Friday, January 6, 2012

A Sissy Stigma

I came up with the idea for this drawing several weeks ago but I didn't have a model that really "fit."  I was a bit reluctant to draw it because I was worried it might offend some, but when I bounced the idea of another sissy they thought it was "clever and insightful." 

I've written a lot before about being a sissy carrying certain stigmas based upon stereotypes and I tried to picture one of them here.

This was my first attempt at drawing body hair, facial hair, and a mirror, so I'm aware I'm lacking in those departments.

Requested Drawing

I received a request for a new drawing a few days ago from a Mistress.  All I was given to go on was that it should include cruelty, chastity, pain, ignorance, and despair, and she "trusted my creativity" to be able to come up with something.

I know it's a bit unrealistic... as a sub who would misbehave on that basic of a level would probably have never passed his trial period with a Domme of that cruelty... although when I come up with something like this, I kind of feel like I'm a twisted fuck :P

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Why do I blog?

I had a few reasons for starting this blog:

1.  The unstable environment of my relationship played a part as I had to search elsewhere to explore my D/s related feelings.  I had often done this via forums, but most of the forums I used to browse either went defunct or became so narrow in their focus that they became unpleasant.

2.  I am someone that needs to communicate my feelings in order to make sense of them.  In my vanilla life I am someone that "talks things out" and am able to figure them out through dialoguing with others and getting feedback.  When it comes to this part of my life, it's not something I have anyone I can talk to about it so I decided to write for therapeutic reasons.  If you have read a lot of my blog, you'll know that sometimes I would just ask a question or explore a feeling or idea and try to dissect it from various points of view until it made sense to me.  In turn, blog comments provided feedback to which I could further clarify my thoughts.

I had a lot of things to get off my chest and try to make sense of about myself.  It took me years to accept myself as a submissive and many more years to come to terms with the darker/stranger aspects of my submission.  There are still some other parts that I'm not comfortable accepting about myself.

3.  I had hoped for some interaction with others of a similar mindset that I could relate to. I am a natural teacher and I try to impart whatever wisdom I can onto those looking to tread a similar path so that they can avoid the pitfalls that I have had to work through or overcome. 

Looking back now, I have succeeded at some of those aspects but failed with others:

R1.  I think I have been able to channel my D/s feelings through this blog.  I still carry hopes that my own relationship will heal and continue to grow.  I am still terrified that it's dead in the water.  This has been a better outlet for me than pretty much all other internet outlets I have come across.  For this I will say it has been a success.

R2.  This has worked in many ways.  A lot of my thoughts and feelings have been sorted through.  Some emotional healing has been done.  Some emotional healing still needs to be done.  Writing has been cathartic and therapeutic, painful, and sometimes fun.

R3.  This is a bit more of a mixed bag.  Being consistent with my experiences on the internet, most subs have ignored me for some reason or another.  I have met a couple of subs since I started drawing that have shared similar fetish feelings but most aren't interested in covering other D/s topics.  I'm not sure why, but both on forums and in the blog world I seem to mainly interact with Dommes or D/s couples. I take this as a very large compliment but at the same time it screws me up a bit. 

My bi-products of blogging:

-I started drawing and had a place to post my drawings for people to see them.  If not for this blog I probably wouldn't have kept on drawing.
-Internet addiction.  Pounding out 12 long posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy.

What I feel blogging has become to me:

A. An escape.  It has become far too easy for me to drift into fantasy-land in my mind rather than focus on my life and the people in it.  It doesn't have to be "all or nothing", but it has gotten out of control.  12 posts or 8 drawings in 3 days isn't healthy, it is my attempt at avoiding reality in favor of a fantasy or hypothetical mindset. 

B. My primary source of interaction.  I have started craving interaction.  I have started to crave praise.  Once this happens it is a sign of full blown internet addiction.  In this state, praise means the world and criticism or disappointing others brings that world crashing down.  It may have started as an escape but then I would find myself drawing or writing more and more, hoping that someone would say something.  It brings out the worst in myself and is a clear indicator that my depression has set in without me realizing it.

A couple of months ago I was calling friends regularly, we were going out a lot, we were having lots of fun (even if it wasn't D/s).  Since both Mistress and my own moods have taken a shit due to winter/holidays, neither of us are really trying to do anything.  It's time to change that.


It's time for a break.  I will continue to draw and post the drawings here.  I may still write up a quickie post now and then.  I will probably check in on other blogs every so often and drop a comment here and there.  I do have to stop spending more time than is healthy on here.  I have to find a better state of mind (and life) where blogging doesn't have the potential to upset me or ruin my mood. 

I will still respond to any comments that roll in or emails/chat requests but I am taking a step back from the blog for the time being.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Discontinued D/s Product - Her Delight

Several years ago, the company that developed the CB-X000 line of chastity devices, came out with a dildo-type add-on that worked with the existing CB cock rings (it was compatible with the 2000, 3000, and the Curve).  The product was known as "Her Delight" and it was basically a fairly large dildo that fit over your penis and was held in place by the ring and some posts.  The device could be attached in two different ways:  with a locking pin that would insert through the top at the base or it could be locked in in the same style as the cage portion of the CB line.  The top pin was to keep a padlock from hurting the woman.

I pre-ordered this product when it was in its development phase and received one from the first shipment of 1,000.  I remember reading about "issues" people had with them and I believe there was a second production run that improved a few of the cosmetic molding defects of the first batch.  There were plans to redesign the shape (and making it smaller), but I believe it ended up being scrapped and this item has not been available for several years.

I remember buying it on a whim and it turned me on quite a bit when I thought of it.  I wasn't sure why exactly, but it probably has to do with humiliation and the inherent male insecurity that seems to plague every man with a cock is smaller than 8 inches.  I remember when we got it that Mistress was like "I'm sure I won't like it, I only like real dicks inside of me, and besides, I don't like them that big."  Finally we found a time to use it.

I'm not sure how deep-vagina'd the people that were having issues with the lock scraping the woman, but I don't think she ever got within an inch of where the lock would be and with most of her thrusts when she rode it, I felt G-spot impact against her vaginal wall before she was even two inches from the base. 

I always try to pay very close attention to the woman while having sex.  I check her breathing patterns, watch for sudden inhalation/exhalation when I hit certain spots, monitor where the air is being pushed from when she moans (head/throat/chest/diaphragm), and try to keep track of her internal muscle spasms so I know when to back off and when to go in hard and fast.  Her Delight made this even easier since I didn't have to try and keep from cumming... I just had to direct its aim and meet her thrusts with mine. 

What I noticed when we used Her Delight... is that she was moaning from deeper than ever before.  Her orgasms were intense and much more frequent.  Her eyes looked through me instead of at me... as she was completely in the zone and it was like I wasn't even there.  It took roughly 45 minutes before she collapsed in exhaustion (this would usually take 1.5-3 hours with normal sex) and she was panting and sweating with a huge grin on her face... she was absolutely glowing. She lay there cooing for about 15 minutes before unlocking my wrist restraints.  She just said "let's take a shower."

In the shower we made out and I could tell she was still turned on but completely satiated while she started to twist my nipples and ordered me to jerk off.  After I came we kissed and hugged and her eyes were tearing up a bit.  I asked her if she enjoyed it but she didn't answer.  I told her it was okay to tell me and it turned me on to see her orgasm that hard.  She then told me she hadn't said anything because she didn't want to hurt my feelings and that started an odd cycle of giving feedback while trying to be as nice as possible:
"Honestly... I loved it.  I still prefer the intimacy of real sex though.  I don't think I've cum that hard before, but I still prefer the feel of a real penis."

I replied with, "it's better when it's really big, isn't it?"  She just nodded and looked sad, like she had hurt me.  Almost immediately I had another throbbing hard on even though I had just came several minutes ago.  I whispered in her ear, "it's okay, I loved seeing you orgasm that hard, it makes me happy.  And besides... it turns me on to hear that."  I went down on her and we were in the shower a long time.  It's true that it wasn't flesh and blood, but it was still very intimate.

Sadly, we only used Her Delight once more and haven't touched it since.

I still haven't quite figured out the exact subspace trigger here but I think it was a combination of things:
-I was basically reduced to the role of a dildo stand.
-The feelings of shame and inadequacy being out shined by the intensity of her orgasms but then looping back on itself since she orgasmed harder when it wasn't really me.
-The emasculation by her attempts to avoid saying she liked it better even though I knew that was true.

Who knows?  It's kind of strange that it was discontinued because women complained it was too big in both length and girth but this also happened to be why it worked well for us and why it remains such a vivid memory to me.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Chastity Device Reviews

I've been writing a lot about chastity lately but I realize I haven't done any writing upon actual chastity devices.

I have used four types of chastity over the years:  A Houdini knock-off, a CB-2000, a CB-3000, and a CB-6000. 

None of these have proven to be very successful for long-term use for me, but here goes some info.  If you want better in-depth reviews you are best off searching sites for chastity enthusiasts.

A quick note is that there are two kinds of penises:
-Type 1 Penis:  A penis that is nearly the same size (or only slightly larger) when erect vs. when flaccid.  For these types of penises an erection mostly makes the penis stand upright but the size increase is rarely more than 1.5x.
-Type 2 Penis: A penis that is much larger when erect vs. when flaccid.  People with these types of penises are usually below average (small) when flaccid but then have a 2-4x size increase when erect.

The Houdini.  These are basically one handcuff and a with a metal penis tube welded on it.  The handcuff fits around the cock and balls, securing it in place and the tube prevents your dick from getting hard.

Price:  $100-300

Comfort:  C
These things are heavy.  I mean, heavy for something that is going to be carried by your genitals.  The handcuff proves an interesting challenge.  Go too loose and you can slip out.  Go too tight and you can cut off circulation.  If you aren't careful, you might pinch your scrotum in the hinge.  These are probably best used with a collar and a chain connecting to the cuff to help alleviate the weight burden.

Security: B
Not on par with a full metal waist belt or piercing required tube but this isn't something that could be easily cut off.

Sanitary:  B
You can't wash the part of your penis that's inside the tube without a great deal of effort but when you pee, your penis sticks out a little beyond the end of the tube so this is fairly easy.  Depending upon the tube curvature you may need to sit while urinating.

Durability: A
It's steel.  With semi-regular maintenance it should last a long time.

Not ideal for long-term wear since it can't pass a metal detector.  Shaved pubes recommended to avoid catching them in the latch.  This can be a pain to get on if you are battling an erection.

The CB-2000.  The CB-2000 was pretty much the first low-cost chastity device (under $200) and was even featured a little blurb on the Daily Show in the 90's.  It's pretty much made of plastic with a cock ring that links to a cage. 

Cost:  $100-150

Comfort: B+
The edges are rounded and smooth.  There's not a lot of pinch risk except occasionally the padlock can grab some skin if you are attempting an erection and skin goes through the bars of the cock cage.  The biggest problem with the 2000 is getting the right fit.  The plastic pins that link the ring to the cage point towards you.  This basically means when you put it on when brand new it's going to be uncomfortable as hell since the skin above your junk is getting gouged.  You have to trim and file the pins to the appropriate length but it's hard to know what length since experimenting with the various cock ring sizes and spacers will all lead to the same gouge problem.

Security: C
This doesn't come anywhere near a belt design or one of Mistress Lori's chastity tubes but it is simple and effective.  You could cut your way out rather easily.  Where this device fails is in cases of extremely tight or extremely loose scrotum.  A tight scrotum may actually pull a testicle back through the rings and is very painful but also gets you free.  With a loose scrotum the wearer to pull forward then down and they can actually get their penis all the way out and be able to put it back in undetected.  The points of intrigue and other add-ons were developed to prevent this.

Sanitary: C+
It is relatively easy to clean yourself with the use of swabs and you dry quickly but depending upon the size of your penis when flaccid and erect and whether or not you are circumcised, urination can be tricky to get your aim down.

Durability: C+
It's plastic but seemed to hold up better than the 3000/Curve/6000.

Once you get it sized right it is fairly comfortable but it can be tricky to get both testicles and your cock through the solid ring.   One of the upsides is that the penis can still be teased through the bars.  This will work with both shaved and hairy genitals (although with a lot of hair you will probably lose 1-2 pubes each time you put it on).  The 2000's parts work interchangeably with the 3000 and the Curve.

Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.

The CB-2000 is best suited for people with penises that are average to small when flaccid.  This model has now been discontinued but if you can still find one, it's probably on clearance for under $100.

The CB-3000.  The 3000 (and its immediate predecessor the Curve) fixed a lot of issues with the 2000 but created some new issues.  It works interchangeably with the parts for the 2000 but the cage and rings have been changed a bit.

Price $150-170

Comfort: C+
The 3000 is easier to put on than the 2000 since the rings are hinged and it reduces the struggle with getting your junk through.  The downside is that the back of the cage (that presses against the skin on the scrotum and crotch area) is not rounded, so it has much larger chafe potential.  Lube/lotion recommended.   The cage portion is now mostly closed off and shaped a bit more ergonomically like a penis.  You have almost no access to contact with the penis with this cage.  That being said, if your junk isn't sitting right when you lock it on, it won't be able to adjust itself unless you have lubed the inside of the tube.  The 3000 still had the same fitting issues as the 2000 since you had to trim the pins.

Security: C+
It's still plastic, but it was slightly more difficult for someone with a loose scrotum to pull out and go back in than the 2000.  There were additional after-market accessories sold to increase security.  The tight scrotum testicle pull through is significantly more painful with a 3000 than the 2000 and to eliminate that you are faced with the option of reducing the spacer size and chafing more or running the risk of it happening with a more comfortable fit.

Sanitary: C-
More difficult to clean than the 2000.  Drying is a lot harder as well and I remember reading people used a hair dryer.  If you have a type 2 penis or are uncircumcised and you have been alternating between attempting erections and flaccid, you may find it difficult to urinate without ending up with pee all over the end of your dick. 

Durability: C-
I'm sure the rivets on the cock rings will eventually fail but the main problem was having the cage split down the sonic weld line.  This didn't happen all that often but it was reported enough to note it.

One of the big negatives of this design is that the air vents are located on top and on the bottom of the cage.  If you have a large type 1 penis there was a chance that the skin on the top of your penis might get pinched by the lock.  The CB-3000 includes the identical base parts to the Curve but has a different cage portion (and it is compatible with the CB-2000 as well).  The Curve was released first but that was meant for people that were 4" or longer when flaccid.  The 3000 was released as a follow up and is a better fit to those who are 2-3" in length when flaccid.

Pubic shaving/trimming is recommended as pubic hairs can get pinched in the ring when you close it in addition to the same minor pinch potential from the locking post.

Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.

The CB-6000.  The CB-6000 is pretty much an upgrade to the 3000. 

Price: $150-200.

Comfort: B-
Fitting is much easier with the CB-6000 since the pins now point AWAY from the body.  Putting it on is a bit trickier in some ways but easier in the others.  The downside is that you really need to be shaved to put it on.  The way the the plates sandwich together will pinch and tear out long pubic hairs.  The cock rings are now rectangular on the edges which increases scrotum chafing but reduced tight scrotum testicular pull through.  The cage portion has the same chafe potential as the 3000 but due to the redesigned ring a longer spacer can usually be used.  The 6000 suffers from the same "junk adjustment" issues as the 3000.

Security: C++
It's not enough of a bump over the 3000 to give it a B-.  The new cock ring shape makes it SLIGHTLY harder to pull out and they have designed after-market accessories to make this more difficult.

Sanitary: C-
Identical to the 3000 in its cleaning/sanitation issues.

Durability: C
Similar reports of cage splitting as with the 3000 but it seems to be less frequent (although the 6000 hasn't been in production for as long as the 3000 has).

The air vents have been moved to the sides to prevent the lock pinch.  The locking post is now oblong instead of round so the lock cannot rotate which reduces noise and prevents the lock being able to do undesirable things.  Pubic shaving is a must.  The 6000 is not compatible with previous versions, but there is a newer version of the cage, the 6000s which is shorter and a better fit for type 2 penises it should reduce the lubing and urine issues. 

Individually serial numbered single use plastic locks are included for passing metal detectors.

I doubt anyone really wants to know about my cock but since these reviews included a lot of special case scenarios I should probably mention a little bit.  I have a VERY tight scrotum, a type 2 penis, and I'm not circumcised. 

If I had to choose between all of these... it would be between the 2000 and the 6000.  The 2000 is comfortable except that Mistress doesn't want me to have "old man balls," and extensive use will cause significant stretching of my scrotum.  The testicular pull through I mentioned has happened several times, was never intentional and was horribly painful, and I'm not able to get an erection for almost a day after it happens. 

We have a 6000s cage on the way and I may give some follow-up review depending upon how that goes. 

I will note that I've had some pretty bad/good torment over the years with chastity (even though it hasn't been extensive use).  I have some rabbit fur handcuff covers that one Mistress put on the Houdini cuff.  One Mistress got some rabbit fur hair scrunchies and then would loop them on like a cock ring behind the balls while the CB's were on. 

More chastity randomness

So tonight I decided while Mistress is gone at work I would wear a CB while posting and drawing.  It's been about four hours now and I feel completely agitated and I just want to tear it off and/or scream.  If I wasn't able to remove it whenever I want to I'd probably be whimpering by now.  I'm not really sure if this means I'm well-suited for chastity or ill-suited for chastity?

I can't help but think this is a miserable experience but at the same time I kind of like the misery. 

It did get me thinking a bit though.  Just how pathetic are men that the need for an orgasm can become such a driving force that they'll do anything and everything to get a temporary release for an orgasm?  You squirt once and then the lock goes back on to repeat the process.  It seems almost natural to take advantage of that. 

I can only try to imagine what it would be like to be a dominant key-holder.  Unless the person is pretty much a stranger that you don't care about, I honestly think this would be somewhat of a double-edged sword.  The upside is that you could correct pretty much any behavior with the threat (or reality) of extending the chastity period.  Whimpering and begging?  That's cute.  Whimpering and begging to the point of annoying?  Add a week.  Make a mistake or forget something?  Add a week.  Break a rule?  Add a week. 

The downside is that if you want to be consistent and strict but still want to have sex with the locked up penis, it's a hard balance to find.  I guess a potential solution would be to still have sex but not allow him to cum.  This will put his self-control to the test and it might not be as fulfilling as you'd want it to be.  Another option would be to use desensitizing lotion on it and two or three condoms to try to boost his endurance but that is a lot of work to go through just to hope for decent sexual performance.

There-in lies the problem.  To use chastity as a domination tool a Domme runs the risk of depriving herself some pleasure.  This leads me to believe that chastity is better suited simply to assist in subspace and self-control, for fixed durations, or in cases where the sub won't ever be released (except for possibly cleaning).  Attempting to fluctuate the release date as a carrot probably isn't the best choice overall unless you aren't sexually involved with the one locked in chastity or don't mind only getting "other" forms of sexual interaction. 

New Year