Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Depression comes early this year

I've really tried to write and draw lately.  I just can't seem to finish anything.

Things feel lonely right now.  It feels like google's attempt to limit/delete/block "adult" blogs scared many off.  It also seems like people are flocking to select online communities and a lot of the alternative methods of interacting with others have gone obsolete.  It feels like the whole internet is a bit off right now.  I don't know if it's just me but this seems to be the current trend.

I am still in a relationship but D/s has been absent for years now.  She has been busy for the past year or so with things going on in life.  When I can feel my mood turning in this way it makes me miss a lot of things.

There are certain aspects of D/s that are so soothing to someone wired as insecurely as I am.  I'm not sure if this should seem pathetic or not, but I tend to just accept it.  Bondage, symbolism, displays of devotion, chastity, etc. all provide a sense of security as it means that someone cares enough about you to collar you, chain you, lock you, deny you, and so on.  It makes you feel important enough to be constantly monitored in some way.  To be owned.  To be guarded.  All I really know is that there are parts of me that need this in order to feel okay and this is the best I can make sense of things.

There are times that I masturbate while attempting to fantasize about those needs being met.  In the end it feels empty since it doesn't matter if I do that.  There have been certain times in certain relationships where that was something I wouldn't dare do.  But during those times someone cared enough to keep me from wasting my energy on such things.

I think what we need from D/s says a lot about who we are.  I think submissive devotion plays a large part in taming the insecurities of both Dommes and subs.  A sub needs to feel wanted, chosen, and kept.  A Domme (probably) needs to feel loved, trusted, cherished, and empowered.  It's a beautiful symbiosis.

All of this is very meaningful to me and I miss it.  My head has gotten really hazy, cloudy, and unfocused lately.  I can feel myself slipping and the negativity feels inevitable. 

If anyone has any ideas for discussion topics or custom drawings please let me know.  If I can't come up with something to focus on, maybe someone else can.