The cobwebs are starting to clear a bit from my head as this cycle fades. I really miss D/s.
The first time the thought "I wish I was dead" passed through my brain I was 4 years old. I made my first serious suicide attempt when I was 13. I tried 3 more times by age 16 before giving up and just tossing away caution figuring an accidental recreational death with drugs and/or alcohol would be good enough. At that time I didn't think I would live to see 18. When I turned 18 I felt lost. I gave up on the partying life but I still didn't think I would live to see 21. When I turned 21 I didn't know what to do. I had another birthday recently and I realized that I still don't know what to do.
The demons still haunt me.
I've had my life fall apart too many times. I've had to restart too many times. I'm still here. I'm still me.
I've never felt that a life by myself was worth living. My solution was to live for someone else. When it works, it's glorious. When it fails, it's dreadful.
Day by day. Always day by day. I keep on going.
