a childlike way, looking up to an authority figure.  None of these sounded anything like me.  “That sounds like PTSD,” I was told and I couldn’t argue with it.

What I currently perceive as my little space was something I had always mistaken for slavespace.  The behavior, the inability to resist or say no, and the frantic desire to please and be useful were linked to this.  I can count the number of people I have met that can truly enter slavespace on one hand.  You don’t find that many of them on the internet.  The ones I had met in real life through BDSM scenes were not allowed to use a computer, the internet, a phone, etc., so I had always felt it was like looking for an Amish dating website.  I did manage to interact with one who was currently not owned and another who was asked to read something I wrote and give their take on it.  Both were very emotionally aware and articulate and I came to learn that what I thought was my slavespace is very different than theirs.  When I really thought about it, it made a lot of sense.  While my external behavior and sexual response may have been similar, the internals didn’t match up.

While I have experienced what they had described when pushed VERY hard, the space that I was accustomed to thinking was it had to be something else.

So just what did that mean?  I pretty much ignored this question for over a year.
This year had a series of traumatic memories return to me.  I wrote them out and was able to somewhat heal from them.  Well, heal isn’t the right word.  I learned to accept the trauma that was responsible for a particular part of my current being.

Reaching my little space is entirely dependent upon triggers.  These triggers are nearly all linked to traumatic and pivotal experiences from my youth.  These include but are not limited to:
  • Having my genitals made fun of.
  • Having to wear any kind of winter hat, but most noticeably girls or womens.
  • Having to wear earmuffs.
  • Being put into isolation or time-out.
  • Being deceived, tricked, or manipulated by false kindness.
  • Phrases like, “this is for your own good,” “this is to keep you safe,” and the like.
  • Being denied speaking privileges and other forms of communication.
  • Being given an impossible task.
  • Being called a sissy, girl, gayboy, fag, bitch, etc.
There is a mountain of abuse to draw from. There is a mountain of shame to draw from.
My little believes itself to be unwanted and lacking desirable qualities.  It feels twisted and ugly.  It tries to make up for it by desperately wanting to please.  If an authority figure gives it attention, it adores them and will do anything to please them.  My little will push itself neurotically to please them.  Failure triggers its fear of abandonment, so it will accept any form of rule or punishment as long as it won’t be left alone.

My little does not expect to be treated well.  Kindness creates cognitive dissonance and feels dishonest.  Fairness feels kind.  Cruelty feels normal and consistent with its view of itself.  Punishments feel justified.  “Reminders of its place” feel like favors, because it wants to stay pleasing always.

Because M managed to trigger this space in me when I was young (she would put a hat on me as a blindfold/mask), and I began my sexuality fantasizing around her, a lot of this got linked.  I realize now that my early masturbation fantasies were always about feeling helpless… they were all from my little’s point of view.  The end result is that my little is always aroused, and will constantly attempt arousal if locked in chastity.

This doesn’t sound like any little I have ever met before.  It differs greatly from my adult submissive space in the way that it thinks.   My adult submissive is a bit playful, very affectionate, and thinks rational thoughts.  My little, thinks only in desperation.   Everything feels desperate.

I feel pretty safe that I can abandon the idea of being a sissy.  I have no femininity in me.  I have no desire to be woman-like.  I never really responded to being forced to wear a bra, panties, stockings, or lingerie.  While I found them humiliating, they were dwarfed by the items that trigger my little space. The funniest thing is that I think being called a sissy was a trigger because of its level of cognitive dissonance at not wanting to be one. This changes things, but it doesn’t really feel any different.
I am still who I am.  I don’t even know if little is something I should advertise.  I also don’t want anyone to feel guilty for “bullying” my little.  I am just me… something I had pretty much come to terms with yesterday.

Trying to summarize things for my own peace of mind: I am not a sissy.  I am not a slave.  I am a submissive.  I am a little.  My little is a submissive.  These are the pieces.

I have to mull this over a bit.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Hitting the Wall

I'm sorry about that little outburst in the last post.  After having a chance to calm myself I can tell exactly what happened.

My mania just crashed.  Hard.

In hindsight it is clear as day.  The last 3-4 days have had a tension buildup that I was sensing but couldn't quite place.  I want to apologize to anyone out there that I have interacted with over the past couple of days and managed to offend.  I got really out of control and just started riding feelings rather than paying attention to how I was acting and what I was saying.

I'm currently feeling the pangs of regret in knowing that I made an ass of myself on more than one occasion.  The good news is, you won't have to deal with me making 3, 4, or 5 posts a day :D

I’ll Take Emo Word Vomits for $800, Alex

I’m sitting here and wondering if I am a bad person inside.

I like helping people.  Is this only because I like how it feels to make an impact?  Am I just trolling for people to be grateful to me and make me feel appreciated?

I’m feeling disconnected from myself.  I can’t tell why I do what I do.  I can’t tell who I am.

I know this is momentary.  I know it will pass.  I just feel completely confused and out of control in a wave that has decimated my understanding of self.

I haven’t felt this way in a very long time.  I don’t remember what I’m supposed to do.

Continuing the Journey to self-understanding

I’ve been interacting with so many new people lately, I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to keep everything straight.  That being said, I love meeting new people.  New views.  New questions.  New answers.  New perspectives.  I love to learn.  I love to share.

I’ve been getting asked a lot of questions lately about my role in D/s.  I’ve been answering them in the same way but the feedback I’m getting is new to me.  I’m learning more about myself.
I don’t think what I thought was my slavespace is actual slavespace.  I have way too much “self” in it, even if the external behavior is similar.  I do not think I am a slave.

I don’t think I am a sissy.  I don’t think I ever really was.  I think that my triggers got so twisted up that I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  I took on the name and wrote about it because I was hoping to come to terms with it and stop hating myself.  I was actually asked to define what a sissy was.  I described it as best I could, giving it a generic description and letting them know how there were different types.  I went on to describe how it differed from a transvestite and a cross-dresser.  The thought became clear to me: this isn’t me.  I don’t enjoy it for what it is, nor did I ever want it.  I am not a sissy.

I am really starting to believe that I am a little.  I am not a happy little.  My little doesn’t give me a break from the world.  Having unearthed the memories this past year about the hat and earmuffs humiliations, those experiences were trauma.  Those are my triggers to my little space.  I become that humiliated and bullied little boy, broken to shyness, desperate for love and acceptance.  These experiences were galvanized and sexualized by my experiences with M and my masturbatory habits that followed.  My little resembles a slave in the way that he is broken and will obey authority without resistance… and actually an eagerness to show how good he is and fearing the terror of being left behind.

My little is a submissive.  It is not just that my little has a submissive personality, but my little is a submissive.  This explains a lot.  The arousal.  The humiliation.  The mental space that has been so confusing to me over the years.  My little may even be a slave, or is at least broken to accept only the bare minimum of attention.  It believes all of the negativity it has been fed.  It cannot see itself in any other way.  It accepts its station in life.

I have a submissive persona that retains my adult self.  It is a bit more mild in its submission.  It responds to bondage.  It responds to body worship.  It responds to sex. This is a separate person to my little.  They think differently.  They behave differently.  They respond differently.

My mind is feeling rather stretched while trying to get to the bottom of this.  It shatters my understanding of myself.  I will have to sort through all of this and redefine.  What I know to be me, is no longer.

Trapped in Space

One of the more interesting aspects of submissive mental space is that with the right triggers in hand, you can create a self-perpetuating loop that will force the sub to remain trapped in space.  This is often done by a set of rules used in conjunction with one another that force the sub to endure something that they do not want.  An example might be, being ordered to dress in embarrassing clothing or forced to be naked with penalties for not remaining as instructed.  This keeps them constantly aware of their situation which will repeatedly activate the triggers that keep them immersed in subspace.

This will differ from sub to sub but one of the common factors I am finding is that it should force the submissive into a state of self-consciousness.  This prevents a sub from retreating into a selfless “joys of service” mindset and instead generates cognitive dissonance to keep them off balance.  While they may wish for whatever is tormenting them to stop, having a far worse punishment in place for refusing to endure can keep them bouncing back and forth between present worries and future threats.

Having experienced this quite often at length, it is a glorious kind of hell.

Separating Self and Spaces

In the past couple of weeks I have been helping a number of people with the same subject and I figured it would be worth making a post of it.

For the sake of ease, I’m going to make use of my own version of the term “subspace” that I have used for years because I will go crazy if I have to continuously type “submissive mental space” to contrast that against the endorphin high definition you find in most guides.  So for the sake of this post, if I write subspace, I mean submissive mental space.

Another key point here is that there are noun and adjective versions of these words:
  • submissive the adjective = ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.
  • submissive the noun = a person who submits to another (in this context, to a dominant).
  • dominant the adjective = important, powerful, or influential.
  • dominant the noun = a person who dominates another (in this context, over a submissive).
Subspace is an altered mental space that falls at the core of submission.  It is not a mindset.  It is not a feeling.  It is a different persona within you that is separate from your rational vanilla self.  Subspace is more easily noticeable in submissives that have a strong vanilla persona, but even people with shy or subdued vanilla personas still have a subspace. It is separate and it is different from who you are in public.  e.g. alpha CEO by day, submissive/slave behind closed doors is an extreme example.
Two things stand out about subspace:
  1. It is sexual.  You will be aroused.
  2. It rewrites the way that you behave, process information, and perceive the world.
Arousal is often the great differentiating point between someone that has a “submissive personality” vs. someone that is “feeling like a submissive.”  When you enter subspace, you will be aroused.
The rewriting of perception is a bit different and harder to describe.  It’s easier to illustrate it with an example.  The dominant orders you to kneel and places a collar around your neck.  You get hit with a wave of emotion and fall into subspace.  When in subspace, the dominant may seem so much bigger and more important than before.  You might feel smaller.  Their words carry more weight.  You lose your ability to resist.  If they scold you, you feel bad and want to cry (whereas in your vanilla person you might tell them to fuck off).  Your desires shift to be pleasing to them and see them happy.  You find yourself aching for their approval.  Right and wrong become something else.  The rest of the world seems unimportant.

Have you ever felt anything like that before? If yes, you have experienced subspace.  You became someone else.  Your submissive self.

Discovering how your submissive self works is a matter of understanding the boundaries of your subspace as well as its triggers.  While I have written about triggers recently, a brief breakdown is that subspace triggers are acts, words, phrases, rituals, rules, ideas, objects, environments that cause you to shift into subspace from your vanilla persona.

In most cases, these triggers will either be related to a particular fetish, trauma, or they can also be rooted in themes/symbols.  A collar symbolizing control and ownership.  A kneeling ritual to symbolize status and devotion.  A type of embrace to show protection and care.  A forceful command.  An embarrassing act.  Often, the verbal reminder of why an act is being performed is enough.  These “speak to” your submission and can do anything from nudge you to shove you into subspace.

A continuous use of triggers over an extended period of time can ensure that a sub will remain in subspace or even fall deeper into it.  Done right, it requires minimal work and there are ways to make it self-perpetuating.  If a collar drives their subspace, attach a bell and tell them that every time they hear it jingle they are supposed to remember that they are owned.  This may very well keep them fully immersed in subspace even in the absence of directly dominant acts.

On the other side of the coin are dominants.  Dominants, like submissives, also have a dominant mental space (domspace) which is separate from their vanilla persona.  This explains how a dominant can be mild, gentle, and polite as their vanilla self and intense and sadistic in their dominant persona.
Also similar to subspace, domspace involves arousal and emergence of a dominant persona.  This may be harder to notice in someone who has an alpha vanilla persona, but this is where they become a dominant instead of just having a dominant personality.

Domspace can also have triggers that will assist in or fully activate their dominant persona.  These often just fall into things they like to do or rules they may have chosen to cater to their domspace, but a submissive can also attempt to forcibly activate their domspace if they know their triggers.
I would try to write more about domspace triggers but seeing as I don’t have a domspace, I feel I am better off keeping it as general as I can.

Finding out your individual spaces and their triggers can take some time.  It can take longer if your subspace or domspace run very closely to your vanilla personas.  It is also very valuable for a submissive to share as much knowledge of their subspace triggers with the dominant as they can.  This is sometimes a difficult and embarrassing thing to do, but dominants aren’t mind-readers and giving them the confidence to be dominant works a lot better than having them guess through trial and error.

Dominants may wish to keep some feeling of mystery and avoid sharing their triggers with the submissive.  However, in cases where dominants and submissives seem to have trouble finding their footing together, especially with newer or inexperienced dominants, it may be wise for them to share the way their space works with their sub.  That way the submissive can try to provide an environment that is conducive to the dominant’s domspace.

Hopefully someone will find this helpful.

Thoughts on my reality

I realize now that a post I made recently may have done the opposite of what I intended.  I had hoped to help but I think it may have felt like I was diminishing their existence.  I am frustrated with myself that I didn’t see this interpretation before I posted it and I have spent the last couple of days thinking about what I didn’t see.  I figured it out earlier today:  my reality is different from theirs.

I forgot about this and that is my fault.

I have never felt desirable.  I have never had someone want me for my looks, my body, my car, money or status, or anything like that.  I have never had anyone want me for my abilities or because I was a part of a team or a band.  I do not know what it is like to be desired, and especially, I do not know what it is like to be desired for wrong or empty reasons.

As I have found myself starting over several times since I entered this lifestyle (something I had hoped I would never have had to do).  Having been in both online and local communities, spending months upon months searching for a partner, you get a feel for what people find desirable.  While I know that personal connection and love trumps all, those are things that must be found and nurtured over time.  The start of the process is not so kind because of what people have to go on.  Online, it’s who we are on paper.  In the real world, it’s about how we look.

Online searches always start with the idea of us.  It is not us.  Not who we are, but the idea of what we are.  The concept of desirable starts here. There is an inherent inequality between who desires and who is desired.  Supply and demand plays a large part.  Gender and role serve as the basic filter.  Dominant women are the rarest.  Male submissives, the most numerous.  Those who are particularly beautiful or handsome have the greatest superficial draw.  After that it falls to race, age, interests, and how we present ourselves.  People with the most common and sought after interests rise. Those with less desirable interests or interests that carry negative stereotypes fall.

A lot of filtering goes on before anyone ever sees who we are.  A lot of filtering goes on before anyone even cares about who we are.  This isn’t the right way that things should be, but it is how I perceive reality.

Those who are most sought after will get worn down by volume.  The balance for this is availability and options.  They will have every option in the world to choose from.  Even if 99% of them are bad, it still yields many options from only that top 1%.  This is empowering.  It can also be frustrating.  It could be worse.

Those who are the least sought after will get worn down in different ways.  No one writes to them, so they must make the first move, knowing they are one of one-thousand who chose to write that day.  How do you separate yourself?  In this type you are wholly dependent upon the impression you can make with your words and your self-portrayal.  You try to be as honest and genuine as you can.  You try to give an accurate picture of yourself, highlighting your strengths while admitting your weaknesses.  You try to be interesting.  When you feel good about what you have written, it dawns on you: many people lie about themselves on their profile.  All the time and effort goes in only to hope that someone will care enough to dig further and if they dig, they will actually believe you.  You have no leverage.  You have no bargaining power.  You are at the mercy of it all.  You have no options.  It is the desired that has the options.

In D/s, I am one of the undesirables.  I am a male sub.  I am not handsome.  I’m short. I am a minority.  I have kinks that relate to feminization.  Each of these characteristics diminishes interest in me, yet none of them summarize who I am.  Who I am is never seen, because I never clear the bar.  I am virtually invisible.

I have always wondered what it would feel like to be one of the desired.  To have a specific quality, characteristic, or role that would automatically propel me to the top of the list of someone’s potentials.  In my imagination, I picture this as being a good thing.  Everyone has a reason to meet you.  Everyone that meets you has the potential to see the real you.  Everyone that sees the real you has the potential to be the one.

I can only picture the benefits but I lose sight of what I don’t know.  I can’t see the headaches or what this would do to a sense of self and sense of worth.  I can only guess.  I can’t see how prolonged experiences with having loads of options but finding none of them worthy would feel.  I can only guess.  I can’t truly understand what it is like to be desired for the wrong reasons.  I can only guess.

This is my reality.  I will be more careful in the future when trying to picture someone else’s.

Monday, October 23, 2017

My Ultimate Cognitive Dissonance: Chastity

Since I have been writing a lot about triggers and cognitive dissonance lately, I thought it would be appropriate for me to share.  Chastity creates the largest type of internal conflict within me out of probably anything within the lifestyle.

Since I know that I have a lot of female readers, it is difficult to adequately describe in an empathetic way just how a chastity device affects a male.  A chastity device doesn’t prevent you from getting horny, it prevents you from getting fully erect.  The male body will still TRY to get erect.  Any “wiggle room” in the tube will be filled.  Any part of the blood vessels that cause the penis to go erect that are impeded will become erect.  E.g. if it is a trapped ball cage device, the base of the penis that sits behind the ring will get fully erect, but the pleasure zones within the cage will not.  That being said, the cage itself provides pressure on the “good spots,” and attempted erections will cause the penis to produce pre-cum.  This is the cause for dribbling and drippage that is commonly referenced to in lifestyle chastity.

What this does is actually make a male acutely aware of his erection attempts.  It builds sexual frustration exponentially because your body WANTS it, but is denied.  The erection attempt will often last for a prolonged period of time, which still redirects blood flow from the brain as it would during a normal erection.  Basically, a chastity device does not reduce sexual desire, if anything, it builds it.

Over time, this creates a progressive state of desperation and a “five stages of grief” type of emotional scenario: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  Since it is healthy for the prostate to be emptied regularly in order to avoid toxin buildup, there exist milking techniques designed to relieve the male of retained semen with or without a pleasurable orgasmic ejaculation.  When performed without pleasure, the prostate is drained but the sexual frustration is not alleviated.
About the closest thing that I could ever envision for a parallel to a woman is the idea of a device that blocks the clitoris from fully expanding.  When the clitoris attempts to expand it would press against a firm surface, causing pressure and friction to keep it in a semi-aroused state.  This then would continue with an orgasm being impossible without the device being removed.  Such a device doesn’t exist.

How is this attractive in the slightest?  That depends heavily upon if you are the one in the device or the one holding the key to the device.

To answer any question about this outright, it is part of my belief in D/s that when I submit, I trust her enough to give her control of my sexual organ.  It is hers to control and while I have my desires, I trust that she will make decisions about my release and relief that are for the good of the relationship.
Herein lies my terror.  This is where my brain breaks down completely.  This is where my submissive self, my idealized submissive self, and my rational self end up in a battle royale.  No one wins, nor does winning have any bearing on the outcome (which is hers).

If I truly believe that my purpose is to be absolutely pleasing to her, it is easy to know what path is righteous.  This is the goal of my submissive heart.  This is my idealized submissive self that I want to actualize.  To become this submissive, how often should I orgasm?  The answer is easy.  Never.
When a male has an orgasm, two things happen:  1) there is a brief period where his body acts on pure selfish instinct and 2) he falls out of mental space.  The reload time of achieving submissive mental space varies greatly from person to person and there are means to set it back in motion very quickly, but it doesn’t change the fact that it requires a build up to reach the same attentiveness that it was at just minutes before the orgasm.  It also doesn’t change the fact that for a few brief moments, I stopped thinking about her.  I wanted it for me.  It felt good.  It was all about me.  I find this notion to be extremely unromantic and I feel guilty in its presence.  It means that I violated my own principles.

Cue the struggles.  Yes, I just said the best way to manage me as a sub is to have me orgasm, NEVER.  Deep breath.  The fact that I know this makes me feel like withholding this knowledge is the same as lying.

Some people use chastity release as a carrot: be well-behaved, be obedient, and provide excellent service for a period of time and you will earn release and an orgasm.  This is a sound theory, but unnecessary in my idealized form of submission.  Why should I need any type of external motivation to be well-behaved, obedient, or to serve well?  I should do those things on my own if I am to be worthy of her.   Why should there be a need for any type of reward for me to perform the role I chose at the level that I promised I would?

This doesn’t mean that sex should be absent.  There are women that really enjoy PIV (penis in vagina) sex.  If she enjoys PIV sex, I would not wish to deny her that pleasure.  We can have sex, I just shouldn’t have an orgasm.  I should build enough endurance to last until she is totally satisfied and then we stop.  My brain is screaming at me right now.  “No, no, no, what are you saying?!  Don’t put this out there or it might happen.”

Setting the tone from the start that I will never have an orgasm reduces the need for complex rules and stipulations.  It alleviates me of unrealistic desires.  It solidifies the concept that I should worry only about her pleasure.  It pounds the idea into my head that I should never bother to hope or ask for an orgasm.  This will cut down on me being annoying and desperate.  I will be desperate in silence.

I like orgasms.  I love having erections.  Giving her the power to take them away terrifies me.  I also know that it is the right thing to do if I truly want to submit to her from the bottom of my heart.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Thoughts on Expectations in D/s

So much of D/s involves transitioning your submissive self away from the internal submissive desires (what will you do to me?) to external focuses (what can I do for you?).  This often serves as the balancing act, preventing you from treading into the dangerous realm of "do me sub" or "wanker" labels and turning your attention to the practical and beneficial aspects of lifestyle submission.  It is viewed as a positive to be eager with your service rather than ache for your desires.

I read a question today that someone uses as their "check mechanism" for their submissive mindset (credit to Toraprincess).  The question was, and I may not be quoting it exactly, was, "are you looking to submit or are you wanting to be dominated?"  This is another important mindset when looking at D/s as a lifestyle.  What you want to offer freely is seen as far more valuable than what you wish to be taken.

I do not think it is a bad thing for the bulk of our mental training to be focused upon what we want to give and how we want to please someone else.  This approach is very pleasing to dominants and it keeps a submissive self focused and centered in a realistic and positive way.  When I advise newer subs, this is the path I steer them down.

Sometimes I get so focused on these mindsets that they are all I really see.  During these times I get ashamed of my other desires... the ones that don't directly benefit her.  I can tell that I am in a more balanced state now because I don't need a jarring wake-up call to remind me of something.  Often, it will take a blog or comments from an author such as Lady Grey or others that remind me of the other side.  A lot of dominants have their own set of needs and desires.

There are dominants that want to take.  They will take what is given freely and then some.  The idea fuels them.  They don't want to be fed, they want to hunt.  There are dominants that want to do anything and everything to you.  They thrive on inflicting every sexual and sensual torture they can think of.  The power fuels them.  They want to make demands and expect you to meet them.  They say, "jump."  You ask, "how high?"  They respond, "six inches higher than you are able to," and then watch as your brain processes the inevitability of planned failure.  You still have to jump, just to show them that you tried and experience the inevitable.

This is something to remember.  There are times when they want to hunt.  But we should be wary of our desire to be hunted.

Thoughts on Cognitive Dissonance

Another topic I have been covering in some private discussions lately is the idea of cognitive dissonance.

In its basic form, cognitive dissonance is mental anguish you experience when your brain battles itself.  In D/s, it frequently occurs in humiliation, when an act or verbal statement makes you feel something is true, but wish that it was not true.  This happens quite frequently as well when you get aroused at the act or idea of something that you don't want to be aroused from.  It can also occur when verbal reinforcement, symbolic response, or environmental responses arouse you during an unpleasant act.

Instigating cognitive dissonance is the most effective and powerful means of manipulating my submissive mental space.  It causes my mind to spiral out of control and I find myself plunged into the abyss... where I feel like I can only love and submit.

There is a term for when a dominant uses this technique and it is known as mind-fucking.  Mind-fucking is a very advanced technique but it's tricky because it can rarely be taught.  In most cases, the people that use it developed the ability naturally and they simply put it to use.  They can see people's insecurities, know how to expose them, and take pleasure in watching someone squirm, writhe, and get turned on, leading to a mildly confused and deeply submissive state.

It's rather glorious.

Thoughts on Verbal Triggers

I had a bit of a discussion yesterday with someone about verbal triggers and it got me thinking about it more.  Verbal triggers are quite fascinating to me because something that requires such little work can have such a great impact upon submissive mental space.

There are different ways this works.  Verbal reinforcement.  Providing motive and context.  Prying open insecurities.  Painting fantasies.  Instilling fear.  Waking desire.  Building anticipation.  These are all tools in the great big dominant tool box.

Most of these have the capacity to be used to trigger positive or negative feelings, and in some cases, both simultaneously.  Not only can these deepen your mental space, but they can also create associations.

Think of the phrase, "I love it when you're my dirty slut."  You might find yourself reeling at feeling cheap, perverse, and usable, but then warm at feeling pleasing, loved, and validated.  It is a case of feeling diminished to feel elevated, and it's an interesting feeling to say the least.  With the right reinforcement, feeling diminished can feel good.

Most of us have fantasies that we have shared with our partners, knowing they will remain only fantasies.  They go too far.  They push the limits to a potentially harmful extent.  Yet still, they work their way into our psyche and take hold.  Referencing these fantasies in the moment can create a sense of cognitive dissonance that brings about a mixture of fear and arousal that increases the depth of submission.

In other cases, there are times when an act does nothing for you until... they tell you why.  Why do you have to do this?  Because ________________.  Often the undesirable becomes a deep act of submission when the stage is set and your mind is set spinning into the depths.

Such is the glory of words.  They don't even have to be true, they just have to be chosen wisely in order to have an impact.