Thursday, June 29, 2017

Finally the right fit... well right enough

After more than a decade of searching and over a thousand dollars wasted I finally have found a chastity device or two that isn't horrifically painful and may be suitable for longer term wear.  As much as I didn't want to purchase a third steel device in under a month, I figured it was worth another $26 to see if this would be the magical fit (I am not using it with the catheter tube as that freaks me out).

Almost perfect.  One downside is that my foreskin gets irritated by the "spokes" at the end (another downfall of being uncircumcised).  The other issue is that after repeated arousal attempts, part of my scrotum can also get irritated on the spokes.  It is definitely more comfortable and a bit longer than the other short tube steel device I ordered.  I am not sure if this is the best route for long-term use or if I simply need to add some lube.

This device came with a spiked anti-pullout ring add on but before I was able to even get it on it immediately felt like this is a tetanus risk waiting to happen.  It should fit on all 3 devices.

The alternative is to go with the longer tube version of this device that I received last week.

I feel a bit like Goldilocks... one is a bit too short, the other a bit too long, but there isn't one that is just right.  The longer tube definitely doesn't have the same irritation concerns and it seems to control urine a bit better.  Its downside is its weight.  This device feels significantly heavier (even though it might only be a couple of ounces).

The big positive is that between these two devices, I'm fairly certain that I will be able to find something that will work.

I wouldn't have learned enough if not for the struggles with the Holy Trainer V2 that I went through earlier this year.  I am glad that I was willing to give these cheapo devices from Amazon a chance.  All three locks are keyed alike, so I basically have 3 locks and 6 keys in case any of them break.  I also have 2 rings that are good fits and 1 ring that is a bit snug but could possibly be moved to if anything changes over time.  All of the cages will fit on all of the rings although a couple of them take a bit of jockeying to get locked.  The regions meant for the lock aren't exactly machined to exacting standards... I'm guessing they had to bend some things on every single device to make sure it would take a lock.  I'm out about $80 on the three and I'm feeling pretty good about that considering I have some extra hardware and have spent about half of what most devices cost.  I also have a reference point for if I want to go with something higher quality in the future.

And now... my OCD can rest.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Spiraling in my mind

I've been trying to force myself to write but haven't really had anything on my mind that I think is worth talking about.  Depression has definitely set in but I'm only feeling "dead most of the time" instead of completely wrecked, so that is a good thing.

It seems when I have been trying to write that I'm mostly finding myself frustrated and very, very tired.  This summer the blogosphere has trailed off by such an extreme amount... way more than ever before.  I know that things cycle, but when you follow 100 blogs it is sort of scary to refresh the reader and find that you still see posts that are more than 24 hours old without scrolling.

I generally try to keep commenting but right now that is very hit or miss.  Blog posts either speak to me and inspire me to whip up some comments that exceed the original post length... or I find myself with nothing to say.  I should probably try harder but that's the problem with depression.

I will say that this year that I'm finding a handful of things interesting when it comes to kink/BDSM blogging and the like.  I'm not sure if I'm just at a different point in my life or what, but I'm finding that I enjoy acting as a "translator" when it comes to differing views on the lifestyle.  So frequently I come across posts and comments and damn, they feel like the people are speaking different languages.  Where I come in is piecing together each person's frame of reference and then communicating how those fundamental differences cause communication to collapse.  I am selective when I do this, as I find in a lot of cases people do not want to understand, hear anything different, or care.  When I do find someone that is genuinely curious and wants to understand, I really enjoy helping that along.

e.g. When one person sees D/s as a full time monogamous lifestyle endeavor while another person sees D/s as a temporary arrangement to be engaged in during a scene or bedroom play with partners they may or may not be in a relationship with.

One thing I will add is that I'm not a fan of disclaimers.  It's one thing when people give a warning like "spoiler alert" or "trigger alert, this contains talk about rape and suicide" and so on.  These types of disclaimers are courteous.  The disclaimers that bother the living hell out of me are when people use them as a bail out to go on some stereotype-laden tirade and then lean on the disclaimer as a replacement for tact.  I value careful word choices since they require thoughtfulness and an idea of how your words might be perceived by others. 

When I write a post that is supposed to be informative, I use a lot of weakass statements like: "in many cases," "it is common to find," "a good number of," and the like.  The reason I do this is because I really don't want to come off like I am saying "ALL." 

"It is common to find yellow bananas."  This statement is pretty much true in most cases (see what I did there?).  "All bananas are yellow."  Bzzzt.  Oh, but don't worry, I put a disclaimer at the top that says "half of what I write might be bullshit." 

It makes me wonder why people make statements that sound rigid and absolute.  Do they think it makes their writing seem more legitimate, powerful, or truthful?  I just think it makes them sound like an ignorant jackass... even if they have a disclaimer at the top.  I don't know, I guess, but if you are wishing to manipulate readers with words then at least mask it creatively like, "a statement is either always true, sometimes true, or never true.  That is absolute." 

Truly persuasive words are the ones that are strong enough to change someone's mind, force them to revisit their own beliefs, or to think outside of the immediate bubble that encompasses their life.  Just sayin'. 

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Chastity Tips: When It Burns

This year's chastity experiments have taught me a lot about fit.  This is one of those frustrating topics because of the cost of devices and uncertainty about comfort for long-term wear. You'll hear a lot of people talk about fit and issues, but very rarely are things described well enough to figure out what is going on.  One-size fits most is only a good thing if you fall into "most" and especially frustrating if you aren't sure the appropriate response, e.g. spending $60 on an additional base ring but not knowing if going smaller or larger will yield more benefit.

I wanted to share a bit that I have learned through extensive and repeated failures with devices that others might find helpful. The topic in particular is about the "burning" feeling that some people develop with certain devices.  I have found there are approximately five reasons that lead to the feeling of scrotal burning from a device.  This feeling is very non-descriptive and deceptive since it might be caused by more than one reason. Eliminating them one by one should help.

1. Lack of Lubrication
This probably seems rather obvious, but how and where the friction is coming from isn't always obvious.  For your choice of lubrication I strongly recommend something long lasting.  Silicon-based lube and certain types of butters and oils tend to do rather well.  Lotion and water-based lubes will evaporate too quickly. 

In my own case I have found that I need to lubricate the inside of the ring all the way around and the front of the ring anywhere it will contact the scrotum.  I also lube the inside of the cage, especially along the top where you will come into contact with it when you attempt an erection.  In addition to that I lube the underside of the cage on the outside.  Depending upon how your anatomy is you may get a significant amount of rubbing/bunching there.

Ideally your skin will glide.  If it doesn't, the burn is likely caused by improper lubrication.

2. Skin Stretching
If you have a high and tight scrotum and are using a trapped ball device, there is a very good chance you will get some skin stretching.  This can range from mild to painful but its affects can be minimized, however there isn't a set way to do that.  Using lotion, butters , or oils on the scrotum will make this less unpleasant.  The same things that women use for stomach stretching when pregnant will work on your scrotum.

Ring size can be a major factor but it depends heavily on the design of the device and your anatomy.  With some devices, a larger ring will increase scrotal stretching by forcing it to bend out and around the ring.  With other devices, a smaller ring will increase stretching by decreasing the space between the cage and the ring, increasing the pull because it happens in a different spot.  A lot of this depends on how much space there is between the cage and ring when working from a starting size.  Generally speaking, increasing the gap will reduce stretching. 

This is very true for devices that have adjustable spacers (e.g. CB-6000).  A wider spacer will reduce stretching.

3. Skin Bunching
This is somewhat linked to lubrication but there are other factors involved.  Improper ring-sizing and spacing can also cause the skin to bunch in certain spots and cause additional unpleasant friction that can lead to a burning feeling over time. 

Making sure that you find an equilibrium with how much scrotum you pull through the ring before attaching the cage can help.  This is also the reason that I lube the underside of the cage.  Anything you can do to increase the space between the cage and the ring will often help.

4. Excess Hair
Many devices will encourage shaving.  Good luck trying to get a CB-6000 on without shaving first unless you really enjoy the feeling of hairs being ripped out.  This one gets deceptive because sometimes you might miss a few hairs in an awkward spot and while you might think, "it's only 3 hairs, no big deal," it can become a huge discomfort if they are near a contact point with the ring or cage.  If those hairs happen to get laid flat and trapped beneath a contact point, the constant slight tug that isn't enough to rip them out can give a burning feeling that is tough to differentiate from the others.

5. Pinching of Nerves/Circulation
Generally speaking, it's usually quite obvious within a minute or two if you managed to obstruct blood flow or have nerve irritation.  However, it is possible to have a fine fit in a flaccid state that is too tight when you attempt an erection. 

This is the most deceptive of all types of burns because you will feel fine until you experience intense attempted arousal or frequently linger in a slightly aroused state.  In these cases, the swollen state causes a pinched nerve or series of blood vessels that were originally fine and causes nerve irritation.  What makes this hard to spot is that the pain will generally be in a different spot from where the pinching is happening.  E.g. it will be due to excessive contact on the left side of the penis but the burn will be on the scrotal skin. 

Going larger on the ring or wider on the spacing is advisable.  In some cases the tube diameter might just be too small.

Hopefully at least one person will find this helpful.  The majority of my device failures have been caused by more than one factor at a time, which made it increasingly difficult to figure out the problems.  This is a tender area we are dealing with.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

June adventures with Chastity

So after my failed experiences with the Holy Trainer and Strict Gate earlier this year and doing some blog reading I was able to learn more about fit and lubrication than ever before.  My couple of weeks with the Holy Trainer was able to stretch me enough to fit back into the CB-6000S.  Unfortunately I found myself in a similar conundrum as before.  The ring/spacer combo that was comfortable allowed for horribly painful slip through of one nut.  Going to a smaller ring or shorter spacer led to circulation issues.  Fail by a matter of a millimeter or two no matter what I tried.

After doing some more blog browsing I decided to give things a look on Amazon.  Seems natural to order some Blurays, books, sex toys... all from the same place.  Amazon carries a slew of knock off CB's that are made in China but that are very inexpensive compared to the real versions.  We're talking like $20 vs. $160 cheap.  As much as I appreciate the R&D and quality control that goes into developing the devices in the first place, I really can't afford to spend hundreds on device after device that won't fit. 

So... I took a few chances.  The first item was a silicone CB-6000S in the $25 range.  I had read a blog giving a minor review of this and I figured I would give one a look.  I know that it wouldn't be secure, but I was curious if it would solve the pain/circulation issues and be "secure enough" for my current intents and purposes.  Basically, would be a realistic enough toy to mess around with for the time being.

The short answer, no.  The cage portion bends too easily due to my nonstandard anatomy.  Also, it has been hot/humid lately and any perspiration causes the silicone to chafe a lot and I don't have any silicone-safe lubricant that doesn't evaporate after like 15 minutes.  I have debated trying something along the lines of mix & matching the CB-6000's solid rings with the silicone cage or the solid cage with the silicone rings.  I may do that somewhere down the line.  The upside is that It only wasted $25 instead of $150.  This would, however, be a potential option for someone with more standard anatomy that is looking to mess around with it as a toy before taking the plunge into a more serious device. I have heard horror stories about knock off hard plastic CB's cracking and cutting people badly on their tender parts but I am not sure if these are true or urban legends spread by the manufacturers to convince you to spend $150 instead of $20.  I suppose if you are planning on wearing a cage for say, months at a time, it probably is worth the investment in the real deal, even if just for peace of mind.

I followed this up with attempt number two.  My first full metal device than a Houdini knock off I bought in like 2006 on ebay.  I believe this is a cheaply made Chinese device stolen from a design from a more reputable manufacturer.  I read a LOT of reviews on Amazon for the hundreds of options they have for steel devices.  Many of them were like "dude, the edges are sharp and will cut your dick."  Having spent time with the various generations of CB-X000's and some other devices I quickly zeroed in on the options that had what I was looking for.  1) I wanted a contoured ring.  2) I wanted a "closed" tube at the top as my anatomy and foreskin do some strange things as they shift around.  I was a bit wary of this device because many of the "magic lock" type devices had reviews about the locks breaking very easily, but having spent time with legit magic lock devices, the locks are somewhat questionable no matter what.  For $25, I figured I'd give it a go.

Lesson number one that I learned: Do not trust their ring measurements.  45mm in the CB-X000 line and on the Holy Trainer was fine for the ring size.  This one fit a lot smaller and probably is a bit too narrow.  Although there were some rough patches in the cage, they are not actually sharp.  Lesson number two that I learned: Do not trust their cage length measurements.  Either my perceptions of length are off or this cage is just shorter than it stated.  On the upside, the anatomical weirdness actually keeps the top of the ring from being flush with my pelvis so with that space the cage ended up being a length that just barely works in my flaccid state. 

This was my first experience with a cage that was short enough to block ANY attempt at erection.  As a grower that expands roughly 4X, in most cases the cages would allow for partial expansion, and if sufficiently lubed, the tube itself would provide some frustrating stimulation.  This device blocks it immediately as there is no room for any growth and the moderately enjoyable glory of frustration is instead replaced with a "WTF this is terrible!" sensation and emotion set.  You could argue for this being good or bad.

The downside is that the ring started causing pain.

This is on the way and should be here in a couple of days:

I have no intention of using the catheter tube but I ordered the larger ring size.  I am hoping that the ring/cage/lock are interchangeable between the two.  This photo makes it appear that the lock enters on the opposing side but the other two photos have it matching. I guess I will know in a few days.

In any case, at least with these three endeavors I have spent roughly half of what it costs for a "real" device. 

A Dilemma

With the help of a friend I was finally able to channel a deep subspace the other day.  It was the good kind of space... the kind that I write my fiction from and have been struggling to find for a few months now.  Something jumped out at me from the experience and I have stumbled upon a dilemma.  Well, I'm not even sure it is a dilemma for me, but I do believe it might be for others.  It also causes a bit of conflict between what is "probably best" for me vs. what I believe would make me happy.

It feels incredibly strange to write this, but following the return of my traumatic memories, the people in the community that are closest to me have actually been too supportive and understanding as I have dealt with it all.  I have come to understand that my anxiety is what is capable of trapping me in very deep deep subspace (the state I originally interpreted a few years ago as slavespace).  When people build up the damaged parts of me, the anxiety subsides and limits the effectiveness of my previously existing triggers into subspace.

Basically, the more normal I feel, the harder it is for me to achieve the mental state I crave the most.

This became abundantly clear when I wrote a fantasy fiction piece based upon a picture.  When you interact enough with people that are kink-friendly it is easy to forget how the "rest of the world" feels about things.  Imagining the thoughts of strangers reminded me.  When I write fiction I completely immerse myself mentally in the scene.  Writing this scene brought back was the intense anxiety that used to be common to me whenever I spoke about my kinks and the like.

This gives rise to some odd questions.  To be the submissive that I want to be, I have to feel broken.  I have to have given up on myself to such an extent that I can shed my own desires and focus upon her.  In turn, this means that my ideal fit is not a relationship that repairs me and makes me feel good about myself.  As a submissive I function better if I feel completely screwed up and afraid.

To outside eyes I can picture someone reading this and being like, "Dude, WTF."  I crave a state that is emotionally unhealthy but peaceful and fulfilling in other ways.  I would seek someone that would keep me weak, make me dependent upon her for my sense of worth, and be completely at her mercy.  All of this makes me love her more. I have lived this before and know that it is true.

I do not know how K or F came to terms with this.  They found a way to do this without doubts or regret.  I have to wonder how large of a mental hurdle that was to clear.  If she treats me this way because she loves me, but her love makes her want to treat me differently... I can see how this could be a trap.

I don't really know, I'm just letting my thoughts spin. 

Monday, June 19, 2017

Double Standards 2017 Part 2

Wow, I just realize how rant-like the last post felt.  It wasn't meant to be as it was actually supposed to be a contrast piece designed to inform someone about something I had talked about earlier.  I guess I should cut down on drinking Haterade. 

I did have something I wanted to follow up with.

In F/m D/s it is very possible for Dommes to wield those double standards as part of a humiliation and control dynamic.  People might have ethical objections to this but kink-shaming a male sub can serve to isolate him and make him feel like he has to try harder.  It makes the Domme seem more special because she is the one woman in the world that will tolerate/accept him while every other woman will think he is a disgusting pervert.  Conditioning this type of mindset has great potential to push a sub to being "all in" as the added pressure of keeping the only woman in the world who would accept him happy dis-empowers him quite a bit vs. if he feels like he has options, is desirable, etc. 

While this might seem unfair, it really isn't all that far off from the truth. 

Double Standards in Fantasy, Porn, and Kink - 2017 Edition

Yes, I'm revisiting a topic that I have written about before as it is fresh in my thoughts...

Today while leaving some comments on a blog entry I got to thinking about how there are societal double-standards when it comes to how men and women approach fantasy, porn, and kink.  This isn't something that gets talked about too often and I know that there will be people who have experienced the opposite of what I am about to write, but as a whole, I firmly believe that men and women are "taught" to behave and feel differently about these topics.

Men are expected to watch/look at porn.  This is generally unspoken outside of locker room talk, but part of being "one of the guys" is to like tits, want to fuck, and have a large stash of pornography that is called upon for masturbatory assistance.  For the most part, this isn't spoken about, it is merely assumed.  You are a man, you like porn. 

Women are not expected to watch/look at porn.  I know many women who do enjoy porn, but they stand out as anomalies because the acknowledgement if porn watching is generally reserved for men.  This rarely gets spoken about and it is generally assumed that if you are a proper lady, you do not watch porn.

While the view of porn tends to favor men, fantasy definitely favors women.  In place of porn, women are expected to read erotic novels, craft in-depth mental fantasies, and get turned on by symbols, environments, and situations.  This is frequently viewed as being more cultured than the stereotypical neanderthal "me see tits, me jerk off" masturbation habits of men.  Women with active imaginations and deep fantasies are considered experimental, sexually open/free/liberated, and in some cases, kinky.  It is acceptable to women to break out a pair of handcuffs, hint at an erotic spanking, and things of this nature.

In contrast, men who fantasize are perverse deviants.  Men are the wankers who jerk off to impossible ideals or porn stereotypes.  In their lowest form, they become fetishists.  As a fetishist, you are some evil soul that objectifies women and deserves to be portrayed as some degenerate pervert on CSI.  It doesn't matter what your fetish is, the fact that you have one basically turns you into a sex-offender.  You mean you're a guy and you don't just jerk off to tits and sex?  Disgusting pervert. 

When all is said and done we often turn to the kink communities in order to find open-minded people who are tolerant and will understand us.  This leads me to the next topic, kink shaming.  For those who aren't familiar with this term, it is basically what it sounds like, ridiculing someone because of their kinks.  For the most part, this happens asymmetrically in the BDSM community.  Men are kink-shamed.  Women are not. 

I'm not going to lie, men earn a lot of this.  The thousands of one-handed typers that harass and disgust women on a daily basis skew things badly.  That being said, there isn't a rush to separate the wankers from the people.  It is considered perfectly okay to treat a man who is respectful and articulate in the same way you would treat a man that messages you with a dick pic and the message "howru.  suck my cock." 

As this persists it can get really ugly.  There is never a shortage of men who make complete asses of themselves.  There is never a shortage of hate to be poured upon all men because of those other men.  Everyone gets jaded. 

It honestly gets a bit weird how this progresses.  It's sort of like... no matter what a woman likes and whatever her characteristics may be, that is okay.  A woman who is a little?  There are thousands of daddies out there.  A woman that is overweight?  There is an entire community set up around BBW worship.  A woman with a third leg?  There would be a line of men with foot or trampling fetishes several miles long wanting to be with her. 

But if you are a man and are into _______, holy shit you better watch out because you are a disgusting pervert that will have to pay $250 an hour to have your needs met.  You will read about how "all men are into _______ and it's impossible to find normal quality men."  You will be told "YKINMK" and then cut off.  You will be rejected without being given any form of chance whatsoever, because liking ______ makes you a pariah. 

This kind of sucks.  It's kind of unfair.  Lately I have noticed a lot more people noticing this and I consider that movement in the right direction.  It feels like there is a long ways to go.

Friday, June 16, 2017

"Is there a right way?" is the Wrong Question

Please do let me know if splitting this rant up into three separate mini rants makes me seem like less of a sad little hate-monger banging away in the darkness on a keyboard in a parent's basement with nothing better to do.  I don't live in a parent's basement.

Hopefully this will get it all out of my system.

As I've written in the past, I try to be a collector of perspectives when it comes to the lifestyle.  I try to learn enough to understand the different perspectives.  I don't need to like them, want them, or agree with them, but I figure if I know enough to understand their merits, I can at least empathize a little bit, and at worst, act as a translator when two parties end up looking like they are speaking different languages on the same topic.  By doing this I also learn all sorts of fascinating tidbits and reasons that I may not have thought of before... and this has done so much to enrich my own ideal version of the lifestyle I would want.

Hell, half of what I write about comes from taking some concept from a completely different type of relationship than my own and delving into it.  The "why" is often as important as the "what."  The "how" is what makes it feasible. 

My last two posts have talked about frustration with "the one right way" as well as frustrations with the "we are unique, there is no right way."  If you've read my blog for years you are probably familiar that I like to classify, categorize, and define things.  I completely agree with the statement that "there is no one size fits all version of BDSM." 

I will make a completely outrageous statement here.  There are like 5 sizes of BDSM that fit 90% of the population.  Well, I'm half-joking/half-serious with that statement.  I'll expand a little bit in how I tend to view things like "people involved in BDSM."  If you took biology in high school you might remember taxonomy and graphics like these:

It is basically a means of grouping organisms from most general to most specific.  The higher you are on the rank, the more organisms are encompassed.  I view BDSM through a very similar lens.  I've never actually taken the time to break it down, so some of these might seem out of order but I figure I need to actually break it down a bit so I am winging it on the fly.

Domain: All people involved in BDSM.
Kingdom: BDSM is a lifestyle.  BDSM is negotiated consensual scenes.
Phylum: Monogamous.  Poly.
Class:  Loving.  Non-loving.  Non-romantic.

Order:  F/m, F/f, M/f, M/m covers mono.  Poly gets a bit more complicated as it also includes F/f/m, F/F/m, F/f/M, M/M/f, M/m/f, etc.  There are also switches. 

etc. etc.

A married F/m couple with a 24-7 relationship will be something like:
BDSM is a lifestyle > Monogamous > Loving > F/m > and so on.

Once you hit the species level, things feel a bit more unique.  The farther up you trace the progression, the more you start having in common with other people.  I have also found that most disagreements that happen on a fundamental level tend to happen due to differences higher up the ladder.  As you filter down into the smaller distribution groups you will find the people who are similar to you, are in fact similar to you because you share fundamental beliefs about the lifestyle.

This becomes a little more complicated than 5 sizes but I think you will find that as long as you match up with someone on the Kingdom/Phylum/Class level that you will have quite a bit in common with them.  There is a good chance that it will diverge at some point further down, but is that enough of a reason to fall back into the "we are unique, there is no right way" and the accompanying belief that we can't learn from them and they can't learn from us?  The frequency with which people act in that way actually disturbs me. 

Wow... this didn't feel like a rant.  Welcome to a view of the way my nerd brain processes information.

Guides and Edumacation

Welcome to rant #2 of the day...

First off, I want to state that I respect those that take the time to create guides.  It is a lot of work and rarely yields any type of reward except for a few back pats, and at best, the most common result is plagiarism. 

Recently I have had a few people request that I write some newbie BDSM guides.  My first reaction was, "why would I take the time to do that when there are already so many resources available?"  Then I went to look for the resources that I learned from and they are either completely gone or buried so deep in SEO that they may as well be gone. 

Honestly, I keep running into people that are confused or burdened by the fact that they are working from a singular definition of a term or concept when there are multiple definitions for said term/concept.  "The guide I read said it was _____." 

I respect those that take the time to create guides... but c'mawn... be thorough.  The reason so few people write guides is because they are a hell of a lot of work (I know first hand having written many guides in other fields).  If you google the word "sand" and look for a definition you will find there are three of them.  One is a noun and refers to a sand like on a beach.  Two are verbs.  One is the action of smoothing something with sand paper.  The other is spreading the noun version of sand on something, like a road in winter.  If you came across a dictionary that had one or two of those definitions (and not all three) you would probably think it was a pretty shitty dictionary.  I'm going to stop at that.

Guides in general are rather interesting.  If you hunt them down, and I have read dozens over the years, there are basically two types of guides:  One that is supposed to be universal but is obviously targeted at submissive women.  One that is purposely directed at men.  If I had to give those guides titles to summarize them, it would be something like this:
  • Newbie guide for women:  How to not get abused and raped in BDSM.
  • Newbie guide for men: How to not repulse every woman on the internet.  
For those looking to delve further, there is the "Big Book of BDSM Clichés," that I talked about in my last post.

I'm not actually making fun of these guides.  Sadly, they are necessary.  Almost too necessary.  So necessary it's kind of frightening.  Yeah.  You know exactly what I'm talking about.

While there are plenty of BDSM 101 resources, what I have noticed that is completely lacking would be BDSM 201, 301, and 401 guides.  It took me a while to figure out why.  Just about everyone that has been in the lifestyle for a long period of time has a wealth of knowledge and lessons they have gathered over the years.  This applies to people who have been with the same partner for a long time as well as those that have not. 

When I try to dig into it, I realize it's the effects of cliches.  "Everyone is unique, there is no right way."  I actually hate this statement for several reasons.  The first is that it is an easy justification for making zero effort to understand someone's situation.  The second is that it distances us from other people.  I am unique, you are unique, we are too different for anything to be applicable to the both of us. 

Having been treated different for reasons like weight, build, physical appearance, and the like, I think that feeling unique is isolating.  I have spent years searching for SIMILARITIES between people rather than differences.  I have seen ways for people to come together rather than remain apart.  Special little snowflakes melt alone.

I find the lack of material written about "intermediate BDSM" to be rather shocking.  In its place you find "There is no one right way." 

Maybe they were right and I should write guides.  In the future I can find a post on someone's blog where they bitch about my guide being inadequate and I can pump my fist in the air and shout, "OMG, someone read my shit and took the time to write about it!"

Why I Hate Clichés...

I've attempted to write this post 10 times and deleted it every time... it ends up being too negative and ranty.  I hate not writing for long stretches so I may as well just unleash it in a more focused form.

Over the past few months I've been interacting with quite a few people that are newer to the BDSM scene (less than a year experience).  I really enjoy helping people who have a genuine interest to learn.  I find it very rewarding to connect with someone and be able to teach them about topics or ideas that have aspects about them that fall below the surface and aren't necessarily evident when they are presented to people for the first time.

I have also found myself following a lot more blogs, mostly on Wordpress.  I'm reading a lot more M/f blogs now than ever before and again I am reminded at just how much more attention is paid to those blogs than male sub authored F/m blogs.

Seeing a much larger volume of comments on the blogs that I post reminded me about something.  I hate cliches.  It's not that I dislike what is said in a cliche or its meanings... I dislike that cliches steal from active thought.  In BDSM, cliches are drilled into newcomers to the scene and nearly anyone who takes part in a local or online BDSM community can probably recite all of them on cue.  It brings me back to the days of memorizing multiplication tables.  We don't need to know how they work, we just memorize the answers.  While some may take the time to get into it and seek the answers of how and why, eventually the words become law and anything that violates the law is considered taboo.

Granted, a lot of the reasons behind cliches often fall into the realm of common sense, but this is kink, which commonly causes large numbers of people to lose half their brain when they think about it.  Every day you will read blog posts explaining why the cliches are necessary.

Over time, cliches too often end up being the Swiss Army knife of fixes.  Have a problem?  Spout a cliche.  Need help understanding something?  Spout a cliche.  Something doesn't feel right?  Spout a cliche.  When I see the run of cliches I start wondering if people have actually made any effort to understand the person enough to, you know, give them an applicable and personal response.  It's much easier to spout a cliche... because it doesn't require you to know someone or understand their situation at all.  Is that a good thing?

At other times cliches lead to interesting scenarios when they begin to conflict with one another.  Think of how many kinksters you hear use the phrase "there is no one true way."  It ends up being the view of well over half of the people who post anything BDSM-related anywhere on the internet.  This becomes their mantra until confronted with something that violates another cliche.
"There is no one true way... except all of the following must be true:
-trust cliche.
-communication cliche.
-consent cliche.
-safety cliche.
-limits cliche.
-generic BDSM-oriented cliche.
Failure to comply will lead to ridicule and shame."

When this happens it seems so strange that it looks a lot like they believe there is one true way.

I'm going to cut the rant off here.

I hope you have a good weekend.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Consensus: Not a little

I finally have some clarity on the subject that had been lingering for a while now.  I was lucky enough to chat with a few people both have a little space and those who have spent a lot of time with them and after sharing a bit about my situation the consensus was that my slavespace is not little space.

According to their descriptions, little space is meant to be a happy place that acts as a shield from stress and the like.  My space is a place of constant anxiety and driven mostly by fear.  The one with the most experience in this area cited it was most likely PTSD and that the hyper-sexualized state was mostly resulting to the traumatic sexual humiliation I suffered in early childhood. 

Another topic that was brought up was why is it that my memories keep returning in April-June range (at least for 2017 and 2016).  My guess on that has to do with that being around the time that my SAD seems to wear off when the weather finally stabilizes in a good way. 

Interesting stuff and it has alleviated quite a burden that I have been carrying.  Some questions still linger, but this one has been answered.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Fiction: fs01 Visual: fs's uniform

It's been a while since I drew anything.

A couple of days ago I drew a rendition of fs's uniform (version 3).  This isn't concrete as I'm sure people have their various mental images of it.  This is just what I had pictured in my own mind.

The locking harness is a bit different, mostly because it wasn't really going to show up very well from the front view and would need side/rear views to appear full.  My solution was to add a few more straps and make the locks visible in the front.  If things look a little bit huge and outrageous, I actually used models for these and matched the proportions and actually shrunk them a bit vs. how the actual items appeared.  I also chose the color scheme based more upon contrast and they are a little different than the original way that I imagined it.   Doesn't he look happy?

I did a modification just to show the gag and blindfold that attach to the head harness through some mythical locking mechanism that I never fully explain.  In my mind I had pictured something along the lines of the locks that you would find on a portfolio style briefcase that could be attached very easily but would require a key to remove.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Love

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Love

Dear Ms. C.

When I read about what you do to your sub I can’t believe that he doesn’t hate you. You say that you love him but I don’t believe it. I don’t see how a man would put up with a woman who is so bitchy and mean to him.

-The Man

Normally I reserve “Question and Answer” to answer questions, but every few months I receive some variation of this statement and today I felt like addressing the topic. To put it create a question worth answering. I will rephrase this into: If you love your sub how can you be so cruel to him?

I am cruel to my sub because I love him. I love him dearly. I love him so much that I spent years carefully crafting an environment and system of dynamics that keep him completely under my thumb. He is the only man I desire in my life. He is wonderful and obedient. He gives all of himself to me and loves me with his entire being.

My sub thrives under cruelty and control. The more unfair the circumstances, the more he rises to the occasion. I press him to bring out the best in him and he rarely disappoints. He feels good and proud knowing that I help him reach his potential. He is absolutely happy knowing that I shape him into the form I desire most. He is special. Lots of subs talk the talk but so few will give themselves like he does. I love him absolutely and cannot picture my life without him.

That being said, I am careful in the amount of positive attention that I give him. If he feels that he can easily please me he will grow lazy. If he feels that he will be able to completely satisfy me he will lose the emphatic fervor that drives him. While he knows that I love him, it is when he fears that I may find a reason to make him suffer that I see his best effort. Seeing this from him makes me happy and he is happy when he pleases me.

I think it would be more cruel if I were to stop our dynamics. Since I love him, I would never wish that upon him.


Thursday, June 1, 2017

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Privacy

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Privacy

Dear Ms. C.

I wish that I could show my pet off to everyone but we keep our relationship completely private to the outside world due to privacy concerns. How were you overcome the privacy obstacle and make your relationship known to your friends as well as bringing your sub out in public?

-Always Learning

Thank you, A.L., that is a very good question.

When it comes to “outing” yourself it really depends heavily upon how strong of a relationship you have with your nearest and dearest friends. You must trust them absolutely for this to feel safe. It’s often easier to simply make some kinky friends where they have a natural understanding of discretion. I consider myself a fairly good judge of character and I generally keep myself quite guarded around those who I don’t trust. The people in my life that are aware of our lifestyle I have known for years and in many cases they are just as kinky as we are.

Bringing my sub out in public isn’t that big of a deal when our destination is someplace kinky. In those environments people generally understand that they are just as susceptible to being outed as you are. For example, if someone announces that they saw you with your sub at the Kitty Kat Club on fetish night, it means they too were at the same club on fetish night.

In all honesty, in today’s age of social media it is probably better to be safe than sorry. If you have any doubts, it is very reasonable to err on the side of caution. I will say that over the years I find myself less and less concerned about people finding out that I am a dominant woman. I wear the pants. I keep my submissive husband’s balls in my purse. I don’t lift a finger around the house and he waits on me like a Queen. If others found out about that I have a feeling some of them would be quite jealous and in most cases, my sub would be more distraught than I would be and that makes things a little bit fun.


Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Relationship Evolution and Plateaus

This post is a response to a question I was asked about some comments I left. I have written upon these subjects in the past quite a bit on my Blogger blog but I’m going to write about them again.

All relationships change over time because the people involved in the relationships change. In D/s relationships this frequently involves a gradual increase in the intensity of the dynamics as familiarity, trust, and experiences grow. In the beginning everything is new and exciting. After you’ve done it 20 times the “new car smell” is gone and you have a pretty good idea of how things will go and what to expect from actions and reactions in both the physical and emotional realm. At this point things become routine and in most cases, one or both parties will want to bring the excitement back and changes and new activities will be introduced. This can continue almost indefinitely with a few different versions of the “end game” (the end game being when things really can’t be pushed any further).

However, most relationships never reach the end game. Ideally a plateau occurs when the relationship reaches an equilibrium intensity level that is appealing to both parties and readily sustainable with happy feelings abound. Not all plateaus are ideal as they can also occur when one party “hits a wall” in how far they are willing to go. This can be due to a submissive that reaches a limit to the vulnerability they are willing to explore. This can be because a dominant finds their comfort zone where they feel confident and have their needs met and do not wish for more beyond this point. When one party is set on staying put and the other wishes to press onward it puts a lot of strain on the relationship.

Assuming both parties are new to the lifestyle there are some interesting phenomenon that happen quite commonly. The first is that in most cases subs have spent more time fantasizing about D/s than Doms have. This means in the beginning the sub is more likely to desire more than the Dom will be comfortable offering. Assuming the Dominant takes to their role, they frequently experience periods of rapid growth when they finally get confident and comfortable with themselves. This growth will often propel them beyond the sub and in my opinion, this is where things really start to get interesting. Up until that point many of the activities were ones the sub desired. This is the time when the Dom may introduce things that the sub does not desire or enjoy. If the Dom presses the sub through their mental resistance, I believe this is where the submissive mindset fully takes shape and both parties will continue to evolve.

Another interesting factor is that men are more likely to plateau than women. Two factors play heavily into this:
  1. Post-orgasm crashes.
  2. Fetish development.
After an orgasm men will frequently lose their previous emotional state and however they felt beforehand can disappear. If they are dominant, the feelings of Domspace may vanish. If they are submissive, their desire to submit may vanish.

Fetish development is far more common in men as they are more likely to repeatedly masturbate to the same fantasy scenario. If they continue down this path they will likely find a couple of factors that “do it” for them and this may become their end goal. Basically, once a fetish has set in, they will not want to deviate from it and this may be their plateau.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Locks

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 1.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Locks

Dear Ms. C.

Would you be willing to shed light on something for me? Do you have a fascination with locks and restraints? Your sub is obedient yet you lock him into his uniform. You chain his hands before putting him in a cage. I guess I just don’t understand why you do these things as they seem a bit excessive, unnecessary, and needlessly complicated.

-Casual Domina

I do have a fascination with locks and restraints, CD, and I do not mind sharing the reasons with you. I like them mostly because of how they affect my sub on a psychological level. When he finds something unpleasant, any hint of freedom or power leaves the door open for mental resistance. These situations make certain parts of his obedience “optional,” as compliance becomes his choice. Locks help to erase any resistance and push him to a state of total surrender. That is the way that I like him best.

Early on I would occasionally get frustrated with rigging up complicated restraints, but practice makes perfect. When you weigh in the amount of effort it takes me to lock him up versus the effects it has on his submission, I always consider it worthwhile. Twenty seconds on my part to ensure that he struggles in discomfort for hours? Sign me up.

To be completely honest, I would still lock him up even if he achieved total surrender on his own. The look on his face when I put the locks on his uniform and let him know that one of my employees will be delivering something to the house while he is home is absolutely delicious.


Monday, May 29, 2017

A taste of fiction

So I wrote some bonus chapters for fs01 today.  A sort of mock Q&A with Cassandra on her fictitious blog.

Part 76 is still half finished.  I wrote a few more sentences on it today but I am blocked from channeling fs.

I have been blocked since the events leading to my post, Solving the Puzzle of my Submission and have been unable to obtain the mindset I use to write fiction.  The feelings that would take me there are just gone.

It is a bit frustrating but it is the difference between writing feeling like pulling teeth vs. having a thousand words flow out in 15 minutes. It also changes how genuine it feels to me while I write it.

I'm searching for a way to get there.

For those who started reading since I last published a chapter of fiction, the Table of Contents has links to every chapter.

I do have the majority of Arc 9 mapped out.  While I was planning on wrapping up the story there I do have a 10th arc ready with notes to be the true ending as well as a handful of bonus chapters that will accompany Arc 9.  I hope I can get back to it soon.

PS.  In the meantime if anyone has a question they would like answered on a Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter, feel free to send it to me or post it here.

Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Women

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 1.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter Q & A: Women

Dear Ms. C.

If your husband is a male submissive, why do you have so many romantic relationships with women? Do you have some sort of cuckold fantasy? Why not with men?

-Exploring Life

Oh, these are some very difficult questions to answer, Exploring Life, and while I have thought about them before, I was never able to get any clear answers.

Why I don’t have relationships with other men is easy. My submissive is the only man I will ever want. I love him and he is my perfect match. No other man could ever mean what he means to me.

As for women, I find them beautiful and attractive. In many ways I relate better to women and I tend to expect more of them as people and they challenge me. It’s not that I’m a female supremacist or anything, I just have found that men are a puzzle that is easy to solve, while women tend to be more well-rounded and complicated. I would be plenty happy if I spent the rest of my life with only my husband.

A few years ago I did an experiment where I started to slowly bring to life some fantasies that my sub had written for me during the first few months of our relationship. One of those fantasies was to have me take on a woman lover that would diminish his role in the relationship. I will be the first to admit that I made a mistake with K, but since then, my sub definitely seems to respond positively when there is another woman involved as long as I make sure to give him adequate attention. You should see how eager he is to be used by the both of us.

As for how this pertains to the future, I will be honest when I say that I honestly don’t know. There are times when I regret having diminished my sub’s personality to such an extent that I crave a more active companion that I can see as an equal. There are other times when I am absolutely certain that other women are just for fun and that my heart is with my sub. Only time will tell.


Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Rewards

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Rewards

Dear Ms. C.

You write all about the punishments and torments you put your sub through but what about rewards? Doesn’t he deserve rewards for a job well done?


There was a time early on in the relationship where my sub would earn his orgasms with good behavior and service and the like. That was the dynamic as we both were feeling our way through the lifestyle. My sub is intelligent, enthusiastic, competent, and a fast learner. This soon became boring. Every week he would earn his rewards. The times where I would punish him got less and less. Every week it was the same, week in and week out. His enthusiasm waned. My enthusiasm waned. It’s too bad a snorgasm isn’t a thing because I would have had plenty.

This got me thinking about our relationship and the direction I wanted it to go. I wanted total control… total ownership. My sub is so submissive when I am around that he doesn’t need a carrot to “be good.” He is heavily driven by wanting to see me smile and fear of disappointing me. He wants to be perfect for me.

I still remember the day that I got him naked and on his knees in front of me. “I expect perfection from you. Your reward is the knowledge that you performed your duty faithfully and obediently and that I keep you in my service. Anything less than perfection will be punished severely and corrected until you are perfect at all times. Do you understand?” It was adorable the way his eyes went to the floor and he nodded slowly. His penis was standing straight up when a tiny little voice spoke, “Yes, Mistress.” That is such a wonderful memory. This brought our relationship back to life and since then he always tries his best without complaint. He knows nothing is guaranteed. He loves that I bring out the best in him.

Now I feel almost silly when I think about it. The idea of rewarding him for something he is expected to do seems rather silly. I’m sure he would feel the same way. When he looks into my eyes and sees that I love him, that is the only reward he needs.


Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Pegging

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Pegging

Dear Ms. C.

Why do you peg your sub so much when you make it so obvious that he hates it?


It’s not really about what he likes or hates, is it?

Pegging has always been a bit of a turn on for me. It wasn’t long before I discovered the early generations of double-ended dildos that really gave it a life of its own. The Feeldoe and Nexus got me hooked and the Reverb* made it my activity of choice. There’s something powerful about having a cock between your legs. I want to touch it. I want to stroke it. Most of all, I want to fuck something with it. It makes me a bit crazy.

As for pegging my sub, do you really think I would do it as often as I do if he really liked it and wanted it? A large part of my enjoyment comes from knowing that he hates it. He hates it but suffers through it willingly for me to make me happy. In his tears I sense his devotion and love. It’s really quite romantic. I do make sure to give him some aftercare as I know how much it stresses him.

I do love milking him this way. I adore it when his locked up penis dribbles out a stream from me pegging him. I think I know what I’ll be doing tonight. *Grin*.

*A fictitious double-ended dildo that delivers a great amount of pleasure to the wearer when pressure is applied to the exposed end.


Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Jealousy

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Jealousy

Dear Ms. C.

I love reading your blog but any time you write about your friends using your sub it makes me cringe a little. Don’t you feel jealous when he does things for them? Whenever we go to gatherings or play parties I keep thinking, “hey, don’t touch my stuff,” if a woman gets anywhere near my sub.

-Domina Valerie

That is a very good question, Ms. Valerie.

I am very careful about who I let into my circle. I trust my friends deeply and have tremendous respect for them. When I temporary place my sub in their service I do not feel jealous at all. My friends may use him a bit but they do not wish either of us harm or wish to take him from me. My sub is so devoted to me that he is willing to serve them as he would me because he wants to represent me well to others. In these cases I think of it as offering to have him mow their lawn or loaning them a vibrator.

Outside of that, I try to be careful with what I expose my sub to. If I bring him someplace where he may be approached, that goes with the territory. I also have no problem with marking my territory. If someone continues to press and pry, wants to violate our personal space or the boundaries of respect and common decency, I will react. I tend to think of that as being more protective than jealous though. I am proud of my sub and do want others to know how proud of him I am and I will gladly show him off to those who wish to know more about him. I see their interest as more of a compliment to me than a worry about someone taking him.


Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Guilt

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Guilt

Dear Ms. C.

I absolutely adore your blog but I do have to ask. Do you ever feel guilty for putting your sub through so much?

-Ms. L.

Thank you, Ms. L. Guilt depends on a lot of things.

I have hurt my sub before. Hurt him badly. Hurt him by accident. Hurt him without meaning to. Hurt him because of decisions I have made. Yes, I feel terribly guilty for all of these things. I agonize over them when they happen. Sometimes I have to take a drive just so I can sit and cry. I talk to him about it. He always forgives me. He trusts that the bad things happen when I am thinking of the good of our relationship. I still feel bad, but I learn from it. I do not make the same mistakes twice.

As for normal, ordinary things like punishing him, denying him pleasure, or using him, I feel no guilt whatsoever. We both enjoy this. We both love each other. He thrives on being pushed deeper and deeper into submission. I love his willingness to bend and break under me. It feels so right, why should I feel guilty?

It takes time to reach this state. It doesn’t happen overnight. The loving bonds and trust must be grown organically and they cannot be rushed.


Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Fur

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 1.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Fur

Dear Ms. C.

I’ve been a long-time lurker and I love reading your blog. I’m just curious but what is it about fur that makes it such an important part of your relationship?

-Curious Observer

This is a very fair question, C.O., and I will try to answer it as best I can.

I love how fur feels. I love how it looks. I love how wearing it makes me feel. I left my previous career because I felt too cramped and stifled. When I emerged as a Domme I decided to focus on what I like and what feels good to me. I wear what I like and what makes me feel the best about myself. I like other things as well, but fur is one of my favorites.

The role of fur in our relationship is mutual. My sub loves the way that I dress. It turns him on and he can barely keep his eyes off of me. This makes both of us feel good and it goes back to the start of our relationship. We met on an adult dating site and my ad was titled, “Venus in Furs seeks a Severin to compliment her Wanda.”

I should add that my sub’s fur-trimmed maid’s uniform was originally the brainchild of my former sub, K. She twisted his fur fetish into something horribly embarrassing and dreadful. I keep it going because it amuses me.


Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Feminization

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 1.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Feminization

Dear Ms. C.

Why do you feminize your sub in such a way when he obviously dislikes it? Shouldn’t that kind of thing be consensual? Isn’t humiliating him like that a bit abusive? It seems cruel and unfair.


It seems I get asked questions like these about once a month. If you read my earlier Question & Answer posts you will see that I have answered these questions in some capacity several times over.

Our lifestyle is one that was built up slowly over deep levels of love and trust. We entered into this relationship with both eyes open. It was 100% consensual and I made no secret that I expected his total obedience. He promised he would do whatever it took to make me happy. I don’t understand how it can appear unfair for us to simply do what we agreed to do. He made his choice just as I made mine.

Cruel? Certainly. I first feminized him as part of one of his old fantasies and to display his new role in our household as my maid. I continue to feminize him because he dislikes it. It is a symbol of my control and power over him. It’s easy to make a sub do what he wants to do. I like watching a sub squirm as I order them to do what they do not want to do. Partly why I keep changing up his uniform is that I never want him to get used to it and have it feel normal.

I love watching him blush and the expression his face makes when he feels shame. I love seeing him squirm and writhe in his own skin when I show him off to my friends. This brings me hours of amusement every single day. I am absolutely certain if you asked him that he would rather suffer for my amusement than feel normal and deny me that pleasure. This is part of how we show our love for each other.

Humiliating? Absolutely. Abusive? Hardly.

If you wish to judge me for how the dynamics of our relationship differ from your ideas that is your loss. We have had eight happy years together to evolve us to this state and it is unlikely we will resemble some one-off BDSM scene between two parties who barely know each other.


Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Fantasy

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 5.


Cassandra’s Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Fantasy

Dear Ms. C.

Do you have any fantasies you have yet to experience? Please share them with us.


As much as I hate to cater to requests for masturbation fodder, you wrote in complete sentences and said please so I suppose I will answer this.

Ever since we acted out the slave fantasy I have been battling with the urge to evolve the dynamics in our relationship. The thought of completely enslaving him and reducing him to chattel just puts me into a spiral. Part of me wants it so badly but part of me wants to keep him as he is and once we make that step there is no turning back.

So yes, my fantasy is to reduce my sub to a slave with no rights and torment him on a daily basis like his feelings don’t matter at all. I want to be able to sell him if I chose to (even though I doubt I ever would). I want to replace his name with a number. I want him to be all mine and do with him what I please. I want power. I want control. I want them absolutely.

The thought of this breaks my heart but other organs find it quite appealing.


Fiction: fs01 - Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter: Chastity

Author’s Note: This bonus chapter is a mock Question and Answer session done by Cassandra on her blog. It could take place at any time after Arc 1.


Cassandra's Blog Bonus Chapter - Q & A: Chastity

Dear Ms. C.

You write about keeping your sub chaste on an almost permanent basis. I’m new to the lifestyle and just don’t understand what the appeal of chastity is for both Domme and sub. Would you please share your thoughts on what you like about it so that I can try to understand?


Thank you for the wonderful question, ShyMiss. I remember a time when chastity didn’t make sense to me either. I enjoy sex and the thought of removing that from the equation felt like I would be losing an intimate act that brings me pleasure. While I took control of my sub’s orgasms at the beginning of the relationship, it took several years before I put him in a chastity device. This was done at the behest of my former sub K, but somewhere down the road something changed.

I realized that I love control more than I love intercourse. I love that his pleasure and relief are kept under my lock and key. I love that his sexual frustration makes him ache for me. I love how every time he attempts an erection it reminds him of being owned. I love the way that prolonged chastity has changed how he thinks and has made him more submissive. His orgasms happen so infrequently that his entire focus is on my pleasure.

I still get a bit giddy when I think about it. I completely own his cock and I love it.

If I want to be completely honest, I have to say that there is a darker side at work here as well. My sub enjoys erections (he is a horny little slut). In our earlier days I used to love how perky it was when I would keep him naked and send him scurrying around the house, his penis bouncing around, all eager to please me. Now, I listen to the voice of my inner-sadist a little more. He loves his erections and that makes me want to take them away. Denying him such a simple pleasure mmm… I love it. That metal belt around his waist is truly unnecessary, I just can’t resist keeping him in it, knowing that it takes away something that he enjoys. The longer it stays this way the more I love it.

I still let him inside of me every so often, so it’s not like I do without it completely. I just make sure to wait until my desire to feel him outweighs my darker desires.


Sunday, May 28, 2017

Random Update

It looks like my job is safe for the time being, but nothing guaranteed.  If it falls apart it will be within the next 2-3 weeks but I at least have the comfort of knowing that I won't have to sue anyone to get paid. 

Thank you everyone that wrote to me with your support.  It means a lot to me. 

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

A week of uncertainty

Now is one of the times where D/s would help me out so much by keeping my mind in a better place.

It has been five days since learning my job may be in jeopardy.  It has been three days since we had a lawyer lie to us about wages and labor laws.  There is still no certainty about how things will play out nor whether I will be paid without a lawsuit. 

While searching through memories for the source of my job hunting anxiety I remembered some events that happened to me during my senior year of high school and immediately following graduation.  I couldn't get hired.  I was valedictorian and had solid references from my previous two jobs.  I applied anywhere locally that had help wanted signs and was willing to work for minimum wage.  The town was still lily white.  I even had a job that was lined up through a friend who was told if he was willing to vouch for my work ethic that I was as good as in.  Until I went in and met the person in charge of hiring.  They took one look at me and spent 30 minutes trying to talk me out of the job.  He told me he would call me back.  He never did.  His secretary finally broke me the news three weeks later that I wasn't getting hired.  She cited that it was because I wasn't 18 yet... which I might have believed if I hadn't been 8 months older than my friend. 

The summer before I left for college I couldn't get hired anywhere.  I was now a high school graduate with a diploma and no dice.  I even went to hiring fairs and the like.  When I applied at a convenience store a few miles from my house with a big help wanted sign behind the counter, I filled out the app and returned it to be told "we're not hiring anymore."  As a test my (white adopted) mother stopped by there two hours later and asked for an application for her son and if they were still hiring and she was told yes.  That was the last time I had any wonder about why I wasn't being hired... and it was the last time my mother ever gave me shit about not trying hard enough to find a full time job. 

It's kind of stupid that one of the reasons that I held the same job from age 13 to 18 was because I couldn't find other work. 

I know it's kind of stupid to be thinking about this 20 years later but faced with the prospect of searching for another job I'm feeling the demons brewing again and the anxiety keeps me feeling like I'm going to vomit for about 12 hours each day.  My psyche still remembers those struggles... being judged for the wrong reasons... an unwinnable battle.  It's one of the big reasons I stay at a job that is below my abilities. 

I'm at the point where I would take bad news just to have certainty.  I would rather know I have to face my demons than wonder if I will have to face them.  The anxiety is the same whether it's certain or not.  Rationally I know it's stupid to worry about something I can't control and hasn't happened yet.  That doesn't change the way that my stomach twists and turns with uncertainty.