Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What is it about Bondage?

What is it about bondage that provides such an allure for me? 

I'm not just talking about temporary restraint, but being restrained most of the time.   Early on when my first Mistress began asking me about my deepest darkest fantasies and slowly started integrating bondage into our lifestyle.  She was a bit "old school" in her views of a D/s relationship so she was a fan of wearing a collar (or something symbolic of a collar) at all times.

Somewhere in there my penis took over and the fantasies in my mind began to accelerate at an alarming pace.  She had eventually settled on a leather collar and leather wrist cuffs as standard "wear around the house" items.  While this excited me, I began to crave more and more and this was something we talked about.  I asked her if she would put a lock on the collar and cuffs and she replied that she didn't need to since she knew I wouldn't take them off without permission.  She then asked me why I wanted to have them locked on and quite frankly, I didn't have a good answer for her at that time.

After having time to think about it I had an answer and brought the topic up again.  It seems that adding locks hit me on multiple levels appealing both to my heart and my penis.  I have some abandonment issues and locks symbolized to me that she would keep me and that I was hers.  It also said that I was committed to her and I couldn't leave.  This gave me a great sense of peace inside.  On the arousal front, something just turned me on about not being able to remove them even if I wanted to. We ended up adding locks to the equation.

A couple of weeks later I asked about adding ankle cuffs.  They made me feel even more like her possession and it also aroused me even more.  Ankle cuffs were added.  Within a few days I made another request that I'm pretty certain was my penis trumping my brain, but it was consistent with my other feelings.  I asked her if we could add chains to the cuffs.  She asked me why and the explanation I offered was that it increased my feelings of being owned and it turned me on feeling that way as well as knowing that there was no escape.  We ended up adding a chain to the ankle cuffs and chains to the wrist cuffs that attached them to the collar. 

I know these requests were a bit selfish of me but at the same time I knew they turned her on as well.  Soon after she insisted that my wrists be chained above my head when we slept and my collar be locked to the bedpost.  It made me feel so special when she did that, it almost brings a tear to my eye remembering how I felt then. 

When I got involved with my second Mistress and she had integrated forced dressing as the norm, I found myself wishing that the clothing was secured in such a way that it couldn't be removed.  We talked about it and she stated that she didn't think it was necessary because I wouldn't take it off without permission.  Again I found myself coming to the same answers I did before.  It made me feel completely owned in an inescapable situation and that gave my heart peace and turned me on.  It was an easy transition to make, the only difference being that my wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, and collar started going on over the clothes instead of under them (she was already using locks) and it was much easier to attach chains to the restraints.   

This change seemed to ignite a fire in her (and me as well).  Instead of having me undress when she attached chains, now she was using them when I was fully clothed.  The 12" chain between my ankle cuffs became a 6" chain.  The 12" chain between my wrist cuffs became a variety of different configurations, usually 4" or less if the wrists weren't tethered to the collar or bondage belt.  I still had to perform my same duties and she took great pleasure in watching me struggle, forced to take tiny steps to move around and always having difficulty using my hands.  Sometimes she would just drag me around the room by a leash forcing me to try to keep up and swatting me if I lagged behind or tugging hard on my nipples or genitals to force me to catch up.  The additional struggles also made me feel more devoted since I would willingly suffer to please her and have to put forth a lot of extra effort in order to perform my services at an acceptable level.

Being restrained quickly became an instant push to deep subspace.  

Since those times my interest in bondage has become much more extreme.  Hoods, blindfolds, gags, spreader bars, sleepsacks, cages, stocks, yolks, being locked in uncomfortable or completely helpless positions, etc.  It's a bit on the scary side but it's also exhilarating.  It just puzzles me at how quickly those things progressed for me and how the envelope keeps begging to be pushed in order to give that "first time" rush.  The odd thing is that every time that first time rush happens I still experience peace in my heart and I fall even more madly in love with my Mistress.  It's not surprising but it also makes my arousal grows even stronger. 

I guess I don't quite understand myself in this regards... how being chained up and locked in a closet makes me feel safe and loved.  In these cases I know that my heart is trumping the penis because I'm in no position to masturbate.

I'm guessing this is one of those cases where I don't really have to understand myself. 

Monday, April 26, 2010

How your relationship became Femdom and How it Affects you

We've been having some good comment discussion over at the blog http://sheisincharge.blogspot.com/

Reading the posts and comments and making a few comments has given me a few things to think about.

Something I mentioned in a comment is how the perspective you have towards certain acts is greatly affected by the way in which you were introduced to the lifestyle.  What strikes me as interesting (and something I don't think I've written about) is the contrast between Femdom relationships rooted in BDSM-dating vs. long-term relationships/marriages that become Femdom (usually at the insistence of one member of the relationship). 

Naturally Femdom relationships instigated by vanilla women from the get-go tend to be quite successful in the long-run.  Women who are aggressive and take-charge from the start usually find men that are either on the submissive side of the coin, or standing as equals where he is willing to flow along with her choices.  While these relationships may or may not have any serious BDSM-connotations, they seem to work well since he probably wouldn't have stayed with her and married her if he wasn't okay with her personality.

BDSM-rooted relationships are an interesting breed.  A lot of weight in the D/s scene is placed upon sharing common kinks and fetishes.  It's sort of like the barter system in that you search for what you want and hope to find that person that is what you want and they in turn want what you have to offer.  He has a foot fetish, she loves foot worship?  Perfect.  She loves spanking, he loves being spanked?  Perfect. 

So why is it that not all of these relationships work out in the long run?  Why is it that some popular and powerful Dommes are often the ones seeking subs?  Why is it that some talented subs leave their Domme in search of another?  Why is it that breakups happen?

The problem with a lot of BDSM-dating is that so much weight is placed upon the kink-commonalities that two things are often forgotten: personal compatibility and long-term compromise.  You have the ultimate lifestyle and bedroom experiences but you hate the movies they love.  They hate the books you love.  They're an outdoor person, you're an indoor person.  They hate your jokes while you think you're the funniest person on the planet.  Maybe the first 6 months were amazing.  The first year great.  The second year was good but you began to drift a bit.  By the third year you barely spend any time together.  This is usually a case where people just weren't compatible on a personal level.  If you had dated vanilla you probably wouldn't have lasted more than a few months.   

The other factor is compromise.  You weren't trading 10 animal pelts for a bag of salt even though you only wanted to give up 8.  Both of these are items of a fixed quantity that would eventually be used up.  Compromises in BDSM relationships are a bit more difficult when you look down the road.  Even if you have 9 out of 10 kinks in common, the 1 that you don't share may eventually wear you down.  You love strap-on play but she refuses to do it.  She loves single-tails but you hate pain.  You can tell yourself you don't need it and in some cases you really don't, but in the cases where deep down you do need it, time has a way of carving out the Grand Canyon from a trickle of water. 

If it is something you truly love how long can you go without it before your cravings get the better of you?  How long will it take until the feelings of being unfulfilled are just too much to bear?  This is applicable to both parties.  If you absolutely positively need to be pegged will she do something she hates just to placate your needs?  Will you look elsewhere to have this need met with or without her permission and what kind of repercussions will that have on her feelings?   If she absolutely needs to whip you with a single-tail even though you've already willingly experienced the crop, switch, and paddle, do you deny her that pleasure?  If you deny her that pleasure, how would you feel if she asked to play with another sub?  How much should each party sacrifice in order for things to keep moving?

This is a tough question and I think for most long-term Femdom relationships there will be compromises made on both sides (even if it feels wrong to have it be that way).  Asking one party to compromise too much of their needs and they will tire of the relationship.  Denying one party's needs completely will drive them to look elsewhere or feel unfulfilled.  Going back to the scenarios I listed above, if that was one relationship the compromise might be to trade pegging for single-tail play.  However, even if things seem fair in the short-run, things can change drastically in the long-run.  I think this is another primary reason for the breakdown of BDSM relationships.
Returning to Femdom relationships that start out vanilla and end up Femdom, these are interesting in their own right.  In the majority of these cases it's through the husband's pressures that the wife explores this lifestyle.  I think these relationships are strikingly different than the previous situations since it requires a change in the roles that each party has.  The husband goes from semi-equal partner to submissive and the wife goes from semi-equal partner to Dominant.  One role change is willing and the other is reluctant.  The initial mental blow of this is probably pretty severe to the wife. 

They agreed to 10 animal pelts for his bag of salt, but all of a sudden he wants 20 animal pelts and a bushel of wheat and he offers her a crate of apples.  Now I am of the belief that a woman that feels good about herself is naturally dominant and deep down likes apples a lot more than salt, but the main point is that it wasn't what she bargained for.  If she feels she has a lot of herself invested in the relationship she may make this initial compromise and accept the apples.

These relationships tend to progress slowly along the learning curve.  It can take years for her to realize she loves apples and that it was a good trade.  What strikes me as a bit foolish is that husbands have usually fantasized about these situations for years and they get a bit impatient, wanting the extreme Domme of their dreams to appear overnight even though all of this is brand new to her.  I believe it is at this stage where things take a turn for the better or worse.  He must remain patient and let her grow into her new role and accept her own definition of that role.  She may never wield a whip or don a strap-on.  If they do happen it might take five years to reach that point. 

Husbands will probably feel unfulfilled during this transition, but they easily forget that it's more fulfilling than how it was before this time.  While she takes her Domme baby-steps, remember that it still touches your desires more than it did before. 

Wives will probably feel pressured, uncomfortable, and awkward during this transition.  This is natural and the more you do things, the more comfortable they will become. 

These once-vanilla-now-Femdom relationships are generally longer lasting than BDSM relationships but at the same time they have some of the biggest obstacles to overcome.  BDSM-rooted relationships are often the most fulfilling in the short-run but also the hardest to keep going unless you find a way to bridge the gaps between you.  If you lucked out and she has been calling the shots since the first date, you're both golden. 

Is it Better to be Ashamed or at Peace?

I'm guessing just about everyone that enters into a kink-oriented lifestyle goes through a phase where they are self-conscious about their likes and interests, feeling that it's a bit weird and something that should be internalized.  In a lot of ways, it's kind of like your first serious crush.  The feelings burn up inside you and stir a mess of emotions but at the same time you want to keep it a well-guarded secret.

I would wager that nearly every sub, Dom, and switch has probably felt this way at least once in regards to the lifestyle.

For Dommes, the expectations are a bit rigid.  Submissives expect Dommes to feel 100% comfortable with who they are, what they like, and what they want to do.  This is a bit unfair of an assumption to bury them under, but us subs wish them to at least appear 100% comfortable with those things.  In turn, a sub should treat all of her desires like they are the natural order of the world:  it's the way things are meant to be.  It is his responsibility to flow with her comfort and help cement it if she still carries uncertainties.

This leads to the question, should there be a double-standard when it comes to submissives? 

In terms of exerting control and devotion, it is probably in a Domme's best interest to develop a double-standard and breed that belief deep in her sub.  While she can feel completely okay with wanting to tie up a sub and spank him, he should feel conflicted and ashamed at wanting to be tied up and spanked.  It's a bit of a mental game and stacking the deck in this way will push things overwhelmingly in her favor.

As much as any sub could feel comfortable with his submissive tendencies, I have to say that it's probably better for a Domme if he feels that she's the only one that can understand him, she's the only one that could accept him with how he is, she's the only one that could find him attractive, and so forth.  It's a bit under-handed but why not?  A sub who is chosen by a Domme should be grateful for this opportunity.  He's the expendable one.  I suppose I could get into some big morality debate here but I'll steer clear of that for now working under the assumption that her happiness trumps all.

Is it better for the relationship if she has him firmly believing that the rest of the world will reject him and his kink and she is the only one that will love him in that way?  As equals, I would suppose the answer is no, but in terms of a 24-7 D/s relationship, would the answer be yes?

It's a difficult call to make but I believe that a sub who feels that his desires are screwed up and that he has found the one woman on the planet who could love him is going to try harder, be more attentive, more affection, and better behaved than someone who could feel comfortable enough with himself that he could go out and find another Mistress any time he wanted to.

Even though I am somewhat of a veteran to the lifestyle and am at peace with being submissive to women and my fetish towards women in certain types of clothing, I still feel a bit screwed up at the depth and intensity of my desires.  Even though I have always been able to make a good impression on Dommes, when I think about breaking things off or when my relationships have ended it still felt like the end of the world and that I was going to be alone forever.  I think those uncertain feelings help motivate me to improve. 

Things like extreme bondage, sensory deprivation, tease & denial, and strict behavioral rules have never found any peace within my heart but I enjoy them a lot.  This strikes doubly hard for the subspace I crave that I only experience through forced dressing.  While a lot of bondage and play activities are becoming less shameful to admit to liking, nothing makes me feel more fucked up about myself than being a sissy.  My Mistresses over the years have never allowed any solace on that front but through writing this I feel that is probably a good thing.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Some Great Advice for Courting a Domme

I stumbled across this post a few hours after writing my first sets of Tips on Courting a Domme and I wanted to link it here as well.

It's a very good read that shows the importance of your personality when it comes to being what a Domme is looking for.


Dommes as Switches, Switches as Dommes

If you have frequented adult dating personals within the past decade you've probably noticed it looks something like this:
-20,000 male subs seeking Dommes
-100 Dommes (broken down further):
         -30 seeking submissive women only.
         -30 seeking a secondary sub for a polyamorous relationship (I wrote about these earlier).
         -25 seeking submissive men.
         -10 seeking friendship or contact with other couples
         -5 seeking a bull to cuckold her male sub.
 -500 female switches

Assuming you are a submissive male, the odds are pretty terrible at finding a Domme, but what about switches?

Switches are a fairly interesting group as a whole because there's so much variety.  Switches involved heavily in the BDSM-scene are often quite popular since they will often interact and play with many different people without ulterior motives.  Amongst Dommes, switches often carry a bit of a stigma as play partners or potential subs (although it's quite common to have Dommes that are friends with switches).  It's usually only a handful of very vocal, very visible, and very active switches that are responsible for this reputation, so it's not completely fair to judge them as a whole.  The negatives that are sometimes brought against switches are things like being attention whores and wanting to be both the center of attention when they dom and sub, they aren't "true" subs so they're just playing in kink, they aren't "true" Dommes since a Dominant should never submit to anyone, etc.

While their concerns can be noted, it's easy to pass judgment when you sit at the top of the food chain.  To a male sub without a lot of options, they have probably thought about the option of a switch at some point or another.

If you are curious about switches, you will find 8 basic types and a few types that are contingent upon a few things.

The basic types:
1.  submissive to women, dominant to women.
2.  submissive to men, dominant to women.
3.  submissive to both, dominant to women.
4.  submissive to women, dominant to men.
5.  submissive to women, dominant to both.
6.  submissive to men, dominant to men.
7.  submissive to men, dominant to both.
8.  submissive to both, dominant to men.

The remaining types are contingent upon who they are with and I will not break them down to specific genders but will outline them briefly:
9.  submissive to some people, dominant to other people, depending upon who they are.
10. both submissive and dominant to the same people depending upon the situation and how they feel.

For the purposes of my discussion I will limit considerations to numbers 4-8. If you are seeking primarily bedroom kink, any of these types should be open for courting, but if you aren't a switch expect that she will want to play with others in order to get her fix.  

Personally, I seek rather intense domination and I also couldn't bear seeing my Mistress submitting to a man, so that pretty much leaves numbers 4 and 5 (and in some cases 9 as well).  This is where the reality check swings in full force.  By eliminating 1-3, 6-8, most of 9, and all of 10, those 500 switches just became 80 potentials.  The reality of it is that most female switches are submissive to men and dominant to women, and when I say most, I mean most. 

Digging further you'll find about 30 of those potential switches are married or have a significant other who allows them to go and "play" in the BDSM world.  We're now down to 50.  50 is more than 25, but how does this stack up towards those wishing to court a Femdom long-term relationship?

How many of those remaining switches would be capable of providing that kind of lifestyle?  In all honesty, I think most men that consider themselves subs are probably better off with a switch that is dominant to men.  You'd be looking at a fairly vanilla day-to-day life with an incredibly kinky bedroom.  Many Dommes have told me the vast majority of men aren't looking for a lifestyle but just wishing to satisfy their sexual desires and with this in mind, most of them are probably better suited towards this life rather than a more intense D/s lifestyle.

Overall when you take switches into account, your odds still haven't gotten much better, but they are in fact better.  If you aren't sure you really want a more intense and demanding D/s lifestyle, it might be the better place for you to look.  

Tips on Courting a Domme Part 4

I know I have touched on these a bit in Parts 1-3, but I feel they are important enough to be fleshed out a little more. 

11.  Be thoughtful. 
Being thoughtful goes a long way.  During your initial contacts you may wish to ask some small questions that may appear random.  What is her favorite color?  What is her favorite candy?  What kind of books and music does she like?

These might seem like rather innocuous questions but they can go a long way in making a first impression and maintaining a healthy relationship if you commit them to memory.  At your next meeting show up with a flower or twelve that is her favorite color and a box of her favorite candy or a book or CD that you think she would enjoy (I would only stray into the latter two if you are knowledgeable in literature and music).

Showing her early that you listen and understand at least the basics of how to make a woman happy on day 1 will show you are more likely to be able to make her happy on day 395, day 1021, and so forth. 

12.   Listen before you speak.
Every courting process will be unique and different but one thing is universal: women prefer men who listen.  This is something to be especially mindful of if you have a tendency to drone on about yourself or if this is one of the first Dommes to give you the time of day. 

You will likely be faced with one of three scenarios:
a) She wants to know everything about you before she is willing to divulge anything about herself.
b) She wants to talk about herself before she wants to hear anything about you.
c) She wants to have a back and forth exchange over various things where you each share your views on particular topics in order to gauge your compatibility.

If you are faced with (a), ask her what she wold like to know about you.  Answer thoroughly, concisely, and honestly and see what she would like to know next.  If she says something very general like "tell me about yourself" this situation may not really be an (a) situation at all.  A good way to test the waters is to rattle off something brief like "I'm X years old, I work in the field of Y, I have been in the lifestyle for Z years," and then state you would like to know more about her.  Based upon her response, you should have some idea on how to treat the situation. 

If you are faced with (b), listen intently.  Commit this information to memory.  Your primary goal should be to absorb this information and memorize it.  "I forgot you had said that" is a very ugly phrase for a sub to use.  While she is speaking, DO NOT under any circumstances use this time to think about what you will say unless it directly pertains to what she is saying.  It is acceptable to take mental notes you are interested in or would like her to elaborate upon.  She likely wants you to do that and is probably gauging your reactions for a time to pause and see what you are interested in about her.  If she says she loves books by Aldous Huxley and takes a great interest in Reiki and you have no idea who/what those are, ask her to tell you more about them.  If you are familiar with those, say so and ask her what she finds interesting about them.  This strategy for (b) should probably be used every time you speak with her and she is talking.

If you are faced with (c), this situation probably puts you in the greatest chance to fail.  Men have a tendency to want to impress, but what will impress her most is honesty.  If she brings up a topic that you haven't thought about, have little to no experience in, or you are aware of it but aren't sure of your thoughts on it, be honest about that.  "I haven't had much experience in but I would be interested in exploring that."  "I really haven't thought about it but I will give it some serious consideration.  How do you feel about it?" 

If you are at least decent at thinking on your feet and have unsure thoughts about it, try to rattle off a few things you think would be positives about it.  "Oh, male chastity?  I'm not really sure but I think it would probably make me better behaved.  What are your thoughts on it?"

Remember that the honesty rule still applies.  If she seems to love something you absolutely hate, don't just go along with it like it's your favorite thing in the world.  There's a point where you may have to accept that the compatibility isn't there and things aren't going to work.

On the chance that you have made a good enough impression on her to where you hate a few things she loves and she still finds you worthy, she may be willing to compromise her own desires a bit.  While this may feel inherently wrong, if that is really what she wants it is okay to let this happen.  You may tell her that you think it's okay for her to still play with others to get her fix in those activities.  

13.  Be realistic about the outcome and know how to walk away if you have to.
Certain issues can make a relationship incompatible.  Assuming that you can spot these factors out of the gate whether they are a personal issue, have to do with schedules and time, or that simply your BDSM needs are simply too far removed from one another, it's important to know when it's best for both of you to just say no.

If it's obviously not going to work, let her down like a gentleman.  Thank her for taking the time to get to know you, wish her well, and if both parties seemed compatible on a personal level, you may wish to continue communicating as friends.  It is hurtful and a waste of her time and energy if you put in a half-hearted effort when the situation is doomed from the start. 

DO NOT part ways with a fake smile and an empty promise to call.  This is probably the rudest and most disrespectful action that you can undertake.  Ignoring/blocking her phone calls, failing to reply to emails or blowing her off, etc. is a chickenshit way to be and if I was in her shoes I'd want to track you down and punch you in the face.

If you ever wonder why Dommes tend to get a bit jaded in their search, about half of their frustrations probably come from filtering through the subs that are a pure waste of time and the other half, from subs who show promise but turn passive-aggressive and jerk them around without being honest about their feelings.  If you can't say "no" to her face because you think you're being a jerk, you're a bigger jerk if you say "yes" to her face and then "no" with your actions.

It's Hard Being a sissy

It can be very difficult to be a sissy.  If you've reached "the point of no return" and it has become a part of your sexuality, it's doubtful that this will ever go away.

Sissies carry a certain stigma.  Most Dommes tend to view all of them in a similar light even though they can vary significantly from person to person.  It's true that many sissies are cross-dressers, many are transvestites, and a lot of them wish for forced homosexual experiences.  The last category are those who crave it for either the humiliation involved or the intense submission it induces, or a mixture of both. 

For these latter types it becomes a bit of a trial to separate themselves from the other types. 

Many Dommes reject sissies because they feel that a good number of them are very needy and are always craving attention or activities in which they are the focal point.  That is, they feel most sissies do quite well in play situations but tend to be not as good at the lifestyle portion of submission.  At other times, they do come across sissies who are quite good at the lifestyle aspects of submission but those sissies also have a tendency to be doormats, and aren't usually appealing to them as lovers. 

This often leaves those sissies who are capable of being both lifestyle submissives and attractive life partners out in the cold without ever having been given a fighting chance to prove themselves because of who they are.

It's understandable in cases where Dommes simply aren't attracted in the slightest to those who have any underlying desire to cross-dress (no matter what the reason) as this is simply a preference that can be out of our control.  We can't always choose who and what we are attracted to.

However, to the Dommes out there seeking subs but automatically cross anyone who has any sissy tendencies off the list, here's something to think about.  Being a sissy is kind of like being short in vanilla dating.  It's something that is a part of him and it's out of his control.  Most women tend to want a guy who ranges from taller to significantly taller than her, even in heels, which means a guy generally has to be at least 3" taller than she or he will be written off without being given a chance.  By tossing all sissies to the wayside without getting to know them you might just over-look a diamond in the rough.     

Smart sissies are aware of what is realistic and will probably be fulfilled with forced dressing experiences on a part-time basis (while their submission may be full-time).  The sissies who would make worthy subs are often willing to try harder since they know they have to be twice as good to get a chance.  It's okay to require a higher standard of them if you are compromising to meet their needs.  If they are worth their salt, they will be willing to work twice as hard to be viewed as half as good as a regular sub. 

For the sissies out there, be willing to accept the opportunities that may be available.  Being dressed as a maid 24-7 is an unlikely prospect: that is notion is purely a jerk-off fantasy.  However, be realistic in what you would need to still be happy.  I think most of you out there would be perfectly content with being required to wear panties every day, serving fully dressed on Sunday mornings and afternoons around the house, with maybe an occasional outing (even if it's only on Halloween). 

The Perfect sub

The idea of the perfect sub exists, but much like the perfect man, perfect woman, perfect ten, dragon, and unicorn, its actual existence is a bit suspect and often relegated to the fantasy realm.

So what is the perfect sub?  The perfect sub is an ideal.  It is the philosophy and state of being you envisioned that would make you the prized possession of the Domme you seek.  It is the hopes and dreams a Domme carries into her search for a companion.  It is the sub that will perfectly fulfill her desires and keep her existence one of bliss (at least on the home-front). 

Since the perfect sub exists only in the mind's eye, what can us subs ever hope to be and what can Dommes ever hope to find?  The next best thing, which is the almost perfect sub. 

The almost perfect sub fails but learns from his mistakes.  He accepts responsibility for his failures and willingly undergoes corrective measures that will reduce them from repeating themselves.  He trusts the judgment of his Domme to steer him down a path aimed at perfection.

Perfection is something that should be aspired for.  If you aim for the stars and hit the ceiling, you are still above the floor.  This is a mindset of subs who wish to perpetually better themselves.  They are the almost perfect subs.  Dommes should expect this behavior.  She should always expect her sub to move closer to the idea of perfection with every action he makes and every attempt should be better and more proficient than the previous one.

The responsibility falls on the shoulders of both parties.  The sub must be willing to put forth his all without pride or ego.  The almost perfect sub has no pride or ego in his abilities, only pride in being permitted service to his Mistress.  He must be mentally prepared to constantly improve himself and work diligently towards that goal.

Dommes have equal responsibility in this task.  She must be prepared to shape him into the form she desires most with the patience of a sculptor, slowly watching her creation emerge from the stone.  He will fail time and time again and she must be ready to steer him back towards the right path.  She must scrutinize every flaw in him and be creative in her ways of purging those flaws.  The more time that passes, the closer his image should mirror that of the perfect sub. 

Perfect subs aren't born, they're made.  Almost perfect subs provide the best raw materials for doing so under the guiding hand of the Domme that is his creator.

However, this is always a work in progress and it is the journey of a lifetime for a Domme and sub to get closer and closer to the stars.  If the perfect ten is ever reached, it only proves the existence of eleven.  

Is there anything else you'd like me to write about?

I realize my posts are kind of all over the place.  I mainly just write about whatever pops into my head when I sit down at the keyboard.

I'm not sure how many people are out there reading my blog, but if you are and have any requests for things you would like me to write about or discuss, please leave a comment here. 

Chastity Revisited

 The longer I spend in the lifestyle and the more I think about things the more convinced I become that all submissive men (especially sissies) should be kept locked in chastity.  It's not that I think every sub out there is always wanting to sneak off and orgasm whenever they can, it's just that the penis can often cause unwanted behaviors and mindsets.  Do keep in mind that I find long-term chastity to be incredibly unpleasant... but whether or not I feel it's necessary is something still up for consideration. 

Yesterday in my post on the root of submission I had talked a bit about the balance of sexual arousal and love/devotion and how both come into play when it comes to your role as a submissive.  However, in the long-run I believe the penis will always overwhelm the mind and heart.  If you wish to be a perfect submissive and everything that she wants and needs, how come a little bit of arousal and teasing pops up and there's an immediate transformation into a sexually-driven neanderthal?  I'm not saying that this always leads to negative behaviors, but it's more that the motivations behind the behaviors changes drastically and in a bad way.

At some point in the process the core of your submission transitions from being grateful to serve her to a source of fetish-related arousal.  The rational mind blanks and the submissive fantasy takes over. 

The submissive lifestyle minus the erection is still the submissive lifestyle we long for.  The primary difference is that when erections and orgasms are strictly controlled, that lifestyle now exists completely on her terms (which is also what we long for).  The rational mind becomes clear and focused.  There's no "personal spin" on our actions, behaviors, and attitudes.  It becomes a more pure form of servitude.  I see this as a behavioral upgrade no matter how you can try to break it down.

When release and climax only occurs when your behavior has met her exacting standards, the sexually-driven goal of the male now becomes perfect service. 

I would advise Dommes out there to keep her standards at a very high level, one that is almost unattainable without perfection.  A desperate male is capable of rising to the occasion if he has a consequence to fear.  Remaining strict and consistent should bring out the best in him.  An idea to keep him growing would be to raise the standard for his next release each time he earns an orgasm. 

This isn't exactly the answer I wanted to get to but it makes too much sense to ignore.

What is it about Earmuffs?

What is it about earmuffs that messes with me so much?  They seem to set off some kind of weird love/hate battle inside of me.  While they can be quite practical and there are some styles that can pass off as unisex, they are for the most part, an item that is very feminine... although feminine might not be the best word for it... girlie might be a better description.  I have seen women out there who can pull them off in various ways.  Some find a way to have them come off as fashionably chic.  Others manage it in kind of a girlie-cute way. Over the past few years there's been a lot of newer, more practical/fashionable types of earmuffs that have been available on the market which has made this process a bit easier.

Earmuffs have long been a part of my forced dressing.  They were initially used sporadically as a humiliating punishment.  Later on, they became a regular item I was required to wear most of the time.  One of my Mistresses absolutely loved to make me wear earmuffs.  It was a bit of a taunt, since they were fur, but at the same time I wouldn't actually feel fur on my body so if warmth wasn't an issue the fur was simply ornamental with no pleasure involved.  While that was part of it, I think what she enjoyed most was that they made me look stupid and completely sissy.  I was well aware of this and she would constantly reinforce that sentiment as the earmuffs I wore were only the most flagrant of styles.

At some point along the way earmuffs became something that I subconsciously associated with deep submission.  While they have always managed to retain the ability to make me blush and crush my male ego, for some reason it also gives my submissive side a bit of peace.  In the face of teasing and laughter I find myself immediately plunged into the lowest levels of subspace that I find comforting... well, in a controlled environment that is.

Being told I was going to wear them out (even just in the car) would have me whimpering, whining, begging, and pleading almost to the point of tears and I was willing to take a beating for it if I had to.  The thought of it still makes me tremble.

Over the years I've learned many things about earmuffs in the BDSM lifestyle.  Even ones designed simply for warmth will block out quite a bit of sound if it's layered over a bondage hood and a beanie.  Add some wax, cotton, or earplugs underneath and you will practically be deaf.  I guess you could call it "sissy sensory deprivation." 

However, if I have learned anything over the years when it comes to earmuffs is that the only thing worse than being a sissy out in earmuffs is being a sissy out in earmuffs over an equally sissy hat like this one:

Shopping Humiliation

It seems the assigned shopping trip always seems to grace the assignment requests for sissies seeking to humiliate themselves.  While I can understand this in some ways, there's other ways that it doesn't click with me.  You will find people wanting to take on these assignments in two different ways.  Those who get embarrassed buying feminine items and those who buy the items and want to make it abundantly clear it is for them and not for someone else.

I always get the feeling that people seeking the first type haven't had a significant long-term relationship with a woman.  If they did, they probably wouldn't think that picking up a pair of pantyhose or some feminine products at the store on the way home is a very big deal.  For those seeking the latter type it usually seems they wish to have their humiliation happen in a controlled manner.  They want to pick the situation, feel it out, and then drop the bomb on some salesgirl hoping to elicit a humiliating reaction from her.  This isn't the fairest thing to do to her and while some women may enjoy it, I have a feeling that the vast majority will harbor at least some negative feelings in its aftermath.

Granted, any public outing will in fact draw in unwilling participants in that scenario, but why up the ante a bit?  Don't go in to buy an item to merely tell her it's for you, go into a fitting room, put it on, cut the tags off, and wear it to the counter and pay for it.  It's more straight-forward and now, instead of having to bait for a reaction, you'll flat out get one and at the same, depersonalize yourself a bit in the process.  It turns the salesgirl into more of a spectator than a participant, which is a bit kinder to her feelings IMO.  If you need shoes to match a purse (or a purse to match some shoes), wear/bring the item you have and track down the one you need on your own.

I don't know, but for some reason that just makes more sense to me. 

Being ordered to buy something for a humiliation session as well as going out shopping with my Mistress for something that will be used to humiliate me is something I've experienced often.  I've always been a gift-giver and have no issues shopping for women's items when they are for her.  There's a bit more anxiety when I have bought something knowing it would be for me but I can usually keep that under control and behave as if I was shopping for her.

Where things tend to stretch my comfort zone is shopping with her for things to be used on me.  I've always found that for some reason these situations affect me differently and I believe it has to do with the loss of control.  The direction of how the situation goes is fully in her hands.  The thing is, I find these experiences to be agitating rather than exhilarating.  I clam up.  I feel hurried and fidgety.  When I speak, my words become meek and mumbled.

It's such a drastic change compared to when I am alone.  I've been given nondescript orders such as "buy a hat that will make laugh at you when I see you wearing it" and come through fine, in and out without hesitation.  However, if we go out shopping together and if the plan is to "buy a hat that will make her laugh at me when she sees me wearing it," I'll see exactly what she is looking for us to get and find myself unable to speak.  It turns me into a child tugging at a mother's sleeve saying "this one" with his eyes.  This feeling gets completely exacerbated if I'm forced to try it on, carry it around/to the counter, or if it's made abundantly clear that it is for me.

It's odd that this is such a polarized reaction to when we go shopping together for her.  I'm whizzing around, grabbing everything in sight that I think she would like or look good in. 

I'm not sure.  Maybe I enjoy the thought of humiliation rather than the actual act of being humiliated in public?  I'm not really sure.  I can say that those shopping outings definitely plunge me into a rather deep subspace but at the same time they also cause me great emotional distress.  I don't make sense to myself sometimes.


Ahh... Sardax.  What can I really say about Sardax?  For those who have done a lot of surfing in search of Femdom artwork you are probably very familiar with his works.  If you are not, I highly recommend checking out his site or at least doing a Google search for him.  Sardax is a Femdom artist that has been around for years and is very talented.  In FLR/WLM circles he is probably best known for illustrating Elise Sutton's book covers.  In Femdom and fetishist circles, he's widely known for a whole lot more.

I stumbled upon Sardax long ago (when his site was still free and went under the name Sartopia) and I was searching for pictures of women in fur and I was immediately blown away.  The imagery, the beauty, the depth of the depicted fantasy world... it was like nothing I had ever seen and to this day, I have yet to find another artist who has been able to create works on this level.

As my interest in Femdom grew, many of these images became firmly burned into my mind.   He can truly capture the essence of fantasy.

I've always felt that Sardax is to Femdom art what Vargas was to pinup art.  He creates a stylized and idealized vision of a woman that is too perfect to be true.  Something that separates Sardax from the rest is the way he is able to integrate the women into his settings.  With the exceptions of many of his portraits that can look more like poses, the women are generally portrayed in two ways:  taking great pleasure in whatever activity they are partaking in or behaving as if the situation going on is completely natural.  I think that in itself is what makes these fantasies resonate so strongly within submissive men.

While people might believe that it's easy to give this impression, I find it is very rare in actual Femdom portrayals to see a woman (or women) having the time of her life while tormenting a male slave giving an expression like it is her favorite thing in the world.  Accomplishing the appearance of natural behavior in an elaborate fantasy setting is also a feat, although it's hard to compare a woman getting out of a carriage drawn by male pony slaves in front of a giant castle and stepping onto a "red carpet" made of hundreds of men laying on the ground next to one another to anything that you might find in reality.  These fantasy scenes are able to convey that this is how things happen every day and it's nothing out of the ordinary.  Men in his works generally serve more as props or victims and the difference in status is readily apparent.

It's odd to me because a large number of Sardax's works do not appeal to me in terms of their fantasy and content but it seems even the works that I find extreme or far-removed from my own fetishes and fantasies still manage to hold my attention with their imagery.
While I think it's great that Sardax's popularity has grown over the years and he is probably able to make a decent living (or at least a substantial supplementary income) from his website and other commissions, I'm not nearly as fond of his works over the past few years.  They have a bit of a mass-produced feel to them and I'm sure that can be explained by him kicking out 100+ new pictures a year rather than 10 but they also tend to have more of a target demographic with their content.  e.g. these pictures appeal to the foot fetishes, these ones are for those who like smothering, these ones are for the sissies, these are for those with a fetish for strap-on play, etc.
If you go back to his earlier works (the ones on his Classics page) and some of his specially categorized newer works they tend to yield an appeal to almost anyone, regardless of their fetishes.  They just perfectly capture some idealized mystique that subs dream about.

Basically, it's usually quite apparent which works he sunk his heart into... which ones really burned radiantly within him as he was creating them.  It is in these works that he manages to capture the essence of Femdom fantasy.
Sardax does have one book available for sale and his art is found on the covers of several Femdom publications.  All of the pictures I have posted here are from the free area of his website:  http://www.sardax.com