Love, Abuse, and D/s

I'm screwed up and I know it.  I think I've gotten used to it as I don't even feel self-conscious about being screwed anymore.  I know I've written entries like this before but it is cathartic for me to write in this way so that I can better understand myself.

A good number of individuals involved in lifestyle D/s often have a history of emotional and/or physical abuse that dates back to when we were young.  This is not always the case by any means but it is frequently the case.  I think in a lot of ways, abuse during our formative years can help propel someone towards D/s in the future but it can be towards both submissive or dominant.

In my own case I was raised in an environment where I had to earn love.  It wasn't given unconditionally.  It was given when I excelled at something, whether it be academics, sports, music, etc.  When I failed or stepped out of line I was beaten down physically and emotionally.  This is how I learned to live and how I viewed myself: I was worthy when I was the best and worthless if I was not.

While highly motivating, it's also a bit screwed up and it has led to some difficulties with self-image and self-esteem.  When I succeed I crave praise and approval but feel like I don't really deserve it if/when I receive it.  When I fail I crash hard and it's difficult for me to cope with failure.  This is reflected in my life as a submissive.  I try hard because I want to be accepted but I never really build self-esteem.  When I fail I feel like I should be punished.

It's odd but that plays perfectly towards a strict D/s lifestyle.  Success is to be expected and failure will not be tolerated.  I seem to cope better with this kind of tough love than love given unconditionally.  My non-D/s relationship experience has shown that unconditional love often leaves so it's like I expect to have to earn love and have made peace with that.  I'm not sure if that is healthy but under those circumstances my emotions and thoughts tend to make more sense.

I have known a few Dommes that were spawned in similar environments.  They were strong enough to say "fuck you" to the factors keeping them down and create situations where they were in control.  This control grants them their power and it makes sense to me as an outsider looking in.  I know they don't always feel dominant all the time and there are occasions where outside factors can shake up their feelings of control but as a whole I respect the way they chose to overcome their past.

Politics, Tolerance, and Sexuality

I really try to avoid politics at all costs.  Political events have a long history of making me depressed about things I have no control over.  They have led to fights that I have lost friends over.  Basically, it’s something I tend to avoid at all costs.

The only time I tend to really get vocal is when politics begins to infringe upon and attempt to define “proper” sexuality.  Kink is a large enough part of my life and identity that I tend to feel strongly about certain subjects.  I am not a LGBT rights activist.  I am pro tolerance.   

Just recently in my state there was an attempt to pass some very anti-gay legislature and it barely got shot down.  I had no direct interest in this as I am not gay nor I do not have any gay friends (although I have had them in the past).  I do tend to get a bit upset when the hate machine starts rolling on topics like these.  When power starts telling us what is “proper,” “appropriate,” and “decent,” there’s always some fear in my mind since you never really know how far they will go. 

When “traditional” values start being brought up it becomes clear:  I am a sexual deviant.  Anyone that considers them-selves to be submissive, dominant, switch, etc. would also be slapped with this label.  I consider my submission to be part of my sexuality.  It’s not something I asked for, nor wanted, but it’s something I have accepted about myself.  There was a time when homosexuality was viewed as being sexually deviant (and it still is by many) and most homosexuals I have known over the years have described their inner feelings as similar: they didn’t ask for it, didn’t want it, but they have accepted it.

History has shown that once the hate machine gets rolling, anyone different better watch out.  Anyone with D/s or BDSM type interests should be especially wary.

Not every state attempts things like mine.  Some did just the opposite.  That gives me hope.  Deep inside me I have a naïve fantasy that D/s will at some time be openly accepted as a sexual identity and possibly even recognized by law. It’s a long shot but you never know what will happen in the future.  A lot of it depends on which direction the ball starts rolling now. 

Missing Everyone

I never realized just how much I needed to interact with people here until recently.

It seems a whole lot of people I used to exchange comments with have gone inactive and I'm really missing it. 

A new definition of subspace

I've written a lot about subspace and have often been asked to describe it.  I tend to view it as a state of mind rather than as the result of physical play as it is often portrayed (usually by writings that assume every submissive is a masochist).

 

In my past analysis of subspace I often viewed it as a priority shift from an inward stance (what I want) to an outward stance (what can I do for her?) in a sub's mental state that is often tied to psychological and sexual triggers.  While this may describe what I end up feeling as I progress into deeper stages of subspace, it tends to skip a few of the earlier stages.

 

Tonight I was thinking about how to describe it in a way that covers all stages.  What seemed to make sense to me is that in any stage, subspace is a (progressive) state of wanting more but being willing to accept less.  

 

In its shallowest states, a sub may crave sexual contact and fetish presence but rather than simply jerking off themselves, they relinquish control of those factors over to the Domme.  Basically, they get horny and have an increased desire for kink and sexual attention but accept a less immediate form of gratification.

 

This seems to hold true for most stages of subspace as well as most fetish activities.  E.g. A sub in chastity and deep subspace may dearly want to cum but instead accepts teasing and the idea of "maybe next time."  This in turn deepens their subspace and makes them crave the orgasm even more, which is what makes the disappointment of further denial so exhilarating.  A sub in an extremely deep state (bordering on slave level state) may deeply crave attention, love, praise, etc. but may simply accept not being punished as a reward for good service.  

 

As states deepen, the number and strength of desires may grow while the sub is willing to accept progressively less of their immediate desires.  Note:  By immediate desires I am referring to desires in the moment and not desires we rationalize while outside of subspace.

 

I may think about this definition a bit more.  Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Drawing: Last Orgasm

I'm not super happy with how this one turned out (it never looked quite right) but I figured I may as well post it anyway.

Drawing: Outed

Kind of a cliché fantasy, but it's the first drawing I've finished in quite a while.  Now that I think about it, it is one of the few drawings where the dressing is implied to be voluntary rather than forced.  I found a great smirking facial expression browsing winter catalogs and had to turn it into something and this is what it became.