I’ve met a lot of people recently that just love to be plugged. I
find this oddly curious as it is something I hate. To the best of my
knowledge, I have known there was a small percentage of women who love
anal, a large percentage of women who hate anal, and I had always
guessed, another percentage of women who claim to hate anal but secretly
actually love it.
The majority that love plugs or being taken anally tend to reference
that they enjoy it because it’s humiliating. This says to me that they
have come to terms with desiring something because of how it makes them
feel. I still get hung up on things like these… especially when it
comes to the bum.
I’m not sure where the mental hurdle or the PTSD reactions come from
within me. I haven’t been raped or molested in that way. I’m not
homophobic. I actually think that pegging can be beautifully intimate…
for other people. I have to wonder if this stems back to when I was
first taught that I was allowed to have limits. Everything was spinning
around in my brain at blinding speeds that when it came to the topic of
anal and I felt my sphincter pucker, I instinctively said, “oh, hell
no,” and jotted it down on my list of hard limits.
To those who dislike any form of anal play but managed to desire it
openly because of what it does to their submissive mental space, I
salute you. You are a braver and more evolved person than I am.
Friday, November 3, 2017
Thoughts on Weakness
So often I find that people try to hide their weaknesses. They mask
them. They ignore them. They don’t want anyone to see them. I’ve
never really been a fan of this… because most of the time, everyone can
still see them anyways.
I see my weaknesses every time I look at myself. I see every flaw, bad habit, negative tendency, and struggle. I try to fix what I can fix. What I can’t fix I try to compensate for… or over-compensate for in order to make it less detrimental.
So often people cater to their strengths and avoid dealing with their weaknesses at all costs. Does this ever make us stronger? With enough work, we can turn weaknesses into strengths. Well, not always, but we can usually turn weaknesses into sources of strength.
Thoughts like these make me worry about healing. If I felt good about myself, would I still be able to find the endless motivation to continue my never-ending quest for improvement? If I ever felt, “good enough,” would this in fact actually be good enough? Or would I be setting myself up for another string of failures? These questions scare me enough to wonder if healing is every the right choice for me.
I’ve felt invisible for so long. Hidden from the world. Camouflaged in with the masses. Sometimes I can even pass as normal. Deep down, I want (some) people to see me… all of me… all of my fucked up broken-ness and accept me. The thought of this is both terrifying and peaceful. The more that it happens, the more addicted to it I become. Will I ever feel safe needing this? I don’t know.
I see my weaknesses every time I look at myself. I see every flaw, bad habit, negative tendency, and struggle. I try to fix what I can fix. What I can’t fix I try to compensate for… or over-compensate for in order to make it less detrimental.
So often people cater to their strengths and avoid dealing with their weaknesses at all costs. Does this ever make us stronger? With enough work, we can turn weaknesses into strengths. Well, not always, but we can usually turn weaknesses into sources of strength.
Thoughts like these make me worry about healing. If I felt good about myself, would I still be able to find the endless motivation to continue my never-ending quest for improvement? If I ever felt, “good enough,” would this in fact actually be good enough? Or would I be setting myself up for another string of failures? These questions scare me enough to wonder if healing is every the right choice for me.
I’ve felt invisible for so long. Hidden from the world. Camouflaged in with the masses. Sometimes I can even pass as normal. Deep down, I want (some) people to see me… all of me… all of my fucked up broken-ness and accept me. The thought of this is both terrifying and peaceful. The more that it happens, the more addicted to it I become. Will I ever feel safe needing this? I don’t know.
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Thoughts about Poly
A good friend of mine recently asked me for my serious thoughts on
poly. I’d thought about it a bit in the past, once as a possibility
when I started to give up hope of finding a Domme, and the rest has
mostly been in the fantasy realm. I do find it interesting to think
about though, so here are my thoughts spinning upon them.
I’m really not all that fond of an F/m/m situation. I wouldn’t be 100% against it though. My criteria for this though would be that I would still have to be the #1 sub, and I would prefer it if there was limited sexual contact between the Domme and #2. I could see myself accepting this if #2 were to positively contribute to our lives. Someone to help with bills, putting food on the table, and the like wouldn’t be bad. Someone willing to take on all the crappiest chores that I hate doing wouldn’t be bad. Someone willing to take on the certain types of play that I really do not like wouldn’t be all bad. I would probably have to be friends with this person first. I’m not sure how viable this is. That being said, I would not be 100% opposed to this, it just doesn’t really “do it” for me aside from a functional standpoint.
F/f/m is different for me. I have thought about this quite a lot and there was even a time when T and I put up an ad seeking a woman to be our 3rd. From a fantasy standpoint, I can only picture myself as being the lower ranking sub. That is, while we would both be subs, she would have the power to give me commands as well. While I’m pretty sure that I would be able to handle this in reality, I’m not sure if the long-run existence would be as desirable as say, us being equal where we both contribute on the service side of things. The “she outranks me” scenario definitely speaks more strongly to my submissive mental space.
The rest of it gets really complicated. Would I want her to respect me? Probably, although it might get really interesting if she didn’t. Would I want us both to be the Domme’s lovers, or would I want her to be favored in this regards? Realistically, I would probably prefer to still feel a strong romantic connection, but I am curious as to what it might feel like to be limited or restricted. e.g. I only get romantic attention if the other sub is not there.
Would I want her to be nice/kind to me? At times, probably, but I’m not sure about all the time. It seems like it might be exciting if she had some evil in her and was a bit jealous. My gut tells me a switch would be a better fit than a full sub.
I could actually see a lifestyle being lived in a way that would be very sexy and fun for all of us. I think it could be sustainable. It would probably take a good while to find the right fit and build enough trust to make it work, but it’s something I would be open to trying. Although, it would be a lot better if she also liked fur.
I’m really not all that fond of an F/m/m situation. I wouldn’t be 100% against it though. My criteria for this though would be that I would still have to be the #1 sub, and I would prefer it if there was limited sexual contact between the Domme and #2. I could see myself accepting this if #2 were to positively contribute to our lives. Someone to help with bills, putting food on the table, and the like wouldn’t be bad. Someone willing to take on all the crappiest chores that I hate doing wouldn’t be bad. Someone willing to take on the certain types of play that I really do not like wouldn’t be all bad. I would probably have to be friends with this person first. I’m not sure how viable this is. That being said, I would not be 100% opposed to this, it just doesn’t really “do it” for me aside from a functional standpoint.
F/f/m is different for me. I have thought about this quite a lot and there was even a time when T and I put up an ad seeking a woman to be our 3rd. From a fantasy standpoint, I can only picture myself as being the lower ranking sub. That is, while we would both be subs, she would have the power to give me commands as well. While I’m pretty sure that I would be able to handle this in reality, I’m not sure if the long-run existence would be as desirable as say, us being equal where we both contribute on the service side of things. The “she outranks me” scenario definitely speaks more strongly to my submissive mental space.
The rest of it gets really complicated. Would I want her to respect me? Probably, although it might get really interesting if she didn’t. Would I want us both to be the Domme’s lovers, or would I want her to be favored in this regards? Realistically, I would probably prefer to still feel a strong romantic connection, but I am curious as to what it might feel like to be limited or restricted. e.g. I only get romantic attention if the other sub is not there.
Would I want her to be nice/kind to me? At times, probably, but I’m not sure about all the time. It seems like it might be exciting if she had some evil in her and was a bit jealous. My gut tells me a switch would be a better fit than a full sub.
I could actually see a lifestyle being lived in a way that would be very sexy and fun for all of us. I think it could be sustainable. It would probably take a good while to find the right fit and build enough trust to make it work, but it’s something I would be open to trying. Although, it would be a lot better if she also liked fur.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Sexism in D/s
Note: Still writing with a fever, but this is a rant post, so…
I don’t expect everyone to like me. Hell, I only expect a fraction of people out there will like me. I am opinionated and can be confrontational. I have a somewhat dry, crass, and perverse sense of humor. I don’t go out of my way to make people dislike me, but I also won’t bend over backwards to try to make everyone like me.
In turn, I don’t expect to like everyone. I know that some people will rub me the wrong way. I know that we all come from different walks of life and have different world views. That being said, one of the easiest ways to ensure that you won’t have my respect is to be sexist.
Having recently joined a newer kink community, I have unfortunately encountered someone that while I have barely spoken to them, they have managed to sour me on them as a person so greatly, that I have no intention to speak to them. The crap that comes out of their mouth makes me sorry that human-kind still has to deal with this type of individual.
I have to say that it bums me out when I hear a dominant use sexism to justify their dominance. Men strong, women weak. It is the natural order for women to submit to men. Ignore the fact that I am part of the F/m lifestyle, and I still find this ignorant on offensive on a number of levels. It takes every ounce of my strength to avoid “getting into it” with this person. They don’t mean enough to me to bother. I don’t mind ranting about it here though.
While there are a number of philosophies that people use in their approach to the lifestyle, most would agree that consent ranks pretty highly. Both people want it. Both people agree to it. The concept of a natural order destroys the value of consent. It doesn’t matter if they should want it, this is the natural order of things. It puts an abusive wife-beater in the same position of dominance as a loving, caring, nurturing dominant. It implies there is a natural birth right by being born your gender. If you are a man, you should dominate. If you are a woman, you should submit. It flows along with hereditary rule, “divine right,” caste systems, and every other system that failed throughout history because it put people into power without regard for their capacity or skill to rule. It is the same logic that perpetuated race-based slavery and segregation. If we are inherently unequal, should we still give them the right to vote and own property? If this person can’t see the implications of this belief structure, should they really be talking about it?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that everyone is created equal. I think that both nature and nurture come into play. I think that some people have a greater capacity to be a good dominant than others. Should every male be a dominant? Hell no. Should every female be a dominant? Hell no. Something so basic that says nothing about strength of character and responsibility should not be the deciding factor.
Another aspect of this idea that bothers me so deeply is that is diminishes the value of submission. Being a good submissive is not easy. It is not for the weak. It is not something that should be taken for granted. Being a good submissive is a lot of work. It takes a lot of dedication, love, trust, and courage. You aren’t just “born that way.”
I don’t even see this as a conversation topic. I mean, shit, it’s 2017 right? Not 1817.
If someone wants to believe in this, I respect their right to have that opinion. I just don’t want them to say it around me or I have the right to think they are a douche bag.
I don’t expect everyone to like me. Hell, I only expect a fraction of people out there will like me. I am opinionated and can be confrontational. I have a somewhat dry, crass, and perverse sense of humor. I don’t go out of my way to make people dislike me, but I also won’t bend over backwards to try to make everyone like me.
In turn, I don’t expect to like everyone. I know that some people will rub me the wrong way. I know that we all come from different walks of life and have different world views. That being said, one of the easiest ways to ensure that you won’t have my respect is to be sexist.
Having recently joined a newer kink community, I have unfortunately encountered someone that while I have barely spoken to them, they have managed to sour me on them as a person so greatly, that I have no intention to speak to them. The crap that comes out of their mouth makes me sorry that human-kind still has to deal with this type of individual.
I have to say that it bums me out when I hear a dominant use sexism to justify their dominance. Men strong, women weak. It is the natural order for women to submit to men. Ignore the fact that I am part of the F/m lifestyle, and I still find this ignorant on offensive on a number of levels. It takes every ounce of my strength to avoid “getting into it” with this person. They don’t mean enough to me to bother. I don’t mind ranting about it here though.
While there are a number of philosophies that people use in their approach to the lifestyle, most would agree that consent ranks pretty highly. Both people want it. Both people agree to it. The concept of a natural order destroys the value of consent. It doesn’t matter if they should want it, this is the natural order of things. It puts an abusive wife-beater in the same position of dominance as a loving, caring, nurturing dominant. It implies there is a natural birth right by being born your gender. If you are a man, you should dominate. If you are a woman, you should submit. It flows along with hereditary rule, “divine right,” caste systems, and every other system that failed throughout history because it put people into power without regard for their capacity or skill to rule. It is the same logic that perpetuated race-based slavery and segregation. If we are inherently unequal, should we still give them the right to vote and own property? If this person can’t see the implications of this belief structure, should they really be talking about it?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that everyone is created equal. I think that both nature and nurture come into play. I think that some people have a greater capacity to be a good dominant than others. Should every male be a dominant? Hell no. Should every female be a dominant? Hell no. Something so basic that says nothing about strength of character and responsibility should not be the deciding factor.
Another aspect of this idea that bothers me so deeply is that is diminishes the value of submission. Being a good submissive is not easy. It is not for the weak. It is not something that should be taken for granted. Being a good submissive is a lot of work. It takes a lot of dedication, love, trust, and courage. You aren’t just “born that way.”
I don’t even see this as a conversation topic. I mean, shit, it’s 2017 right? Not 1817.
If someone wants to believe in this, I respect their right to have that opinion. I just don’t want them to say it around me or I have the right to think they are a douche bag.
I am not immune…
I sit now and ache… knowing that I am a few hours away from being able to find myself. I wish that knowledge made me more patient, but it just makes me want it even more.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Service-Oriented Submissive Mental Space – The Other Side
Note: I am still writing with a fever. I am hoping to remain coherent.
In a post from yesterday I talked about how reaching a mindset of service-oriented submission and the calm it yields was a half-truth. I handled it a bit ham-handedly and I thought it would be good to expand upon that statement. Half-truth was the wrong descriptor for it, as there is a lot of truth in it. The problem is that it isn’t a “light-switch” concept. You don’t tell it to someone and they go, “oh, I get it now, I’ll be like that from now on.”
What tends to actually happen is that subs will either resist the concept or in other cases, it just makes them feel bad. The people who seek and are given this advice are frequently in the midst of their frenzied ache. They are hurting, confused, and trying to find solace in anything they can. If you strip away the delicacy, recommending service-oriented submission as a means of calming the soul basically says, “your form of submission is selfish. Here is what you should actually feel.” This feeds a shame spiral that makes the ache even worse, as there is an additional layer of guilt dumped upon the already difficult task of communicating that you NEED something that isn’t there.
A lot of this goes back to some of the ideas that I wrote in Temperament and Patience. Unless you are one of the lucky few that naturally gravitates towards service-oriented submission, there is a very strong chance that your submissive self will have to mature to reach this point. In many ways it resembles how children learn the concept of sharing and giving. When young you might not want to give up half of your cookie because it means you get less cookie. When older you may give up half of your cookie because it is fair and you may end up with another half of a cookie at a later date. Later you may wish to give up your whole cookie because the joy of watching someone else’s excitement at receiving the cookie outweighs the temporary pleasure of eating it yourself. This last stage is where the joy of service submission falls.
When you reach this stage, you do find an extra sense of peace. You find much of your submission in doing things for others. You find yourself aching and desiring less for things to be done to you. You start thinking of ways to please them. While it may not satiate all of your needs, it will keep many of them from reaching a state of desperation.
Reaching this state of mind can take a while. It took me a few years. It is an ideal concept to keep in mind as you grow through submission. It isn’t wrong to not feel it right now. It isn’t bad that it doesn’t make sense just yet. Just try not to ignore it and deny its existence. As long as you keep it in the back of your mind, you may find it someday.
In a post from yesterday I talked about how reaching a mindset of service-oriented submission and the calm it yields was a half-truth. I handled it a bit ham-handedly and I thought it would be good to expand upon that statement. Half-truth was the wrong descriptor for it, as there is a lot of truth in it. The problem is that it isn’t a “light-switch” concept. You don’t tell it to someone and they go, “oh, I get it now, I’ll be like that from now on.”
What tends to actually happen is that subs will either resist the concept or in other cases, it just makes them feel bad. The people who seek and are given this advice are frequently in the midst of their frenzied ache. They are hurting, confused, and trying to find solace in anything they can. If you strip away the delicacy, recommending service-oriented submission as a means of calming the soul basically says, “your form of submission is selfish. Here is what you should actually feel.” This feeds a shame spiral that makes the ache even worse, as there is an additional layer of guilt dumped upon the already difficult task of communicating that you NEED something that isn’t there.
A lot of this goes back to some of the ideas that I wrote in Temperament and Patience. Unless you are one of the lucky few that naturally gravitates towards service-oriented submission, there is a very strong chance that your submissive self will have to mature to reach this point. In many ways it resembles how children learn the concept of sharing and giving. When young you might not want to give up half of your cookie because it means you get less cookie. When older you may give up half of your cookie because it is fair and you may end up with another half of a cookie at a later date. Later you may wish to give up your whole cookie because the joy of watching someone else’s excitement at receiving the cookie outweighs the temporary pleasure of eating it yourself. This last stage is where the joy of service submission falls.
When you reach this stage, you do find an extra sense of peace. You find much of your submission in doing things for others. You find yourself aching and desiring less for things to be done to you. You start thinking of ways to please them. While it may not satiate all of your needs, it will keep many of them from reaching a state of desperation.
Reaching this state of mind can take a while. It took me a few years. It is an ideal concept to keep in mind as you grow through submission. It isn’t wrong to not feel it right now. It isn’t bad that it doesn’t make sense just yet. Just try not to ignore it and deny its existence. As long as you keep it in the back of your mind, you may find it someday.
Creating your own service-oriented submissive mental space
NOTE: So I got sick this weekend and I’ve had a fever all day.
Apparently writing with a fever makes me sound like an arrogant douche
bag… or at least that’s my own personal impression of the last post or
two that I made.
My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department. I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.
Service is often viewed as the pinnacle of submission. Enjoying service is that ideal mental state where you cast aside your own desires and dedicate your energy towards your dominant. A lot of people separate what service is based upon its motive. If you do it purely out of love for the dominant, it is pure. If you do it for praise, it is selfish and impure. If you have a fetish for it, it is also impure.
I try not to make such judgments because I rarely think anything is that black and white. Is there true altruism blah blah blah. I don’t think people really do anything for one reason. I think there are a multitude of factors in play and your resulting action is the balancing point of those factors within you. Yourself, others, the present, the past, the future. We are more complicated than binary yes/no answers.
Curiously enough, the topic of service-oriented submission most frequently comes up on the topic of subs that find themselves “starving” for dominance and overwhelmed by the ache of their submissive needs. The advice is often presented in a manner that implies that they have an inferior view of submission. They need to evolve their mental state and become a submissive Buddha, who turns to service to achieve enlightenment. I understand this advice on face value, but in my opinion, I think it is a half-truth.
What many people who embrace the service side of submission have actually done, is create a service-oriented submissive mental space (I will call this service subspace for ease). They have been able to tap into their submission and channel subspace through service. This cures the ache. This makes you feel fulfilled on your own. You feel submissive in the absence of dominance.
Is this pure? Who cares, if it works. The goal was to cure the ache, right? What I plan to share here is a way for you to create your own service subspace. This may work for people who are in relationships or those who are single who want a way to be more motivated by service. It follows the same procedure that your original spaces likely formed: fantasy.
You will need to craft a series of fantasies about service. It’s probably easiest if I make an example and just elaborate on it as I go. My topic of choice: scrubbing floors. We all know how sexy scrubbing floors is on its own, it ranks up there with sex, bondage, and spanking for most of you, right?
The first step is to create the environment and your place within it. Think about what makes you feel most submissive.
The next step is to picture the dominant(s) involved and their behavior.
To achieve maximum effect, you will want as many of these fantasies as you have tedious and mundane activities you are responsible for. These may include but are not limited to: cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, and so on. Rather than try to force yourself into a mindset that craves these activities, it is much easier to create attractive fantasies that put you into a service subspace when you think about these activities.
If that means you fantasize that you are naked except for collar and cuffs, on your hands and knees with an anal plug inside you, scrubbing way on the floor while your dominant watches you in a comfy chair from across the room before making you kneel while they inspect your work, grab you by the hair and point your face at any inadequacies, before punishing your bare bottom and taking you for their pleasure, so be it. I can think of worse things to think about.
My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department. I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.
Service is often viewed as the pinnacle of submission. Enjoying service is that ideal mental state where you cast aside your own desires and dedicate your energy towards your dominant. A lot of people separate what service is based upon its motive. If you do it purely out of love for the dominant, it is pure. If you do it for praise, it is selfish and impure. If you have a fetish for it, it is also impure.
I try not to make such judgments because I rarely think anything is that black and white. Is there true altruism blah blah blah. I don’t think people really do anything for one reason. I think there are a multitude of factors in play and your resulting action is the balancing point of those factors within you. Yourself, others, the present, the past, the future. We are more complicated than binary yes/no answers.
Curiously enough, the topic of service-oriented submission most frequently comes up on the topic of subs that find themselves “starving” for dominance and overwhelmed by the ache of their submissive needs. The advice is often presented in a manner that implies that they have an inferior view of submission. They need to evolve their mental state and become a submissive Buddha, who turns to service to achieve enlightenment. I understand this advice on face value, but in my opinion, I think it is a half-truth.
What many people who embrace the service side of submission have actually done, is create a service-oriented submissive mental space (I will call this service subspace for ease). They have been able to tap into their submission and channel subspace through service. This cures the ache. This makes you feel fulfilled on your own. You feel submissive in the absence of dominance.
Is this pure? Who cares, if it works. The goal was to cure the ache, right? What I plan to share here is a way for you to create your own service subspace. This may work for people who are in relationships or those who are single who want a way to be more motivated by service. It follows the same procedure that your original spaces likely formed: fantasy.
You will need to craft a series of fantasies about service. It’s probably easiest if I make an example and just elaborate on it as I go. My topic of choice: scrubbing floors. We all know how sexy scrubbing floors is on its own, it ranks up there with sex, bondage, and spanking for most of you, right?
The first step is to create the environment and your place within it. Think about what makes you feel most submissive.
- Are you naked? Wearing a uniform? Wearing clothes that please your dominant? Choose the one that makes you feel most submissive.
- How about add-ons? Collar? Cuffs? Anal plug? Nipple clamps? Humbler? Dungeon shackles? Gag?
- Is it meant to be practical, a display of your status, or feel like punishment? Does your answer imply anything else? Would they tether your wrists to your collar? Lock your ankles together or separate them with a spreader bar? Would you be tethered to a wall-ring, creating some “hard to reach” areas?
- This is your fantasy, feel free to go wild and come up with anything else you think would help.
The next step is to picture the dominant(s) involved and their behavior.
- Is it your dominant? A stranger? Someone else? Is it more than one? Does their official role give them power over you? e.g. prison guard, slave-master, overseer/supervisor, etc.
- Are you left to scrub by yourself in silence? Is there someone towering over you critiquing your every move with crop in hand? Is there someone who checks in on you ever so often to make sure you stay on task?
- Are they harsh? Are they kind? Do they bully you? Are they fair? Are they cold? Are they warm? Are they wicked? Force you to perform sexual acts?
- When you are done and they inspect your work, how do they act? Proud of a job well done? Overly critical and demanding perfection? Do they force you to assume a posture while they inspect it? If there are any mistakes do you have to redo it all? Fix the spot you missed?
- Will you be punished? Will you be rewarded? Will there be a reminder of “your place”? Will it reflect the quality of your work?
- Will there be sex? What kind? Will it be hot? Will it be rough? Are you meant to like it?
- Will there be play? What kind? Will it be hot? Will it be rough? Are you meant to like it?
To achieve maximum effect, you will want as many of these fantasies as you have tedious and mundane activities you are responsible for. These may include but are not limited to: cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, and so on. Rather than try to force yourself into a mindset that craves these activities, it is much easier to create attractive fantasies that put you into a service subspace when you think about these activities.
If that means you fantasize that you are naked except for collar and cuffs, on your hands and knees with an anal plug inside you, scrubbing way on the floor while your dominant watches you in a comfy chair from across the room before making you kneel while they inspect your work, grab you by the hair and point your face at any inadequacies, before punishing your bare bottom and taking you for their pleasure, so be it. I can think of worse things to think about.
When we say, “slow down,” this is what we mean
Note: So I got sick this weekend and I’ve had a fever all day.
Apparently writing with a fever makes me sound like an arrogant douche
bag… or at least that’s my own personal impression of the last post or
two that I made.
My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department. I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.
I was recently helping someone with the advice to “slow down,” in a newer D/s relationship. This advice is really difficult for many people to accept. Or I guess a better way of putting it, this advice is very difficult to apply, because it is hard for people to understand the reasons behind it.
A lot of the wisdom the veterans try to impart upon the newer people are lessons that take time to learn. Just telling someone the answers isn’t the same as getting them to understand why those are the answers. The problem with knowing just the answers is that people can find it artificially empowering. “I know what it is supposed to be, no problem.” Unfortunately a lot of concepts and mindsets require growing into. They need to put the pieces together in order to know why they are there and what it does.
I get down on a lot of cliches in BDSM because by the time they hit the masses as common knowledge, it’s easy to recite the words, but hardly any thought is put into the meaning. “This is the way things are.”
The other night I described it in a way that might be helpful for some. If you remember math class, you might remember that each chapter covered a particular theme and then that chapter was broken down into sections.
The early sections gave you the basic formulas and theorems of the theme and they gradually built upon them to reach the more advanced versions. You didn’t do it all at once. Section one gave you a basic formula. You would then do 30 practice problems applying that formula. The second section built upon the first, adding a variation or additional concept. You would then do 30 practice problems applying those new concepts to the old. This repeated until completing section 10. By the time you were there, you had put the theme into practical application ~300 times. The pieces fit together. You understood how you got there. You understood how to use it. What followed was the chapter test, forcing you to apply those concepts and solve problems.
You may have known people who skipped all of the practice problems because they had a note card full of formulas you were allowed to have with you. While they may have been able to solve many of the problems correctly, they likely didn’t have as thorough of an understanding as the people who went through the work. If they did that for the entire length of the course… they often struggled like hell on the final.
What happens in D/s is that the final is your life. When people start charging head-long towards 24/7 because they “have the answers,” they are rushing in without a complete understanding. They have their note card without the formulas, but without the practice necessary to master the material and grasp total understanding of the concepts.
Building it up, step by step, ensures that you have a solid foundation to work from. It ensures that everything you have going is functional and practical for the both of you. Those who have gone through it understand that the idea of “we are supposed to be here _______,” doesn’t really exist. You are what you build and create and the pace and direction that matches your growth. Trying to skip those steps can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of damage.
My apologies if either of them came off that way, my brain is feeling pretty cloudy and lacking in the eloquence department. I hope you can accept the message and forgive my lack of tact in its presentation.
I was recently helping someone with the advice to “slow down,” in a newer D/s relationship. This advice is really difficult for many people to accept. Or I guess a better way of putting it, this advice is very difficult to apply, because it is hard for people to understand the reasons behind it.
A lot of the wisdom the veterans try to impart upon the newer people are lessons that take time to learn. Just telling someone the answers isn’t the same as getting them to understand why those are the answers. The problem with knowing just the answers is that people can find it artificially empowering. “I know what it is supposed to be, no problem.” Unfortunately a lot of concepts and mindsets require growing into. They need to put the pieces together in order to know why they are there and what it does.
I get down on a lot of cliches in BDSM because by the time they hit the masses as common knowledge, it’s easy to recite the words, but hardly any thought is put into the meaning. “This is the way things are.”
The other night I described it in a way that might be helpful for some. If you remember math class, you might remember that each chapter covered a particular theme and then that chapter was broken down into sections.
The early sections gave you the basic formulas and theorems of the theme and they gradually built upon them to reach the more advanced versions. You didn’t do it all at once. Section one gave you a basic formula. You would then do 30 practice problems applying that formula. The second section built upon the first, adding a variation or additional concept. You would then do 30 practice problems applying those new concepts to the old. This repeated until completing section 10. By the time you were there, you had put the theme into practical application ~300 times. The pieces fit together. You understood how you got there. You understood how to use it. What followed was the chapter test, forcing you to apply those concepts and solve problems.
You may have known people who skipped all of the practice problems because they had a note card full of formulas you were allowed to have with you. While they may have been able to solve many of the problems correctly, they likely didn’t have as thorough of an understanding as the people who went through the work. If they did that for the entire length of the course… they often struggled like hell on the final.
What happens in D/s is that the final is your life. When people start charging head-long towards 24/7 because they “have the answers,” they are rushing in without a complete understanding. They have their note card without the formulas, but without the practice necessary to master the material and grasp total understanding of the concepts.
Building it up, step by step, ensures that you have a solid foundation to work from. It ensures that everything you have going is functional and practical for the both of you. Those who have gone through it understand that the idea of “we are supposed to be here _______,” doesn’t really exist. You are what you build and create and the pace and direction that matches your growth. Trying to skip those steps can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of damage.
Thoughts on Conformity
Originally written 10/27/17
I was reading Leda in Hand yesterday and I was able to get an outlook on the different expectations of conformity in the D/s scene. In a lot of ways the expectations of conformity differ greatly based upon your role and gender. It made me think about conversations I have had in the past where people had mentioned that they felt envious or felt like they were shunned or scolded for not immediately adopting a given mentality. I also asked a few others last night about this topic and got similar responses. These experiences differ a lot from my own and I find that quite interesting. I also thought a lot about how I fit (or don’t fit) into those ideas in how I present many of the topics I write about in my posts. I don’t really have a direction in this post, I’m just sort of dumping my thoughts out on paper.
I think when we look at conformity in general there are a number of reasons. Some of these reasons are good, others, not so good. On the good side, there are a number of law and social mores that are in place to protect us. While some could argue a lot of these are designed to preserve social order, which is true, I think a lot of us are glad that they are in place to protect us as individuals. Don’t kill. Don’t steal. Don’t hurt people. In my opinion, these are some pretty good ideas and I think we feel better and safer the more that people conform to those. I know in high school, the kids that always preached anarchy probably wouldn’t have lasted more than 48 hours in a post-apocalyptic wasteland ruled by motorcycle gangs battling for petrol.
Conformity as a means of control gets trickier. Squashing the expression of individuality is effective, but in today’s day and age, it gets heavily frowned upon. There’s a fine line between protecting us as individuals and limiting our ability to be individuals. History doesn’t think very highly of regimes that regularly crossed that line and it seems that many in power fail to recognize that these mistakes often lead to the oppressed toppling that power.
Conformity as a means of validation is probably my least favorite (read as: most despised) of these. This is the herd. This is peer pressure. This is shaming. This is hazing as a right of passage. You need to conform so that I can feel good about my choices and station. That’s weak-ass nonsense. We all seek validation, but I would rather my validation come through logic, rational thought, and a belief that what I am doing is right. History also doesn’t think very highly of mobs that do things “because everyone else was doing it.” In its worst form, the herd makes the individual fear exclusion and they conform reluctantly. The problem about adopting a belief structure in this way is that it becomes lip service. Whatever meaning it originally had is now lost. People lose understanding of why it was done in the first place. They become a system of non-thinkers who can only recite the words they are expected to say. Don’t think, just do. I don’t blame people for wanting to fit in. I blame the system for making them feel like they HAVE to fit in or they are screwed up. I blame the individuals that choose to perpetuate it from inside the herd.
So, how does this all apply to D/s?
You will encounter a huge number of people who give advice, both directly and indirectly. Those who seek advice are generally people who are learning and/or struggling. When you are hurting, confused, or both, it can be difficult to interpret where someone’s words are coming from. You need help, they offer it. It can often take a while to understand if advice is meant to protect you or if it is meant to validate them and indoctrinate you into the herd.
When I think about this, I sometimes fear that someone will be like, “hey, you hypocrite, you write what people should do all the time!” I fear that I am what I despise. I suppose that insecurity probably helps keep me from straying (too far) off the path. I don’t usually expect anyone will listen to me, let alone consider what I’m saying has value or truth. I try explain what and why. I want to protect them and teach them to protect themselves. Give them glimpses of what a mindset could be but also tell them about the process of getting there. It isn’t an on/off switch, but an ideal that can be reached through time and experience. Immediately adhering to empty lip service has no value and undermines the process by devouring the reason for the message.
Mostly I try to let people know that a future exists where they will not be hurting and try to make sure their path to that future is clear of obstructions. That path often requires development both on an internal and external level. I remember which lessons have to be learned first hand and how they take time to sink in. I do not tell someone what to think, I try to present ideas that can be thought about.
That is okay, right?
I was reading Leda in Hand yesterday and I was able to get an outlook on the different expectations of conformity in the D/s scene. In a lot of ways the expectations of conformity differ greatly based upon your role and gender. It made me think about conversations I have had in the past where people had mentioned that they felt envious or felt like they were shunned or scolded for not immediately adopting a given mentality. I also asked a few others last night about this topic and got similar responses. These experiences differ a lot from my own and I find that quite interesting. I also thought a lot about how I fit (or don’t fit) into those ideas in how I present many of the topics I write about in my posts. I don’t really have a direction in this post, I’m just sort of dumping my thoughts out on paper.
I think when we look at conformity in general there are a number of reasons. Some of these reasons are good, others, not so good. On the good side, there are a number of law and social mores that are in place to protect us. While some could argue a lot of these are designed to preserve social order, which is true, I think a lot of us are glad that they are in place to protect us as individuals. Don’t kill. Don’t steal. Don’t hurt people. In my opinion, these are some pretty good ideas and I think we feel better and safer the more that people conform to those. I know in high school, the kids that always preached anarchy probably wouldn’t have lasted more than 48 hours in a post-apocalyptic wasteland ruled by motorcycle gangs battling for petrol.
Conformity as a means of control gets trickier. Squashing the expression of individuality is effective, but in today’s day and age, it gets heavily frowned upon. There’s a fine line between protecting us as individuals and limiting our ability to be individuals. History doesn’t think very highly of regimes that regularly crossed that line and it seems that many in power fail to recognize that these mistakes often lead to the oppressed toppling that power.
Conformity as a means of validation is probably my least favorite (read as: most despised) of these. This is the herd. This is peer pressure. This is shaming. This is hazing as a right of passage. You need to conform so that I can feel good about my choices and station. That’s weak-ass nonsense. We all seek validation, but I would rather my validation come through logic, rational thought, and a belief that what I am doing is right. History also doesn’t think very highly of mobs that do things “because everyone else was doing it.” In its worst form, the herd makes the individual fear exclusion and they conform reluctantly. The problem about adopting a belief structure in this way is that it becomes lip service. Whatever meaning it originally had is now lost. People lose understanding of why it was done in the first place. They become a system of non-thinkers who can only recite the words they are expected to say. Don’t think, just do. I don’t blame people for wanting to fit in. I blame the system for making them feel like they HAVE to fit in or they are screwed up. I blame the individuals that choose to perpetuate it from inside the herd.
So, how does this all apply to D/s?
You will encounter a huge number of people who give advice, both directly and indirectly. Those who seek advice are generally people who are learning and/or struggling. When you are hurting, confused, or both, it can be difficult to interpret where someone’s words are coming from. You need help, they offer it. It can often take a while to understand if advice is meant to protect you or if it is meant to validate them and indoctrinate you into the herd.
When I think about this, I sometimes fear that someone will be like, “hey, you hypocrite, you write what people should do all the time!” I fear that I am what I despise. I suppose that insecurity probably helps keep me from straying (too far) off the path. I don’t usually expect anyone will listen to me, let alone consider what I’m saying has value or truth. I try explain what and why. I want to protect them and teach them to protect themselves. Give them glimpses of what a mindset could be but also tell them about the process of getting there. It isn’t an on/off switch, but an ideal that can be reached through time and experience. Immediately adhering to empty lip service has no value and undermines the process by devouring the reason for the message.
Mostly I try to let people know that a future exists where they will not be hurting and try to make sure their path to that future is clear of obstructions. That path often requires development both on an internal and external level. I remember which lessons have to be learned first hand and how they take time to sink in. I do not tell someone what to think, I try to present ideas that can be thought about.
That is okay, right?
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