Tuesday, November 22, 2016


As my depression riddled brain continues to wander, I've been trying to come up with some ideas for where to go with fs01 if/when I get around to finishing Arc 6.

When I started writing it, I wanted to create something that felt believable.  I won't try to claim it's realistic, but I wanted to include a variety of factors that would create a situation that seemed reasonable if someone were faced with it.  This required including a lot of conditionals.

I know that in relationships conditionals are often seen as negative things.  People desire unconditional love.  They want to feel like there is full acceptance of things as they are and if people feel the need to interject conditionals, that it is somehow impure.

D/s opens a strange can of worms in that conditionals often serve as safety checks.  A horny sub can get into lots of trouble if these aren't in place, so concepts such as hard limits, safe words, and the like are conditionals that come into play, especially in newer relationships.

I think the majority of TPE relationships are formed upon either stated or implied conditionals, which oddly enough, goes against the idea of TPE.  If someone is truly a slave, they have no right or power to negotiate the terms of their slavery.  Once you are a slave, rights and power no longer apply.  With that in mind, conditionals serve as our "voice of reason" when making a conscious choice that puts us in an irrational position. 

I would have to believe that a male sub that agrees to be a slave, does so on the (at least implied) agreement that they will be cared for and kept by their owner.  Without this sort of basic protection it becomes much more difficult to give up your rights.

In fs01, a lot of my own personal requirements are on display.  What would I need in order to accept the conditions/lifestyle put forth by Cassandra? 
In the first arc this is rectified by their initial labor contract that binds them to each other.  While he cannot leave, she cannot leave him.  This is at the core of my own abandonment issues and along the lines of what I might require to give up my own livelihood and freedom.  

The idea that I'm tossing around for Arc 7 (or wrapping up to a finale) is Cassandra's understanding that fs isn't really a slave since he is protected.  Reaching the ultimate dynamic can only happen if fs's protections are stripped from the situation, which would involve a contract renegotiation in her favor, divorce, and the like.  I'm not sure I care to go down this path or "end it" under these terms but I have to say that it's on my mind.  I hate potentially spoiling the future storyline but I'm really trying to get myself back to a writing state of mind.

Analyzing the fantasy: Permanence

I'm pretty sure I've written about this at some point in time but here it goes again.

As I find myself looking for ways to motivate myself to get back to finishing up fs01, my mind has lingered around the fantasy land and continues to circle around the theme of permanence.

I find this theme is very common in D/s fiction, especially shorter works.  On its surface level it seems a bit odd that would crave or fantasize about irreversible events that either cannot be undone or imply some form of finality, but looking at it from a "wank fodder" perspective it becomes easier to see just what lies at its core.

While we may gloss over submission as something we do willingly and with enthusiasm, I have come to believe what what really taps into the nature of subspace is a bit contrary to that.  If everything a submissive did was something they truly wanted to do (e.g. they would choose this action ahead of an alternative), would there really be a need for power/status/dominance?

I believe that in many ways we portray D/s as more of a symbiotic relationship where actions from both parties run parallel with a predetermined focus (e.g. the Domme's pleasure/benefit).  While I agree much of what constitutes Femdom relationships consists of this and this is the foundation of "consent," I believe the differences in power/status bring about a completely different dynamic.

While many submissives (myself included) thoroughly enjoy serving and pampering a Domme, the key points that tug at my submissive heart strings are this:  She never has to do what she does not want to do.  She can make me do what I do not want to do.

That is not to say that a submissive cannot resist the Domme's wishes, it's that the sub faces consequences for their resistance.   At its basest level, I believe that is the essence of the power inequality, especially if the price for saying no is worse than going along with things.  This is the underlying tone that frequently goes unspoken... as it's just how things are.

Personally, I find that one of my strongest subspace triggers falls here; the idea that she can impose her will upon me and I may experience discomfort or displeasure that I cannot control.  This notion is where I find permanence to have its strongest pull.

If we list off some common permanent Femdom fantasies:
"You will NEVER have another orgasm."
"You will NEVER have another erection."
"You will NEVER be allowed inside me again."

In most Femdom relationships, none of these are very attractive realities for the Domme.  Having their sub lust for them is a big part of sexuality and feeling attractive.  Having him desperate to cum is frequently entertaining and a source of control.  None of these are really conducive to lifestyle D/s, but they do manage very well in the wank-fodder fantasy realm because they are intense themes that hit squarely in the heart of subspace. 

These are things that a sub (likely) holds very dear and would not want to lose.  Since fantasy doesn't have a long run, there's no need to dwell upon the long-run future, despair, and possible depression that results from it.  There's no need to worry about the deterioration of physical intimacy or loss of self-motivation.  In fantasy, all we need to look at is the emotional wound, the sense of immediate loss, and the drastic display of power that just occurred.  He is nothing.  She is everything. 

I think under those terms it can work as a short-run fantasy but it requires ignoring a lot of long-term ramifications.

Monday, November 21, 2016


Nothing kinky here...

With the holidays approaching I find myself balancing the double-edged sword that the holidays bring.

I love gift giving.  I enjoy the challenge of finding gifts that the receiver will truly enjoy within budgetary constraints.  I believe that giving a good gift is a sign that you can truly understand someone... what makes them tick... and why they like the things that they do.

The major downside I tend to find with holidays is dealing with family. I am not close to my family.  I despise the "game" of it all.  Seeing people that pretend to be nice knowing full well how they actually feel will differ from what they display.

I've been accused over the years of not being "nice," which I can agree with completely... but rarely are people able to say that I am not "good."  I'm the friend that will drop anything when a friend is in need.  I will be there through thick and thin, good and bad, and able to step up and be strong when they need me.  Growing up in the midwest... which is the hotbed of passive-aggressive behavior has always been rough on me.  I don't pretend to be nice.  I don't give false compliments.  I say what I mean and I mean what I say.  This catches many people off-guard, and it isn't long before very few people see me as "nice."

On the flip-side, I don't pretend to be nice to people I don't like.  If they ask me why I will give an honest answer.  I don't go on and on with empty praise, only to tear them down behind their back as soon as they leave the room.  This sort of behavior is one of the easiest ways for me to lose respect for someone because it leads me to believe that I can't trust their words at face value... and I also know that if they are talking shit about someone to me, they are talking shit about me to someone else. 

In some ways I tend to straddle the two coasts.  I'm east coast enough to be straight forward.  I'm west coast enough to only care when it's something important.  In either case, I will take "good" over "nice" any day of the week.

It is during the holidays that I get most acutely aware of this game.  In my day to day life I tend to avoid it as much as possible but knowing that this sort of interaction is inevitable tends to sour my mood even before it happens.