Over the years I have often heard the phrase "submission is a gift," usually accompanied by a statement about how it should be "given freely." The idea that submission carries with it worth and is something special is very romantic. I consider this a noble sentiment that would hold true in a perfect world. However, in our very flawed world, this is only true for some.
In the F/m community there has been a rise in popularity of the idea that "dominance is a favor." That is, by giving the sub dominance, the dominant is giving the sub what they want and catering to their desires. While this has a lot of implications that go along with it, what stands out to me the most is that this diminishes the value of submission and increases the value of dominance.
The fact that both of these ideas have momentum in the community is a bit strange. The conflicting nature of the two has made me wonder quite a bit as to how both of these can exist. After thinking about it, the best answer I can come up with is: leverage and bargaining power.
The idea that submission is a gift that can be given or taken away is largely a M/f concept. Much of courting in M/f (and its related guides) revolves around the idea of dominants having to prove themselves as trustworthy, responsible, and deserving of a sub's submission. That is, the burden falls upon the man to convince the woman that she should choose him.
The idea that dominance is a favor that can be granted or taken away is pretty much only found in a limited (but growing) segment of F/m. While this idea mostly stems from married couples where D/s is instigated by the sub, there really aren't a lot of F/m resources out there and when some of the more popular resources out there take this stance, it is natural that many newer Dommes seeking resources to learn from also will adopt this mentality. When it is assumed that submission is something the sub wants to do, being permitted to submit is the sub getting their way, thus it is not a gift, but a selfish act. This idea doesn't get challenged very much because in F/m courting the numbers dictate that men have very little, if any, leverage. That is, the burden falls upon the man to convince the woman that she should choose him.
The underlying theme here is that women have options. They are free to choose. They will be courted. They must be impressed. They hold the leverage. To quote Venus in Furs, "Man is the one who desires, woman the one who is desired." Food for thought.
In my own views, I do not agree with either sentiment. I do not see submission as a gift. I do not see dominance as a favor. I see D/s as a symbiotic relationship where each part needs the other to exist in their role. You cannot have dominance without submission. You cannot have submission without dominance. I do make the lofty assumption that people should enjoy the role they choose. If that is the case, then the melding of mutual wants and needs is a favor or gift to neither. This combination is necessary for D/s to exist. It is a choice people make in pursuit of mutual happiness and fulfillment.
I don't think it is selfish to have desires. It is only selfish to pursue said desires without regard for the wants of the other.
This topic is again skewed heavily by the systems in place and the support behind them. The average BDSM guide is targeted at M/f and protects the sub behind its principles of consent and limits. It allows them to accept what they want/need and choose what they will not take part in. This gives the sub leverage, even if it conflicts with the ideal of what submission entails (e.g. relinquishing control).
When it comes to F/m, the guides may serve as a basic framework, but for the most part, they can be thrown out the window. Newer Dommes are encouraged to be selfish. They are taught to never cater to a sub's desires unless it is something that she also enjoys. Basically, she is to treat his desires as incidental or coincidental: if the sub's desires are met, it happens as a byproduct of something else or by random chance. The sub should accept these terms because he doesn't have options or leverage.
I find all of this interesting.
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Friday, December 22, 2017
December Chastity Failings 2017
Well, after several more attempts at devices (read as: money thrown away) I am on the verge of giving up with what is available at my disposal. The base ring size is giving me the most trouble. 50mm is too large. 45mm is too small. At the recommendation of a reader I purchased some of the moldable plastic that you can heat in water in order to make the 50mm ring a little bit smaller. with my first 2 attempts I used too much plastic, which caused a new pinch/rub point. My third attempt I used less plastic and the result was an excruciatingly painful nut crush as it slowly slid through the gap. I may give it another go in the future but right now it feels like I just can't win.
I have debated trying Plastidip... but I have read mixed things about its safety with long-term skin contact so I'm a bit wary. The last thing I would want is cancer of the junk caused by a chastity device.
After all of this I ended up going back to the CB-6000... which I already owned, before I set upon this year's repeated failures. It isn't comfortable, but it doesn't allow slip through nor does it have any rub points that will damage the skin. It's a bit frustrating though. Maybe 2018.
I have debated trying Plastidip... but I have read mixed things about its safety with long-term skin contact so I'm a bit wary. The last thing I would want is cancer of the junk caused by a chastity device.
After all of this I ended up going back to the CB-6000... which I already owned, before I set upon this year's repeated failures. It isn't comfortable, but it doesn't allow slip through nor does it have any rub points that will damage the skin. It's a bit frustrating though. Maybe 2018.
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Thoughts on Dominance, Personality, and Domspace
I have been thinking a bit more about this lately as I am now facing the prospect of having to start my life over yet again.
A while ago I wrote about submissive mental space and about how that serves as the dividing line for many people that separates their submissive persona from their vanilla persona. This can get "blurry" when people have submissive vanilla personalities, but it is clear as day for those who have dominant vanilla personalities but are submissive when they hit subspace.
One of my great frustrations over the years has been when dominants scoff at the idea of submissive mental space. As this isn't meant to be a rant post, so I will simply state that I have encountered those that believe a sub should be submissive without reaching the mental space where their submissive persona resides.
Why I decided to leave with this idea is because I believe that most dominants have similar types of defined separation in their personalities. In fact, it is treated almost like this is mandatory.
When people talk about ideal traits of dominants, they mention things like emotional (self) control, consistency, emotional intelligence, nurturing, responsibility, etc. However, when people talk about having a naturally dominant personality, they think of alpha personalities that are often defined by motivation, take charge attitude, feeling entitled/deserving, strength, the ability to govern others, wants to get their way, and so on. Basically, the traits that make someone dominant (adjective) are not the traits that make someone a good dominant (noun).
I find it fascinating how much emphasis people put on being "naturally dominant." When people describe their Dom(me) they gush about how naturally dominant they are. When you see a Dom(me) peacocking for attention they will often advertise how naturally dominant they are.
I believe the true emphasis should be upon the "other traits," because without those, we don't know what we have. Someone can be demanding and controlling but without knowing more about them we have no clue if they are a bully, an abuser, a sociopath, a narcissist, a psychopath, or a loving and caring dominant.
This is one of the things that I find interesting about dominants. They have to balance the varying sides of themselves. They have a vanilla persona. They have their Domspace-driven dominant persona (read as: when being dominant turns them on). They have a caring, nurturing, and emotionally aware side that meshes with their dominant persona and acts as a regulator and guide for their dominance and protects their sub from true harm.
The funny thing about this is that the emotionally-rooted foundation of a Dom(me) is not part of what is found in the view of "natural dominance." These are learned behaviors gained through social interaction and placing value upon people and not learned by just dominating them in any way imaginable (if you have witnessed sports team or frat ritual hazing you know exactly what I mean). With this in mind, when I find myself complimenting a Dom(me) I almost want to say, "wow, how unnaturally dominant they are," although most people would probably take that as an insult.
Regardless is that I think it takes a special kind of person to be able to both hurt and love/nurture the one that they love.
A final oddity is that I think the majority of submissives are aware that it is being multi-dimensional that makes a dominant a good dominant yet I still come across many who think good submissives are meant to have only one persona. I'm not sure why that is.
A while ago I wrote about submissive mental space and about how that serves as the dividing line for many people that separates their submissive persona from their vanilla persona. This can get "blurry" when people have submissive vanilla personalities, but it is clear as day for those who have dominant vanilla personalities but are submissive when they hit subspace.
One of my great frustrations over the years has been when dominants scoff at the idea of submissive mental space. As this isn't meant to be a rant post, so I will simply state that I have encountered those that believe a sub should be submissive without reaching the mental space where their submissive persona resides.
Why I decided to leave with this idea is because I believe that most dominants have similar types of defined separation in their personalities. In fact, it is treated almost like this is mandatory.
When people talk about ideal traits of dominants, they mention things like emotional (self) control, consistency, emotional intelligence, nurturing, responsibility, etc. However, when people talk about having a naturally dominant personality, they think of alpha personalities that are often defined by motivation, take charge attitude, feeling entitled/deserving, strength, the ability to govern others, wants to get their way, and so on. Basically, the traits that make someone dominant (adjective) are not the traits that make someone a good dominant (noun).
I find it fascinating how much emphasis people put on being "naturally dominant." When people describe their Dom(me) they gush about how naturally dominant they are. When you see a Dom(me) peacocking for attention they will often advertise how naturally dominant they are.
I believe the true emphasis should be upon the "other traits," because without those, we don't know what we have. Someone can be demanding and controlling but without knowing more about them we have no clue if they are a bully, an abuser, a sociopath, a narcissist, a psychopath, or a loving and caring dominant.
This is one of the things that I find interesting about dominants. They have to balance the varying sides of themselves. They have a vanilla persona. They have their Domspace-driven dominant persona (read as: when being dominant turns them on). They have a caring, nurturing, and emotionally aware side that meshes with their dominant persona and acts as a regulator and guide for their dominance and protects their sub from true harm.
The funny thing about this is that the emotionally-rooted foundation of a Dom(me) is not part of what is found in the view of "natural dominance." These are learned behaviors gained through social interaction and placing value upon people and not learned by just dominating them in any way imaginable (if you have witnessed sports team or frat ritual hazing you know exactly what I mean). With this in mind, when I find myself complimenting a Dom(me) I almost want to say, "wow, how unnaturally dominant they are," although most people would probably take that as an insult.
Regardless is that I think it takes a special kind of person to be able to both hurt and love/nurture the one that they love.
A final oddity is that I think the majority of submissives are aware that it is being multi-dimensional that makes a dominant a good dominant yet I still come across many who think good submissives are meant to have only one persona. I'm not sure why that is.
It Ends
Originally Posted: 12/18/17
T and I called off our relationship yesterday. The split was amicable and a couple of years in the making. We are now roommates. There is no rush for either of us to move out as both of us find the arrangement to be mutually beneficial. She lost her sex drive a few years ago and over the past year or two she has lost any romantic feelings for me whatsoever.
I am feeling a bit numb. There is a twinge of hurt festering inside. There is also some relief. I had feared this would blow up in a bad way where I would have to be afraid of what she might do and the stress that would follow. When our lease expires we may still live together in a new place but we would have separate rooms. There are 5-6 months before any decisions have to be made on that front.
I am now, for the first time in 12+ years, single.
T and I called off our relationship yesterday. The split was amicable and a couple of years in the making. We are now roommates. There is no rush for either of us to move out as both of us find the arrangement to be mutually beneficial. She lost her sex drive a few years ago and over the past year or two she has lost any romantic feelings for me whatsoever.
I am feeling a bit numb. There is a twinge of hurt festering inside. There is also some relief. I had feared this would blow up in a bad way where I would have to be afraid of what she might do and the stress that would follow. When our lease expires we may still live together in a new place but we would have separate rooms. There are 5-6 months before any decisions have to be made on that front.
I am now, for the first time in 12+ years, single.
Thoughts on Worth
Originally Posted: 12/16/17
HeartsHope made a post the other day about being asked about her worth. Both her and some comments made it seem that a lot of people struggle with this.
When K spotted the qualities of a submissive in me so many years ago, it was the product of years of gradual change as I found ways to cope with rejection and loneliness.
What is my worth?
It is easy for me to answer this question. I will make someone feel more loved than they have ever felt before. I will make someone laugh. There will never be a shortage of things to talk about. I always have something special to share, whether it be a book, a movie, a song, a restaurant, or anything else. I always seek out the best version of something that I can find so that I can share the best version with the one I love.
As a sub, I will endure. I am willing to be shaped, molded, regulated, and controlled. Everything that I do and think about will place her as the focus. I will be anything and everything that she asks of me. I want to make her smile. I want to provide a life that she thinks about and feels lucky to have. I do not mind feeling used, because use has value.
My worth is that I am willing to exist for her.
This is the way that I see my place in the world. There is a catch to it all. I require someone else to determine my worth. A good bit of what makes me a semi-interesting person to interact with is the ways that I find to kill time when I am alone. That being said, I find my time alone to be bearable at best, and miserable at worst. At my core I do not feel that I have worth unless it is defined by someone else.
I am okay with this. I do not feel that the type of “worth” that I feel is lesser because it is defined externally. There are people who will tell me that I am wrong. There are people who will look down upon me for feeling this way. I am fine with this. I have met partners that were okay with this too and loved to take advantage of my strengths in this way.
The byproduct of this that people rarely understand is that I am okay with only feeling as much worth as she allows. I am okay being treated in a way that is consistent with the amount of worth she permits me in that moment. It feels right.
This is my worth.
HeartsHope made a post the other day about being asked about her worth. Both her and some comments made it seem that a lot of people struggle with this.
When K spotted the qualities of a submissive in me so many years ago, it was the product of years of gradual change as I found ways to cope with rejection and loneliness.
What is my worth?
It is easy for me to answer this question. I will make someone feel more loved than they have ever felt before. I will make someone laugh. There will never be a shortage of things to talk about. I always have something special to share, whether it be a book, a movie, a song, a restaurant, or anything else. I always seek out the best version of something that I can find so that I can share the best version with the one I love.
As a sub, I will endure. I am willing to be shaped, molded, regulated, and controlled. Everything that I do and think about will place her as the focus. I will be anything and everything that she asks of me. I want to make her smile. I want to provide a life that she thinks about and feels lucky to have. I do not mind feeling used, because use has value.
My worth is that I am willing to exist for her.
This is the way that I see my place in the world. There is a catch to it all. I require someone else to determine my worth. A good bit of what makes me a semi-interesting person to interact with is the ways that I find to kill time when I am alone. That being said, I find my time alone to be bearable at best, and miserable at worst. At my core I do not feel that I have worth unless it is defined by someone else.
I am okay with this. I do not feel that the type of “worth” that I feel is lesser because it is defined externally. There are people who will tell me that I am wrong. There are people who will look down upon me for feeling this way. I am fine with this. I have met partners that were okay with this too and loved to take advantage of my strengths in this way.
The byproduct of this that people rarely understand is that I am okay with only feeling as much worth as she allows. I am okay being treated in a way that is consistent with the amount of worth she permits me in that moment. It feels right.
This is my worth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)