Saturday, October 7, 2017

Thoughts on D/s Relationships

In a lot of ways you would think that it would be easier for those in the lifestyle to communicate with one another because we share so much in common.  Unfortunately there is often a clash of understanding since our backgrounds and belief structure tend to differ so greatly.  A lot of the time I enjoy talking about the differences, especially to hear people's reasons for why they believe what they do.  A lot of times it doesn't bode well though.  I don't have to agree with someone, but I do like to understand them.  Trying to maintain an open view can be hit or miss.

People who inject D/s into an existing relationship will have a very unique perspective on things.  There are many couples that are the "we were married 20 years but then started..." type.  Having half a lifetime worth of experiences that build love, trust, faith, and belief in the other makes these situations their own type.  They loved first, added kink later.  Within these you will find a very different outlook between women who found their husband's secret desired submission and those who as a couple embraced a new lifestyle together. 

When the desire is asymmetrical, things can often be rocky.  I would have to say that from my experiences, there are more men who want their wife to be (more) dominant than Dommes that wish their husbands were more submissive.  This same type of friction can happen in newer relationships as well.

The largest contrasting group as a whole are those who seek out relationships to be D/s from the start.  This brings about the frequently awful world of kink dating and the differences people desire.  While there are a group of men who get cowardly and ghost once things start to get serious, there are a lot of men that are looking to commit seriously.  A lot of them tend to be willing to compromise, accept what is offered, and are just happy to be with a Domme.  

This can be a bit different with women.  Some of them are seeking a perfect soulmate and will not settle for anything less.  Others want a long-term partner and are willing to accept a couple of flaws as long as the "base material" is a good fit.  Others expect relationships to have a shelf-life that will naturally run its course.  Some look to put together a composite of what they are looking for by accepting multiple subs of varying strengths.  Some are poly and don't try to limit their love to one person.  Some are poly and want those that serve as lovers and those who fill functional roles.  Others want to cuckold a man, so they are seeking two partners.  The list goes on.

This doesn't even have preferences in mind.  Are they seeking a slave?  A submissive life-partner?  A beta to run with their alpha?  Another alpha to dominate?  A houseboy/maid?  When communication gets difficult, frequently it is because the fundamentals of their search and process differ. 

Making it even more complicated is the desired dynamics.  Master/slave?  Female superiority/supremacy?  FLR?  24/7?  Bedroom only?  Somewhere in between? 

Is it consent-based?  Unconditional consent/conditional non-consent/meta-consent?  Will the sub be respected as an equal?  Treated as an inferior?  Respected but not equal?  Will there be love?  Will it be formal? 

Another major factor is experience level.  Veterans to the lifestyle tend to be fairly set in their ways.  Newbies are closer to a blank slate but often have unrealistic expectations.  People with similar experience levels are often best suited to "evolve together," as no one is playing catch up.  This has a pretty large impact upon it all.  Do people still have doubts or are they confident in their role and abilities?  Will someone be grounded in reality or still floating around with fantasy desires?

It is strange because I have had experience with lifestyle veterans, newer Dommes, and with people who have a lot of lifestyle experience but new to the role of dominant.  With newer Dommes, a lot of their growth developed around some of the dynamics that affected me the most.  With the veteran, once she had a good grasp of how my mind worked as a submissive, she actually refined her methods in a similar way.  The primary difference between them was that she was a lot more confident in pushing me from the start. 

I should note that all of my relationships have been loving even though the parties involved varied greatly by age, preferences, and experience.  This always makes me think that while there might be all of this focus upon flavors, that personal compatibility is still probably the most important factor.  When you care about each other, things seem to find a way to work.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Thoughts on Humiliation and Self

There are times when I hate that humiliation is such a strong gateway to bring me to my submissive mental space.  There are times when I hate that this process turns me on.  When I think about why I carry this frustration, it isn't because I dislike it.  It is because I fear that it will affect how others see me, and in turn, it will affect how others treat me.

My whole life there is one thing I have feared more than anything else.  I fear it more than pain and suffering.  I fear it more than humiliation and embarrassment.  I fear it more than losing my freedom.  That greatest fear is abandonment.  This one isn't unique.  I'm sure there are millions of other adopted individuals out there like me, who deep down have this terrified, creeping feeling that everyone they love will eventually leave.

I will do anything to make them stay with me and love me.  This was the mantra of my heart and soul for many years.  Well, it still is.  It is a manifestation of the broken parts of myself.  The trauma... the phobias... the deep down sense of longing... these fuel me to become the best version of myself.   Deep down, it is all a lie.  If I keep working hard, I can convince someone that I am better than I really am.  I can make them believe that I'm not just fucked up, useless, and broken beyond repair.

I have tried to heal.  I know what can be explained with logic and rationalized.  I know what the objective truth is.  The problem is that deep down, my heart's view of myself doesn't change.  No matter what I may accomplish, I always feel like I have duped the people that believe in me.

Over the past couple of years I have come to discover what my subspace truly is.  My submissive mental space is the state I enter when I accept and embrace the full extent of my vulnerability.  The honesty makes me feel submissive.  When I feel submissive, I feel honest.

Humiliation feels honest.  It is merely someone pointing out all of the things that I know to be true but I wish were not.  The truth hurts.  It is shameful, but it is true.  That honesty forces open my vulnerability and leaves me submissive.  It brings out the best version of myself.  Hurt me with the truth, but please don't leave me.

This may very well sound pathetic.  I don't consciously process these emotions in the moment.  I generally react with impulses.  Fierce motivation, intense obedience, and ultimate adoration of the one I love exist and are real in the moment.  It is only upon reflection that I can trace the roots of causality.  Honestly, it makes me a good submissive.

In my relationships she has always found a balance.  When she would care about me deeply, she would want to fix me, but after a while, we just make things work with me the way that I am.  Utilize the drive and dedication I generate from within... that are gently linked to fear.

There is a blueprint here.  Work me hard, drive me to utter exhaustion, and always expect perfection.  Take everything you can, use me absolutely, exploit all of me for your benefit.  Trap me, enslave me, and shackle me to your will.  Keep me broken, never able to rise up.  Play my fears against me, cripple me with doubt, and prod me to always try harder.  Dangle that carrot of love and affection and I will never tire.  Let me taste just enough to believe it is within reach and I will toil away without complaint.

When I am perfect, the doubts and fears fade away.  This is the only solution I can see.  This is a goal I should never reach.

Or, not.  I do like the warm fuzzies of intimacy, the feelings of the heart bursting with love, and embracing deeply with a connection of the soul.  Either way works for me.  Dealer's choice.

Although now that I think about it, it doesn't have to be one or the other.  Choosing to do both is an option, and probably the preferred one :)

Thoughts on a Friday

My blog traffic really exploded this week both in views and the number of interactions.  I know that Nora's link helped out quite a bit on that front. 

Something interesting happened.  Over the years I have had many types of interactions.  Praise or thanks.  Insults and disgust.  Disagreements and debates.  Support and empathy or sympathy.  Suggestion and constructive criticism.  Expansive discussion.  But this was a first.

This week I finally got teased (on Wordpress).  It wasn't mean-spirited, just friendly and playful teasing but on the aspects of myself that I am the most embarrassed and ashamed about.  It felt wonderful and made me feel so very submissive.  I am very grateful to have experienced this and to those who helped on that front, thank you so very much.

I do have a couple of friends that will tease me about things, but they are people that have known me for years and I am pretty grounded with how they feel about me.  It feels very different to be teased by someone that I am less familiar with.  It "kicks" a little harder and then the reality sinks in that, "this is how they see me."  Every time I think back to it, those feelings resurface.  It makes me blush and shiver.  I feel like it puts me in my place... at the bottom of the totem pole.

I'm cringing at the thought of sharing more about the deepest shame within me, but it's almost like I'm a moth being drawn to the flame.

Thank you, everyone, for reading.  The likes and comments really keep me going.

Take care.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Redundancy in D/s

Redundancy is one of those words that often carries a negative connotation with it.  Unnecessary.  Superfluous.  Excess.  When we deal with it in the world it can often seem tedious, wasteful, and bureaucratic.

However, I find redundancy in design to be fascinating.  Fail-safes.  Checks and balances.  Backup systems.  Contingencies.  Everyone has probably seen some movie or TV show where some secret agent type character enters the secret lair which requires like 57 different security checks to get in.  Palm print, retinal scan, password, vocal recognition, and the like... often in addition to a key of some sort.  The more redundant security measures are in place, the more important whatever is being guarded must be, right?

Most D/s relationships have some amount of redundancy built into them.  However, just how much varies by a great amount and often says a lot about a particular Domme's philosophy on the lifestyle.

A Domme that wishes to oversee and control nearly every aspect of a sub's life will likely have a load of redundant measures in place.  A Domme that believes a sub should do everything of their own free will, likely has very few redundant measures in place.

I tend to look at each measure of control as a layer.  It begins with an idea or ideal.  The idea evolves into a rule.  A rule can have consequences.  Consequences can escalate.  Revisions and provisions can be made. 

If the Domme orders the sub not to touch themselves without supervision or permission, this may become a rule.  Breaking the rule may have a punishment or dismissal.  She may have him wear a chastity device so that he can’t get fully erect or touch himself.  She may add spikes to the device so that he will experience pain if he even attempts to get hard.  But what if he agreed not to touch himself from the get go and obeyed this order?

Assuming the relationship is consensual and that both parties want to create the same sort of lifestyle together, the rules, punishments, and/or devices become redundant, so why do it?  At the core of the relationship, a lot of rules are unnecessary.  You don’t need to force the willing.  So why do it?

I can understand the desire not to.  If a sub is worth a damn and their head and their heart are in the right place, he shouldn’t need any type of external motivation to want to obey.  Yet some people still do it. 

You can make a case for security.  Each layer increases the chances that the positive outcome will occur.  The more layers, the greater the chance the Domme has of the sub behaving in the way that she finds most pleasing.  This can beneficial to both parties.

You can make a case for sadism/masochism.  Exercising greater control and behavior management can cater to desirable dynamics if the parties enjoy these things. 

Personally, I don’t need any types of justifications.  I think having layers of redundant measures are romantic as hell.  I want to be perfect for her.  I want her to keep me forever.  Every rule she adds, every consequence, every stipulation, and every limitation tells me that she cares.  She wants me to be the best version of me.  She wants to test the capacity of what I can handle.  She is guiding me to an existence where she wants to keep me forever.  How great would that feel?

I like to think that my submission has worth.  It is part of me that makes me as “worthy” as I can be.  I like to use it to prove myself.  I like to show my devotion, dedication, and love.  I like to think that my willingness to accept her layers helps to show this too.  I shows that I believe in her to do what is best for me.  I like to think that she thinks this is romantic, too.

Deep down, I feel like the security card, the access code, the palm print scanner, the retina scan, the voice recognition, the secret passwords, the digital combination, and the synchronized key turn must be guarding something very valuable.  If that valuable thing is me… the thought of that makes me tingle in my heart and get weak in the knees.

Thoughts on Porn

I don't watch porn.  I've tried.  I don't really care for it and never really have.  This actually made me feel strange when I was younger, like it SHOULD arouse me and get my juices flowing.

After getting into kink I tried watching Femdom and more specialized porn.  It still didn't do it for me. 

I've been thinking about why and the best that I can come up with is that there's little, if any context to it.  Who are they and why should I care what is happening?  If I was a masochist I might like watching a woman spank a man more maybe?  I don't know.

I've never been a big fan of posturing.  I don't really like hearing a spew of cliches that I have never heard a woman or Domme say in real life.  I've never been called a piggy or a worm. Do people really talk like that?

Occasionally I will stumble upon a still image that sets my mind ablaze. These usually have just enough environment where my brain kicks into overdrive and creates a story to create the context and give personalities to the characters. Is this still porn?

Frequently I hear people making references to men believing that lifestyle Femdom will "be like porn." To be honest, I don't really understand what this means.

Most of the Femdom porn I have watched usually involved some guy strapped to a table or a bondage cross while he gets flogged by some model-caliber woman dressed in fetish attire. Is there something that I am missing? 

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

PSA: dominate is a verb

For those who spend time on fetlife or other forms of non-blog kink-related electronic interactions you have probably seen a rise in the number of people who misuse the word dominate.

“I am a dominate.”
“I am looking for a dominate.”

When I read this I want to stab myself in the face while setting my hair on fire.

Dominate is a verb. To dominate. You dominate. They dominate. They dominated.

Dominant is traditionally an adjective. They are dominant.  They were dominant.

Dominant in the kink world is also a noun. They are a dominant.  They were a dominant.

Please, when you see this out in the wild, do your part to help fight against unliteracy:P

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Kinks, Fetishes, and D/s

This past week I had someone ask me some questions about fetishes and it got me thinking quite a bit on the subject.  This also seems to flow with some of the things I have written about over the past few days.

While there are those in the lifestyle that would deny the sexual nature of things, I believe that by and large Femdom and D/s are driven heavily by our sexuality.  It is common in writing for the terms kink and fetish to be used interchangeably.  While they are similar, I believe that all fetishes are kinks, but a bit stronger in their nature.

To confront these topics with clear definitions it requires the concept of "normal" sexual arousal.  While people will probably hate the use of normal as the word choice, kinks and fetishes are widely considered to be abnormal or unusual, so it does serve as a starting point.

For clarity, here is how I would define a normal sexual response:
Arousal caused by the act or fantasy of sexual stimulation, physical intimacy, physical attraction, or emotional stimulation to someone of the opposite sex for heterosexuals/bisexuals or same sex for homosexuals/bisexuals.

So... thinking about sex, normal.  Kissing, normal.  Admiring an attractive face or body, normal.  Being wooed by heartfelt and meaningful words, normal.  Basically, this list covers what society at large consider(ed) to be appropriate actions.

A kink then becomes an act or fantasy that causes sexual arousal for reasons that fall outside of those basic categories.  Being tied up (or tying someone up).  Being spanked (or spanking someone).  Having your face sat on (or sitting on someone's face).  The list can go on and on.

Fetishes are of the same nature.  What makes them a more refined version of a kink is the intensity of the desire.  How I separate them in my own mind is that I see kinks as a preference and fetishes as a need.  A kink you can do without.  A fetish must be fed or the desire will overwhelm you.

The life of a fetishist is not an easy one.  In many cases there is a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, and a cycle of self-loathing, purge, and rebound.  Many a fetishist has wanted to wish it away, denied themselves, only to have it return later on just as strong or stronger as it was before.  I have come to feel it is part of a person's sexuality.

The difficulty of fetishes in relationships are often because the significant other of the fetishist often feels threatened and diminished by the fetish object.  e.g. a woman dating a man with a shoe fetishist may feel like he cares more about the shoes than about her.  He may reinforce this idea if he would rather masturbate onto her shoes than have sex with her.  He may reinforce it even more if he only notices her shoes, only buys her shoes as gifts, and seems to neglect giving her compliments over other aspects of her appearance, personality, or accomplishments.

It's kind of a vicious cycle, since piling guilt and shame onto a fetishist often makes the fetish even stronger.  The majority of fetishists I have known over the years (myself included) have honestly desired to be able to wish the fetish away.  Feeling guilt and shame over the arousal makes a situation ripe for fetish development.  Most want to be normal many times over.   Many have been rejected because of their fetish and fear rejection each and every time they reveal it to someone.  Accepting someone's fetish will go a long long way to endear them to you.

Personally, I believe that a sub's kinks and fetishes provide the perfect tool to exploit.  Their hope to have someone understand and accept their "abnormality" makes them naive when they encounter the most basic kindness in regards to it.  They can be lulled into comfort and encouraged to share every deep and dark secret they have.  They will will share their fantasies and give detailed accounts of what affects them. Once they have revealed it all they will be vulnerable... and prime to hear the Domme's "true thoughts" on it (which may be blatant lies).  Letting him know that his fetish makes him less of a man, perverse, and shameful, but she graciously "tolerates" it as long as he provides quality and obedient service will keep him off-balance.  He will worry that he is not good enough and in turn will try harder on all fronts.  This provides reinforcement that most women would not accept him as he is and make him more likely to go "all in" with his dedication. It might appear kind of cruel but in actuality he will be ecstatic that he wasn't sent packing. 

Once the fetish and its intricacies are known, it can be used and twisted in various ways.  If he has a fetish for boots, they can be worn but only when he is locked in chastity.  Or the fetish can only be used when accompanied by an act that he dislikes greatly, e.g. while inflicting significant (non-pleasurable) pain. Talking about it verbally and teasing with it can keep it as a continuous carrot to manipulate him.  It also provides an additional symbol of desire that can be taken away and withheld.

Another route that can be taken in long-term relationships is forcing the sub to develop kinks (and possibly fetishes).  Men can be conditioned sexually by creating sexual associations. Seducing him while he does chores and whispering something in his ear like, "It makes me so wet to see you so hard at work," will get things started and providing some form of pleasurable contact upon the completion of the chores is one example.  It will not take long before he starts building a kink for doing chores.  Similarly, strictly controlling the environment and acts of how he receives pleasure is quite effective. The repetition will breed associative familiarity.  The sights, the sounds, the smells, the touch, and so on will sink into the brain and become kinks.  Limit his pleasure to this specific form over a long-period of time and it may create fetishes. 

Once he has a set of abnormal desires worked into his sexuality, he is prime for a bit of insecurity to exploit.  If a Domme makes it clear that she is the only one who would accept someone broken like that, he will be forever tied to her in that way.

While these techniques might not appeal to everyone, I'm guessing there are a handful of people out there thinking "ooh, I want to do that."  In any case, I am living proof that these techniques are quite effective. 

Monday, October 2, 2017

Addicted to Shame

I've gone a few days without being able to channel the deep submissive feelings that I desire to have. I've been trying to figure out what has been missing and I'm feeling like I am understanding it a bit better.

I have been feeling normal. I have been feeling comfortable with my role and kinks. A lot of this has to do with a lot of positive reinforcement as of late.  It has been nice. 

The answer sort of jumped out after that.  I am addicted to shame. 

When I receive praise it is difficult for me to process it.  I feel undeserving of it.  I feel like I must have tricked someone into thinking better of me than they should. It is strange.

When people perceive me to be a screwed up freak, I feel like they are showing me their genuine self.  I feel like they are seeing me how I see myself.  My brain feels peaceful in its agitation. That last line probably doesn't make sense.

To put it another way, my rational brain's view of the world makes sense when I am a weirdo; pitiable, shameful, and worthy of scorn.  When I start to feel comfortable with myself, this sort of breaks down.  I feel like I'm living falsehood and have duped people.  It feels wrong.  When the comfort is stripped away and I return to my world of doubt, fear, and shame, I actually feel more calm overall.  Everything makes more sense from this perspective.  This is my equilibrium.  My desired mental spaces are accessed from this state. 

I feel like I'm addicted to shame. 

Thoughts on developing dominance

As there are fewer available Dommes than available male subs, opportunities are often dependent upon newer Dommes entering the lifestyle.  This may be a single woman looking for the first time or a woman in a long-term relationship that has decided to enter the role, often at the behest of their significant other with submissive tendencies.

In both cases, newer Dommes face a very steep learning curve. Early on they will often scour the internet for resources and probably get a bit freaked out by porn or from the written words of experienced veterans.  It is hard to be confident when you do not have a history of success to draw confidence from.  It is hard to know what you want when you have not thought about life in this way.  While many protocols are easy to teach/learn, other aspects require experience and developing an independent dominant identity.

In many ways it is easier to embrace submission than it is to embrace dominance.  When we look at the what we deem to be positive characteristics in other humans it becomes clear.  When we talk about "good people," it usually means someone is caring, thoughtful, compassionate, generous, sensitive, helpful, patient, self-sacrificing, and so on.  The ideal submissive role runs pretty parallel to the ideal good person.

The dominant is often encouraged not to abide by these standards.  It is okay to be selfish and impulsive.  It is okay to manipulate and use.  It is okay to torment and inflict various types of pain.  It is okay to take without giving back.  It is okay to do all of these things without remorse.  Outside of the consensual lifestyle, these are the characteristics we mostly associate with sociopaths, narcissists, and the like.  It takes a lot more than a simple explanation of "this is what makes both parties happy so it is okay" to overcome the mental hurdle involved here.  It takes a lot of time, growth, and understanding as to how everything fits together, how to embrace power/control, and to be able to do it all without guilt.  This process can't really be rushed.

What inevitably happens during the early stages is that the Domme is heavily dependent on feedback, ideas, and suggestions from the sub as she gets her feet wet.  A common narrative for this type of interaction is that as time passes, the sub will feel more and more comfortable guiding things where they want it to go and the Domme slowly grows in confidence and begins to develop her own philosophies and desires.  At some point, these paths clash and what began as "helpful suggestion" has now evolved into "topping from the bottom."

I have been in relationships with newer Dommes before.  I have also served as a bit of a mentor for a number of women that were new to the lifestyle.  It can be a challenge to guide while avoiding the clash in the future.  This can be hard to do at times because it involves diminishing your own desires and preferences.  Encouraging her to find her own path, her own views, and her own philosophies involves putting the emphasis upon her.  I want her to find what she wants.  Seeking her own interests and valuing my opinion less and less.  I feel like things have grown successfully when my opinion barely matters if it matters at all.  I feel like we are there when she values her own desires more than she values my feelings.  I don't know if this route is "correct," but I want my input to become obsolete. 

The expectation of kink-shaming

It's sort of odd that while I am able to easily share highly personal and difficult memories, I struggle like hell to "own" the way that many of my kinks and fetishes affect me.  There is no peace inside my heart in regards to them.  I have not truly come to terms with them.  I have never learned to accept myself in this way.

A lot of this is due to the residual effects of being shamed at a young age.  It caused certain things to be taboo.  It created boatloads of guilt following desire.  Many pleasurable experiences were followed up by deep feelings of self-loathing.  I would love to say that since entering BDSM that this has gotten easier.  It hasn't.

Kink-shaming is an odd one because it ranges from overt to covert, with everything in between.  As the BDSM community as a whole is still vastly M/f, it is inevitable if you spend time in communities to hear "a real man" phrases.  A real man would do this.  A real man would never do that.  This phrase is mostly used by male dominants and the majority of its uses imply that submissive men are not real men.  I don't know if they are all that aware of what it actually says about them.  I have known a number of respectable, respectful, and intelligent male dominants and none of them would ever use a phrase like that.  Eventually you just learn to shut off the noise from that side of things but remain readily aware that at least one demographic in the scene will most likely look down at you.

Female subs are generally split on the subject.  It depends heavily if they see you as similar to how they are or if they focus on how different you are.  The ones who focus on the differences are the types to rally around the "a real man" phrases.

Dommes vary so greatly in their desires that it is rather unpredictable.  Once you get a feel for their philosophies it becomes easier to guess what type of reaction you will receive.  Often you receive the reaction before you ever make it to the philosophies.

Many of the negative reactions come from (mostly deserved) stereotypes.  e.g. If a sub is into _____, then they are likely focused only on themselves and have this ideal of a fantasy lifestyle that will never happen.  This isn't the type of philosophy that is formed out of thin air... it is built up over months of wasted time, harassment, and a whole lot of rude messages.  The worse the experiences, the stronger the feelings. 

There are also the cases where there is no perceived benefit to the Domme and/or they do not grasp how it will influence and affect dynamics in a positive way.  In some cases this can lead to a discussion.  In other cases it is written off without a second thought. 

"Your Kink is Not My Kink," aka YKINMK, can mean a spectrum of things.  In an ideal world, I believe it would always mean "I understand your kink, I'm just not into that."  In the actual world it sometimes is the politically correct form of calling you a freak.  e.g. I say this to your face, but behind closed doors I will slam you for being a perverse deviant. This happens so often in the vanilla world that it's rarely shocking.  When it happens in what is supposed to be an open-minded community, it stings twice as bad.  In case it seems like I'm slinging mud here, I am prone to doing it on occasion as well.  If someone wants to talk about shit-eating as a kink, I play the hard limit card and try to get away from the subject as quickly as possible because it grosses me out. 

Really, I don't think we expect everyone to like us.  We might wish for it, but everywhere you go there will be people that you mesh with and people that you just cannot seem to find common ground with.  We don't always need "like" for "respect and accept."  I believe what people fear the most is outright rejection. 

Many times in the kink community, people see you as your role.  They see you as your kinks.  They screen you with those factors first before seeing you as a person. 

I expect to be kink-shamed.  I expect to be shown a polite face of "your kink is not my kink," while knowing full well that they are telling their friend that I am a freak.  I expect that most male dominants won't speak to me because of my role and interests.  It's kind of strange to believe that initial judgments will happen so quickly and severely.  I see this as shaming in its own light.  Making you feel unwanted because of your role or interests is basically the same thing, isn't it?  Judging you for checklists on a page instead of who you are as a person never feels good.

This is why I dance around certain subjects and have trouble just being forthcoming with how things affect me.  I'm scared.  This is the most vulnerable and truest side of my private self.  If someone rejects it, it hurts the worst because it is the true me.  Often I will hide it and only give enough detail so that people will have to see me as a person first. 

Taking this a step farther, I have actually fetishized kink-shaming to an extent.  The caveat is that rejection is not involved.  If someone accepts me and keeps me around as a sub (or even just as a friend), I don't mind them thinking that I am perverse.  This actually fuels my submissive mental space and I never doubt the truth behind their words.  It makes me feel screwed up inside... but in a good way, because they point out everything I already fear to be true, but they keep me around instead of leaving me behind.  This is the closest that I come to finding  peace with my kinks.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Thoughts on gender, submission, life

My mind has been wandering a lot on various topics.  Domina Jen's most recent post as well as my Random thoughts on arousal post just have the wheels turning in my mind on related subject matter.  Forgive me if I repeat any topics that I have covered somewhere in the past.  I have written about so many things that I end up repeating myself quite often even if it is years apart.

I can remember the time in my life where I first found myself envious of girls and women.  I'm not so blind that I would say that women have things better.  There are plenty of ways in which society, history, religion, and lesser evolved humans attempt to keep women down.  There are plenty of standards by which women are measured that are not fair.  Things are different for women than they are for men.  I believe that most people would agree with that statement.

It was in my mid to late teen years when I found myself experiencing an emotional awakening of sorts after years of repression.  I hadn't been close with a girl since preschool.  My hardened outward self had made me someone that wasn't conducive to that (I was a prick and they wanted nothing to do with me).  When I allowed myself to soften I found myself in quite a few friendships with women.  From 16-24, the vast majority of my friendships were with women.  It wasn't long before I could start to see why it was so easy to connect with them on an emotional and personal level. 

Up until that point I pretty much had two types of experiences with male peers.  1. Jocks.  2. The "gifted" kids.  The jocks were, as you could have guessed, pretty typical of jocks.  In that world, the big, the strong, and the fast excel.  Once the pack leader has been chosen, everyone sort of falls into line and maintains an "acceptable" type of behavior in order to fit in.  Group think, mob mentality, and following the guy that is the most likely to end up as the starting quarterback/point guard/ace pitcher in high school.  Weakness is devoured.

The gifted kids had a similar type of hierarchy.  In most cases, there is a somewhat socially competent kid of above average intelligence with parents that led him to believe he is God's gift to Elvis.  This becomes the pack leader and he sets the tone for the vibes and acceptable preferences of the group.  They are the one that decides that the Highlander is awesome and everyone else must agree.  More group think.  More repressed self.

I remember during my emotionally "dead" time that I just go so fucking tired of people insisting how to act, what to like, what to dislike, and so on.  It also became abundantly clear that I would not be able to share any of my inner-self within those environments.  Too much risk.  No compassion or empathy.  I willingly dropped from the gifted programs around the same time I quit sports.  I was fed up.

It took me a while to be able to express myself.  In the earlier stages, I simply listened to people and empathized with them.  I was able to express and put into words what they were feeling far better than I could sort through my own emotions.  Many of my very early dear friends were girls.  They were the ones who could express themselves.  They were the ones who could voice their doubts, their fears, and their desires.  Their pressures were different.  In the mid-90's they were fighting on two fronts: society's insistence that they be thin and pretty and the rising belief that women should be empowered, confident, and free. 

While this duality would often damaged their self-esteem, a great difference was that they were comfortable having feelings, expressing them, and showing their true selves.  Even after awakening I still maintained a specific face I showed to the world.  I still felt a need to constantly be on the defensive and protect myself.  Knowing how far off I was from the societal ideal male damaged my self-esteem as well, I just wasn't allowed to talk about it. 

I began to notice the girls had a freedom of emotion.  They had a freedom of self.  At this time, at least in my school, the 1980's ideals were crumbling at a rapid pace.  Being independent and different was encouraged.  A nerd girl?  Hot.  A "weird" girl with pink hair?  Hot.  She has that "ordinary girl next door thing going on?"  Hot.  It was like... they could be anything and there would always be people who were accepting of that and wanting to be around.

The corresponding male counterpart seemed to be stuck in a role dictated by appearances.  An attitude.  A way to dress.  Be cool.  Always be cool.  You HAVE to be cool.  It was just another form of restriction that led to false behaviors. 

I remember when I first started to feel envy.  I envied the emotional freedom and expression.  I envied the ease with which they could express themselves in physical contact.  I envied that they could like what they wanted to like without fearing peer judgment. 

This wasn't all hearts and flowers.  There were also the eating disorders, backstabbing, double-standards, and the like.  The same behaviors were running rampant in my guy friends, the key difference being their inability to cope and deal with their own emotions.  As I grew older I began to respect homosexuals a whole lot for the courage and strength it takes to live openly and weather out the storm of a society that is still largely intolerant. 

I kept all of these thoughts to myself.

As I grew older and discovered certain websites (e.g. NTCweb), my fur fetish and Femdom fantasies began to grow exponentially.  If anyone had found out about these things, I have no doubt that I would have killed myself.  That was the depth and shame of the secret parts of myself that I kept hidden.

As my abundant friendships with women continued and I returned to the cold climate after spending a few years on the coast, I certainly began to notice a few things.  As I was on a large campus that routinely involved 15 minute walks from my car to a class or standing outside waiting for a bus for 20 minutes in the freezing cold, I found myself at the store, actually looking at scarves, hats, and the like that I had shunned for so many years.  On that same trip, I found myself inexplicably drawn to the women's section as well, my heart racing and body temperature rising as I looked over the fur-trimmed coats and accessories.  After spending 30 minutes working up some courage, I finally managed to touch a handful of things with the cover story of "looking for a gift for my girlfriend" in case I was approached. 

To my surprise, a scarf in the women's section was half the weight, twice as warm, and about ten times as soft as a scarf in the men's section.  Even if they were both acrylic, they found a way to make the women's version infinitely nicer and there were dozens of variations of color, style, and material to choose from.  Apparently with our 5 o'clock shadows we aren't supposed to be able to tell the difference between luxury softness and two-notches smoother than sandpaper. 

This was a sticking point of another form of envy.  Women had access to things that are much nicer.  The people catering to them understood that comfort matters.  In addition to comfort, they were also more functional (warmth to weight ratio).  A woman could have gone out and purchased a fur scarf and then enjoyed the feel of it while it kept her warm.  I had to spend an hour doing laps in a nervous sweat before working up the courage to touch the fur scarf on the rack before scurrying home and throwing up out of shame and guilt.  She could have purchased a men's scarf and worn it without harm.  Had I done the same I would have faced ridicule, scorn, and the risk of physical violence. 

Men aren't supposed to enjoy themselves in that way.  They aren't supposed to want to be pampered and made to feel physically good.  Has anyone ever wondered why with all the fat dudes out there that they don't make men's jeans with a stretch denim waistband? 

As time moved on, I entered the world of BDSM.  As I delved into communities, both local and online, I quickly began to notice just how much easier it was for women to express their submission, preferences, and the like than men were.  I actually remembered back as early as high school meeting girls that were open about kink and that persisted in college as well.  On the other hand, I was terrified.  For years I had lived in secret shame with my kinks and fetishes.  I had never told anyone about M and the way that she would tie me up.  Even after my experiences with K, I was deathly afraid of admitting what I was into. 

In a lot of ways, male subs are seen as lowly.  There are a huge number of them that go around spamming every Domme around with cock shots and the results are quite damaging because it is difficult to differentiate yourself from the rest.  The more intense your kinks are, the more likely you are to be written off as a fantasy wanker.  On the other side, there seems to be far fewer inhibitions by women to be open about their kinks.  Many can comfortably cite them as part of themselves with a "take it or leave it" attitude. 

I wish I could be brave enough to just openly like what I like.  I wish I could be strong enough to just show my true face more often.  I probably will never be able to do so. 

New Drawings... although not my usual

I've been getting a lot more interactions on the Wordpress side of things.  After posting a handful of drawings and getting some encouragement I ended up doing a drawing.  This is sort of an ongoing joke with another blogger that I correspond with, Nora.  While her blog is M/f, she writes well and delves into subjects quite thoroughly.

The reference is to some jokes about her upcoming Halloween costume that has been ongoing for several months.

I figured I would share them here.
This was the original version.

Without text and a recolor:

There was a request put in for more cleavage, so I made some changes: