A handful of discussions over the past couple of weeks as well as a blog post that got me thinking about my submission and how I have come to understand and explain it over the years.
Submission has become such a large part of who I am, what drives me, how I express love, how I accept love, and how I deal with the inner-workings of myself. There are so many reasons and so many needs and yearnings that it fills that I can't help but notice just how difference things appear when I explain what submission feels like vs. why I need it, why I submit, and so on.
Often when I write I allow the wave of feelings to overwhelm me and I simply let my heart bleed onto the keyboard, capturing the rush of impulses that warm my heart and focus my soul. The impulses lead to behaviors, habits, and natural inklings that encompass who I am when I love someone.
On the other hand, when I look to the course of my life and trace the paths that brought me here, the end results are cold and clinical. Logic and rational thought lead to outcomes that aren't poetic or romantic, but functional.
I do _______ because I need to feel ________. I need to feel _______ because _______ happened and screwed me up.
It feels so different from how things feel in the moment that I have to wonder if I am simply making up reasons so that I feel less strange.... less different... less awkward. Are reasons, absent of feelings, accurate reasons? If there is no motive behind the reasons, do they ever dictate actions?
I don't really know why I'm thinking about this. It isn't something that I ever really questioned before. A couple of weeks ago during an unrelated conversation with a friend I spoke the words: "You can explain it and find the reasons in it, but the fact that it happened doesn't make sense."
At the time, we were actually having a conversation about the failure of restaurants on the side of the metro area that we live in, but I couldn't help returning to those words when answering the simple question, "why do you submit?"
All of the logical reasoning has helped me find peace in my "vanilla mind" with my choice to live as a submissive... but I definitely have to consider that I just really, really, really love adoring the one that I love and my pursuit of making her ultimately happy makes me happy.
As I spin these words in my head I now remember why I have spent so much time in rational analysis... and that is that the love/happiness angle aren't good enough reasons for most people to accept. Do I really need to justify myself to others? No, but it does make things easier when people support your decisions because you could give a compelling explanation instead of having them treat you like you got overly drunk and woke up with a stupid tattoo.
