Saturday, April 15, 2017

Dismissive vs. Indifferent

I recently read a blog post on Dismissive vs. Indifference and it really got the gears turning in my brain.  There isn't much that I have to add to it, but it inspired a great deal of thoughts and feelings as I read it. 

From my experiences, indifference is one of the most hurtful feelings that a sub can encounter in D/s.  It feels like she doesn't care about it, it isn't important enough, etc.  It feels lonely and awful.

On the other side of things, my subspace is fueled so heavily if she acts dismissive.  I consider this a bit puzzling, but it fits into my views on control and my anxiety related to being rejected or abandoned.

To vanilla eyes, being dismissive probably looks more cruel than being indifferent, but from a submissive perspective it makes all the difference in the world.  It's hard to describe but having her treat aspects of me like they do not matter feels better than not caring.  Simple phrases are often enough to push my subspace into a frenzy of turmoil.
  • "I understand your feelings but they don't matter."
  • "Since when does what you want have any importance?"
  • "It's cute the way you think I care about that."
Hearing words like those are like a status dagger being jammed into your heart and twisted.  The anguish... knowing she is right... and loving her even more for the reminder.  It shows she notices.  It shows she cares.  It shows she values the core of our relationship.  It's quite breath-taking and amazing.  How delicious a treat for the subspace being dismissive is.  It's sort of amusing because the appearance of indifference is anything but indifferent.

Actual indifference is awful.  It sucks the life out of a sub.  When you truly feel like what you do does not matter, it is hard to feel like you matter.  Being acknowledged brings about such a difference... even if her acknowledgement claims it doesn't matter. 

Why does slavespace have to be so confusing?

For the past week I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out just how to interpret my deepest submissive state.  Last summer, Watson, some other readers, and I  had some great discussions upon their process of reaching slavespace and what it feels like within the mind.

I noticed something about my own feeling set that different in a handful of key ways from the others.  Most described a sense of a total dissolution of self where they no longer existed as individuals but mostly held an innate sense of purpose that was defined by the Domme.  This purpose over-wrote ideas of self.  "I want to be useful" was processed more like "be useful." 

Before I make a contrast it is probably best to describe what separates slavespace from subspace.  While in subspace you are aware of yourself as a person.  You have independent thoughts, desires, and feelings.  You have the freedom to say no.  You are still a version of yourself.  In slavespace things shift in such a way that you no longer see the world in that way.  The idea of consent gets twisted: you consented to have no say in future matters.  In the moment there likely isn't enough self present to object.  The world appears with a defined purpose and that purpose is to simply comply to her will.  Very black and white, there is what she wants, orders, expects, and pleases her and anything else is simply not one of those things.  That is the law of the land... the right and wrong... the new morality.  If she says, "scrub the floor," there is no voice resisting that you do not wish to do it, there may be worry that you will do it well, do it quickly enough, and have the time/quality of the work be up to her standards.  Is that a sense of self or merely awareness in your existence?

Where my slavespace differs a bit from those descriptions is that I do have awareness of a self.  This self feels tiny.  It is wired that it will only be acceptable if it behaves perfectly and can meet or exceed her expectations 100% of the time.  It readily accepts punishment or corrections because it would rather be "fixed" of its flaws than become undesirable to her and be rejected.  It sees punishment as a favor.  It wants to be perfect for her.

This self will endure ANYTHING because it wishes to prove the depth of its love and devotion.  The idea that something is unpleasant is displaced by the greater fear of being rejected.  Failure feels crushing.  Punishment is a way of saying "I trust you'll do better next time." 

I call this my slavespace because it approaches dominance in the same way.  It likely is not a "true" slavespace on the inside.  The part I am still trying to wrap my head around is the fact that the "inner voice" that exists while I am in this state is from my terrified and vulnerable childhood self.  It is the voice of the boy that I buried deep inside of me when the bullying, abuse, and racism reached a point that I could no longer take it.  The terror feels just like it did when I was a child.

I can't seem to find enough information on littles to figure out if this space is a little space.  I have no desire to have Transformers bed sheets again or play with toys.  I don't feel youthful or innocent.  I feel like a wrecked boy, seeking an authority figure to love that will guide me and protect me from the "bad people" of the world.  I will jump through hoops for her, walk through the flames for her, and do anything and everything that I can to earn her approval.  I will be her slave.

Has anyone seen anything like this or able to offer me any guidance?  This is so damn confusing.

30 Days of submission: Day 26

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? 

This topic just came up on 30 Days of Kink so I'd rather not expand too much on it.  Mostly I seek Dommes that would be willing to consider me.  This usually reflects on them being caring, loving, loyal, and accepting.  While there are other things that may make a "fit" better, these are the ones that are most important to me for a 

Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Generally only things that might violate my hard limits, but those aren't qualities so much as characteristics.  Also, I'm not interested in poly or relationships that aren't loving.

Most of the qualities that would be must not haves are self-fulfilling.  The women that have many of those aren't interested in me anyways.  e.g. ultra-rigid in their views without justification, unwillingness to communicate, etc.  

Overall, I feel lucky as hell to be considered so I try not to let anything be too big of a hangup unless it is hard-limit or types of relationships that would not work for me.

30 Days of Kink: Day 26

What’s your opinion on online BDSM play? Or online D/s Relationships?

Having spent a lot of time separated from my Dommes I try not to look down on relationships that use a heavy amount of phone, skype, chat, and the like.  I think that online serves as a good starting point for getting to know someone.  While it's impossible to get to know everything, you do learn quite a few things that people may hide in person, and if you start out as friends, you may learn a good number of things that people would not have shared otherwise.  Once a comfort level has been built, it makes meet ups a bit easier and less awkward.

Interacting a lot online (phone/skype/chat/sexting) trains the mind a lot.  You learn to enjoy their company and it gets tiresome to only talk about the same things so it naturally leads to a lot of topics of conversation.  Also since there aren't actual physical cues or actions you can take, it can sometimes be easier to understand what lies at the core of a Domme's/sub's kink-psyche.

That being said, I'm not a huge fan of relationships that start online with the end goal of being online relationships.  There are cases and reasons where this makes more sense than others, but too frequently people use it in a cheating sense or because they aren't brave enough to venture into this unforgiving world. 

Friday, April 14, 2017

30 Days of submission: Day 25

Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

There are things, but mostly in ways that are meaningful because they were shared with me by a Domme.  Kneeling and having a collar placed around my neck always feel special.  Kneeling and kissing her feet as a greeting ritual.  Kneeling and having a hat placed on my head has a way of immediately shifting me into a deep subspace.

These were all significant to me because they involve shared intimacy and closeness with one I love(d).  They make me feel special and cared for.  I could feel our connection when our eyes would meet.  The thought of them makes my heart fill up with love.

Whenever new things or rituals are added they make me feel even more special because it means she cared enough to introduce something that makes us feel closer.

30 Days of Kink: Day 25

How open are you about your kinks?

This depends a lot on the kinks and their perceived level of deviance.  There are certain things I will share freely and without hesitation.

Is anyone going to fault me for stating that I love pleasuring a woman?  Hell no.  I don't live in some episode of the Sopranos where someone nearly gets killed for spreading a rumor that Jr. likes to go down on a woman.  Shit, I'd wear it on a T-shirt if people wouldn't find it more offensive than endearing :P

I'm open to the fact that I enjoy giving women massages.  I like cooking for them.  I like pampering them.  None of those are secrets to me.  I don't care if they know that she wears the pants.

If someone asks, I don't hesitate to tell them I am on bottom in sex nor that I enjoy sexual bondage play.  Most of these things are fairly normal activities for vanilla couples even.

The rest of it stays private. 

Thursday, April 13, 2017

I'm a lucky guy

I really want to avoid coming off overly negative in my posts.  I tend to write while enveloped in a wave of emotion.  Sometimes I post again to try and make sense of it.  There are certain things I should say more often.

The reality of it is that I'm an extremely fortunate person.  I have experienced the bulk of my sexual fantasies.  I have loved deeply and lost myself within it.

The thing that I want to mention now is that I am most fortunate that I have a number of people that I have met through the blogging community that go out of their way to support me when I am down.  Some check up on me and let me know they care.  Others go out of their way to help me see the good things inside of me and attempt to rebuild my sense of self. 

I truly am grateful for everyone.  It means the world to me and it makes life a lot easier to handle. 

Thank you so much. 

The Best laid plans...

I have originally planned to try and write some fiction tonight.  fs01 is hanging and I need to get that back on track.  After a couple of tests with some help from some friends I'm finding myself able to reach a state that is close to the state I would reach frequently before last Friday, which also happens to be the mindspace from where I write my fiction.  I was supposed to be writing... but now I'm blocked.

It's not something I'd rather go into in great detail of specific, but T's son has become a problem that may be insurmountable.  T let him drop out of high school.  He doesn't work.  He doesn't bathe.  He doesn't help out.  He doesn't exercise. He plays video games all day/night.  In the past year and a half he has put on over 150 lbs. and now resides over 400 lbs. in a family with a history of diabetes.  His ability to cope is rather non-existent and without turning things around he will likely end up a homeless diabetic.  This has become a major problem interacting with T and tonight it came to a head again and I'm feeling rather wrecked. 

I really want to write about things that don't just make things seem so down.  I can't tell if I'm more frustrated or hurt right now. 

30 Days of submission: Day 24

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

First and foremost, love is the primary factor that brings me into submission.  When I love I feel like I could move the world for her and I would try if she asked me to.  Nothing feels impossible.  I feel confident, competent, and capable.  I feel strong.  I feel loyal.  I feel warm and safe.  I feel protective.  I feel honored.  I feel awestruck.  I want to make her proud.  I feel everything and it is beautiful.

These others are minor but should be mentioned.  Keep in mind that these push my submission deeper.  The original love-based submission has to exist.  If someone I did not love/submit to did this stuff to me I would probably defend myself with my gigantic and sharpened alpha fangs and claws.

Humiliation.  This preys upon all of my insecure fears... and verifies those fears to be true but it is not a source of rejection.  While it might crush my ego a bit, without rejection the feelings aren't all bad.

Fear. This is sort of an emotion and a feeling that can drive subspace and feed itself.

Shame/Remorse.  This tends to trigger guilt and put me into a shame spiral that is unpleasant but puts me deeply into a submissive state where I just want to do better. 

30 Days of Kink: Day 24

What qualities do you look for in a partner?

This is a really good question for me to have to answer as I've never done anything like make a checklist or anything like that.  I do plan to answer honestly even though it might come off a bit pathetic sounding.

It's tough to explain because I don't really seek out specific things.  I also realize that I sort of have two different ways of how I process this internally even if I go about them in the same method, I will try to describe them.  In general, I will search profiles and find one that sounds promising.  I will read their profile carefully and then follow up with their posted journal entries and/or blog entries if they are provided.   

One of two things happen in this process:

1. The solitary me surfaces.  This is the me that is worried about being rejected and is timid and terrified at sending a message and presenting myself badly.  If the solitary me surfaces I look for signs that this is a person that could accept me and what I have to offer.  This usually means that they focus upon the quality of character of the sub rather than primarily stating physical characteristics, kink compatibility, and the like.  In these cases I look for people seeking a deep, genuine connection.  The writing draws you in rather than trying to eliminate you with a system of checklists.

2.  I am overwhelmed by someone's charisma.  With these types, the passion of their words immediately draws me in.  I laugh, I smile, I nod in agreement.  I like their view of the world.  I like what they talk about.  I like how they present themselves.  I like what they are looking for.  They sound fucking perfect and I am (close to) what they say they are looking for.  They seem like the greatest person in the world that you would want to get to know, let alone be in a relationship with.

The primary commonalities between the two lead to an individual that is caring, loving, loyal, and accepting.  

I'm willing to compromise in regards to kink interests unless their interests are beyond my hard limits.  Caring about the person and connecting with them intimately is always paramount to me.  I'm also willing to give most non-kink interests a chance.

This probably seems kind of sad, but the truth of it is that the odds are so stacked against me as a male sub that I just do my best and hope for a fit.  Generally someone that would appreciate what I have to offer is often looking for similar things.  I've also found that if love develops, there are a lot of obstacles that can be overcome through that if both parties invest emotionally and care about one another.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

30 Days of submission: Day 23

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? 

I dislike the frantic "need" that subs get on occasion.  This frequently happens when there isn't enough quality time being spent with the Domme and a sub's submissive needs start falling by the wayside.  This can lead to a desperate and obsessed state, which puts the sub a bit out of control and focused upon their own needs.  

This happens to me on occasion.  I end up feeling disgusted with myself in its aftermath.

I believe this is most common with painfully single "do me" subs.  They can do and say some pretty despicable things in this state.  It's also painful to watch... sort of like a horny dog trying to hump every leg in sight.

Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Plenty of times.

There are a good number of acts that I have participated in that I do not like.
Being forced to do these acts fuels my subspace and induces arousal.
Does that mean I actually like it?

The thought process is pretty simple.
  1. I don't want this.  I don't want this.  I don't want this.
  2. Why the hell do I have an erection?
  3. Oh my God, this turns me on, I'm such a freak/pervert/weirdo. 
  4. I wish this had never happened.
 Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.  And yes, by now I have a lot of T-shirts.

30 Days of Kink: Day 23

Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? If so, how?

They have changed quite a bit.

It is difficult to describe but there are a lot of things that seemingly leave fantasy and enter the realm of realistically possible.

I believe a lot of it is due to acclimation.  When I first entered the lifestyle, the idea of having my wrists tied or a blindfold were enough to get my heart rate pounding and have my dick bursting out of my pants.  Then it happened a dozen times and the rush gradually died out.  It became routine.  My psyche built up a tolerance like getting used to a drug.  Push it farther.  Ropes become chains.  A blindfold becomes a hood and a gag.  The rush returns... until we do it a dozen times.

This step by step process has led to a drastic shift in what I desire over the years.  Now I need things to be pretty extreme to get the rush.

In regards to perspectives, I understand a whole lot more about what is sustainable.  e.g. K was a micro-manager but the majority of Dommes don't want a sub bothering to ask them if they can go to the bathroom.

The biggest thing I have come to learn about sustainable dynamics is that dealing "in absolutes" that are never allowed to change as the relationship evolves is frequently a poor choice.  A lot of D/s is a balancing act.  Be too strict and it creates a massive amount of work for the Domme.  Be too lax and it won't feel "real" to the sub.  The balancing point is often to have the Domme pick a couple of important topics that they are willing to be strict about (e.g. orgasm control) and putting less emphasis on less important things (e.g. a sub going to the bathroom).   

The trend I have seen is that people who deal only in absolutes frequently end up single in the long run.  Those who remain flexible, adaptable, mobile, and evolve as necessary frequently end up in happy and successful relationships.  Everything and everyone will change over time.  Allowing things to evolve in a natural way is sometimes better than trying to force a peg into an old hole that it no longer fits in. 

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Dominant and submissive: Noun vs. Adjective

I've been having quite a few D/s discussions lately which has been nice, but I have to say that many people have very different definitions of Dominant and submissive and what those words entail.

I really don't wish to hash out every point of view here, but I would like to make a handful of statements that display my beliefs.  Feel free to disagree with me via comments :)

Dominant behavior or a dominant personality is not the same as being a Dominant.  That is, the existence of the adjective does not make the noun.  There are plenty of submissives that carry a dominant personality in vanilla life or act with many dominant behaviors.  There are plenty of vanilla people that have dominant personalities and behaviors that do not associate with being a Dominant.

Submissive behavior or a submissive personality is not the same as being a submissive.  In my experiences I've never met someone with a submissive personality or that regularly engaged in submissive behaviors (beyond work and manners) that was secretly a Dominant.  That being said, not all people that exhibit submissive behaviors or personalities are submissives.

What separates the noun from the adjectives?  In its simplest form, spaces: Domspace and subspace.

To speed things along I will use completely simplified definitions.

Domspace: a desirable mindset and feeling set linked with sexual response and obtained through dominance, dominant acts, or in response to submissive acts.

Subspace: a desirable mindset and feeling set linked with sexual response and obtained through submission, submissive acts, or in response to dominant acts.

With these in mind, I believe that a Dominant is someone that acts to feed their Domspace.  Similarly, I believe that a submissive is someone that acts to feed their subspace.

Why does it have to be sexual?  Because if it wasn't, there would be no reason to be a Dominant or a submissive... we would simply all be people that exerted those traits... just like all the people that do it without involving kink in their lives.

Note:  I don't expect anyone to really learn anything from this, I'm merely gathering my thoughts so that it is easier to articulate them the next time I am forced trying to explain the differences.

Sort of funny how that goes...

Time and a friend have helped me process this quite a bit more...

What is funny is that it was me considering the idea that I had a little that led to these memories being unearthed.  Confronting them have since purged the little.  It's gone.  After crying it out, the anxious little boy has left the building.

Unfortunately... the instant-push-of-a-button slavespace has left the building along with him.  I'm kind of worried now that the means of accessing that space aren't clear now.  I'm kind of worried as that was the space from which I would write my fiction. 

On the upside, I no longer have to worry about whether or not my slavespace is little space.

Almost through it...

I'm still processing all of the emotions.  Usually I would manage to burst them all out completely in one post.  This has felt more like connecting dots after one revelation.

I have to believe that I'm almost through it, so if you are tired of these posts they will likely be done soon.  What I'm finding a bit bothersome about all of this is that a lot of these memories are from VERY young.  I can't date a few of them because I basically have a dividing line of when I turned 3 and was aware of what age I was and before then when I didn't have any thoughts about it.  Some of these memories are clear as day.  I can remember names and faces of people that departed my life a long, long time ago.

The whole hat thing and toughing out the cold became an anxiety battle throughout my youth.  The thought of being made to wear a hat was enough to make me want to vomit.  I would spew out every excuse in the book to avoid it.  It happened quite often.  At recess in elementary school on some days they wouldn't let us go outside without one.  I would either stay inside or beg my parents to call the school and get permission for me to not wear one.  This seems kind of stupid but it affected me that much.  When I would play at friend's houses this was often something their parents would try to force upon me.  I would resist it then as well, even if it meant I had to stay inside when the others went outside.  The anxiety was real but I was unwilling to admit why to anyone.  I just stuck to the idea that it made me too hot and I would feel sick.  These were half-truths at least, although both were likely caused more by anxiety than by the hat.

Frostbite became a regular thing, especially after I started playing pickup hockey at the local rink.  I remember several occasions having my skin turn black.  M being able to get a hat on me without a fight or severe anxiety was huge.

A lot of the experiences with my sister and her friends basically shut off my interest in girls.  Aside from 1 or 2 of them that were kind to me before age 6, I really didn't have any friendships with girls nor found many/any attractive or interesting until much later than I should have.  The thought of getting to know a girl on a close and personal level gave me severe anxiety.  Aside from my M fantasies, I didn't take a true interest in girls until I was 15 or so when a charismatic girl in one of my classes just sort of overwhelmed me with her presence and kindness.  I carried a secret torch for her for years but never built up enough courage to act upon it.  She is the reason that I let my guard down.  She is the reason that I started feeling good about girls and I realized at just how good it felt to have one talk to me and smile at me.  I felt saved... like my blackened, twisted, disgusting heart had hope... that maybe sometime I could actually find happiness.  I consider her to be a pivotal person in my life even though we barely spoke to each other over the four years of high school and spent time together maybe 3 times outside of school.  She was the source of my transformation and the one who got the ball rolling in getting me to open up my feelings again.  Without her, I doubt I would have learned how to love.  I probably would have been dead by now.

30 Days of submission: Day 22

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? 

Not particularly.  I envy those who can.

If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

In the absence of D/s I turn to fantasy.  This might be fiction, artwork, or simply what I create in my mind.  I find ways to channel it.  When successful, I find I can channel a mindstate that feel very similar to actual subspace.  However, since much of my subspace is driven by feelings and emotions, this state requires a "focal point" of my feelings, which inevitably requires a character to fill the role of Domme.

While this is sort of a fix, it isn't super sustainable in the long run.  Eventually I will inevitably ache to feel it for real.  In these times I simply try to distract myself by immersing in a book, TV series, or the like.

30 Days of Kink: Day 22

What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? 

Love.  Trust.  Honesty.  Communication.  A healthy sex life (at least for her).   Friendship.  Companionship.  Quality time.  Intimacy.  Desire from both parties.  Effort.  Care.  Attention to detail.  Planning.  Shared interests.

How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I don't think it differs at all really, assuming we are talking about a healthy vanilla relationship.
The only difference is that with D/s, the expectations are clearly defined.  

Monday, April 10, 2017

The effects of my sister

It seems that over the past few months I've had a number of memories return that involved my sister and ways that she hurt me deeply.  It's probably easier for me to just explore how things were as I perceived them.

When I was very young I looked up to my sister like she was a rock star.  She, like me, was adopted.  She always showed pride in what she liked and what she was doing.  She "sold me" on ideas easily and got me interested in a lot of those things.  I was a bit of a tag-along.  If she wanted to go outside, I wanted to go outside.  If she wanted to play inside I wanted to be inside.  During those younger years I pretty much wanted to do what she did.

I was jealous that she was learning to play violin and I was not allowed to touch it.  I was jealous that she learned the piano.  When she got a cabbage patch kid, I wanted one for my birthday too.  She convinced me to give up the bigger room since she should have it because she was older.  I agreed.  When she had friends over and needed a fourth to play a game, I was included.  In general, she was shy around strangers.  I was fearless.  She would send me up to some stranger kids and I would come back with them in tow to include all of us.  This continued until we were about 3 and 5.

Something changed then in her.  She began to show off in front of her friends.  She began to get overly focused upon how things appeared to others.  She became cruel.  Belittling me and humiliating me in front of her friends became the norm.  Being the fourth player shifted to being the omega.  I remember a time where they wanted me to play house, chose me to be the daughter, dressed me up in girl's clothes and took pictures.  They then told me if I didn't do exactly what they said that they would show the pictures to everyone and no one would ever want to talk to me ever again.  I was 3.

Things got worse from there.  I know in my other post that I had mentioned I was kids by the teased at school when I wore her hand-me-downs.  The reality of it is that I was teased most of all by her and her friends.  If I cried, I was teased more, called a cry-baby, and told that only girls cry... and that maybe I should be wearing a girl's hat.  If I tried to tell my parents they would hold me down while my sister went and told lies to my mother about me misbehaving and that I was going to come and try to lie to her about things.  If I went and told I would get punished and sent to time out (locked in a small room).  Another time when I threatened to tell they tied me up and put me in her closet, tying the handles together on the outside so it wouldn't open and then left me there for hours.

Outside of those times, she always found something to criticize and make fun of about me.  The clothes I wore, the way I talked, etc.  It was like her goal was to make me feel self-conscious and fucked up about anything and everything I did.  Her friends always jumped in so easily.  The lesson I learned was that girls are mean.

Coupling what I felt at home and the behavior of kids at my pre-school... I built up a very strong set of armor... and became a jerk.  I shut down empathy and sympathy.  I started to attack rather than be attacked.  I was an angry ball of rage that had no clue how to handle emotions.  Crying was shameful.  Hide my true feelings.  Keep everything buried inside.  Let no one see the real me.  Those were how I grew to live.

As I got older I started to slowly let the walls down... but all of those mantras were ingrained.  It took me a VERY long time to be comfortable expressing my feelings and even longer on being able to reveal the vulnerable parts of myself.  It was kind of sad.

To this day I hate my sister.  She is a selfish bitch and not a person I would ever choose to associate with by choice.  She is entitled and gets furious when everything doesn't go her way.  To top things off, she is passive-aggressive and under-handed.  When I was 21 we tried to salvage something of a friendship when she unburdened herself saying she always felt my parents favored me over her.  I did a triple take.  No one ever laid a finger on her.  They always gave her the benefit of the doubt.  She followed it up with stating that she was jealous that I was braver, smarter, and better at things than she was.  I was willing to let all that go but then I realized... when she told me those things it was NOT her trying to bridge a gap that had grown between us, but her giving me the reasons that she was such a bitch to me.  I don't speak with her anymore.  My last words were a calmly delivered "fuck off and die."

I find it slightly irritating how much of a factor she has played in the shaping of my life.

Changes to my subspace

Something noteworthy has shifted within me since I wrote my post on Friday.  I don't know how much I may have changed... but I am aware that the feelings are not the same nor are my body's responses.

A lot of my slavespace banked on a trigger that was rooted in anxiety.  Force me into shame and embarrassment in a certain way and I would be overwhelmed with such a force of feelings and tightening of the chest that my persona would collapse and buckle, leaving only the slave behind.

What is different since writing that post and crying several times in the process was a great emotional release and a number of answers to long-standing questions rushing to the forefront.  Many of these questions I had carried with me since my early teens.  Now that they "make sense," the "I must just be really fucked up" impulse is gone and my chest doesn't react in the same way (those who have experienced large amounts of anxiety know what I am talking about).

I have to say that I am concerned about what this means to me as a sub.  Before I was predictable and could easily lay out a blueprint on how pushing my buttons would make me react.  What stands now is a great unknown and what I don't know feels scary and unpredictable.

While the anxiety about myself is gone, I can feel the fragile sense of confidence I have teetering with uncertainty.  I can tell this is my fear of rejection.

I'm hoping that more of this will reveal itself as time passes.  

30 Days of submission: Day 21

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Sort of.  Part of the rituals I had with F she would have me hold a bowed position that looked like this:  

This was a display of my devotion to her.  It does a bit for my subspace.

30 Days of Kink: Day 21

List your Favourite BDSM related book/s (fiction or non-fiction).

Well, seeing as I am into F/m.  I like the 4 Femdom novels that were ever published for real.

Just kidding, I've only read 2 of the 4.*
  • Venus in Furs
  • The English Governess
I have a Sardax art book I enjoy a lot.

At some point T and I had picked up some books on the lifestyle from Gloria Brame, Elise Sutton, etc. but none of them ever got any real focus.

At some point I would like to get Sardax's Venus in Furs.

*I was originally intending to be sarcastic... then I realized it wasn't... so I tried harder.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

A little bit of clarity and a few more uncertainties

I've had a number of conversations about my Friday discoveries since writing that post.  I've been able to get some good feedback that helped provide some insight into the situation.  While there are still a lot of questions that don't have answers, I'm feeling okay about what I know so far.

As I've come to understand it, the events that happened in the realm of age 3-5 or so caused me to craft a new persona to protect my vulnerability.  This became my alpha and it was the only face I showed to the world for many years and I still rely upon it today.  That persona tends to act out a belief set that I do not always agree with... but it is to maintain appearances and "blend in" with the world.

I'm not sure if what I experience through submission is a little persona or not.  It is my truly vulnerable side that I buried in the wake of the events of my youth.  From what I can understand of it, the hat and/or earmuffs are the key that unlocks that part of myself.  M was the first to use it.  K was the next.  My vulnerable person is terrified of being hurt and abandoned.  This part of me seeks a "guardian" to submit to and will do anything to win that guardian's approval and acceptance.  The guardian protects me from abandonment and rejection and wields almost absolute power over me.

The guardian doesn't have to be kind, supportive, fair, or consistent.  The guardian must simply want to keep me and I will love her and need her.  This is the part of me that is truly capable of loving.  This is the part of me that cannot say no.

There are more parts of this that I do not yet understand.  This state is hyper-sexual.  The slightest bit of attention and I get aroused.  The slightest thought of pleasing her a I get aroused.  The more that she isolates me, the more under her thumb that she makes me feel and the more desire I have to please her, the more submissive and aroused I become.  I feel naughty because I exist.  I feel undeserving of good things.  The best I can hope for is to be kept and any amount of suffering is simply a test to prove myself worthy of her attention.

Here is where my limited knowledge of littles comes into play.  This state of mine seems like it was paralyzed in that young age, too frightened to show itself unless the keys are used.  Is this a little state or just the fracturing of my psyche?  I'm not really sure.  Are there more keys?  Mittens seem to instill similar feelings.  It seems that things that trap me in shame have the greatest impact.

On the other hand, I pretty much feel like the part of me that responds to feminization is not so much that, but part of the system of what happens here.  Whenever feminization was attempted independently of the keys, I do not reach the same level of subspace.  These are things to mull over.  I have a feeling I will have to reach out to a little or two to get more of an idea, unless someone who has seen anything like this before can chime in with some words. 

So many things swirl around in my head...

30 Days of submission: Day 20

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? 

Increased by a wide margin.  I'm willing/able/wanting to go much deeper into D/s than I was at the start.

Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Yes.  Things had to change slightly with F because our contact got very irregular which hurt my feelings badly and she was rarely available to give me any form of emotional aftercare so I would crash by myself.  With T we had to dial things back in the dynamics department due to trust issues that came up.  She locked me in isolation and forgot about me a few times.  She also had trouble keeping her emotions under control at times which led to abusive situations.  24-7 just wasn't safe for me anymore.

30 Days of Kink: Day 20

Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about or don’t understand.

Heh.  Yes, talk about something, that's not vague at all.

Well, this is actually hard because when I don't understand something I usually do enough research about it until I do understand it... that way I can empathize/sympathize on a passing level or at least have a basic idea of their perspective and point of view.

Even when someone has a closed mind or misconception I can usually understand how they could reach that conclusion.  

The only time I don't understand is when despite all evidence, people still choose to believe something contrary to said evidence.  I doubt this counts as a kink.

So yeah...

Ah, here's one.  Well, I actually understand this a bit, just not enough to have distinct answers to all of my questions regarding it, but...

Why are there so many "submissive types" that are okay in M/f that are NOT okay in M/f?

I have heard one side of this state that male Doms have an ego-driven caring side.  I have heard one case from women that basically stated "I've already raised kids, I don't want another."  While I'm sure these points of view cover a segment of the population, I'm not sure they are complete or thorough to represent more.  So yeah, why?