Saturday, June 28, 2014


I really want to get back to drawing.  The truth is, I want to draw better than I am able to at this point in time.  I have been working on some new techniques for drawing/coloring but the improvement is very slow and very gradual.  Having no art background really hurts me here.  It's a bit frustrating as growing up I was not allowed a lot of freedoms to take classes in things that I did not display a talent for (aka I couldn't risk my GPA with art classes).

I do plan to do more drawing.  There's two things I have been working on that need significant improvement:
1. I need to understand the balance of detail/realism.  I'm trying to draw fantasies.  If the characters look more like a comic or cartoon, that probably isn't a bad thing.  Learning what details/parts should be drawn and which parts should be omitted is something I need to figure out.  Being stuck in the tweener state I was in before isn't something I wish to return to.

2. I just don't understand coloring/shading/lighting on a fundamental level.  I think this is the part that aggravates me the most as it not only requires a deeper understanding of art in general but also a significant amount of understanding programs used for illustration.

Hopefully at some point I'll actually do what I need to do to truly improve and not just wish it would happen.

Disturbing the submissive balance of Giver vs. Receiver

Before I took my hiatus I had written a bit about D/s relationships and balancing roles of giver and receiver for a successful relationship.

To briefly summarize:
A Domme has a balance of her enjoyment of giving (G) and receiving (R).
A Domme that predominantly enjoys doing things to her sub will lean more heavily towards G.
A Domme that predominantly enjoys having things done to/for her by her sub will lean more heavily towards R.
The balance can be displayed numerically in some examples:
50G/50R - A Domme that enjoys giving and receiving equally.
90G/10R - A Domme that strongly enjoys doing things to her sub and mildly enjoys having the sub do things for her.
33G/67R - A Domme that moderately enjoys doing things to her sub but more strongly enjoys having her sub do things for her.

A sub has a similar balance of giving and receiving.
A sub that predominantly enjoys doing things for/to his Mistress would lean more heavily towards G.
A sub that predominantly enjoys having things done to him by his Mistress would lean more heavily towards R.
subs thus have a similar balance of G/R.

A D/s relationship is most complimentary when the ratios of G/R for each party coincide, e.g. a 30G/70R Domme with a 70G/30R sub.  In these cases, the sub is less likely to annoy the Domme by trolling her for excess attention and the Domme is most likely to maximize her pleasure with a sub that will serve her to the extent that she desires.

I know this isn't a romantic way to look at things but from an objective standpoint it seems to make sense.

Something I've noticed over the years is that my own balance can change quite drastically within the moment (often to my own disappointment).  Rationally, I've always prided myself as being very service-oriented and it is possible for me to stay focused upon her needs most of the time.  If I had to rate myself I would probably say as a sub I am around 67G/33R as an average. There are other times where I'm feeling 95G/5R and completely focused and in a good submissive mindset when it can abruptly grind to a halt and transition to a less than appealing 1G/99R. 

In hindsight, these transitions are rather shameful.  The submissive pride I have towards being a strong service oriented submissive falters and leads to regret.  Upon further reflection, the primary factor triggering the transition seems to be when arousal becomes stimulation.  This is a very fine and very important line.  I root my own arousal at my sexual connection to submissive activities but there is a threshold where stimulated arousal brings upon a sudden shift to an uncontrolled "me me me, please don't stop" type of impulse. 

I know there are many Dommes that take pleasure in teasing their subs, treading the line between arousal and stimulation and twisting the result as they please.  In other cases, a Domme or sub may wish for intimate contact but not want to disturb the sub's existing G/R balance.  A chastity device can serve as a physical solution to this problem.  I tend to more strongly enjoy the psychological aspects of D/s and wanted to seek an alternate answer rooted in the mental and emotional sides of things.

The best idea I could come up with was fear.  I'm not talking about a basic "she'll get mad" type of fear, but deeply ingrained fear that shakes a sub to his core.  To be successful, the fear needs to be strong enough to subconsciously override the sub's selfish sexual impulses.  In this way the fear has to be somewhat on par with trauma.  If the G/R balance shift is punished severely enough, future occurrences could be prevented by having the sub impulse fear when stimulation reaches a point close to their threshold.  Basically, a Domme could inflict some psychological trauma upon a sub through punishment once in order to prevent it from happening again.

I'm sure there are people out there that would disagree with this method.  In many cases, subs are trained to rules through simple and rational deterrents and/or rewards. E.g. a sub may have an order to clean the bathroom. If they clean it poorly they will be spanked, if they clean it well, they will be rewarded with approval or beyond.  The sub can decide for themselves based on the pros and cons of the choices at hand.

However, the G/R balance shift is not a rational behavioral choice.  I do not choose to turn into something I do not wish to be as a result of stimulation.  It is not a behavior I am proud of nor do I have control over it.  If a sub wishes to rid themselves of it and their Domme holds the same desire, would it be wrong for them to undertake extreme measures?  While the idea of consensual trauma may seem strange, does that make it undesirable?

I know in some ways I probably try to romanticize the role of submissive too strongly in my head.  As the years go by my fantasies grow ever darker and more extreme in order to continually evolve my idea of the ideal submissive.  In most cases fantasy becomes less of what I might physically enjoy but more of the way I think it should be in a perfect D/s world.  I know deep down that I long to love and adore my Mistress but to be terrified of her as well.