Thursday, December 30, 2010

More drawing practice

Well... I keep drawing but I'm not really getting any better... just faster.

I guess I have to actually learn some fundamentals and train in them in order to make some progress but for the time being I'm just messing around with things I want to draw.

This drawing is based upon an advertisement for a coat I saw.  I drew it with and without a hat.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

50th Follower

My blog finally hit the 50 follower mark today. 

Thank you to everyone that reads and posts comments.  This makes me feel a bit happy.

New Drawing: Sissy Aerobics

I've been working on this one for a few days and wasn't quite sure how I was going to finish it up until tonight.

It's my first drawing with a caption.  If there's positive feedback I'll caption more of them (and possibly add some to my older drawings).  If not, I'll stick to just drawings.

I'm not quite happy with how the Domme's hair turned out but I don't feel like spending more time on it.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Punishment Log

A recent posting at the blog Forever Hers got me thinking a bit about some experiences I had with my first Mistress.

Since our relationships suffered from the same ups and downs that any relationship goes through, we weren't always in the right mood to keep the D/s dynamic going all the time, but she had a method of keeping track of my behavior when things were both "on" and "off." 

Early on she had instituted a punishment log, which was a journal she used to record my infractions in, especially during the early periods of my training.  In its original form each time I broke a rule it would earn a check-mark in the book along with a date/time and what I did to earn it.  At some point in time she would decide to punish me and each check mark was "worth" two spankings with a paddle (e.g. 20 strokes would cross out 10 check marks). 

At first she used this for several reasons:
-To make sure no infraction went unpunished.
-To weed out bad habits on my part.
-To avoid feeling guilty when she wanted to hit me.

Some early reasons for a check mark were things like not addressing her as Mistress or forgetting to ask permission to go to the bathroom. 

As our relationship progressed and the "new car smell" faded away our moods began to vary across a more normal spectrum and the amount of time she wasn't in Domme mode began to increase.  Some very stressful things also happened that ended up causing a great deal of strain on our relationship.  Around this time the punishment log began to evolve a bit.

While it still encompassed the normal rules during our D/s times she began to incorporate it into the more vanilla times as well, basically citing any time she felt my attitude drift away from the priority structure of our relationship (which is a fancy way of saying that she started recording the times that I was acting selfish).  Also, instead of simply using a single check mark she began to write out values for things she felt were worse offenses.  e.g. if we got into an argument and I pissed her off she might value that at 50 spankings.  I had to be really careful at times like these since she tended to get a bit trigger happy with the log book when she was angry.

Overall I think it was a pretty good idea to use the log.  It was quite cathartic to her and allowed her to let go of her anger when she knew that I would be punished for it later.  At other times she would let me know I had earned a mark and it would be enough for me to realize my attitude was poor and turn things around before it got worse. 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Bondage Devices: Puppy Restraints & Symbolism

I'm not a fan of puppy play but early on in my journey into the BDSM lifestyle the idea was introduced to me and the foreign idea of puppy restraints were described.  It took a while before I actually saw them and although they were pretty much exactly like the mental picture I had of them, I was still a bit fascinated by them in a couple of different ways.

For those who aren't familiar with puppy restraints, there's two primary devices that generally encompass puppy play.  The first are the actual puppy restraints.  These consist of a leather strap that wraps around the cock and balls.  On the strap are a one or two O-rings.  There are also a pair of wrist and ankle cuffs.  Each pair of cuffs is connected by a chain and the chain is threaded through an O-ring on the cock and ball strap.  The general purpose of the restraints is to keep the sub on his knees, unable to extend his arms or legs.  He can crawl but if he extends one arm (or leg), the other arm (or leg) is pulled closer to his balls.

Basically, he can't stand up, nor use more than one arm at a time.

The other common bondage devices of puppy play are fist mitts.  Fist mitts are a pair of leather bondage mittens that buckle around the wrist hold the wearer's hands in a closed position and restrict the thumb from being used.  The idea being that the wearer's hands become useless and uncoordinated, limiting any attempt at ordinary hand usage.

It took a bit of thought for me to discover just what drew me in so strongly to these items even when I have no desire for puppy play.  I soon realized that it was the original descriptions I had heard long before seeing them and the symbolic association they held that had my mind racing so out of control.  I'm sure some readers will say I am over-analyzing this but that's just how my mind works :)

With puppy restraints (aside from just using them for puppy play), it's the idea that to use one limb, you must give up the other limb.  Freedom can't be taken granted.  Attempted motion beyond what you are allowed will cause pain or discomfort to your genitals.  I've found this to be consistent with my views on the sacrifices one makes in submission.  Any gains are met with equal or greater loss.  In turn, the Domme can continuously inflict suffering and a physical manifestation of the give/take nature by simply placing her sub in the restraints for a period of time.

Fist mitts hold allure on a different level (in a way that isn't puppy play).  Why would a Domme put a sub in fist mitts?  Because she can.  His life just became infinitely more difficult trying to do anything and your hands just basically became stumps.  A fun idea if you enjoy cruelty.

I've learned from experiences that I prefer strict limits to the push and pull of the sliding chain.  I've had situations similar to the puppy restraints as well as motion limited with a chain run through a collar, belt, etc. where extending one hand pulls the other hand back.  I'm not sure why exactly but if faced with these options I tend to prefer bondage that involves second one:

-A 12" chain run through a ring, each end connected to one wrist restraint.
-Each wrist connected to a ring by a 6" chain. 

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

It's been a while...

Sorry I haven't posted anything for a while.  I was out of town and then sick and then super busy with things and I haven't had all that much time to think about things, write about them, or draw them.  Not much going on in terms of femdom stuff aside from it getting really cold and Mistress has brought her furs out.

I have some ideas for future posts and drawings that I'm mulling over right now.

For now, here is a drawing that I finished tonight.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Drawing Practice 2

This was my second attempt for today.

It is extremely frustrating for me to struggle with things but I know this is just part of the process.  Another two or three hundred hours and there will probably be some significant improvements hehe.  All this to be able to draw a more cruel looking Domme and a more distraught looking sub.

I'm also guessing it's fairly obvious by now at my lack of knowledge/understanding of how women actually wear make-up :P

Drawing practice

 I've wanted to work on eyes, mouths, and facial expressions/shading.  This is a practice tracing to see if I could do the types of shading I was hoping for and learning how to detail eyes/mouths, etc. It didn't turn out very well but it is a slight improvement and it helped me understand some of the techniques involved.  I'll probably have to do a lot of these before I start figuring it out.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Haunting Thought: Special Cruelty

Queen Goddess at the blog I am Her Maine sub posted a recounting of sissifying her husband.

If you've read a lot of my posts since I started you probably know I have a great appreciation for mind-fucking and that "killer instinct" that a Domme has towards dominating her sub.  A few weeks ago I was reading one of the posts there and came upon this paragraph describing their first public outing (driving around).

I have quoted it here:
"The closer we got the more she fidgeted. I have to admit that she was pretty passable from afar and I felt pretty comfortable but poor little Daphne was sweating like pig. Her mouth was dry and she was white as a sheet. I said to her since you are so parched we need to get you something to drink and pulled into a drive thru and ordered a few ice coffees. I guess they may have got a glimpse of Daphne but by the look on her face you would have thought I had her laid out on the hood. As I pulled away I stopped for a minute and ran my hands over her cute little short shorts. Her clit was totally soft which told me I was getting the response I was looking for. This was for my enjoyment not hers."

I can say as a sub it is very difficult to describe exactly what kind of cruelty "does it" for me, but the last three sentences absolutely capture a very special type of cruelty that I have only experienced a couple of times in my life and reading this made me drift into subspace.

It's hard to describe and understand it but I think it's the mix of intense suffering under complete control... but hey, I'm not completely sure :)

Haunting Thought: Roles - Unconditional Love & Strict Disciplinarian

Several years ago I was watching the movie, "Best in Show" with my Mistress at the time and a particular scene came on that has stayed in my memory since then.

If you aren't familiar with that movie, it was done by Christopher Guest and it's basically a fake documentary about the dog show circuit.  It's basically "This is Spinal Tap" but with dog shows instead of a rock band.

In the movie there's a scene where they're interviewing a lesbian couple.  This stands out to me for a couple of reasons.  Firstly, the femme lesbian is wearing a fur headband/bonnet type of thing and when we saw it Mistress said she thought I would look good in one of those.  Secondly, the dialogue.

The dialogue from this scene reads as follows:
Christy Cummings: It's interesting, we have kind of a family dynamic going on here which pretty much mirrors what I grew up with, I'm the mommy slash daddy, the taskmaster, the disciplinarian.
Sherri Ann Cabot: Mr. Punishment over here.
Christy Cummings: But I also reward and Sherri Ann is responsible for the unconditional love.

These lines really stuck with me as to how I felt about the D/s lifestyle and the roles I envisioned.  She was my taskmaster/disciplinarian and granter of rewards while I was her unconditional love.  It was an odd day and I still blush when I think about it.

Emasculation Tool: Tears

If you have been active in the lifestyle for a while you have probably seen or been a part of a situation where a Domme made a sub cry.

While this might be fairly easy with the right kind of pain, what about making it happen in the absence of pain? 

Some comments by Clarence on one of my earlier posts as well as Lady Grey's post, The Big Take-Away got me thinking about this topic a bit.

I've known quite a few Dommes over the years that get off by making a sub cry (although it's not always guilt-free on her part).  Guilt aside, I think the act of a man crying at a woman's hand is one of the ultimate forms of emasculation.  I have been made to cry during D/s activities on more than one occasion and I've been able to understand that (at least in my case) a sub's tears are the last resistance before surrender. 

This got me thinking about how to make a sub cry without the use of physical pain.  This might take the form of severe chastisement/scolding, the threat of something bad/terrible, or the knowledge of loss before the actual sense of loss has set in.

Breaking down a sub with words is fairly easy and can often stray into the realm of dishonesty or verbal abuse, but all in all, it's a fairly straight-forward idea.  Making a sub cry via threat or loss takes a bit more creativity on the Domme's part.  Basically, it takes a pretty significant mind-fuck. 

Threats are interesting but in order to be effective they must be believable.  "I'll take pictures of you dressed as a girl and post them on the internet and email all of your friends and family" might be possible, but in cases of an LTR both parties will wish to protect some semblance of privacy so that might not be a credible threat.  The best threats tend to be based upon actual experiences.  If you have him do something terribly painful or humiliating, the threat of repeating that activity might be enough.  This might be a very severe beating or some public humiliation.  If you practice a chastity lifestyle this might also serve as fuel. 

If the past experience was bad enough, it should be ingrained in his memory and probably carry some mild post-traumatic stress symptoms.  If a Domme is consistently strict, the mere mention of this activity and the implication that it will happen may bring him to tears.  These tears are an act of resistance, if it was surrender he would likely just nod or answer in compliance. 

The downside with threats is that they will eventually have to come true or they will lose their power.  To keep them alive the terrible activity will have to happen often enough to make its threat scarily real.

The knowledge of loss vs. the actual sense of loss is a bit more complicated.  It's easiest to illustrate with an example.  Let's say as a punishment she informs him that he will not be allowed to orgasm for a year and pulls out a Neosteel (or similar) chastity belt.  His immediately reaction might be to beg and/or to weep and cry.  These tears are shed at the knowledge of loss and attempt to prevent it and are very different tears than the tears he may shed 6 months down the road when he is still 6 months away from an orgasm with no chance of release. 

The key to instigating this type of tears is to key in on things that are important to him.  Cruel?  Sure.  Effective?  Yes. 

Courting Tips: Avoiding the Second Childhood

This is my first "real post" in quite a while... the first time my head has been clear enough to write something... :)

The "typical male fantasy" when it comes to Femdom often overwhelms newer Dommes, especially in cases where a vanilla wife/girlfriend discovers her lover is a closet submissive that wants her to be Dominant. 

One of the biggest negatives that women often face is the thought that she will have to do too much and have to work too hard in order to live up to what she feels he expects of her (and what may have been portrayed to her in fetish fiction, websites, etc.). One example of this is the thought that her independent equal will be reduced to a helpless, childlike state.  While there are Dommes out there that love to micro-manage or act as a cold-hearted slave-driver unleashing her inner prison guard, in my experiences these cases are quite rare.  In most cases, the thought of having to instruct her sub on how to dress, what to eat, when to go to the bathroom, watch over him to make sure his tasks are completed, etc. are probably laborious and tedious. 

One of the keys in maintaining a healthy, long-term relationship is to recognize how to balance autonomous action with control.

In many ways a sub may be very much like a child.  A few examples might be:
-Limited freedoms. 
-Rules to follow.
-Household chores.
-Rewards and punishments.

-A curfew or checking-in.
-An allowance.
-Must answer to an authority figure.

However, unlike children, subs shouldn't need a baby sitter.  A submissive is an adult that should be fully capable of functioning independently if needed, the only difference being the parameters of freedom.  Basically, they must behave responsibly like an adult but without the freedom of an adult.  This breaks down the common male fantasy in many ways but makes things more realistic to integrate into a lifestyle.  It is also what separates children from adults.

If a Domme orders the sub to clean the bathroom, she shouldn't need to oversee him or constantly check-up on him to make sure he is doing a good job and not screwing around (unless cracking the whip while he scrubs gets her off). 

I think this is one of the keys to maintaining most D/s relationships, especially ones that are in their infancy.  It's up to the sub to relinquish freedom while still maintaining a true level of responsibility.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Latest drawing

Here is my latest drawing.  I started with a base picture and built my own silhouette around it.  It took a bit more work since I had to add the body parts that weren't included in the original picture.  I also tried to do more with hair, although it didn't turn out how I wanted it to and my hair-drawing abilities still rank feeble at best.

I hope you enjoy it.  I included the original picture I used for the base as well.  It's basically the same jacket that was in my previous one... and it's a style that I absolutely love.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Yet another drawing

I just really haven't felt like writing much lately... that's not to say there aren't things that I need to sort out... it's just that I don't really see a positive conclusion that I could reach and it's really a downer emotionally.

So... I'll just keep on drawing until I find myself in a better place in my mind.

Tonight I did an experiment and created my own silhouette to build upon from a picture that I've had saved for years.  It's one of my favorites and I stumbled upon it before I had ever entered the BDSM lifestyle so it has quite a bit of sentimental value in that regards.

I know it's not the most creative thing in the world... to basically copy something that has already been done but I enjoyed doing it and I think it has turned out better than anything else I have done so far (although I still suck at drawing hair).  I added legs and a sub kneeling at her feet in the same outfit that I posted a few drawings ago.  You can use your imagination as to what she is having him do with his mouth.

I have included the original photo as a comparison.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Next drawing

Thanks to everyone for the support so far.

I'm probably going to stick to portrait-type drawings until I improve my skills a bit but I figured I'd post something a bit more "scene-ish."

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

More drawing

I promise I'll respond to comments in the next day or two.  This is another pic I did last night... and it ended up being a pain in the ass and took about 4 hours longer than I wanted it to.  Thanks for the feedback so far.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Another drawing

I still plan to reply to comments soon but I wanted to post this drawing that I finished this morning.

This is a design of a winter coat and outfit that I had pictured for my Mistress.  I'm not quite as happy as I could be with how it turned out, but hopefully my artistic skills will improve over time if I keep practicing. 


A few weeks ago I picked up a drawing tablet for my computer.  It's something I've wanted for years but didn't buy one until now.

I'm good at a lot of things, but sadly, drawing never has been one of them.  Over the years I've always wished I was a more talented artist since there were many ideas and scenarios I've had go through my mind or dreams that I wanted to be able to share in a visual format.   I have done some sketches here and there but I'm usually very ashamed of my poor drawing ability.  Learning to do artwork on the computer has always appealed to me since I don't end up rubbing through the paper from erasing so many times and there's lots of existing art to build off of.

Over the years my Mistresses have often wanted certain serving outfits that just didn't exist in any form without having to make them ourselves or commission someone to make them for us.  Since getting the drawing pad and some new software I've entered the realm of vector-based art... which is an entirely new thing to me.  Since I've needed a mental escape from some of the more emotional things going on right now I've been killing time messing around with drawings and figuring out the new software during some of my free time. 

My first attempt at a drawing was a D/s scenario that I tried to do free-hand.  Unfortunately I'm rather terrible at drawing accurate body proportions and I just wasn't happy with how that was turning out so I decided to try a few new pictures using a vector silhouette as a starting point, modifying it a bit, and then filling in the details over it.

While I'm very self-conscious about my drawings, I figured an anonymous place like an anonymous blog is probably a place that I can share it without getting my feelings crushed too badly.

Just to get my neurosis out of the way...

I know I'm terrible at (and trying to get better at):
-drawing faces (especially eyes and mouthes)
-accurate body proportions
-drawing hands and feet

The original art for this is much bigger and I didn't realize just how much detail would be lost when I shrunk/compressed it so a few details that might not be clear:
-Yes, that is supposed to be a CB-2000.
-The chain across the chest is attached to nipple rings and the letters spelling "Sissy Boi" are supposed to be letter-shaped charms dangling from the chain.
-The belt is padlocked on.

I just found the command to easily outline things so I converted another version with borders around everything.  If you think one looks better than the other, please let me know.

If anyone has any feedback or requests, please let me know.  All I ask is to please keep criticism constructive.

A little update

Well, it's been a while since I logged into my blog... probably the longest I've gone without logging in since I started it back in April.

Over the past few weeks life has been rocky at best and almost unbearable at its worst.  Mistress and I have had quite a few heavy arguments and there has been a few times where we almost broke up and there was a stretch there where that seemed almost inevitable.

We have agreed to try to work through things but our lives haven't stabilized yet in regards to that.  I'm still a bit conflicted in my head right now and just haven't had the desire to write. 

I will try to catch up on my reading of other blogs and respond to all of the comments left here soon.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


Things are a bit rocky right now but Mistress and I managed to go out shopping a few days ago.

Each year we go out looking for a coat or two for her and build an entire wardrobe around it with coordinating gloves, boots, hat/headband, scarf, purse, etc.  Some years are better than others for what we find, especially when it comes to finding good deals.  We can dedicate a modest budget to this endeavor each year but sometimes we get lucky with sales/clearances and end up being able to afford two or three coats/outfits for her. 

We were able to find a coat or two that fit her style but not in her size.  The search will continue.

We did stumble upon a few items that she picked out for me.  She knows it pushes my buttons because when she approaches me with it and says something I'm unable to talk and I turn red.  This year's women's winter clothing seems to be a mix of some odd downplayed colors, diva-bling, and some very frou frou items.  She tends to prefer dressing me in the latter so I usually know what to expect.

At one store she found a pair of pink faux fur leg warmers.  Neither of us really care for faux but once she saw them I knew we weren't leaving without buying them.  At another store we found a few items, first was a pair of off-white mittens trimmed with white fur and a matching off-white hat trimmed with white fur.  After some deliberation she decided to pass on those since we already have a lot of similar items and she picked out a pair of huge, fluffy baby blue fox fur earmuffs.  She held them up over my head to put them on me and then laughed when she saw me cringe and rubbed the fur on my face while calling me a sissy.  She then said, "I think we're going to get you baby blue this year," and we ended up getting the earmuffs.

When we got back she made me model them for her until she had to get ready for work, when she had me lay on the bed face down while she gave me a spanking and then had to leave.

Monday, October 11, 2010

How Things Change

I realized this past weekend just how much my daily mindset has changed since I first started writing this blog.  I kind of regret bursting out my first 40 posts or so before I really had many readers.  I think a few of those earlier posts would be useful to some of you out there.  If you find any that you would like me to re-post, please let me know here or by email.

When I first started writing it was for catharsis and understanding.  Now that I have written quite a bit and come to terms with many of the emotions that had confused me before, I find myself craving input and comments from others to find inspiration for writing.  Thank you to everyone who has posted comments or emailed me, those are the things that seem to keep me going. 

Adjusting Our Arrangement

As I wrote a couple of posts ago, Mistress and I  have been going through some hard times on a relationship level. The fire hadn't been burning for quite some time.  After several discussions and a few arguments that almost led to us breaking up in the past week, we were finally able to communicate a bit and reach some common ground and understanding, and the spark managed to relight a bit.

We went out shopping and when we returned Mistress put on the sweater I got for her last X-mas and jumped my bones.  I fell into a pretty hard subspace and in that state I fell into the person that she has wanted me to be (and she let me know that).  Then I tried to talk about things, honestly, from my submissive state.

While we have been together for several years, I have a few more years worth of BDSM experience having served several Mistresses in the past before I met her.  She was rather new when we met and she doesn't have a large repository of experiences with other subs to draw from in terms of techniques or continuous lifestyle dominance.  She has tried a few things in the past that didn't work very well and they seemed to have shattered her confidence to the point where she was unwilling to do much or say much about her needs.  The reason I'm mentioning this now is because it will hopefully clarify a bit what happened next.

When we started to talk it became abundantly clear that she sought out ways to make me be this way more consistently.  I had been craving this subspace for what felt like months and I did what my gut told me to do, which was to lay out a road map to help guide her.  This was received and appreciated by her.  I know it was pretty much topping from the bottom, but at the same time it was what she wanted me to do:  open up and tell her what things put me and kept me in subspace. 

I was intoxicated with the moment, my love for her, and the submissive feelings that I crave so much that I just started to say some things even though I knew in my head I will likely regret many of the things I told her.

1.  Do not pay any attention to my penis during play.  While I get very aroused during play and enjoy having sexual pleasure, once I hit a certain level of arousal it tends to cloud my head and my priority becomes finding a way to climax more than pleasuring her.  While my orgasms always wait until after hers, over the past year or so, she has started to tease my cock too early into the play session for me to remain in a state that is dominated by submission rather than arousal.  My advice was to ignore my cock (or even lock it up in chastity) and to focus on her own things.  If she caught me playing with myself at all during play I told her to flip me over and spank me (which is something she really enjoys doing). 

2.  Play shouldn't always end with my orgasm.  I shouldn't orgasm during play.  Post orgasm I go into the standard exhausted/selfish state that men are prone to.  If she wants me to be more affectionate after play I just shouldn't orgasm.  During the times that we are very sexually active I tend to have problems with plumbing backups that lead to blue balls/pain.  My orgasms should be used only ease that state or prevent it from becoming too painful.  I also asked her to come up with some form of ritual or circumstances in order to make my orgasms a shameful experience (which is more likely to avoid sub drop in its aftermath).

I had reached a state of swollen discomfort by the time I had made her orgasm a dozen times or so, so she did allow me to orgasm afterward.  She had me wear a pink hat with a fur pom pom and had me masturbate into the toilet while she twisted my nipples.  About two minutes after orgasm it donned on me what I had told her and I was thinking "I don't think I really want that."  It's weird, because deep down I do know I really want that, but I also don't want it. 

I realize now that I hadn't talked about those ideas before even though I knew my submissive side wanted them.  Usually I would hit such an aroused state where it went beyond the point of submission and I really wanted to cum. 

In my previous relationships this wasn't as much of an issue since they were a bit more well-versed in lifestyle dominance and most days were kept full of surprises and kink.  I shouldn't really try to over-think it I guess, just see how things go and try to work from there.

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Matching Game

Some entries by Mistress at Forever Hers and Queen Goddess at I am Her Maine Sub got me thinking back to some of my experiences over the years. 

When I was with one of my previous Mistresses we used to shop a lot.  I enjoyed shopping with her and helping her pick out her clothes and/or finding gifts for her.  She would ask for my opinions and I would give her my honest reactions, so many of her clothes were things that she knew I thought looked sexy on her.

We were very much in love and when I'm in love I have a tendency to get a bit playful.  She would describe it as bratty and she would let me do it because it would fire her up and she enjoyed beating the brat out of me (which happened quite often).  Because this often happened in public and it would be a while until we could be alone she began carrying some punishment items along with her on our trips.  Sometimes these were new surprise items that she had purchased without me and other times it was something we already owned, but she always let me know about them and they served as a looming threat to keep me in line (or if she got turned on enough and her dominance kicked into gear).  It might have been a pair of panties she would order me to go put on in the public bathroom or something more flagrant like a pair of pink earmuffs or a pink beanie. 

Even if I wasn't acting up she would sometimes try on a new pair of leather gloves or a pair of boots that got her very turned on and the punishment item would get pulled out.  In these cases I either had to wear them or was allowed to keep them in my pocket but she would decide we should go shopping for some matching items... perfectly matching.  As you probably know, with the exception of true white and true black, just about every color has thousands of variations of shades and hues.  This made this "game" rather difficult.

She might put a pair of pink fuzzy angora gloves on my hands and we would then go shopping for a matching scarf and hat.  Well, it was more like I would go shopping while she watched me.  I would be browsing the women's winter items and have to hold the item and compare its color against the color of the gloves and find something that was a perfect match (and hope that no one else would see me doing it).  This might take nine or ten stores to find something close.  Close was dreadful because she wouldn't give an opinion on it and she would tell me "that's what sales girls are for," implying that if I needed reassurance that I had to approach one.  *Studies have shown that women are much more sensitive to small color discrepancies than men are. 

After a few trips where this happened she began planning it out more thoroughly and making things more difficult.  She might have me wear a pink or purple turtleneck sweater and while I was allowed to wear a coat over it, she would then have me shop for some other items to match it (e.g. tights) so I would have to open my coat to compare.  Needless to say that barely opening your coat to hold an item against your shirt to compare the color looks a lot like shoplifting.  She began to add other stipulations and criteria, like the items had to be of a similar style/attitude and shopping trips to gather entire outfits soon began happening.  Luckily not every item needed to be a perfect match, but they still had to be a common hue, differing only in shade.  e.g. a Dark Pink sweater could be accessorized with Light Pink mittens, scarf, and hat as long as the hues matched.  After a while, she wouldn't even make a list but she expected me to come up with everything we would need to complete the outfit.  If I left something out it was bad news (luckily I'm a fast learner).

In many cases, I wasn't able to find matching items and she would punish me afterward with a sound beating and some corner time. 

In hindsight, recalling this story arouses me but actually remembering how it felt to do this, these trips were really terrifying and unpleasant and didn't arouse me at all.  When she noticed that I didn't get aroused when the humiliation hit a certain point she would tease me even more. 

I think the repetition of these events spoke a lot about her type of dominance.  She loved to watch me suffer.  She loved to know how much mental anguish she was inflicting on me.  She loved it when I would cry afterward and curl up next to her and lay my head on her thigh.  She loved punishing me for failing to meet her demands.  She loved that I would over-anticipate some of her expectations and end up humiliating myself because of it.   I really did love her.

A few other examples of matching game items that we did, some of these were over the course of months/years.  Also keep in mind that none of these were ever anything close to what she would ever consider wearing:
-Starting item:  Pink Fur Earmuffs   Coordinating items:  Pink Fur Scarf, Pink Fur-Trimmed Gloves, Pink Fur Vest, a Lighter Shade of Pink Beanie, a Sweater to match the Beanie, Leggings that matched the sweater/beanie, Boots that matched the gloves, a Darker shade of Pink Skirt, a Purse that matched the skirt, and Light Pink Boots.
-Starting item: Fuschia Spandex Mini-Skirt.  Coordinating items:  Lighter Shade of Neon Pink Spandex Top, Fuschia Gloves, Fuschia Arm Warmers, Lighter Shade of Neon Pink Leggings, Fuschia Leg Warmers, Fuschia Beanie, Fuschia Canvas Shoes, and a tiny backpack. 

Repeat similar types of outfits in White, Off-White, Lavender, Baby Blue, and about 5 more shades of pink. 

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Courting: Needs, Prioritizing, and Sacrifice

I've tried writing this like 15 times but keep getting interrupted or distracted from finishing it.  This was written across several sessions which usually disrupts any kind of continuity, but we'll see how things turn out.  I also know this is sort of a BS exercise, but it gets my brain working and helps me try to look at things from the outside and it might help someone out even if my statistics and estimations aren't wholly accurate.

Successful courting is probably the most difficult thing about the BDSM lifestyle.  This applies to both subs and Dommes.  Sadly, when all is said and done, pure luck and random chance play as much of a part as effort and hard work, but without the effort and hard work, you are not in the best possible position to succeed (which is why those are worthwhile).

From the perspective of the submissive male seeking a Dominant life-partner, courting can often seem like an impossible mountain and it's your job to climb it.  For a Domme, it's like standing on the beach and trying to spot the perfect grain of sand. 

So why do people tend to fail?  Usually for the same reason that vanilla relationships and courting also fail.  People have a tendency to look for the wrong things, have mixed up priorities, and are unwilling to make the necessary sacrifices for a relationship to work.

To give yourself the best possible chance to succeed, it is important to go into the search process with a clear head and a good idea of what it is that you are actually seeking.

Males are very prone to falling into the myth of the idealized fantasy.  How much experience you have within the lifestyle can often dictate the realism of what it is you are seeking.  Lambs (newbies) are often the most off-base, especially those that have spent many years fantasizing before acting upon their instincts.  The problem with chasing fantasies is that they usually appeal to your sex drive more than your actual emotional needs and can skew priorities into a bad direction.

Women are less likely to over-fantasize about their men, but they do have a tendency to prioritize poorly until repeated failures teach them to look for the right characteristics.  When the the right characteristics don't get prioritized correctly relationships can burn out rather quickly.  

Getting Down to Needs

So what is it that we need?  I've always believed that what people seek out over the course of their lives is they want to feel loved, useful, and appreciated.  This is taking life as a whole and piecing together a composite of these needs from their relationships, friendships, career, and hobbies/recreation.

The BDSM-lifestyle adds another aspect that might seem shallow when viewed from a vanilla perspective, but when it comes to the D/s lifestyle, sexual needs get elevated to a higher level than they would be otherwise.  In this case I'm not referring to the act of sex or a specific act, but more-so simply the inclusion of things that turn us on.

Basically, our needs then boil down to this:
-To feel loved/cared for and appreciated.
-To have our sexual cravings met.

Prioritizing What We are Seeking
This can be trickier than you might think but in its simplest form it boils down to a few factors:
-Cohesive Personalities - do they have common life goals, similar sense of humor, interests, etc.?
-Physical Attraction - is there a sexual response when you look at them or think about them in a sexual way?
-Emotional Attraction - do they make you feel like you're on top of the world?  Do you idealize them when you think about them?
-Common Sexual Desires - does your kink and their kink overlap?

All of these are important to some extent, the problem is how heavily should each be weighted? 

Before tackling that question, I think it's important to at least acknowledge that each one affects the others.  A shared fetish can make someone appear much more attractive than they would otherwise.  A cold fish personality and emotional response can kill the sex drive no matter how attractive they may be.  A strong emotional connection can overcome many obstacles and raise the status of all of the others.

Of course this differs on a case by case scenario, but let's just assume that if several of these factors match up fairly well, it will increase the person's "stock" in the lacking factors.

The submissive man and dominant woman will probably have a slightly different order of priorities.  For our intents and purposes we'll say the individuals are seeking a long-term life partner and not just someone to play with.

For submissive men, common sexual desires should occupy roughly 40% of the pie.  While this might seem shallow, if you keep man's tendencies for fetish development in mind, he will continue to fantasize about his sexual needs that aren't met.  If he needs to look outside of the relationship for fantasy, he will never be fully committed to the relationship and that violates ones of the basic premises of the D/s relationship. 

Emotional attraction and cohesive personalities should be pretty evenly weighted, occupying approximately 25% each. This will ensure that you are both on the same page to build a life together and ensure that your emotional needs are met.  If you want to feel loved or if you want a cold-hearted bitch, if she makes you feel the way that you need/want to feel, etc.

Physical attraction comes in last, making up the final 10%.  This might seem low to some, but you have to remember that physical attraction is probably the easiest of all of these categories to boost by other means.  If she is into the same kind of sexual play that you are, that is a huge turn on.  If she makes you feel the way you need to feel, that is a huge turn on.  Basically, if the other factors are working well, she will be more attractive to you.

For Dommes, the structure is a bit different and will vary based upon what she is looking for: Dommes that want a loving, caring D/s relationship (Domme A) vs. Dommes that want a boy toy to use and abuse without strong emotional attachment (Domme B).

Domme A should value emotional attraction and cohesive personalities as the most important factors.  If he makes you happy and you want similar things in life, there's a good chance things will work out regardless of your differences.  I would estimate these at roughly 35% each. 

Since she is the sought after and he is the seeker, common sexual desires pull up the bottom run at roughly 10% of the overall importance.  Basically, she can expect her sexual needs to be met and he can hope that things overlap.  Like physical attraction, her willingness to cater to his desires or ignore them completely will depend heavily upon emotional attraction.  The more she loves him the more she will care about his needs.

Physical attraction fills the remaining 20%.  From my experiences, this often has a great boost when women have a great emotional attraction to a man.  It shouldn't be ignored, but in my opinion, it shouldn't dominate other factors when you are seeking someone to share your life and love with.

Domme B can basically ignore most of these factors but when looking at what drives her most heavily and the ability to maintain a long term D/s relationship with very little emotional connection, it might look something like this:
Physical Attraction: 30%.  It is important that she is drawn to him since she can pretty much choose who she wants.
Common Sexual Desires: 30%.  While she doesn't need to value this highly, if she wants him to stick around even through emotional neglect and physical abuse it better do something for him sexually.
Cohesive Personalities: 30%.  This doesn't mean she values him as a person, but it does cover that their expectations for the relationship are similar.  She commands, he obeys, and he should have no other expectations of her. 
Emotional Attraction: 10%.  This is not her concern but this may build over time if he serves her well.

In a perfect world there would be no need for sacrifice.  Everyone would meet the person that they are most compatible with and we'd all be happy.  Alas the harsh realities show this isn't even close to being true and only a lucky few meet that perfect mate. 

The bigger reality is that the man will have to sacrifice more than the woman.  Due to the nature of supply and demand he can't afford to be super picky unless he's obviously an incredibly marvelous individual.  Working under the assumption that those words don't describe you (as most of us are a bit more ordinary) it's an unfair truth. 

On the bright side it is inevitable that both Domme and sub will have to make a sacrifice of imperfection entering into the relationship.  The key to ending up happy is making the right sacrifices.  Since certain factors are pretty easy to boost as long as the other factors are firmly in place, those are the ones that can be "bent" when courting.  He shouldn't expect every Domme to be a super model, and she shouldn't only consider chiseled adonises.  The right person will end up being just as attractive if not more attractive in the long run. 

Keeping an open mind about what you like and what you'd be willing to try sexually is also very important.  Love has a funny way of making you more willing to do things simply because they enjoy it, and you will often develop your own reason for liking it when you share those activities with your partner. 

It's much more difficult to boost emotional attraction but caring about their needs will always strengthen their emotional attraction for you and vice versa.  Cohesive personalities seem to be the one that can't really be helped as people will enter the relationship with that already in mind.  If that isn't there, the relationship doesn't really stand much of a chance, vanilla or D/s.

Any comments?

Window Shopping: Potential Gifts for Mistress

Keeping the Wheels On: An Exercise in Complexity

I know that I've written in the past that D/s relationships can be difficult when there aren't open lines of communication and how the D/s aspects can be dysfunctional at times if the submissive party isn't able to give any input on the direction of the relationship.

Now I'm in the midst of one of those times where there was some betrayal of trust that has led to an emotional conflict within me.  Earlier in the week we went out for the evening with a group of vanilla friends.  There was a lot of drinking involved and I sober-cabbed us back to our home and several of our friends came along to hang out.  Upon returning back my Mistress disappeared along with one of the men who was out with us.  I went up stairs and walked into our bedroom and found him naked standing in front of her while she was sitting on the bed.  I said that it wasn't okay and she said they were going to come downstairs again.  Twenty minutes later I returned upstairs and he had his pants on, but she was getting undressed.  This led to a bit of a confrontation.  She admitted that she had planned on pegging him (even though he was so drunk he could barely stand).  

There is a little back story to this.  For the past couple of months our lives have been about 95% vanilla and 5% D/s, so it's not like we are in some 24/7 cuckold situation.  In the past we had talked about certain BDSM activities that go beyond the scope of what I am interested in or are/were hard limits.  In those cases, we met the other person, got to know one-another, and she did some play with other men under some pre-defined circumstances and expectations.  One time she whipped a guy harshly with a single tail in exchange for having him clean our house.  Another time she pegged a guy a few times and he gave her many gifts such as a fur coat, expensive purses, etc.  These were people I knew and we would all hang out together as friends. 

This situation is a bit different in a few ways:
-Things had not been pre-negotiated.
-He was one of our mutual vanilla friends that is also friends with our other vanilla friends.
-It was done without my consent.
-She was going to do it without his full consent (he was aware enough to know he was going to be doing something sexual, but never really knew she was going to peg him). 

It's not like my permission is paramount.  If she feels super strongly about something that I'm not comfortable with, I am okay with her playing elsewhere to have those needs satiated.  I just want to know when my abilities aren't doing enough to satisfy her needs.  I have torn down nearly every hard limit that we established entering the relationship in order to become more pleasing to her.  Because certain things take time, e.g. a few weeks with a training plug in order to stretch out the rectum for a strap-on, she hasn't taken an interest in taking that time with me and in this case she wanted to look elsewhere. 

This hurts me quite a bit in several ways.  After four years together I'd like to think she is willing to work towards things with me.  I've come to terms with a lot of this but I'm just not sure how I should feel about it.  I'm hurt and angry and feeling betrayed (both with her and with our friend).  The night that it happened she played the "but I'm the Domme and can do what I want," card and that had me a bit frustrated.    If things were 24/7 I could accept that, but if I'm only submissive 5% of the time in the relationship, should I be expected to be submissive the other 95% of the time when it's convenient for her? 

If she's going to be dominant most of the time and I'm forced to adhere to a strict set of conduct and rules, then yes, I am a bit more okay with her doing what she pleases.  If I'm expected to be responsible, confident, and independent most of the time and snap into subspace simply to appeal to her reasons, I don't feel as okay about things.

This is one of those times where it's really hard being a sub.  "But I'm the Domme and I can do what I want," and "Well it was okay last time," just aren't doing anything to make me feel okay about things, more submissive, or to make me love her more.  Ignoring the lack of forethought and potential to ruin our public and professional lives if she had gone through with pegging him, I'm just completely confused and saddened by this.

I guess I don't know if I'm in the right to be angry about this.  In my deeper states of subspace I would probably just cry and hope to be punished for trying to deny her pleasure.  In the realm of common sense and normal mindset I just feel icky inside. 

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Pleasure by Denial: Having fun by taking away his fun

He's laying spread eagle on the bed.  Arms and legs tied to each bed post, a blindfold over his eyes.  He's not allowed to talk.  She's kept him heavily teased and denied for days.  She reaches out and touches his penis and it immediately springs to attention.  Slowly she strokes it until it is rock hard.  He moans and presses his hips towards the sky.  She increases her pace, he begins to pant.  He is swollen and throbbing, aching with desperation.  He takes a deep breath and emits a low grown.  She stops.  He bucks his hips, fucking the air, whimpering, squealing, to no avail.  She is ready.  She smirks, climbs onto the bed, and straddles his face.  She cums to her heart's content.

Why is this situation so right?  Why is his pleasure merely a game of power and control that she always wins?  Why do we love it?

I've never met a woman that didn't enjoy this situation, vanilla or Domme.  It always seems to appeal to women.  However, many women, mostly vanilla but some Dommes (especially newer ones) wouldn't feel completely okay about this situation unless the story continued with a sexual reward for him.  Assuming he is a sub, here's why it shouldn't matter.

His primary pleasure is submission and that is being granted.  Everything that he needs to be happy is already there.  He's allowed to be with a woman.  She's dominating him.  He's given the pleasure of pleasuring her. 

Femdom Dream Scenario - Exposed Outing

To the new readers, my dream scenarios are situations that have occurred at some point in time during one of my twisted dreams.  Both situations and bondage devices tend to be a bit fantastic, but hey, they're dreams and in dreams anything can happen.  Most of these situations have shown up in dreams multiple times, so I will give a basic account and then cover a few of the variations that I found interesting.

In this scenario, a man is feminized and taken for an outing (usually shopping at a busy mall in my dreams).  He is dressed like a slut in a very short skirt and no underwear.  If his penis is flaccid, the skirt is just long enough to fully cover his penis and scrotum.  If he gets erect, his penis will lift the front of the skirt and expose his penis and testicles.  His Mistress accompanies him on the outing, but isn't "accompanying him," she is never far, observing him but never by his side so it appears that he is alone.  To make things more difficult he has been locked in chastity for several weeks/months and hasn't had an orgasm in a very long time so his sexual frustration is peaked.

His Mistress lets him know that if he can keep his arousal under control he will only be humiliated but if anything turns him on he will likely be arrested for indecent exposure.  He is then ordered to complete a shopping list of items that play into his fetish.

He is given a fur muff to use as a purse and he is allowed to cover himself with it.  This makes his outfit even more humiliating and if he tries to hide his erect penis he ends up rubbing his penis with the fur muff, making himself even more aroused.  It also makes it even more difficult to retrieve money from the inner pocket of the muff without exposing himself.

This situation was a bit on the evil side.

Revisiting The Domme's benefits of forced feminization

Recently there's been a large influx of both Dommes that have entered the blogging world and other Femdom (or FLR) relationships that have integrated forced feminization into their D/s relationships and reading these blogs have given me some things to think about.

Much of what gets written about are the back stories behind the forced femme and experiences that go on between both Domme and sub.  I know this is what many readers want to read but in many cases it doesn't shed a lot of light into just why she likes it and what she gains by doing so.  For those subs out there who don't serve a Domme, that is where the answers lie in terms of courting or "convincing" an otherwise unwilling participant to give things a try.

I would probably cite the number one reason that forced fem gets introduced into a relationship is probably love.  A man and woman who have been together for a long time and either he introduces D/s into their relationship or she discovers his obsession with it and things go on from there.  In most cases these start with baby steps and lots of stumbling along the way.  Forced fem seems to either be introduced out of anger (e.g. catching him cross-dressing and beginning a Femdom relationship rooted on that aspect) or something that is reached slowly after fully developing a D/s relationship.  In the latter, there was usually some hint (or discovery) that brought up the theme long before and at some point it was introduced into the relationship.  In both cases the relationship continues to work usually out of some form of love for the man that has become their sub (or longstanding grudge that never would have surfaced in the absence of love).

Assuming love was the root cause, there has to be something beyond that for the Domme to want to take the effort to formulate rules and keep things going.  At this point things are similar to a pre-negotiated relationship that includes forced fem.  That is, we finally get down to the reason of what it does for her to make her want to do it.

Feminizing a male and enacting rules and punishments in relation to it means a lot of additional work for a Domme.  Not only are there the everyday rules, rituals, and punishments that must be upheld and the need for constantly creative machinations to prevent breakdown of the relationship, but now there's another party that has to be dressed and primped and an entirely new set of behaviors and mannerisms to oversee.  It's a high level of responsibility.

I believe there has to be something beyond that in order for the Domme to be willing to do this.  While each Domme differs, there are probably some common responses among them as to why they keep this going.

Here are a few reasons I can extrapolate from my years in the lifestyle:

-Increased obedience and submission.  Forced fem drops him into a deeper level of subspace improving his behavior and making him even more loving, attentive, and submissive.

-Attitude adjustment.  Forced fem strips him of his masculinity and dignity.  When he is dressed he is a different person.  This might seem similar to the first answer but it is performed to crush defiance rather than increase obedience.

-Overt Cruelty: "He hates it so I love it."  In these cases forced fem is usually implemented as a punishment.  If it turns her on to see him whimper and cry, this reason is fairly common.

-For his pleasure.  This is sort of an extension of love.  If he needs this in the long run, she makes it happen to ensure they are both happy.

-It keeps him off balance.  This serves no true purpose for her except to rattle his cage every so often and put him through the ringer.

-"I no longer see him as a suitable lover."  In cases where women seek strong masculine men, she likely lost her sexual attraction to him when he was outed as a submissive and this is used to remove any trace of sexual appeal.

-It makes him more attractive.  She might find him more attractive either dressed in a feminine way or she might find his personality more attractive when he is dressed.

-It is steering him towards his true sexuality.  In cases where he is closet gay/bi, she may wish to get him to fully open up and admit/experience his hidden desires. 

-A servant should have a uniform, so why not this?  For Dommes that prefer a stricter environment or a more formal Mistress/servant relationship.

I'm sure there are many more reasons but these are just a few I could come up with over the past half hour or so.  Please chime in if you agree/disagree with any of these reasons or you wish to add your own reason.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Revisiting sissy types and the conditioning of the male

As I was writing my last post I had a few additional thoughts that I wanted to mull over.

I've found it odd that my time here in the blog world has mainly had me reading and commenting on Femdom and FLR themed blogs but very little on sissification/feminization themed blogs.  At the same time, more than half of my readers are those whose primary interests are on sissification/feminization.  I guess this just strikes me as a bit odd, but I think it happens due to the variety of styles and motivations there are with forced feminization out there.  Basically, this post will be exploring why only certain things appeal to me.

If you look at sissies, there are basically two primary categories:
1.  "forced" sissies
2.  "willing" sissies

In my years on the internet trying to figure out my own role in this complicated mess of things, I've found that "willing" sissies tend to make up a much larger vocal internet demographic.  While much of this may be due to the lack of available Dommes, if he dresses without being told, I consider that willing even if his fantasy is to be forced.

Willing sissies can be further categorized:
A. Gender confused.  These are men that may more closely identify with femininity.  They may or may not wish to be girls, but they are definitely seeking something beyond their current masculine identity.  In these cases feminization may provide them with feelings of fulfillment they don't get with their normal male identity.

B. Heterosexual/bisexual crossdressers.  They may be straight or bi, but these men enjoy wearing women's clothes.  Their motivations may vary greatly, but the general outcome is the same:  they aren't homosexual but they dress willingly.

C. Closet homosexuals.  These are men who are gay but haven't accepted their own homosexuality.  As I've written in the past, it is sometimes easier to be "forced" to dress or fantasize about being feminine without openly being gay.

D. Out-of-the-closet homosexuals/transgendered.  These are men (or women that were formerly men) that simply wish to take on the feminine role in a homosexual relationship.

E. Fetishists.  Fetishists are a bit different because they are usually strongly drawn towards one or more particular feminine clothing items.  They might not get off dressing as a woman but they might get off wearing women's boots.

Men that desire to be cuckolded often (but not always) fall into one of these categories as well.

Forced sissies have much fewer flavors but there is some variety (assuming the choice isn't theirs and there are severe repercussions for refusal):

AA. Turned on when dressed
            1.  because of humiliation
            2.  because of a clothing fetish
            3.  because of subspace
BB.  Not turned on when dressed

So where do I fit into all this?

AA is an interesting group since it opens doors to conditioning a transition from forced to willing.  I believe I can trace my own route through this lifestyle by starting there.  My first few months in the lifestyle had me starting as an AA2 but quickly adding AA1 and AA3 into the mix.  Basically, after a few months I fit all three types of AA. 

After a few years in the lifestyle and sexual relief granted only under extreme humiliation and feminization my body developed a sexual association with feminization, humiliation, and sexual climax.  As time passed, at some point it turned me on more to be feminized and dominated than to just be dominated.  This was a strange time and it led to a bit of an identity crisis.  Over the past year I have started to associate myself as being as sissy.  When I correspond with others in the lifestyle it doesn't take long before I admit to it and I even created my persona here in the blog world as a sissy. 

I'm not sure this makes me "willing."  I don't ever dress up on my own, I only dress when ordered to do so.  At the same time, I know that any relationship I have in the D/s lifestyle will require feminization in order to give me maximum pleasure and fulfillment.  Does this make me a willing type B or E?  Or am I still an AA? 

I know it doesn't really matter, but I guess the best way to describe it is I am B or E if humiliation, deep subspace, and fur are involved.  So, a conditional willing or an enthusiastic forced?  Oh well, there's no point in debating semantics, but I think this might have something to do with the struggle to connect with others in this aspect.  I do not consider myself feminine nor do I have any desire for homosexual activities (in fact, this is one of my absolute hard limits).

I think I really like it for the mind fuck potential.

rfoj74's comments on my "Putting the Forced in Forced Feminization" post probably clicked with me most in regards to this subject. 

Returning to conditioning, it doesn't seem to take all that long to develop certain associations that will trigger the male sexual response.  If something is consistently present and focused upon during sexual pleasure/climax, it will slowly integrate itself into the male psyche and become a part of sexual arousal.  Basically, you can force a man to develop a fetish without his knowledge.  This leads to an even greater power play as he will likely struggle with this new identity (as I know I have) and also carry the stigma of being a sissy.  Overall this can lead to even greater control over him in a D/s relationship and reinforce feelings that you are the only one that could ever understand him.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Women and the Gender Reversal of men

Lady Grey left some comments on my writer's block post and posed an interesting question.

Her question was as follows:
"Why is it that so many women enjoy seeing a man dressed up as a woman and doing "woman" type things? I'm especially intrigued by the number of "vanilla" women who react with such amusement when a TV show portrays that situaion - women who would never dream of being dominant. Any thoughts?"

This is something that has left me curious over the years, especially the mixed reaction that is quite common.  Basically, women are amused by this but the majority of these women would have no interest in a feminized man as a partner or lover.  I will get to that later in the post but I thought I would put it out to the forefront for the time being.

I believe the root of why women are amused stems greatly to the types of societal pressures they regularly feel in life.  Men also feel pressures but the great difference between the pressures felt by men and by women is pretty simple: the pressures felt by men are consistent in steering them towards one behavioral style.  For men, it has been a societal norm since the breakdown of the caste/feudal systems that men should aspire for greatness in whatever they do.  They should be strong, fast, smart, ambitious, creative, "manly," aggressive, assertive, and successful, all of which are typically alpha male characteristics.

Women, on the other hand, tend to feel pressures pulling them in opposite directions.  These pressures are constant and always present stemming from media, peers/co-workers, family/parents, societal norms spanning several very different generations, ideas of femininity, feminism, and so-forth.  This leads to a mixed bag of expectations that become incredibly difficult to fulfill unless they stretch themselves so thin that they lose focus on their own dreams and desires.

-Be beautiful
-Be thin
-Be fashionable
-Be attractive
-Be sexy but not slutty

-Be intelligent
-Be ambitious
-Work hard
-Be content with lower pay for the same job
-Accept time-honored traditions of sexual harassment
-Be judged by appearance: too attractive loses credibility, too homely sets you back
-Pursue careers and fields "fit for a woman"

-Allow the man to be the breadwinner and head of the household
-Attend to "womanly" household duties and chores
-Fulfill your husband's sexual needs
-Take primary responsibility for raising children
-Look to the man for stability and a sense of direction
-Give up your maiden name

-Be strong and independent
-Never need anyone's approval
-Be equal to or better than men at what you do
-Be a role model for other women

Overall, the pressures lead to a giant garbled and mixed message:
You must be pretty, super pretty when you're "supposed" to be, but not too pretty the rest of the time or you won't be taken seriously.  Have lots of ambition and goals but you'll have to try twice as hard to get half as far and never expect to reach the top.  Be successful, but not more successful than your husband.  Be strong willed and driven but always submit to your husband's wishes.  Fulfill your career goals but also provide a perfect environment for your family.

So all women are supposed to be successful but not too successful transforming models that are strong yet always give in to men and attend to every household need.

The identity issues caused by such pressures on women contribute strongly towards things like self-esteem and loss of self.

While men might argue the pressures they feel on a daily basis since they are old enough to walk and talk are "equally strong," the great difference is that those pressures all point to a unified and consistent psyche, not one full to the brim with contradictions. 

Because of these norms, Femdom and male submission always seems to appear "more deviant" than male Dom and female submission.

Getting to the amusement aspects for women when viewing an emasculated male, I think there is a bit of a split here that leads to different reactions. 

A.  The alpha male that is a direct product of his societal pressures.
B.  The omega male that has buckled under the weight of the societal pressures.

Women love to watch the alpha male knocked off his high horse and have his ego trampled.  When the successful cut-throat jock shows up on TV (or wherever) feminized and humiliated, it tends to light a fire inside women, and all of the pent up emotional issues caused by years of conflicting societal pressures bursts to the forefront.  They see it not only as a man being cut down to size, but a symbol of all of the extra trials and bullshit expected of women immediately thrust upon a man.  This once proud symbol of masculinity has become a conflicted entity and he is unable to bear this pressure, so it shames and humiliates him.  He's not as strong as he wanted people to think.  He can't deal with the conflict.  This tends to provide great amusement for women.

There is a different reaction when an omega male is portrayed feminized.  He has already failed in life.  He is unattractive, unsuccessful, unable to overcome the pressures of the male world.  He is a loser.  When he is feminized it is "pathetic," and "disgusting" if it turns him on.  He doesn't fight and struggle to salvage his dignity, it was already gone.  He couldn't handle the more basic male pressures, so watching him crushed under the weight of a woman's pressures bears nothing to her.  She doesn't take pleasure in this and she is probably disgusted by him (yet oddly enough, this is often the basis of much of men's humiliation fantasies).

I believe these are the primary reasons feminization of men often appeals to women, but in most cases, the amusement is limited to men "that deserve it" and in cases where it happens to a successful yet unlikable male character. 

If you take things a bit further, to say, what types of women would enjoy doing this to their male partner/lover, there is another great divide.  There's plenty of women out there, both vanilla and Dommes, that would be put off if their men got turned on by being feminized (even if it was forced).  This tends to conflict with the type of man that they are "supposed" to be with and the role he is "supposed" to have in their relationship.  I think there is also some inherent fear that this means he is automatically gay and that he will leave her for a man.  Either way, if it does turn him on, it tends to shatter her notions of what he is supposed to be and she often rejects him after that.  Oddly enough, much of who he is was probably an act in the first place as he was adhering to societal pressures of what he as a man is supposed to be like.  If he sits around playing video games or obsessing over $1000 golf clubs instead of helping at all around the house, this isn't manly man behaviors nor is it submissive, it's probably just who he is.

This leaves the women who enjoy the idea of their partner/lover being feminized.  These women have often rejected much of the "expectations of women" that were placed on them by society.  She might enjoy it because it will bond them on another level or because it brings him intense humiliation or arousal, or just because it gives her a charge of power.  In any case, these women tend to be in the minority.

Any thoughts?

Monday, September 27, 2010

Writer's block

I'm not sure if it's stress or lack of action in my relationship but I'm having a severe case of writer's block.  I have a handful of half-finished posts that just don't seem to be going anywhere.

If anyone has any questions or ideas, please let me know as I'm in need of a bit of a jump-start right now. 

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Yeah, I'm predictable

I know I'm predictable, but this is so hot (albeit not very practical nor functional). 

I'm at a complete and total loss over these boots though.  I'm not sure if I think they're sexy or if I hate them.  I guess I would probably have to see the rest of the woman to know for sure.

Keeping up the momentum

A while back on my July 14th post, I was writing as a response to Lady Grey's suggestion to write about the responsibility of health concerns when it came to D/s activities.  When I was trying to think about what to write about this evening (it's been a while since my last "intellectual" post, if you want to call them that) and mixed with my current situation it gave me some things to think about.

I always applaud the Dommes out there that are able to keep their D/s lifestyles going a good portion of the time, always finding ways to keep their subs captivated, or at least on edge.   It's common, when stresses of life or health come into play that the D/s sometimes fades away for periods as things get settled.  This isn't always the case but you'll find many blogs shared by Dommes and subs that often write about dry spells where both parties seem a bit unhappy and not getting enough "quality" time to spend with one another.

My Mistress and I are currently in a bit of a dry spell, in that it's probably been 5 or 6 weeks since our last D/s interaction.  We've both been busy, stressed, stretched in both time and money, and drifting slowly towards the land known as depression.  Even with seeing this it's still difficult to snap out of the funk.  In a D/s relationship this gets especially tricky due to the nature of the roles.

When a sub feels neglected it is generally acceptable behavior to communicate this to the Domme but doing more than stating what is most likely obvious to both parties often nears a D/s taboo.  It's a bit odd in this way.  "We haven't had much time for play and I miss it," is okay but to insist that it should happen soon and in what way/shape/form it should occur treads the line of the ever-so-dreaded topping from the bottom.  If his pleas go unheeded it may lead to relationship stress and resentment.  If he begins to insist on anything, it starts to erode the very nature of D/s.

On the other hand, if the feelings are felt more strongly by the Domme, she may simply instigate whatever D/s activity she wishes in the moment and the problem is solved for both parties.

A vanilla outsider might say this is unfair but this unfairness is at the the root of the D/s relationship: she gets what she wants when she wants it, he might get what he wants if she permits that to happen.  The difficulty in this is that it puts a large amount of responsibility on the Domme while rendering the sub helpless to shoulder some of the burden.  I like to believe that most D/s relationships are happier when they are immersed in D/s and less happy when the D/s is absent. 

So who is responsible?  It's hard to say this without coming off as a lazy male, but in my opinion it ends up being primarily up to the Domme to keep things rolling.  That doesn't mean she has to always come through with fetish and theatrics, but if she is calling the shots on when/how the kink happens, it is up to her to find a way to inject kink when she can, even if it's just to keep both parties spirits up.  It could be an eventful evening or a small gesture (e.g. having him do chores naked wearing just a collar or servicing her before bedtime). 

That doesn't free the sub from responsibilities but his are a bit different.  Rather than instigating the kink it is up to him to keep her feeling sexy and powerful by his words and actions.  Romantic gestures and continued attentiveness through the drought are on his shoulders. 

Basically, I think that it's up to him to keep her feeling like a sexy and powerful Mistress while it's up to her to act as that Mistress enough to keep both parties happy and sane.

Any thoughts?

Sunday, September 19, 2010

This is going to be a good year

I'm really liking what I'm seeing so far from the European designers...

No fur... but wow.

The gloves this year are quite fetish-oriented...

This is one of those times I really wish I made more money so that I could buy Mistress a few new coats this year.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Illusion of Choice part 2 - Conditional Choices

Lady Grey's comments on my first post about the illusion of choice brought up a very interesting idea:  conditional choices. 

If the standard illusion of choice breeds a lose-lose situation, a conditional choice situation gives the submissive slightly different outcomes to consider, and could be considered more of a win-lose-lose situation.  I consider conditional choice to still carry the illusion of power since actual choice in most cases wouldn't include said conditions.

A few examples:

-A sub can have an orgasm if they are willing to take 50 whacks with the paddle or they can continue to be denied orgasm without a consequence (or with a lesser consequence, such as 10 whacks with the paddle).

-A sub can be feminized and humiliated in public or avoid the humiliation in exchange for 90 days of chastity.

-A sub can sleep in bed with his Mistress while in chains and gagged or he can sleep unbound in a different room.

Conditional choices carry a slightly different type of emotional reaction for the sub.  While they have the potential to receive pleasure (or avoid something very unpleasant) it is at the expense of something that is unpleasant to a lesser degree or unpleasant in a different way.  This carries an even greater "this is what you wanted" factor for the Domme to hold over him but it can also make the pleasure sweeter since it feels earned/deserved after meeting the conditions.

Since feelings of deserving and entitlement can cause a sub's male ego to grow I tend to believe that conditional choices are probably best employed in one of these situations:
1.  The conditional choice is a means to avoiding great unpleasantness rather than a true reward. 
2.  The conditions needed to be met for the reward are significantly worse than the pleasure gained by the reward.

In these two types of scenarios I see the greatest potential for a deep mind fuck.