Friday, July 1, 2016

A Bad Block

I apologize for not posting any new fs01 chapters in a while.

A little over a week ago T and I got into a pretty bad argument.  It was enough to throw my sleep out of whack and hurt me deeply.  During my normal writing times I felt exhausted and my brain just wasn't able to get into it.  We patched things up where I communicated a lot of my feelings over the past month or two... one of which was that I am okay with continuing to wait for her to put things in her life in order and not expect any D/s for the time being.  I did let her know that submission is still a need for me and that I am using writing as my outlet for those needs.  Things seemed good but it took me a while to start settling down emotionally from this and I wasn't able to initiate a self-induced subspace to write from.

The other night T flew off the handle.  I am somewhat of a night owl and it has been fairly common over the years for her to fall asleep early and for me to stay up on the computer until I can fall asleep.  She generally sleeps heavily (e.g. she can fall asleep with the lights on and a movie playing loudly) and/or will use a sleep aid to assist.  Lately she has been a bit stressed and has avoided using said sleep aids.

I came into the room quietly and turned on my computer (no sound, just the monitor).  Apparently the light woke her up and she immediately started lashing out.  She attacked my need to write, calling it my "writing pathetic jerk-off fantasies."  I have to say this hurt me pretty deeply.  I did not sleep well and I'm feeling pretty screwed up inside.  This is kind of a symbol of how things deteriorated years before... I would share intimate and vulnerable details of my feelings only to have her use those in a specific attempt to hurt me later.

While I have made a few posts since then... I have not been able to get into subspace or write with any warmth in my heart.  It is a shitty feeling, especially when I wrote so strongly for about 6-7 weeks.

A little bit about my process for writing fs01... I have been told some of the writing feels fairly realistic.  Part of this stems from the fact that I have written the majority of the work from subspace.  I get into a bit of a trance and immerse in a world of mental images, acting, thinking, and reacting as if I was actually there.  Once I define the parameters of an external character, I can envision how they would think, react, and grow from the interactions. In this trance, the work almost writes itself.  It is exciting and I spend much of my day with ideas flowing into my head.  I have to make lots of notes in order to catch them all.

Now that I have been blocked from reaching this state... it is very frustrating.  I am also feeling wounds on my heart from the events that led to this.  In the past few days I have sat down to write part 33 four separate times.  I just can't come up with an idea that is strong enough to induce a subspace.  I'm not sure if the ideas aren't good or if it's just my emotions aren't allowing me to get there.  It is a bit of a bummer.

If I keep writing and the posts seem to be of random or odd topics, it's because I'm trying to get the subspace related feelings to kick back in.  I want to feel invigorated and joy from writing.  For the time being I'm searching for a way to get back there.

Staying Grounded

Well, I have to say that it was a pleasant surprise to have my last Sea of Thoughts post generate a lot of discussion.  Whenever I write on a fairly extreme subject I generally later feel a bit of remorse for isolating something in a petri dish and completely out of a lifestyle context.

That being said, this is my time now to re-center myself about said topics and try to move them back to within a context that is more meaningful.

When I first started in the lifestyle, K was very clear that she wanted me to have a big list of limits in order to keep my imagination from running wild and putting myself into a position for potential harm.  She was also fairly new to the dominant role and I think it also helped give her a framework to build upon.

The way she laid out the difference between hard and soft limits were:
-Hard limits should not be broken under any circumstance.
-Soft limits were things that provided significant mental/emotional resistance for the Domme to be aware of.  She felt breaking a soft limit should have a "good reason" for doing so.

Originally I started off with roughly 10 hard limits and 12-15 soft limits.  As time has passed, relationships have grown, and I have acclimated more in my submission.  Soft limits are rare.  Hard limits are few and far between, but represent things that are important to me.

Some of these hard limits are common sense:
-Nothing illegal.
-Nothing involving animals or children.
-Nothing "life ruining."  Basically, nothing that would prevent being able to live a normal life if the relationship were to end.

One of these hard limits is for safety's sake:
-Nothing that would prevent exercising proper hygiene.

One of these is for my own mental/emotional well-being:
-No sexual contact with other men.

I will not partake in relationships where these limits will not be respected.

I have come to think upon soft limits as being conditional limits.  My willingness to partake in these would be heavily dependent upon the relationship and situation.  Without the security of marriage, some activities would be considered hard limits of mine, e.g. cuckolding.  I still consider public humiliation to be a soft limit, but it is one that has been broken several times over.

Chastity and forced feminization started out as soft limits.   Those limits have since been lifted for the most part and they both originated with behavioral correction/control in mind.  The logical battle easily overpowered my mental resistance and I accepted them.  Anal play was a hard limit of mine for 7 years.  I relaxed it willingly, but it was my attempt to salvage a relationship that was drifting apart.  

Another thing worthy of note is that I do not submit to just anyone.  I do not submit to just any woman.  For me to truly submit and be vulnerable, it requires love.  I have to love.  There must be a relationship that it is built around.  It is not just sex or play.  Submission isn't casual to me.  It is a lifestyle.  Without love and trust in place, it just doesn't happen for me.

To be with a woman and give her my all... that is what drives me.  To cherish her, love her, and please her, those are my goals.  I want to be worthy of her love even if that is never truly possible.  I'm actually a pretty hopeless romantic.

I really do love watching a Domme grow over time.  Watching her desires change, escalate, and intensify exhilarates me.  As D/s increases, so does the intimacy and strength of our bond.  The farther I am pushed, the closer I feel... the more special things feel... the more irreplaceable her love becomes.

I won't lie, submission intoxicates me.  I love it.  I need it.  But I do stay grounded.  I need love.  I need trust.  There are times where I need tenderness and closeness more than D/s dynamics. What really separates reality from fantasy for me is love.

I hope this makes some sense. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

A Sea of Thoughts: Because I Hate it

Lady Grey's comments really got my mental gears turning on this.  This is one of those cases where I feel like trying to understand the D/s dynamic and submissive response is buried under many complicated layers.

I've scraped the surface of this in the past and my tears post after Reflections covered it a bit.

If I had to describe my greatest submissive need, I would say it is subspace.  Not the masochistic high  that is sometimes described after pain or impact play, but straight up "mental bondage."  I crave to be forced into the deep end of the pool.  To sink into its depths and feel my ego die and persona shift catering entirely to her.

Unfortunately with subspace, our triggers eventually become ordinary.  If we are no longer bothered by them to the same extent mentally/emotionally and if we have confidence in our abilities to endure and perform with those triggers present, they just don't sting in the same way.  Our emotional capacity adapts.  It requires something else to "get us there."

Now don't get me wrong, simple sets of rules, rituals, and behaviors are enough to push me into subspace and enjoy waiting on a woman hand and foot, pleasuring her, worshipping her, and loving her with my entire being.  Here I am referring to that place where I mentally adhere to the ideas that she determines what is right or wrong, deserved or undeserved, and so on.  This is the place where she truly becomes a Goddess.

Over the years I have noticed a few trends in dynamics that often get treated as being the same, when they are in fact a little bit different.  Namely, there is a difference between doing something you don't want to do vs. doing something you have said you don't want to do.

An easy example of this is ordering a sub to wear panties.  This will likely embarrass him a bit, make him self-conscious, and while wearing them, he is likely to be more docile and obedient.  I believe the resulting change in behavior and attitude/demeanor are his mind coping with doing something he did not want to do.  He didn't ask to wear panties, the choice was forced on him.  He doesn't want to wear panties, but the thought of being disobedient is worse.  While he accepts this rationally, it affects him internally, pushing him into a new form of subspace.  At its root, I believe this is an example of what happens when you are forced to do something you do not want to do.  The reasons may differ, avoiding punishment, wanting to please her, etc. but it does require coping. 

There is a deeper level of this and I think this is what tends to "do it" for my subspace the most.  Taking that same example, let's say that at the beginning of the relationship the sub stated outright that any type of feminization was a soft limit.  That is, panties would be something they would not reject, but it is something they wished to avoid unless she REALLY wanted it or had a very good reason for it.  If she orders him to wear panties under these terms, the sub has to deal with the same emotional hurdles as the previous example, but it's magnified by the fact that he overtly stated it was something he did not want. 

From my experiences this forces the brain into an even more difficult position.  "She knew I didn't want this and she did it anyways."  This is fairly jarring emotionally.  It stings worse than the previous case.  It has a stronger effect on a sub and their space. 

What can follow is also very critical in how this affects the sub.  In most cases, I believe if a Domme chooses to push a sub past known soft limits, she will generally share a reason  as to why (he may ask or she may share it openly).  The reason given can dull or increase the sting.  If she responds with "I wanted to increase the power of my dominance and the depth of your submission," or "I want you to be more docile," these are reasons that a submissive can process logically and agree with. 

There are an entire spectrum of responses that reinforce the D/s dynamic and vary the intensity of feelings within a sub.  The "better" the reason she provides, the easier it is to bear.  The more the sub can use logic to agree to it, the less it will torture him inside.
"Because it amuses me." -> I bear with it because I would not want to deprive her pleasure.
"Because it's cute when you blush." -> I bear with it because it touches her and feeds her dominance.
"Because I like to see you squirm." -> I bear with it because it feeds her dominance.

At some point of increasing intensity we reach a line in the sand where it requires more emotional sacrifice to handle it.
"Because I felt like it."
"Because I can."
"Because I was bored."
"There is no reason."

As this continues we approach the final line in the sand.  At this point a sub can no longer rationalize it. 
"Because you don't want to do it."
"Because it makes you uncomfortable."

And at the very bottom lies: "I'm making you do this because I know that you hate it."

I can't think of a reason that would sting worse than this.  This reason alone is enough to push things deep into subspace, no matter what the activity is, hell it could be eating badly prepared lima beans.  It just leaves you feeling completely defeated. 

Looking back upon why pegging is showing up in fs01 when I/he hates it... I think it's in order to live vicariously as I write and remember the feeling of my spirit being crushed as I endured something that was a hard limit of mine for 7 years.  I hated it, it felt terrible, it made me feel terrible inside... but it also pushed me so far into the deep end that I felt... completely 100% owned.

A few Questions about Milking

I'm trying to solidify my ideas for the progression of Arc 6.  I was wondering if there is anyone out there with enough experience with prostate milking that might be able to answer some questions for me.  I don't want to spoil it before I write it but I want to make sure something is logistically possible before I try to write it and this is beyond my scope of experience.

If there is anyone who might be able to answer some questions on this subject via email I would appreciate it a lot.

Thanks in advance.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

A Sea of Thoughts: Blog Reading

I did something I haven't done in a while yesterday: I read an entire Domme blog from start to finish.  I realized that I had only read a handful of posts there before, it was a blog that I discovered during my down years and hadn't gone back to give it a thorough read.

I should note that I really enjoy doing this but it can be a bit daunting if the blog has more than 50 posts.  It is a pleasure to watch someone grow as a blogger and how this often parallels growth in D/s.  Those early posts are often so carefully crafted and selective.  What they choose to share and show us.  What ideas and philosophies they want their initial foray into the web to see.  We get a snapshot of them as a starting point.  A reference point to watch change and expand.

I have to admit, reading early posts from a Domme usually make me feel self-conscious.  I think "wow, I must seems like some crazy freakazoid if they are reading my stuff."  Those initial feelings are often put to rest as the blog progresses.  I watch them change.  I watch those principles and ideals that were shown at the start morph.  This eases my own feelings as I watch them grow.

This often happens with a beginning of "I can't understand why someone would want ______," and a year later, "I got curious about _______ and I like it."    It is a joy to watch someone unlock the merits of a new fetish or activity and see how it speaks to them.  It makes me feel confident that my own views and ideas about how people evolve in D/s are fairly accurate.  It also makes me believe that people can reach a point where they can understand me.

I find very little out there about deep submission.  The kind where a sub just gives all of themselves and feels their psyche prodded and pushed and driven to a very intense level of love, obedience, and devotion.  I half-believe that most subs in this position simply aren't granted computer privileges.  I think others just don't feel the need to write about or share these feelings with the world.  At times this makes me feel a bit invisible but I know there are others out there like me.

I think it is this side of myself that leads to the biggest feelings of self-consciousness when reading Domme blogs.  I'm not a door mat, but I will submit to almost anything in the dynamic when I love the woman I serve.  The submission is rooted in love and not fantasy.  The love is deep and real.  Intense D/s amplifies the feelings of both submission and love.  At times it seems like the idea of this goes beyond what people are willing to believe, but I see enough of it out there to know I am not alone.

A Sea of Thoughts: The Value of Fantasy

I feel a bit like a hypocrite... but it seems the easiest way for me to have random ideas pop into my head is to actually write that I'm out of ideas or don't feel like writing.

Over the past few weeks I have read a lot of blogs and comments that downplay fantasy.  They want real life.  Current thoughts.  Current experiences.  At first this made me a bit self-conscious but after letting it stew for some time I realized something.

While I can understand someone's desire to only expose themselves to reality, I think in many ways fantasy gets devalued too much.

I think it's safe to say that the majority of exposure to D/s for us started with exploring fantasy through porn, fiction, writing, and the like.  Our minds take the plunge into a world where our hearts and bodies aren't yet ready to go.

I read a lot about the struggle with getting a submissive male to "spill their guts" about the present.  Attempts to pry what makes them tick are often met with resistance, difficulty communicating, and the like.  I think in some cases the root is vulnerability and in others, he often just doesn't know.

fs01 and a few entries on other blogs got me thinking a lot about K's early assignments in our relationship.  She wanted me to compose a new fantasy every day for a month that had to relate to my fantasies, things I was curious about, and things I thought she would enjoy.  Back then I thought she just wanted to understand how to guide things but in hindsight I think there was a lot more value to this.

After about 5 fantasies it was probably clear just what made me tick as a submissive.  After about 10 it was probably clear which soft limits I wanted to stretch and/or break.  After a few more she probably knew which parts of this fed her Domspace.

I can fully admit it was easier for me to write about something I thought I might want in a fully open and honest way.  It was just curiosity.  It was a lot smaller of a mental hurdle than trying to accept my needs when I wasn't even comfortable about having them.  It allowed me to show more of myself than I would have by just talking about the now.

It is VERY easy to read a fantasy written by a sub and tell which things get them going.  The detail level is just too great in certain areas.  You'll find a paragraph and a half describing her shoes... guess what, they have a shoe fetish.  Great detail about a certain mental game, a lot can be learned here.  Fantasy gives a road map on how to easily connect with a sub's subspace and how to properly/easily manipulate it.    I find this quite interesting.

On another level, I think that fantasy serves a meaningful role for both Dommes and subs.  When we allow for the growth of the relationship as well as evolution of ourselves as Dominants and submissives, we inherently change.  Fantasy gives us an idea of what that might be like or who we might want to be when that process occurs.  This can be on a small or large level.  If a sub fantasizes about his name taken away and replaced with a "pet name" to be used whenever privacy allows, why not?  If a Domme fantasizes about taking that next level of control and wants to inject chastity into the situation, why not?

Ideas of what we might like fuel where we go to next.  They aren't always successful or work with real logistics, but they give some form of direction.  This is easier than flying blind.

I think there is a tendency for people to get a bit psyched out by fantasy when it reaches an intense level.  I believe a key here is to avoid comparing yourself to someone's fantasy.  Do not focus upon how you differ from a character in the fantasy, but look at what parts of that character you connect with or might like to be.  When someone shares a fantasy their intent isn't to make someone else feel self-conscious or lesser, they are communicating in a very honest way and displaying the workings of their space.

I guess I just see fantasy as something intimate, valuable, and a tool for providing insight into how people work and what can be in the future.  It is a safe way to explore "what ifs?" without risking emotional or physical harm.  It is a safe way to share thoughts, ideas, and needs, without worrying about someone rejecting the current you.

I will add this.  There is a point where fantasy can be unhealthy and obsessive.  It can create unrealistic expectations and make unreasonable demands.  One of the keys here is to talk about fantasies with your partner.  Communicate about what you see as being the draws and themes.  Find which parts are necessary and which are fluff.   Talk about what you enjoy from their fantasies.  Hear about what they enjoy about yours.  Communication is at the root of all of this, as with most things that involve relationships.  As long as things stay open, fantasy can be a very valuable tool for understanding one another.

Looking back on the past few weeks...

Sorry for the waste of a post here.  I'm very tired right now but letting my fingers wander upon the keys.

I'm looking back and realizing that I made 171 blog posts since May 9th.  Seeing that fs01 is currently at over 91k words (41 posts) and Reflections pulled in at 34k words (23 posts), that is a lot of writing. 

It is probably obvious to some that since I have returned this blog has filled a major hole in my life.  I wrote in lieu of social contact.  I attempted on several levels to reach out to others with extremely mixed results.  Thankfully things are changing a bit.

I have managed to rebuild a bit of a support system.  There are a handful of people I have been corresponding with in private fairly regularly.  This has provided a good outlet to converse in and has helped me feel a lot more stable and comfortable with myself.  The contact I was seeking is now present and it calms my heart a lot.  I no longer get the frantic urge to write.  The downside (or upside) of this is that I probably will not be writing as much.  I want to continue with fs01 and will probably pop in with a few other posts now and then as the urge arises, but that huge wave of feelings that I was riding has faded out quite a bit.

I will still take requests if people would like me to talk about a topic or if anyone has questions about experiences that I have had over the years.  Overall, fewer posts probably means I'm in a better mental and emotional state.

I know that every time I have written that I'm slowing down I end up making like 5 posts the next day, but this time I feel like it is real unless something manages to inspire me in a way that I can't currently anticipate.

fs01 Arc 6 thoughts before I get too deep.

After writing part 32 (and starting 33) I have to feel a bit guilty at amping up the D/s intensity again.  My idea for arc 6 is a bit more event/environment based vs concept based.  I seem to feel the need to evolve the characters and dynamics based upon their previous experiences.  I truly hope that this doesn't end up eroding the emotional intimacy between Cassandra and fs or put it too far into the realm of fantasy for people to digest.

It does, however, feel more realistic to let the dynamics of the relationship change over time.  Static is doable, but seems less likely to happen in a D/s relationship that has some very intense dynamics... constant change feels closer to how things have been in my own experiences and the experiences I have read from others.  e.g. if Cassandra felt her dark side awaken by the events of Arc 5, but in conflict with her emotional and rational self, increasing the intensity to a happy medium feels closer to how she might form a compromise: gradually unleash the darkness without completely destroying fs's sense of self or jeopardizing their meaningful intimacy. 

Does anyone agree with any of this?  Disagree?  I guess I'm just looking for some feedback before I get 5,000 words into the arc.

I have already found at least one item I plan to "undo" at the end of the arc but I will let it fester as Cass builds up her desire to restore it over time.