Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Thinking about "no"

I think part of why I tend to view D/s so differently than those who came in through the BDSM community ranks is that I'm not a big fan of being able to say no.  This stems heavily from a belief in meta-consent but also how my subspace responds in power exchange.

If a Domme orders you to do something and you can simply decline if it's something you don't like doing, this just doesn't sit right with me.  I tend to view from the standpoint of options:
1.  You say yes.
2a.  You say no but end up doing it anyway after some "encouragement."
2b.  You say no and end up doing something much worse than saying yes.

If Pavlovian conditioning exists, it doesn't take long for the sub to understand that "yes" is really the only good option.

That to me is the essence of power exchange.  It doesn't seem like D/s if you are only told to do things that you enjoy.  It doesn't seem like D/s if you can easily escape doing something you do not enjoy.  I view power as the ability to make someone do something they do not want to do.  By giving up power via power exchange you have given a Domme the right to make you do whatever she wants you to do (within reasonable boundaries).

I think this is why my subspace responds so strongly to being forced to do some things.  It thrives when "no" isn't a good option and makes the best of the situation.

Don't get me wrong, I think honesty and open communication are part of a healthy relationship, but when she has complete information and still chooses to wield this power it is very erotic.  

Pondering "what if?"

Last night I started thinking about the path that my life has followed through D/s and it got me wondering whether or not it would have progressed in a similar way if my early Femdom experiences had been less intense and/or of a shorter duration.

I have known enough Femdom couples to where I think that my beliefs on the progressive escalation of D/s intensity over time are probably true.  I also know that there are tendencies for one or both parties to hit plateaus that may provide plenty of happiness for long periods of time.

I guess I'm just curious if it would have delayed my desires for ultra-high intensity or if it would have played out nearly the same.  I know it's impossible to tell for sure but that doesn't mean I can't dabble in the hypotheticals.

Yahoo ping box go buh bye

I just caught that yahoo is discontinuing their ping box as of 12/14/12 and we're supposed to delete it before you can't delete it anymore or something.

I will miss being able to chat with people even if it is anonymous.

If you have any questions for me you can reach me through comments or my email address in my profile.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Redefining myself

It's hard to describe just what a difference I have felt emotionally since writing my post on the deep submissive.  It has completely changed the way I view myself and has made sense of much of the chaos that has cluttered my psyche for the past several years.

If you have read a decent number of my blog entries you'll find that I've never really been comfortable with being a sissy or being turned on by humiliation, etc.  By developing the idea of the deep submissive, everything really makes sense now.  Lady Grey was kind enough to provide the term "phantom fetish effect" for this and I think it describes it well.  The phantom fetish effect is basically when a sub gets turned on by the environment, symbolism, or atmosphere of an activity rather than by the activity itself.  An easy example is a sub that is not a masochist that gets turned on by being spanked not because of the pain but due to the intimacy, vulnerability, power exchange, and so on.

I finally feel like my sexual connection to forced feminization makes sense.  It is sort of like my "submissive uniform" and the more humiliating it is, the greater my sense of surrender, the deeper the subspace, and the stronger the arousal as it feeds the submissive loop.

I do feel a small sense of loss though, it seems by understanding it, some of the sting and stigma have faded from my psyche.  It's probably healthier this way but the sense of vulnerability that someone "knows my secret" is a bit less frightening now that I have rationalized it.  Basically, I think I was scared to call myself a sissy and I feel I have found the answer explaining that I am really not.  I have never aspired to be a woman, I don't have a feminine side, I find the idea of forced bi repulsing, and it just doesn't appeal to me beyond its psychological effects.

On the flip side, my sexual connection to it has not gone away, I just feel less burdened now that I understand it and can explain it.  That being said, I'm sure I could still be teased about it and feel shame, but the turmoil is gone.

If I had to call myself something now, it would probably be a deep submissive.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Nature, Nurture, and submission

There is often the debate in D/s about nature vs. nurture.  Are people born submissive or dominant, or does their environment make them that way?

I tend to be a believer that it is a little of both.  I think a person's personality has a somewhat natural disposition but the environment they develop in has a lot to do with what they eventually become.  Basically, their natural disposition affects how they react to and learn from the situations they face in their life.  Sink or swim, fight or flight, the natural instinct is there but we do not always follow our instinct and we can learn to act contrarily to it.

The submissive male is an interesting case.  I believe that most males develop in an environment that is motivated more by shame than by praise.  "Don't be a pussy," "Tough it out," etc.  We are taught we need to validate ourselves as part of the peer group in order to thrive and the fear of being seen as lesser can be strong enough to make many men behave outside of their nature.

I think this leads most men to form a divide between their public and private personas.  Our public side blends in.  It can run with the pack, succeed in our activities (work, sport, etc.), and provides a shield from potential attacks from other males.  I also believe our public persona is the birth of our fears of inadequacy, failure, and rejection.

Our private side can be seen as the "true you," but I think it extends beyond our nature.  While it may be who we are when we are outside of the influence of peers, it will also reflect our ability to cope with the fears caused by experiences as our public self.

When you see a guy acting crass and making sexist remarks when he's with the guys but then being incredibly tender and sweet with his girlfriend in a more intimate setting, this is a pretty stereotypical example of the two selves he has created.

Submission in general is strongly rooted in our private persona.  I think submissive men have a great deal of variance between them since some have a natural disposition towards submission while others can still learn to be submissive (even if it is not their choice).  Splitting them up I can see a couple of distinct paths:
1.  The "natural" submissive.
2.  The "abused" submissive.
3.  The "escapist" submissive.

The natural submissive trends towards submission.  Life may often be difficult for them since they are faced early on with the choice to be preyed upon by others or to create a public persona that disguises their true nature.  They naturally follow the stronger's lead but may struggle to assert themselves when choice is handed to them.

The abused submissive has been taught to be submissive.  They often have a very strong public persona to cover up the emotional damage buried beneath it.  Their private persona is forced to deal with crippled self-esteem and self-confidence as a result of long-term abuse.  These types look for validation and approval through submission.

The escapist submissive is generally a naturally disposed dominant.  Their public persona is strong but years of dealing with the fears created by that persona create a need for escape from it.  This may often relate to feelings towards their mother and how she could make them feel safe and protected from the big and nasty world.  They submit to take a break from their every day responsibilities their public persona has created for them.

Are any one of these more likely to be a certain type of submissive than the others?  I think the answer is probably yes but it's impossible to say for sure without having details of a specific case.

If I had to guess, I would wager that natural submissives are more likely to thrive in service-oriented roles and as bottoms sexually.  They probably pose the greatest "doormat" risk if they are lacking in the personality department.  In relationships they will thrive the best with an alpha female and he will do very well in a supporting role.

I believe that abused submissives are the most likely to deeply love their Dominant since they provide them with validation.  They are capable of most submissive roles but also pose a doormat risk since they can usually "roll with" abuse since they are accustomed to it.  These subs may be difficult in relationships since they often carry mounds of baggage but they can also be some of the most loving and affectionate types if they feel safe and cared for.

I think that escapist submissives are more likely to be bottoms in play and some sex.  I do think they are capable of lifestyle submission if their public persona is so stressful that they wish to "shut it off" any time they are not in public (but this is more likely an exception than the rule).  These types are most likely to have relationships that appear to be mostly vanilla from the outset and he is the most likely to be able to provide a fun night on the town.

Again, these are just guesses but they seem reasonable to me.  Any comments/feedback are welcome.

Monday, November 26, 2012

The subspace of the deep submissive

A lot of things have become clear in my mind since I wrote my entry on the deep submissive.  Actually, a lot of rather confusing feelings and responses now appear to make sense in how they are linked together into a system.  This system that I plan to explore in this entry is the subspace of the deep submissive.

As I described in the earlier entry, deep submissives are often misunderstood since their subspace is difficult to understand.  In most cases it's viewed simply that an erection = he enjoys it and flaccid = he doesn't enjoy it.  The psyche of the deep submissive while immersed in subspace is rather complicated, as his physical enjoyment (PE), emotional fulfillment (EF), and sexual response (SR) can be detached from one another and may or may not react together depending upon the D/s environment.

When a deep submissive experiences true pleasure it means his physical enjoyment, emotional fulfillment, and sexual response are connected.  Basically, this happens when it feels good, he feels good about it, and it turns him on.  An easy example of this is when he has pleased his Mistress and she allows him to have sex with her.

What makes the subspace of the deep submissive more complicated is when those things do not coincide.  This is mainly caused by the depth of the deep submissive's subspace.  When a deep submissive is immersed in a deep subspace, his world undergoes a fundamental change.  He undergoes major shifts in morality, ethics, and priority structure in his mind and these have a major effect on his EF component.

Here is a very brief and incomplete list of the rules governing a deep submissive's subspace to illustrate the idea:
The world is perfect when she gets everything she wants.
Everything that pleases her is right, everything that displeases her is wrong.
The submissive is valuable when he pleases her and worthless when he displeases her.
Pleasure is a gift granted by the Mistress.
Punishment is always justified.

The deep submissive will shift to a system of logic that reinforces the rules of his subspace.  This may sometimes give the appearance of doormat behavior, but in actuality it is his submissive pride dictating an almost impossibly high standard of service (his EF): he received the honor of being chosen by her so his service must be perfect at all times to prove he was the worthy choice.  Living under these rules brings a high level of shame and guilt upon any failure, and a failure is any time he wasn't perfect or she wasn't perfectly pleased by him.  This is also why a deep submissive is able to thrive under extremely strict rules since they give him a level of conduct to aspire for and he feels proud when he exceeds her expectations of him.

A deep submissive can accept and adapt to any new rule as long as it makes sense within his new logic base.  If she thinks his service suffers for a couple of days after an orgasm and she decides he should no longer have orgasms because of that, he may be disappointed but he will find a way to believe that is the correct course of action and is plenty fair since it will ensure he can better serve her.  If she physically punishes him for even the smallest of infractions, he will believe he deserved it and willingly accept it, sometimes welcoming it since it will improve his future performance (e.g. One spanking is more effective than ten lectures) and ease his guilt over failing to serve perfectly.  The sub's logic in this state can justify nearly anything that she wants to do.  If she chooses to beat him out of the blue, he can accept if it is to "remind him of his place," "to keep him focused," or "prevent future transgressions."

Oddly enough, this method of coping can often ruin true pleasure since his PE and SR are met, but his EF may disconnect if he doesn't feel like he deserves it.  Similarly, he may display masochistic behaviors during a punishment since his EF and SR drive his subspace when he feels like he deserves punishment even though he experiences zero (or negative) PE.

Dealing with this type of sub can be difficult for some Dommes since they sometimes do not understand the depth that his subspace reaches and how his mind works during those times.  Often the crueler and less tolerant she is, the better he will feel.  This is because he feels good about performing with a superb attention to detail and he knows that when he pleases her, she values having such a competent sub.  It will even make him love her more since he is thankful that she is willing to bring out the best in him, even if that involves pushing him to his absolute limits.  If it seems like he wishes to be denied pleasure, that is not really the case, he just only wishes to receive pleasure when he feels like he has earned it and deserves it.

Relationships of this nature may appear abusive to the outside world, but in most of the cases, the sub is sublimely happy and wouldn't trade his lifestyle for the world.  This also doesn't mean he is a doormat, since if she wants to enjoy his company, he will be that, if she wants to have vanilla  fun, he will be that.  What it does mean is that he can be whatever she wants him to be at any given time. 

Friday, November 23, 2012

Dominance as a Meta-Fetish

Author’s note:  This will probably be my last serious entry for a while.  I realized today that I had hit the mania phase of my depression cycle and that has driven a few of my recent blog posts.  During these times I have a tendency to overstate some things and make an ass of myself.  The downside is that once I leave mania I tend to sink into a pretty deep downswing.  I think I was able to “catch it” in time and channel it in my last post on “deep submission,” hopefully steering me clear of the worst of it.  I am feeling fine now but I have taken the internal note that I should write when I feel like writing and not grasp at straws trying to write simply to express the mess going on inside.
End note.

I had a rather striking breakthrough realization today.  It is probably the most important step in understanding the nature of my submission since I entered the lifestyle.  It answered about twenty thousand questions that had been lingering within me and my outlook is a lot clearer now.

The concept that has granted me solace is Dominance as a meta-fetish.  That is, while a varying number of activities are able to act as subspace triggers and cause sexual arousal, it is not the activity itself but the symbolism of those activities that are of greatest importance to me. 

Failing to truly grasp this caused a lot of confusion over the years because I was never quite certain what was going on at the essence of my submission.  It also explains why such a wide variety of activities appeal to me on some level.  I have often said, “I hate it, but I love what it does to me.”  I feel like it should have been clear then but it seems that I just didn’t see how the pieces fit into the puzzle until now.

If a sub has a fetish for Dominance, what I mean is that their peak response is to the symbolism of power exchange.  They will respond to activities that (A) increase the power of the Domme, and (B) make the sub more vulnerable.

This is an interesting fetish since it seems to cover both giving and receiving types of activities.  The sub may appear as if they have a fetish for service-oriented submission but their actual response is to status inequality and fear of punishment.  They may appear as if they have a bondage fetish but the inner draw is her control over him and his helplessness before her.  They may appear as if they have a fetish for forced feminization when the inner draw is that she has the power to make him dress how she wants him to and his status requires him to comply no matter how unpleasant it might be. 

I’m sure on some levels someone might read this and feel, “well duh, this is common sense.”  There’s been many cases where I described these reasons for specific fetishes, but I have yet to really hear from anyone who is drawn to pretty much all activities that fit the A + B archetype.  Like, you’ll find bondage enthusiasts that do not respond to any more intense activities.  You will find sissies that respond to cross-dressing when it isn’t forced.  You will find subs that respond to many “receiving” activities (such as play) but respond to very few “giving” activities (such as service). 

This is why I find this unique in a way.  You will find many that respond to some activities, but very few that will respond to pretty much all activities. 

I think the other separating point for subs with a fetish for dominance is that the greater the symbolism of power exchange in an event, the stronger the submissive response.  I believe this is why some subs will crave cruel treatment yet still wish to be loved by their Mistress.  The greater the cruelty the, greater the display of A and B, the deeper the sub falls into subspace, and the more he loves his Mistress. 

If you believe in my theory of D/s escalation (that repetition gets ordinary which requires new, more intense activities to trigger the same feelings) it makes complete sense why subs seem rather insane at the intensity they crave. 

This brings me pretty much full-circle back to the reason I started blogging in the first place.  I am not so much a sissy, I just crave the display of power exchange of being forced to wear a humiliating uniform while serving my Mistress because it amuses her. 

The Deep submissive

There exists a submissive type that is a bit different than most.  I call them the "deep submissive."  These types of subs are usually easy to spot but are easily misinterpreted and misunderstood.

The deep submissive is an interesting one because they display characteristics of several different submissive types but seemingly all at the same time.  They often display the yearnings of a service submissive, the devotion and selflessness of a slave type, but still have the sexual desires of a fetishist.  The difficulty in understanding them is that they may display some of the characteristics of a different submissive type but they are usually fundamentally different in their motives and often don't share any other traits with that type.

At the core of the deep submissive is the intense need to please and obey the woman he submits to.  To say that he would do anything for her probably isn't too large of an exaggeration.  However, he is not a doormat.  He has a strong sense of self and lots of creative energy, he just focuses himself intently on her needs.  He is also willing to change himself if it will make her happier.  He has the ability to adapt and will act independently when it is appropriate or submit to strict rules and guidelines when that is appropriate.  Basically, he doesn't need to be told what to do but if he is told, he obeys to the T.

His fetish is for actions and symbols that display power inequalities and his devotion to his Domme.  It is highly likely that simply wearing her collar will arouse him since it is both a proud symbol of ownership by his Mistress, but also a symbol that he is below her and exists to please her.  He responds well to rituals and actions that make him feel connected to his Domme and these too will probably arouse him.  There are a few activities where he may respond with arousal in a way that gives him the appearance of having a fetish for the activity, when his arousal really comes from the display of power by the Domme over him.  These may include but are not limited to:  CFNM, forced feminization, chastity, restraints, corporal punishment, pegging, and protocol restrictions.

In many cases the line becomes so blurry that a deep submissive won't even know why he is responding sexually to the activity.  He may mistake the activity as the fetish rather than his response to the symbolism of the activity.  What is so interesting is that this deeper connection can make him respond sexually to a very large number of activities, even ones he finds unpleasant or strongly dislikes.

Deep submissives tend to love their Mistresses with a very intense passion and these types of subs are usually married to their Dommes.  They are kind of a Swiss Army Knife of the submissive world.  They understand the roles they must fill in her life and can adapt at any time.  They are a friend, lover, confidante, servant, plaything, sex slave, and whipping boy all in one.  They can easily converse with their Dommes on topics of shared interest, they have a sense of humor, they want to share rewarding life experiences with her.  They will respond to her beck and call with gusto, submit as her source of amusement, pleasure her sexually, and are willing to suffer for her.

It is sometimes difficult for a Domme to understand what makes a deep submissive tick (for the same reasons deep submissives may struggle to understand).  They key is always to look at the symbolic nature of the activities and there's a very good chance that the stronger the display of power, the more connected the sub will feel and the more he will become aroused.  Another interesting result is that the farther a Domme pushes a deep submissive's limits, the stronger his love and devotion to her will grow.

Deep submissives are complete people but may appear incomplete or desperate if they are single.  It is easy for them to become depressed or agitated when single because they have so much love to give that they feel lost when there is no one there to receive it.

Why more women should practice lifestyle D/s

I’m always curious why there aren’t more women that practice lifestyle D/s. I think there’re a number of reasons for why they don’t, ranging from upbringing/posturing on gender roles, negative preconceptions on the lifestyle/kink, beliefs on balance and equality, etc. I have given a lot of relationship advice over the years and something that has really become clear to me is that a defined power structure within a relationship makes things run more smoothly and has the potential to bring about greater happiness for both individuals, kinky or not.

The case against a 50/50 power balance

The idea that each member of a relationship should have equal say in the direction of the relationship doesn’t really work unless the both of you are able to naturally agree upon everything all the time. If you disagree even in the slightest, one person will end up compromising to the other person’s wishes. This becomes a battle of stubbornness vs. “it’s not worth fighting about so I’ll just give in.” If one person is more stubborn and the other person is more harmonious, the balance has already shifted to at least 51/49 in favor of the stubborn individual. The illusion of balance comes from the idea that each person will be stubborn on some things and harmonious on other things. E.g. As a stereotypical example, the woman cares more about the living room furniture, the man cares more about the size of the living room TV. He compromises on the couches, she compromises on the TV. When it comes to bigger things, the balance becomes more precarious since you aren’t able to “alternate” who gets their way. Someone gets promoted at work but it involves a transfer to a different state, do you say their career is more important and move or should they get a different job and stay put?

I’m not going to generalize and say that all women are better decision-makers than men or vice versa. Instead I ask the question: if you were entering into a relationship and before-hand you decided that one person was going to have final say on all decisions, would you rather be the person with power or the person without it?

Do keep in mind, “final say” doesn’t mean “ignore the other person,” it just means that when you have both made your cases for what you think is best, the one with final say will ultimately make the decision. This would apply on any decisions you wanted it to, whether big or small: where to eat, which car to buy, what movie you want to see, or what kind of sex you are having.

I think most women would answer that they would prefer to be the one with final say. The possible hang-up is that they might believe that it isn’t right. What if upon entering the relationship, the man was fully agreeable and supportive of unequal power and the woman having the final say? If that is what he wants, and if given a choice, that is the choice she would make, I don’t see a problem with it. Also, she can always choose to cater to his desires, but she doesn’t have to.

This arrangement can lead to a situation that is relatively free from arguing and she never has to compromise unless she wants to. In my opinion, its harmony makes this a very desirable outcome.

The Benefits of Inequality

Anyone that has dated has probably noticed that relationships are exciting, romantic, hot, and steamy during the courting phase but as the relationship goes on, it becomes a bit more mundane. The man she thought was Superman starts showing he’s a little bit more like Clark Kent than he had originally advertised. He no longer feels the need to impress her and win her over so he falls back into old habits and patterns. This is around the time she learns about his inner slob, inner sloth, and the man behind the mask. If she is lucky, he’s still a great guy and his negative qualities are minor and few in number. If she is unlucky, she gets to feel what it’s like to have been his mother when he was a teenager.

Improving him
Who you are is most important in the eyes of the one you love. What if it would make her happier and she would love you more if you were just a teeny bit better/different in a few ways? If you truly love her, isn’t it worth it to her to make small changes to make her happier? I think most men would answer yes to both questions but there’s often some ingrained resistance that has been programmed into us. “Be your own man,” “never change for someone else,” and so on. So a different haircut or wearing a different shirt or learning to put the toilet seat down can become symbolic and leave a man open to shame from his peer group.

What if it was already established upon entering into the relationship that he would willingly change if she wanted him to and he would follow that up with a strong effort?

A submissive is a lot like clay. She can shape him, mold him, and change him into the form that pleases her the most. He accepts this upon entering into the relationship and it’s part of the natural process of D/s.

Freedom from the mundane
Most vanilla marriages and live-in relationships have an imbalance in household duties. This is rooted in long-standing posturing about the gender roles. While more and more men are developing domestic skill sets, I would estimate that in the average household, the chore details probably have about an 80/20 split with the woman taking on the majority. The man may “do the heavy lifting” with mowing, shoveling snow, and fixing the sink when it clogs while the woman takes care of most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, dry cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. While the man may contribute in some capacity, she generally cares more about the state of the house than he does and where he stops, she keeps going. I know these are stereotypes, but there’s a lot of situations where this situation holds true, especially if children are involved.

What if she could do as much as she wanted to and trust that the man would take care of the rest? She would have time to pursue her hobbies and interests or relax after a stressful day and enjoy life without being bogged down by necessary but unpleasant tasks. With a submissive she could pass on all of those duties to him, but there’s a good chance she would still do at least a little as it’s impossible to enjoy each other’s company if he’s occupied all day fulfilling those duties.

To a man with a deeply submissive mindset, a woman stuck doing mundane tasks because they “need to get done” and missing out on leisure time is a travesty and he is willing to perform those tasks in her place. These men do exist and this could be agreed upon before entering the relationship.

Exactly how she wants it
Women often have a type of sex or sexual activity they enjoy a lot. In some cases, the man they are with doesn’t enjoy it. When these preferences fail to overlap, she often compromises what she likes most for the sake of “mutual pleasure.” In other cases, she may have to “fudge the truth” in order to protect his ego, wishes to maintain harmony, “trade” sexual favors, or hold out for special occasions (Valentine’s day, Birthday, Anniversary, etc.).

What if she didn’t have to worry about any of that and could have exactly what she wanted, whenever she wanted it, and for however long she wanted it? This is also something that would be agreed upon before entering the relationship. If she wants two hours of body worship and foreplay before sex, so be it. If she wants a marathon cunnilingus session, so be it. With a submissive, it’s just assumed she will always get what she wants (assuming it is negotiated before entering into the relationship).

Clean Slate
This is the first benefit that really falls outside the realm of vanilla relationships. Women punish men. This pretty much happens in every relationship and it has been happening for a very, very, very long time. Aristophanes wrote the comic play, Lysistrata, in 411 BC where the women of Athens and the Women of Sparta refuse to have sex with their husbands until they bring an end to the Peloponnesian War. I take this as proof that the “doghouse” and “cold shoulder” are as old as antiquity. In vanilla relationships these can occur until the woman stops feeling angry/hurt. This can sometimes take quite a while and it makes life miserable for both parties.

D/s speeds this process up quite a bit. Direct punishment can take multiple forms: physical (corporal), sexual (denial/chastity), emotional (scolding/corner time/behavior restrictions), or sacrificial (extra chores/grounding). While the act itself might feel unpleasant for the woman, it is a great way to purge the anger inside her in a very quick and direct way. For the sub, he is freed from guilt for his transgressions upon completing the punishment.

Basically, it wipes the slate clean and allows for the relationship to return to harmony at a much faster pace and with less repeat infractions. Again, this is something agreed upon before entering the relationship.

Final call
I think I pretty much covered this in the 50/50 section, but I’ll say it again because it’s important. She can choose to have the final say over any decision in the relationship.

Overall, the benefits of D/s are pretty strong. The idea of a man that is willing to change for the better, willing to pitch in more than his share of household duties, pleasure her exactly how she wants it, willing to be punished when he upsets her, and give her the final say on decisions is probably a fairly appealing prospect for the woman who enjoys being pampered and feeling like a Queen.

The Cons

It’s not all perfect hearts and flowers all the time. There are set backs and issues that often prevent women from living out this lifestyle. Here are a few of the common ones and how to view them to overcome them.

It’s hard to find a good sub
Finding a good man is a challenging task. Finding a good sub is also a challenging task. It may take several misses before you finally hit, but one thing is true: It’s easier to find a good sub than a good man. This might seem counter-intuitive since submissive men are a smaller group than vanilla men, but the ratio of women seeking submissive men to submissive men seeking dominant women makes the D/s hunt much more favorable to the woman vs. vanilla dating. It’s supply and demand. When you vanilla date, the ratio of men to women is on average somewhere between 1:1 and 3:1. When you court in D/s, the ratio of men to women is on average somewhere between 30:1 and 2,000:1. Basically, you can make a sub jump through as many hoops as you want him to in order to prove he is worthy. In vanilla dating if you try to put a man through the same scenario, he’ll most likely walk because “there’s other fish in the sea.”

He loves the kink more than he loves me
This is usually the biggest stumbling block when a submissive man tries to introduce a vanilla woman to D/s. Most subs are only submissive when certain criteria are met. This might be something small, like a collar, or could be something larger, like a leather-clad Dominatrix wielding a whip. Some are more realistic than others. Some are more appealing to women than others. Regardless of what the sub’s particular kink is, his love and devotion for the woman willing to explore the kink with him will dwarf anything else.

It gets a bit complicated and to adequately explain this requires some in depth analysis of the submissive psyche, but I will just say that subs sometimes need something present in order to bring out the best in them. “Their best” is the man I described in the benefits section. This is how subs are wired a bit different from most men. If you think about their kink as a key and their submissive nature as being locked away, the kink unlocks their submissive nature and allows them to shine.

They didn’t choose to be this way. Many times they don’t want to be this way. It is just how they are and it’s a part of them. If the kink aspect makes a woman hesitate, the key for the woman is to find a man with “acceptable” kinks and this is a regular part of the courting process.

Does this make me a deviant?
There’s so many people in the world that are drawn to kink and BDSM-related themes that it’s hardly something out of the ordinary. Most people are very private about their sex lives, so you may know several people that engage in these activities and not even know it. If you exercise the same privacy, from the outside it will merely appear as if the man is pussy whipped.

Besides, no matter what fetishes she may have, there’s a very good chance that the man will always be more deviant, so by relativity, the woman is still quite normal.

Subs are too needy
There’re a lot of subs out there that focus selfishly on their own sexual needs. So many of them are this way that it often skews perceptions to a negative stereotype. With every sub there is a portion of them that enjoys activities that involve giving and activities that enjoy receiving. This varies greatly from sub to sub. The majority enjoy receiving more than giving. There are many that enjoy giving more than receiving. There are many that enjoy both giving and receiving relatively equally. Finding the right sub can be hard but it is possible. If you want to find a sub that focuses on giving they tend to really stand out in how they present themselves. There are also ways to twist their desire to receive into motivation to give.

In any case, compatibility is a factor just as it is in vanilla dating.

I don’t like kink
I’m not sure if I really have a direct answer to this one but I have found there is a direct relationship between self-confidence/self-esteem and dominant potential. Even if it doesn’t turn her on to have a direct fetish, such as spanking, I don’t know any women that don’t enjoy body worship, being pampered, and other things of that nature. In this way there may be some compromise on her part: to embrace/accept some kink in order to have the man they want or to avoid kink and accept a man with flaws that can’t be corrected. Sometimes understanding the value of kink can make it more appealing.


While it’s not without its faults, D/s just has a lot of advantages over vanilla relationships. I believe more women would be happy if they were willing to confront the cons and we were willing to see how far they can go when they have a man that makes them feel like the most important person in the world. Confidence goes a long way and often women find some latent dominance deep within themselves that had been buried under years of living in a world that finds it profitable to keep a woman’s self-esteem as low as possible.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Ethics vs. Choices

Throughout the internet you'll find many discussions on "appropriate" levels of BDSM intensity.  There are numerous inclusions of what constitutes consent vs. just pleasure, what is okay to do in reality vs. play fantasy, and the like.  The views are often shaped by the background experiences of the individual (especially those who have been active in a formal BDSM community), but it seems regardless of a person's experience level, there are many who will share their opinions whether their bias is based on experience, logic, ethics, or fantasy.  The greatest levels of D/s intensity generally come under the greatest scrutiny.

The world history of oppressed and oppressors, the slave trade, etc. give ample firepower to those who wish to condemn or speak out against relationships with a high degree of power exchange.  Is this really a fair comparison?  I believe when people cannot picture themselves enjoying a certain lifestyle there is a tendency to condemn it.  The great and over-riding difference between power exchange and history is consent.  The power differential is not based upon wealth, skin color, religion, religious decree, race, gender, class, caste, or birth.  A Domme doesn't come into existence like a Queen or Tsarina, she isn't born into an existing oppressive power structure with the ability to abuse power merely through title and standing.  Her power structure is created when another agrees to fall below her in the heirarchy of the world they create together.  This is a might difference.

A sub isn't dragged into his situation kicking and screaming.  While he may kick and scream for different reasons later, at some point he made a choice.  While I would like to say he enters "with his eyes wide open," in many cases it's with his eyes half open (yes, this is a reference to men who squint when they masturbate).  I have often been told that a Domme that arouses a sub in manipulate him sexually and make him agree with something he doesn't really want is doing something wrong or unethical.  A case can be made for both views on a personal level but I tend to feel if he "can't help himself," he is still responsible for his choices.  A frat boy pillow talking a girl with low self esteem into bed with sweet sweet lies is considered responsible for his actions.  A sexual predator seeking the object of his desires and acting out his twisted fantasies is also considered responsible, even if he did it because he "couldn't help himself."

I find it to be an odd double-standard when men follow their penises and some are seen as helpless victims and others as rational beings pulled along by sexual desire.

I also find it odd when people view a Queen abusing her servant in the same light as a couple who choose to live like a Queen and servant.  The notions of power by birth and power by consent are indeed very different subjects.

On a side note, I feel that woman's ability to sexually manipulate a man into certain choices isn't an abuse of power.  If men were meant to be able to resist feminine charms, our intelligence wouldn't cut in half when we get an erection.

Taking submissive Inventory

About once a year I tend to go over my thoughts on submission. It can clear things up in my head and it's interesting to compare from year to year how my thoughts change and how many things stay the same. It usually stays relatively static but the importance of each thing will shuffle around. Here goes this year's.

The most important factor in being a good submissive follows the same principles of being a good lover: make her happiness your greatest priority and things will generally turn out well. If your actions and impulses reflect this principle you are in good shape.

This does not mean to become a boring sycophant that just goes along with anything and everything. Be someone worthy of being her life partner.

On a personal level be someone that stimulates her intellectually and emotionally. Be interesting conversation, have a sense of humor, and be able to share things with her that are something unique that only you can offer. Have a personality but do not argue with her.

On an external level be someone she is proud to be with. Be polite, respectful, courteous, and chivalrous . Pay attention and know her body language and visual cues. Be mindful of your surroundings. Be the man that other women will wish they had.

On an emotional level be someone that makes her feel special. Be attentive and a good listener. Be affectionate and open with compliments. Do not let your stubborn masculinity and self-consciousness get in the way of a phrase, act, or gesture that may bring her joy. "I didn't say it because it sounds cheesy," is a weaker man's excuse. She is your Queen. Make her believe she is a Queen.

On a physical level be mindful of your appearance. This does not mean to be vain or shallow. It does mean that there are certain things that she holds a preference for and be mindful of these preferences. If she likes it when you are clean shaven with well kempt hair and nails and dressed in a manner that she finds attractive, this is how you should present yourself to her. Staying in shape and eating right are a plus for the both of you. "I wish you would [insert action here]," should not be in her vocabulary. You should know and have already done that for her.

On a submissive level remain focused on what pleases her. Conduct yourself in the manner she deems most fitting of your position. If she is happy, horny, confident, and proud that you are her submissive, there's a very good chance you will get the kind of activities you also enjoy without having to ask for them.

She is the special one. A submissive exists to make her feel that special all the time.

(After writing this I realized I completely skipped over any sort of romance/romantic gestures.  I guess I have failed there). 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

The Comfort of Humiliation

A lot of subs enjoy the fantasy of humiliation.  Some subs enjoy actually being humiliated.  I was doing some thinking on humiliation today and found a few of my thoughts on it had become a little clearer.  I have written before about how humiliation can be either enjoyable or devastating depending upon the environment.  This is working from the perspective of a controlled environment (where there is no potential “life ruining” danger of humiliation, nor risk of serious physical harm). 

I think that in many cases, humiliation can be very comforting. 

It’s easy for men, especially submissive men, to carry insecurities and fears that they have buried deep within themselves since a relatively young age.  These can include a wide range of subject matter ranging from physical build, success, kinks and fetishes, etc.  These types of deep fears tend to be fairly deeply rooted in our psyche and no matter what anyone tells us, we seem to still fear the worst: that every insecurity-based worry we have is true.

Therein lies the comfort of humiliation.  Think your penis is small?  It is, but she doesn’t reject you for it.  Think your kink or fetish makes you a freak?  It does, but she doesn’t reject you for it.  With one act, all of your fears and doubts about yourself are completely justified and true.  We believe it, know that it is true, and are grateful that she keeps us around even though she feels that way too. 

I think that’s why humiliation is such a common fantasy.  All-too-often our fears are deepest because we believe they have the potential to “make-or-break” a relationship (or potential relationship).  In this scenario she doesn’t reject us, but actually pays more attention to us for that reason. 

It might seem more emotionally healthy to try to encourage a man so that he doesn’t have these fears but in most cases, it is burned so deeply into his psyche that saying otherwise won’t seem honest since we are firmly convinced of the opposite.  “It’s huge!” or “It’s perfectly normal to have desires like that” just won’t sound like the truth.  If it isn’t used to humiliate, then an underhanded compliment at least feels more honest.  “It’s big enough” or “I like you the way you are,” does enough to make us feel safe and it will still feel like the truth.  They also keep the door open wide enough to be humiliated for those reasons at a later date. 

In any case, knowing she keeps us around even though we are inadequate is a very comforting feeling. 

Dream is almost a reality

If you have read my blog for a long time you may have seen some of my dream bondage device posts, which are basically fantasy bondage devices that have shown up in my twisted dreams when I sleep.

A while ago I made a post on using In ear monitors for sensory deprivation.  Basically, wireless earplugs/headphones that could be used so that the Mistress could control what you would hear, whether it was a microphone of her voice pumped directly into your ear, white noise, a hypnotic mantra, music, etc.  In my dream these monitors were held in place by a pair of earmuffs (that had a locking chin strap).

This year a few designers have made this at least a half-reality by cutting out the middleman and putting the speakers directly into the earmuffs.  Almost there... now they just need them to block out almost 100% external sound, be wireless, and incredibly difficult to remove if secured.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Love, Abuse, and D/s

I'm screwed up and I know it.  I think I've gotten used to it as I don't even feel self-conscious about being screwed anymore.  I know I've written entries like this before but it is cathartic for me to write in this way so that I can better understand myself.

A good number of individuals involved in lifestyle D/s often have a history of emotional and/or physical abuse that dates back to when we were young.  This is not always the case by any means but it is frequently the case.  I think in a lot of ways, abuse during our formative years can help propel someone towards D/s in the future but it can be towards both submissive or dominant.

In my own case I was raised in an environment where I had to earn love.  It wasn't given unconditionally.  It was given when I excelled at something, whether it be academics, sports, music, etc.  When I failed or stepped out of line I was beaten down physically and emotionally.  This is how I learned to live and how I viewed myself: I was worthy when I was the best and worthless if I was not.

While highly motivating, it's also a bit screwed up and it has led to some difficulties with self-image and self-esteem.  When I succeed I crave praise and approval but feel like I don't really deserve it if/when I receive it.  When I fail I crash hard and it's difficult for me to cope with failure.  This is reflected in my life as a submissive.  I try hard because I want to be accepted but I never really build self-esteem.  When I fail I feel like I should be punished.

It's odd but that plays perfectly towards a strict D/s lifestyle.  Success is to be expected and failure will not be tolerated.  I seem to cope better with this kind of tough love than love given unconditionally.  My non-D/s relationship experience has shown that unconditional love often leaves so it's like I expect to have to earn love and have made peace with that.  I'm not sure if that is healthy but under those circumstances my emotions and thoughts tend to make more sense.

I have known a few Dommes that were spawned in similar environments.  They were strong enough to say "fuck you" to the factors keeping them down and create situations where they were in control.  This control grants them their power and it makes sense to me as an outsider looking in.  I know they don't always feel dominant all the time and there are occasions where outside factors can shake up their feelings of control but as a whole I respect the way they chose to overcome their past.

Politics, Tolerance, and Sexuality

I really try to avoid politics at all costs.  Political events have a long history of making me depressed about things I have no control over.  They have led to fights that I have lost friends over.  Basically, it’s something I tend to avoid at all costs.

The only time I tend to really get vocal is when politics begins to infringe upon and attempt to define “proper” sexuality.  Kink is a large enough part of my life and identity that I tend to feel strongly about certain subjects.  I am not a LGBT rights activist.  I am pro tolerance.   

Just recently in my state there was an attempt to pass some very anti-gay legislature and it barely got shot down.  I had no direct interest in this as I am not gay nor I do not have any gay friends (although I have had them in the past).  I do tend to get a bit upset when the hate machine starts rolling on topics like these.  When power starts telling us what is “proper,” “appropriate,” and “decent,” there’s always some fear in my mind since you never really know how far they will go. 

When “traditional” values start being brought up it becomes clear:  I am a sexual deviant.  Anyone that considers them-selves to be submissive, dominant, switch, etc. would also be slapped with this label.  I consider my submission to be part of my sexuality.  It’s not something I asked for, nor wanted, but it’s something I have accepted about myself.  There was a time when homosexuality was viewed as being sexually deviant (and it still is by many) and most homosexuals I have known over the years have described their inner feelings as similar: they didn’t ask for it, didn’t want it, but they have accepted it.

History has shown that once the hate machine gets rolling, anyone different better watch out.  Anyone with D/s or BDSM type interests should be especially wary.

Not every state attempts things like mine.  Some did just the opposite.  That gives me hope.  Deep inside me I have a naïve fantasy that D/s will at some time be openly accepted as a sexual identity and possibly even recognized by law. It’s a long shot but you never know what will happen in the future.  A lot of it depends on which direction the ball starts rolling now. 

Monday, November 5, 2012

Missing Everyone

I never realized just how much I needed to interact with people here until recently.

It seems a whole lot of people I used to exchange comments with have gone inactive and I'm really missing it. 

A new definition of subspace

I've written a lot about subspace and have often been asked to describe it.  I tend to view it as a state of mind rather than as the result of physical play as it is often portrayed (usually by writings that assume every submissive is a masochist).
In my past analysis of subspace I often viewed it as a priority shift from an inward stance (what I want) to an outward stance (what can I do for her?) in a sub's mental state that is often tied to psychological and sexual triggers.  While this may describe what I end up feeling as I progress into deeper stages of subspace, it tends to skip a few of the earlier stages.
Tonight I was thinking about how to describe it in a way that covers all stages.  What seemed to make sense to me is that in any stage, subspace is a (progressive) state of wanting more but being willing to accept less.  
In its shallowest states, a sub may crave sexual contact and fetish presence but rather than simply jerking off themselves, they relinquish control of those factors over to the Domme.  Basically, they get horny and have an increased desire for kink and sexual attention but accept a less immediate form of gratification.
This seems to hold true for most stages of subspace as well as most fetish activities.  E.g. A sub in chastity and deep subspace may dearly want to cum but instead accepts teasing and the idea of "maybe next time."  This in turn deepens their subspace and makes them crave the orgasm even more, which is what makes the disappointment of further denial so exhilarating.  A sub in an extremely deep state (bordering on slave level state) may deeply crave attention, love, praise, etc. but may simply accept not being punished as a reward for good service.  
As states deepen, the number and strength of desires may grow while the sub is willing to accept progressively less of their immediate desires.  Note:  By immediate desires I am referring to desires in the moment and not desires we rationalize while outside of subspace.
I may think about this definition a bit more.  Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Drawing: Last Orgasm

I'm not super happy with how this one turned out (it never looked quite right) but I figured I may as well post it anyway.

Drawing: Outed

Kind of a cliché fantasy, but it's the first drawing I've finished in quite a while.  Now that I think about it, it is one of the few drawings where the dressing is implied to be voluntary rather than forced.  I found a great smirking facial expression browsing winter catalogs and had to turn it into something and this is what it became.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Yahoo Pingbox

For some reason my yahoo messenger stopped allowing people to message me from my pingbox here on the blog.  I downloaded an alternate client that is now working with it, although it doesn't display the nickname you customize so it will show up as something generic like "guest7832343" if I receive a message from you.

I know I don't get tons of messages through there, but at least now I know why that had gone to zero.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Transformation... Or not...

Sorry if I've written something similar to this in the past... things have been so vanilla lately on the home front that it's tough to write about new topics when there aren't any new experiences.

Male to female transformation is a common theme amongst forced fem fetishists.  The idea of taking a man and turning him into a sexy womanly figure as either a slave or slut can be hot, but it doesn't really do it for me.  I'm not really sure why not, but I'm definitely wired differently in that regards.  It might be because I'm a female supremacist at heart and a lowly male creature shouldn't be able to pass as a woman.  It might be that the thought of becoming a woman's lesbian lover ranks us as equals and that doesn't sit right for me.

Overall, that idea just doesn't do anything for my subspace.

What does cater to my subspace that can be captured in this example dialogue:
sub: "why are you turning me into a woman?"
Domme:  "Oh, don't worry, just because you're wearing women's clothes, NO ONE will believe that you are actually a woman."

Humiliation comes from being stuck in between states.  Stripped of your masculinity but with none of the sexual allure, grace, or feminine charms of a woman.  Flat chest.  Boy hair.  Crotch bulge.  No hips.  Caked on whore's make-up with a 5 o'clock shadow.  Muscular build.  Clothes that don't fit right.

I think my first Mistress got it just right when she dressed me up, laughed at me, and bluntly stated, "no self-respecting woman would be caught dead wearing that." She was right, I'm not a woman and a humiliated sissy has no self-respect.  To sum it up, for transformation to bring on deep subspace, I have to hate what I have become... face burning bright red with shame and on the verge of tears.

Dream Bondage Device: Bondage Muff

Some comments on my earlier fur 2012 post really got my head spinning and brought back some memories of a dream I had a long time ago... Which leads me to doing my first dream bondage device in a while.

I may have mentioned this briefly during my humiliation boutique drawings from last year but here it is again.

It's a fox fur bondage muff.  It is attached to a heavy leather belt that runs through the inside of the muff and the belt secures it at waist height with a locking buckle at the back.  This keeps the hands secured at a fixed height and it also prevents the sissy from rubbing his lil clitty with the fur, as some sissies would be prone to doing that if left to their own accord.  There are one or more leather straps on the inside that both reinforce the muff's strength and provide D-Rings to serve as locking points.

In its basic use a pair of unlocked handcuffs can be threaded through the ring.  Upon closing the cuffs, they become too large to pass through the ring again, securing the sissy's hands inside the muff.   If a longer chain is threaded through the ring and locked to wrist cuffs, it is possible to allow the sissy to use one hand at a time, but removing one hand pulls the other hand farther into the muff.

Another option is to not lock the sissy's hands inside but to run a string of jingle bells attached to the ring.  As long as they hold the bells, their hands will mute the jingle.  If they remove their hands for any reason the bells will ring with the slightest movement and draw some potentially unwanted attention.  This situation is especially useful if the sissy has to purchase something and pays for it himself.

-A chain that connects the muff to the sissy's collar to further limit movement or belt slippage.
-A hidden pocket on the outside of the muff where the lock keys can be stored safely yet still out of reach.
-Metal cuffs sewn into the muff's ends so that squeezing the ends lock their hands inside.

Fur 2012 Part 2

As more winter 2012 items keep rolling out I'm feeling very polarized.  There's a lot of fur this year (more than last year and the year before) but I'm not really digging a lot of it.  The feelings are a lot less classy and a lot more patchwork.  I will say there's a good number of items that have me feeling indifferent as well as it's tough to get excited about a shapeless puffy parka with a small strip of fox on the hood.  Part of this might be that this year's crop of anorexic models really don't offer much in the breast, hip, or ass department to actually give some shape and curves.

It's love it, hate it, or meh.

I found a few more things that I really enjoy from an overall look and attitude standpoint (not all have fur).

I never really enjoyed tibetan lamb much until this.

I really like this look... Very 1920's-30's retro.

I have a couple more "hall of shame" winners.  The earmuffs are the most atrocious color scheme I've seen this year.  I just don't get the hats, though.  I'm sure they're functionally warm but I don't see a woman under the age of 65-70 wearing one of those and the colors are too neutral to be humiliatingly sissy.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Fur 2012

The fall clothing has started showing up on department store websites.  Early browsing says this will be a good year (although it felt that way last year and ended up being rather weak). 

My favorites so far:

I love this coat. It's hot, shapely, and can both conceal and reveal.

My first impulse on this was mixed.  It has a bit of a huntress/warrior vibe though and I really enjoy the middle picture of it.

I love the collar.  The sweater is its vehicle.

This is a pretty classic look. I love the waist taper to show off the hourglass shape even if it doesn't exaggerate the cleavage. 

I like this as well. I usually hate skinny leg pants, but the jacket has just enough flare at the hips to make that work.

This is nice but I think only certain body types could pull it off.

Sissiest item of the year goes to:

The hall of shame award... goes to something that looks like it came out of a backwoods taxidermist but about $1500 more expensive:

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Identity Crisis

I've been browsing some newer blogs lately that were written by or linked to readers of mine and I feel like my blog has a bit of an identity crisis (although this is not a new sentiment and I have written about it before).

In some ways it seems like I have two primary types of posts.  Some posts are from my inner submissive that think about aspects of submission that I like (or dislike) and what about them makes me (or others) tick.  Then I have posts from my inner fetishist.  These include posts or drawings that involve some form of submission or humiliation but likely end up being something closer to masturbation fodder for other fetishists.  My readers tend to be looking for one or the other, but rarely both.

I sometimes wonder if I had been better off with two separate blogs from separate pen names. When I think about it, I think that keeping them together probably gives a better representation of who I am... I am a submissive with a fetish and I am a fetishist with a brain.

I don't know... I guess I just had a rough night last night which has led me to cast doubt upon myself once again.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Drawing: Nipple boy

I think this may be the last drawing I do using illustrator.  I feel like I've reached a point that I'll never pass if I don't try a program that will be easier to do shading and lighting effects.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

A Sad Day

Mistress and I just received word today from a local D/s couple we know that the submissive husband passed away earlier this week.  This is a couple we actually met through the blog community here and I was deeply saddened to hear this news.  Our thoughts go out to the Domme.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

An Essay on Submission

I think that the root of submission goes beyond a sexual need or a preference.  The shared kink/sexual desires between a couple are what makes D/s consensual, but by itself, the kink can lend itself simply to the realm of being a top or a bottom.  Something else is required to reach a “submissive mindset.”  That is, something special is required for someone to be prepared for lifestyle submission.

First and foremost, I believe the greatest quality that caters to a submissive nature is the ability to love someone more than we love ourselves.  Sometimes we have to take a minute to think about the magnitude of what this means.  To love someone more than we love our selves… Can we picture a life “worth living” without her?  Can we imagine being happy without her?  When we embrace her with the entirety of our hearts… the thought of losing her… having that “piece” of our hearts ripped out and away… is unbearable.  If you have felt this loss, it is as if the best parts of you have left and only a shell of a person remains. 

It is scary to love her this much.  Life is not permanent.  Nothing is permanent.  The future cannot be predicted.  While this knowledge is scary, it’s also exactly why it is worth loving her that much.  Because life is not permanent and the future cannot be predicted, throwing our selves “all in” seems like the best way to get the most out of our life and our love.  This means appreciating the moment, appreciating the little things, and loving her like today is our last day together on Earth, and living a life without regret that we didn’t do “enough” to make the most out of our time with her.

This requires tremendous courage.  If you have embraced this mindset you are not timid and weak, but incredibly brave and strong.  This is an area where few dare to tread.  If you can feel this way then your heart is capable of submitting with the entirety of your being.

Lifestyle submission requires something else that many may see as another “leap of faith.”  To submit as a lifestyle requires us to trust her more than we trust ourselves.  This is a tall order, but if you grew up with a decent parent(s), it’s something you have probably done at some time in your life.  If you learned to share, eat your vegetables, keep yourself clean and groomed, keep your living areas (passably) tidy, and be a responsible with your job, bills, and living situation, there’s a very good chance you trusted a parent (or parental figure) as they knew what was best for you.  You may not have liked doing what you had to do when you did it, but you now know how to live because of it.  They saved you from being a child forever.

In lifestyle D/s we trust her to make many decisions that are in our best interests, even if it is unpleasant at the time.  She makes rules regarding our behavior and conduct and we trust that they are in our best interest.  Just as strangers offering candy appeal to the base natures of a child, the temptation to masturbate when horny and unsupervised appeals to our base natures as an adult.  Those base natures may lead us to violate her trust and make an act meaningless that could have been something shared and special.  Often we fall victim to what we want in our primal, animalistic state that is not what we really want as a rational being.  We must trust that she has the best interests of the relationship in mind and that she can protect us from ourselves.

Above all, the most important reason to empower her with that much trust is that it keeps her happy and present in our world so that we may share our love with her.  Following this path may not be the most pleasant road.  There will be hardships, struggles, and pain as she corrects our wrongs and molds us into her ideal companion.  We must embrace this about her.  This is a very generous undertaking that places a lot of responsibility upon her.  We must love her for this. We must trust that she will make our lives more rewarding, exciting, and meaningful than if we were left to our own devices.

It takes a lot of courage and strength to make these choices but this is what submission means to me. 

Friday, March 23, 2012

The shit hit the fan today

It looks like things may have finally met their end and I will likely be single again in the very near future.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Checking In

I'm still alive... but still feeling pretty shitty.  It seems like every time I get close to turning things around some things flare up on the home front that knock me back down. 

The weather just made a pleasant turn... hoping to be feeling like my normal self again soon.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

BDSM Theory - What Makes a Domme Tick?

This is my first post in a while.  

I have explored hundreds of different aspects of submission. When I get to know a Domme I can usually anticipate some of her views and reactions to different subjects, but that’s only on a basic level. Being that I’m not dominant and I’m male, trying to understand a Domme requires a lot of extrapolation but I want to give it a try on a level beyond just the “advantages” of having a sub. This is sort of a response to my "Submissive Loop" blog entry from a while back.

My apologies if I go round about in this analysis… this is undiscovered territory for me and I’m not sure just how I’ll get to a conclusion or if I can.

I think the first thing to note is the difference in arousal between women and men. I’ve often heard it phrased that men are like a light switch: you can turn him on or off. Women are more like boiling a pot of water: they have to heat up before they reach a boil. I pretty much take this as a given.

Arousal in women tends to be more emotionally and environmentally driven than it is in men. I’ve thought a lot about the difference in subspace for male subs and femsubs and read a lot on the subject. The consensus is generally that men reach arousal and subspace simultaneously if a subspace trigger is applied. Women differ in that they need to first enter subspace and then they get aroused. Basically, an environment ripe with triggers is necessary to get them turned on. I have a feeling there is a similar process involving Domspace in that she probably has to feel dominant before she can get really turned on by it.

The closest I can relate to Domspace comes from my athletics background. I was pretty good at several sports and I know the huge rush that occurs when you drill a quarterback so hard he blows snot into his facemask or when you’re up to bat and the pitcher may as well put the ball on a tee for you. It’s a feeling of supreme control… and power… your thoughts are along the lines of “I own you, you’re my bitch.” I have a feeling that Domspace probably has a similar type of rush to it (but I could be wrong).

This leads me to believe that Domspace and its sexual connection probably happen in a similar manner for Dommes. A Domme has her Domspace triggers that bring about feelings of (or the desire for) power and control. As these triggers are applied and the environment continues to promote her Domspace, her dominant feelings will build until there is a link between her feelings of dominance and her arousal.

I believe many of these Domspace triggers can be found in ritual: a sub prostrating himself at her feet to greet her, placing a collar around the sub’s neck, inspecting his body to see he is properly groomed or dressed, teasing him and watching his cock rise, and so on. I can see many of these as providing “fuel for the fire” so to speak. These provide symbolism of power and control. They may also serve double purpose by initiating or continuing a sub’s descent into subspace.

When that link has been established, I believe her turn ons get a bit more personal. To put it bluntly, she has certain things that get her (more) wet. These are the things that she focuses on while masturbating or receiving sexual pleasure and are probably quite unique from woman to woman. These are her ideal fantasies.

Here I come to my first great hurdle. Are Domspace triggers separate from turn ons or are they one and the same? Do they start separately but then become almost the same thing once she reaches her “boiling point?”
My best guess is that before she is very aroused, Domspace triggers serve more as a “mood builder” than a turn on, but after reaching a high state of arousal, they act as more of a turn on while still increasing the heights of Domspace.

To make this more clear, I will list a couple of examples and separate them into their components.
To a Domme that enjoys chastity:
-A whimpering and denied boy desperate for release acts as a Domspace trigger in regards to her being the one in control of his release, while the begging and desperation acts as a turn on.
-Closing the lock on a device acts as a Domspace trigger in regards in terms of the power aspect and a turn on at the boy’s reaction and suffering.
-Teasing a locked sub probably acts as more of a turn on than trigger.

To a Domme that enjoys spanking:
-Having a sub tied up helpless in front of her acts as a Domspace trigger knowing that he is suffering for her and a turn on knowing that he is helpless.
-A sub’s cries of pain act as more of a turn on. Making him thank her for each hit acts as more of a Domspace trigger.
-Feeling like she is “correcting” his behavior is a Domspace trigger. Hitting him is the turn on.

When I think about this and try to empathize with these scenarios, I would have to continue along my earlier train of thought: before she reaches high arousal, Domspace triggers are most important. Once she reaches high arousal, Domspace triggers and turn ons feel almost the same.

There is another wildcard that should definitely be mentioned but I can’t relate to at all, but women don’t “crash” after a single orgasm. I am extremely curious as to the effects of an orgasm on this, e.g. does it heighten the intensity of both Domspace and arousal? Is there a point where so many orgasms have taken place that it eventually causes a crash? I do know for certain that women do reach a point of exhaustion, does that signify the crash point?

That is a fascinating topic in its own right.

Here is a simple summary that I have come to as a hypothesis:
-A Domme experiences Domspace triggers and gradually increases her feelings of dominance. Erotic rituals contribute heavily to this process.
-When her dominant feelings build to a sufficient degree within a positive environment, her Domspace will form a link between her dominant feelings and arousal.
-The dominant feelings continue to build until her arousal reaches a “boiling point.”
-When that point has been reached, Domspace triggers will contribute mainly to her arousal and turn ons will have a significant effect on her arousal.
-Pre-exhaustion orgasms will continue to heighten Domspace and increase arousal.

I wonder if this is correct at all in the slightest. Any feedback is welcome. I’m sorry this was such a mess, this really was new ground for me to try and tread in.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Who would be intrested in [blank]?

One of the most difficult things for veteran submissives is having to re-enter the "dating scene."  We are no longer a fresh ball of clay waiting to be shaped. We have been shaped and reshaped, and a few parts of us have become so defined that they're almost stuck like that for good.

There are advantages and disadvantages of being this way and honestly, being a veteran rather than a newbie really only affects things in the short run.  However, the short run has to happen before there can be a long run so it's also a large stumbling block.  I have met Dommes that have a preference for both types.  Some don't want to waste lots of time training a lamb and in many cases it's the lambs that are the first to bolt when they get scared.  Others love the thought of breaking-in a virgin ass and making the first big splash in their kink life. 

I think it is safe to assume that no one wants to be constantly shuffling through submissives while searching for a "good one."  Even the Dommes that prefer lambs generally just want a clean slate where they aren't being compared to other women and the training process is an emotionally bonding experience that builds love and trust.

Some of the primary advantages to having experience:
-Veteran subs may have more realistic expectations.  You aren't (completely) off in fantasy-land.  Your expectations of a Domme and responsibilities as a sub will be within reasonable bounds.
-Veteran subs may have fewer limits.  Novices that aren't aware of the depths of subspace they may reach (or what it takes to reach them).  Experienced subs probably have a greater breadth of experience to draw from and in turn, are often willing to endure more things.
-Veteran subs are experienced at fulfilling our roles.

-Veteran subs will have more strongly ingrained fetish needs and probably be more strict about any hard limits they may have.  Think: "He's perfect, except he's really into [blank]." or "He's perfect, except he refuses to do [blank]."
-Veteran subs have a greater risk of having their previous submission experiences rubbing off on how they try to submit in the future.  If they were trained in a strict environment they will likely be hesitant to act without direction.  If they were allowed to roam "free," they may bring many bad habits to the table.
-Veteran subs are at a higher risk of bringing emotional baggage.  Everyone has their demons... but D/s break-ups are rarely mutual.  This is a safe assumption to make.

Do these even matter?  Should they even matter?  I never really know.  I'd like to think that every sub is given a clean slate chance to prove themselves worthy through individual merits.  I'd also love to believe that dating never happens based upon looks alone, that Santa Claus is real, and that people are always given opportunities based upon their abilities. 

Sadly, veteran subs do eventually develop a submissive identity that is given a shallow label (or two) that most closely defines them.  e.g. service slave, domestic servant, sissy maid, cuckold, pain slut, cum slut, and the like.  Even more sad is that there is enough of a negative demographic to often provide stigmas attached to each label (read as: subs that send a picture of their cock in their first contact email to a Domme along with a message along the lines of "u r hot. dominat me.").

I guess I'm trying to figure out if being a veteran is more of an advantage than a hindrance.  I guess it varies case by case... just as everything else does.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Downs and Ups, Ups and Downs (Part 3)

Saturday finally arrived.  We had made plans to meet up with another Femdom D/s couple that I met through our blogs.  We went early and went shopping at an upscale department store.  Shopping was a bit disappointing, we both love fur and there were hardly any "good" items available for either of us.  We left the store and met up with the couple for Dinner at a local BBQ restaurant.

We chatted and ate before heading to a bar to get a drink and talk some more.  Luckily it was fairly early and we were able to find a private spot with no one nearby.  They are a charming couple and we had a great time.  I'm glad that we had that experience and I hope we can meet up again soon.

The evening ended smoothly and we watched a DVD before going to sleep on the earlier side of things.  Today we didn't have anything planned but we got up and going fairly late today.  We went shopping at a local bargain clothing store before dinner and bought our first "fun" things of the year together.  She found a fur-trimmed hat, fur trimmed scarf, and fur scarf that went with some of her coats.  We found the same hat but in off-white for me.   This was literally the first time we bought "play" clothes this winter.  She is now at work but the evening ended smoothly again.

I feel really fucked up over the turn of events that went on, but the both of us seem a lot better after going out with the other couple on Saturday. 

I have realized that I am pretty much suffering from battered woman syndrome.  I do think if it gets that bad again I will be able to break things off.  The idea of that is still scary though... I'm not sure if it's better to be safe and alone or abused and together. 

On another random note, my CB-6000S cage arrived late last week and I was able to give it a trial run.  Getting a good fit on the CB-6000 has been a bit of a challenge.  The 6000s alleviated some of these issues since my penis doesn't get "stuck" against cage wall when it attempts an erection like it did with the standard 6000 cage.  I also found going with a smaller cock ring helps it fit better.  Although it's much harder to get on, it gives the testicles more clearance so there's less chafing done by the back of the cage.  It's still not long-term comfortable yet, but I'm going to keep working with it to see if I can get a decent fit.  On a side note, the shorter length of this cage is a bit more humiliating.