Saturday, January 8, 2011

Games of Chance - Stacked in Her favor

In Lady Grey's most recent entry she mentioned an inclusion of a dice roll to determine a certain punishment severity.

Using games of chance in D/s activities has been something I've thought and fantasized about a lot over the years.  There's just something about random chance that touches my submissive psyche.  It doesn't matter how stacked the odds are because as long as there's a chance, no matter how slim, you will always hold some hope for a positive outcome.  This seems to happen even if your mind has resigned itself to losing and every cognitive cell in your brain knows it won't happen, that glimmer of hope always manages to burn deep down inside you... and when that hope is inevitably crushed, you fall quickly and surrender.

Hitting on a 16 in black jack.  Needing one card for a flush or a straight in poker.  Betting any single number in roulette.  They all represent odds that are stacked against you.  When we gamble, we willingly accept those odds and the risks and accept that it is "fair," since every participant (besides the house) holds the same odds of success or failure when faced with a similar situation.

This is where Femdom gets so deliciously unfair.  The Domme is always the house and she can make the rules.  It can be stacked in her favor and as long as there is some chance that he can "win," the process of hope and despair will repeat itself.

There are two types of ways this can be exploited:
-A bad outcome vs. a more bad outcome.
-A bad outcome vs. a good outcome.

For the first type, the odds can be more fair since it's a lose/lose worse situation.  Rolling dice, drawing a card out of a deck, etc. all work well here.

For the second type, the odds can be completely unfair since there are more positive stakes available to him.  Rolling 1 die vs. 3 dice (her roll), playing poker where he gets 5 cards and she gets 10, and so forth can work here.

Being creative with both the game and the stakes can ensure the sub will ride a strong emotional roller coaster.

A sub's Consent: Sacrifice and Trade-offs

This is probably similar to a post I've made in the past, but these ideas seem to be brought up repeatedly over the course of the comments I read on other blogs as well as my own.

Often some questions/comments are raised about experiences or ideas along these lines:
"Is it right to subject the sub to that without his consent?"
"It can't be emotionally health if..."
"I don't understand how any sub could be happy if..."

I think the answers lie in each sub's priority of needs and being able to separate what constitutes a need vs. a preference.

Referring to my previous post, Styles and Intensities of Femdom Relationships, subs that have a true desire for each intensity level tend to be fairly representative of the frequency in which those relationships exist (I do think there are more subs that believe they wish for greater intensity but then would reject it if it developed).

They way I see it is that there's very few subs out there that really want to be submissive.  At some point in time submission became part of their inherent sexual drive and it became inseparable.  I believe this is what separates a submissive from a bottom.  A bottom can turn the need for domination off.  A submissive cannot.  One could argue against this but I don't know many who would willingly choose to have D/s become integrated into their sexuality.  Similarly, I don't know any men that would choose to be gay and live a difficult life of public ridicule and threat on a daily basis.  Because of this, I consider submission to be a need as by quenching that need we accept the potential labels of pervert, sexual deviant, freak, etc. and find the number of women he is attractive to (and attracted to) to be greatly diminished.

In essence, the primary need of any submissive is the need to submit to someone that dominates.  As a submissive, your greatest need is to relinquish power and control to someone who will exert power and control over you.  How far does this go? 

A submissive must believe in his needs.  He must also believe that the Dominant is the greater power. "How submissive" a person is can be reflected in the sacrifices they are willing to make to meet those needs and submit to her power.

In a perfect world he could meet a woman who shared the exact same kinks/desires and they would simply mesh together in perfect harmony.  While this happens on occasion, in most cases it does not and in some cases, where an individual craves deep submission/domination, it is the lack of harmony that can take them to that next level.

Referring back to my previous post, a submissive that craves relationships of type 1 and 2 likely will not sacrifice (nor be willing to sacrifice) much to enter into that relationship.  This is just fine and in most cases it's the realistic and responsible decision to make.  Some kinky sex and some outward displays of devotion and affection are often all that is needed for both parties to be happy.

For subs that need a deeper level of submission and greater level of strictness from the Domme the lines get a bit blurred.  I think the idea of forced feminization is a good example of this.  A sub with a fetish for being forced to cross dress requires a Dominant that wishes to force that upon him.  This situation requires him to relinquish his right to choose what he wears.  She is given the power to choose what he wears and when, regardless of his wishes at the time.

Basically, to meet his submissive needs he consents to having his personal wishes ignored and her decisions forced upon him.  He consents to her forcing her will upon him non-consensually and/or by the threat of punishment/dismissal.  By doing so, he meets his greater need by giving up his momentary rights.  This may seem quite dysfunctional to some but at the same time, it's the only route for him to get what he wants.

This situation could be planned out when and where this will happen beforehand and have a healthier core.  At the same time there are aspects of the sub's desires that may or may not be met with this.  If he has an out and a choice, is it really forced?  Is he okay with role play or does it have to be full on?

This is the case for nearly every intense D/s activity.  There is an ideal relationship where both parties are on exactly the same page and all actions and activities are mutually pleasurable.  As the intensity grows it becomes more difficult for the Dominant to "turn off" those behaviors.  There-in lies the compromise.  A sub that needs very intense dominance must be prepared to deal with very dominant women.

Is it bad to accept the ramifications of extreme dominance in order to meet the need for extreme submission?

I can't answer that for certain but I can say that it's not always bad and not always good.

All I can say is that if he entered the situation with both eyes open and aware of the potential, I don't think it's fair to judge the outcome beyond his level of happiness and fulfillment. 

Styles and Intensities of Femdom Relationships

Some of the comments both on this blog and on other blogs I follow got me thinking a bit about the different styles and types of Femdom relationships you'll find.  There's a kabillion flavors of Femdom relationships (and D/s relationships in general) and the more understanding there is of each type allows for greater understanding of types that might not be appealing to you, but that may be what others want or need.

1.  Casual.  This style of Femdom relationship often is limited only to the bedroom with kinky play or sexual activities where the woman behaves as the top.  In these relationships there may be some D/s interaction outside of the bedroom but it is mostly limited to chivalrous behavior and/or chore duties, etc.  In these relationships most of the D/s interaction has probably been pre-negotiated or explored together out of love for the other.

I believe this type covers the majority of existing Femdom D/s relationships.

2.  Regular.  This style of Femdom relationship usually reaches deeper into every-day life.  You can expect some mild rituals and routines to be performed by the sub, but the sub still remains an autonomous individual that retains a public persona including a social life.  The woman is always the top in the bedroom and her needs and wishes take priority in the course of their lives.  The sub contributes a lot to the relationship on a personal level and it is usually a mutual understanding of needs and emotions that keeps things going.  These relationships are usually pre-negotiated or mutually "grown to" between a couple with similar desires.

This is the last level that many people would consider emotionally healthy.

3.  Intense.  This style of Femdom relationship extends well beyond the bedroom and encompasses nearly every aspect of daily lives.  The woman's wishes dictate the course of the relationship and the submissive is expected to make great sacrifices in order to meet her needs.  He still retains a personal life but the extent of his freedom is often inconsistent depending upon her requirements and expectations at any given time.  Rituals and routines are fairly common here.  Most activities would fall into the realm of consent but occasionally they may press any limits on the sub's part.

4.  24-7.  To start this off, I'll repeat my favorite definition of 24-7.  24-7 is not Femdom ALL the time, but it is Femdom at ANY time.  This style of relationship is basically the same as #3 but kicked up a notch.  In these cases the interaction behaviors are very similar but the submissive's life revolves around the demands of the Domme.  His autonomy may vary greatly but in most cases it can be expected that he will be kept occupied with his daily duties that he has very little personal time left on most days.  The sub retains the individual parts of himself but understands that his outside desires take a very back seat to everything else.  In these relationships subs usually have very few limits and he can expect any that he does have to be regularly pressed.

5.  Extreme.  This level describes the most extreme levels of Femdom.  This is where things like slave/Mistress relationships exist and a sub is willing to undergo any and all expectations the Domme may have of him.  He likely has no personal life beyond his Domme (except possibly for a job) and doesn't have any expectations of pleasure beyond his D/s needs.  She is his world and doesn't seek anything beyond this.

As with most subcultures, as the intensity builds the frequency declines.  If I had to make an estimation, the breakdown of each category frequency would probably be something along the lines of:
1.  80%
2.  15%
3.  4.5%
4.  0.49%
5.  0.01%

I'm not going to judge any of these situations as right/wrong or superior/inferior.  It's more that I acknowledge that they all exist in varying forms and that in most situations, both parties prefer the type of relationship they have and its intensity.  If anything, I'd find that more submissive men would wish their relationship to be more intense than she does in most cases.

Newest drawing and a little update

From some of the comments both here and on some of the blogs and forums I follow I have a few posts I plan to make when I can free up the time.  I have about 5 partial entries that I hope to finish up soon in regards to them. 

I completed my latest drawing the other night.  I plan to practice my shading work in the near future.  I've found it's easier to work from vector art templates to do mouths and eyes.  The process on creating those as vector art is very time consuming and I doubt I could do better than what already exists out there to borrow from.  This was a bit more grand of an endeavor considering it has more than two people in it.  I do hope that the spirit of what I was trying to convey outweighs my amateurish execution.