Shifts in Fantasy

When my depression sets in I usually find myself blocked from accessing and maintaining the submissive mental space that I hold so dear.  I can catch glimpses of it but the moments are fleeting and I cannot grab on and ride the feelings for any amount of time.  Something else I notice is that to "get there," I have a natural shift in the types of fantasies my brain chases.

In normal times I can linger in a fantasy of a loving and warm, albeit strict form of lifestyle D/s.  I crave the intimacy and personal connection.  I long for the embrace of my soulmate and my heart flutters as I find my life's meaning through submission and service.  This is my ultimate vulnerability and the words of my heart resonate deeply to my core.

As depression slowly erodes my feelings over time, I find the demons screaming at me, attacking my fears and weaknesses.  The defenses around my heart activate and I feel things close off within.  I know this is my coping mechanism.  I know it is effective.  My submissive self is still here and it suffers, unable to feel the way it should.  When an idealized sense of love falls from its view, it continues searching.

It begins to pursue fantasies that exist within the darkness.  Cruel.  Harsh.  Impersonal.  These flash the glimpses that allow for submission under any circumstances.  I cease thinking about myself as a life partner.  I become something lesser.  A slave.  A prisoner.  A servant.  It does not matter who I am, it only matters what I do.  I am an action.  I am a service.  I merely exist at someone else's beck and call.  I have no choices.  No freedom.  No future.  I am there, trapped by the moment, living moment to moment, day by day.  There is no warmth or love waiting at the end of the trials.  The best I can hope for is the absence of pain.  I still want to love... I just do not expect to be loved.

Why do things turn so dark?  Why is this the only way that I feel anything decent?  Is this the manifestation of how I see myself?  Or is this my inner submissive simply scrounging to be fed and it takes whatever crumbs it can get?

This is part of the cycle.  In these times, it is the only way I can get off.  I don't know how I should feel about that, or if I should just ride it, knowing that this is temporary.

Thoughts on “submission as a gift” and leverage

Over the years I have often heard the phrase "submission is a gift," usually accompanied by a statement about how it should be "given freely."  The idea that submission carries with it worth and is something special is very romantic.  I consider this a noble sentiment that would hold true in a perfect world.   However, in our very flawed world, this is only true for some.

In the F/m community there has been a rise in popularity of the idea that "dominance is a favor."  That is, by giving the sub dominance, the dominant is giving the sub what they want and catering to their desires.  While this has a lot of implications that go along with it, what stands out to me the most is that this diminishes the value of submission and increases the value of dominance.

The fact that both of these ideas have momentum in the community is a bit strange.  The conflicting nature of the two has made me wonder quite a bit as to how both of these can exist.  After thinking about it, the best answer I can come up with is: leverage and bargaining power.

The idea that submission is a gift that can be given or taken away is largely a M/f concept.  Much of courting in M/f (and its related guides) revolves around the idea of dominants having to prove themselves as trustworthy, responsible, and deserving of a sub's submission.  That is, the burden falls upon the man to convince the woman that she should choose him.

The idea that dominance is a favor that can be granted or taken away is pretty much only found in a limited (but growing) segment of F/m.  While this idea mostly stems from married couples where D/s is instigated by the sub, there really aren't a lot of F/m resources out there and when some of the more popular resources out there take this stance, it is natural that many newer Dommes seeking resources to learn from also will adopt this mentality.  When it is assumed that submission is something the sub wants to do, being permitted to submit is the sub getting their way, thus it is not a gift, but a selfish act.  This idea doesn't get challenged very much because in F/m courting the numbers dictate that men have very little, if any, leverage.  That is, the burden falls upon the man to convince the woman that she should choose him.

The underlying theme here is that women have options.  They are free to choose.  They will be courted.  They must be impressed.  They hold the leverage.  To quote Venus in Furs, "Man is the one who desires, woman the one who is desired."  Food for thought.

In my own views, I do not agree with either sentiment.  I do not see submission as a gift.  I do not see dominance as a favor.  I see D/s as a symbiotic relationship where each part needs the other to exist in their role.  You cannot have dominance without submission.  You cannot have submission without dominance.  I do make the lofty assumption that people should enjoy the role they choose.  If that is the case, then the melding of mutual wants and needs is a favor or gift to neither.  This combination is necessary for D/s to exist.  It is a choice people make in pursuit of mutual happiness and fulfillment.
I don't think it is selfish to have desires.  It is only selfish to pursue said desires without regard for the wants of the other.

This topic is again skewed heavily by the systems in place and the support behind them.  The average BDSM guide is targeted at M/f and protects the sub behind its principles of consent and limits.  It allows them to accept what they want/need and choose what they will not take part in.  This gives the sub leverage, even if it conflicts with the ideal of what submission entails (e.g. relinquishing control).

When it comes to F/m, the guides may serve as a basic framework, but for the most part, they can be thrown out the window.  Newer Dommes are encouraged to be selfish.  They are taught to never cater to a sub's desires unless it is something that she also enjoys.  Basically, she is to treat his desires as incidental or coincidental: if the sub's desires are met, it happens as a byproduct of something else or by random chance.  The sub should accept these terms because he doesn't have options or leverage.

I find all of this interesting.

December Chastity Failings 2017

Well, after several more attempts at devices (read as: money thrown away) I am on the verge of giving up with what is available at my disposal.  The base ring size is giving me the most trouble.  50mm is too large.  45mm is too small.  At the recommendation of a reader I purchased some of the moldable plastic that you can heat in water in order to make the 50mm ring a little bit smaller.  with my first 2 attempts I used too much plastic, which caused a new pinch/rub point.  My third attempt I used less plastic and the result was an excruciatingly painful nut crush as it slowly slid through the gap.  I may give it another go in the future but right now it feels like I just can't win.

I have debated trying Plastidip... but I have read mixed things about its safety with long-term skin contact so I'm a bit wary.  The last thing I would want is cancer of the junk caused by a chastity device.

After all of this I ended up going back to the CB-6000... which I already owned, before I set upon this year's repeated failures.  It isn't comfortable, but it doesn't allow slip through nor does it have any rub points that will damage the skin. It's a bit frustrating though.  Maybe 2018.

Thoughts on Dominance, Personality, and Domspace

I have been thinking a bit more about this lately as I am now facing the prospect of having to start my life over yet again.

A while ago I wrote about submissive mental space and about how that serves as the dividing line for many people that separates their submissive persona from their vanilla persona.  This can get "blurry" when people have submissive vanilla personalities, but it is clear as day for those who have dominant vanilla personalities but are submissive when they hit subspace.

One of my great frustrations over the years has been when dominants scoff at the idea of submissive mental space.  As this isn't meant to be a rant post, so I will simply state that I have encountered those that believe a sub should be submissive without reaching the mental space where their submissive persona resides.

Why I decided to leave with this idea is because I believe that most dominants have similar types of defined separation in their personalities.  In fact, it is treated almost like this is mandatory.

When people talk about ideal traits of dominants, they mention things like emotional (self) control, consistency, emotional intelligence, nurturing, responsibility, etc.  However, when people talk about having a naturally dominant personality, they think of alpha personalities that are often defined by motivation, take charge attitude, feeling entitled/deserving, strength, the ability to govern others, wants to get their way, and so on.  Basically, the traits that make someone dominant (adjective) are not the traits that make someone a good dominant (noun).

I find it fascinating how much emphasis people put on being "naturally dominant."  When people describe their Dom(me) they gush about how naturally dominant they are.  When you see a Dom(me) peacocking for attention they will often advertise how naturally dominant they are.

I believe the true emphasis should be upon the "other traits," because without those, we don't know what we have.  Someone can be demanding and controlling but without knowing more about them we have no clue if they are a bully, an abuser, a sociopath, a narcissist, a psychopath, or a loving and caring dominant.

This is one of the things that I find interesting about dominants.  They have to balance the varying sides of themselves.  They have a vanilla persona.  They have their Domspace-driven dominant persona (read as: when being dominant turns them on).  They have a caring, nurturing, and emotionally aware side that meshes with their dominant persona and acts as a regulator and guide for their dominance and protects their sub from true harm.

The funny thing about this is that the emotionally-rooted foundation of a Dom(me) is not part of what is found in the view of "natural dominance."  These are learned behaviors gained through social interaction and placing value upon people and not learned by just dominating them in any way imaginable (if you have witnessed sports team or frat ritual hazing you know exactly what I mean).  With this in mind, when I find myself complimenting a Dom(me) I almost want to say, "wow, how unnaturally dominant they are," although most people would probably take that as an insult.

Regardless is that I think it takes a special kind of person to be able to both hurt and love/nurture the one that they love.

A final oddity is that I think the majority of submissives are aware that it is being multi-dimensional that makes a dominant a good dominant yet I still come across many who think good submissives are meant to have only one persona.  I'm not sure why that is.

Thoughts on Worth

Originally Posted: 12/16/17

HeartsHope made a post the other day about being asked about her worth.  Both her and some comments made it seem that a lot of people struggle with this.

When K spotted the qualities of a submissive in me so many years ago, it was the product of years of gradual change as I found ways to cope with rejection and loneliness.

What is my worth?

It is easy for me to answer this question.  I will make someone feel more loved than they have ever felt before.  I will make someone laugh.  There will never be a shortage of things to talk about.  I always have something special to share, whether it be a book, a movie, a song, a restaurant, or anything else.  I always seek out the best version of something that I can find so that I can share the best version with the one I love.

As a sub, I will endure.  I am willing to be shaped, molded, regulated, and controlled. Everything that I do and think about will place her as the focus.  I will be anything and everything that she asks of me.  I want to make her smile.  I want to provide a life that she thinks about and feels lucky to have.  I do not mind feeling used, because use has value.

My worth is that I am willing to exist for her.

This is the way that I see my place in the world.  There is a catch to it all.  I require someone else to determine my worth.  A good bit of what makes me a semi-interesting person to interact with is the ways that I find to kill time when I am alone.  That being said, I find my time alone to be bearable at best, and miserable at worst.  At my core I do not feel that I have worth unless it is defined by someone else.

I am okay with this.  I do not feel that the type of “worth” that I feel is lesser because it is defined externally.  There are people who will tell me that I am wrong.  There are people who will look down upon me for feeling this way.  I am fine with this.  I have met partners that were okay with this too and loved to take advantage of my strengths in this way.

The byproduct of this that people rarely understand is that I am okay with only feeling as much worth as she allows.  I am okay being treated in a way that is consistent with the amount of worth she permits me in that moment.  It feels right.

This is my worth.

Socks... for Vanessa Chaland

I included a little blurb about socks in my last post and had a picture requested.  They were sort of like these...

The pants I wear has an inseam that is slightly too long so they realistically covered everything with the exception of a very brief moment when I set my foot down while walking. Of course that was enough for someone to notice. 

Thoughts on Exposure

Note:  I had to write this in two sittings.  I apologize if it lacks continuity.

I’ve always found it interesting how “being outed” is one of the biggest fears among those who partake in D/s.  This fear is as old as D/s itself and dates back well before the days of image-matching and social media tags.  For ease, I will ignore the potentially career-threatening ramifications of being exposed and merely look at it in the context of D/s when it is applied successfully.
From my own experiences, there are two types of exposure that stand out.

1. Being “forced” to tell someone my deepest, darkest fantasies and secrets and being completely honest about them.
2. Having my submissive self outed in front of other people outside of a kink-friendly environment.

These acts can be performed either with relative strangers or someone that you know who has not seen this side of you before.  To be honest, both of these situations make me tremble with fear and cause my submissive mental space to spiral.  I find this to be interesting because it is always just assumed that this would be awful and I’ve never really come across anyone that took the time to spell it out.  It’s almost like we don’t want to know why this affects us so much.  We encounter an example of it and we shudder and think, “I’m glad that is not me.”

For a lot of us, being able to be our “true selves” and accepted by others is something we long for.  We join kink communities and attend local events.  We make friends with others in the scene because we crave their approval.  We seek validation of our private selves. We want to know that “this is okay.”

The truth is that there is always some risk when opening ourselves up in this way.  There is always some fear that they will think what we are into is “too freaky” and they will run away screaming and announce to everyone else what a fucked up pervert you really are.  It’s sort of funny that even when people find it easy to admit, “I am a submissive,” or “I am a dominant,” only a handful are ever really brave enough to hang it all out there.  I strongly admire the people that can be bluntly honest about their kinks and desires.  That takes an incredible amount of courage.

Why is it so difficult for us to experience this?  Realistically, why should we care what strangers or people we barely know think of us?  What is truly important is what the people who are close to us think, and assuming that they already know about your hidden self, they already accept you.  I believe that the fear we have about the reactions of the others does two things.

1. It establishes their baseline perception of us.  They now see us as a deviant.
2. It reinforces that this is our true identity.  I now feel like a deviant.

Another factor that comes into play when we are exposed to those that we are not close to is that they don’t have a lot of motivation to truly understand and accept us and their response may either be either:

• Completely unfiltered and cruel.  They don’t care enough about us to hold it back.
• OR, completely masked with their true feelings completely hidden to us.

In the first case, we experience the harshness of reality when people unleash their true thoughts on something.  In the second, we are left guessing how they actually feel and wonder what they will say to others when removed from our presence.

I find that these situations have two stages of anguish.  The first is in anticipation of and actually experiencing their reaction.  The second is wondering what will happen next.  Will they ever speak to you again?  Will you hear from others that they have been spreading your secret around?  Will it show up immortalized on the internet and now linked to you forever?

It is strange how this can be so haunting when it happens with strangers.  Assuming that they don’t take your photo that ends up as an internet meme, logic says that we should be able to shrug this off since it is someone that doesn’t know you and you will never see them again.  However, insecurity tends to take over and the words, tone, and expressions of a total stranger may often remained burned into our memory.  I believe this is because we unconsciously project their reactions as how the world at large would feel.  If they think that of me, then EVERYONE else would think that too.  It becomes an intensely powerful mirror where we see how we are seen.

It’s funny because for the most part, people are selfish.  They are wrapped up in their own lives.  Unless someone is close to you, they probably don’t really care what you do, who you are, and how it makes you feel.  Fear interestingly magnifies our sense of self-importance.

That being said, you occasionally stumble across the rare individual that is absurdly perceptive of what is going on around them.  I can remember on one occasion when I was ordered to wear socks with a hot pink stripe on them.  I was wearing long pants and there was probably only a fraction of a second each time I took a step where they were visible in the slightest, yet while in a store…

“Is it laundry day?”
“Excuse me?”
“Nice socks.”

I wanted to run to my car and never be seen again.  Instead I just stood there with a bright red face, unable to respond.

Interesting how that works, isn’t it?

An Intro to F/m – Part 8

8th part… scroll around to find the other 7.  This is targeted at people who are new or familiar with M/f but not F/m.

I am making an actual disclaimer here.  I am not a fan of Sexism in D/s.  I do not believe in any way that any one gender is or should be dominant or submissive.  I believe this is completely individual and no one is simply deserving of one role or the other by birth right.  I have met shitty dominants and shitty submissives from both genders and good dominants and good submissives from both genders.

That being said, I’m going to talk about an idea that is often present in F/m but is not present in M/f.  The idea has various names, although the terms female supremacy and female superiority are most common.  As is probably obvious from the names, D/s relationships that rely upon this principle behave in a way to where women are treated with elevated status over men.

There are varying flavors of this sort of dynamic.  You will find cases where people live with this as an actual belief.  You will find cases where people behave as if this is true without believing in it, but they may maintain the illusion through dynamics.  Some emphasize the elevation of women by treating them like Queens or Goddesses.  Some emphasize the inferiority of men and look at them as lowly slaves.  Some believe men should be submissive to all women.  Others believe that only the “enlightened” women who embrace their superiority deserve this status.

The people who live in this way have varying means of justifying it.  What is interesting is that it is not a mirror of the “men strong, women weak” justification you will sometimes find in M/f.  No one is making the claim that women are physically more powerful than men.  The claim they are making is that the characteristics of women make them more fit to rule because the traditionally “feminine” behavioral traits are morally superior.  e.g. Cooperation over confrontation, emotional support over male shaming, nurturing and understanding over anger and physical violence, and so on.  This is often accompanied by citing poor decision-making when males are aroused (so they should be kept chaste).  In this way, they see the world as a better place when a woman controls her man.

Are there cases where this is true?  Sure.  You will also find many cases where men and women do not behave with their stereotypes.

If I had to wager, I would say that it is probably more common for people to behave this way under the illusion of female superiority rather than acting with true misandry.  It is an interesting difference though if people have not been exposed to this before.

Thoughts on Personal Acceptance

I will never be enough.  How could someone ever want someone like me?

These thoughts fall at the core of my being.  They are the horrific reality that drives me.

Most people don't think this way.  They have at some point had someone there for them, proving that they were okay.  Proving that they were enough.  Proving that they deserved happiness and the things they wanted.  Proving that they could feel secure with themselves.  All it takes is one to quiet the nagging doubts within.

Unfortunately the experiences of my vanilla self did not have this.  Rather than proof, it simply added to the doubts.  I am not pretty.  I am too short.  I don't project the right kind of confidence.

I have written before that in many ways the birth of my submissive self was heavily rooted within compensating for everything that I am not.  I have strengths, but they never seemed to matter until I became a submissive.  My strengths and desperation made me into a very good submissive.  They made me enough to be chosen.

However, to this day I have never been chosen for who I am.  When I am chosen it is because of who I am willing to be.  I am willing to be anything and everything.  I am willing to be nothing.  I am good at this.  This is what has made me acceptable.

I will act with effort.  I will endure.  I will improve.  I will perfect.  I will be broken.  This is how I have learned to show love.

This is my identity.  This is how I have come to accept myself.  This is how I have come to like myself.  This is where I have pride.

I have spent most of my life insecure and confused.  As such, it becomes very important to me to understand myself.  It becomes absolutely paramount for me to be able to adequately express who I am and what makes me tick.  I crave labels because it gives a name to what I am.  They validate me.

This is how I accept myself.

I am not enough unless I am willing to __________.

Thoughts on Sex Drive and Depression

As a number of blogging friends that I know are also currently experiencing depression, seasonal or otherwise, I was asked to write on this topic.  The person in question went from basically… being horny and having many orgasms each day to complete loss of desire that has lasted over a week.  The question they wanted answered was if the loss of desire was due to loss of interest or depression.
The answer I have:  It is depression.

I’ve been to more therapists than I can remember their names.  One of the questions they ask, often in the first 5-10 minutes of the first meeting if you are feeling depressed is: how is your sex drive?
They ask this in couples therapy as well.

Loss of sex drive is one of the big tipoffs for many and it is especially noticeable when it involves a drastic change.

Since everyone has different things going on, I will just share how my process works in regards to this as it may lead to some observations that are applicable for others.

My own arousal is completely intertwined with feelings of submission.  I do not get aroused without being in or thinking about D/s in some way.  If I am aroused I am feeling submissive.  If I am feeling submissive I am aroused.

The first thing that makes me aware that I have depression setting in is the inability for me to access my submissive mental space.  For me, feeling submissive is a state of ultimate vulnerability where my heart is pulled to the surface and I am unable to avoid or hide my feelings.

As I have been dealing with depression for 30+ years and finally found a sustainable means of coping in the past 10 years, I have come to learn quite a bit about the process.  I refer to the effects of my depression as my “demons.”  They are basically impulses, thoughts, and feelings that creep into my head and begin to respond to random triggers and fill me with an impulse of negativity and pain.
One of note was when a friend and I were at a restaurant (I was 20) and she was coloring on the menu with a purple crayon and made a reference to Harold.  This was a reference to a children’s book that I cherished from my youth, called Harold and the Purple Crayon.  I probably read it and had it read to me well over 100 times from the ages of 2-4 and it carried with it many happy memories of the innocence of youth and times where I was protected from the world that regularly harmed me.  I also remember when I was made to give it away at age 5.  I had planned to keep it forever and read it to my children.  Taking it away from me was a betrayal and it left me devastated (that same day I was forced to give up a number of precious childhood keepsakes).  This event triggered me to relive the moments of lost innocence and it was a pivotal moment in my life when sentimental value ceased to exist for me.  I relived feeling a part of my heart die and I was overwhelmed with pain at realizing I hated being alive and carrying all of this pain.

While not every trigger is as strong as this one was, they happen enough to make life… feel not good.  I have since learned to “shrug off” the impulses, but it doesn’t stop me from having them.  During my depression, this will happen anywhere from 1 to 200 times a day, with the worse the depression is the more often it happens.

My coping mechanism is to try and keep myself busy and occupied.  Keep my brain thinking about unimportant things.  These are the times where I might watch 75 episodes of a TV or anime series in a week.  In turn, my heart closes off.  My feelings dull and get numb.  If I feel anything, it is living vicariously through whatever I am doing or watching.

As this happens, my sex drive shuts off.  It’s not like I don’t want to do intimate and sexual things, but it is that I am unable feel vulnerable.  When I am not vulnerable, I do not feel submissive.  Without feeling submissive, I do not get aroused.  Without arousal I have no sex drive.  In times like now, where I do not have D/s in my day to day home life it leaves me stuck and blocked.

That being said, my vulnerability can be forced open in the presence of dominance.  It requires an incredibly strict and harsh form of dominance, but it can in fact rip down my walls and keep me in a submissive and aroused state.

Hopefully this description will help them answer their question.

Thoughts on Kink vs. Submission

I received a comment on my last post that has inspired me to write another post (which made me very happy).  The post that I am about to write is not meant to detract from the views shared, it is merely something that set off a chain reaction of thoughts that I will spew onto this page.

The comment separated the individual acts relating to submission and kink.  e.g. bondage is kink while service is submission.  I find this interesting because the idea of separation has become very common in recent years in certain circles but it was a notion that really didn’t exist until the past ~5 years or so.

When I started researching and learning about D/s in 2004, kink and submission (or kink and dominance) were seen as fairly inseparable.  The community as a whole pretty much accepted that kink and D/s were intertwined and with one came the other.

Starting in around 2013 I began to notice a rise in people who associated with dynamics that intended to downplay the kinky aspects in favor of more “pure” motives.  The first community that gained momentum on this front was the domestic discipline community.  On numerous occasions I have encountered people that claim it isn’t sexual or about kinks and has nothing to do with sadism or masochism, but it is about authority and accountability.  It feels like these claims are often made to prove how different (and usually morally superior) it is to practice this lifestyle in such a way.  I don’t mean to go all negative on the DD crowd, but I have always struggled with this logic since for spanking to be consensual (which makes it non-abusive) and for people to choose to engage in such a lifestyle, there must be something they like/want/need about it.

I have no problems with people that choose to live their lives in this way.  I do start to get wary when people choose to use those choices to judge others and/or use it as justification to make others feel inferior and/or to make themselves feel superior.

Since I first noticed this growing trend I began to see a similar type of thing happening in other communities as well, often creating new terms and names to differentiate themselves.  In other cases, they took existing terms and arbitrarily changed the meaning to suit popular belief of the crowd adopting it (and yes, this is a pet peeve of mine).  Head of Household, chastity practitioners, Taken in Hand, and FLR/WLM are some examples of other communities that seem to try to separate themselves from the kinky roots of the lifestyle.

On some levels I understand why people wish to do this.  They want to a version of D/s that can be introduced to the mainstream.  They want something that will shatter preconceptions and stereotypes and give a moral foundation for the lifestyle they choose to lead.  In many ways I see this as an attempt to achieve feelings of normalcy.

That being said, the world is already fucked up enough.  It is easier for a man to be publicly gay than submissive.  In both cases that same man has to be wary that people may attempt to hurt them because of who they are.  Personally I don’t think that the solution falls in making D/s seem more vanilla, I think it is in making people feel okay about being D/s and working for a more tolerant society that will accept our choices.  I’m guessing at least one person will read that last sentence and think, “good luck, dude.”  Will it happen easily?  No.  Is it possible?  Yes.  Look at how acceptable it has become to be kinky in the post 50 Shades era.  The same thing that lifestylers want to grit their teeth about at what an awful portrayal of D/s that is, it did in fact accomplish something significant by providing a mainstream outlet that helped to slightly relax the anus of society at large.

I will also note that I have written and helped authors write a lot of material on how to “sell” the lifestyle to a vanilla partner.  You talk up all of the merits that make it seem amazing and downplay anything that might make them freak out or storm off in disgust.  I have sold “conversions” to vanilla friends with surprisingly good results.  However, at its core, I know that I love this life because it gets me off (both physically and emotionally).  I know that I am selling the least offensive and most attractive version of the product and this makes absolute sense when encountering someone who isn’t looking to buy it.  However, when surrounded by a group of kink-aware, kink-friendly, and kink-embracing people, I am okay with revealing that I really just enjoy the hell out of it.

Changing gears a bit, I am going back to the idea of kink vs. submission.  I will start with my own definitions.

Kink – a “not directly sexual” act or environment that leads to arousal.  Basically, if it isn’t a naked body (or body part), intercourse, oral sex, stimulation by hand or toy, kissing, petting, etc. and it turns you on, it probably falls into the category of a kink. 

Submission – the act of power exchange where you relinquish control/authority to another person. 

When looking at it in this way, many things overlap between the two.  They can be both kink and submission.  There are also items that may be one or the other depending upon how the dominant feels about it.

It’s easiest to toy with some examples.  If a Domme requires you to address her as Mistress, addressing her with the appropriate title becomes submission.  If that act also turns you on, it is also a kink.  If a Domme restrains you, allowing her to do so is submission.  If it turns you on, it is also a kink.  However, if you want her to restrain you or address her with a title and it turns you on but she doesn’t like that sort of thing, it is a kink and not submission.

This gives some idea of the “line” that defines them.  If it turns the sub on, it is a kink.  If the dominant wants it, it is submission.  It can be both.

In all seriousness this also brings to light the double standard that exists towards submissives  If the dominant wants it, it is dominance.  If it turns the dominant on, it is dominance.  No one really questions this or tries to come up with conditional statements to make some things okay and others not.  I have never heard anyone ever say, “that isn’t dominance, it is a kink.”  Do I think this is wrong?  Not really, it is bound to happen when submissives vastly outnumber dominants and it gives the dominant the right to be as selective as they want to be.

Overall, when I give the advice for people to look at submission from more of a service standpoint, it is mostly to help them better understand what a dominant may be looking for.  There are a huge number of subs that have loads and loads of kinks that the majority of dominants have no interest in.  This doesn’t make it “wrong” for someone to be that way, it just means they are less likely to find a match because every “must have” kink reduces the number of potential partners.  I don’t think this makes someone truly superior or inferior to another, it just makes them more likely or less likely to be noticed and chosen by a dominant.

As this is a “thoughts” post, I don’t really have a point to all of this… they are merely the thoughts that came rushing in regarding to this topic.

Reflecting on my spaces

As I have recently come to accept that I do have a submissive little space I am starting to find where the dividing lines fall between my normal submissive mental space and my submissive little space.

The submissive personas that surface within each of them are rather different.  The triggers that get them there are very different as well.

My "adult" submissive responds to a demanding personality, a woman with confidence, expectations of service, bondage, a woman in fur, rituals that symbolize status and respect, and the like.

My little submissive responds mostly to shame, humiliation, ridicule, forced dressing, and ultra-strict behavioral expectations.

While both spaces feel submissive, my personality within each of them varies greatly.  They also feel very different when I get pushed into deeper space.  My adult sub tends to feel less value and worth as it goes deeper.  My little sub tends to feel more neurotic, desperate, and afraid as it goes deeper.

I'm not sure which is best suited for long-term submission as this differentiation is still new to me.

My Depression and Dehumanization in D/s: Harmony of the Soul

I know that I don’t write a lot about the type of D/s dynamics that I crave.  For some reason I fear being judged over what drives my submissive mental space.  The dynamics I thrive under aren’t very popular at this time and it seems that when I talk about them that I tend to get reminded of this more so than opening the door up for conversation.  This may just be my insecurities speaking, but I do care what people think.

By most standards, what I crave comes close to M/s, but I still like to know that I am loved and appreciated and that my love is also appreciated.  In the times like now when I struggle with my depression, I have a lot of trouble accessing subspace in the ways that I normally do.  I believe that much of this has to do with my learned coping mechanisms.  I tend to wall off my emotions a little bit so that I don’t feel as vulnerable or hurt as much when the thoughts in my head turn negative.
While some might think that coddling and extra emotional support would help in these times, this actually causes extra anxiety and I spiral downwards.  I get down on myself for being unable to snap out of the depressed mental state.  Being told that everything is okay makes me feel even worse about it.

In these times I respond better the harder that I am pressed with dominance.  The thoughts in my brain have already devalued me and I feel at peace when I am treated in a way mirrors my own perceptions.  Basically, being treated like I am lower and lesser feels right… and this can go to extremes.  This is when things can cross over into the M/s realm.  This is when I thrive on being dehumanized.

Ignore my feelings.  How I feel is unimportant.  All that matters is that I complete my tasks thoroughly and within acceptable time constraints.  Remind me of this and the promises that I have made.  I promised to obey and to please at all times, not only when I am feeling good.  Pound this lesson home.  Make it so that I desire nothing but the joy of service.

The harder I am pressed, the better it feels.  Take away my name.  Replace it with a number.  Prohibit me from using “I” and “me.”  Replace those with “it.”  I am not an equal.  What I want is not important.  How I feel is not important.  Keep me busy and occupied, free time is a bane of the mind.  Make me earn my worth with excellence in service.  Remind me of this.  Squash the sense of self inside me that hurts.  Press me harder.  Push me lower.  Take me deeper.  I need nothing but to serve.

This is the harmony of my soul.  When I feel this way, I find my heart open back up… and the love that I feel overwhelms me and spills over all of my life.  This is my ultimate anti-depressant.

Intro To F/m - Part 7

A continuation of the series, disclaimers etc., target audience people who are more familiar with M/f, etc. blah blah blah.  My apologies if any of this stuff are repeats, etc.

F/m does have a number of topics that are pretty much limited to an F/m (or M/m) context.  CBT is one of them for example, as cock and ball torture does in fact require someone to have the requisite anatomy.  Chastity tends to work differently with F/m as well, since while chastity devices exist for women, they can only prevent penetration and aren't designed to "block" arousal and cause a frustrated "tweener" state.

By and large, the remaining activities that exist in F/m with no M/f counterpart largely fall under the blanket of emasculation.

The word emasculate has two definitions:

1. To deprive a man of his male role or identity.
2. To make weaker or less effective.

As I have written before, there is no act of masculinization in M/f.  Being emasculated tends to affect men deeply because of how their masculinity tends to play such a strong part of their identity.  Domina Jen wrote an excellent piece about this a while ago that discusses things in detail.

The types of emasculation vary quite a bit in their intensity and purpose.  However, the majority of them fall into two primary categories:

1. Feminization
2. Sexual Inadequacy

Feminization is a broad subject in itself.  In its least intrusive form, it is pretty common for a Domme to make a sub wear panties.  This can be done for many reasons, often simply as a means of control and taking away a sub's right to wear men's underwear.  Panties tend to hit the male psyche much harder because it emasculates them and brings up fear of discovery/exposure.  Taking things further, a sub may be feminized further and dressed partially or fully in women's clothing.  Again, there may be varying reasons behind this that may include humiliation or simply leading the sub to more docile behavior.  Traditional English petticoating used to cure behavioral problems of unruly boys is sometimes at the root of it.

When taken to extremes (and this is rare), male subs may be completely feminized.  When this happens, things like extended chastity, orgasm only via prostate massage, etc. often accompany it. In the most extreme cases there may be estrogen, implants, and/or *period simulation.  In some cases and with a willing sub, Feminization may involve bisexual acts, where the feminized sub may engage in sexual contact with men (sometimes under the guise that this is "forced'). 

*Since period simulation is probably something many people have never heard of, I will give some examples of it.  I'm not questioning the hygiene of this, merely stating what I have encountered.  One method I have heard is for the male to wear an uncomfortable cock and ball strap so they can experience a constant discomfort like cramping.  A second method I have heard of is for the male to wear a maxipad on his chastity device and change it every few hours (this is more of an inconvenience).  Another I have heard of is a diaper period, where the sub must wear a diaper and wet themselves when they have to urinate and change it with a fresh diaper.  Lastly, I have heard of subs having to wear a tampon in their rectum and change it every few hours.  Any of these would continue for the duration that the woman is on her period so that he can share in her discomfort. 
 
Sexual inadequacy is the other main category.  The idea that a man is "enough" for a woman sexually often lies at the core of his masculinity.  The mild end of this spectrum includes SPH (small penis humiliation).  A man doesn't actually have to be small... the implication that the Domme wishes he was bigger is often enough.  This is especially motivating in training a sub's mouth/tongue.  SPH can also be used in conjunction with (extended) chastity, e.g. if it was bigger, he might be let out more.  The idea behind this is to diminish his masculinity. 

On the extreme end falls cuckolding.  That is, the Domme may find a more satisfying sexual partner.  You will find dynamics like this that are purely physical and in other cases, the bull will become a romantic personal companion as well.  Cuckolding is frequently used in conjunction with feminization.

While these topics might not appeal to everyone, they are some of the things that are exclusive to F/m.

Put on Display

I'm guessing most people have some experience before with being put on display.  This probably happened at least a few times for most people when they were young.  Your parents or relatives would yank you away from whatever you wanted to be doing so they could show off whatever pseudo-talent you might have to people you rarely see.  Resistance would get nowhere and for several minutes you would end up feeling like a circus performer as you played out some irritating routine in order to impress these people that you didn't really care about (unless you happen to be one of those people who wanted the spotlight so you could be doted on while blasting off-key renditions from Annie).

It wasn't until I experienced this in a D/s setting that I was able to understand the feelings that swirl around from being put on display and how they affect me.  I have experienced this in both a pure D/s setting (at a play party) as well as in a way where I was behaving like a submissive, but in the presence of vanilla company.

The process is strange because of the way it dehumanizes you.  You become a sideshow:  something for the entertainment of others and there to be talked about rather than a person to be talked to. 
D/s adds a wrinkle.  You want to make her proud.  You want to represent her as best as you can.  You want to show others what made her choose you... you want to show your worth.

What is strange is that it only takes one person to get the ball rolling.  A simple statement about you within your presence causes a cascade of comments that diminish you as a person.  You become the topic of conversation.  The entertainment.  The service.  Each exchange drives the message home.  The attention becomes discomfort and the discomfort signals that it is too late.  In most cases someone will patronize you in a tone that reeks of condescension.  It's fascinating how someone pretending that you are a person makes it abundantly clear that they don't truly see you as one.

These types of events send me spiraling deep in submissive mental space.  I just want to be something that she is proud of.  This is a special kind of anguish.  I feel myself slip away and endure as an object... that is what I am there for.

November Chastity Failings

So I gave the HT V2 knockoff another chance with the 50mm ring and paid specific attention to lubrication and equilibrium placement... and I ended up having a nut pull through.  This wouldn't be as big of an issue if "pulling through" meant it went through cleanly.  Unfortunately, for those who have had that happen, it means it got crushed and deformed and painfully yanked through an opening it wasn't meant to fit through.  High and tight strikes again.

I tried both that and another device I have with a 45mm ring.  I spent a lot of time attempting to fix the bunching issue again with more lubing.  I was able to last 12 hours before I woke up to searing pain and the next day was experiencing signs of slight bruising and early pressure sore formation.  So... I'm pretty convinced that ring is too small.

As there isn't a 47-48mm ring to try, I'm pretty much looking at pain and discomfort no matter what, it's just a choice of which type of pain.

Nothing I have is looking like a viable long-term option and I'm scared to invest more money down the chastity hole.  On the upside, at least this one was under $30.

Thoughts on Degradation

I find that degradation is one of the most polarizing topics in all of D/s.  There are a huge number of people that hate it.  The majority of people who crave it tend to be mostly male subs. While there are female subs as well as male and female dominants that do enjoy degradation, they tend to be the exception and not the rule.

Degradation also tends to be disproportionately represented in Femdom porn.  That is, the percentage of porn including it far outnumbers the percentage of people who actually partake in it.  That being said, those who do partake in it tend to love it and live for it.

The reasons not to do it are fairly clear.  People want to love and respect their partner.  Even if they practice D/s, there is a certain status they do not want the sub to fall below.  This seems to be as much for the dominant as it is for the submissive: they do not want to choose an inferior lover/life partner and degrading them makes it seem that way.  Degradation is also a tough pill to swallow when it comes to dominant guilt.  People don't like the idea of making someone else feel bad, even if that bad is also good.

With that in mind, I tend to wonder why this ends up being such a hot button topic.  The people who are against degradation tend to be very vocal in their opposition of it.  When I try my best to envision their perspective and I keep coming back to the same answers.  One possibility is that they are morally opposed to it.  It can't be both "real" and "consensual" and goes against their D/s philosophy.  The other possibility that may very well have influenced the other part is that male subs that crave degradation are also often the one-handed typists that project their fetishes onto others and may frequently contact Dommes and try to get them to engage in fetish role-play of this sort.  The end result is an absolute souring on the idea of it so that it goes beyond a "your kink is not my kink" situation and turns into a "damn, the people who want this are total douche bags," thing.

I struggle a bit to give myself honest feelings on this topic because I have been programmed to avoid it.  Truthfully, I love the concept of status inequality.  It drives my submissive mental space wild.  It gets pushed to its maximum when it happens in both directions, e.g. when it is emphasized just how far above me that she is and it is also emphasized just how far below her that I am.  They aren't the same thing.

If people wish to remain ethically and morally safe, it is much easier to build a dominant up and exaggerate how much more important they are than the average person.  This falls within the realm of compliments that are individualized to them and a bit of behaving as if people are not equal and it is important to treat our "betters" with respect and reverence.

Degradation falls on the other side.  It's sort of interesting because I think that mild forms of degradation happen quite frequently.  If a dominant says, "remember your place," it is a phrase meant to humble a sub and let them know that their words or actions are not consistent with their position.  It reminds a sub that their position is inferior and they do not carry the freedom to express themselves in the same way that ordinary people do.  I don't think people view, "remember your place" as degrading, but that is exactly what it is.  I know a number of subs that respond favorably with their submissive mental space to this phrase.

It is a fine edge to balance upon... the concept that "I am above you and you must obey me" and "you are below me and you must obey me" are actually different things.  It seems that people tend to use them interchangeably when the implications are mild.  It goes south for many as soon as the sub starts being called a worm or a maggot and some expulsion of bodily fluids displays the dominant's contempt (spit, urine, etc.).  Honestly, those stereotypes are such an extreme example that the actual message gets lost.

I don't think that it is bad or wrong for a dominant to consensually define a sub's status relative to the dominant or the sub's place in the pecking order.  I find it quite appealing actually and erotic.  However, the concept of deciding what a sub is worth and how much value they have is incredibly degrading.  Does that make it bad?  Not inherently.  There are plenty of ways that this can lead to an enjoyable and rewarding dynamic.  I think too often the term gets equated with abuse and/or philosophical ideals that clash with the concept.

My Needs vs. Desires

If you view BDSM as a part of your sexuality it becomes a bit blurry to try and evaluate what is a need and what is a desire.  As my mind drifts deeper into submission over the years, I find myself seeing fewer things as needs and more things as desires.  I also find myself feeling more guilty about wanting my desires to happen but more certain about wanting my needs to be met.

My needs have become fairly simple:

1. I need to know that I am loved.
2. I need to feel my submission respond to dominance

I don't consider this to be a very tall order.  I have to believe that a Domme I am with will feel okay with making sure these needs are met.

Just about everything else I now view as a desire.  Desires are optional, but it is nice if they happen.  That being said, they do not NEED to happen.  My sexual pleasure falls into this category.  My dignity falls into this category.  My leisure time falls into this category.  My freedom and independence also fall into the land of desires.

In most D/s relationships, I wouldn't have to worry too much about these desires being met.  Most of them would probably happen a lot of the time.  This is healthy.  This is the way relationships "should" be.  At the same time I feel a bit guilty for "wanting things" that do not directly benefit a dominant in some way.  I feel guilty for wanting anything beyond being pleasing to her and my own needs. 

I scare myself because I find myself drifting deep into the "what if?" realm.  What if my desires became truly optional?  It isn't that hard to envision a sadist wishing to deprive me of my desires and using it as domspace fuel.  Even if the specific topic in question does nothing for her, the act of depriving a sub of what they want may do something. It isn't too hard to picture this.  I can see a dynamic where the pleasure of serving her and having my needs met become my "rewards."  What if she deems the pleasure she receives from denying me more meaningful than anything that could be "gained" out of granting me my desires?

The prospect of this drives my submissive mental space absolutely berserk.  This is when I start to wonder why my penis has shit for brains.  At the same time I wonder, "what if?"  Would this make me miserable in reality or would the depth of subspace overwhelm me and help me thrive?

The "what if?" tugs at me... and makes me wonder if I am stupid to even think about this or if there is a chance that I would end up with this sort of sadist at some point.   In any case, I can't help but be scared at how far my brain goes down the rabbit hole.

Evolving Views

I was thinking a bit about how my D/s views have changed since I started blogging back in 2010.  One of the biggest changes I can trace back to 2016, when Lady Grey recommended that I write in a more personal voice.  Before that, the majority of my writing had been of a more detached nature:  educational, informative, conceptual, comparative, etc.

I kept a lot of feelings bottled up as I hadn't really healed up from a lot of the pain of losing K until I wrote my Reflections sets of posts and faced a lot of my trauma and sadness head on.  You might say that was the first time I really had the courage to expose myself openly on my blog.  Since then, I have had very little trouble sharing openly and I have to say that it significantly changed the tone of my posts.

I no longer sound like I'm trying to sell something.

Another factor is that when writing from a more personalized viewpoint is that it's easier for me to call myself out on my own bullshit.  Many of my views have shifted to be more practical and real in that way, with less posturing, less idealism, etc.

One of the scary things is that my personal desires and ideals keep on evolving.

It's interesting how they have evolved beyond what I would recommend for others. I may talk about that more today.

Chastity Ramblings November Edition

As I was doing some Christmas shopping on Amazon and signed back up for Prime, I decided to buy a Holy Trainer V2 knock-off that included all 4 ring sizes.  My experiences this past year with a Holy Trainer V2 as well as the metal devices I purchased since then have taught me even more about my anatomy.  Also, I know that with $23 invested, I really won’t worry too much about making modifications if I deem that I can’t get it to fit.  I also was happy to be able to try all of the rings to know for sure and not have to spend $50-60 each.

I have learned that I am larger than I thought I was.  My previous experience was with the Holy Trainer V2 short tube, which is smaller in both diameter and length.  When wearing a “trapped ball” chastity device and attempt an erection, every part of your penis that is not inside the cage will in fact get erect.  While the short cage’s length was probably a better match to my flaccid state, I was finding that I was getting “bottle-necked” where the base of my flesh met the tube.  While the tube diameter is only slightly larger with the standard cage, it reduced the discomfort by quite a bit.

What I am getting afraid of is the same problem I am having with the steel devices I bought as well as the CB-6000:  The largest ring is slightly too big, the next biggest is slightly too small.

Moving up to the 50mm ring size on the HT V2 pretty much eliminated the discomfort caused by the back end of the tube digging into my flesh.  After wearing it for about 5 hours and needing to make a trip to the grocery store, I decided to continue wearing it.  This was a terrible idea.  At some point a nut “wedged” in between the cage and ring and every step I took made me want to scream.  The problem is that I couldn’t find something and I ended up having to lap the store twice.  Quick pocket attempts to discreetly adjust it proved worthless.  By the time I was done I was dripping with sweat from the pain and feeling like I was going to throw up.

I have had this happen with other devices and it seems like I used enough lube to get movement but not enough lube to allow it to freely readjust itself.  I will have to keep experimenting with this as reaching down my pants and tugging my balls isn’t something I can do in a public setting.  Worst case, I may have to go with the 45mm ring and file down a 1/4″ of plastic at the back of the tube.