Control Dynamics

Over the years my experiences and desires have grown stronger and one of the important aspects of D/s that spins around my head on a consistent basis is the concept of control dynamics.

In the most general sense, control dynamics are rules and ideas that govern a D/s relationship that emphasize the power and control that the Domme holds over her sub. You will find some degree of control dynamics involved in pretty much every D/s relationship. Some dynamics are far more common than others, e.g. orgasm control is one of the basic topics covered in a good number of "how to" guides and frequently exists in some form from the beginning of the relationship or at the start of D/s within an existing relationship. I have found that the strictness of the dynamics frequently reflects the sadistic desires of the Domme.

In most cases, the rules involved are somewhat optional and do not have a tremendous impact upon the success and failure of the relationship. They aren't of the same kind of importance as trust, honesty, and loyalty where a slip up will have devastating effects on the relationship. Control dynamics are put in place... to increase control. This is often unnecessary, but it can have a significant impact upon the sub's mental state.

An individual has free will and may choose their own behavior. There are some ideals for submissive behavior: Be respectful. Be polite. Be courteous. Be attentive. Etc. In the absence of rules the sub has the freedom to choose to behave this way or not (although most subs that are worth a damn would choose to). To exert control a dominant may choose to create rules that remove this freedom. Always address her by her proper title. Kneel and bow when greeting her. Do not turn your back to her. As each rule falls into place, the sub's free will is replaced by a set of necessary actions with consequences. These may be completely unnecessary to a well-mannered sub, but it does a lot to shape the sub's mental state.

The greater the number of rules, the less freedom the sub has to act with, the greater the chance of punishable failure, and an increased level of mental duress experienced by the sub. This may be appealing to some and unappealing to others. I am of the sort where I feel that control dynamics bring out my best self. The greater the challenge, the more I rise to overcome it. The greater the challenge, the more I am able to prove my worth and devotion.

That being said, I can understand where one or more of the involved parties prefer to avoid extensive use of control dynamics. Rules are a lot of work. While the sub may find themselves being pulled from their comfort zone, there is a greater burden that falls upon the Domme. Not only are they responsible for forming the rules (and revising them over time), it is also their responsibility to monitor the sub’s behavior for compliance and punish infractions. Another potential hangup is the idea that subs should want to do it on their own without the need to have rules pertaining to it.

I know in my own world, I do want to make the Domme I serve happy. I want to do the things that please her. I want to be everything she wants me to be. I want to be perfect for her. At the same time, my submissive side craves to feel utterly controlled. I want there to be no illusion of freedom. If I choose “no,” I want this to lead to pain and the eventual “yes.” My first two D/s relationships were of this sort. As time passed, the control dynamics continued to build until it felt like my entire existence was focused upon obedience for her benefit. It felt rather nice, indeed. Their creativity would run wild, coming up with new and intricate ways to enhance their control and enslave me even more deeply. This made me feel deeply loved, especially when I had no say in the matter and I could see how they were further twisting me to their will.

Overall, I just felt like writing about this since it is so easy to get hung up on specific acts, rules, or the like. I find the concept of control in general to be so fascinating and arousing. I probably could have listed examples, but maybe sometime in the future.

Reflection

Over time I've grown comfortable with a handful of ideas about myself and my place in this world.  These feelings often get shunned by those who are big on the "self help" circuit and go against many of the principles of emotional health.  I've tried to stop caring about perceptions for the most part, but alas it is unavoidable to have some hurt if I find myself feeling attacked (even if I wish this were not true). 

It is strange how the words of the heart resonate so strongly... even if they defy logic and what we rationally understand to be true.  If only being rational would chase away the demons.  My choice was to exist with them and try to be the best that I could be in spite of them.  As much as I try to heal, there are parts of the damage that feel beyond repair and it feels easier to work with it rather than against it.

These are some of the "truths" that I have been unable to break away from.  Instead I embrace them and compensate for them.  This is how D/s resonates with me so deeply.  These are the feelings that I keep hidden from the world while I feign social competence on a regular basis.

-I have no inherent worth as a person.  My value is derived by what I can provide for others and how I may benefit them.  These benefits must be of such value that someone would accept a person like me over someone who does hold inherent worth.  I must prove myself with love and obedience. The value of my service is the value of my self.  My strengths as a person enhance the quality and capacity of my service.

-Because I lack worth, it is fine for me to be treated badly.  It feels reasonable, justified, and natural.  Being permitted to serve is the "reward" that I earn for my service.  My feelings are of minimal importance compared to the feelings, moods, comfort, desires, whims, and pleasures of the one that I serve.  I should be grateful and appreciative of any kindness shown to me, but I should never expect it because I do not deserve it.

-My ideal self is the form which is most pleasing to the one that I serve.  I adapt as necessary in pursuit of the perfect state of being, which is being exactly what she needs at any time.  Failing to meet her expectations makes me undeserving of her attention.  I should welcome any corrective or preventative measures necessary to keep my behavior suited to her needs. 

-I love the one that I serve with all of my being.  She provides me with purpose and worth.  She is kind enough to accept my meager offerings.  She is my everything and I feel lucky that she has chosen me.  I show my love and devotion in everything that I do and she is the focus of my thoughts and desires. 

-If I do not comply with her desires, then I am undeserving of her attention.  This is an ongoing state which requires constant vigilance.

This is the way that the world makes sense to me.  This is the stability that keeps the craziness inside my head in check.  This is the existence where I feel best about myself.  This is the existence that I desire.

Over time when I write words like these I have come to know that people will see me as either completely undesirable or totally desirable.  It's interesting how polarizing it is.  "That's pathetic" vs. "I want that kind of devotion."  Bracing for negative reaction makes it hard to put things out there this blatantly.  In reality there is a lot more balancing and displaying more of my public self even if this is what resides at my core. 

At some point in time I may heal up enough to have these feelings change.  It hasn't happened yet and I'm not holding my breath.  Until then I merely accept that this is how I am right now in this world.