Saturday, November 18, 2017

How to mindfuck me

I have had some recent conversations about the intricacies of mindfucking with people… I felt like sharing how it works for me.

I am an emotional masochist. I make no secret of it. My submissive mental space loves to swirl around in insecurity. My ego loves to be crushed beneath the heel of past trauma when wielded by a feminine hand.

I am afraid of so many things about myself. Things that scare me that they are worthy of rejection. Things that terrify me and make me afraid of being ostracized, ruined, and alone.

I have memory after memory of events that made it certain that I would never be comfortable with myself. I spent much of my life compensating. Yes, I developed skills simply to combat the fear that inadequacy will keep me lonely and miserable.

I’m afraid that my penis is messed up or inadequate. It was out of fear that I did loads of research about female sexual anatomy, convinced that understanding a woman’s sexual pleasure and with appropriate attention to detail, that I could compensate for any potential inadequacy I might have. I trained for stamina. I steeled my resolve. I pursue the female orgasm with enthusiasm, awareness, and perseverance. While I do it for her pleasure, there is always the underlying fear that I will not be enough and this motivates me to almost obsessive levels. I can do it with my hands, mouth, tongue, penis, toys, you name it. I will find a way to make it great.

It can only take one phrase to derail me and shatter my self-confidence, sending me spiraling into the depths of subspace: “It would be nice if you were bigger.” This can cascade in so many ways. It undermines my effort by pointing it out as overcompensation. It questions my manhood. It justifies chastity. It only has to be spoken once and it will be forever entrenched within me, justifying all of my fears.

What separates the mindfuck from cruelty is that I am not rejected because of it.

I’m terrified of being abandoned. My vision of a perfect lover… perfect life partner… was birthed to compensate for this fear. I will do anything to show my love. I will do anything to prove my love. I work with both actions and words. I want her to grow addicted to me and what I offer… so that she will not leave me. I learned to cook. I learned to massage. I will do anything. I will learn, practice, and perfect things in order to be “enough.” I want to be her everything.

Again, it can take only one phrase to bring my fear to the surface and space me: “It’s cute how you think your devotion makes you worthy of me.” This sets me into a panic. I can’t relax. I can’t lapse for even a moment. I can be pushed and pushed and pushed and I will frantically meet every expectation… like my life depends upon it.

I’m hesitant to share this last one because I find it embarrassing to talk about, mostly because it hits me on so many levels of insecurity, some of which are rooted in childhood trauma, others in the guilt, shame, and doubt that compounded over the years.

I’m terrified of the fact that being ordered to wear a girl’s hat and earmuffs triggers me to such a deep subspace and arouses me. For years I adopted the “tough guy” stance. To this day I don’t wear any type of hat in winter and I live in a very cold climate.

There are a number of ways to mindfuck me about this.
  • I can be called a sissy. I don’t want to believe that I am one but I am afraid about it.
  • I can have my masculinity called into question. This one is pretty obvious.
  • I can have my sexuality called into question. This one isn’t kind but if I was secure, it shouldn’t bother me.
  • It can be pointed out that the styles that trigger me are impractically girly. I don’t know a single woman that would dress in this way. This makes it even more pathetic/disgusting.
  • It can be pointed out that my arousal makes me pathetic and disgusting. It’s hard to feel secure about anyone wanting me with this knowledge.
  • I can be told this makes me less than a man… and less than a woman. I’m below everyone.
  • I can be taken out in public (or the threat of this) and forced to see people’s reactions to me.
    I can be taken shopping for said items and forced to acknowledge if they trigger me or not.
  • I can be outed (or the threat of this) to her friends and see their reactions.
All of these things drive my subspace wild on different levels. I experience massive amounts of controlled anxiety and topple deeply into space, completely helpless. It really takes very little effort.
There are more ways to mindfuck me, but if I had to prioritize things, these would be the big three.

Thoughts on Illusion

Writing my last post got me thinking a bit about things.

I chase submissive mental space as being my default persona. It is where I feel okay and at peace with myself. It is where I long to be. One of my subspace triggers is inequality. I love status differences. I love putting a woman on a pedestal. I love things being unfair in her favor. These twist me up inside and make me feel oh so submissive.

This started to bother me a bit when I was talking about FLR and I tried to figure out why that community has bothered me so badly. I’m trying to write this without being biased against the people who make it ugly… sort of like trying not to think badly of a religion because of the ugliness people carry out in its name. A lot of bloggers in that genre have rubbed me the wrong way in how aggressively dismissive they are to other people. I am trying to set those biases aside and evaluate it on its own.

The principles behind FLR work for me. But it always seems like something was missing from it: illusion.

To be honest, if a Domme were to say something like, “You will exist only for me. What you want, means nothing. What you enjoy, means nothing. You will toil for me and suffer at my hands. I am the only thing that matters,” I would probably tremble and melt into the floor. If she made it clear that my pleasure was no concern of hers and that all of my desires should be centered around her, that idea drives my subspace into a frenzy.

The hangup for me occurs because this is an illusion. It is meant to create an environment and an idealized sense of purpose and place. It is meant to enable and maintain submissive mental space by catering to subspace triggers. This illusion that she doesn’t care about me is put in place because she does care about me and about us.

This differs a lot from FLR because I feel like this would be frowned upon. This would be fake. The one-sided principle is because both want it and it doesn’t matter what form it takes. It’s not supposed to be an illusion, it’s supposed to be real. I get scared when people believe in things like that. I want to believe that when the relationship is loving that both parties will think about the other as well as the health of the relationship. I’m not sure if it’s posturing and that they actually think of it more as an illusion, I just have encountered a number of blog authors that don’t mind going around to other blogs and telling people their F/m relationships are fake.

Regardless, I will embrace the illusion and ride all of its glory through the subspace I find so fulfilling.

An Intro to F/m - Part 4

An Intro to F/m – Part 4

Continuation of this series… this post most closely relates to Part 2.

In M/f you will find a lot of subs that struggle with being “starved.”  That is, there aren’t enough D/s dynamics in place to consistently push them into submissive mental space and they will begin to ache for dominance.  This is most common for existing relationships that have introduced D/s at a later date where the dominant doesn’t embrace exerting control.  The consensus for dealing with this matter is to continue to keep communication lines open between dominant and sub and eventually a happy medium will be established that keeps a sub from reaching the point where they act out due to starvation.

In F/m you will find a mix of relationships that were D/s out of the gate and ones who have attempted to add D/s into an existing relationship.  In both types of relationships you will find dominants that prefer the self-motivated compliance route as well as the ones that enjoy exercising strict control.
F/m relationships involving strict control rarely end up with subs aching for dominance.  In fact, there’s actually a tendency in these situations to evolve well beyond the sub’s comfort zone, frequently reaching a point of anguish for the sub.  While this may unsettle the sub in the short run, they tend to adapt and this process repeats itself with the dominant becoming more dominant and the submissive becoming more submissive.

The compliance style is where you will find more starving subs, and again, this is more common in relationships where D/s was added to an existing relationship.  The contrasting difference in F/m is that there are severely negative views on male subs that ache.  There are also lifestyle philosophies that have been developed around this.

In the absence of a labeled philosophy, a common view of a sub craving more dominance is that the sub is being selfish.  The Domme will provide as much dominance as she cares to and should not be expected to go beyond that.  Catering to a sub’s desires is not dominant and she should not be expected to do so.  It is on the sub to find a way to manage and be grateful for what she chooses to give him rather than pine for what she doesn’t.  It isn’t really up for discussion and the sub should rid himself of any cravings.

Separately, there are philosophical movements out there that often give themselves the label of FLR, FLM, WLM, and the like that grew out of the writings of Elise Sutton, Lady Misato, and others.  Originally these ideas clashed with the BDSM principles because of the lack of consent, but as of late they have become much more popular as people have sought ways to push F/m without the kink associations.

For those who are unfamiliar with this style the concept is simple:  the woman holds absolute power and authority and is the focal point of the relationship.  She may exert any type of control she wishes without limits and the man is expected to comply to her will with absolute devotion.  He should have no desires except to make her happy.  He is expected to be selfless, motivated purely out of love, and being permitted to serve a dominant woman is the only reward he should seek or expect.   There is no need to punish because he always obeys.

She may control his finances, how he spends his free time, who he is allowed to see or interact with, and so on.  It is common that he will take care of the mundane tasks:  cooking, cleaning, chores, yard work, grocery shopping, etc.  Some male subs take to this quite well, find their groove, and flow with it in peace.

Other subs struggle with it for a number of reasons.  Most of this dominance is passive dominance.  There isn’t some great reward waiting at the end of the rainbow.  Kink is often completely absent and so it doesn’t do much to feed his fantasy desires.  The style of dominance may or may not do anything to push him into a submissive mental space.  If he aches, tough shit, this is what he wanted.  If he wants more, tough shit, this is how she does it.  If he openly desires more he is seen as fake.  If he was genuinely wanting to submit, this would be enough.

People may have mixed views upon this.  I find it difficult because it tends to only focus on things being fulfilling to the dominant and that is meant to be enough to be fulfilling to the sub as well.  It is interesting in principle but actually implementing it as a long-term lifestyle doesn’t leave a lot of room for problems that may arise or means to solve them.  I might be biased a bit negatively as a number of blogs of this nature tend to ignore or downplay the value of a sub (and I can’t tell if it is posturing or true belief).

This is another one of the differences between M/f and F/m where there isn’t much crossover.

Thoughts on Starting Over

I can’t help but be envious of those who have been able to share all of their D/s experiences with a single partner.  I’m also envious of those who have been deemed desirable enough by the world at large to know that they find vanilla relationships unfulfilling in comparison.  Over the course of my life I cannot say that either of those scenarios were in the cards for me.

While my kinks were determined by a number of early experiences, much of my submissive outlook and mindset were crafted during years of loneliness and repeated rejection.  Looking back I find it almost comical that my pursuit of actualizing my ideal vision of a lover created the foundation of what would become my submission.

Circumstances have forced me to start over and over, keeping me readily aware of of the D/s “climate” on the F/m front.  It is incredibly difficult to find an available Domme that is looking for a life partner.  The majority of the subs that find one don’t squander the opportunity.  The end result is that most of the opportunities are with newer Dommes.

I’m not opposed to newer Dommes.  Two of my three relationships were with Dommes who hadn’t been in the role for more than a year and I was their first serious submissive.  In some ways it probably works out better.  Veteran Dommes often find it easier to work with relatively inexperienced subs that they can shape into their perfect match.  Newer Dommes still have a lot to experience, and while they still have a good part of the learning curve left, their style of dominance is still a work in progress and they are often more flexible in what they are looking for.  While neither of these are set in stone rules, they are just my observations that I have made over the years.

There is often a lot of talk about fit and kink overlap.  I tend to look for a personal connection under my naive belief that love can conquer all.

However, love requires being given a chance.  I find dating to be like… the most terrifying thing on the planet.  I’m not pretty enough.  When I get nervous, I talk too much.  I have this need to act with pure motives, so I am terrified to approach anyone without having a genuine reason.

On the D/s side, I’m worried that I will seem way too fucked up for someone.  I already know that my kinks area kind of out there.  I know that my desired level of submission is a bit too intense for many (and is currently “out of style” with what is popular).  I’ve always been prepared to make significant compromises.  I’m ultimately adaptable… probably because I care more about being able to love someone than about any act or activity.

While there are a handful of “deal breakers” for me, I believe most of them are reasonable for someone seeking a long-term monogamous relationship.  There is one breaker out there though that I have come to and it’s something that wasn’t really a factor for my first 10+ years in the lifestyle, and that is the idea of Dommes that don’t care about their sub’s submissive mental space.  Years ago this seemed more like the exception… but more recently it has become a trend… and it is a trend that follows a philosophy… which makes it into a belief… and beliefs don’t change much once established.

There are a lot of things that I love to do.  There are other things that I don’t care to do, but willingly do them.  Submissive mental space is often the bridge that turns those less desirable activities into extremely fulfilling activities.  I don’t NEED it, but it makes everything feel a lot more pleasant.  The idea that my submission and service are cheapened by desiring to be in subspace doesn’t sit that well with me.  It’s not like I won’t comply without it, it’s more that it makes a lot of life feel better.  I would think that the one I love would wish to grant me that favor.

Ideally I would find a Domme that enjoys pressing me into subspace and keeping me there.  I would like it to bring her joy to know that I can be easily twisted and manipulated in that way and cannot resist her.  I know that this is an unpopular sentiment these days.  It doesn’t change me from desiring it.

"Going Deep"

“Going Deep” is a phrase I have used quite a bit lately in discussions.  It’s a bit of a reference to the idea of submissive mental space as a swimming pool, but I think I used the term before I had come up with a metaphor… because it described what I felt.  It seems that when I use this phrase that people either have no idea what I’m talking about or they nod and get it completely.

This is not to say that “going deep” makes someone superior/inferior, as it is actually describes a characteristic that some people have that allow them to lose themselves, let go, and be swallowed up by D/s.  It requires a lot of trust and an environment conducive to getting there, but it is a state where rational thoughts and fears get replaced by the overwhelming emotions and momentary feelings that occur during deep submissive mental space.

While the emotions feel incredibly vulnerable and overwhelming, there is also a calmness to them… an acceptance that doesn’t really surface at other times.  I have often described the mindset as reaching total surrender.  It overrides fight or flight.  It overrides logic and sense.  It is just sort of a state of being.

You don’t resist your station.  You embrace it and accept your place.  It feels very soothing to know exactly where you belong.  It feels very safe to know exactly what is expected of you.  While you might not like everything that is presented to you, it is not your place to defy.  You roll with it… you adapt… you become pliable, flexible, and fluid.  You exist to serve a function… even if that function breaks you.  You feel good when you have performed what was necessary of you.  You feel bad when you fail to do so.  Morality in this setting revolves around the will of the dominant.  Right = what the dominant wants, finds pleasing, etc.   Wrong = what the dominant doesn’t want, finds displeasing, etc.

It can be hard for people who have not experienced this to understand.  It can be hard for them to witness or read about intense dynamics that require this state.  They want to ask the sub, “why would you put up with that?”  “How could you let them do that?” “How do you handle that?”

The answers to these questions for a sub in that mental space is that, those questions don’t even cross their mind.  They exist to endure.  They exist to serve a function.  They exist to be pleasing.  There is no “self” left that has an opinion that holds any real value.  There is no “self” left with enough will to state any form of defiance.  It’s not that they cannot say, “no,” it is that the mind doesn’t even perceive “no” as an option.

It is actually more common for people to experience glimpses of this or brief periods of this mental space before ever being able to immerse within it.  It is actually quite scary for both parties.  The sub may fear losing themselves that deeply and what that could lead to.  The dominant may be worried if they pushed the sub there unintentionally.

For years I had wondered what is the separating factor between subs that can reach this state and those that cannot.  I have been able to meet a handful of subs that are able to go this deep and experience a total loss of self and all of them (us) seem to have something in common and it leads me to believe that this is a learned behavior.  We have all been at some point pushed to an incredible level of emotional stress where we were truly helpless in regards to the outcome.  In these cases, our psyches were pushed so far that they “broke” and found it easier to surrender and accept what was happening than to resist and deal with reality.

This becomes a bit of a coping mechanism that can manifest itself in D/s.  When pushed hard enough, we slip into surrender and acceptance.

I know a lot of people who have stated that they do not wish to reach this point.  They always want to maintain their sense of self.  This is wise.  The subs that lose self generally were that way before engaging in consensual D/s.  Those who have not been “broken” are better off remaining intact.

If you read a lot of this and found yourself nodding along, recalling the feelings that you have experienced it, this is also the mental state known as slavespace.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

An Intro to F/m – Part 3

Blah blah, follow up to Part 1 and Part 2, stuff, disclaimers, reasons.
This is the last of these I intend to write unless people have ideas for additional topics.  The intent isn’t to bring up every possible F/m scenario, but more to illustrate some of the common concepts of the lifestyle.

This last section banks heavily upon a concept that I have written about in the past and called, Progressive Escalation.  Progressive escalation is the idea that as time passes, that the intensity of D/s dynamics will increase.  Dominants will become more dominant.  Submissives will become more submissive.  What once felt like a rush becomes boring and so you push the envelope into new territory to bring back the same level of excitement.  Most of the time when you encounter a couple that practices dynamics that have you thinking, “OMG HOW COULD THEY DO THIS??? IT’S SO MEAN!”, they have been together for quite a while.  Often it takes several years for them to hit their first plateau, but the dulling of activities and desire to take things deeper gets more and more common the farther you go.

With that in mind, it’s tough to judge a couple who have been practicing D/s for 15 years through the lens of a newbie because it is impossible to see the trust, love, and connection that has developed over years.  It is impossible to know how things grew to that point without seeing the full story.  Isolated events don’t show the progression from point A to B to C to now and so on.
Don’t get me wrong, you will find accounts of things getting VERY intense.  They aren’t for the faint of heart.  They aren’t for the newbies.  What you always have to remember is that most of these dynamics are happily consensual.

You will find male subs that haven’t had an orgasm in 5 years.  If you were to ask him, he will probably tell you that he is happy, madly in love, and loves what orgasm denial does for his submission.

You will find male subs that are forced to wear women’s clothing around the house, do all of the cooking, cleaning, and chores.  They are often kept chaste and occasionally the Domme will take on another male bull who has a bigger penis and greater sexual endurance and force her sub to suck his semen from her.  The sub may be punished for even the slightest infraction.  If you were to ask him, he will probably tell you that he is happy, madly in love, and loves what this does for the relationship and his submission.

I was going to write more examples, but honestly, I think the second one encompassed like half the stuff that freaks people out at once.

Most F/m relationships still retain a level of respect.  They almost certainly maintain an intense shared love.  Both parties are often supremely happy.  There may be dynamics that make a lot of people cringe.  Humiliation and degradation don’t appeal to all.  Some may get there over time.  Others never will.

Time changes everything.  That weekly maintenance spanking may seem so huge at the start.  After a year, it probably doesn’t feel quite the same.  A lot of people also haven’t seen what a dominant, fully confident and with their sadism unleashed, is capable of evolving to over time.  That growth wouldn’t have been possible without the love, support, and submission of a loving sub.
Dommes don’t add more rules and crank up the dominance because they hate their sub.  Dommes add more rules and crank up the dominance because they love their sub and their sub loves it too.   Sometimes, it’s just not very easy to see how it got to there.

An Intro to F/m – Part 2

Blah blah blah, follow up to Part 1 disclaimers and stuff.

In F/m, similar to M/f, you will find a variety of styles of dominance.  Well, there are actually probably fewer styles of dominance in F/m.  Mommies make up  such an astronomically small percentage of Dommes that you can almost pretend like they don’t exist, and thus, there aren’t really any reference to MD/lb dynamics.  You won’t find much in the way of brat tamers either.  Very few Dommes will tolerate bratty male subs. You will find very few male pets in F/m.  Basically, if you can picture a Domme asking, “so… what’s in it for me?”, it probably doesn’t exist or occurs in such small numbers that it appears to be nonexistent.

For the most part, you can separate Dommes into two primary styles of dominance (and this works similarly for male Doms from my experiences).  I wrote about this in Accountable? but basically, there are dominants that like to have loads of rules, protocols, and punishments and dominants that want to have the bare minimum of those things (if at all) and expect the sub to be able to comply on their own.  To try to summarize it more simply, the first type truly enjoys exercising control.  The second type prefers self-motivated compliance.

One major aspect that tends to happen regardless of type is that male subs should expect to lose their sexual freedom.  Most Dommes will want to regulate and control a sub’s orgasms right out of the gate.  This may involve simple self-control, but may also lead to chastity, ruined orgasms, and milking.  Male subs drop out of submissive mental space when they achieve an orgasm and it may take them up to several days to reach the same level of attentiveness as they did pre-orgasm.  Since this may be undesirable, it is quite common for Dommes to severely limit the frequency of a sub’s orgasms.

Another big difference with F/m is that a lot of the dominance is more passive in nature than M/f.  A lot of it revolves around pampering and requires more service-oriented submission.  It is common for a Domme to take great pleasure in having their sub on hand to give them foot rubs, back rubs, or neck rubs.  She may want him to paint her finger or toe nails and in some cases, have him learn to give manicures or pedicures.  She may want him to wait on her, give her oral pleasure whenever she wants it, and take care of any task she may give him.  He may wash her body in a bath, brush her hair, and do a lot of things that cater more to a Domme’s love of adoring attention moreso than whips and chains.  That isn’t to say that play doesn’t happen, it’s just that a lot more of the lifestyle tends to revolve around dominance and submission that occurs outside of the bedroom.

Another common factor that is very popular in F/m but often is very hit or miss in M/f, is the idea of symbolic dominance.  Many Dommes really enjoy rituals, body/foot worship, queening, CFNM, and the like that empower her with a sense of status and entitlement.  These often serve as turn-ons and create an environment that appeals to her emotional arousal and her dominance.  Do you NEED to have a sub kneeling naked on the floor, prostrated with his forehead pressed to the floor and his arms extended above him?  No, but making him hold that position might ignite something inside of her so she makes him do it.

I guess what I’m getting at is that there are some differences between M/f and F/m, but not in the ways that porn might portray them to be.

An Intro to F/m – Part 1

This is by no means meant to be any sort of comprehensive guide to F/m, mostly just some thoughts and bits of info that should help to inform people in M/f a few of the differences between M/f and F/m.  I received a lot of support in response to my last post.  I am grateful for it.  I feel like there are people who would be curious about this.  I know several bloggers have been reading and writing about the idea of the Warrior Princess sub lately, and this post should carry some similar themes.
What I am going to write here covers many F/m relationships.  I’m not going to make any claims it covers all.  I’m also not going to cover my ass and say that this is “just my own view,” as this is a combination of my own experiences and a composite of the people I have known both in real life, blogs, and the internet over the years.

There are very few “weak” male submissives living the F/m lifestyle.  One of the favorite comparisons of F/m relationships is that of a Queen and her knight.  That is, a strong and capable male that swears his obedience to the lady in power.  This creates an interesting dynamic because a weak and pathetic knight is not desirable.  In most cases the male sub is confident, capable, and motivated in his vanilla life but submissive to  his Domme at home.

This differs greatly from the stereotype that seems to plague people.  That is, a hateful woman who brutalizes and degrades some pathetic and helpless male.  This apparently makes better porn for some because a lot of the dynamics of lifestyle F/m don’t portray well “on film.”  The dynamic isn’t about bullying the weak, it is about holding power over and controlling the strong.

I have had conversations on this before with one of my favorite Domme bloggers and she absolutely loves the fact that while her husband may be physically stronger than she is, that he completely submits to her will.  The stronger, more intelligent, and more driven the male, the greater the pleasure a Domme may take in having him under her thumb.

This has complete consent.  He chooses to serve her.  She chooses to hold power over him.  The more capable he is, the more powerful she feels and the greater value she places upon him.  Most Dommes seek out “worthy” subs.

Most male subs carry a dichotomy within them.  Their public persona may very well appear alpha.  At home, their submissive persona comes to the surface.  They frequently will find themselves switching gears between the two.

I think one of the reasons that submissive mental space and vanilla space end up being so clearly defined to myself as a sub male and for many sub males is that it’s so very obvious.  At work you might be sipping at the water cooler talking about last night’s football game.  At home you might be kneeling and giving her a foot rub while wearing nothing but a collar.

There is no “natural order” here.  When you practice F/m it is a choice for both parties.  Even if a couple decides to practice some form of neo-feminism as their ideal, the reality of it is that the male could rise up and overpower her, but he chooses not to, and in turn, makes the dynamic complete by surrendering himself to her will.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Thoughts on my place

I’ve found myself feeling cloudy-headed and in an increasingly irritable mood lately.  Usually I look for some sort of critical point where things tipped for the worse.  In this case, I’m finding none of those things.  This is a case of erosion.

I’ve been blogging for a long time.  A really long time.  I’ve had friendships made through blogging come and go over the years.  There are a couple of people that I have gotten very close to through this medium.  I’ve had many more fall by the wayside.  My original purpose for blogging was to come to terms with my identity in D/s.  It wasn’t long before things shifted.  I began to write about my thoughts and the things I cared about in the lifestyle.  I began to explore ideas and things I was curious about through words.  I searched for answers to questions.  I has been a lot of fun.

At some point I found that what I mostly do is teach.  People that were eager to learn would find me.  Other times I would stumble upon those in need of guidance.  I like to talk about the ideas that aren’t covered in guides or recited as cliches anywhere you find BDSM on the web. I like to find the magical formulas that make D/s successful (e.g. if communication and consent were enough, almost everyone would be golden, right?). When you have been around the block as many times as I have, you have seen pretty much everything at least once. It makes me feel good to impart what I have learned to others when it will help them. It gives me a sense of purpose while D/s doesn’t exist in my life. Things had been going pretty well on that front recently.

What has been wearing me down isn’t something I can articulate easily. The “scene” I am currently immersed in is not my natural habitat. People have bee accepting of me and open to my ideas but there are times when topics come up that just make me feel off and/or out of place.

The past few times I have hopped in with groups it has been similar. I am the token male sub. The first task is always to break down the stereotypes of F/m. Dommes aren’t raging man-haters that abuse the hell out of some poor soul that shouldn’t even be there in the first place. I don’t even know where this idea comes from. I still end up having to overcome it. A lot of people end up feeling naive that they didn’t understand that D/s is D/s, regardless of if it’s M/f or F/m. Flipping the slash doesn’t make relationships non-loving or miserable.

Once the stereotypes are broken it’s a lot easier to talk about things in a mutually-understood way… for a while. There is a period of connection, friendship building, and camaraderie that feels great. I feel like I belong. That feeling is rare for me. Over time, things inevitably start to eat away at me because of numerous reminders that my role is not perceived as legitimate. This is rarely if ever thrown in my face intentionally. It is rarely blatant. I doubt people even realize they are doing it.
Before I go any farther I do want to mention that I’m debating not posting this. I don’t want to come off as some “whoa is me whiner” with thin skin looking for someone to play a violin for the depressing emo-boy. It took me days to recognize that this is legitimately affecting me in a negative way and not just some downswing in mood. I also don’t mean for this to guilt trip anyone. If anything, I just want people to be aware of it and that it does have an impact.

There are ideas that perpetuate that are really ugly. They are ideas that in any other arena, people would be offended by them. For some reason in M/f, it’s easy for people to believe that this is the correct orientation. Men dominate, women submit. People make these statements. They nod and agree. They will talk about how equality was ruining their marriage and now that the man has taken charge, the woman realizes what a bitch she has been and obviously needed to be dominated. This is the natural order and now everything is perfect. Feminism is destroying the world. They nod and agree.

I sit back and shake my head. D/s isn’t a perfect substitute for maturity. I think in many cases when people take responsibility in their roles they mature. I think this maturing could have been done without D/s. I think people can choose who they want to be instead of just following baser emotions. When people enact D/s they choose who they want to be sometimes for the first time in a long time. I don’t think this has anything to do with natural order. I think it has everything to do with people truly trying to understand the one that they love and what will make them truly happy. This can happen without D/s even if D/s was their vehicle for finding it.

I shouldn’t have to explain why the sexist nature of the common view bothers me. I’ve ranted about it before. I will simply make a comparison statement. If a man said that women shouldn’t be CEOs or in hold government office because men are better take charge leaders, many people would get pretty damn offended. Very few people would nod and agree.

The other factor is at the core of what wears me down. If M/f is the natural order, then I am an abomination. I shouldn’t exist. My existence becomes trivialized. If people really see my role and existence as real, they could not and would not make those types of sexist statements, nor agree with them. They would probably get offended.

If someone truly sees me and accepts me, they would not even think those things.

I’m not really going to take this any farther as anything more I could say is only beating a dead horse. What I can say is that experiencing weeks of this has worn me down and I feel unnerved. It doesn’t feel good. A Domme friend of mine told me that she thinks it’s easier for a man to come out as gay than to come out as submissive. I’ve agreed with her since I read that statement the first time and still agree with it now.

Hopefully I didn’t piss anyone off by writing this. If so, I apologize in advance as it wasn’t my intent.