December Chastity Failings 2017

Well, after several more attempts at devices (read as: money thrown away) I am on the verge of giving up with what is available at my disposal.  The base ring size is giving me the most trouble.  50mm is too large.  45mm is too small.  At the recommendation of a reader I purchased some of the moldable plastic that you can heat in water in order to make the 50mm ring a little bit smaller.  with my first 2 attempts I used too much plastic, which caused a new pinch/rub point.  My third attempt I used less plastic and the result was an excruciatingly painful nut crush as it slowly slid through the gap.  I may give it another go in the future but right now it feels like I just can't win.

I have debated trying Plastidip... but I have read mixed things about its safety with long-term skin contact so I'm a bit wary.  The last thing I would want is cancer of the junk caused by a chastity device.

After all of this I ended up going back to the CB-6000... which I already owned, before I set upon this year's repeated failures.  It isn't comfortable, but it doesn't allow slip through nor does it have any rub points that will damage the skin. It's a bit frustrating though.  Maybe 2018.

November Chastity Failings

So I gave the HT V2 knockoff another chance with the 50mm ring and paid specific attention to lubrication and equilibrium placement... and I ended up having a nut pull through.  This wouldn't be as big of an issue if "pulling through" meant it went through cleanly.  Unfortunately, for those who have had that happen, it means it got crushed and deformed and painfully yanked through an opening it wasn't meant to fit through.  High and tight strikes again.

I tried both that and another device I have with a 45mm ring.  I spent a lot of time attempting to fix the bunching issue again with more lubing.  I was able to last 12 hours before I woke up to searing pain and the next day was experiencing signs of slight bruising and early pressure sore formation.  So... I'm pretty convinced that ring is too small.

As there isn't a 47-48mm ring to try, I'm pretty much looking at pain and discomfort no matter what, it's just a choice of which type of pain.

Nothing I have is looking like a viable long-term option and I'm scared to invest more money down the chastity hole.  On the upside, at least this one was under $30.

Chastity Ramblings November Edition

As I was doing some Christmas shopping on Amazon and signed back up for Prime, I decided to buy a Holy Trainer V2 knock-off that included all 4 ring sizes.  My experiences this past year with a Holy Trainer V2 as well as the metal devices I purchased since then have taught me even more about my anatomy.  Also, I know that with $23 invested, I really won’t worry too much about making modifications if I deem that I can’t get it to fit.  I also was happy to be able to try all of the rings to know for sure and not have to spend $50-60 each.

I have learned that I am larger than I thought I was.  My previous experience was with the Holy Trainer V2 short tube, which is smaller in both diameter and length.  When wearing a “trapped ball” chastity device and attempt an erection, every part of your penis that is not inside the cage will in fact get erect.  While the short cage’s length was probably a better match to my flaccid state, I was finding that I was getting “bottle-necked” where the base of my flesh met the tube.  While the tube diameter is only slightly larger with the standard cage, it reduced the discomfort by quite a bit.

What I am getting afraid of is the same problem I am having with the steel devices I bought as well as the CB-6000:  The largest ring is slightly too big, the next biggest is slightly too small.

Moving up to the 50mm ring size on the HT V2 pretty much eliminated the discomfort caused by the back end of the tube digging into my flesh.  After wearing it for about 5 hours and needing to make a trip to the grocery store, I decided to continue wearing it.  This was a terrible idea.  At some point a nut “wedged” in between the cage and ring and every step I took made me want to scream.  The problem is that I couldn’t find something and I ended up having to lap the store twice.  Quick pocket attempts to discreetly adjust it proved worthless.  By the time I was done I was dripping with sweat from the pain and feeling like I was going to throw up.

I have had this happen with other devices and it seems like I used enough lube to get movement but not enough lube to allow it to freely readjust itself.  I will have to keep experimenting with this as reaching down my pants and tugging my balls isn’t something I can do in a public setting.  Worst case, I may have to go with the 45mm ring and file down a 1/4″ of plastic at the back of the tube.

My Ultimate Cognitive Dissonance: Chastity

Since I have been writing a lot about triggers and cognitive dissonance lately, I thought it would be appropriate for me to share.  Chastity creates the largest type of internal conflict within me out of probably anything within the lifestyle.

Since I know that I have a lot of female readers, it is difficult to adequately describe in an empathetic way just how a chastity device affects a male.  A chastity device doesn’t prevent you from getting horny, it prevents you from getting fully erect.  The male body will still TRY to get erect.  Any “wiggle room” in the tube will be filled.  Any part of the blood vessels that cause the penis to go erect that are impeded will become erect.  E.g. if it is a trapped ball cage device, the base of the penis that sits behind the ring will get fully erect, but the pleasure zones within the cage will not.  That being said, the cage itself provides pressure on the “good spots,” and attempted erections will cause the penis to produce pre-cum.  This is the cause for dribbling and drippage that is commonly referenced to in lifestyle chastity.

What this does is actually make a male acutely aware of his erection attempts.  It builds sexual frustration exponentially because your body WANTS it, but is denied.  The erection attempt will often last for a prolonged period of time, which still redirects blood flow from the brain as it would during a normal erection.  Basically, a chastity device does not reduce sexual desire, if anything, it builds it.

Over time, this creates a progressive state of desperation and a “five stages of grief” type of emotional scenario: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  Since it is healthy for the prostate to be emptied regularly in order to avoid toxin buildup, there exist milking techniques designed to relieve the male of retained semen with or without a pleasurable orgasmic ejaculation.  When performed without pleasure, the prostate is drained but the sexual frustration is not alleviated.
About the closest thing that I could ever envision for a parallel to a woman is the idea of a device that blocks the clitoris from fully expanding.  When the clitoris attempts to expand it would press against a firm surface, causing pressure and friction to keep it in a semi-aroused state.  This then would continue with an orgasm being impossible without the device being removed.  Such a device doesn’t exist.

How is this attractive in the slightest?  That depends heavily upon if you are the one in the device or the one holding the key to the device.

To answer any question about this outright, it is part of my belief in D/s that when I submit, I trust her enough to give her control of my sexual organ.  It is hers to control and while I have my desires, I trust that she will make decisions about my release and relief that are for the good of the relationship.
Herein lies my terror.  This is where my brain breaks down completely.  This is where my submissive self, my idealized submissive self, and my rational self end up in a battle royale.  No one wins, nor does winning have any bearing on the outcome (which is hers).

If I truly believe that my purpose is to be absolutely pleasing to her, it is easy to know what path is righteous.  This is the goal of my submissive heart.  This is my idealized submissive self that I want to actualize.  To become this submissive, how often should I orgasm?  The answer is easy.  Never.
When a male has an orgasm, two things happen:  1) there is a brief period where his body acts on pure selfish instinct and 2) he falls out of mental space.  The reload time of achieving submissive mental space varies greatly from person to person and there are means to set it back in motion very quickly, but it doesn’t change the fact that it requires a build up to reach the same attentiveness that it was at just minutes before the orgasm.  It also doesn’t change the fact that for a few brief moments, I stopped thinking about her.  I wanted it for me.  It felt good.  It was all about me.  I find this notion to be extremely unromantic and I feel guilty in its presence.  It means that I violated my own principles.

Cue the struggles.  Yes, I just said the best way to manage me as a sub is to have me orgasm, NEVER.  Deep breath.  The fact that I know this makes me feel like withholding this knowledge is the same as lying.

Some people use chastity release as a carrot: be well-behaved, be obedient, and provide excellent service for a period of time and you will earn release and an orgasm.  This is a sound theory, but unnecessary in my idealized form of submission.  Why should I need any type of external motivation to be well-behaved, obedient, or to serve well?  I should do those things on my own if I am to be worthy of her.   Why should there be a need for any type of reward for me to perform the role I chose at the level that I promised I would?

This doesn’t mean that sex should be absent.  There are women that really enjoy PIV (penis in vagina) sex.  If she enjoys PIV sex, I would not wish to deny her that pleasure.  We can have sex, I just shouldn’t have an orgasm.  I should build enough endurance to last until she is totally satisfied and then we stop.  My brain is screaming at me right now.  “No, no, no, what are you saying?!  Don’t put this out there or it might happen.”

Setting the tone from the start that I will never have an orgasm reduces the need for complex rules and stipulations.  It alleviates me of unrealistic desires.  It solidifies the concept that I should worry only about her pleasure.  It pounds the idea into my head that I should never bother to hope or ask for an orgasm.  This will cut down on me being annoying and desperate.  I will be desperate in silence.

I like orgasms.  I love having erections.  Giving her the power to take them away terrifies me.  I also know that it is the right thing to do if I truly want to submit to her from the bottom of my heart.

By Request: Chastity Spikes

As per Lady Grey's request via comments, here are the spike option for the CB's that I recently purchased.  I read one review saying they don't leave enough space to actually use them and my one feeble attempt at using them made me gun shy.  These are capable of fitting all three devices that I purchased.

Finally the right fit... well right enough

After more than a decade of searching and over a thousand dollars wasted I finally have found a chastity device or two that isn't horrifically painful and may be suitable for longer term wear.  As much as I didn't want to purchase a third steel device in under a month, I figured it was worth another $26 to see if this would be the magical fit (I am not using it with the catheter tube as that freaks me out).

Almost perfect.  One downside is that my foreskin gets irritated by the "spokes" at the end (another downfall of being uncircumcised).  The other issue is that after repeated arousal attempts, part of my scrotum can also get irritated on the spokes.  It is definitely more comfortable and a bit longer than the other short tube steel device I ordered.  I am not sure if this is the best route for long-term use or if I simply need to add some lube.

This device came with a spiked anti-pullout ring add on but before I was able to even get it on it immediately felt like this is a tetanus risk waiting to happen.  It should fit on all 3 devices.

The alternative is to go with the longer tube version of this device that I received last week.

I feel a bit like Goldilocks... one is a bit too short, the other a bit too long, but there isn't one that is just right.  The longer tube definitely doesn't have the same irritation concerns and it seems to control urine a bit better.  Its downside is its weight.  This device feels significantly heavier (even though it might only be a couple of ounces).

The big positive is that between these two devices, I'm fairly certain that I will be able to find something that will work.

I wouldn't have learned enough if not for the struggles with the Holy Trainer V2 that I went through earlier this year.  I am glad that I was willing to give these cheapo devices from Amazon a chance.  All three locks are keyed alike, so I basically have 3 locks and 6 keys in case any of them break.  I also have 2 rings that are good fits and 1 ring that is a bit snug but could possibly be moved to if anything changes over time.  All of the cages will fit on all of the rings although a couple of them take a bit of jockeying to get locked.  The regions meant for the lock aren't exactly machined to exacting standards... I'm guessing they had to bend some things on every single device to make sure it would take a lock.  I'm out about $80 on the three and I'm feeling pretty good about that considering I have some extra hardware and have spent about half of what most devices cost.  I also have a reference point for if I want to go with something higher quality in the future.

And now... my OCD can rest.

Chastity Tips: When It Burns

This year's chastity experiments have taught me a lot about fit.  This is one of those frustrating topics because of the cost of devices and uncertainty about comfort for long-term wear. You'll hear a lot of people talk about fit and issues, but very rarely are things described well enough to figure out what is going on.  One-size fits most is only a good thing if you fall into "most" and especially frustrating if you aren't sure the appropriate response, e.g. spending $60 on an additional base ring but not knowing if going smaller or larger will yield more benefit.

I wanted to share a bit that I have learned through extensive and repeated failures with devices that others might find helpful. The topic in particular is about the "burning" feeling that some people develop with certain devices.  I have found there are approximately five reasons that lead to the feeling of scrotal burning from a device.  This feeling is very non-descriptive and deceptive since it might be caused by more than one reason. Eliminating them one by one should help.


1. Lack of Lubrication
This probably seems rather obvious, but how and where the friction is coming from isn't always obvious.  For your choice of lubrication I strongly recommend something long lasting.  Silicon-based lube and certain types of butters and oils tend to do rather well.  Lotion and water-based lubes will evaporate too quickly. 

In my own case I have found that I need to lubricate the inside of the ring all the way around and the front of the ring anywhere it will contact the scrotum.  I also lube the inside of the cage, especially along the top where you will come into contact with it when you attempt an erection.  In addition to that I lube the underside of the cage on the outside.  Depending upon how your anatomy is you may get a significant amount of rubbing/bunching there.

Ideally your skin will glide.  If it doesn't, the burn is likely caused by improper lubrication.

2. Skin Stretching
If you have a high and tight scrotum and are using a trapped ball device, there is a very good chance you will get some skin stretching.  This can range from mild to painful but its affects can be minimized, however there isn't a set way to do that.  Using lotion, butters , or oils on the scrotum will make this less unpleasant.  The same things that women use for stomach stretching when pregnant will work on your scrotum.

Ring size can be a major factor but it depends heavily on the design of the device and your anatomy.  With some devices, a larger ring will increase scrotal stretching by forcing it to bend out and around the ring.  With other devices, a smaller ring will increase stretching by decreasing the space between the cage and the ring, increasing the pull because it happens in a different spot.  A lot of this depends on how much space there is between the cage and ring when working from a starting size.  Generally speaking, increasing the gap will reduce stretching. 

This is very true for devices that have adjustable spacers (e.g. CB-6000).  A wider spacer will reduce stretching.

3. Skin Bunching
This is somewhat linked to lubrication but there are other factors involved.  Improper ring-sizing and spacing can also cause the skin to bunch in certain spots and cause additional unpleasant friction that can lead to a burning feeling over time. 

Making sure that you find an equilibrium with how much scrotum you pull through the ring before attaching the cage can help.  This is also the reason that I lube the underside of the cage.  Anything you can do to increase the space between the cage and the ring will often help.

4. Excess Hair
Many devices will encourage shaving.  Good luck trying to get a CB-6000 on without shaving first unless you really enjoy the feeling of hairs being ripped out.  This one gets deceptive because sometimes you might miss a few hairs in an awkward spot and while you might think, "it's only 3 hairs, no big deal," it can become a huge discomfort if they are near a contact point with the ring or cage.  If those hairs happen to get laid flat and trapped beneath a contact point, the constant slight tug that isn't enough to rip them out can give a burning feeling that is tough to differentiate from the others.

5. Pinching of Nerves/Circulation
Generally speaking, it's usually quite obvious within a minute or two if you managed to obstruct blood flow or have nerve irritation.  However, it is possible to have a fine fit in a flaccid state that is too tight when you attempt an erection. 

This is the most deceptive of all types of burns because you will feel fine until you experience intense attempted arousal or frequently linger in a slightly aroused state.  In these cases, the swollen state causes a pinched nerve or series of blood vessels that were originally fine and causes nerve irritation.  What makes this hard to spot is that the pain will generally be in a different spot from where the pinching is happening.  E.g. it will be due to excessive contact on the left side of the penis but the burn will be on the scrotal skin. 

Going larger on the ring or wider on the spacing is advisable.  In some cases the tube diameter might just be too small.

Hopefully at least one person will find this helpful.  The majority of my device failures have been caused by more than one factor at a time, which made it increasingly difficult to figure out the problems.  This is a tender area we are dealing with.

June adventures with Chastity

So after my failed experiences with the Holy Trainer and Strict Gate earlier this year and doing some blog reading I was able to learn more about fit and lubrication than ever before.  My couple of weeks with the Holy Trainer was able to stretch me enough to fit back into the CB-6000S.  Unfortunately I found myself in a similar conundrum as before.  The ring/spacer combo that was comfortable allowed for horribly painful slip through of one nut.  Going to a smaller ring or shorter spacer led to circulation issues.  Fail by a matter of a millimeter or two no matter what I tried.

After doing some more blog browsing I decided to give things a look on Amazon.  Seems natural to order some Blurays, books, sex toys... all from the same place.  Amazon carries a slew of knock off CB's that are made in China but that are very inexpensive compared to the real versions.  We're talking like $20 vs. $160 cheap.  As much as I appreciate the R&D and quality control that goes into developing the devices in the first place, I really can't afford to spend hundreds on device after device that won't fit. 

So... I took a few chances.  The first item was a silicone CB-6000S in the $25 range.  I had read a blog giving a minor review of this and I figured I would give one a look.  I know that it wouldn't be secure, but I was curious if it would solve the pain/circulation issues and be "secure enough" for my current intents and purposes.  Basically, would be a realistic enough toy to mess around with for the time being.

The short answer, no.  The cage portion bends too easily due to my nonstandard anatomy.  Also, it has been hot/humid lately and any perspiration causes the silicone to chafe a lot and I don't have any silicone-safe lubricant that doesn't evaporate after like 15 minutes.  I have debated trying something along the lines of mix & matching the CB-6000's solid rings with the silicone cage or the solid cage with the silicone rings.  I may do that somewhere down the line.  The upside is that It only wasted $25 instead of $150.  This would, however, be a potential option for someone with more standard anatomy that is looking to mess around with it as a toy before taking the plunge into a more serious device. I have heard horror stories about knock off hard plastic CB's cracking and cutting people badly on their tender parts but I am not sure if these are true or urban legends spread by the manufacturers to convince you to spend $150 instead of $20.  I suppose if you are planning on wearing a cage for say, months at a time, it probably is worth the investment in the real deal, even if just for peace of mind.

I followed this up with attempt number two.  My first full metal device than a Houdini knock off I bought in like 2006 on ebay.  I believe this is a cheaply made Chinese device stolen from a design from a more reputable manufacturer.  I read a LOT of reviews on Amazon for the hundreds of options they have for steel devices.  Many of them were like "dude, the edges are sharp and will cut your dick."  Having spent time with the various generations of CB-X000's and some other devices I quickly zeroed in on the options that had what I was looking for.  1) I wanted a contoured ring.  2) I wanted a "closed" tube at the top as my anatomy and foreskin do some strange things as they shift around.  I was a bit wary of this device because many of the "magic lock" type devices had reviews about the locks breaking very easily, but having spent time with legit magic lock devices, the locks are somewhat questionable no matter what.  For $25, I figured I'd give it a go.

Lesson number one that I learned: Do not trust their ring measurements.  45mm in the CB-X000 line and on the Holy Trainer was fine for the ring size.  This one fit a lot smaller and probably is a bit too narrow.  Although there were some rough patches in the cage, they are not actually sharp.  Lesson number two that I learned: Do not trust their cage length measurements.  Either my perceptions of length are off or this cage is just shorter than it stated.  On the upside, the anatomical weirdness actually keeps the top of the ring from being flush with my pelvis so with that space the cage ended up being a length that just barely works in my flaccid state. 

This was my first experience with a cage that was short enough to block ANY attempt at erection.  As a grower that expands roughly 4X, in most cases the cages would allow for partial expansion, and if sufficiently lubed, the tube itself would provide some frustrating stimulation.  This device blocks it immediately as there is no room for any growth and the moderately enjoyable glory of frustration is instead replaced with a "WTF this is terrible!" sensation and emotion set.  You could argue for this being good or bad.

The downside is that the ring started causing pain.

This is on the way and should be here in a couple of days:

I have no intention of using the catheter tube but I ordered the larger ring size.  I am hoping that the ring/cage/lock are interchangeable between the two.  This photo makes it appear that the lock enters on the opposing side but the other two photos have it matching. I guess I will know in a few days.

In any case, at least with these three endeavors I have spent roughly half of what it costs for a "real" device. 

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Pegging

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.

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Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Pegging

Dear Ms. C.

Why do you peg your sub so much when you make it so obvious that he hates it?

-WTF?

It’s not really about what he likes or hates, is it?

Pegging has always been a bit of a turn on for me. It wasn’t long before I discovered the early generations of double-ended dildos that really gave it a life of its own. The Feeldoe and Nexus got me hooked and the Reverb* made it my activity of choice. There’s something powerful about having a cock between your legs. I want to touch it. I want to stroke it. Most of all, I want to fuck something with it. It makes me a bit crazy.

As for pegging my sub, do you really think I would do it as often as I do if he really liked it and wanted it? A large part of my enjoyment comes from knowing that he hates it. He hates it but suffers through it willingly for me to make me happy. In his tears I sense his devotion and love. It’s really quite romantic. I do make sure to give him some aftercare as I know how much it stresses him.

I do love milking him this way. I adore it when his locked up penis dribbles out a stream from me pegging him. I think I know what I’ll be doing tonight. *Grin*.

*A fictitious double-ended dildo that delivers a great amount of pleasure to the wearer when pressure is applied to the exposed end.

END

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Chastity

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 1.

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Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Chastity

Dear Ms. C.

You write about keeping your sub chaste on an almost permanent basis. I’m new to the lifestyle and just don’t understand what the appeal of chastity is for both Domme and sub. Would you please share your thoughts on what you like about it so that I can try to understand?

-ShyMiss

Thank you for the wonderful question, ShyMiss. I remember a time when chastity didn’t make sense to me either. I enjoy sex and the thought of removing that from the equation felt like I would be losing an intimate act that brings me pleasure. While I took control of my sub’s orgasms at the beginning of the relationship, it took several years before I put him in a chastity device. This was done at the behest of my former sub K, but somewhere down the road something changed.

I realized that I love control more than I love intercourse. I love that his pleasure and relief are kept under my lock and key. I love that his sexual frustration makes him ache for me. I love how every time he attempts an erection it reminds him of being owned. I love the way that prolonged chastity has changed how he thinks and has made him more submissive. His orgasms happen so infrequently that his entire focus is on my pleasure.

I still get a bit giddy when I think about it. I completely own his cock and I love it.

If I want to be completely honest, I have to say that there is a darker side at work here as well. My sub enjoys erections (he is a horny little slut). In our earlier days I used to love how perky it was when I would keep him naked and send him scurrying around the house, his penis bouncing around, all eager to please me. Now, I listen to the voice of my inner-sadist a little more. He loves his erections and that makes me want to take them away. Denying him such a simple pleasure mmm… I love it. That metal belt around his waist is truly unnecessary, I just can’t resist keeping him in it, knowing that it takes away something that he enjoys. The longer it stays this way the more I love it.

I still let him inside of me every so often, so it’s not like I do without it completely. I just make sure to wait until my desire to feel him outweighs my darker desires.

END

More Chastity 2017: The Good, The Bad, and The Meh

I'll start with the bad.  After the Holy Trainer proved problematic I got a deal on a Strict Gate, hoping the soft back "tab" would alleviate the issues that I have with the Holy Trainer.  Due to my high and tight scrotum, previous generations of silicon devices just didn't look promising.  If you struggle to stretch it across a 10mm wide ring, what are the chances of it working with a 35mm wide ring?  I had very high hopes for the Strict Gate as a hybrid device, solid ring with silicon cage.

First off, the tab is even longer on the Strict Gate.  Its soft and flexible nature alleviated one problem but created a new one.  The Strict Gate is marketed for being able to switch out four different "pledge rings" that are a solid plastic ring that sit inside the cage.  They make standard, glow in the dark, spiked, and smaller inner diameter pledge rings to suit this purpose.  This ring serves as the "pinch point" for the trapped ball design of this device. 

Due to the shape of my parts, it made it impossible to close the device without having the back tab flex, bend, and twist while working it on.  Unfortunately, if you bend, flex, or twist the top part of the tube it pops the pledge ring out of place and it is pretty much impossible to secure it back into position after it is attached.  "Use it without the pledge ring" was a hope, but without the ring in place and with the help of the "cord" on the bottom applying pressure, the testicles just pull out of the ring. 

I spent two and a half hours struggling with this thing.  I was not able to get it closed a single time with the pledge ring in place.  It was slightly maddening to say the least.  I did manage to get it to hold on for a few minutes without the ring in there.  The end result was an extremely comfortable device that barely felt like anything except for the large ring holding my scrotum forward.  I could see this as being a good thing if you have standard parts but this was a complete and utter failure for me.

Which brings me to the good.  Over the years I have purchased most of my chastity items from Kept for Her or Locked Up Love.  These are US-based retailers that specialize in chastity-related items and stock devices, parts, extra security measures, and the like.  I have had positive experiences with both companies but today I want to talk about Locked Up Love.  My first experiences with them were years ago when trying to track down replacement posts for my CB-2000.  If you are familiar with the CB-2000/3000/Curve, you are aware that once you have the device fitted you have to trim the plastic posts that guide the cage to the ring or they would gouge into your skin.  I thought I had found the magical combination of ring/spacer and trimmed the posts only to find out later that this was not a good fit and I could not return to a wider spacer with the shortened posts.  Locked Up Love was the only place I could find that sold those parts and they were inexpensive and with very cheap shipping. 

Aside from access to parts, if you aren't picky on what generation device you get or are looking to experiment with something else, they often have some very good clearance deals on previous generation models.  One of the big differences separating them from other companies is that they have a return policy on most items, even if they are opened.  There is a restocking fee on unopened items as well as a percentage deduction on opened items.  Yes, you can return a chastity device that you purchased but doesn't fit for a 50% refund or 75% store credit towards a different device.  This might seem like a lot, but seriously, if you just spent $150+ on a device and 5 minutes out of the package you realize it just won't work, being able to get anything back on it is a good feeling. 

The other byproduct of having a return policy is that they sanitize and resell the returned items at a significant discount (~40-50%) and these items are also covered under their return policy for a full refund minus shipping.  While I'm sure someone is thinking this sounds gross, it's not very difficult to sanitize plastic and if you aren't sure how a device will work and don't feel like throwing away money, this is a great option.  You can also buy returned parts, such as a Holy Trainer base ring for a significant discount.  The Strict Gate I purchased was through this method and thankfully I will be getting a refund on it rather than wanting to curse and punch someone in the face.

Now for the meh.  I've decided to give the Holy Trainer another shot.  I'm trying to think back to how the other devices felt when I used them and I realize that the way the HT sits is just so different that it actually feels different in the way that it blocks an erection.  It is still frustrating but also a little bit painful (not in an excruciating way), so being teased while in it is a bit less "fun."  I have been able to pinpoint that the skin pain issues are caused by the fact that my left nut is larger and shaped differently than the right.  I will be experimenting quite a bit over the next few weeks trying to see how to get the bits and pieces properly seated to minimize the problems as well as working on stretching things out.  This won't be a lot of fun as much of it will involve figuring out what parts need lube and which ones should not have it.

At some point I may look into a different size ring for the HT, but at $57+ per ring and no clue if it will actually help, I'm not really excited to go down this path, especially considering I have no idea if a larger or smaller ring will help as each solves one problem but causes another. 

More adventures in chastity: Holy Trainer V2

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote anything of a chastity device review (January 2012).

This past week I was able to get a good deal on a (legit) Holy Trainer v2 chastity device.  Nearly everything I had read about this device has been positive with a handful of gripes about security, which is bound to happen with anything that isn't a full belt or doesn't involve a piercing.

I've touched on it a bit before but I own a Houdini knock off, a CB-2000, CB-3000, CB-6000, and CB-6000S (that I purchased when they made it available cage only).  Also, as much as I hate talking about my junk, this will only be helpful to others if I put it out there.

Basically, every part of my sexual anatomy does NOT want to work with chastity devices:

1. Uncircumcised.
2. I'm a "grower" not a "show-er".  The magnitude is in the realm of 3-4X increase.
3. I have an extremely high and tight scrotum.
4. Asymmetric testicles (one is bigger). 
5. I have a layer of baby fat on my pelvis that has never gone away (even when I was fit/trim).  It is sort of like having the penis sticking through a 1/2" thick pillow.  The base sits below the surface and if you press it down in one spot, the other side will rise.  This skin never "toughens up." 

Combine all these factors together and you have the perfect storm of wasted money and frustration from devices that don't fit.  I enjoy the exquisite frustration of chastity but I have never found something that I could wear comfortably for more than a few hours.  Most of the other experiments ended either with a bruised testicle from being able to pull through in a bad way or if I was able to configure them to avoid that, they inevitably led to wounds on the scrotum or pelvic skin (#5).

I really really really wanted the Holy Trainer to work.

I have only positive things to say about the ring.  Unlike the CB-X000 line devices that have a perfectly round ring, the Holy Trainer's ring is contoured in its shape to actually fit the male anatomy and is very smooth.  If you are new to chastity you will likely get some burn from skin stretching, but, wow, what a difference this makes in the chastity experience.

The cage portion sits at a decently low angle and the gap between the ring and cage is very similar to the CB-X000 line using spacers on the narrower end of the spectrum.  Initial comfort was excellent, but the cage design also ended up being the reason for the device not working for me.

The top back edge of the cage portion extends slightly beyond the back of the ring.  While the edge isn't sharp... it's definitely not rounded and contoured in a friendly way if you have #5.  The end result is that due to #3 and #5 the back edge of the cage does touch the skin and due to #4, it would pull the corner in an uncomfortable way.  The end result is that the skin would actually pull itself over the corner and lead to an unnatural level of pull and discomfort of the skin on that side.  Within 15 minutes the area would burn.  After 45 minutes any part of the scrotum on that side was painful to the touch.  Attempts to "pad" the area just seemed to disperse the pressure and not actually solve the problem.  I'm guessing it was pressing on some nerves/circulation spots.  After ~8 30-minute trials I noticed the skin at that spot was getting very tender and staying that way for a couple of hours after removing it. 

The end result is that it will not work unless I were to heavily modify the cage portion and seeing as the only B I received in K-12 was in shop class, that isn't in the cards. 

In order to give a more complete review I will talk about a couple of other aspects. 

The lock is both amazing and infuriating.  No more padlock rattle.  The locking mechanism sits neatly out of the way.  That is good.  The downside is that to get everything to line up was difficult.  Due to #5, holding the cage in place while trying to get the little insert in perfectly was maddening at times.  It would occasionally flip its tab just as I was about to insert it.  At other times it would go in through 2 of the 3 pieces it needs to pass through but then would not want to make a clean contact into the 3rd section.  I would end up having to remove the cage and reset it.  A handful of other times it would get into all 3, but was just off enough to where it couldn't be locked. 

As maddening as this lock might seem, compare it to a CB-6000 and its 27430928 tiny hard plastic parts that all want to pinch you while you try to get the lock in place and it seems sort of silly to complain about it.  The Holy Trainer V2 is 2 pieces + the lock.  I experimented with a few of the CB-X000's last night and found myself swearing as I dropped one of the spacers and found myself crawling around on the floor with a flashlight for 5 minutes.  Advantage Holy Trainer.

An odd byproduct of lack of a padlock is that the Holy Trainer doesn't have anything that can be used to attach a leash or chain... ya know... in case that ever comes up. 

Overall, I think this is an excellent device... for someone other than me.  Aside from that pinch point I would say this is significantly more comfortable than the other plastic devices on the market that I have used.  Unfortunately that pinch point is enough of a factor to keep this from being a viable option in the long-run.

Thoughts on Chastity

A post I made recently on my Wordpress blog got a comment that I gave a partial answer to.  I don't think I've written much on chastity in the past year so I figure that might be a topic to revisit.

My older version of writing would probably have taken the pros and cons and presented them in an infomercial-esque way, talking about the potential benefits of chastity in a relationship, and so on.  This time around I don't really feel like going that route and will present it from a more personalized outlook.

The comment I am referring to basically asked if I needed a device to keep from going out of control with my genitals.  That is an easy answer, no, a device is not needed to do that.  There are many terms for male subs that are unwilling to give up sexual control and/or follow the rules of said sexual control through their own willpower... and few of those terms are kind.  If you have been in or practiced a serious Femdom or FLR type relationship, your ability to jerk off whenever you want to likely went away very quickly.  This sort of goes with the territory.

I've always felt that chastity wasn't a replacement for the honor system or self-control, but something that works as part of a control dynamic that one or both parties finds enjoyable. 

I actually enjoy chastity (within reason) quite a bit.  Part of it is because I am drawn to women who really embrace control dynamics.  If locking me up and tucking away the key fuels her Domspace and gets her juices flowing, great!  This serves as one more thing that can be held strictly under her thumb.

One of the things that appeals to me most about chastity is that the sexual frustration is exquisite.  It's very difficult to describe and brings about an entirely new set of feelings, awareness, and emotions.  It's so easy for us to take erections for granted and at inappropriate times we can even attempt to tune them out and/or clear the mind.  Most guys have a pair of pants that makes them more aware of the tent they are pitching during an erection as the pressure of the fabric pushes against the direction your penis is moving.  With a chastity device on, you get that "attempting to pitch a tent" feeling but it can just go on and on and on, providing just enough pressure for it to want to keep trying but it has nowhere to go.  It's pretty much impossible to ignore this when it is happening and that is the source of a lot of other emotions.

There is kind of that natural human impulse to want what you can't have.  Fighting to have an erection that will never happen makes you want to have it even more and/or touch it.  You also become very aware of just how many erection attempts you have in a given day.  You can't just shut it off and time drags while it is happening, fueling both passive and active submissive thoughts.  From a subspace perspective it reminds you of her control over you.  From a loving perspective you will start thinking about her a LOT.  Even if it starts out because she has the key, the thoughts can become almost obsessive and it's quite common to think of things that would make her happy.  e.g. picking up some flowers and candy on the way home from work.

A byproduct of all of this that happens with some women (but not all), is that she will enjoy the idea that you can't get erect that she will go out of her way to get you to attempt an erection.  The extra teasing, sexual tension, and attention can be quite enjoyable and bring the intensity to new heights.

Based upon what I have read and the subs I have talked to, I believe these parts aren't all that unique among subs in chastity.

There are a couple of aspects that are unique to me.  One of which is that I have a fairly libido.  While I enjoy a lot of activities that may be perceived as sexual, I have a fairly low craving for sex and if I had a stressful day or am in the midst of nerding out on a hobby, my sex drive and attentiveness diminish greatly.  A chastity device builds up a lot more unavoidable sexual tension and my cravings and desires tend to grow with it.  It can be a bit of a contrast, going from thinking about sex 0-2 times a day to 20+ times a day by the addition of a device.  It's kind of silly but it's true.

The other aspect is that when my depression cycles up my sex drive falls to virtually 0.  If D/s dynamics aren't going regularly it's common for me to not even have the desire to masturbate for ~3+ weeks at a time.  A chastity device changes that and the awareness it brings tends to keep me in a more positive mental state (subspace) which actually counters a lot of the normal effects of my depression. 

30 Days of submission: Day 27

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? 

Two of them exist as fantasies.  The lesbian fantasy where I am displaced as the lover by another woman and the fantasy of extended chastity.  I have done nearly everything else I had ever wanted to do.

Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

The lesbian one doesn't confuse or frighten me all that much and it excites me quite a bit.  It is something that T and I pursued but to no avail.  The short-term prospect is probably more feasible but I'd have to wonder if my submissive psyche would adjust to it in the long-run and find a new level of subspace that I find desirable. 

The extended chastity fantasy terrifies me completely.   I feel like a walking oxymoron that it arouses me.  It's just something that I know experiencing would be rather unpleasant even if my mind and principles can rationally agree with it.  It is PSA for "be careful what you wish for."

Thoughts on Submissive Behavior and Control

I've been feeling stretched too thin lately and it is a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time.  Emotions pulled around with hope in tow but uneasy and exhausted at the same time.  I'm going to try to write this post and I'm hoping my brain allows it to be coherent.  I have no idea where this post will take me so I will just write and see what comes out.

I've been slowly processing a lot lately in regards to the thoughts that brought about the Searching for a Term post.  Reading the words people write and having discussions with others... a lot more is starting to make sense.  I often wonder how some of these nuances get so complicated... but I know that's just how things are.

I feel like I've finally managed to see the forest without being blinded by the trees on this subject and the bigger picture leads me to the topic of control and how it interacts with submissive behavior and subspace.

In regards to submissive behavior I fear that I am skewed by how my own submission works.  When I submit through love it transports me to a different place in my mind that changes the values and priorities of my being and creates a sexual connection with my submissive behaviors.  This is the state that I refer to as my subspace.

There are many submissive husbands or partners that willingly take upon themselves life's more tedious tasks including cooking, cleaning, chores, and the like.  A part that I feel like I am missing is the knowledge as to how other subs who perform these tasks feel about doing them.  I can only speak for myself in that when dynamics/rules/expectations are in place I do these out of love and knowing that these are what she expects of me I enter subspace and get aroused.  What do other subs feel?

Do they do it purely out of love in the absence of subspace and does their heart tell them "I want to do this and it makes me happy" or is it closer to "I have to do this because this is what she wants"?
Do they ever feel frustrated and wishing they did not have to do it or are they always able to keep their mind pure?

The closest I can imagine to my feelings in the absence of subspace is having to clean or do chores for someone I do not submit to.  Would I do these things happily and with a smile?  Probably not.  I do not enjoy them nor are they something I would likely volunteer for.  I could see doing it once or twice as a favor or to repay a favor, but these aren't activities that float my boat in a general sense.

However, if I was asked to cook or clean for someone by my Mistress with expectations that I will do a thorough and quality job, this does tap into my subspace and I would willingly comply and most likely have an erection.  The fear of failing to meet her expectations in addition to the threat of punishment are very strong submissive triggers.

Working off of the descriptions used by the people's with views that don't quite coincide with my own, I find myself having to believe that there must be a significant submissive male population that "happily" does chores purely out of love and without the need for subspace.  My brain is at odds with this belief due to the number of complaints you will see about the number of subs that do not wish to partake in the service side of the lifestyle.  My rational self believes that the men in relationships who perform the services daily over the long-run find a way to access their subspace through this.

If anyone has any insight into this please share it with me.

This leads me to the second half that is more closely related to the Terms post and this is the relationship of control to Domspace.  The way that I am finding differences in the philosophies of Domme's is heavily rooted in their views on control.  Nearly all Dommes want to have control.  A smaller number of Dommes take pleasure in exerting, maintaining, and ensuring control.

I find this to be a crucial difference and falls at the core of what I have been trying to find words to convey for several years.  This difference has widespread effects in regards to the dynamics are set up within a relationship and often seems to determine the rules and consequences that go along with expectations.  This strongly affects views on punishment dynamics, chastity, and the like.

A Domme that only desires control may see exerting, maintaining, and ensuring control as a chore.  They may make a statement like "When I state an expectation I assume it will be met without the need for fear or threats."  This view is common and I believe it assumes that either subs do not require any extra motivation to enter subspace or that subs do not require subspace to to be wholly compliant.  This doesn't make things any less dominant, it just requires a sub to perform well in the absence of dynamics. 

A Domme that draws pleasure from exerting, maintaining, and ensuring control seems to be wired a bit differently.  Those acts are a source of enjoyment rather than reluctance.  They may enact punishment dynamics because they want the sub to feel fear and experience pain if they fall short of expectations.  They may add rules or twists to the routine to increase the intensity and/or cause the sub to struggle.  I believe all micro managers fall under this type.  I believe that Dommes that believe in maintenance punishment are also of this type.  If the rules are strict is maintenance actually needed?  Probably not, but it provides them a reason to make the sub suffer in the absence of failure and wielding this type of control appeals to them.  They do it because they want to and because they like it.

I'm kind of feeling like this is the best contrast I am going to get to but I'm not quite happy with being able to describe them at their essences without just tacking on a slew of examples of each.  I do feel like this has helped me reach some of the "missing perspective" that I was failing to understand from the first Domme type that I outlined above.  Unfortunately when I have encountered those types and asked questions, it was very clear to me that they do not want to explore it in detail.  I have to say that from the outside looking in, it is a hell of a lot harder to put these pieces together.

I am also curious if the submissive type that I spoke about in fact exists and what their feelings are like both when they are "in the mood" and not in the mood to perform their tasks.  I have mostly thought under the view that to find that fulfilling they would require subspace but I am open to the idea that they are just better and more pure than I am in a way that I struggle to relate to.

In any case, I hope that at least someone finds this interesting.

Fiction: fs01 - Part 70

Author’s note: This skips forward a few days from Part 69.

---------------------------

LXX

Day 6.

I haven’t left the house in a couple of days. I fill each day with activity but end up feeling empty. It reminds me of my life pre-Mistress. Plenty to do but living for myself has never felt fulfilling. I don’t feel like I’m slipping into depression, but I don’t feel good either. It gets harder and harder to find things to do. I don’t remember things ever seeming this… bleak. Maybe it’s because I didn’t know any better so I just kept on going. Knowing what I know now… I don’t like this.

I continue working on the song I’m learning for Mistress. I have the guitar pretty much nailed so I begin working on the vocals. The melody is easy. Memorizing the lyrics is hard… well, hard for me. I should have it mastered by the time she gets home. I hope she lets me play it for her before she takes the guitar away.

I have watched all my movies and read all of the books I bought. I have passed the last few days by having marathon sessions of Game of Thrones. I’m on season 5 now. The story is starting to feel weaker and that makes me feel sad. I don’t even try to sleep without the hat and earmuffs on anymore. There’s no point. It feels so different putting them on voluntarily… it seems sickening in a way. I haven’t written to Mistress as often. When I miss her I bury my face in her robe.

Today I try something new and hop on the computer. I stare at the desktop for several minutes before firing up a browser. My fingers hover above the keys as my chest tightens. I feel like I’m being disloyal by even considering this. I take a deep breath and my fingers begin to type into the search box: “fur femdom.” I hit enter and watch the results load. I click on the images tab.

Box after box fills with images of women in furs. My heart sinks a bit. Most of the photos are professional poses. A handful are grainy and poorly lit done by amateurs. At some point this used to “do it” for me. Now it just makes me miss the feelings even more. I miss my Mistress. I try to narrow my search, this time I enter “fur femdom sissy humiliation.” The top three hits are sponsored links for furniture stores. The content is sparse, mainly generic links to porn sites that are probably loaded with viruses. I click the images tab. A few boxes load with some of the same models in fur coats but now with grotesque looking male french maids. I wonder if I look that awful to other people. I probably do. Mistress’s view that feminization doesn’t look like women rings true even in porn.

I change the search to “fur sissy”. It returns Sissy Spacek in fur. My eyes find the line “increase your results by” and look as it crosses out either sissy or fur. I’m such a loser… I can’t even porn right. This is more depressing than arousing. The search engine recommends searching for sissy humiliation captions. I click the link. I skim through them, writing off the majority. I have no desire to suck cock. I have no desire to be cuckolded by another man. A handful of them reference chastity or being locked in a uniform. They break the surface and wake up the most basic submissive feelings within me. I miss my Mistress.

After a dozen or so captions they start to all feel the same. At least some of them have pretty women in them. The themes repeat over and over and I realize what is missing… there’s no love. I know this is the fantasy for many but it’s night and day for me. It’s enough to cause a rift between “feeling submissive” and “being in subspace.” I never doubt Mistress’s heart.

I had hoped the internet would make me feel better. Instead I just feel more alone. Without the chastity belt on I probably could have pleasured myself for a couple of minutes to some of these images. Locked up securely in steel… I don’t know what I was hoping for… feelings… that just aren’t possible. It’s very hard to pretend when you are accustomed to reality. I will try again tomorrow.

I sulk in a long shower before bed. I put on my hat and earmuffs and instantly feel my heart twitch. I pick up the phone.

“Mistress,

I miss you so badly. I love you so much.

Your pet.”

I just have to last a couple more weeks. I need to be strong. Sleep finds me easily tonight.

Day 7.

I turn off the TV after watching a particularly weak episode. As much as I wish to know what happens I’m not sure it will improve from here. I have the melody of Mistress’s song memorized along with verse one and the chorus. I will work on it twice as hard from here on out.

I try the internet again today. Just sitting down at the computer makes me feel desperate and pathetic. I try a different search engine today. It spits out the same images but in a different order. I try something new. “fur fetish sissy.” To my pleasant surprise I find some new images but mostly transvestites. I add humiliation and hit enter. A wall of pictures appears before me, seemingly ignoring the “fur” part of the search box. I’m about to close the tab when a small image catches my eye. The picture is of a man covering his face while wearing a fur-trimmed women’s jacket, a hat with a huge fur pom, and a pair of big fluffy earmuffs. I pursue the link and load the page.

I read the introductory text and scan through the images. He’s a single heterosexual submissive male. I can tell by his posture that it embarrasses him terribly to do this. It also seems like the shame is multiplied by the fact that he knows that he needs this. For the first time I feel a similar vibe to what I know. I close the browser and escape to my mind. My fingers gently tease my nipples as I imagine Mistress pulling something like that out of the garment bag and announcing she’s taking me out for the day. I feel my sex strain against the belt with an immediate chaser of guilt at desiring the submissive feelings I associate with it.

I cringe quietly. This does me no good. I close my eyes again and the salesgirl’s voice haunts me again. I feel my face burn and I just want to hide. The feeling lingers but I can’t hide from myself. I try to change my train of thought. I open the browser again and search for movie stores… DVD stores… and there aren’t many left. The majority of them would be at least two hours worth of bus ride and transfers or are unreachable out in the burbs. Only the bookstore is close. I close the browser and go lie down. I’m so tired.

I barely eat today.  The energy isn't there.  The desire isn't there.  I stare at the wall while my thoughts drift in and out. I pick up the phone and begin to type.

"Dear Mistress,

I miss you so badly.  I hope work is going well and that you are having fun with everyone.  I am trying my best.  I love you with all my heart.

-pet."

I drop the phone on the bed and close my eyes.  I'm startled when the phone beeps at me.

"pet,

Keep hanging in there.  I will be home as soon as work permits it.  Do whatever you have to do to get by.  Make sure you do something fun tomorrow.  Call Dominique if you get too lonely.  I love you, always.

-Mistress."

I feel my heart warm up and my mind wakes from its slumber.  I read the message again and again, basking in the happiness it brings me.  I quickly type a reply while the feelings are still fresh.

"Thank you, Mistress.

Hearing from you makes my heart tingle.  You are what I love most in this world.

-Forever yours, pet."

I press send and immediately feel a strange sense of loss.  I should have waited to respond.  Now I am the one that waits.  I shake the thoughts from my head and re-read the message.  I will go out tomorrow. I have to be strong.

As I get ready for bed I put on the hat and harness.  I place Mistress's robe on one side of the bed, its collar leaned up on the pillow. I lie on my side and shuffle my pillow closer until the remnants of her perfume fill my nose.  I place my hand on the sleeve and close my eyes.  I doze off quickly and sleep soundly.

Day 8.

I wake up feeling refreshed.  I hop out of bed and head straight for the bathroom and then the shower.  Mistress's words have me in better spirits today, it was so good to hear from her.  I wash myself thoroughly and shave as she likes me to.  Today is a new day.  I will do something fun today.  My appetite returns and I eat a decent breakfast.  With my toast I have a banana and some chocolate milk.  I don't really have much of a sweet tooth but go long enough without something and it always seems to hit the spot. I pull out the phone.

"Thank you, Mistress, for the chocolate milk. Drinking it makes me feel giddy and like a (happy) kid again.

Love, pet."

I make my way to the computer.  No porn today.  I search for the closest movie theater.  The nearest one is about a mile from the colonel.  A movie and chicken, that's fun right?  I don't really know anything about the movies that are playing but I figure something light-hearted would be better for my mood as of late.  I track down what appears to be a stupid raunchy comedy and reserve a ticket for the matinee showing.  I check the forecast before I leave. Thank God, it's a lot warmer today than it has been the past few days with a light chance of snow. I will wear the gloves today but leave the others at home.  I will remember to stop by a store and buy some that are less feminine. 

I make the walk to the bus stop.  It's a bit windier than they had projected and I have some second thoughts about turning back.  The bus is on time.  I get off at the now familiar stop and walk up a few blocks to get some chicken.  Today I get it with coleslaw and mac & cheese.  I'm probably going to gain weight before Mistress gets back but it's a small price to pay to enjoy food again in this limited window of opportunity.

As I leave I notice a that light but sticky snow begins to fall.  On the sidewalk I stare at the bookstore across the street.  I feel my chest twitch and I force my thoughts elsewhere.  I'm going to a movie.  I'm going to have fun.  I decide to walk toward the theater rather than waiting for the next bus.  My foot starts to ache a bit. I really need to get more exercise and these shoes are rubbing my foot in a strange way.  I tough it out.

The movie is predictably stupid but there are a handful of moments that have me laughing.  I don't usually see these types of movies.  I feel good about branching out today.  A bad comedy is often a better watch than a bad drama and I'm so out of the entertainment loop that this was a safer bet anyways.  Across the street I spot a small shop that appears to deal in men's and women's accessories.  I cross at the crosswalk and make my way inside.  While the signage advertised men's and women's accessories it's mostly women's and has a boutique-like feel to it.  The men's section is limited to a small case and one rack in the back corner. A handful of neckties and fashion hats, some wallets and a very small selection of leather gloves, winter hats, and scarves.  I inspect a pair of the gloves.  The leather is soft and smooth. The tag says they are cashmere lined.  They are $99.  Mistress would kill me.  The hats and scarves are also cashmere and nearly as expensive.  I let out a sigh and turn to leave.  Something catches my eye and I realize that I really picked the wrong shop.

Across from a selection of handbags is a case and display of fur accessories.  I keep them in my peripherals as I pretend to walk past them calmly.  I fight the urge to look directly at them and continue moving as I pass by a middle-aged woman trying some of them on in the mirror.  I quickly debate finding something as a gift for Mistress but I doubt she would like that very much.  I'm sure she would appreciate the sentiment but scold me for wasting the money on something she could have made for much cheaper at her shop.  I decide instead that I will get her a flower the day before she gets back.  I will find the most beautiful flower in the entire shop.  I leave the store with a smile and begin walking back towards the bus stop.

My mind wanders as I walk.  The falling snow forms a layer on the sidewalk and parked cars.  I will have to look up the closest flower shop when I get home and plan a day around that.  The bookstore's awning draws my attention as it comes into view.  I keep walking past it.  Not today.  I reach the alley and pause.  A rush of anxiety crashes against my heart.  I feel the urge build.  I turn and walk back towards the bookstore.  I fight off the craving as I near the door and keep on walking.  I stop at the crosswalk.  What's the matter with me?  Why am I so fucked up?

I don't want to go.  I need to go.  I don't want to go.  I need to go.  Dejected, I turn and hurry to the entrance before I can change my mind.  I brush the snow off of my shoulders and rack my brain to come up with a reason for being here.  I find the familiar woman standing behind the counter, a smirk on her face as our eyes meet.  I look away and my face rushes hot with shame.

"Hello, Mister sissy.  No hat today?"

"How did you..."

"It wasn't tough to figure out.  I didn't think you'd come back."

Two exchanges in five seconds and I already feel rattled to my core.

"Umm... I saw the sign saying that you buy used books and DVD's... how does that work?"

"You bring them here and we pay you money for them."

The candid response to my question makes me feel stupid.  I am stupid for subjecting myself to this yet again.

"You have to be the owner of them and you need a photo ID."

"Okay.  Thank you, ma'am."

The thought of selling back the books and movies I bought vanishes with the mention of an ID. I turn to leave.  Her voice stops me.

"By the way, I found another book you might like."

I freeze like a deer in headlights.

"I was going to show it to you if you came back but you disappointed me today.  I'm sure you remember."

I blurt out the answer automatically. As the words leave my mouth I realize that she baited me.

"You said your day feels empty if you don't see me in that hat."

"Naughty boy. If you heard me then you should have acknowledged that I was speaking to you. And what are you missing today?"

I close my eyes as my face burns hot.  Why is she doing this?  Why can't I get it out of my mind?

"Come back tomorrow if you want me to show it to you.  I'm here from noon until eight.  I expect you to be dressed properly."

"Wearing the hat?"

"Since you dressed inappropriately today, I think you can do better.  Surprise me.  If you surpass my expectations, I just might help you.  If you let me down or don't show up, then I never want to see you here ever again."

I simply nod and head for the door as quickly as I can move without running.  My chest pounds.  I feel awful.  I want to scream and cry.  How am I this fucked up?

Outside the shop I rush for the alley. My face burns, melting the snow on contact. My stomach churns and boils. If Mistress was here she would hug me and everything would feel okay. What am I doing? Why is this so hard? It has only been a week. Only a couple of weeks left. When I have calmed myself enough to function I hurry for the bus stop.

I keep my head down on the ride home. I feel ill. The ride seems longer than usual. The snow slows the traffic. I don’t understand why, it snows all the time yet a fraction of an inch and everyone forgets how to drive. I depart the bus and rush home. I want to get away… get away from the world back to our safe little haven: the world that Mistress built just for us.

Inside the door I knurl my fists into my hair and cry out. I can feel my eyes going misty on me as I head for the coat closet. The hat sits on top of a box taunting me. I dig through the box… the bin full of items that Mistress never wears. I spread them out on the floor and group them by color. A lump forms in my throat and my face contorts in agony. Why am I doing this? I quickly return everything to the box, remove my coat. In the living room I dive onto the sofa and bury my face in a pillow.

I reread Mistress’s email. Is this lonely enough to call Dominique? I page through the numbers stored in the phone. Apparently Mistress arranged it just for the duration of this trip. It has her phone which wouldn’t be in service, Dominique, pizza, and taxi. I hesitate for a moment before I finally place the cursor over Dominique’s number and press the call button.

It rings a few times before it answers.

“What?” Her voice speaks sternly and directly. My hands start to shake.

“You have two seconds before I hang up.”

“Umm... Miss Dominique? It’s fs.”

“Hello, little one, I’ve been expecting your call. Are you ready to submit to me?”

“Miss Dominique… I was just feeling lonely and was wondering if you would talk.”

“It’s none of my concern.”

She hangs up. The phone slides from my shaking fingers into the couch. I cover my face with my hands and scream through my nose. I am truly isolated. A sudden tick in my heart points out that I am being selfish. This turns into self-disgust… self-loathing… and awareness of how ashamed I would be if Mistress saw me not making the best of things. I don’t want her to worry about me.

I turn on the stereo and grab my guitar. I play her song over and over again, singing until my voice is raw and hoarse. My hand aches. My throat aches. I make some toast for dinner. Chewing toast seems so loud in a quiet and empty house.

After dinner I start a shower. I climb in and drop to my knees, eventually ending up in the fetal position under the spray of the steamy water. Nothing seems to help with the twist of conflicting emotions. Nothing helps when my greatest desire is just to be by her side.

After the shower I dry off and get ready for bed. I feel listless. I look over at the cage sitting against the wall. I take Mistress’s robe and drape it over the bars. On my knees I crawl inside. I press my face to the edge, touching the tip of my nose to the robe and inhaling deeply. The familiar scent makes me smile; it soon shifts to a frown. I’m a poor excuse for a human.

I type an email to Mistress.

“Dear Mistress,

You are the light of my life. You are the center of my heart and my world. I love you more than anything. Be safe.

-Love, pet.”

I put down the phone and head straight for the hat and harness. I crawl into the cage and curl up with a small pillow. This is who I am. Sleep finds me quickly.

Day 9.

I wake up disoriented and with a rush of adrenaline. My eyes instinctively find the bed. My heart sinks. She’s not here. I leave on the hat and harness and I pick up the phone. I reread Mistress’s last message.

I read a sentence out loud.

“Do whatever you have to do to get by.”

I don’t understand. Did she anticipate this? I imagine myself asking for her permission. Mistress, can I look for porn? Do whatever you have to do to get by. Mistress, can I buy a guitar? Do whatever you have to do to get by. I can’t help but feeling like shit… like I’m betraying her. I worry that I’m reading into this to find the answers I want. I’m not a good person.

I tear the harness of my head and throw it against the wall. Fuck this defeatist attitude. Why is this so hard for me? Why do days seem so hopeless when I have nothing to look forward to except knowing the next day will be the same? I cringe as my heart reminds me.

Mistress, should I go to the bookstore today? Do whatever you have to do to get by. This is the only variable in my life. This is the only thing I can’t control. This is the only thing where the outcome is unpredictable. This is the only thing right now that makes me feel small like how Mistress does. Do whatever you have to do to get by.

I manage to summon enough courage to consider it. What does “I think you can do better” mean? Asking myself that question is simply a lie… hoping to convince myself that my interpretation is wrong. She expects me to humiliate myself. I continue to battle with myself as I dump out the box of clothes that Mistress left for me. There’s another couple pairs of pants and some shirts. At the bottom of the box something falls out that doesn’t seem to belong with the rest of them. The shirts are all men’s large. This final piece is a sweater and it’s not for a man. I pick it up and inspect the tag. It’s a women’s XL. Definitely not for Mistress. It’s a chunky turtleneck in neon pink, a color that she never wears. I unfold it before me and a few items topple to the floor. Closer inspection reveals a pair of panties and matching socks.

My hands begin to shake. Did she already anticipate that something like this might happen? That my “needs” would overwhelm me? I pick up the phone and type a message.

“Mistress,

I love you and hope your trip is fun. Say hello to everyone for me. I found some ‘out of place’ items at the bottom of my clothes box. Were those meant for me?

-Love, pet.”

I raise the sweater close to my face. It has been doused with Mistress’s perfume. I bury my face in it and inhale. A strange rush of emotions washes through me. I read into it. This is Mistress’s way of telling me that I should accept my needs if they become a problem. I let out a small sigh. I missed my calling as a politician or a used car salesman. It’s easy to believe what we you want to believe. I speak out loud in the empty room.

“Yes, pet, this is for when you’re so distressed you can’t function and want to go out and humiliate yourself to feel okay.”

I feel like such a douche when I put it that way. I picture Mistress’s smile, the one that shows up when she exposes me to others and then watches my face for my reactions. I am okay when I suffer for her, now I crave to suffer for me? Don’t fight it, just accept it. I put on the panties, socks, and sweater along with a pair of khaki pants. The sweater is definitely cheaper material than the ones Mistress wears, it rubs roughly against my nipples and the tags itch badly. A quick glance in the mirror shows me nipping out rather gloriously. The panties are an interesting feel. It has been years since I’ve been permitted to wear underwear. They are much softer than any underwear I’ve ever owned and they squeeze my buns in an oddly humiliating way.

In the coat closet I choose the shorter of the two jackets. It fits around the chest but it is a little bit short in the waist and arms and has no collar. I zip it up and glance in the mirror. My face burns red. The sweater extends an inch below the jacket and peek out from the ends of the sleeves. The collar of the turtleneck is in plain sight. I picture Mistress giggling at me and my sex strains against the belt.

I picture her reaction as I dig through the box of accessories. I pick up the black hat that I wore last week.

“Oh, pet, you know that black isn’t your color. You know how I feel about ‘wishful thinking,’ try again.”

I put that in the “no” pile and keep sifting. My hands instinctively choose another hat. It’s identical the black one in style, brand, and material… but it’s neon pink. It matches the sweater perfectly. I feel my blood pressure rise as my hands shake a little. I picture her words again.

“Yes, pet. You might have thought that was one of mine, but I bought that one with you in mind. It should go well with your new sweater. Don’t forget to accessorize. I got you the full set.”

When I sorted the box before I remember a matching set. I frown a little bit as I dig it out piece by piece. A pair of mittens with fur at the cuffs. A pair of earmuffs that seemed oddly out of place in Mistress’s wardrobe. A long scarf with fur pom poms on it. It’s so long I have to wrap it around my neck three times. I put them on and look in the mirror. I cringe. I look awful. I picture Mistress again, giggling at the realization of what she is putting me through.

I picture the woman from the bookstore and I feel dizzy as my face burns. I’m going to the bookstore. I’m not going to wear these on the bus. I find a small crush-able tote, something I can cram into my pocket and place the items inside as I take them off. It isn’t quite noon. I’ll stop for lunch along the way. I feel like I’ve been abusing the colonel but I remember passing by a small Japanese restaurant along the way. It looked fairly inexpensive.

I walk slowly to the bus stop. Today is much colder than yesterday. I curse myself for again forgetting to buy a hat and gloves. Mistress’s voice pops into my head.

“Why would you waste my hard-earned money on gloves and a hat when I already got you some very nice ones?”

My stomach churns. Maybe I shouldn’t eat. Thankfully the bus is relatively empty. A few young adults in headphones that look half asleep sprawled in their seats. I exit the bus at the closest stop to the restaurant and walk there. It’s a quaint little dive, the kind of place I used to eat at in college. The menu is small but the photos make my mouth water. I order a hot & spicy chicken with steamed cabbage and gyoza. It always amazes me how fast they can prepare the food. The flavors meld in my mouth. When was the last time I had rice? Lunch leaves me with a tiny food baby. So much more satisfying than my diet of a few saltines and whatever scraps Mistress throws my way. I linger in the entryway out of the cold until the next bus is scheduled to arrive.

As the bus pulls up I feel myself shaking. Nerves. Anticipation. It’s often worse than the experience. I feel a tug at my heart. For some reason I don’t think it will be that way today. I exit the bus and cross the street on the near side of the bookstore. I pause at the alley and check the time. 12:07. My chest heaves with every breath. The turtleneck feels like it’s strangling me. I want to run. Why do I do this to myself. Her voice rings through me like the angel and devil on opposing shoulders in an old cartoon.

“I chose you because you weren’t a coward, pet.”

I remove the items from the bag and put them on. It’s an instant improvement against the cold air. I feel like I’m going to vomit. I crush up the tote bag and shove it in my pocket. I attempt to walk calmly as I enter the store. I feel like I could start on fire. The life fades from my eyes as I approach the register.

“Welcome back, sissy. You’re earlier than I expected.”

I stand silently, quivering, my eyes looking at the floor.

“I’m sure you must have a coat that goes better with your outfit. Tsk tsk.”

I unzip my jacket, exposing the neon pink turtleneck.

“Is it quite enough. Hmm. It’s obvious you put in some effort, but is it enough? If no, I’ll have to take your photo and add you to our ‘wall of shame’ over there.”

She points to a large poster above the counter with the words ‘BANNED FROM PREMISES” stenciled on it. A series of photos fill up the poster. I would guess they were probably caught shoplifting. She speaks again and snaps me back to Earth.

“If you were me, would you accept this? I mean it’s obvious you put in a little effort, but really now, I’m sure you must have a cute skirt or dress that better suits you… and those shoes.”

I picture my maid’s dress and immediately frown.

“So tell me, sissy. Is this the best you could do?” I shake my head.

“No, ma’am. I’m sorry. It’s just that I have to ride the bus and...”

“Did I ask for you to make excuses?”

“No, ma’am. I’m sorry.”

She stands there in silence, eyeing me up and down. I tremble and fidget.

“Place your hands on the counter.”

I step closer and comply with her orders. She responds by placing a pair of cable ties on the counter.

“The choice is yours, sissy. Either I take your picture and ban you from the store or the cable ties.”

My mouth feels dry and I can barely speak.

“The cable ties, please, Ma’am.”

She smirks and turns back the cuffs on the mittens. Moments later she zips them snugly around my wrists before hiding them under the fur as she flips them forward again.

“You must really need this.”

I close my eyes.

“Kirsten. Can you watch register for a few? I have a customer that needs my expertise.”

Another woman appears from the back.

“That’s funny Dawn, you have an expertise? What could you possibly… oh.”

She covers her mouth with her hand and chokes back a laugh with a fake cough.

Dawn takes my by the hand and leads me down the rows of books. We stop under a sign that says “Erotic.”

“I asked around and did a little research and I found a book that would be perfect for you. It’s about a naughty boy with a nasty little masturbation problem who gets corrected by his tutor that has been hired to school him. It’s called ‘The English Governess.’”

The way that she implies this story was personalized for me crushes my spirit and I fall down a shame spiral. I simply nod and keep my head down.

“Am I right that the sissy has problems with self control?”

I nod again and close my eyes. My knees tremble with feelings of defeat. I have to fight myself to keep from crying.

She leads me back to the counter by the hand. Kirsten rings me up. She remains silent but I can tell that she is amused. Thankfully she stays out of it.

“I’m going to take my 15. Is that okay?”

“Already? You’ve only been here for like 20 minutes.”

“Yes.”

“Fine, but don’t blame me in a couple of hours when you start getting cranky.”

Dawn takes my hand again and leads me into the back to the break room. We are the only ones there. I stand, silently. She takes a step back and eyes me up and down. My phone beeps in my pocket.

“Is that your phone?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Check it.”

I extract the phone from my pocket.

“It’s a message.”

“From who?”

“From my Mis… my wife.”

“From your Mistress? Read it out loud.”

“Dear pet,

I know you are probably struggling. Do whatever you need to do to feel okay until I get back. I love you and trust you.

-Mistress.”

She bursts into laughter.

“You really do have a Mistress. Oh shit. I thought you were lying about it. Give me the phone.”

I hesitate. She extends her hand forcefully. I hand it to her. She presses a button and begins to type, reading it out loud as she goes.

“Hello,

I am an employee at a local bookstore. Your slave has betrayed your trust and dishonored your name by repeatedly coming into our store and harassing me in a way that makes me uncomfortable. I really think that he needs to be taught some manners and should be punished harshly. I would like to meet you when you return so that we can discuss recompense for the emotional distress that he has subjected me to. It feels so dirty the way he has used me to act out his sissy humiliation fantasy and he has made me an unwelcome participant in his perverted little game.

-Miss Dawn.”

My heart races with terror. She hands the phone back to me. My hands shake so badly I nearly drop it. I begin to sob.

“Aww, poor sissy. Why are you so sad? What’s she going to do, whip you and lock you in a cage?”

I nod as the tears run down my cheeks.

“Shit, really?”

I continue nodding. She claps her hands together.

“That’s great. I never actually met someone who actually did that stuff for real. You keep coming in midday, what do you do as a job?”

I hesitate a moment.

“I’m a maid.” She claps her hands again.

“A maid? Like at a hotel?”

“Live in.”

“Does she make you wear a pretty little dress?”

I nod again. She howls with laughter.

“I think I would pay to see that.” I her her phone beep.

“It’s been 15 minutes already? My break is over, you’re going to have to leave.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Did I really get you in trouble with that email?”

I nod.

“You said you took the bus, right?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Did you wear that outfit all the way here?”

“No, ma’am. I kept most of it in a bag and put it on near here.”

“I’ll tell your Mistress that I was just playing a joke on one condition. You have to wear that outfit until you get home.”

I cringe and whimper.

“Does the sissy have a bad attitude? I may just have to tell your Mistress that you were twice as bad as I said you were.”

I cover my face with my hands.

“You’ll wear it.”

I nod.

“I’m going to ask her when I see her. I know you wouldn’t lie to her so I expect you to follow my instructions, got it?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Oh, and keep your coat unzipped the whole way too.”

I nod.

She escorts me from the employee area out to the storefront. I exit the store as quickly as I can. I see Dawn and Kirsten gossiping and laughing through the window. My anxiety quickly doubles as I get stuck in my own head. Is it more conspicuous to walk quickly or to walk casually? What should I do if someone approaches me?

I hurry to the bus stop and hide myself as best I can behind a large pole for a street lamp. The bus takes forever to arrive. My hope to go unnoticed vanishes as I fiddle with my wallet attempting to get out my bus pass. The mittens make this no easy task. I block out the whispers and find a seat in the back and hunch forward, hiding myself as best I can. I feel like I’m going to die. My phone beeps again. I take it from my pocket and read it.

“pet,

Expect to have a long talk about this when I return.

-Mistress.”

I let out a quiet whimper, hoping no one hears it over the roar of the engine. I exit at my stop and run back to the house. Inside I toss the book aside and crumple on the floor and cry. I don’t know how long I lie there. Eventually I settle down. I retrieve the phone and type an email.

“Dear Mistress,

I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to worry about me. I’m not okay.

I love you. I miss you.

-pet.”

I hobble to my feet and discard my clothes as I walk through the entryway. Eventually I’m wearing nothing except for the panties and my chastity belt. I pick up the book and hump my way up the stairs and into the bedroom. I collapse on the bearskin rug and begin to read. I want to feel anything except acknowledging my own existence.

I immediately immerse myself within the fiction. Even though the protagonist is wantonly abused I can’t help but feel a bit envious that he had someone that cared about him at that stage in his life. I read the entire book in a single sitting. I finish it with a warmer feeling inside. I don’t know if I liked it or not, I can merely say that it spoke to me on some level. I wonder if Mistress would want to read it.

My stomach growls loudly and I twist my body in discomfort. I haven’t really moved for hours. I stretch before getting up to put on some clothes. I don’t feel like cooking so I make due with an apple, a granola bar, and some carrots. The food tastes like nothing. I don’t even feel like eating, it just seems like I should. After dinner I find the phone and type a message.

“Mistress,

I’m a mess inside. I don’t know what to do. I love you.

-pet”

I’m tired. So very tired. Tonight I sleep on the floor. Maybe it will be better in the morning.

END ACT