I know this blog is only about two weeks old but I'm curious if anyone is reading anything that I'm writing.
If you are reading any of this, please post a comment, even if it's just to make fun of me or make me feel bad.
If you have read anything here and enjoyed it, feel free to let me know and I can try to delve more into that topic/theme.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Males and the Need for Punishment
First off, I will say that I am not a masochist. I despise pain. It is something that I take no pleasure in and would like to avoid it whenever possible.
At the same time, I can acknowledge that I fall into "typical male" habits and behaviors every so often. I get lazy. I get selfish. I get willful. As much as I wish that I could rid myself of these traits (and with some success over short periods of time), eventually my male behaviors will bleed through. The chemical flow from our genitals seems to make us this way, giving us problems with learning lessons and abiding by that learned knowledge in our future decisions and actions. It is pretty much unavoidable.
With that in mind, all men need punishment in order to stay focused and obedient. I wish this were not the case but no matter how much I can try to rationalize how I wish to behave, in the long run I manage to slip up every time. This causes strains in my relationships and hurts my own self-image as I end up failing to meet my own expectations for conduct and attitude.
Over the years the only thing that has been able to stave off typical male behaviors has been punishment. Corporal punishment has been the most effective, with more severe punishments leading to longer periods of good behavior. Being verbally scolded and emasculated during corporal punishment assists in driving me to a vulnerable and fragile place where my male ego can be broken down. In this vulnerable state is where guilt over the poor conduct comes to the forefront of the mind and additional punishments like time-out or forced isolation can add to the level of meaningful reflection.
I've also found that adding sexual punishments can cause a rapid cycle of selfishness and reflection that will rapidly erode the ego. For example, some teasing to cause arousal followed by orgasm denial will cause an immediate spike in defiance. If that defiance is directly met with scolding as well as physical and/or isolation type punishments the male ego will crumble rapidly. It is when I have felt like I always fail my Mistress that I am most willing to accept decisions and discomforts that she chooses.
For some reason, without fairly regular punishment sessions I'm unable to keep myself the sub that I want to be. I'm not proud of being this way but I acknowledge that this is how I am.
I have seen a couple of cases of men who were able to overcome these habits. In each case the sub's ego was completely shattered to the point where they no longer though of themselves as men. The upside for their Dommes was total obedience. However, in each of these cases the subs were no longer able to give meaningful emotional interaction with their Dommes. In turn, the Dommes could no longer see them as lovers and the subs were locked in chastity and turned into cuckolds that were replaced by someone else in the bedroom.
That seems like quite a significant choice to make: to either deal with the failings of subs and punish them accordingly or break them down into chaste, cuckolded, completely obedient servants.
In my own case, I am thankful my Mistresses have always been willing to put up with and punish me for my failings and inadequacies.
At the same time, I can acknowledge that I fall into "typical male" habits and behaviors every so often. I get lazy. I get selfish. I get willful. As much as I wish that I could rid myself of these traits (and with some success over short periods of time), eventually my male behaviors will bleed through. The chemical flow from our genitals seems to make us this way, giving us problems with learning lessons and abiding by that learned knowledge in our future decisions and actions. It is pretty much unavoidable.
With that in mind, all men need punishment in order to stay focused and obedient. I wish this were not the case but no matter how much I can try to rationalize how I wish to behave, in the long run I manage to slip up every time. This causes strains in my relationships and hurts my own self-image as I end up failing to meet my own expectations for conduct and attitude.
Over the years the only thing that has been able to stave off typical male behaviors has been punishment. Corporal punishment has been the most effective, with more severe punishments leading to longer periods of good behavior. Being verbally scolded and emasculated during corporal punishment assists in driving me to a vulnerable and fragile place where my male ego can be broken down. In this vulnerable state is where guilt over the poor conduct comes to the forefront of the mind and additional punishments like time-out or forced isolation can add to the level of meaningful reflection.
I've also found that adding sexual punishments can cause a rapid cycle of selfishness and reflection that will rapidly erode the ego. For example, some teasing to cause arousal followed by orgasm denial will cause an immediate spike in defiance. If that defiance is directly met with scolding as well as physical and/or isolation type punishments the male ego will crumble rapidly. It is when I have felt like I always fail my Mistress that I am most willing to accept decisions and discomforts that she chooses.
For some reason, without fairly regular punishment sessions I'm unable to keep myself the sub that I want to be. I'm not proud of being this way but I acknowledge that this is how I am.
I have seen a couple of cases of men who were able to overcome these habits. In each case the sub's ego was completely shattered to the point where they no longer though of themselves as men. The upside for their Dommes was total obedience. However, in each of these cases the subs were no longer able to give meaningful emotional interaction with their Dommes. In turn, the Dommes could no longer see them as lovers and the subs were locked in chastity and turned into cuckolds that were replaced by someone else in the bedroom.
That seems like quite a significant choice to make: to either deal with the failings of subs and punish them accordingly or break them down into chaste, cuckolded, completely obedient servants.
In my own case, I am thankful my Mistresses have always been willing to put up with and punish me for my failings and inadequacies.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Fetish Overlap in a Growing Fantasy World
While reflecting back upon my past and the ever-changing development of particular fetishes and fantasies it caught me as being a bit odd at how easily things can meld together over time as well as how certain things that held no appeal several years ago are arousing to me now. A lot of my actual (non-fantasy) experiences have had a pretty significant impact upon this as well as some of the conditioned-behaviors I have accumulated over the years in D/s relationships.
I know it's a bit of a gradual process, but my, how quickly do things become one if they become part of the fantasy world you paint for yourself when you masturbate.
I'm curious if others have experienced this phenomenon.
It seems that as time passes, certain themes build up with other themes and at that point, the previous solitary themes (that were once arousing) aren't nearly as arousing as the compounded ones. I've been fortunate to experience most of my fantasies in real life (at least for a brief period) but as my fantasies grow, my desires and cravings grow with them.
My own example of this growth:
-Attraction to a woman in fur.
-Being submissive to a woman in fur.
-Being a submissive sissy to a woman in fur.
-Being a chaste submissive sissy to a woman in fur.
It scares me a bit of what will come next in this twisted little psyche of mine. Already I have found myself craving to be dominated by two women, either two Domme lovers, or a Domme with a female sub who ranks "above" me on the power food chain but this has yet to happen. The bondage scenarios I dream about seem to be getting more and more intense, more corporal punishment (which is odd since I am not a masochist), and greater intensity in general. It's quite frightening. Recently I've noticed that the thought of wearing an anal plug and strap on pegging which used to be off-putting to me are now starting to become arousing.
I know this isn't the safest/sanest path to be moving down but I doubt it will stop and with each passing year I should probably just accept that this is how things are going to progress.
I guess I just find this odd. I wonder if this happens to women as much as it does men?
I know it's a bit of a gradual process, but my, how quickly do things become one if they become part of the fantasy world you paint for yourself when you masturbate.
I'm curious if others have experienced this phenomenon.
It seems that as time passes, certain themes build up with other themes and at that point, the previous solitary themes (that were once arousing) aren't nearly as arousing as the compounded ones. I've been fortunate to experience most of my fantasies in real life (at least for a brief period) but as my fantasies grow, my desires and cravings grow with them.
My own example of this growth:
-Attraction to a woman in fur.
-Being submissive to a woman in fur.
-Being a submissive sissy to a woman in fur.
-Being a chaste submissive sissy to a woman in fur.
It scares me a bit of what will come next in this twisted little psyche of mine. Already I have found myself craving to be dominated by two women, either two Domme lovers, or a Domme with a female sub who ranks "above" me on the power food chain but this has yet to happen. The bondage scenarios I dream about seem to be getting more and more intense, more corporal punishment (which is odd since I am not a masochist), and greater intensity in general. It's quite frightening. Recently I've noticed that the thought of wearing an anal plug and strap on pegging which used to be off-putting to me are now starting to become arousing.
I know this isn't the safest/sanest path to be moving down but I doubt it will stop and with each passing year I should probably just accept that this is how things are going to progress.
I guess I just find this odd. I wonder if this happens to women as much as it does men?
Venus in Furs
Long before I was even aware of its 100+ year existence of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's Venus in Furs, I have been inexplicably attracted to women dressed in fur. While my submissive nature can probably be traced to certain aspects of my upbringing and having rather poor luck with girls while in high school (leading me to the quest to being the "perfect lover"), I have absolutely no explanation for my overwhelming attraction to women in furs. What I can say is that this attraction of mine is far from unique.
My years on the internet have shown me the vast number of men who feel the same way and historically speaking, this isn't anything new or original. Sacher-Masoch can probably be given credit for being the first to link Femdom and Fur Fetish in Venus in Furs, first published in 1870, although I can admit that these two subjects didn't click together within me until several years after I first acknowledged my love of women in fur. Now it seems that they're fairly inseparable to me... I guess I'm just cliché like that.
It took me a while to come to terms with this fetish. I first remember it showing up when I was just entering puberty but it always made me feel a bit weird and I really didn't accept it about myself at all until my late teens. I have never been known for having a strong libido but for some reason an attractive woman in fur makes me absolutely stupid and I get incredibly turned on and submissive feeling at the same time.
Being in that state makes me extremely vulnerable and easily exploited. Is that really a bad thing?
I still haven't really figured out why I am this way, but I am at peace with my not knowing/understanding.
My years on the internet have shown me the vast number of men who feel the same way and historically speaking, this isn't anything new or original. Sacher-Masoch can probably be given credit for being the first to link Femdom and Fur Fetish in Venus in Furs, first published in 1870, although I can admit that these two subjects didn't click together within me until several years after I first acknowledged my love of women in fur. Now it seems that they're fairly inseparable to me... I guess I'm just cliché like that.
It took me a while to come to terms with this fetish. I first remember it showing up when I was just entering puberty but it always made me feel a bit weird and I really didn't accept it about myself at all until my late teens. I have never been known for having a strong libido but for some reason an attractive woman in fur makes me absolutely stupid and I get incredibly turned on and submissive feeling at the same time.
Being in that state makes me extremely vulnerable and easily exploited. Is that really a bad thing?
I still haven't really figured out why I am this way, but I am at peace with my not knowing/understanding.
Mono vs. Poly: What could you live with?
With the Domme to sub ratio being what it is, a male sub has far fewer options when it comes to finding the perfect relationship. At times during my search I have been confronted with the scenario of a polyamorous relationship (instead of a monogamous one) and I've often debated just what I would be okay with for a lifestyle situation.
While there are fantasy and fetish elements of being a nameless/faceless member of a stable of slaves serving a Mistress, I doubt there are many out there that could endure a lifetime of this lifestyle if there wasn't any kind of personal (or romantic) attention or knowing that the person you were serving honestly cared about you. Even those I have met with a fetish for depersonalized servitude seem to gravitate towards finite time periods and/or requires the knowledge that their Dominant truly cares for their well-being.
When looking at long-term polyamorous D/s situations, a few scenarios come to mind.
1. Serving as one of multiple subs, where all the subs are treated relatively equally.
2. Serving as one of multiple subs, where one (or a couple) of them are treated with preference and you are a preferred sub.
3. Serving as one of multiple subs, where one (or a couple) of them are treated with preference and you are not one of the preferred.
4. Serving as the lone sub under a Dominant couple or one Dominant with a partner that is not a submissive and is valued more highly than a submissive.
From what I have seen available, the most common type of Poly relationship out there is one where a D/s couple is seeking an additional submissive, where the existing submissive is already part of a long term relationship with the Domme (often they are married). These cases usually fall into the type 3 that I listed above, where the option is open for a sub to step in and perform domestic duties in return for occasional bondage and pain play. Depending upon your experiences and emotional needs, this may be a tough pill to swallow and while occasionally fetish needs may outweigh those emotional needs, it's probably unsustainable in the long-run for most subs.
Being part of a poly relationship has often been on my mind, both during times of fantasy while in a D/s relationship and while single and contemplating my options. Giving each of the four I wrote about some thought, I think I could probably manage in each of these situations if particular conditions were met. However, any time a sub needs conditions to be met, that sub becomes less appealing to most Dominants.
I believe numbers 2 and 4 are the most likely situations where I could survive with at least a reasonable amount of happiness. I could probably handle all four if being a submissive were to be my full time occupation but this is a highly unlikely scenario.
When I really start digging deep into my mind-scape I think that in my perfect fantasy world I would probably enjoy a certain type of poly D/s relationship more than a monogamous one. This might just be my "typical male fantasy" kicking in but I found myself fantasizing about these situations when I was in every BDSM relationship I've ever had. The conditions I would need to thrive under make this polyamorous fantasy more likely to happen while in a monogamous D/s relationship than finding an existing situation to join into.
I guess overall this is just something I think about from time to time and I hadn't really explored it much until I started writing this although I had pondered it briefly before but only really had a "gut instinct" reaction saying it's probably best for me to stick to monogamous situations.
While there are fantasy and fetish elements of being a nameless/faceless member of a stable of slaves serving a Mistress, I doubt there are many out there that could endure a lifetime of this lifestyle if there wasn't any kind of personal (or romantic) attention or knowing that the person you were serving honestly cared about you. Even those I have met with a fetish for depersonalized servitude seem to gravitate towards finite time periods and/or requires the knowledge that their Dominant truly cares for their well-being.
When looking at long-term polyamorous D/s situations, a few scenarios come to mind.
1. Serving as one of multiple subs, where all the subs are treated relatively equally.
2. Serving as one of multiple subs, where one (or a couple) of them are treated with preference and you are a preferred sub.
3. Serving as one of multiple subs, where one (or a couple) of them are treated with preference and you are not one of the preferred.
4. Serving as the lone sub under a Dominant couple or one Dominant with a partner that is not a submissive and is valued more highly than a submissive.
From what I have seen available, the most common type of Poly relationship out there is one where a D/s couple is seeking an additional submissive, where the existing submissive is already part of a long term relationship with the Domme (often they are married). These cases usually fall into the type 3 that I listed above, where the option is open for a sub to step in and perform domestic duties in return for occasional bondage and pain play. Depending upon your experiences and emotional needs, this may be a tough pill to swallow and while occasionally fetish needs may outweigh those emotional needs, it's probably unsustainable in the long-run for most subs.
Being part of a poly relationship has often been on my mind, both during times of fantasy while in a D/s relationship and while single and contemplating my options. Giving each of the four I wrote about some thought, I think I could probably manage in each of these situations if particular conditions were met. However, any time a sub needs conditions to be met, that sub becomes less appealing to most Dominants.
I believe numbers 2 and 4 are the most likely situations where I could survive with at least a reasonable amount of happiness. I could probably handle all four if being a submissive were to be my full time occupation but this is a highly unlikely scenario.
When I really start digging deep into my mind-scape I think that in my perfect fantasy world I would probably enjoy a certain type of poly D/s relationship more than a monogamous one. This might just be my "typical male fantasy" kicking in but I found myself fantasizing about these situations when I was in every BDSM relationship I've ever had. The conditions I would need to thrive under make this polyamorous fantasy more likely to happen while in a monogamous D/s relationship than finding an existing situation to join into.
I guess overall this is just something I think about from time to time and I hadn't really explored it much until I started writing this although I had pondered it briefly before but only really had a "gut instinct" reaction saying it's probably best for me to stick to monogamous situations.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Communication Difficulties in D/s Relationships
A chronic problem that I've had plaguing the D/s relationships I've had is difficulty in communication, especially when it comes to making important decisions that will have a strong indirect effect on the relationship. Dom or sub, no one can always make the right/best decisions all the time. If you are in the lifestyle submissive role, you have likely given up much (if not all) of your say in the decision-making process. Either that or your input may be appreciated, but the final call is theirs.
The question that comes into being is: When should you put your foot down?
A follow up question... or even better, a precursory question would be: Is it even okay to put your foot down in disagreement?
Answering the second question first, the Female Supremacist (and male "inferiorist") within me says that in a perfect world, it should not be okay for the male in the relationship to adamantly oppose his Domme when she has already made up her mind. The realist in me says that if a certain decision were to arise that would seriously jeopardize the foundation and trust of the relationship, it is okay for the sub to take a stand against that decision. That isn't to say that the defiance should go unpunished, just that the Dominant should seriously consider why they are so willing to be in opposition.
In a perfect world this situation would never happen but in reality there are occasions when it does.
This is a half-serious/half-joking example:
Your Dominant and you have been saving for a down payment on a home (or for a retirement fund) and you have accumulated $10,000. You suggest to invest it in something safe and stable that may have low returns but you are ensured to have at least $10,000 after a couple of years. Your Dominant decides on a whim that it would be easier to buy 10,000 lottery tickets, win the lottery, and buy your dream home with the millions of dollars in winnings. Unfortunately, the odds of actually making money while playing the lottery are very slim and the chances of winning the jackpot are astronomically slim.
Should you be opposed? Unless you have a previously arranged agreement to live in an exciting fashion and put your long-term plans on hold for the future, you probably should be opposed. The next question is, how far would you be willing to take it?
Are you willing to take a beating for it? Several severe beatings? Restraint and isolation? Torture?
If you have gone through those and still haven't been able to make them change their mind, what is next? If they said if you wouldn't go along with their decision that they'd give you your half and send you packing, what would you do?
This is where things get difficult. Hopefully you'll never be in a D/s relationship that goes this far over a questionable decision. I have been in this position (in regards to choices more realistic than the lottery ticket one) and I can tell you it is a very unpleasant place to be.
Unfortunately in a couple of major cases I had guessed that they would understand why I felt so strongly about things that it might be able to influence their decision. I was wrong and things ended that day instead of six months from then when the repercussions of their decision would have set in. I still harbor regret about those times.
I would say it's these types of important decisions that have been my greatest obstacle to overcome in Femdom relationships. I'm far from perfect but I put a lot of thought into decisions before I make them, exploring as many choices as I can along with their possible and probable outcomes. Most of the time this feels like more of a weakness than a strength.
Basically, in a D/s relationship, sometimes communication can be difficult.
The question that comes into being is: When should you put your foot down?
A follow up question... or even better, a precursory question would be: Is it even okay to put your foot down in disagreement?
Answering the second question first, the Female Supremacist (and male "inferiorist") within me says that in a perfect world, it should not be okay for the male in the relationship to adamantly oppose his Domme when she has already made up her mind. The realist in me says that if a certain decision were to arise that would seriously jeopardize the foundation and trust of the relationship, it is okay for the sub to take a stand against that decision. That isn't to say that the defiance should go unpunished, just that the Dominant should seriously consider why they are so willing to be in opposition.
In a perfect world this situation would never happen but in reality there are occasions when it does.
This is a half-serious/half-joking example:
Your Dominant and you have been saving for a down payment on a home (or for a retirement fund) and you have accumulated $10,000. You suggest to invest it in something safe and stable that may have low returns but you are ensured to have at least $10,000 after a couple of years. Your Dominant decides on a whim that it would be easier to buy 10,000 lottery tickets, win the lottery, and buy your dream home with the millions of dollars in winnings. Unfortunately, the odds of actually making money while playing the lottery are very slim and the chances of winning the jackpot are astronomically slim.
Should you be opposed? Unless you have a previously arranged agreement to live in an exciting fashion and put your long-term plans on hold for the future, you probably should be opposed. The next question is, how far would you be willing to take it?
Are you willing to take a beating for it? Several severe beatings? Restraint and isolation? Torture?
If you have gone through those and still haven't been able to make them change their mind, what is next? If they said if you wouldn't go along with their decision that they'd give you your half and send you packing, what would you do?
This is where things get difficult. Hopefully you'll never be in a D/s relationship that goes this far over a questionable decision. I have been in this position (in regards to choices more realistic than the lottery ticket one) and I can tell you it is a very unpleasant place to be.
Unfortunately in a couple of major cases I had guessed that they would understand why I felt so strongly about things that it might be able to influence their decision. I was wrong and things ended that day instead of six months from then when the repercussions of their decision would have set in. I still harbor regret about those times.
I would say it's these types of important decisions that have been my greatest obstacle to overcome in Femdom relationships. I'm far from perfect but I put a lot of thought into decisions before I make them, exploring as many choices as I can along with their possible and probable outcomes. Most of the time this feels like more of a weakness than a strength.
Basically, in a D/s relationship, sometimes communication can be difficult.
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