I had a small charge of excitement this morning when I logged into my blogger dashboard and saw my follower count at 100. Then I remembered that I was following my own blog (I'm lame like that) and that counted in the number so I guess I'm still at 99.
After 21 months and 370 posts I've almost reached that milestone.
A big thank you to everyone that reads my blog, posts comments, and follows. I hope your holidays are happy and safe.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
BDSM Concept - Meta-Consent
I have made several posts regarding the idea of meta consent, a term that I will credit Giles English of Chastity Belt Erotica for coining in the comments of one of my earlier related posts.
We all know that the foundation of most BDSM-oriented relationships is consent. In its most basic form, a submissive consents to be involved in certain activities with a Domme and the Domme consents to being involved with certain activities with the sub. In the BDSM community it is considered poor etiquette to expect or perform activities that fall outside of negotiated limits. e.g. A Domme isn't supposed to force a sub to have sex with another man unless that was previously agreed upon. A sub isn't supposed to expect a Domme to shit on his chest unless that was previously agreed upon.
Meta consent is a state where a sub consents to submitting to a Domme and in doing so, agrees to bear whatever she may do to him. Meta consent is usually reserved for more intense lifestyle Femdom relationships and Mistress/slave relationships. This generally requires quite a bit of trust by the sub that she will exercise good judgement and not subject him to things that may cause significant physical or emotional harm.
Basically, meta-consent consents to remove the need for consent for specific actions/activities, which I believe is a bit different from being non-consensual. This can often be a significant hurdle for Dommes if the two get confused.
In many situations, meta consent can lead to deeper levels of subspace by instilling fear of the unexpected and awareness that limits are no longer in play. In actual execution, limits are usually pushed and stretched and gradually increased over time rather than being abruptly shattered as this is in accordance with sound judgement in order to avoid PTSD.
We all know that the foundation of most BDSM-oriented relationships is consent. In its most basic form, a submissive consents to be involved in certain activities with a Domme and the Domme consents to being involved with certain activities with the sub. In the BDSM community it is considered poor etiquette to expect or perform activities that fall outside of negotiated limits. e.g. A Domme isn't supposed to force a sub to have sex with another man unless that was previously agreed upon. A sub isn't supposed to expect a Domme to shit on his chest unless that was previously agreed upon.
Meta consent is a state where a sub consents to submitting to a Domme and in doing so, agrees to bear whatever she may do to him. Meta consent is usually reserved for more intense lifestyle Femdom relationships and Mistress/slave relationships. This generally requires quite a bit of trust by the sub that she will exercise good judgement and not subject him to things that may cause significant physical or emotional harm.
Basically, meta-consent consents to remove the need for consent for specific actions/activities, which I believe is a bit different from being non-consensual. This can often be a significant hurdle for Dommes if the two get confused.
In many situations, meta consent can lead to deeper levels of subspace by instilling fear of the unexpected and awareness that limits are no longer in play. In actual execution, limits are usually pushed and stretched and gradually increased over time rather than being abruptly shattered as this is in accordance with sound judgement in order to avoid PTSD.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
How important is it for a Domme to understand a male's submission?
Something that has nagged at me a bit over the past few years is the importance of a Domme understanding the root of a male's submission. A better way of wording this might be: how well she understands his subspace triggers.
My Mistress was somewhat of a novice when we met. She had read books and writings on the consensual BDSM lifestyle but her background was mostly one of assuming every sub was a masochist and that every Domme should get off from spanking her sub. We have talked about things at length but concepts like mind fucking and maintaining subspace just don't happen naturally for her.
And for the question at hand, how important is it for a Domme to understand subspace triggers?
I can see two sides to this that pretty much epitomize the two sides of the D/s lifestyle (consensual vs. more of a meta-consent 24/7-ish style that I will call "hardline Femdom").
From a hardline Femdom standpoint, the understanding is unnecessary. It is more the sub's role to understand her dominance and expectations. She should do as she pleases and he should follow suit and do his best to make her happy at all costs.
From a consensual standpoint, the understanding is of great importance. For both individuals to achieve fulfillment in the relationship, they should be able to connect on many levels, especially this one. If an understanding of a male's subspace triggers isn't reached or if the male doesn't understand the Domme's dominance, the relationship isn't a good fit and they should search for other partners.
In theory, I would like to believe that the hardline Femdom view is reasonable. In theory. In actual practice, the consensual approach is probably closer to what can sustain a successful relationship. But the more that I think about it, I think I really went after the wrong question here.
If I had to guess what some of the more intense Dommes I have known would have probably said about this subject... that understanding a male's subspace triggers is of utmost importance, but using that knowledge for anything beyond exerting control is of little importance. Basically: use it to get his dick hard so he falls into subspace, shove him deeper into subspace so he can serve properly, and then ignore his penis unless it's part of what she wants to do. From a sub's standpoint, if the right types of subspace triggers are applied, it is likely that he will feel the submission he seeks and be fulfilled in serving.
If I did answer the wrong question I guess I'm not sure why this seemed confusing to me. Other questions surrounding this topic are relatively easy to answer. I guess I'm just trying to get a grasp on my own relationship and whether or not it can actually work in the long run.
My Mistress was somewhat of a novice when we met. She had read books and writings on the consensual BDSM lifestyle but her background was mostly one of assuming every sub was a masochist and that every Domme should get off from spanking her sub. We have talked about things at length but concepts like mind fucking and maintaining subspace just don't happen naturally for her.
And for the question at hand, how important is it for a Domme to understand subspace triggers?
I can see two sides to this that pretty much epitomize the two sides of the D/s lifestyle (consensual vs. more of a meta-consent 24/7-ish style that I will call "hardline Femdom").
From a hardline Femdom standpoint, the understanding is unnecessary. It is more the sub's role to understand her dominance and expectations. She should do as she pleases and he should follow suit and do his best to make her happy at all costs.
From a consensual standpoint, the understanding is of great importance. For both individuals to achieve fulfillment in the relationship, they should be able to connect on many levels, especially this one. If an understanding of a male's subspace triggers isn't reached or if the male doesn't understand the Domme's dominance, the relationship isn't a good fit and they should search for other partners.
In theory, I would like to believe that the hardline Femdom view is reasonable. In theory. In actual practice, the consensual approach is probably closer to what can sustain a successful relationship. But the more that I think about it, I think I really went after the wrong question here.
If I had to guess what some of the more intense Dommes I have known would have probably said about this subject... that understanding a male's subspace triggers is of utmost importance, but using that knowledge for anything beyond exerting control is of little importance. Basically: use it to get his dick hard so he falls into subspace, shove him deeper into subspace so he can serve properly, and then ignore his penis unless it's part of what she wants to do. From a sub's standpoint, if the right types of subspace triggers are applied, it is likely that he will feel the submission he seeks and be fulfilled in serving.
If I did answer the wrong question I guess I'm not sure why this seemed confusing to me. Other questions surrounding this topic are relatively easy to answer. I guess I'm just trying to get a grasp on my own relationship and whether or not it can actually work in the long run.
New Poll: What type of suffering do you prefer?
I haven't posted a poll in a while. The reason I removed the old polls and haven't really created new ones was because I wanted people to be able to vote for them over an extended period of time. Unfortunately, when I kept extending the time limit older votes began to vanish from the poll. This one will have a 2-week run.
The poll question is directed at both Dommes and subs in relation to emotional vs. physical suffering.
I'm curious if you have one that floats your boat more than the other or if you prefer to have both involved when suffering occurs.
Some examples of activities I would consider emotional suffering:
-Corner time
-Scolding
-Speech / eye contact restrictions
-Humiliation
-Mind fucking
Some examples of activities I would consider physical suffering:
-Spanking / flogging
-Bondage
-Orgasm denial / chastity
-CBT
-Nipple torture
The poll question is directed at both Dommes and subs in relation to emotional vs. physical suffering.
I'm curious if you have one that floats your boat more than the other or if you prefer to have both involved when suffering occurs.
Some examples of activities I would consider emotional suffering:
-Corner time
-Scolding
-Speech / eye contact restrictions
-Humiliation
-Mind fucking
Some examples of activities I would consider physical suffering:
-Spanking / flogging
-Bondage
-Orgasm denial / chastity
-CBT
-Nipple torture
Sexual Frustration as a Domination Tool
In the past I have written about the post-orgasm subspace crash and the difficulty for a sub to get "back on track" in its aftermath. I have also touched upon some of the characteristics of prolonged orgasm denial but I don't think I've gone very in depth about it.
So what exactly happens with denial and the resulting sexual frustration?
In small doses, a male kept on edge will increase in focus and attentiveness. This is one situation where the male cock actually helps obedience more than it hurts it. The cock has its innate desire to cum and correctly leads the sub to behave in accordance with what should make that happen.
What about when small doses become large doses, when that intense desire begins to grow beyond the typical male arousal?
It's hard to really describe this as it's a gradual process. There are several factors that all build up together. The early stage (stage 1) can be characterized by:
-Arousal surfaces more easily and more frequently. This will increase the sub's awareness of his own sexual frustration and what it will take to release.
-Focus increases, he will become more in tune with the desires of his Domme. He is sure that good behavior will lead to release.
-His body's awareness will heighten, smell and touch will become more sensitive. The slightest hint of sexuality will cause his body to tingle. The nipples become perky and sensitive.
As prolonged denial continues, more changes happen (stage 2):
-He will gradually become desperate. It will take less to make him agitated and anxious.
-His emotions will be magnified, especially in regards to the excitement brought about by anticipation and the suffering caused by disappointment.
If the pattern continues and emotional pressure is applied, the sub can be pressed to a deeper state (stage 3), but this may require the use of chastity:
-He will become high strung. The smallest gesture can drive him wild with desire or to crash into the depths of despair.
-If he stops believing he will be allowed release he will either cheat or fall into a state resembling depression, a broken man, defeated, and he will attempt to abandon his own will and surrender to her.
The advancement between stages is a process. It requires certain parts of his emotions and submission to reach their "limit" before his psyche discovers a new level of subspace. The speed at which this happens can be accelerated or decelerated by the Domme, but his emotional and submissive characteristics and libido will affect the overall pace of the transition.
With knowledge of the stages in place, there are ways to exert greater control and exploit his weaknesses. This is especially effective if trying to change his behavioral patterns.
-Mind fucks will wield a significant amount of power. His emotions will be thrown into complete disarray and he will react with a mix of panic and desperation. This is a prime state if you wish to induce tears without having to lift a finger.
-His motivation and drive will be off the charts, especially if it's implied that this is the path to release. Failure is not an option. e.g. if he's sent on a task to pick up some obscure specialty item without guidance upon where to find it, he may spend countless hours and drive all over the place in order to find it when during normal times he may simply give up and take a punishment.
-He can be shoved into ever-increasingly deep level of subspace. If given a glimmer of hope and having that hope crushed will advance his submission. e.g. telling him "I was thinking and... I should let you cum... just not today should light a spark and then extinguish it, sending him into even deeper darkness.
It should be noted that monitoring his emotional state is very important the longer this process continues. While the submissive emotional response will be magnified, so will his emotional response to external stress factors (e.g. bad day at work, road rage, etc.) and he may become angry more easily towards little things. From my experiences, the longer this state persists, the more important it is for the Domme to be overtly loving and caring. While she might constantly be fucking with him and keeping him an emotional wreck, spending time each day to cuddle, being gentle and intimate, while reminding him of her love for him does wonders to keep him calm and away from depression.
Saying, "I think I like you better this way," is pretty much the ultimate for causing inner emotional conflict for him. If he begins to equate your happiness with his own denial it can shape some interesting outcomes.
So what exactly happens with denial and the resulting sexual frustration?
In small doses, a male kept on edge will increase in focus and attentiveness. This is one situation where the male cock actually helps obedience more than it hurts it. The cock has its innate desire to cum and correctly leads the sub to behave in accordance with what should make that happen.
What about when small doses become large doses, when that intense desire begins to grow beyond the typical male arousal?
It's hard to really describe this as it's a gradual process. There are several factors that all build up together. The early stage (stage 1) can be characterized by:
-Arousal surfaces more easily and more frequently. This will increase the sub's awareness of his own sexual frustration and what it will take to release.
-Focus increases, he will become more in tune with the desires of his Domme. He is sure that good behavior will lead to release.
-His body's awareness will heighten, smell and touch will become more sensitive. The slightest hint of sexuality will cause his body to tingle. The nipples become perky and sensitive.
As prolonged denial continues, more changes happen (stage 2):
-He will gradually become desperate. It will take less to make him agitated and anxious.
-His emotions will be magnified, especially in regards to the excitement brought about by anticipation and the suffering caused by disappointment.
If the pattern continues and emotional pressure is applied, the sub can be pressed to a deeper state (stage 3), but this may require the use of chastity:
-He will become high strung. The smallest gesture can drive him wild with desire or to crash into the depths of despair.
-If he stops believing he will be allowed release he will either cheat or fall into a state resembling depression, a broken man, defeated, and he will attempt to abandon his own will and surrender to her.
The advancement between stages is a process. It requires certain parts of his emotions and submission to reach their "limit" before his psyche discovers a new level of subspace. The speed at which this happens can be accelerated or decelerated by the Domme, but his emotional and submissive characteristics and libido will affect the overall pace of the transition.
With knowledge of the stages in place, there are ways to exert greater control and exploit his weaknesses. This is especially effective if trying to change his behavioral patterns.
-Mind fucks will wield a significant amount of power. His emotions will be thrown into complete disarray and he will react with a mix of panic and desperation. This is a prime state if you wish to induce tears without having to lift a finger.
-His motivation and drive will be off the charts, especially if it's implied that this is the path to release. Failure is not an option. e.g. if he's sent on a task to pick up some obscure specialty item without guidance upon where to find it, he may spend countless hours and drive all over the place in order to find it when during normal times he may simply give up and take a punishment.
-He can be shoved into ever-increasingly deep level of subspace. If given a glimmer of hope and having that hope crushed will advance his submission. e.g. telling him "I was thinking and... I should let you cum... just not today should light a spark and then extinguish it, sending him into even deeper darkness.
It should be noted that monitoring his emotional state is very important the longer this process continues. While the submissive emotional response will be magnified, so will his emotional response to external stress factors (e.g. bad day at work, road rage, etc.) and he may become angry more easily towards little things. From my experiences, the longer this state persists, the more important it is for the Domme to be overtly loving and caring. While she might constantly be fucking with him and keeping him an emotional wreck, spending time each day to cuddle, being gentle and intimate, while reminding him of her love for him does wonders to keep him calm and away from depression.
Saying, "I think I like you better this way," is pretty much the ultimate for causing inner emotional conflict for him. If he begins to equate your happiness with his own denial it can shape some interesting outcomes.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
I think...
I'm going to cut back on the personal posts for a bit. I feel like some of my writing has been a bit desperate. It's hard to describe. Some of it has been cathartic but some of it feels a little unnatural... like I was writing just to write, hoping to feel connected to something, someone, some idea, or whatever.
It feels like I am a bit worse off for it... and I'm probably making myself out to be a schmuck. I'm not sure really, but if you think so, feel free to tell me that.
I don't really open up too much about myself beyond D/s on here (with the exceptions of when I'm fighting with Mistress) but I'm feeling a bit awkward and self-conscious right now... like letting certain parts of my life hang out in the open was a bad decision. I guess it's that I feel a little disappointed with myself as a person lately and I'm worried that the people that I connect with here will be disappointed in me if they see those parts of me.
I think part of it is because blog-land has been rather quiet lately with people being busy for the holidays. Usually I enjoy reading and trying to help and support others with feedback and comments. I really enjoy helping others more than feeling like I need help.
This could just be me out of whack after crucifying myself on an earlier post tonight but this feeling is nagging at me. Maybe I should just stick to BDSM theory and drawing.
It feels like I am a bit worse off for it... and I'm probably making myself out to be a schmuck. I'm not sure really, but if you think so, feel free to tell me that.
I don't really open up too much about myself beyond D/s on here (with the exceptions of when I'm fighting with Mistress) but I'm feeling a bit awkward and self-conscious right now... like letting certain parts of my life hang out in the open was a bad decision. I guess it's that I feel a little disappointed with myself as a person lately and I'm worried that the people that I connect with here will be disappointed in me if they see those parts of me.
I think part of it is because blog-land has been rather quiet lately with people being busy for the holidays. Usually I enjoy reading and trying to help and support others with feedback and comments. I really enjoy helping others more than feeling like I need help.
This could just be me out of whack after crucifying myself on an earlier post tonight but this feeling is nagging at me. Maybe I should just stick to BDSM theory and drawing.
Slave Competition Game #6 - Dance Off
Yet another game idea for Lady Grey's post Roadblocks.
I'm not quite sure what Patsy likes about forced fem, so I'm not sure if this will have any appeal to any of you but it might be entertaining. This does go under the assumption that the men will at some point, be dressed up in women's clothing.
Choose a "theme song." Each woman could choose a unique song for their sub or it could be the same song for all of them. You may want to have some limitations on length (e.g. 3 to 4 minutes).
Each sub has to come up with a choreographed dance routine to go with the song. The routine should be as sexy as possible and they will have to be able to perform it while dressed (I'm assuming this will involve some sort of high-heeled footwear). They will have X number of days to practice and perfect their routine. It will probably be more fun if you don't give them any direction on what "sexy" is.
On the day of:
Turn off the background lights in the room.
Have some sort of bright lamps acting as spot lights on them.
Play the music and have each of them perform their routine one at a time.
Upon completing their dance, each woman will judge them on a scale of 1 to 10 for: sexiness, technical execution, and originality.
Highest score wins.
Variations:
-On the day of the performance, add nipple clamps or a well-placed clothes pin before they start their dance. This should mess them up something royal.
-Have them wear some kind of eye mask that hides their identity and video tape it. Tell them it will be going on youtube (even if you have no plan on doing that).
I have a feeling this would bring on many laughs and you may even discover some surprising creativity from the subs.
I'm not quite sure what Patsy likes about forced fem, so I'm not sure if this will have any appeal to any of you but it might be entertaining. This does go under the assumption that the men will at some point, be dressed up in women's clothing.
Choose a "theme song." Each woman could choose a unique song for their sub or it could be the same song for all of them. You may want to have some limitations on length (e.g. 3 to 4 minutes).
Each sub has to come up with a choreographed dance routine to go with the song. The routine should be as sexy as possible and they will have to be able to perform it while dressed (I'm assuming this will involve some sort of high-heeled footwear). They will have X number of days to practice and perfect their routine. It will probably be more fun if you don't give them any direction on what "sexy" is.
On the day of:
Turn off the background lights in the room.
Have some sort of bright lamps acting as spot lights on them.
Play the music and have each of them perform their routine one at a time.
Upon completing their dance, each woman will judge them on a scale of 1 to 10 for: sexiness, technical execution, and originality.
Highest score wins.
Variations:
-On the day of the performance, add nipple clamps or a well-placed clothes pin before they start their dance. This should mess them up something royal.
-Have them wear some kind of eye mask that hides their identity and video tape it. Tell them it will be going on youtube (even if you have no plan on doing that).
I have a feeling this would bring on many laughs and you may even discover some surprising creativity from the subs.
Submissive Self-Evaluation
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life and about who I am. This is something I constantly did in my younger days and back then I was always trying to become someone better. It also kept me feeling a constant inadequacy. At some point I finally matured to where I was no longer constantly forcing change... I just learned to be.
It's been a while since I delved into myself and I think I'm due for an honest look.
I'll start with the easy part.
Physically, I have many flaws. I am short. Not like midget short, but below average height. I am not particularly good looking and while I'm not sure what really gets women attracted to a man, I'm definitely not a pretty boy. My penis below average size. I am out of shape right now. I have a large build and I just haven't been exercising or watching what I eat over the past year or so.
In response...
I honestly can't do anything about my height or my natural build, nor my facial features. This is just something I have accepted as me and try to make up for it in other ways (personality, obedience, etc.). What I may lack in penis size I can thankfully make up for with endurance and effort. That may sound like bragging but who really wants to admit they have a small dick that can go for 4+ hours? It's more of a relief that it's not a small dick that goes for three pumps.
I just started working out again. My body responds very quickly to exercise and I'm able to burn fat and build muscle at a crazy pace. Within 1 month I will be much happier with myself than I am now and within 3 months I will feel good about myself. I just wish I had the ability to drop mass. I either have a 6-pack or a keg with nothing in between...
The thing that keeps getting worse over time are my joints and I know this affects my value as a submissive. I played many sports growing up at a competitive level and I have managed to injure most of my joints to the point where they have become chronic and affect my day to day life and have robbed me of my flexibility. Prolonged uncomfortable bondage isn't really possible without having the potential to cripple me for a week+. I do just fine with being restrained for long periods, but women of the cruel nature that I so crave are more the types to restrain me twisted up like a pretzel and I may fail because of that.
I have one other large negative physical quirk that I am trying to fix/change. I used to love the smell and taste of vaginas. The scent was comforting to me. The third Domme I served (for about 4 months) was a front wiper. One day when I was chained to the bed she straddled my face and I started to lick her when all of a sudden something wasn't right and my gag reflex went off, causing me to vomit in my mouth. This was several years ago but the scent that once made me feel warm and safe now tends to trigger my gag reflex. We have been slowly working towards repairing this but in many ways I feel like I'm a ruined sub until this has been reversed.
Overall:
I will get myself in shape. The rest of it I'm kind of stuck with. Some helpful "nudging" by Mistress would assist greatly in terms of diet and exercise, but ultimately this is up to me to take care of. On the upside, I still look much younger than I am and I still get carded if I go to see an R-rated movie.
Personality. This is a tough one because some of my strengths are also weaknesses. I do have some weaknesses that are never strengths.
Sense of humor. This is one of my defining characteristics. I like to laugh, I have a quick wit, and I appreciate deep levels of humor. If I'm not in subspace I can be kind of a brat sometimes and occasionally my sense of humor falls into the realm of inappropriate. In the past I have had the brat beaten out of my through swift punishment and I learned how to keep it under control. The downside is that I am male so it inevitably returns if not reminded every so often.
Intelligence. This is my best friend and my worst enemy. The positives are that I'm a fast learner, I have a great memory, and I have the ability to evaluate and analyze situations on the fly and make sound reactionary decisions. The negatives are that I occasionally get arrogant if I get "on a roll" and I can be stubborn when I believe a certain course of action is the best or most correct choice. While the negatives could be beaten out of me I feel stupid for not being able to control them on my own.
Work ethic. I bust my ass to learn and master things. I delve into every possible aspect of something and practice again and again until I perfect it. I expect the best of myself and I put in the effort to make it happen... but this occasionally leads me to obsession. When I get obsessed and focused on something I inevitably fail as a human being. Tunnel vision towards something other than Mistress is probably the worst imaginable thing to have. As I wrote in an earlier post this week, I have no problem dropping hobbies for what I truly need and desire, so this rarely is a problem if the D/s intensity stays up and then my work ethic is a strong positive.
Honesty, integrity, and straight-forwardness. Everyone knows what good things come from these traits but they can be ugly when honesty isn't going to go over well, integrity leads to stubbornness, and being straight-forward seems uncaring. I need to use more care and think outwardly about others before allowing any of these traits to take over my words and actions.
Primary weaknesses... this is probably going to be one of the hardest things to write about honestly but here goes.
Insecurity. I have abandonment issues. These stem to my early childhood and sometimes it feels like I can't escape them. I will do anything, endure anything, and sacrifice everything to not be left alone. Reacting to my insecurities has led to some of my positive characteristics, but insecurity is never, ever, ever sexy. I know that I have to be more confident with myself... believe that I am someone worth knowing, worth loving, and worth keeping... I'm just not sure with how much I'll be able to change this with things as they are. I fear these issues will never really go away, just become less of a problem.
Depression. God, how this has fucked up my life for as long as I can remember. I have a fairly decent grasp on my depression, I know how to fight it off before it starts, I know how to deal with it after it has shown up, I just don't know how to get rid of it. My depression is rooted in my abandonment issues as well as physical and emotional abuse that I received while growing up. What makes it harder is that I go through periods of feeling "needy," and other periods where I need some form of obsession to keep my mind occupied. Thankfully I have found a way to keep my stress levels low enough to keep my ulcers under control. They only really flare up when Mistress and I fight.
When I am at my weakest I just need to be loved. The best therapy I have ever had for it was to be over Mistress's lap, chains locked on to show me that she wasn't going to let me go, and in a calm voice, being scolded for feeling this way and reminded that she loves me and I will be hers while she spanked me. The last time this happened I believe I felt the most love I have ever felt for another person.
If depression does rear its ugly head... it's a tough battle for me to overcome. I lose sex drive. I lose motivation. I lose hope. Even worse, and I know I will probably come off as really fucked up when I say this, but when my depression is full on I start having severely negative thoughts that randomly jump into my head like, "I would rather be dead," or "I'm fucking worthless," often accompanied by a recollection of an event where I made a bad decision or hurt/wronged someone and now regret. I know those thoughts aren't real, but at their worst, trying to brush them off 30+ times a day really puts a downer on everything.
Next up is a topic I dread to face, which is my station in life.
I have a four year degree from a major university. I have been very gifted academically and finished near or at the top of my class since elementary school. Many things indicate I should be a success in life. My depression and insecurities have haunted me for as long as I can remember (they started at around age 5) and for most of my teen years, they almost took over my life although I continued to succeed on an academic level. Back then I was always living in fear of an unhappy future. When I learned to cope with my depression, it was in the form that most of my therapists had tried to get me to do all along... and that is... live day by day.
That's what I have done. I lived day by day but at the expense of the future. I try not to let myself get tangled up into negative thoughts and worries about the economy, etc. The problem is that I stopped trying to change my station in life and just tried to get by without being pulled under.
When I graduated college I was with my first Mistress and she was ill. I needed flexibility and money right away so instead of going and applying for careers, I took a job in a field I had interest in right out of the gate. I did this with the fear that years later I would still be stuck in that dead end job because I was able to get by and be afraid to shake up my life and try to advance in a career. The problem is... years later I am still stuck in that dead end job.
On some levels it is fulfilling. I enjoy what I work with, I am very knowledgeable about it, I enjoy imparting that knowledge onto others, and it is a small business (~8 employees) where I'm able to use my problem solving skills to try and improve how things are done. Each year I'm able to come up with several measures that end up saving $20k+ per year. Each year my raise has been somewhere in the realm of 25 to 50 cents. Each year at my review I'm told that there just isn't enough money flowing in to get a real raise to a decent wage. Each year it means that there's a few weak links that continue to mismanage things so badly that we struggle to be profitable. Each year I'm told I will be given more work that is better suited to my skill set. Each year they bring in someone new who fails at what I was supposed to be doing. I'm reaching my burnout point and that would probably be a good thing.
I live paycheck to paycheck. I have enough savings to cover ~2-4 major emergencies, but I'm not in a position where my income would be called "gainful."
I am great at coming up with excuses for why I don't improve my life (the economy sucks, etc.) The reality of it is that I'm scared to make changes when I have found a way to survive day by day. I need to fix this. I wish I had the support and pressure from Mistress to work at this but again, that's just an excuse for my own weakness.
I need to change for the better. I need to find where to start so that I can make those changes without unbearable amounts of anxiety.
Lastly... I will look at myself as a submissive.
In my submission I have always tried to be like clay. To be shaped into whatever she wanted me to be. Lately I feel a bit like certain parts of me have been run through the kiln, taking a solid form that can no longer be changed and that the rest of me has lost its shape. I don't know if those parts that have taken form can be changed but I hope they can be. I also hope that Mistress is able to help reshape what has been lost.
My depression plagued me a lot this past year and my rocky relationship with Mistress did its part as well. My impulse is no longer one to do things for her without her asking because I am often scared of how she will act towards me no matter what I do. If decisions are left until the last minute there's no way I can fuck up. This is a terrible, terrible state to be in for a submissive. I'm fucking ashamed of myself for being this way. Is it unfair for me to need the D/s dynamic for me to return to my former self? A self where every impulse relates to her.
We had some of our first D/s activity the other day in the shower and it seemed almost foreign.
What I can see...
I need to change. I need to have a healthier state of mind. I need a healthier body. I need to be stronger.
I wish that she would take charge and bring out the best in me. It is weak and unfair of me to need this, I should want to be the best I can be for her.
I will keep trying.
It's been a while since I delved into myself and I think I'm due for an honest look.
I'll start with the easy part.
Physically, I have many flaws. I am short. Not like midget short, but below average height. I am not particularly good looking and while I'm not sure what really gets women attracted to a man, I'm definitely not a pretty boy. My penis below average size. I am out of shape right now. I have a large build and I just haven't been exercising or watching what I eat over the past year or so.
In response...
I honestly can't do anything about my height or my natural build, nor my facial features. This is just something I have accepted as me and try to make up for it in other ways (personality, obedience, etc.). What I may lack in penis size I can thankfully make up for with endurance and effort. That may sound like bragging but who really wants to admit they have a small dick that can go for 4+ hours? It's more of a relief that it's not a small dick that goes for three pumps.
I just started working out again. My body responds very quickly to exercise and I'm able to burn fat and build muscle at a crazy pace. Within 1 month I will be much happier with myself than I am now and within 3 months I will feel good about myself. I just wish I had the ability to drop mass. I either have a 6-pack or a keg with nothing in between...
The thing that keeps getting worse over time are my joints and I know this affects my value as a submissive. I played many sports growing up at a competitive level and I have managed to injure most of my joints to the point where they have become chronic and affect my day to day life and have robbed me of my flexibility. Prolonged uncomfortable bondage isn't really possible without having the potential to cripple me for a week+. I do just fine with being restrained for long periods, but women of the cruel nature that I so crave are more the types to restrain me twisted up like a pretzel and I may fail because of that.
I have one other large negative physical quirk that I am trying to fix/change. I used to love the smell and taste of vaginas. The scent was comforting to me. The third Domme I served (for about 4 months) was a front wiper. One day when I was chained to the bed she straddled my face and I started to lick her when all of a sudden something wasn't right and my gag reflex went off, causing me to vomit in my mouth. This was several years ago but the scent that once made me feel warm and safe now tends to trigger my gag reflex. We have been slowly working towards repairing this but in many ways I feel like I'm a ruined sub until this has been reversed.
Overall:
I will get myself in shape. The rest of it I'm kind of stuck with. Some helpful "nudging" by Mistress would assist greatly in terms of diet and exercise, but ultimately this is up to me to take care of. On the upside, I still look much younger than I am and I still get carded if I go to see an R-rated movie.
Personality. This is a tough one because some of my strengths are also weaknesses. I do have some weaknesses that are never strengths.
Sense of humor. This is one of my defining characteristics. I like to laugh, I have a quick wit, and I appreciate deep levels of humor. If I'm not in subspace I can be kind of a brat sometimes and occasionally my sense of humor falls into the realm of inappropriate. In the past I have had the brat beaten out of my through swift punishment and I learned how to keep it under control. The downside is that I am male so it inevitably returns if not reminded every so often.
Intelligence. This is my best friend and my worst enemy. The positives are that I'm a fast learner, I have a great memory, and I have the ability to evaluate and analyze situations on the fly and make sound reactionary decisions. The negatives are that I occasionally get arrogant if I get "on a roll" and I can be stubborn when I believe a certain course of action is the best or most correct choice. While the negatives could be beaten out of me I feel stupid for not being able to control them on my own.
Work ethic. I bust my ass to learn and master things. I delve into every possible aspect of something and practice again and again until I perfect it. I expect the best of myself and I put in the effort to make it happen... but this occasionally leads me to obsession. When I get obsessed and focused on something I inevitably fail as a human being. Tunnel vision towards something other than Mistress is probably the worst imaginable thing to have. As I wrote in an earlier post this week, I have no problem dropping hobbies for what I truly need and desire, so this rarely is a problem if the D/s intensity stays up and then my work ethic is a strong positive.
Honesty, integrity, and straight-forwardness. Everyone knows what good things come from these traits but they can be ugly when honesty isn't going to go over well, integrity leads to stubbornness, and being straight-forward seems uncaring. I need to use more care and think outwardly about others before allowing any of these traits to take over my words and actions.
Primary weaknesses... this is probably going to be one of the hardest things to write about honestly but here goes.
Insecurity. I have abandonment issues. These stem to my early childhood and sometimes it feels like I can't escape them. I will do anything, endure anything, and sacrifice everything to not be left alone. Reacting to my insecurities has led to some of my positive characteristics, but insecurity is never, ever, ever sexy. I know that I have to be more confident with myself... believe that I am someone worth knowing, worth loving, and worth keeping... I'm just not sure with how much I'll be able to change this with things as they are. I fear these issues will never really go away, just become less of a problem.
Depression. God, how this has fucked up my life for as long as I can remember. I have a fairly decent grasp on my depression, I know how to fight it off before it starts, I know how to deal with it after it has shown up, I just don't know how to get rid of it. My depression is rooted in my abandonment issues as well as physical and emotional abuse that I received while growing up. What makes it harder is that I go through periods of feeling "needy," and other periods where I need some form of obsession to keep my mind occupied. Thankfully I have found a way to keep my stress levels low enough to keep my ulcers under control. They only really flare up when Mistress and I fight.
When I am at my weakest I just need to be loved. The best therapy I have ever had for it was to be over Mistress's lap, chains locked on to show me that she wasn't going to let me go, and in a calm voice, being scolded for feeling this way and reminded that she loves me and I will be hers while she spanked me. The last time this happened I believe I felt the most love I have ever felt for another person.
If depression does rear its ugly head... it's a tough battle for me to overcome. I lose sex drive. I lose motivation. I lose hope. Even worse, and I know I will probably come off as really fucked up when I say this, but when my depression is full on I start having severely negative thoughts that randomly jump into my head like, "I would rather be dead," or "I'm fucking worthless," often accompanied by a recollection of an event where I made a bad decision or hurt/wronged someone and now regret. I know those thoughts aren't real, but at their worst, trying to brush them off 30+ times a day really puts a downer on everything.
Next up is a topic I dread to face, which is my station in life.
I have a four year degree from a major university. I have been very gifted academically and finished near or at the top of my class since elementary school. Many things indicate I should be a success in life. My depression and insecurities have haunted me for as long as I can remember (they started at around age 5) and for most of my teen years, they almost took over my life although I continued to succeed on an academic level. Back then I was always living in fear of an unhappy future. When I learned to cope with my depression, it was in the form that most of my therapists had tried to get me to do all along... and that is... live day by day.
That's what I have done. I lived day by day but at the expense of the future. I try not to let myself get tangled up into negative thoughts and worries about the economy, etc. The problem is that I stopped trying to change my station in life and just tried to get by without being pulled under.
When I graduated college I was with my first Mistress and she was ill. I needed flexibility and money right away so instead of going and applying for careers, I took a job in a field I had interest in right out of the gate. I did this with the fear that years later I would still be stuck in that dead end job because I was able to get by and be afraid to shake up my life and try to advance in a career. The problem is... years later I am still stuck in that dead end job.
On some levels it is fulfilling. I enjoy what I work with, I am very knowledgeable about it, I enjoy imparting that knowledge onto others, and it is a small business (~8 employees) where I'm able to use my problem solving skills to try and improve how things are done. Each year I'm able to come up with several measures that end up saving $20k+ per year. Each year my raise has been somewhere in the realm of 25 to 50 cents. Each year at my review I'm told that there just isn't enough money flowing in to get a real raise to a decent wage. Each year it means that there's a few weak links that continue to mismanage things so badly that we struggle to be profitable. Each year I'm told I will be given more work that is better suited to my skill set. Each year they bring in someone new who fails at what I was supposed to be doing. I'm reaching my burnout point and that would probably be a good thing.
I live paycheck to paycheck. I have enough savings to cover ~2-4 major emergencies, but I'm not in a position where my income would be called "gainful."
I am great at coming up with excuses for why I don't improve my life (the economy sucks, etc.) The reality of it is that I'm scared to make changes when I have found a way to survive day by day. I need to fix this. I wish I had the support and pressure from Mistress to work at this but again, that's just an excuse for my own weakness.
I need to change for the better. I need to find where to start so that I can make those changes without unbearable amounts of anxiety.
Lastly... I will look at myself as a submissive.
In my submission I have always tried to be like clay. To be shaped into whatever she wanted me to be. Lately I feel a bit like certain parts of me have been run through the kiln, taking a solid form that can no longer be changed and that the rest of me has lost its shape. I don't know if those parts that have taken form can be changed but I hope they can be. I also hope that Mistress is able to help reshape what has been lost.
My depression plagued me a lot this past year and my rocky relationship with Mistress did its part as well. My impulse is no longer one to do things for her without her asking because I am often scared of how she will act towards me no matter what I do. If decisions are left until the last minute there's no way I can fuck up. This is a terrible, terrible state to be in for a submissive. I'm fucking ashamed of myself for being this way. Is it unfair for me to need the D/s dynamic for me to return to my former self? A self where every impulse relates to her.
We had some of our first D/s activity the other day in the shower and it seemed almost foreign.
What I can see...
I need to change. I need to have a healthier state of mind. I need a healthier body. I need to be stronger.
I wish that she would take charge and bring out the best in me. It is weak and unfair of me to need this, I should want to be the best I can be for her.
I will keep trying.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Humiliation Boutique - Business Logic (caption drawings)
Feel free to call me a lazy artist as I didn't feel like making another drawing just to make a new caption. The second one popped into my head as I was finishing this but I didn't want to cram it into the first one.
Humiliation Boutique - Sales Training
So I said I'd be taking a break for a while... at least from the themed stuff. I had a bit of an adrenaline rush while writing my last post and it gave me my third wind for the day so I drew this one while winding down.
Vanessa's Dilemma
I was really wanting to write tonight as it (usually) brings me joy and peace to find something interesting to write about and hopefully discuss with others. I was thinking about some topic ideas when I realized there was something that I think is very interesting staring me right in the face.
It is based upon a few different posts on other blogs. It is in regards to the situation of one of Lady Grey's friends, Vanessa, and her situation with her (soon to be ex) husband/sub and contrasted by a beautifully written post by Cleo on her and Marc's blog.
Here are links to the posts:
http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/2011/01/slight-glitch.html
http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/2011/12/roadblocks.html
http://fromvanillatokinky.blogspot.com/2011/12/this-is-not-about-sex-but-its-about.html
A few things really stand out to me about this, namely, what could make a sub so useless and why that is a despicable state to reach.
When I think about it, there's two primary reasons a sub could reach a state where they were unable to function without overt direction from their Domme.
The first is that the Domme is so strict that he is afraid to act independently.
The second is that the sub's weakness of mind caved in and reached a state of complete surrender, lacking any independent personality of his own.
Now the second may be a reaction to the first, but that definitely isn't the only possible reaction.
If you are a lifestyle submissive you have to be ready at any time to fulfill any one of a number of roles for varying aspects of your relationship.
Day-to-Day:
-butler / maid / valet
-chef / waiter / bus boy / dishwasher
-landscaper / gardner
-chauffeur / errand boy
-etc.
Relationship:
-friend
-lover
-confidante
-companion
-entertainer
-provider
-protector
-etc.
Sexual/BDSM:
-penis
-cunnilingus machine
-body worshipper
-whipping boy
-anal vagina
-prisoner
-cuckold
-etc.
If you are capable of easily transitioning between roles as any situation calls for it, you should be able to make even the most demanding Domme's happy. So where did Vanessa's sub fail?
When the chips were down, his inner knight was nowhere to be found. As powerful as a Domme may be, a worthy lover is a mix of submissive qualities, personal qualities, and chivalry. She may force him to wear panties every day and put him over her knee and spank him until he cries, but when needed, he will be there for her, stand up for/with her, and be willing to throw or take a punch to defend her. He acts as her shield, not in a sense that she is defenseless, but more as a knight's shield that she has in hand and wields when necessary, always in her possession and under her control.
Is it too much to ask this of a man, to be everything submissive but also to protect? Hell no. The reason... is love.
Taking on this role requires a tremendous amount of love for and devotion to his Domme. I am proud to be this. I am proud to have been chosen for this role. As submissive as I may be, threaten the one that I love and serve and it will take a group of people to hold me back. Don't fuck with the one that I love or I will fucking end you. It's not eloquent, I'm not a violent brute, but don't fuck with her or you'll answer to me.
Illness took away the one that I love once before. If cancer was a person he'd currently be a dead, rotting, and bloody pulp taking a permanent dirt nap.
Vanessa's ex failed. Somewhere inside him he lost that will to act, to defend, and to love with his all. Somewhere inside him his own fears and insecurities took over his will to protect and care. I can see why this behavior and his inability to change would be deemed unforgivable. To not be there for her in her time of need is unforgivable.
The love of a D/s relationship goes both ways. Subs may be beaten, mind-fucked, denied sexually, humiliated, and controlled, but goddamn it we love the one that's doing it. Dommes may get a kick out of beating us, mind fucking us, denying us sexually, humiliating us, and controlling us, but what makes it special is that they love us too. If you ever doubt that, read Cleo's post and that should clear things up.
I hope that Vanessa is able to get things rolling again in a good way soon and that she's able to find someone that will make her happy and won't let her down if crisis makes another unexpected visit.
I really tried to stay as objective as possible while writing this... but I got a bit heated in the moment and I'm sure it shows. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but it probably gives a bigger glimpse into who I am than a purely impersonal and objective post.
It is based upon a few different posts on other blogs. It is in regards to the situation of one of Lady Grey's friends, Vanessa, and her situation with her (soon to be ex) husband/sub and contrasted by a beautifully written post by Cleo on her and Marc's blog.
Here are links to the posts:
http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/2011/01/slight-glitch.html
http://womanincontrol.blogspot.com/2011/12/roadblocks.html
http://fromvanillatokinky.blogspot.com/2011/12/this-is-not-about-sex-but-its-about.html
A few things really stand out to me about this, namely, what could make a sub so useless and why that is a despicable state to reach.
When I think about it, there's two primary reasons a sub could reach a state where they were unable to function without overt direction from their Domme.
The first is that the Domme is so strict that he is afraid to act independently.
The second is that the sub's weakness of mind caved in and reached a state of complete surrender, lacking any independent personality of his own.
Now the second may be a reaction to the first, but that definitely isn't the only possible reaction.
If you are a lifestyle submissive you have to be ready at any time to fulfill any one of a number of roles for varying aspects of your relationship.
Day-to-Day:
-butler / maid / valet
-chef / waiter / bus boy / dishwasher
-landscaper / gardner
-chauffeur / errand boy
-etc.
Relationship:
-friend
-lover
-confidante
-companion
-entertainer
-provider
-protector
-etc.
Sexual/BDSM:
-penis
-cunnilingus machine
-body worshipper
-whipping boy
-anal vagina
-prisoner
-cuckold
-etc.
If you are capable of easily transitioning between roles as any situation calls for it, you should be able to make even the most demanding Domme's happy. So where did Vanessa's sub fail?
When the chips were down, his inner knight was nowhere to be found. As powerful as a Domme may be, a worthy lover is a mix of submissive qualities, personal qualities, and chivalry. She may force him to wear panties every day and put him over her knee and spank him until he cries, but when needed, he will be there for her, stand up for/with her, and be willing to throw or take a punch to defend her. He acts as her shield, not in a sense that she is defenseless, but more as a knight's shield that she has in hand and wields when necessary, always in her possession and under her control.
Is it too much to ask this of a man, to be everything submissive but also to protect? Hell no. The reason... is love.
Taking on this role requires a tremendous amount of love for and devotion to his Domme. I am proud to be this. I am proud to have been chosen for this role. As submissive as I may be, threaten the one that I love and serve and it will take a group of people to hold me back. Don't fuck with the one that I love or I will fucking end you. It's not eloquent, I'm not a violent brute, but don't fuck with her or you'll answer to me.
Illness took away the one that I love once before. If cancer was a person he'd currently be a dead, rotting, and bloody pulp taking a permanent dirt nap.
Vanessa's ex failed. Somewhere inside him he lost that will to act, to defend, and to love with his all. Somewhere inside him his own fears and insecurities took over his will to protect and care. I can see why this behavior and his inability to change would be deemed unforgivable. To not be there for her in her time of need is unforgivable.
The love of a D/s relationship goes both ways. Subs may be beaten, mind-fucked, denied sexually, humiliated, and controlled, but goddamn it we love the one that's doing it. Dommes may get a kick out of beating us, mind fucking us, denying us sexually, humiliating us, and controlling us, but what makes it special is that they love us too. If you ever doubt that, read Cleo's post and that should clear things up.
I hope that Vanessa is able to get things rolling again in a good way soon and that she's able to find someone that will make her happy and won't let her down if crisis makes another unexpected visit.
I really tried to stay as objective as possible while writing this... but I got a bit heated in the moment and I'm sure it shows. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but it probably gives a bigger glimpse into who I am than a purely impersonal and objective post.
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