Tuesday, May 23, 2017

A week of uncertainty

Now is one of the times where D/s would help me out so much by keeping my mind in a better place.

It has been five days since learning my job may be in jeopardy.  It has been three days since we had a lawyer lie to us about wages and labor laws.  There is still no certainty about how things will play out nor whether I will be paid without a lawsuit. 

While searching through memories for the source of my job hunting anxiety I remembered some events that happened to me during my senior year of high school and immediately following graduation.  I couldn't get hired.  I was valedictorian and had solid references from my previous two jobs.  I applied anywhere locally that had help wanted signs and was willing to work for minimum wage.  The town was still lily white.  I even had a job that was lined up through a friend who was told if he was willing to vouch for my work ethic that I was as good as in.  Until I went in and met the person in charge of hiring.  They took one look at me and spent 30 minutes trying to talk me out of the job.  He told me he would call me back.  He never did.  His secretary finally broke me the news three weeks later that I wasn't getting hired.  She cited that it was because I wasn't 18 yet... which I might have believed if I hadn't been 8 months older than my friend. 

The summer before I left for college I couldn't get hired anywhere.  I was now a high school graduate with a diploma and no dice.  I even went to hiring fairs and the like.  When I applied at a convenience store a few miles from my house with a big help wanted sign behind the counter, I filled out the app and returned it to be told "we're not hiring anymore."  As a test my (white adopted) mother stopped by there two hours later and asked for an application for her son and if they were still hiring and she was told yes.  That was the last time I had any wonder about why I wasn't being hired... and it was the last time my mother ever gave me shit about not trying hard enough to find a full time job. 

It's kind of stupid that one of the reasons that I held the same job from age 13 to 18 was because I couldn't find other work. 

I know it's kind of stupid to be thinking about this 20 years later but faced with the prospect of searching for another job I'm feeling the demons brewing again and the anxiety keeps me feeling like I'm going to vomit for about 12 hours each day.  My psyche still remembers those struggles... being judged for the wrong reasons... an unwinnable battle.  It's one of the big reasons I stay at a job that is below my abilities. 

I'm at the point where I would take bad news just to have certainty.  I would rather know I have to face my demons than wonder if I will have to face them.  The anxiety is the same whether it's certain or not.  Rationally I know it's stupid to worry about something I can't control and hasn't happened yet.  That doesn't change the way that my stomach twists and turns with uncertainty.