If you could magically be reborn as a different person of the same age of either gender with a determined set of BDSM tastes, what would you choose to be? I know this question may not interest some while others may have pondered this before, if only for a brief moment.
Dominant Woman?
Dominant Man?
Submissive Woman?
Submissive man?
If you chose to be a Dominant, what gender of sub(s) would you prefer?
If you chose to be a submissive, what gender of Dominant would you prefer to serve?
Personally I would choose to remain a submissive man serving a Dominant woman. I just struggle to see myself any other way. I suppose being a submissive woman serving a Dominant woman might be interesting as I've always wondered what it felt like to be and feel sexy. On the flip-side, I find there's such a strange and alluring sensation when your penis turns on and your brain shuts off, causing you to go along with anything your Mistress wants (even if you find it unpleasant) and unable to say no. I'm not sure if female subs go through that same kind of experience but I would be interested to find out.
Any thoughts?
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Thoughts on the Vanilla to D/s Conversion Techniques
Something that popped into my head tonight is the almost uniform approach by men to introducing a bit of kink into a vanilla relationship. It's kind of an odd one as you'll find an almost identical word-for-word methodology for guiding a relationship towards Femdom, chastity, etc.
They all seem to say the same things:
-Get your man to be more obedient and better behaved.
-Be happier because your man is more obedient and better behaved.
-Make sure your needs are met because they obviously aren't being met as well with the status quo.
-Get your man to do everything you don't want to do yourself.
I know there's more reasons, but as a whole that seems to be the standardized approach to the subject.
It can be effective but it also fails in a lot of ways. I've found it actually works better introducing this idea to women when they are single and not as well in long-term relationships and marriages. Why not?
From what I can tell its trade offs aren't really an apples to apples comparison. We are all of a sudden looking at sexual power vs. ease of lifestyle. Turn your man on and he will become a cooking, cleaning, ironing machine that will never embarrass you in front of your friends.
If men really want their wives/girlfriends to gain a similar pleasure I'm curious why they don't try a slightly different approach. Why doesn't he just say "Honey, I want you to be the all-powerful Sex Goddess who has me at your beck and call. I want to grant you ultimate pleasure and happiness and worship your divinity. Please grant my wish and accept my love and devotion,"?
I realize this may lead to some problems as wanting her to assume a new role implies that she wasn't always the all-powerful Sex Goddess, but for relationships that don't have as much spark as they did in the first few months, I think most reasonable people would be able to see things in a realistic light.
It seems to me that if he wants her to embrace his sexual submissive nature, shouldn't he want her to embrace a sexual dominant nature? To me, it seems most women especially those who may struggle with self-confidence or self-esteem might enjoy this a whole lot more. If they feel loved and appreciated on a greater level than they are accustomed to, wouldn't this do more to unlock a dominant personality?
It seems that if things were instigated in the bedroom and slowly bleeding it into daily life with chivalry and servitude vanilla women might be more open to this lifestyle. It just makes more sense to me that if she is brimming with self-confidence and sexual power that she is more likely to embrace a man that will take care of the mundane daily tasks.
I could be wrong here but this seems to be a bit more consistent with Femdom guides written by women for women. I've always felt that dominance is rooted in self-confidence and self-esteem and the male-conjured approaches tend to be a bit misguided in that regards. If I had to bet on it I'd wager that the "nothing says 'I love you' like a clean house" just doesn't hit the right places in a woman's heart.
It seems that tag-lines like these might be more effective:
-Orgasm like never before.
-Feel the intense burning passion of your man's love whenever you want it.
-Feel like the sexiest woman on the planet when he's near you.
Assuming that women are less sexual in nature than men is a big mistake IMO.
Any comments?
They all seem to say the same things:
-Get your man to be more obedient and better behaved.
-Be happier because your man is more obedient and better behaved.
-Make sure your needs are met because they obviously aren't being met as well with the status quo.
-Get your man to do everything you don't want to do yourself.
I know there's more reasons, but as a whole that seems to be the standardized approach to the subject.
It can be effective but it also fails in a lot of ways. I've found it actually works better introducing this idea to women when they are single and not as well in long-term relationships and marriages. Why not?
From what I can tell its trade offs aren't really an apples to apples comparison. We are all of a sudden looking at sexual power vs. ease of lifestyle. Turn your man on and he will become a cooking, cleaning, ironing machine that will never embarrass you in front of your friends.
If men really want their wives/girlfriends to gain a similar pleasure I'm curious why they don't try a slightly different approach. Why doesn't he just say "Honey, I want you to be the all-powerful Sex Goddess who has me at your beck and call. I want to grant you ultimate pleasure and happiness and worship your divinity. Please grant my wish and accept my love and devotion,"?
I realize this may lead to some problems as wanting her to assume a new role implies that she wasn't always the all-powerful Sex Goddess, but for relationships that don't have as much spark as they did in the first few months, I think most reasonable people would be able to see things in a realistic light.
It seems to me that if he wants her to embrace his sexual submissive nature, shouldn't he want her to embrace a sexual dominant nature? To me, it seems most women especially those who may struggle with self-confidence or self-esteem might enjoy this a whole lot more. If they feel loved and appreciated on a greater level than they are accustomed to, wouldn't this do more to unlock a dominant personality?
It seems that if things were instigated in the bedroom and slowly bleeding it into daily life with chivalry and servitude vanilla women might be more open to this lifestyle. It just makes more sense to me that if she is brimming with self-confidence and sexual power that she is more likely to embrace a man that will take care of the mundane daily tasks.
I could be wrong here but this seems to be a bit more consistent with Femdom guides written by women for women. I've always felt that dominance is rooted in self-confidence and self-esteem and the male-conjured approaches tend to be a bit misguided in that regards. If I had to bet on it I'd wager that the "nothing says 'I love you' like a clean house" just doesn't hit the right places in a woman's heart.
It seems that tag-lines like these might be more effective:
-Orgasm like never before.
-Feel the intense burning passion of your man's love whenever you want it.
-Feel like the sexiest woman on the planet when he's near you.
Assuming that women are less sexual in nature than men is a big mistake IMO.
Any comments?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
On Parade In Fur
First off, I will say that I didn't write this. I found this years ago on the old NTC message board and ended up saving a copy of it. I can't very if it is truth or fiction or a combination of the two (embellished truth).
I do think it is a fairly interesting read if your mind works anything like mine does. What is quite striking is the Domme's ability to get into his head. She knows exactly what to say and do to heighten his awareness of the situation and make him squirm. Basically, it's a near-perfect mind fuck. At the same time, its perfection is what may make it fiction. Who knows.
The post was entitled: On Parade In Fur.
A couple years ago, my wife decided that we would go to the Grey Cup, which is the annual Canadian Football League final game. It is a week long celebration, and that year it was in Regina. In November. Which
means it was cold!
There is always a parade, and we wanted to go and see it. But when it came time to get dressed to leave the motel room, my wife told me that she wanted me to wear her fur coat. Her long, Blue Fox fur coat. I had not even realized that she had brought it with her, but she opened her extra suitcase, and there it was.
I told her that I could not possibly wear it, it was a girl's coat! She made it crystal clear to me that I would wear it or else! And one minute later, I WAS wearing it, as she did up the row of fasteners. That completed, she got the matching hat, and put it on my head, and finally, she reached for the muff, and with it, a handfull of those plastic wire ties that tradesmen use for securing almost everything.
These were larger, heavier, thicker ties than I had seen before. She quickly put one about each wrist, and pulled them almost snug, with just a tiny bit of slack, but they were obviously not going to come off without being cut off.
Next, she slipped one extra long wire tie under the each of the wrist ties, threaded them through the huge blue fox muff, and then threaded the pointed end of each tie into the clasp of the other. She simply grabbed the two pointed ends, one in each hand, and pulled them apart. My hands were drawn tightly into the muff, until they were pulled completely together. She carefully cut the ends of the ties that were sticking out of the muff, and then got herself ready to go.
She had to open the motel room and car doors for me. I was all wrapped up in her furs, and quite unable to get my hands free to do anything for myself.
Regina is an easy town to drive around in, and we quickly arrived at the place where we had planned to watch the parade. We were just about settled, when my wife decided to cross the street, to watch from the
other side.
There were few people around, and we were soon at her chosen spot. We stood right on the curb, behind the barriers. There would be no one in front, blocking our view.
My wife bent down, apparently to tie her boots. Before I knew what she was doing, she had slipped two of the heavy plastic cable ties around my ankles, binding them tightly together. And then, to my amazement,
she took a short length of dull chain, and locked one end of the chain around a nearby parking metre post, and locking the other end to the cable ties securing my ankles. "There you are", she said.
She then explained that she planned to watch the parade from the other side of the street, because the sun would be in her eyes on this side. But she said she thought that I should be on this side, and that the bright sun would make it easier for the television cameras that would be coming along with the parade, to get clear pictures of me. And they would, she assured me, want to take lots of shots of the girl shrouded in the huge soft warm fur coats, head to toe. Hopefully, none of the shots will be really tight close ups, or some of your friends back home and at work may get quite a surprise!
"Don't be looking around, or at the ground, or people will think you are behaving oddly, and that will only get more attention. Watch the parade, and smile. If you don't, I will go back to the motel room without you, and you can stay here until you have to ask the police to cut you free."
She went back across the street, and smiled at me. The sidewalks were beginning to fill up, and within three hours, the parade had passed.
I had not been discovered. I had stood, bound and helpless, the whole time. No one stood in front of me. I was in full view. A fine looking girl, shrouded in a cloud of huge soft fur. The tapes of the parade showed that VERY clearly.
As everyone else was dispersing, she came back over, told me she was going for a coffee and a sandwich, and I could stay there and wait. I did, for another hour. Finally, she was back, bending over to tie her
boots, and quickly snipping the cable ties and releasing the locks. It was all done in seconds.
She put her hand in the crook of my furry elbow, and led me back to the car, where she described what "rewards" I would get when we got back to the motel.
I do think it is a fairly interesting read if your mind works anything like mine does. What is quite striking is the Domme's ability to get into his head. She knows exactly what to say and do to heighten his awareness of the situation and make him squirm. Basically, it's a near-perfect mind fuck. At the same time, its perfection is what may make it fiction. Who knows.
The post was entitled: On Parade In Fur.
A couple years ago, my wife decided that we would go to the Grey Cup, which is the annual Canadian Football League final game. It is a week long celebration, and that year it was in Regina. In November. Which
means it was cold!
There is always a parade, and we wanted to go and see it. But when it came time to get dressed to leave the motel room, my wife told me that she wanted me to wear her fur coat. Her long, Blue Fox fur coat. I had not even realized that she had brought it with her, but she opened her extra suitcase, and there it was.
I told her that I could not possibly wear it, it was a girl's coat! She made it crystal clear to me that I would wear it or else! And one minute later, I WAS wearing it, as she did up the row of fasteners. That completed, she got the matching hat, and put it on my head, and finally, she reached for the muff, and with it, a handfull of those plastic wire ties that tradesmen use for securing almost everything.
These were larger, heavier, thicker ties than I had seen before. She quickly put one about each wrist, and pulled them almost snug, with just a tiny bit of slack, but they were obviously not going to come off without being cut off.
Next, she slipped one extra long wire tie under the each of the wrist ties, threaded them through the huge blue fox muff, and then threaded the pointed end of each tie into the clasp of the other. She simply grabbed the two pointed ends, one in each hand, and pulled them apart. My hands were drawn tightly into the muff, until they were pulled completely together. She carefully cut the ends of the ties that were sticking out of the muff, and then got herself ready to go.
She had to open the motel room and car doors for me. I was all wrapped up in her furs, and quite unable to get my hands free to do anything for myself.
Regina is an easy town to drive around in, and we quickly arrived at the place where we had planned to watch the parade. We were just about settled, when my wife decided to cross the street, to watch from the
other side.
There were few people around, and we were soon at her chosen spot. We stood right on the curb, behind the barriers. There would be no one in front, blocking our view.
My wife bent down, apparently to tie her boots. Before I knew what she was doing, she had slipped two of the heavy plastic cable ties around my ankles, binding them tightly together. And then, to my amazement,
she took a short length of dull chain, and locked one end of the chain around a nearby parking metre post, and locking the other end to the cable ties securing my ankles. "There you are", she said.
She then explained that she planned to watch the parade from the other side of the street, because the sun would be in her eyes on this side. But she said she thought that I should be on this side, and that the bright sun would make it easier for the television cameras that would be coming along with the parade, to get clear pictures of me. And they would, she assured me, want to take lots of shots of the girl shrouded in the huge soft warm fur coats, head to toe. Hopefully, none of the shots will be really tight close ups, or some of your friends back home and at work may get quite a surprise!
"Don't be looking around, or at the ground, or people will think you are behaving oddly, and that will only get more attention. Watch the parade, and smile. If you don't, I will go back to the motel room without you, and you can stay here until you have to ask the police to cut you free."
She went back across the street, and smiled at me. The sidewalks were beginning to fill up, and within three hours, the parade had passed.
I had not been discovered. I had stood, bound and helpless, the whole time. No one stood in front of me. I was in full view. A fine looking girl, shrouded in a cloud of huge soft fur. The tapes of the parade showed that VERY clearly.
As everyone else was dispersing, she came back over, told me she was going for a coffee and a sandwich, and I could stay there and wait. I did, for another hour. Finally, she was back, bending over to tie her
boots, and quickly snipping the cable ties and releasing the locks. It was all done in seconds.
She put her hand in the crook of my furry elbow, and led me back to the car, where she described what "rewards" I would get when we got back to the motel.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
submissive Desires, Selfishness, and Responsibility
Lady Grey's recent comments on my previous post got me thinking on a related, but different subject. I have dabbled on this subject a bit on previous posts as well but I'm going to explore it briefly, time permitting.
I am a submissive with a desire for deep submission. Through my experiences I have discovered my own particular fetishes as well as how certain things affect me. A while back I had posted that submission is like altruism, you do it for someone else but you also do it for yourself because you like how it makes you feel.
I find that many things in the D/s lifestyle can't be linked to a single motive. I desire deep submission because it increases my love and devotion. I desire deep submission because I can make her happy when I am this way. I desire deep submission because I feel good about myself when I make her happy. I desire deep submission because it makes me feel safe and loved.
I know to some of the more "hard core" types, I should be willing to bury my own feelings and only be driven by the fact that it makes her happy. The question is, should I feel guilty at all for the other three reasons being a part of it?
This extends beyond my basic submission but into a few more specific fetish areas. If she wears a fur coat and leather boots and gloves I immediately fall into a deep subspace. It makes me feel more submissive and both of us enjoy this fact. I also get incredibly turned on and both of us also enjoy this fact. She also enjoys wearing fur and leather on its own. Should I feel guilty for wanting her to dress that way since the motive is not solely for her pleasure?
As I've come to accept myself as a sissy, this has nagged me constantly (please read my "The Making of a Sissy" posts for a background on this), especially when I admitted it to my Mistress at our first meeting. Being forced to be fully dressed in a humiliating manner complete with locking collar and cuffs probably has the greatest affect on me as a submissive as well in terms of my arousal. This drives me to the deepest level of subspace I have ever experienced. It pushes my love and devotion to the greatest levels I have felt. It maximizes my attentiveness and focus. While she derives some pleasure from my humiliation, she mostly does it for the other reasons I listed. Should I feel guilty about wanting this?
I don't know the answer to these questions and I'm sure people will have mixed responses on it. Since my desire is truly to experience deep submission, does that make it okay since they all contribute to that? Since they provide some sexual arousal that isn't directly linked to the submission should I feel guilt?
I am a submissive with a desire for deep submission. Through my experiences I have discovered my own particular fetishes as well as how certain things affect me. A while back I had posted that submission is like altruism, you do it for someone else but you also do it for yourself because you like how it makes you feel.
I find that many things in the D/s lifestyle can't be linked to a single motive. I desire deep submission because it increases my love and devotion. I desire deep submission because I can make her happy when I am this way. I desire deep submission because I feel good about myself when I make her happy. I desire deep submission because it makes me feel safe and loved.
I know to some of the more "hard core" types, I should be willing to bury my own feelings and only be driven by the fact that it makes her happy. The question is, should I feel guilty at all for the other three reasons being a part of it?
This extends beyond my basic submission but into a few more specific fetish areas. If she wears a fur coat and leather boots and gloves I immediately fall into a deep subspace. It makes me feel more submissive and both of us enjoy this fact. I also get incredibly turned on and both of us also enjoy this fact. She also enjoys wearing fur and leather on its own. Should I feel guilty for wanting her to dress that way since the motive is not solely for her pleasure?
As I've come to accept myself as a sissy, this has nagged me constantly (please read my "The Making of a Sissy" posts for a background on this), especially when I admitted it to my Mistress at our first meeting. Being forced to be fully dressed in a humiliating manner complete with locking collar and cuffs probably has the greatest affect on me as a submissive as well in terms of my arousal. This drives me to the deepest level of subspace I have ever experienced. It pushes my love and devotion to the greatest levels I have felt. It maximizes my attentiveness and focus. While she derives some pleasure from my humiliation, she mostly does it for the other reasons I listed. Should I feel guilty about wanting this?
I don't know the answer to these questions and I'm sure people will have mixed responses on it. Since my desire is truly to experience deep submission, does that make it okay since they all contribute to that? Since they provide some sexual arousal that isn't directly linked to the submission should I feel guilt?
male Needs in a D/s Relationship
Lady Grey got me thinking about some things based upon her comments in an earlier post. It is something I have dwelt upon over the years but due to D/s escalation as I wrote about earlier (as well as a few other posts talking about Fantasy vs. Reality) it's nice to think about this again to see how I have changed since the last time I seriously pondered it.
The gradual increase in fantasized intensity and actual desires grows over the years. It can even reach a point that is quite frightening as there is usually some residual "I would never do that" memories from when you were first exposed to the subject and it shakes up your feelings of being "normal" to an even greater extent.
So what exactly do subs need to be happy and fulfilled from the lifestyle in the long-run?
I think it's fairly well-accepted that subs do not need regular orgasmic sexual release. However, I do think they need situations or activities that are sexual in nature when it comes to what they respond to sexually. For some subs this may be simple dominance. For others it may be corporal punishment, bondage, or depersonalization. Whatever makes them respond sexually will keep them satisfied even if erections are prevented through chastity. Basically, they need activities or environments that turn them on in some way on some level.
Beyond that, I can't think of many commonalities that I would say encompasses 95% (2 standard deviations from the norm if you wish to get technical) or more of the submissive male population.
Some men thrive on feeling insignificant, inferior, and unappreciated. These types are usually quite rare when it boils down to reality and they usually adapt quite well to cuckold relationships, long-term chastity, depersonalization, formal Mistress/servant relationships, TPE slavery, and depersonalization. They do not require love and affection, a feeling of worth, or intimacy with their Mistress to feel fulfilled and happy, and in many cases, it is quite the opposite.
Many men, myself included, do desire to feel loved and appreciated but submissive and dominated at the same time. This is a bit more of a slippery idea to grasp. I've often thought about it as being this type of sub is like being the favorite toy. You her first choice out of the toy box. She plays with you hard but is careful not to break you. She keeps you in a special place in her heart, cherishing your place with her.
I have a feeling many women prefer this type of relationship, so things tend to work out pretty well. The sub doesn't want to feel like he can be replaced in an instant by anyone with a pulse that is willing to be trained. He wants to believe that he has characteristics that make him appealing to her beyond his superficial body and unskilled labor. If he's not a chiseled adonis of a man, she accepts him for the quality of his soul. While he might perform the domestic duties of a maid, she would rather have him doing them instead of a maid as a sign of his love and devotion. I know most Dommes do want a sub who will enrich her life on meaningful levels (and subs do as well).
This is a quote from a response I made in a comment:
"I do not function well without love and I do know that is where much of my submission stems from in regards to whom I submit and how much effort I put forth. I'm not particularly attractive, rich, nor a suave and debonair individual. The Dommes I have been with have generally cited their reasons for choosing me was because of my heart, sincerity, honesty, friendship, thoughtfulness, devotion, intelligence, creativity, and sense of humor."
I'm not sure on my exact needs, but I can say that feeling loved is one of them. I need to feel her soul... feel like I have a special connection because of who I am and how I make her feel.
I don't think I'm alone in these feelings. People want to feel like they found that person who was meant just for them. Closeness... someone who can be a friend and lover, someone to share the entirety of their lives with. While I believe the D/s dynamic is often necessary to achieve happiness and fulfillment, I think connecting on a deep personal level is equally important.
With that in mind, I do think that males can be led astray by appealing to the deep natures of their fetishes. If I was single and Cruella de Vil showed up on my doorstep as a Venus in Furs demanding my obedience for a lifetime of hardships under her thumb, in that moment, I would be hard-pressed to resist. Would I be happy if I said yes? Probably not. Would it be an intense battle between my brain/heart and penis? Probably so.
I guess this leads me to something else that I had forgotten to think about.
While male subs shouldn't be treated like children, they do need someone looking out for them keeping them from getting themselves into constant trouble. A Domme can protect her sub from himself more than anyone else in his life. Only a few subs will actually know this about themselves but I do think nearly all male subs are particularly vulnerable to tempting situations. Keep in mind, having him on a short leash with strict rules that prevent him from slipping into bad habits does in fact protect him from himself as well. The longer he stays in sub space the less likely he is to piss her off and face unpleasant consequences. Similarly, a good whuppin' after he has misbehaved makes him less likely to do it again and receive an even more severe whuppin' (which is also a form of protection).
Any comments?
The gradual increase in fantasized intensity and actual desires grows over the years. It can even reach a point that is quite frightening as there is usually some residual "I would never do that" memories from when you were first exposed to the subject and it shakes up your feelings of being "normal" to an even greater extent.
So what exactly do subs need to be happy and fulfilled from the lifestyle in the long-run?
I think it's fairly well-accepted that subs do not need regular orgasmic sexual release. However, I do think they need situations or activities that are sexual in nature when it comes to what they respond to sexually. For some subs this may be simple dominance. For others it may be corporal punishment, bondage, or depersonalization. Whatever makes them respond sexually will keep them satisfied even if erections are prevented through chastity. Basically, they need activities or environments that turn them on in some way on some level.
Beyond that, I can't think of many commonalities that I would say encompasses 95% (2 standard deviations from the norm if you wish to get technical) or more of the submissive male population.
Some men thrive on feeling insignificant, inferior, and unappreciated. These types are usually quite rare when it boils down to reality and they usually adapt quite well to cuckold relationships, long-term chastity, depersonalization, formal Mistress/servant relationships, TPE slavery, and depersonalization. They do not require love and affection, a feeling of worth, or intimacy with their Mistress to feel fulfilled and happy, and in many cases, it is quite the opposite.
Many men, myself included, do desire to feel loved and appreciated but submissive and dominated at the same time. This is a bit more of a slippery idea to grasp. I've often thought about it as being this type of sub is like being the favorite toy. You her first choice out of the toy box. She plays with you hard but is careful not to break you. She keeps you in a special place in her heart, cherishing your place with her.
I have a feeling many women prefer this type of relationship, so things tend to work out pretty well. The sub doesn't want to feel like he can be replaced in an instant by anyone with a pulse that is willing to be trained. He wants to believe that he has characteristics that make him appealing to her beyond his superficial body and unskilled labor. If he's not a chiseled adonis of a man, she accepts him for the quality of his soul. While he might perform the domestic duties of a maid, she would rather have him doing them instead of a maid as a sign of his love and devotion. I know most Dommes do want a sub who will enrich her life on meaningful levels (and subs do as well).
This is a quote from a response I made in a comment:
"I do not function well without love and I do know that is where much of my submission stems from in regards to whom I submit and how much effort I put forth. I'm not particularly attractive, rich, nor a suave and debonair individual. The Dommes I have been with have generally cited their reasons for choosing me was because of my heart, sincerity, honesty, friendship, thoughtfulness, devotion, intelligence, creativity, and sense of humor."
I'm not sure on my exact needs, but I can say that feeling loved is one of them. I need to feel her soul... feel like I have a special connection because of who I am and how I make her feel.
I don't think I'm alone in these feelings. People want to feel like they found that person who was meant just for them. Closeness... someone who can be a friend and lover, someone to share the entirety of their lives with. While I believe the D/s dynamic is often necessary to achieve happiness and fulfillment, I think connecting on a deep personal level is equally important.
With that in mind, I do think that males can be led astray by appealing to the deep natures of their fetishes. If I was single and Cruella de Vil showed up on my doorstep as a Venus in Furs demanding my obedience for a lifetime of hardships under her thumb, in that moment, I would be hard-pressed to resist. Would I be happy if I said yes? Probably not. Would it be an intense battle between my brain/heart and penis? Probably so.
I guess this leads me to something else that I had forgotten to think about.
While male subs shouldn't be treated like children, they do need someone looking out for them keeping them from getting themselves into constant trouble. A Domme can protect her sub from himself more than anyone else in his life. Only a few subs will actually know this about themselves but I do think nearly all male subs are particularly vulnerable to tempting situations. Keep in mind, having him on a short leash with strict rules that prevent him from slipping into bad habits does in fact protect him from himself as well. The longer he stays in sub space the less likely he is to piss her off and face unpleasant consequences. Similarly, a good whuppin' after he has misbehaved makes him less likely to do it again and receive an even more severe whuppin' (which is also a form of protection).
Any comments?
Monday, May 10, 2010
Progressive Escalation of D/s
Most vanilla dabblings into the BDSM world happens with the intention of spicing up the sex life when normal sexual interaction has grown "ordinary." So if you are already practicing some form of a BDSM sex life in any of its forms, when that has grown ordinary?
It's common when people first stumble upon the lifestyle that they might have just an inkling of what they would like and there's a whole lot of things that probably jump out as things they know they would hate or fear. There's a whole slew of subs (and Dommes) out there that have had the urge to enter the D/s lifestyle long before they even make an attempt to explore it. In many cases they have spent months or years reading websites, both for educational and masturbatory purposes.
When things first garnered my interest I started reading up on stories and while many of them "spoke to me," getting to some of the more extreme fantasy scenarios was almost like being shown a snuff film without knowing it until the end. "Oh yeah, this is good... this is good... this is good... OMG what the hell?!"
What I've discovered over the years is that most subs that get put off by some of the more extreme ideas tend to have had very few real life experiences. The more you experience, the more your views of everything in the lifestyle also change. Think about bungee jumping. Before you've done it you probably have some picture in your head that it's either amazing or terrifying. After you've done it once it was an amazing rush and still manages to get your nerves firing on all levels. After 20 times, you might still think it's fun and enjoyable but the fear is gone. The rush is probably still there to some extent, but I'd bet it's nowhere near what it was the first time. By that time there's probably a lot of other that don't seem as scary, e.g. sky diving.
When I first found myself drifting into some submissive fantasies it was mostly the typical things. Being tied up by a beautiful woman? Check. Forced to perform cunnilingus? Check. Body worship? Check. Great passionate sex with the Domme? Check. Wearing a collar? Check. Pleasing multiple beautiful women? Check.
I read lots of stories. Many spoke to me in the right way. Others it was like, what is this? Why would anyone want this? I just couldn't understand certain types of fetish play or lifestyle behaviors. Chastity? No way. Extensive corporal punishment? No way. Forced feminization? No way. Pegging/strap-on play? No way. Forced homosexuality? No way. Cuckolding? No way. Orgasm denial? No way.
My first Mistress once had me make a list of 10 sexual fantasies. Fast forward a few years. I've now experienced 8 of those 10 sexual fantasies. While many of them are still enjoyable, the 8 that I've done multiple times are no longer scary, I don't feel all freaked out by wanting to do them, and there's no more insecure feelings at the thought of having them happen. So what next?
Something odd happens. You don't even realize it's happening until it's already there. You keep reading stories. The old themes just don't get you going as much as they used to. You keep reading stories, stories you never thought you'd read. The topics that used to be the "snuff films" of stories all of a sudden don't gross you out anymore. You keep reading more and more. One day you find yourself engrossed in some story with something going on that you used to think was way too out there or extreme and you realize it has you completely aroused. You deny it, no way, that can't be turning you on. You keep reading. You find more and more stories with those new themes. They keep turning you on. One day it dawns on you, you kind of sort of want to try that.
Our minds in the lifestyle seek that rush... that huge rush of subspace (or Dominance) that gets the adrenaline kicking and the sexual juices flowing. That twitch of fear when the possibility of it happening for real stares you straight in the face. Your D/s relationship decides to give that new topic a try. Boom, you find yourself feeling it just like the first time.
I've come to realize over the years that this is natural. It happens to almost everyone in some way, shape, or form. What that next step is differs from person to person but the process is almost always the same.
Do you think that cuckold relationship started out that way? Probably not. It most likely happened 5 or 10 years into the D/s relationship.
Hearing about that guy locked in a steel chastity belt for a year at a time seems crazy... until you consider that they probably started out with no chastity, gradually worked their way up with plastic devices and short intervals, and eventually it developed into a full-time ordeal.
It's good to expose yourself to as many things as possible. It's probably good that some of them scare you when you stumble across them. However, you should always know what exists out there. What options are there for the next level. You never quite know what will get your blood pumping after you've been in the lifestyle for a few years. Thinking to yourself that "I'll never, ever try that" can trap you. Keep your mind open even if the thought makes you cringe. The picture will become more clear over time if it stays in the back of your mind.
There's a whole lot of things that I never thought I'd want that are now enjoyable. It seems every year something that I told myself I'd never try now is something I'd be open to exploring. Things just seem to happen that way.
It's common when people first stumble upon the lifestyle that they might have just an inkling of what they would like and there's a whole lot of things that probably jump out as things they know they would hate or fear. There's a whole slew of subs (and Dommes) out there that have had the urge to enter the D/s lifestyle long before they even make an attempt to explore it. In many cases they have spent months or years reading websites, both for educational and masturbatory purposes.
When things first garnered my interest I started reading up on stories and while many of them "spoke to me," getting to some of the more extreme fantasy scenarios was almost like being shown a snuff film without knowing it until the end. "Oh yeah, this is good... this is good... this is good... OMG what the hell?!"
What I've discovered over the years is that most subs that get put off by some of the more extreme ideas tend to have had very few real life experiences. The more you experience, the more your views of everything in the lifestyle also change. Think about bungee jumping. Before you've done it you probably have some picture in your head that it's either amazing or terrifying. After you've done it once it was an amazing rush and still manages to get your nerves firing on all levels. After 20 times, you might still think it's fun and enjoyable but the fear is gone. The rush is probably still there to some extent, but I'd bet it's nowhere near what it was the first time. By that time there's probably a lot of other that don't seem as scary, e.g. sky diving.
When I first found myself drifting into some submissive fantasies it was mostly the typical things. Being tied up by a beautiful woman? Check. Forced to perform cunnilingus? Check. Body worship? Check. Great passionate sex with the Domme? Check. Wearing a collar? Check. Pleasing multiple beautiful women? Check.
I read lots of stories. Many spoke to me in the right way. Others it was like, what is this? Why would anyone want this? I just couldn't understand certain types of fetish play or lifestyle behaviors. Chastity? No way. Extensive corporal punishment? No way. Forced feminization? No way. Pegging/strap-on play? No way. Forced homosexuality? No way. Cuckolding? No way. Orgasm denial? No way.
My first Mistress once had me make a list of 10 sexual fantasies. Fast forward a few years. I've now experienced 8 of those 10 sexual fantasies. While many of them are still enjoyable, the 8 that I've done multiple times are no longer scary, I don't feel all freaked out by wanting to do them, and there's no more insecure feelings at the thought of having them happen. So what next?
Something odd happens. You don't even realize it's happening until it's already there. You keep reading stories. The old themes just don't get you going as much as they used to. You keep reading stories, stories you never thought you'd read. The topics that used to be the "snuff films" of stories all of a sudden don't gross you out anymore. You keep reading more and more. One day you find yourself engrossed in some story with something going on that you used to think was way too out there or extreme and you realize it has you completely aroused. You deny it, no way, that can't be turning you on. You keep reading. You find more and more stories with those new themes. They keep turning you on. One day it dawns on you, you kind of sort of want to try that.
Our minds in the lifestyle seek that rush... that huge rush of subspace (or Dominance) that gets the adrenaline kicking and the sexual juices flowing. That twitch of fear when the possibility of it happening for real stares you straight in the face. Your D/s relationship decides to give that new topic a try. Boom, you find yourself feeling it just like the first time.
I've come to realize over the years that this is natural. It happens to almost everyone in some way, shape, or form. What that next step is differs from person to person but the process is almost always the same.
Do you think that cuckold relationship started out that way? Probably not. It most likely happened 5 or 10 years into the D/s relationship.
Hearing about that guy locked in a steel chastity belt for a year at a time seems crazy... until you consider that they probably started out with no chastity, gradually worked their way up with plastic devices and short intervals, and eventually it developed into a full-time ordeal.
It's good to expose yourself to as many things as possible. It's probably good that some of them scare you when you stumble across them. However, you should always know what exists out there. What options are there for the next level. You never quite know what will get your blood pumping after you've been in the lifestyle for a few years. Thinking to yourself that "I'll never, ever try that" can trap you. Keep your mind open even if the thought makes you cringe. The picture will become more clear over time if it stays in the back of your mind.
There's a whole lot of things that I never thought I'd want that are now enjoyable. It seems every year something that I told myself I'd never try now is something I'd be open to exploring. Things just seem to happen that way.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Wanting to be "normal"
Lady Grey was kind enough to give some supporting words in her comments on my last post.
I have quoted it here:
"Maybe a name change would help after all, though that's a rather sad commentary on the mindsets of those who would be turned off by your current title."
Reading this got me thinking a little bit about myself, the lifestyle, and the blog community here. I've noticed there's a pretty big rift in people who wish to lead FLR/WLM's but also wish to keep it independent from the Femdom/fetishy undertones. I tend to view them as the same thing but I know not everyone is okay classifying themselves as a "Femdom enthusiast" and favor the much more vanilla "Female led relationship" or "Wife led marriage" labels. Steering clear of fetish/taboo labels may make you feel more normal but why does that need to happen?
If it is indeed true that people skip my blog due to my username, the blog title, etc., I don't condone this behavior but at the same time I can understand where they are coming from.
That is, I can empathize with people that make this choice but I also will not defend that choice.
While this post's content is very relevant to a more formal writing style I will be writing this one from a more personal standpoint.
One of the major difficulties with entering the D/s lifestyle is feeling that it is abnormal, perverse, taboo, or wrong. These feelings are usually true for both Dommes and subs as they first start down this road. We carry preconceived notions of what is normal and that can scare us away from potentially deviant behaviors. The inner-monologue can be a killer during those early stages since we wish to feel like we are normal.
Some thoughts that might enter his head:
"I enjoy being dominated by a woman and spanked, I must be some kind of freak."
"I like being tied up, does that make me a weirdo?"
"I want her to make me dress like a woman, does that make me gay?"
Some thoughts that might enter her head:
"He wants me to 'dominate' him and treat him like crap? What is he, a freak? Am I not enough for him?"
"I enjoy ordering him around and making him serve me, does that make me a selfish bitch?"
"He wants to wear my panties, does that make him gay?"
Myself and probably every veteran of the lifestyle has probably at some point in time felt something like this. People want to feel normal. For the first few years, I wanted to feel normal. I wanted my desire for a Femdom relationship to remain a buried and well-kept secret. It was a point of total shame to admit this, total humiliation, it turned me into a pervert.
To those out there entering the lifestyle, these mind-traps are an ordinary and expected part of the learning curve. Anything new and different will feel odd since it is new and different from what you are used to. It may take months or years but eventually, this will no longer be new or different. It is your new normal and returning to the "old way" would be new and different compared to now. The more open-minded that you are, the more strongly you question convention and social norms, the more willing you are to accept the you that you want to be, the less emotional distress you will feel along this journey and the faster you will be able to redefine yourself in a new light in a way that you are comfortable with.
After I had a few years under my belt, my lifestyle choice was no longer a secret (although some of the finer details weren't for public ears/eyes). Instead of having 1 or 2 trusted friends who knew I liked dominant women and was a sex slave (easier to say sex slave than trying to describe submissive), pretty much all of my friends that I spoke with regularly knew that about me. Since they were in fact true friends, it didn't change their opinion of me at all. I even told my parents when they were curious why I was involved with a woman that was nearly 20 years older than me. They basically said "oh, well if that makes you happy."
Keep in mind that about 40% (2 in 5) of the people you know have had or will have some kinky psycho-sex fantasy. For guys, this might be having sex with 10 women at once, being tied up and forced to perform cunnilingus for 3 hours straight, being spanked/paddled/whipped, or being being tied up by 10 women and forced to perform cunnilingus for 30 hours straight while being spanked, paddled, and whipped. For women it might be being waited on and pleasured by 10 "hot" guys at once, tying a guy up and forcing him to perform cunnilingus for 3 hours straight, spanking/paddling/whipping him, etc.
What separates you from the bulk of the 2 in 5 is that you are acting on your desires. This CAN be possible and WILL be possible if you focus upon making it happen. The reason that those 2 in 5 aren't doing it is the same reason you might be faltering out of the gate: shame, embarrassment, guilt, self-consciousness, etc.
If you have deeper fetishes or fantasies that get a bit "deeper" into the deviant/taboo realm it will probably take you longer to come to peace with this and you will find fewer and fewer people with which you are comfortable talking about this with. This is a very lonely place but I can tell you first-hand that it is easier to try and connect with people who are at your stage or have reached the next stage since I can promise you that ALL of them have pondered the same things you have, questioned themselves in the same way you have, and felt bad inside for the same reasons that you have. Most people who understand what you are going through will lend you their support.
I've been in the lifestyle almost a decade now. Being submissive is normal. Light bondage is normal. Wanting my behavior to be strictly dictated in order to make her happiest is normal. Big whoop. I want to make my Woman feel like a Queen and like the happiest and most special person on earth. Tell that to a random woman you know and she will probably commend you. Wanting to worship her and submit to her desires? Big whoop, again, this is something most women actually like. Being tied up in bed? No one will tell me I'm some kind of deranged pervert for digging that.
I'm not all the way yet. It still feels a bit weird to desire heavy bondage. It still feels a bit weird to want her to mess with me so that I keep pushing myself to be better. It still feels a bit weird to admit that I enjoy forced feminization as much as I do.
However, as of now, I can comfortably admit that I am a submissive and that I enjoy a bit of kink. I have a feeling those other things will become more comfortable the longer I spend in the lifestyle. In another decade I might be writing on a blog somewhere about heavy steel shackles and a maid's uniform feeling normal. Who knows?
There are people out there who feel just like you do. There are people out there who have felt just like you do. There are people out there who will feel just like you do now.
Many of these people (especially those who do a lot of writing) will be open to giving advice, support, and mentoring those who are walking the difficult path ahead.
Never underestimate the power of time and experience. With each passing year and every new experience you will likely grow to be more comfortable with yourself in regards to your D/s tendencies. Try not to write off others if they appear to be completely different from you, there's a good chance that they are merely a few years ahead of you.
As I have said in some of my earlier posts, I have accepted with great reluctance that I am a sissy (and this blog got its title since I started writing upon accepting this). I did not enter this lifestyle expecting to become one, nor was it ever my aspiration to become one. I changed slowly over time and by the time I realized how much I had changed, it was too late to go back. Just because I define myself in the way that I do right now doesn't mean I wasn't similar to you when I was at the same stage you are currently at.
Overall, I would advise anyone who is in the early stages of the lifestyle to keep an open mind and draw what you can from the experiences that are out there, whether they fit your current tastes right now or not. You never know what will float your boat in a few years and it will likely be quite different than what you might anticipate.
Feeling normal about your lifestyle will happen when you can comfortably admit to yourself that you enjoy what you enjoy and desire what you will desire.
If he gets arousal from being submissive and/or if she gets aroused/excited from being dominant, I still think that's Femdom. I don't think there's anything dirty, taboo, or perverse about it. It is quite normal to feel that way once you accept yourself for who you are. You'll know you are there when going back to "the way things used to be" is an unthinkable or unhappy option.
I have quoted it here:
"Maybe a name change would help after all, though that's a rather sad commentary on the mindsets of those who would be turned off by your current title."
Reading this got me thinking a little bit about myself, the lifestyle, and the blog community here. I've noticed there's a pretty big rift in people who wish to lead FLR/WLM's but also wish to keep it independent from the Femdom/fetishy undertones. I tend to view them as the same thing but I know not everyone is okay classifying themselves as a "Femdom enthusiast" and favor the much more vanilla "Female led relationship" or "Wife led marriage" labels. Steering clear of fetish/taboo labels may make you feel more normal but why does that need to happen?
If it is indeed true that people skip my blog due to my username, the blog title, etc., I don't condone this behavior but at the same time I can understand where they are coming from.
That is, I can empathize with people that make this choice but I also will not defend that choice.
While this post's content is very relevant to a more formal writing style I will be writing this one from a more personal standpoint.
One of the major difficulties with entering the D/s lifestyle is feeling that it is abnormal, perverse, taboo, or wrong. These feelings are usually true for both Dommes and subs as they first start down this road. We carry preconceived notions of what is normal and that can scare us away from potentially deviant behaviors. The inner-monologue can be a killer during those early stages since we wish to feel like we are normal.
Some thoughts that might enter his head:
"I enjoy being dominated by a woman and spanked, I must be some kind of freak."
"I like being tied up, does that make me a weirdo?"
"I want her to make me dress like a woman, does that make me gay?"
Some thoughts that might enter her head:
"He wants me to 'dominate' him and treat him like crap? What is he, a freak? Am I not enough for him?"
"I enjoy ordering him around and making him serve me, does that make me a selfish bitch?"
"He wants to wear my panties, does that make him gay?"
Myself and probably every veteran of the lifestyle has probably at some point in time felt something like this. People want to feel normal. For the first few years, I wanted to feel normal. I wanted my desire for a Femdom relationship to remain a buried and well-kept secret. It was a point of total shame to admit this, total humiliation, it turned me into a pervert.
To those out there entering the lifestyle, these mind-traps are an ordinary and expected part of the learning curve. Anything new and different will feel odd since it is new and different from what you are used to. It may take months or years but eventually, this will no longer be new or different. It is your new normal and returning to the "old way" would be new and different compared to now. The more open-minded that you are, the more strongly you question convention and social norms, the more willing you are to accept the you that you want to be, the less emotional distress you will feel along this journey and the faster you will be able to redefine yourself in a new light in a way that you are comfortable with.
After I had a few years under my belt, my lifestyle choice was no longer a secret (although some of the finer details weren't for public ears/eyes). Instead of having 1 or 2 trusted friends who knew I liked dominant women and was a sex slave (easier to say sex slave than trying to describe submissive), pretty much all of my friends that I spoke with regularly knew that about me. Since they were in fact true friends, it didn't change their opinion of me at all. I even told my parents when they were curious why I was involved with a woman that was nearly 20 years older than me. They basically said "oh, well if that makes you happy."
Keep in mind that about 40% (2 in 5) of the people you know have had or will have some kinky psycho-sex fantasy. For guys, this might be having sex with 10 women at once, being tied up and forced to perform cunnilingus for 3 hours straight, being spanked/paddled/whipped, or being being tied up by 10 women and forced to perform cunnilingus for 30 hours straight while being spanked, paddled, and whipped. For women it might be being waited on and pleasured by 10 "hot" guys at once, tying a guy up and forcing him to perform cunnilingus for 3 hours straight, spanking/paddling/whipping him, etc.
What separates you from the bulk of the 2 in 5 is that you are acting on your desires. This CAN be possible and WILL be possible if you focus upon making it happen. The reason that those 2 in 5 aren't doing it is the same reason you might be faltering out of the gate: shame, embarrassment, guilt, self-consciousness, etc.
If you have deeper fetishes or fantasies that get a bit "deeper" into the deviant/taboo realm it will probably take you longer to come to peace with this and you will find fewer and fewer people with which you are comfortable talking about this with. This is a very lonely place but I can tell you first-hand that it is easier to try and connect with people who are at your stage or have reached the next stage since I can promise you that ALL of them have pondered the same things you have, questioned themselves in the same way you have, and felt bad inside for the same reasons that you have. Most people who understand what you are going through will lend you their support.
I've been in the lifestyle almost a decade now. Being submissive is normal. Light bondage is normal. Wanting my behavior to be strictly dictated in order to make her happiest is normal. Big whoop. I want to make my Woman feel like a Queen and like the happiest and most special person on earth. Tell that to a random woman you know and she will probably commend you. Wanting to worship her and submit to her desires? Big whoop, again, this is something most women actually like. Being tied up in bed? No one will tell me I'm some kind of deranged pervert for digging that.
I'm not all the way yet. It still feels a bit weird to desire heavy bondage. It still feels a bit weird to want her to mess with me so that I keep pushing myself to be better. It still feels a bit weird to admit that I enjoy forced feminization as much as I do.
However, as of now, I can comfortably admit that I am a submissive and that I enjoy a bit of kink. I have a feeling those other things will become more comfortable the longer I spend in the lifestyle. In another decade I might be writing on a blog somewhere about heavy steel shackles and a maid's uniform feeling normal. Who knows?
There are people out there who feel just like you do. There are people out there who have felt just like you do. There are people out there who will feel just like you do now.
Many of these people (especially those who do a lot of writing) will be open to giving advice, support, and mentoring those who are walking the difficult path ahead.
Never underestimate the power of time and experience. With each passing year and every new experience you will likely grow to be more comfortable with yourself in regards to your D/s tendencies. Try not to write off others if they appear to be completely different from you, there's a good chance that they are merely a few years ahead of you.
As I have said in some of my earlier posts, I have accepted with great reluctance that I am a sissy (and this blog got its title since I started writing upon accepting this). I did not enter this lifestyle expecting to become one, nor was it ever my aspiration to become one. I changed slowly over time and by the time I realized how much I had changed, it was too late to go back. Just because I define myself in the way that I do right now doesn't mean I wasn't similar to you when I was at the same stage you are currently at.
Overall, I would advise anyone who is in the early stages of the lifestyle to keep an open mind and draw what you can from the experiences that are out there, whether they fit your current tastes right now or not. You never know what will float your boat in a few years and it will likely be quite different than what you might anticipate.
Feeling normal about your lifestyle will happen when you can comfortably admit to yourself that you enjoy what you enjoy and desire what you will desire.
If he gets arousal from being submissive and/or if she gets aroused/excited from being dominant, I still think that's Femdom. I don't think there's anything dirty, taboo, or perverse about it. It is quite normal to feel that way once you accept yourself for who you are. You'll know you are there when going back to "the way things used to be" is an unthinkable or unhappy option.
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