Reflections part 4e: Chastity and Orgasm Denial

For the most part, I was able to roll with pretty much anything that F could throw at me.  As her hunger for increased dominance grew, F became very interested in chastity, orgasm denial, ruined orgasms, and milking.  Her take on it seemed a bit different than most chastity enthusiasts.  F was slightly interested in the control aspects, especially since she began to feel that all males should be controlled in such a manner or they will only get themselves in trouble.  This view meshed with who she was.

Her deeper interest revolved around removing any and all forms of sexual pleasure from a sub.
-Only the Domme deserves that type of pleasure, so the sub should be content if her needs are met.
-If the Domme gets another type of pleasure from denying her sub any form of sexual pleasure, and since her pleasure is the only one that matters, the sub should gladly sacrifice his pleasure in favor of hers.

F was starting to get a bit terrifying, but I continued to encourage her since I wanted her to keep growing as a Domme.  I was very resistant to the idea of losing sexual pleasure, but it always made her happy to take something by force and watch the look on my face as it happened.  Our journey down this path are the only times where I was unable to endure, but not for reasons other than the obvious ones.

I know that F was doing a lot of research on these topics both on the internet and by reaching out to local Femdom couples she knew that practiced it regularly.  She would often share her findings with me and I could tell when something got her juices flowing.  I was instructed to learn as much as I could as well.  F wasn't really interested in KTB's, thankfully, heavily because of the chance for serious injury but also because if a sub could learn to control his erections, that's one less thing for her to take away.

Short term chastity is something I had no problem with the concept of.  I thought it was hot and the fantasy turned me on to have Mistress literally holding the key to my sexual release.  F was on another level completely.

"I read something that I liked.  Most employees get 2 weeks of vacation a year.  Since it's a sub's job to please his Mistress and since following an orgasm a sub loses focus for about a week, doesn't that mean a sub only deserves 2 orgasms a year?"

"A male orgasm is like Santa Claus."
"If you're good he brings you whatever you want?"
"Hah, good one. He comes once a year if you've been nice and gives you a lump of coal if you've been naughty.  Have you been naughty or nice, slave?"

I received an email with a link that we would talk about later.  It was to Mistress Lori's Chastity Tubes.
"Apparently the only really secure tube type chastity device is to have a piercing."  I cringed.
"Really?" I feigned ignorance.
"Yes. These ones even have a break-off screw option where you can fill the hole with epoxy and the screws break off inside so they can't ever be removed.  Isn't that great?" 
"I don't know if I'd say, 'great.'"

Since F didn't have any experience with chastity, we decided to start small.  I purchased a Houdini style device at first since I thought it would entertain F to use it in conjunction with the real fur handcuff covers we had. 

Now for the TMI part of the post that is important for this segment:
1. I'm not circumcised.  I would have to get circumcised to get most of the piercings used in chastity.  This also requires more frequent device removal for cleaning and carries an increased risk of edema.
2. I'm a grower, not a shower.  Shower penises stay relatively the same size flaccid vs. erect, but they get hard.  Grower penises are small when flaccid and increase in both size and stiffness when erect, usually in the magnitude of 2-3x.  Mine is probably in the realm of 3-4x. 
3.  I have a "high and tight" scrotum, rendering almost every tube style device a poor fit.
4.  I have some baby fat on my upper crotch that just never went away.  It basically gives a small pad between the surface layer of flesh and the true base of my penis.
5.  My pubes grow at an angle. Keeping a cleanly shaved crotch inevitably leads to regular infected ingrown hairs.  If you are wondering why this matter, just try putting on the majority of sub-$500 devices with medium to long pubes and you'll understand immediately after the hinges and joints have yanked out a dozen hairs or so.  Having to stay cleanly shaven for a device and battling infected ingrown hairs was indeed a problem.

The Houdini was not a good choice as a first device.  It weighed a ton.  It was easy to pinch skin in the moving parts.  It would cut off circulation when closed as tight as it had to be to stay on.  The maximum amount of time I could wear it before I got some "there's something really wrong here" pain was about 20 minutes.  That was the first of many expensive mistakes in regards to chastity.

Next up was the CB-2000.  F had me order the pink one.  This model had the solid ring design.  If I went with a large ring, my scrotum wouldn't stretch far enough to avoid being pinched.  If I went with a small ring, it would take me 10 minutes just to get my junk through it and it was too snug.  We tried just about every combination of ring size, spacers, etc.  The end result was not great.  With a small ring and short spacer the friction would cause sores and pinching, even with lube involved.  With a longer spacer it would work fine until a testicle would decide to pull itself through... VERY painfully.  With a large ring and short spacer, it would crush a testicle.  With the longer spacer, it again would be fine until a testicle would pull through.  Our limit with this was approximately 2-4 hours depending upon the ring combo, number of arousal attempts, and the temperature. 

Shortly after, the CB-3000 was available as a "cage only" option and we gave that a try.  The base of the cage was a lot smaller, so it might work.  We used it with the existing rings from the 2000.  With this I could go 4-6 hours but then the cage would either rub open a sore at its base or a testicle would pull out.  I ordered up the hinged rings that were standard on the 3000 and while it was a lot easier to get on, the exact same thing happened. 

Thankfully, F was present when just about all of the failings happened, so she knew there wasn't any exaggeration on my part.  One of the testicle pull-throughs happened while she was playing with it.  She also saw the sores when she removed it once after I wore it on a 3 hours shopping trip.  Unfortunately my ability to endure this just wasn't there.

This got her thinking about a full metal belt, but after spending nearly $500 on devices, it was a large leap of faith to drop $1000ish on something. 

While all of this was happening she was aware that I would need to be milked for prostate health.  Since having anything in my anus was on my list of hard limits, she scoured resources for other means.  I found a method for a combination ruined orgasm/milking that expelled the prostate but didn't relieve any sexual frustration that was relatively simple.  With her permission I tested it twice daily for a week.  It was actually kind of amazing.  After 3 days of a repeated tease and denial procedure I was able to get semen to just leak out with a soft flow (like a weak urine stream).  I would drain everything and deflate my testicles but I would stay completely erect and just as frustrated.  This may have been the magic answer.

On day 5 I was going to give it another test.  As I worked my way up, all of a sudden my penis just started draining semen.  There was no build up, no "I'm close" feeling, I couldn't even control the stream.  It was like someone peeing with no bladder control.  The muscles had forgotten how to build up tension and release.  This scared the shit out of me.  I shared the results with F.
"Mistress, I think this method will make it so that I can never have another orgasm ever again.  Is that something you would want?"  My mind raced, "please say no, please say no, please say no."
"I don't think you should do it anymore then, slave.  If you can't have an orgasm, how is chastity supposed to scare you?  I will keep it in mind though, in case I ever feel you deserve that in the future."

Bullet dodged.  I received permission to try and "repair" what had been done.  I'm not 100% certain, but I believe the method I had been experimenting with had caused an over-stress of whatever controlled the release of semen from the prostate.  After repeating this several times over a short period of time, it responded by simply relaxing itself and allowed things to flow without requiring a pressure/force build up behind it.  It took me 5 days to get things working correctly again, and 20+ attempts to finally get back to something that would qualify as an orgasm. 

The next thing F tried was ice.  This would be the second time I couldn't meet her expectations.  I have a lot of muscle mass and the muscles are very tight. Couple that with a slew of injuries from sports, a car accident, etc. and my body just doesn't hold up very well.  Some of F's Domme friends used ice to yield a pleasureless ejaculation for their method of milking.  We tried this a few times, using ice to numb out the penis and testicles but continue to apply stimulation.  I was never able to ejaculate in this state, but I did manage to end up having back spasms, leg cramps, and other miscellaneous painful ailments that led to an immediate break in the play.

We didn't ever go further, around this time things started to get complicated. 

Reflections part 4d: Losing my Virginity

At this time I was still a virgin.  I had pretty much done anything imaginable with the exception of traditional intercourse.  After passing on dozens of potential one-night-stands throughout my youth and standing by the "waiting for marriage" thing it just hadn't happened yet.  The December trip I was supposed to have with K was meant to be our time to elope and then have sex but that didn't pan out.  My virginity was still a source of mild insecurity.  It seems it was now an unattractive quality in most cases.  After thinking about it for a bit I had come to remember that the reason I wanted to wait was so that I wasn't like the assholes I knew in high school and college who were chasing for tail non-stop, even if it meant getting someone drunk or high and taking advantage of them.  I wanted to be nothing like them, so I gave myself that principle to stand by.

It wasn't that I didn't want to have sex.  I just wanted it to be special, meaningful, and with a person I loved with all my heart.  Between K and F I decided to change that principle from "waiting for marriage" to "when it is special, meaningful, and with a person I love."

That year my birthday approached and it happened to fall on our regular meet up day.  My birthday generally falls on or near a holiday weekend and as my friends got older and married, I found myself pretty much alone most years as everyone else was out of town with their families.  This year ended up being rather special.  I took the day off work.  It had been about 5 months since that day in the park.

F arrived and we completed our normal rituals of foot kissing and collaring.  I also helped her into a pair of leather fingerless gloves with fur trim and a black fur headband. She had brought me a birthday card.  I had prepped everything beforehand and F chose what she wanted to use.  By now she knew all of what I had as well as where everything was located if she wanted something else.  she started off by chaining my ankles together, securing my hands behind my back, buckled on my gag, and had me prostrate myself in front of her with my forehead pressed to the floor.  She sat back and looked at me before she leaned back and placed her foot on the back of my head.
"Oh my little slave, what do we do with you," she said as she rhythmically pressed down with her foot.  "I think you need some birthday spankings.  Get up."

Attempting to stand from a kneeling position without the use of your hands and a 6 inch chain connecting your ankles isn't the easiest thing in the world to do.  I got onto one foot and attempted to shift to the other but the chain stopped me and I toppled to the floor.  F let out a small laugh.  I tried again with the same result.
"I told you to stand up, slave."

This time I tried something new.  From my knees I attempted to hop up to my feet.  I landed with my feet too far apart and crashed face first onto the floor.  F looked a little concerned for my well being but I just kept on trying.  I rolled around attempting to get back onto my knees.  When I finally did, I tried hopping up again and managed to get my feet together this time and stick the landing.
"Come here."
With tiny steps I shuffled towards her.  Her fingers stroked my penis until it was fully erect and she attached a leash to my collar.  She made a motion and positioned herself and I sprawled across her lap.  Her hand yanked my genitals downward and she pressed them tightly between her thighs.  She gave a tug on the leash pulling my head towards the floor and she held the end of the leash down with her foot.  With paddle now in hand, she spoke to me.
"It's your birthday but you deserve this.  You need this.  You love to suffer for me."
I felt the paddle slam against my left butt cheek.  Then the right check.  The left again but in a different spot followed by the right in a different spot.  I felt her hand caress me.  She zeroed in on the right cheek.  Smack, smack, smack.... Smack.  I could feel the swelling begin.  Smack, smack... Smack smack smack.  I let out a whimper from behind the gag.  She switched to the left.  Smack, smack, smack, smack, smack... Smack, followed by a caress.  Both sides were swollen now.

Two quick ones to the right.  Two quick ones to the left.  I felt her fingers touch the left and press on a specific spot.  She lifted them and brought down the paddle, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack.  I was starting to struggle a bit as the pain began to throb.  I felt her draw a small circle with the paddle before smack smack smack.... Smack, smack.  Tears filled my eyes and my whimpers turned into light sobs.  Her fingers pressed a spot on the right and smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack.  The paddle traced another circle and smack smack, smack.  Tears were flowing and I was wailing.  My body flailed.  She grabbed the chain between my wrists and pulled my hands farther up my back.
"Stop struggling, slave," she scowled.

By now my entire buttocks was throbbing and I thought my penis was going to be scorched by the heat from her crotch.  I was able to stop moving and just separate from the painful strokes that continued to rain down.  The bruises would take a couple of weeks to heal.

When F finished she undid my leash, gag, and wrist chain and instructed me to kneel.  I kissed her feet, prostrated myself with forehead to the floor and thanked her for watching over me.  I raised my head and she lifted my chin and gave me a deep kiss.  She handed me the keys to unlock the chain between my ankles.

"Put on your hat, earmuffs, and blindfold."  These had to go on in a particular order to make this work and I was familiar with it.  I kept the blindfold lowered so I could still see until I knew the time was right.  F led me over to the bed and I climbed on, lining up my wrist and ankle cuffs with the chains before pulling the blindfold up and waiting.  F locked the restraints in place and walked out of the room.

A short while later she climbed onto the bed and straddled me. I felt a condom slide onto my penis; this wasn't out of the ordinary, to prevent potential messes.  F adjusted herself and then slid down onto my cock.  My penis was enveloped in heat as she slowly moved herself up and down.  I let out a soft moan and F kissed me on the mouth.  I had readied myself for this moment for years.  Finally a chance to turn my philosophies into actions.  I focused all of my attention on F's body.  From what I perceived, the angles weren't right to hit the G-spot.  I tilted my hips forward under her, attempting to steer my penis more towards the front wall of her vagina.  When she came down this time I felt a muscle twitch.  F took a deeper breath and she let out a light moan.  I locked my hips into that position.

F's vaginal muscles began to grip harder.  She increased the pace of her motions and shifted her hands to my chest. As she slid down I raised my hips to meet her.  The penetration went deeper and she made a sound while pressing harder on my chest.  I was on the right track.  Up and down she went, I improved my timing with each motion until our bodies met with a thumping sound on contact.  The pace of her breathing increased.  I could feel the grip of her muscles clasping the head of my cock as she moved. She started to move faster, up and down with almost a bounce to it, each breath she took was deeper and deeper and her sounds began to increase in frequency and volume.  I could hear her exhale through her nose as she slowed for a forceful and deliberate plunge forcing me deeper inside her, again, again.  I felt the muscles of her sex quiver and twitch around me.  She let out a deep moan and I felt her juices flow out onto my crotch and torso.  Her pace slowed to a crawl but she kept moving in light bobs up and down.

I tried to match her force, guessing things were a bit tender down there at the moment and needed to be worked up slowly again.  I continued to raise and lower my hips, matching her motions so that we would meet for maximum penetration.  I made some slow gyrations but focused my aim on her G-spot each time our crotches met.  It didn't take long for her to increase the speed and range of her motions and I adjusted mine with her.  We repeated a similar cycle.  My hips tilted, rising and falling, opposite of her motions, meeting together, pressing deep.  I was reaching the point where I could tell exactly where her body wanted my cock's touch and I tried to meet that spot with every motion.

I felt her clamp down again and I thought her vaginal muscles were going to tear my penis off.  She slowed and again moved in a longer, more forceful manner.  This time when we met I curled my hips up a little more, trying to provide more pressure to the front wall deep inside her.  She let out a moan.  This time, I moved in unison with her, holding the tip of my dick to that spot.  On our down motion, an "oohhh" left her lips as my rear met the bed, pushing me even deeper as gravity helped her onto me.  I heard her next breath and one more motion.  As we met the bed my penis plunged the deepest it had gone, my hips leading it onto the G-spot.  I felt her vaginal muscles spasm and her thighs quivering against mine.  She moaned loudly.  I was soaked again.

Someone may read this and think I'm full of shit that those were the things on my mind as we had sex, but it is the complete truth.  My approach to sex was very clinical.  I had done research and reading upon the women's pleasure zones.  I was fully trained at holding back from cumming during very extended periods of intense stimulation.  I had plenty of practice locating things with my fingers and "data" to support those findings.  Lastly, I viewed sex as the means to grant a Domme intimacy and ultimate sexual pleasure... it was a privilege and I should respect that.  My goal was to make her cum as hard and as frequent as possible.

I also had a bit of a chip on my shoulder about being able to perform for real.  I didn't mention it earlier, but one of the things that the collarme Domme cited as another reason I wasn't a good match is that since I was a virgin, she was sure I wouldn't be able to meet her sexual needs since she had a heavy sexual appetite.  Another time, at a BDSM gathering a few of us were talking and somehow my virginity got brought up and a couple of local Dommes that had overheard started talking loudly nearby about how pathetic virgin boys were and it wasn't worth training them because they knew "better ways to spend 10 seconds." I had my insecurities but wanted to do everything I could to prove people wrong.

After F's second orgasm I tried something new.  I moved gently at the start and was firm at the G-spot.  The first time I felt her muscles quiver.  The second time I felt a spasm.  The third they grabbed on and F began to speed up again.  I was a bit more aggressive this time.  I raised my hips and met her at the top of her motion and held them in place.  Her down motion pressed against my stationary hips pushing my penis deep onto her G-spot. I thrust my hips higher, our crotches pressed together lifting her a few inches.  She moaned as the penetration went even deeper.  I stopped my motion, almost like I was "flinging" her upwards an extra inch, lowered and raised my hips and met her again as she came down.  Her muscles gripped even tighter and she gasped.  From there we moved in unison until my backside reached the bed and she slid onto me with tremendous force, "impaling" her G-spot with my cock.  F let out a primal sound.  Her vaginal muscles wanted to rip me apart and her insides felt like they were burning me. 

I repeated this sequence of motions about 6 more times and the last time we reached the bottom she let out a loud moan, grabbed my chest and her juices flowed as I felt the muscles spasm around me.  F slowed down her motions to recover.  I tried something new.  Following her recovery pacing but this time when I reached her G-spot, I used a firm abrupt motion and attempted to gently "bounce her" on her G with varying levels of pressure ranging from firm to hard and deep.  After 3 of these she came again.  The spasm was lighter, more of a quiver, but pronounced enough to feel along with the gush of her fluids.

I called this a "mini-gasm" since it was basically a small orgasm that happened within about 10 seconds of her previous large orgasm.  In hindsight, calling it an "aftershock" probably would have been funnier. I repeated the same process during this recovery and it only took two cycles, then two more before she leaned back on my hips and forced me to stop.  Later research found this to be referred to somewhere as a "chain orgasm," where a woman was capable of producing multiple orgasms in rapid sequence without any noticeable downtime.

F continued to move slowly until her breathing patterns returned to normal and we resumed a faster pace.  This time I went right back into the "impaling" technique and her hands gripped my sides and I could feel the intent of her crotch meeting mine.  Each time she plunged deep onto me when we reached the bed she let out a moan.  It took 6 of them and she let out another full orgasm, ejaculated on my torso, and she slowed to her recovery pace.  I tried something different this time, pressing our crotches together I moved with her and at the top of her motion, I tilted my hips towards me even more and pressed against her vagina's front wall.  The angle of my lower body made it so I was almost "hooking" her with my cock, alternating between pressing deeper and then pulling against her G.  This time around F's pace stayed the same but her motions met mine, increasing her force onto me during the upswing. The third motion and I felt her vaginal muscles release and quiver.  She slowed on the down motion and when we returned to the top she applied pressure again.  F let out a moan and another quiver, she stayed at the top this time and I bridged my hips to match her.  She relaxed lightly and then moved downward forcing me deeper and she moaned and spasm'd again.  A light pause, and then again, she let out a whimper and I felt her muscles shake wildly around me.

F then leaned back on my hips again, pressing them back to the bed.  She slowly gyrated on me and leaned forward and gave me a kiss.  We would resume to finish one more full orgasm and half a dozen mini-gasms before F slid off my penis and straddled my torso.  She removed my blindfold and braced her hands over my shoulders, staring down at me.  She was dripping with sweat, beaming, and had a wicked grin on her face. Her eyes pierced mine.  I felt like a piece of meat.
"I love you, slave," she said before plunging her tongue into my mouth.

She lay next to me on the bed for a few minutes.  We didn't speak, just just pressed up against me and traced motions on my chest with her fingers.  F then unlocked my restraints.  I tried to move and wow, the pain.  A quick glance at the clock revealed 2 hours had passed.  My shoulders felt like they had been ripped out of their sockets.  My back burned and spiked pain with every movement.  I could barely move my legs, my gluts and hamstrings were knotted up like iron and badly strained.  She asked what was wrong.  I replied, "I hurt all over."

After recovering enough to stand up, F led me to the bathroom where we completed my masturbate into the toilet routine.  She whispered that cumming was my reward for making her proud of me.  If I said it was a great orgasm I would be lying.  My body was throbbing in pain and my pipes were so backed up by now that it was more of a relief than a pleasure.  After I finished, F hugged me in silence for several minutes. 

In the aftermath, this is what started my obsession with chain orgasms and I wanted to master this technique.

To be continued.

A Long Overdue Cleanup

I just went through my blog reading list and purged all of the blogs that were gone (or gone and replaced by porn) as well as blogs that went private and didn't provide me any access to them.  I have to wonder if many of those were people who received the Google Censorship email and merely logged in and flipped it to private from there on out.  I left the majority of blogs that I had followed, even if they have been inactive for years as there is still some useful reading material buried around, and my follow list is now sorted by most recent updates (and yes, I'm a douche and followed my own blog).

I also found out that anonymous followers are no longer counting towards the follower count.  I know they had purged followers from non-google accounts but this was something I just realized as well.  I guess that's where 50% of my followers went :D

I also adjusted the width and layout slightly.  If you hate it or find the new width makes it difficult to read on your computer screen please let me know how you would like to see it improved and I can change it.

WTF Blogger and mobile support

I'm getting really irritated that I can't find a compatible mobile browser for tablet or phone that will function correctly for posting.  I've tried 6 of them that all fail in the same way:  when you reach a certain point the text box stops scrolling and you can no longer see what you are writing.  It's really frustrating when composing a post on a table with good momentum only to have it stop working.

Reflections part 4x: Understanding Her Better

This post is 4x since it covers this time period but doesn't really fall in with what I have been writing.  I guess you could think of it as a companion piece since I wasn't sure they would make it in elsewhere and they give a little more insight into her personality.

F and I would go shopping together a lot.  If there was something nice and reasonably priced I would usually buy it for whomever it was intended for.  When certain things would appear she would get giddy.  One day we were at a fairly upscale department store browsing the winter items when something blinding caught her eye.  It was this exact item:

F let out a squeal and grabbed it from the table.  It was always sort of amusing to see her like this since she would start talking to herself and make many funny noises.
"Oh my God, that is so bad.   Hah, that color!  I can't believe it."
There were only a few people around but most of them were now looking at her.  I remained about 10 feet away.
F turned towards a woman standing near her and started talking to her, eyes beaming.
"Isn't this just terrible?  I mean, it's so soft, feel it."  She held it out and the woman touched it.  F then began to touch the fur to her face and chin.
"Come here," she called to me and waved me over.  She leaned up close to me and whispered, "This would be just perfect for you."

In this store, the big support pillars were mirrors and they had mirrors on all 4 sides.  She took me over near one.
"Touch it, it's so soft."  I didn't reply.
"Touch it, or else..." I reached out and touched it.
"Here," she said as she put it on my head.  She then faced me towards the mirror and started moving the scarf into different positions.  I wasn't sure what was going to catch fire first, my eyes from looking at the color or the fur from being near my face.
"Your face and the fur are almost the same color, so cute."

That was the first time she had ever done something that blatant in public. I wasn't angry or anything, I was just surprised she went that far.  Apparently that hood was the most embarrassing thing she had seen to date and couldn't contain her excitement.

Another interesting quirk was when she would get angry or frustrated at a Domme's behavioral choice in a drawing, photograph, fiction story, porn, etc.  I used to send her pictures daily and one day I sent some from this series:

When we spoke on the phone next I asked her if she liked them.  Her response was heated and very animated.
"Why did she let him wear shoes?  It doesn't make any sense!  If that was my slave he'd be barefoot!  If he's going to suffer, then make him suffer! None of this naked but still in shoes crap!"

F did admit that she loved the pictures, she just wished the subs were barefoot. Although she never mentioned it specifically, I'm pretty sure she felt they should have been in leg irons as well to keep them from running away since the Domme's boots wouldn't be very practical to chase after them in :)

Reflections part 4c: Early Play

Switching gears a little bit from where I left off, the relationship between F and I had quite a few complications.  We would see each other about 8-10 times a month, but we only got alone time together about once a week. We would try to make the most of it and the days we were together were jam-packed.  F and I would talk and correspond regularly, but there wasn't a lot of together time.

I briefly spoke about F having put limits on herself.  For years her exploration of dominance had been limited to some mild bedroom play and the occasional whipping sessions with various consenting subs at BDSM gatherings. The events had a start and a finish and there were defined limits.  Often being one of the leaders of the events, she believed she couldn't make mistakes (e.g. going to far and really hurting someone).

When we first started meeting privately I realized I was going to have to nudge her forwards a little as well as prove that I could handle it.  On a day F was to arrive I woke up several hours early to get prepared.  I made some coffee and baked some bread and spent the rest of the time readying the room.  By this time I had accumulated quite a bit of BDSM gear as well as a few items specifically for this day.  I had some straps set up at the corners of the bed.  My collar and wrist and ankle cuffs were out on the table along with a ball gag, blindfold, a collection of locks and chains, and some spanking devices (paddle, slapper, etc.).

F arrived and we performed our collaring ritual.  I served her some coffee and bread and we talked for a few minutes.  Her eyes kept moving back and forth over the table.  I watched her and said, "I wanted to make this special for you."  After finishing her coffee, F asked me what I wanted to do.

I replied, "I want you to do whatever you want to do to me."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes.  Anything is fine."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"It's okay to hurt me."
"I don't know."
"What's the worst that can happen?  You hurt me, I heal, and we dial it back a touch next time?"
"Okay."

I stripped naked for F and put the cuffs on my ankles and wrists.  I handed her a lock and allowed her to lock the locking buckles.  I took the gag and blindfold in hand and some more chains and locks and moved over to the bed.  I had prepped each strap with an unclasped lock beforehand.  I took some small sections of chain and locked one to each strap.  At that point I handed 4 locks to F.  My last words were:  "I don't want a safe word.  This gag is to make sure of that.  Don't worry about me, focus on what will bring you the most pleasure.  I love you and I will suffer for you.  If you are afraid, just see if I am erect or not and you'll have your answer."

With that I put the gag in my mouth and secured it behind my head.  I lied down on the bed, lined up my ankle cuffs with their closest chains, puled the blindfold over my eyes, and placed my wrists as close to where I could remember the chains being.  F locked each cuff to the chains and when she was done, I gave a tug to test (and show her) the range of motion I had.  I was pretty much secured spread eagle.  I couldn't speak, I couldn't see.  My penis was erect and my breathing started to get heavy.

I could hear F slowly moving around the bed.  She made some small noises but nothing that resembled a word.  I felt her climb onto the bed next to me and straddle me.  She was still in her jeans but I could feel her heat pressed against my stomach.  Her fingers closed around my nipples.  First she rubbed them, then gave them some taps and they were soon as perky as my cock.  I felt her left hand begin to squeeze, harder and harder.  I bucked my hips in pain and she eased up her grip.  The nipple was no longer erect.  Her lips closed around it.  I could feel her teeth gently nibbling and her tongue teasing its tip.  She removed her mouth and blew on it several times.  The evaporating moisture made this feel very cold, and the nipple was erect again.  She gave it a flick with her fingernail and my whole body winced.  Her fingers closed around it again and applied firm pressure.

She released my right nipple and I felt her lips there.  Suction, tongue, I let out a muffled moan from under the gag... then teeth.  I squealed.  She removed her mouth and blew again.  It was freezing.   Tap, tap, tap and the nipple was erect again... F dug her nail in and twisted.  I squealed and bucked.  This continued for quite a while.  When she tired of it, I felt her change position on the bed.  I felt her fingers at the base of my cock head.  She started to slowly slide them up and down in small motions.  It stiffened more under her touch.  She added another finger to the grip and widened the motion a little, I took a deep breath and moaned.  F then grabbed on and made a fist around it and with a little tug my breath left me.

She finally spoke.  "If you dare to cum without permission I'll kill you."  Her tone sounded half serious, half joking.  

I felt her mouth on my penis.  Apparently F was highly skilled at this technique and in about 5 seconds I felt like I was going to burst.  I started to lift my hips a little when, SMACK, I felt her hand slap my thigh.  I stopped moving.  Smack, smack, smack... smack.  I tried to shift my body a little and SMACK on my other thigh.  F closed her fist around my penis, leaving the head exposed and went back to work with her tongue.  Every time I got close to cumming she could feel the muscle contractions in her hand and she would abruptly stop and squeeze.  If I moved at all I was met with several hard slaps to the thigh.  After a while she released her hand and put her mouth over my cock.  I felt her saliva on me.  She removed her mouth and blew.  The air was freezing and my cock began to shrivel a little.  She let out a laugh.

Her hand brought it back to full erection.  Mouth.  Blow.  Shrivel.  Giggle.  Stroke.  My head was starting to ache with this cycle.  The last time through she left it partially shriveled and I felt her get off the bed.  Some rustling followed from across the room where she left her purse.  F then went ninja and I couldn't hear her at all.  I felt something foreign touch my nipple and I screamed through the gag.  The pain was terrible.  F had brought some plastic clothes pins that had grooved teeth.  I started to writhe against the restraints and felt her slap me.  I was now making plenty of sounds that were audible but muffled by the gag.  I started to buck and she slapped me again.  My next sounds were a bit like weeping and she responded with a sharp laugh.

I felt a sharp pain on my other nipple and tried to cry out, thrashing about.  About 10 slaps got me to stop.  I could feel her pressing the clips in various directions.  The teeth dug into the tender skin and gave a constant, throbbing, horrible pain.  I was now whining and crying beneath the gag.  Tears soaked the inside of the blindfold.  I felt one release and sighed and she replaced it immediately but at a different spot. I shrieked.  She repeated this with the other nipple. 

F shifted and spread out next to me.  I could feel her breasts press up against me and her crotch hot and wet through her jeans on my thigh.  She let me thrash around a little bit in agony.
"Stop moving."   I stopped.

Her fingers tapped the side of my cock, which was now almost totally limp.  She smirked.

"Does it hurt?"  I made a sound and nodded my head.
"What was that? I couldn't hear you."  I nodded fiercely.
"Oh, poor baby.  I bet those hurt quite a bit."  I nodded, still whining/moaning under the gag.
"Well, they couldn't hurt too badly, or you would have said something by now, right?"
I began to sob.
"Poor, poor, baby.  slave."

She shifted again.  Her I felt her fingers pinch the skin on my scrotum, pulling some of it out.  The plastic teeth of another clothes pin touched it.  I started to wail and thrash around.
"STOP MOVING!"  SMACK.

I was now sobbing and I tilted my head back.  I felt the plastic teeth touch my scrotum again.  It was the bottom teeth.  I felt the top teeth and they stopped and lifted again.  Then the teeth again and they stopped and lifted.  F was closing the clips just enough to where the other side would touch before opening them again.  My penis was completely limp at this point.  I was twisting my feet and hands around against the restraints, it was the only struggling I could do without being slapped again.  This repeated a couple of more times before finally she allowed the teeth to close, I let out a choked gasp, and the clothes pin was removed after less than a second.

F again shifted on the bed.  I felt her remove the blindfold.  My eyes were red and swollen.  She undid the gag and I closed my eyes.
"Look at me," she said.
I felt her fingers around my chin and I opened my eyes.
Our eyes met.  She was straddling me again.  I felt completely vulnerable.  Her gaze was piercing, almost like it was on fire.

"I love you," I said in an exhausted and hoarse voice.
She leaned forward and kissed me, plunging her tongue into my mouth.  F's hand grabbed my hair and pulled my face into hers.  My eyes closed again.  I could feel her devouring me.  The kiss lasted an eternity.

Afterwards, F got up and unlocked the chains.  I could barely sit up, so I rolled to the edge of the bed and slid off.  When I tried to stand I stumbled back to one knee.  My entire body throbbed and I felt like I had run several miles.  I didn't know that being restrained in one position for 90 minutes would make me that stiff and sore.  I finally made it to my feet after recovering for a couple of minutes.

"slave, get your furs."
"Yes, Mistress."
I returned with an array of items.  F chose my punishment hat and pink fur earmuffs and collar.  I presented them to her and knelt in front of her.  She pulled the hat on, put the earmuffs on over the top of it, and secured the collar around my neck.  She then squeezed my nipples and instructed me to go into the bathroom.

"A slave's seed belongs in the toilet along with the rest of the waste.  Now stroke it."
My penis was still limp and a bit sore.  My testicles were aching and were so bloated that it looked like they had been replaced by purple tennis balls.  I started to rub it.  F reached around me from behind and took one nipple in each hand and began to pinch and twist them.  She put her chin on my shoulder and watched me. 
"Come on sissy, you know you're so pathetic you can only get hard when dressed like this."
I got hard again and my cheeks burned red.
"Hah, see, sissy?  You know you like it.  These earmuffs are so silly looking!  And that hat is so cute on you."  F moved one hand and tapped on the fur pom pom on the hat.
"Keep stroking it, I've never seen what it's like for a sissy slave to cum."
I let out a small whimper.
"Aww, what's the matter?  Is sissy embarrassed?  Should a slave be too embarrassed to follow his Mistresses' orders?"
I whimpered again.
"Answer me," she said as she pinched hard on my nipples.
"No, Mistress."
"Good.  Know your place, slave."
"I'm getting close, Mistress."  F was breathing heavily and I could feel her hot breath on my shoulder.  I kept stroking.
"Mistress, may I cum please?"
"Not yet, sissy.  Think about how lucky you are to have a Mistress that dresses you in furs and even permits you to cum."
"Thank you, Mistress," I gasped, trying to hold it back.
"May I cum please, Mistress?"
"Yes, cum!"
"Thank you, Mistress."
 
I let out a moan and violently ejaculated into the toilet across 7 bursts.  I felt like I was going to collapse.  I was completely spent. 

"I love you, Mistress," I whispered.
"Look at me, slave."

Our eyes met.  She was tearing up.  She grabbed my head and pried my lips apart with her tongue, followed by an intense open mouth kiss.  When we separated she was crying.  F threw her arms around me and pressed her face to my chest.
"Thank you," she said.

I put my arms around her and she cried into my chest for several minutes.

The next day we chatted about the events through messenger.  I let her know that while I was sore, everything had been okay and not to worry about it.  This gave her some comfort and from then on, she was able to let go and do what she wanted.

As a side note, it took a good long while for my nipples to toughen up and eventually they got really dry and cracked.  During one of our sessions they were too damaged to do much with so F put some lotion on them because she wanted to play with them anyways.  Apparently Lubriderm must taste really bad because after sucking on one of them I heard "eeechh" with a little cough and some spitting.  I let out a laugh.  That was the day I learned what it felt like to have clothes pins on the nipples, and 5 more clothes pins on the skin around each nipple.  

To be continued.

Reflections part 4b: Dominance and an Assignment

F and K had very different dominant natures.  While certain actions may have been similar, the root cause of and motivation for said actions were different.  K's style was more sexual and playful.  F's style was much much darker. 

F was a sadist.  Even before she accepted me as her sub I could tell her desires ran deep and into a realm that was a bit scary to me at the time.  I had read about it, but never experienced it first hand.  F had 30+ years of fantasizing under her belt and a good number of years being able to act out some of those in controlled environments (play parties, Domme gatherings, etc.), but she had imposed a limiter on her nature that seemed to dictate what she felt was realistic or not (although she remained unfettered in her dreams). 

When you interact with Dommes (or subs), you tend to get a feeling for their D/s interests and the relative strength of those desires.  Themes will often form and you can begin to perceive whether something is a singular fetish or symbolic of a bigger picture.  e.g. one person might have a fetish for branding, while another might get off from "symbols of ownership" and therefore, also gets off on branding.  F's primary interest was cruelty.  If I had to display it graphically, I would guess it would look something like this:

F wanted to know about all of my desires and fantasies.  I was able to share and explain them much more easily than I was before, but I did wait to reveal the fur situation until a bit later.  When I did get around to the latter, F had mentioned having some tactile experiences in her youth, but nothing recent.  She wanted to explore it since the knew it was an interest of mine so she went to the store and tried some things and loved how it felt (in addition to the historical connections it had to royalty/power).  That was all the convincing I really needed to do on that front.

F wanted to know everything about what I had done with K.  I told her about everything: the play, the assignments, the dynamics, etc.  I could tell she was taking mental notes.  When dealing in D/s it was easy to read F.  If she liked it she would giggle or laugh, if she opposed something she would scoff, and if something inspired an idea in her that she had never thought of before, she would let out a sound something along the lines of "oh...." and have a big grin on her face.

F continued a lot of things that K had begun.  I was to address her as Mistress.  I was to keep a journal.  She wanted me to send her an additional writing, drawing, picture, or reading material each day.  She added a few rituals.  When she arrived I was to be kneeling at the door, help her out of her shoes and help her into her slippers, and kiss her feet.  After she was seated I would kneel and present a collar and my neck for her to place it upon me, kissing her feet and thanking her when it was completed..  I was to kneel and kiss her feet every time I entered or exited the room she was in.  I was either standing or kneeling, sitting in a chair was a privilege that was above me.

While K had wanted to keep me in my subspace, F wanted to push me into slavespace and keep me there most of the time.  During our play she would explore ways to trigger my space as well as transition me through them.  F found uses for each state, subspace for when she wanted me to be able to act independently, such as preparing a meal or giving her a massage, and slavespace for just about everything else. We did find two ways to trigger my slavespace.  The first was what K had used, which was humiliating fur items.  The second took a bit more time involved a process of restraining me and then using a mix of corporal punishment, physical bullying, and verbal scolding/mocking until I would weep.  To explain it in detail, she would chain my hands behind my back, take me over her lap, pinch my genitals between her thighs and spank me with either a hand or an object while telling me how I deserved it and sometimes just being mean, e.g. "waaah, it hurts, oh boo hoo!"  If I struggled, she would press her thighs tighter or reach under her leg and grab my scrotum and give it a fierce tug. 

F also had a different approach to my feminization.  The worse it made me feel, the more it embarrassed me, the more I hated it, the better.  She didn't have a "thing" for forced fem, but she loved to use it to make me suffer emotionally.  She would reinforce this with her words, "Oh, look at the sissy in fur, you look absolutely terrible and ridiculous.  I don't know anyone who would want to dress like that, you should feel ashamed.  Although, you should be happy too because it amuses me." F took things to the next level as well.  She bought me a bra and panties, but soon found the bra, as uncomfortable as it was with the underwire digging in, wasn't very useful since it protected my nipples from her torture.  We went out shopping and bought a light pink turtleneck sweater (that was a size too small) in a material that was sure to be prickly and irritating, especially on the nipples.  This was added to the slave uniform and it would itch badly and rub my nipples raw after about 30 minutes.  I went bottomless or in panties after that, F felt anything else gave a slave too much privacy, and if it covered my penis/bulge it might be less embarrassing.

This changed when Victoria's Secret launched their sexy Santa collection that year:

It wasn't long enough to cover the majority of my buttocks or my genitals.  This was the first solo shopping assignment given to me by F, with the instructions, "make sure it fits."  I was given a week to get it.  I can't say I was excited... going to the mall during Christmas shopping season to buy something again.  I think by now I was getting accustomed to the high fever and profuse sweating during shopping trips.  F made sure to tease me enough every time we went out where that was unavoidable, however, being able to focus on her always made things easier.  I feared this would be about 10x worse than K's assignment.

After scouting from a distance, I assumed that pacing back and forth in front of VS while peeking into it was probably going to draw more attention than just going in, so I bit the bullet and took the plunge.  If I had to guess, there was probably about 50 women in the store. Not an exaggeration.  I was the only man.  So much for being inconspicuous.  Of course, I couldn't find the damn things.  After making a lap through the whole store I was finally approached by a salesgirl asking if she could help me find something.  I said yes, mentioned the item and said "my girlfriend found it online and wanted it" (it was actually easy to say this, since it was mostly the truth).  She knew what I was talking about but informed me they had received their first shipment, sold out on the first day, and expected more to be delivered on Wednesday, and probably out on the floor for sale by late afternoon.  She added that the first few shipments of them always sell out almost immediately and that someone else was looking for one earlier and after calling other stores, all of them within 30 miles had sold out as well.


I returned Wednesday.  What a difference a couple of days make.  The mall was so crowded you could barely walk without getting bumped into by someone.  I got to VS and the entire store was rearranged so that the checkout line could be snaked around with security ropes for the entire floor near the registers.  This meant all of the merchandise, which had been comfortably spaced out before, was now compressed into 2/3rds of the available floor space.  There were probably 90 women there today and again, not a single man, but jackpot, I could see where they were.  I sort of felt like a creep, standing in this tiny isle cramped near a corner and separated from them by 3 groups of young women shopping together.  I could see 4 of the skirt on the shelf while the herd slowly moved along.  The first group stopped, and checked them out, talked about them, and put them down, and moved on.

The second group arrived.  "Oh my God, I'm so going to get this. You should totally get one to wear for Todd on Christmas."  2 skirts left.  The next group moved to them and I could sense a backup of about 4 groups behind me.  "What do you think?" one asked, holding it up.  "It's kind of slutty isn't it?"  "I don't know, I think it's cute.  I'll get one if you get one."  "I'll think about it."  She put it down and they moved on.  Relief.  Like lightning, I quickly grabbed one and moved on to the back of the herd again.  About 10 minutes later I finally made it to the checkout line... with about 35 people in front of me.  Within 2 minutes, there was at least 15 people behind me as well.

Feeling awkward as hell, I decided to use the time-honored tradition of a fake cell phone call.  Pretending to make a call, I started having a relevant fake conversation.  "Hi.  They had one so I got it.  I'm waiting in line to checkout now.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Yeah.  Uh huh.  I work until 5 tomorrow.  That sounds good.  Uh huh.  Okay, I'll see you later."  That managed to kill 90 seconds and I had hoped at least projected the idea I was buying this for someone else. 56 minutes later it was my turn to check out.  "Make sure it fits" rang in my ears. A quick peek at the tag showed "One Size."  After declining to join the mailing list or applying for a VS credit card, I asked the clerk if she knew what waist size the skirt would fit since it was for my girlfriend.  She replied probably up to about a size 6.

"Do you know what that is in inches?" My face ignited into fire.
"I think maybe about 30 inches?" she said with great uncertainty.
"I guess we'll give it a try.  Can I get a gift receipt?"
"Sure, do you want the matching hat as well?"
"Umm... sure why not."

She asked another clerk to pull a hat.  I paid for them and got the hell out.  On the drive home I tried to remember the last time I had a 30 inch waist.  I arrived home and F was online.
"I got it."
"Does it fit?"
"Let me check."

I took off my pants and tried pulling it on and no.  I removed my boxers and tried again.  Still no.  I pulled it to the sticking point.  Shifted my body and gave a tug.  One side slid up an inch.  I tried to suck in that butt cheek.  It slid up another inch.  I twisted my torso the other direction and pulled.  That side went up an inch.  After several minutes I finally managed to get it on.  It was very tight and dug in, but it was on.  When I sat down in the chair to reply to F, I felt my bare ass on the chair.
"It fits... barely."
"Took you long enough."
"It was a struggle."
"Hah. Good. Does it cover you?"  I stood up and looked in the mirror.  The bottom of the skirt stopped about an inch above my genitals and the majority of my ass was exposed.
"No."
"Haha.  Wonderful.  Make sure you have it on when I get there."

To be continued.

Reflections part 2x: Additional Observations in Hindsight

I'm not sure if it's wise to take a break in the process right now but there are a few things that have really stood out to me that I don't think received proper weight within the original posts.  They don't really fit in wit the flow but are this I wanted to make note of.

K was really amazing.  While it was happening I remember struggling a lot with how certain things would happen.  If you look at things as normal mode, sub mode, and slave mode, there were times when the dynamic would abruptly shift and an entirely different set of expectations would appear without cue or warning.  I think as a submissive this was probably the most difficult obstacle in the relationship and I remember it feeling like "why is she doing this?  It's really messing me up in a bad way."

Looking back now, it makes perfect sense.  K had been a Domme say, 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 1 year... that is still pretty much a novice.  With what I know now, it usually takes years before a Domme is fully confident and capable of establishing a consistent and gratifying D/s dynamic in a relationship for extended periods of time.  While K's version wasn't perfect, it was light-years beyond what would normally be expected given her place on the learning curve.  While in the moment it may have been frustrating and in early hindsight it may have seemed confusing and wrong, looking back now I see just how amazing she really was.  The effort she put in and how much she must have loved me is abundantly clear now and I am forever appreciative of it.

Something else I noticed is that I actually chronicled a very important D/s event that will probably end up with its own blog entry.  While I realized it while I was writing it, there didn't really seem to be a good place to elaborate on it, but I can pinpoint the exact moments that K broke me.  These were very pivotal events over the course of my submissive development and caused a shift in the fundamental nature of my submission.  These were from 2d with the hat and 2e right before I came.  I there is only one other time in mt life when this has happened (it will be in part 5) but the internal process and how it changed me was pretty much the same.

Reflections part 4: Connection

Something just clicked with F.  If you have ever been absolutely certain you must have known someone in a past life... this was one of those cases.  If you think all that is bullshit, that's fine too, but there was something rather special growing between us.

The more we corresponded, the more we connected we felt.  F was very spiritual.  She had crafted her own fantasy landscape in her mind that she felt encompassed her spirit.  Somehow I was able to share this view with her.  One time she asked me what her animal personified her spirit and I immediately replied a raven, which was correct.  If we had a deeper connection, we both felt it must have been one between Queen and slave.  I won't go into detail too much but she had even asked me to draw her throne room as I envisioned it and it matched her drawing of it as well.

This is another one of those cases of multiple things developing simultaneously, so while it may appear they are a linear set of events, each separate topic was probably developing simultaneously.

I saw F every week at the local munch but she started inviting me out for coffee once a week in addition to our daily online chats and emails.  After a couple of weeks, F let me in on some truths that no one else in the group were aware of.  Her husband wasn't a submissive, he just pretended to be one in front of other people to keep them away from her.  He would occasionally participate in some play, but only if it was exactly his own personal fantasy.  While they had been married for 30+ years, she had gotten pregnant the first time they had sex when they were in their teens and were both disowned by their families and they had been together ever since.  She told me about a time she was raped by a coworker and how her husband blamed it all on her.  She felt like she was always holding parts of herself back and that she wasn't truly happy or fulfilled.

Deep down, F had an indomitable spirit.  It was primal, carnal, and vicious, but nurturing at the same time.  She was frightening, but in a good way.  She hadn't yet had an environment where she could spread her wings.

I told F about K.  I told her about about my home life growing up, about the recent experiences. I told her about my fears. She always knew what to say. I felt like she was trying to protect my soul.

I told her about the sissy slave part of me and how fucked up it made me feel.  As I sat there, blushing, her eyes gleamed a bit and she replied, "Good, only women should get to wear fur. a lowly slave shouldn't be in fur unless he's looking ridiculous to entertain his Mistress."

Things got extremely complicated very quickly.  Not only was F married, but she was over 25 years older than me.  I could tell she was struggling with this as well.  Over the course of several months we continued to grow closer and closer.  I felt a bit bad and guilty/conflicted for my part in the situation, but as a sub, I was angry that another man would keep her from becoming who she wanted to be.  You can feel free to think less of me for what I chose to do, but we felt it was the right choice for us at the time and there were consequences.

I did some serious soul searching.  Everything in my head was a mess as I was being pulled in so many directions inside.  My emotional needs vs. my fears vs. my principles, etc. were all in conflict with one another.  After the "she's married" aspect, the next biggest hurdle was the age gap.  I was able to rationalize this one fairly easily once I realized this:  I had jumped in with both feet with K knowing that we might only have a year or two together, even if F and I only had 10 years together, that's an eternity in comparison and if I had to decide for her to spend the next 10 years being unhappy or happy, I would choose for her to be happy.

That week, my car broke down.  The shop where I took it estimated 5 hours and was located in a suburb about a 5 minute drive from where F lived.  I took the day off work and called F, asking if she'd like to have lunch with me.  We ate lunch and talked and then took a walk to kill off the remaining time.  That suburb's downtown area had a public park and town square.  It was a bit busy with foot traffic, but there was enough privacy for us to sit together on a bench and talk about anything.  I told F how special she had become to me.  She responded that I had become special to her as well.  What I did next was purely on impulse.

I got off the bench and knelt on the ground in front of her.  I placed my forehead on F's leg, just above the knee.
"I want to be yours, to serve you and make you happy."
F remained silent for what felt like a long time for someone kneeling on the ground in a busy public city park (it may have only been about 10-15 seconds).  She placed her hand on my head and replied, "I accept your gift and you will be mine."

To be continued...

Reflections part 3: Transitions

I really didn't expect to bare all as I did.  I generally keep a lot of things private and in some cases, buried.  I will apologize in advance if this post is a bit messy, the last post took a lot out of me emotionally.

The way things went down I was never able to get any form of closure.  I never knew if there were other factors involved or if anything had been left out.  During that last couple of months we weren't getting along very well overall and we had started arguing a bit even thought that hadn't happened at all over the year leading up to that point.

From a D/s standpoint I never did figure out just where she was planning to go with things.  In hindsight I have a guess that K wanted me to create positive associations with fur, knowing that putting me into slavespace was the only way I would allow that to happen.  I would assume at some future time she would have wanted to connect those parts inside of me again with the outcome being that I liked to wear fur.

I am also a bit curious why she was extremely careful always use "sissy slave" like it was one word.  I think K referred to me as slave once or twice in total and she never once used "sissy" by itself even though we went through stretches where "sissy slave" was used 50+ times a day.

In the aftermath, I noticed a few changes in my subspace as well.  If I had to put a number on it, I would guess that 95% of my arousal happens in my head with the remaining 5% coming from outside stimului.  There was definitely a strong disconnect that had occurred between my levels of subspace.  It was terrifying to me to face it alone and distressing when I realized that my sbubmission and arousal became dominated by certain thoughts.  While it would still turn me on to fantasize about serving a woman, the fantasies that I had grown accustomed to drifting into my head (the ones I used to write for her) grew increasingly intense and were a far cry from who I was during the first couple of months.

God, even now I find myself dancing around it... to be blunt, the fur sissy slave along with teasing and humiliation became by far the strongest fetishes in my repertoire.  I didn't want them.  I hated them and wanted them to go away.  By now I had gone several months where every orgasm I had was centered around them, either from my fantasies or guided masturbation in front of the mirror with K. This realization horrified me.  I tried digging up information on the internet but didn't find anything of help.  What I discovered was that it seems the majority of the web perceived sissies in a fixed way:  all sissies are actually gay, all sissies want to completely dress as women, and that the majority of lifestyle Dommes want nothing to do with sissies (unless it was that Domme in particular that made them a sissy).

This was quite disheartening as my fetishes came from completely different roots.  It poked fun at my heterosexuality by making me effeminate.  I wasn't supposed to pass as a woman, I was supposed to look as ridiculous as possible.  I only knew one woman who would accept me like that and she was gone from my life.  

Following the events of 2f I was a shell of myself.  I took a dead end job in a field that interested me and worked a lot.  Enough to keep me busy, keep me from thinking about things.  I could barely get through the day.  I wanted to end my life.

During a particular stretch of feeling "not awful," I made the decision to try to rebound.  I didn't feel like the wounds left behind would ever heal unless I had hope, and hope required a future.  After deliberating about it for several hours, I created a collarme account and posted an ad.  It was written from my still somewhat novice point of view, taking into consideration the potential dangers of BDSM dating that K had warned me about early on in our relationship.  I kept the fur sissy slave part of me a secret, knowing I could function without and that it would be a giant red flag to advertise it.

I browsed every Domme profile in the 200 mile radius.  I found two that I felt like would be a potential match and one maybe.  I contacted the first one in a formal and respectful way.  Four days later with no response but with several logins by them, I contacted the second Domme in a similar manner.  Four days went by with no response and repeated logins.  I contacted the maybe.  She wrote me back the next day and we messaged back and forth a bit and seemed to hit it off a little. This lead to some phone conversations and I was able to make her laugh quite a bit, which I always deem to be a good sign.

She lived about 150 miles away but due to her home situation she was only free every other weekend and a few times on weekdays.  She asked me to come out the following Saturday.  I bought some roses took her out to eat.  We talked a lot mostly in a conversational and getting to know you manner and had a very good time before returning to her house where we relaxed, talked more, and she allowed me to give her a back rub and a foot rub.  This gave me a full on erection and I was extremely happy about having furless, sissyless erection.  She noticed, playfully poking the front of my pants.  At this point we started talking about more kink-related interests.  I told her about my general interests, mostly covering what I had done when we started.  She talked about her interests as well.

Unfortunately our primary interests didn't overlap very well, but I was willing to give things a go.  I had brought some BDSM toys with me in the car and she asked to see them.  We spent the next bit screwing around with restraints and the like.  Her #1 fetish was puppy play.  I was willing except for a hangup.  One of my hard limits is that I wouldn't let anything up my butt and she was only interested in doing it if an anal plug tail was involved.  We ended up talking until 2am or so, when she asked if I wanted to spend the night.  I specifically hadn't brought a change of clothes or a tooth brush since I didn't want to seem presumptuous (it felt kind of sleazy to do so when I went over it in my head before going there) and said I should probably go home that night.  I thanked her for the lovely evening, kissed her hand, and left.

I got home around 4am and immediately went to sleep.  She called me around noon the next day, asking me if I'd like to come out again that day.  I agreed and we chose a time that would work for dinner again.  This was very late in the spring but there had been a ton of snow that year and there was still snow on the ground.  I went to the closest upscale department store hoping they would still have some winter items around and I lucked out, finding a very nice dyed mink fur scarf that was her favorite color (purple) that was on clearance for 75% off.  I packed it in a gift bag and hit the road.  This time I was a little more prepared and brought some different things with me although I knew I wasn't going to be spending the night as I had to work in the morning..

As a surprise for what was supposed to be the new year's meeting with K, I had purchased a pair of Rex Rabbit massage mittens.

I had wanted to surprise her with a special full body rub down.  Since the trip never happened, I hadn't had a chance to use them yet.  And no, I never touched myself anywhere with them, I didn't feel deserving of it.  I brought these along with me that day.

I took her out to dinner and we had a good time laughing and joking.  I gave her the scarf as a gift at dinner.  She seemed to like the touch but wasn't all that interested in it, so I never pressed that avenue further (she didn't even wear it on the way home even though it was 15 degrees outside).  When we arrived I asked her if I could give her a special massage.  She took off her shirt and laid on her stomach on the couch.  I took out the massage mittens and proceeded to give her a back rub with them starting with the line "I won't stop until you tell me to."

It took about 3 minutes to realize she was pretty into it.  She was moaning and I could tell she was wet.  After about 15 minutes she began to grind her torso into the couch.  One of my feet was slightly under it and I realized the padding was shifting around and that you could "touch through the cushion."  While she was grinding I slid my foot under her crotch and gently started making a circular motion with my big toe.  By now she was VERY wet.  I just kept up the business and by the time she said to stop, 90 minutes had passed.  When she sat back up it was noticeable that her jeans and the couch were moist/damp.  She seemed pleased and we chatted a bit more before she asked if I could leave before 9:45pm, as that is when her kids were getting returned from their father's.  She told me that she should have insisted that I stay the previous night and let me lick her all night long.  Hearing that made me happy.

Over the next week we chatted a several times, with a plan for a meet up a week from the coming Thursday for the evening (I was taking a half-day of work) and the entire weekend after that.  I called her on Thursday as I was leaving work to ask her if she wanted me to bring anything and to give her an ETA.  She didn't answer.  I stopped by home and to check my email.  No word from her.  I logged into messenger and saw she was on.  I sent her a message and she immediately logged off.  I took that as a sign and didn't drive out there.  I did send her an email and a message on collarme asking about the weekend.  No response and she didn't answer my call either.

The following Tuesday I received a rather unpleasant email where she managed to point out everything she didn't like about me.  I was too short.  She felt I was looking for a relationship and she just wanted a player partner, but she couldn't accept a play partner who wouldn't wear an anal plug tail.  I wasn't experienced enough.  Apparently while I was massaging her the thing I did with my toe "annoyed the fuck" out of her, but she never mentioned anything while it was happening.  She called me needy and desperate for calling her twice and sending her an email over the weekend we were supposed to be together and I should have been able to get the hint.  I responded with "I'm sorry you feel that way, take care," and left it at that.  This pretty much crushed my spirits and I stopped browsing the collarme ads.

About a month later I received a message on collarme.  It was from a local switch who said she loved my ad and really wanted to get to know me.  We arranged a meet up and spent a day together.  Mostly she just asked me to drive her around all over the metro so she could pick up her check, drop it at the bank, pick up something from her parent's house, etc.  I didn't really mind but it was pretty clear we weren't a very good fit.  At the end of the day she introduced me to her roommate (C), who was a submissive.  We ended up talking quite a bit and got along pretty well.  I told C about my situations and she asked if she could continue my training.  Deep down I knew we weren't a very good fit but I was feeling so down that I was willing to give anything a try.  For a few weeks we played a bit, with her doing the best she could at being a Domme without ever having been one before.  C tried really hard and I really respected her for that, but the dynamic just wasn't the same.  It did, however, stave off loneliness and we both had some fun.

Neither C nor the original girl had a car, so they asked me to drive them to a munch. I reluctantly agreed even though I was still very hesitant about doing anything in the public eye.  I had also been very very very withdrawn and shy as of late.  The munch was in the private room of a local restaurant where the waiter was in the lifestyle.  The leader of the group was a rather well-known and powerful local Domme, who I'll call F.  Since I was an outsider, she had us sit next to F and her sub husband.  We hit it off very well and I was pulled out of my shell a bit.  Lots of laughs and joking around.  On the way home C couldn't stop gushing about how amazing F was with her demeanor and skills with whips, crops, canes, etc.

The next week I gave another ride to the munch.  This time, F had saved a seat for us next to her.  I really enjoyed talking to her. We exchanged email and messenger info and she invited F and I over to their place for dinner and swimming that weekend.  We went there and it became clear that F and I had some form of connection.  This was really kind of awkward for me but I really enjoyed the company.  After that evening, F began to regularly email me and we would chat on messenger from time to time.

To be continued in part 4

Reflections part 2f: The Painful Ending

Part 2e pretty much spelled the end of the "golden age" of our relationship which leads me to the beginning of the end.

That December I graduated from college finally with nearly double the amount of credits needed to get a degree.  K and I had plans for me to drive out after Christmas and spend a couple of weeks at her home.  We were both very excited.

Things continued on from where we left off in 2e but with a few slight twists.  K decided she wanted all of my orgasms to happen in sissy slave mode, while dressed and facing the mirror.  This was a bit of a surprise to me but I went along with it without resistance.  I realized she was firmly set on wanting me to be able to wear and appreciate fur normally.  She continued giving me writing and reading assignments and I added a few sissy slave fantasy stories for her.  It still made me feel fucked up inside, but it seems the original block was broken.

K began to tease more and more about dressing, public outings, and the like.  I'm not sure if she was doing it for her (since she seemed to genuinely enjoy it) or if it was part of her plan for me.  It could have been a little bit of both.  I realize now that what happened actually created a great divide within me as a sub.  I had my normal submissive self that took pride as being a good lover and companion, and I had the sissy slave self that was ashamed to even exist but could persevere out of his love for K.
She told me she was going to get me an outfit with ruffle-butt panties and a maid's outfit with all the fur trimmings, complete with locking buckles.  It would be pink "of course."  A few days before Christmas K let me know that we would have to cancel my trip due to some "things that were going on." I pressed a little bit and it seems there were complications going on with the divorce and her family.  We continued as we had but this was going to be a fairly long break without any in-person contact.

K continued to keep me busy.  She had some ruffle-butt panties and girlie socks shipped to me and gave me another shopping assignment.  K wanted me to get another "full set," but this time in real fur, they had to match the panties, and instead of just anything they had to be the most embarrassing items possible.  Part of my daily assignments was to find pictures of items online for the slave outfit that would "please her," but she wanted me to get some of the items locally.  To make sure they matched, K ordered me to bring the panties with me in my pocket. Before I could state any disapproval she said if I didn't, I'd be wearing the socks while shopping instead.

This assignment was a bit bigger of a struggle since there's 294802849320 shades of pink and the number of local retailers that carried real fur were few and far between.  It was also significantly more embarrassing.  I ended up getting pretty lucky as I was able to find some pieces at a discount store, though I had to go a bit "modular."  Christmas shopping was over by now and everything was a lot less hectic.  I ended up with pink gloves with fur cuffs purchased separately, giant fur earmuffs, a headband that would double as a collar, and a scarf.  I didn't manage to find a hat that matched perfectly but K let me use my punishment hat instead with 10 additional marks.

The first time we did our phone masturbation game K had at least 5 orgasms before she let me have mine.  Doing this with real fur and it being pink made me feel even more fucked up but the orgasms were increasingly intense as she went farther and farther with her verbal teasing.  Our next meeting was planned for late January.  Sometime in mid-January she went dark for a couple of days.  Over the past year we hadn't gone for more than 12 hours without contact and this was three and a half days before I heard from her.  No assignments, no contact at all.

When she resurfaced she let me know we would have to cancel our next meet up.  I asked her about it and she said that the custody battle was going to court and that would have her occupied for a few weeks.  We didn't plan a date for our next meet up but things at least returned mostly to normal with contact, assignments, and the like.  February arrived and she still couldn't commit to plans.

I was starting to get a bit scared.  I had finally graduated.  I had a good job offer on the other side of the country.  My lease was running out on my apartment.  My family was giving me shit about not already having a job or internship lined up.  The stress began to mount.  I know that K wasn't giving me full explanations.  In mid-February she went dark again for two days.  She returned with some news.  At a visit to the doctor they found a new tumor.  I immediately broke down and cried.

We still talked daily but there were no more assignments.  K had fallen into depression and started to let herself go.  I told her I would drop everything and move there now.  She told me not to.  I begged her.  She told me she wouldn't see me if I did.  She refused to talk about future plans.  I started throwing up about 6 times a day.  I could barely eat, I could barely sleep.  I asked her what she wanted me to do.  She told me to take the job and renew my apartment lease.  I told her I wanted to be with her.  She told me no.  It hurt so much.  I was supposed to be there for her, with her, loving her until the end no matter what.

Her long awaited surgery was set for August. We had always planned for me to be there with her... the last one she saw before going in, the first one she saw coming out.   The new tumor changed everything.  K began to get her personal things in order.  It was clear to me that she had given up and was planning on dying.  I felt horribly helpless, unable to be there for her, unable to comfort her.  I was being selfish, thrashing around in the remains of my broken dreams.

K lost at least 35 lbs in the next 5 weeks due to not eating.  She was like a skeleton.  I begged her every day to let me be with her.  The closest I got to a response was when she told me if she survived the surgery she would come back to me.  I cried when she told me this since I knew that with how she was going, she wasn't going to survive the surgery.  The doctors told her they wanted her to be at least 130 lbs. to be strong enough to survive and recover.  When I met her she was 105.  When she was with me she got up to 125+.  By this time I was guessing she was 90 lbs. or less.

I spent a good portion of each day in tears or throwing up.  My stomach was ruining itself and I had a lot of internal bleeding going on.  I passed on the job offer.  I negotiated a month to month arrangement on my apartment.  I had a bag packed ready to leave at a moment's notice.  K started going dark for days at a time fairly regularly now.  During a stretch in late March I steeled my resolve to make another last ditch effort.  When we finally got in contact again, she was almost like a stranger.  The warmth and love was nowhere in her voice.

"K, marry me.  I will be with you through anything.  I will be there for you through anything.  I will be by your side and love you with everything I have.  I will keep loving you no matter what.  I will be there for you, no matter what, even if that means that I have to watch you die."

I don't remember her voice, just the words, "I'm sorry, but I've made up my mind.  If I'm alive in October I'll come to you."

I immediately threw up a large pool of blood on the floor and collapsed, sobbing.  She stayed on the line, in silence as I cried and wailed for 10 minutes.  When I finally stopped, drained of energy and hope, I said a phrase I have come to regret and hate myself for ever since.

"I don't know if I can promise my love to you." She hung up.

That was the last we ever spoke.  She never again replied to any emails or answered any of my calls.  I tried her parents, people she knew, they all just told me to stop calling and ended up blocking my calls.  I wanted to apologize for what I said.  That I was too weak in the moment, spoke without thinking, and I betrayed the both of us.  I kept it up for several months but got no response at all.  To this day I do not know for sure if she survived the surgery.

This was the most painful experience of my life.  Writing this reminded me of that.  In some ways, I don't think I ever fully recovered from it.

To be continued in part 3.

Reflections part 2e: slavespace and Feminization

I realized that K must have been doing research ever since she got home.  That was how she seemed to approach new things in D/s.  She would read everything she could both informational writings as well as fetish and fantasy writings.  I was still unable to wrap my head around what was going on.

Later on I found a pic similar to this one in my mailbox:

It included a message saying "they're called ruffle-butt panties, aren't they cute?"

K refused to chat with me until I finished the assignment she had given me to find pictures of embarrassing fur items.

The list included the following (although the reasons are extremely abbreviated vs. what I wrote her originally.  These aren't the original pictures either):

1. Big fur earmuffs.  They just look super silly.

 


2. A fur muff.  You can't use your hands.  I included a link to the story I had found on the old ntcweb forums of On Parade in Fur

3. Fur pom pom hats.  They look silly.

 



4. Fur leg warmers.  Super girlie and funny looking.



5. Fur-trimmed mittens.  Warm but they limit hand use and coordination.  Very out of place on a man if they are frilly looking.

I sent off the list and included the pictures.  K didn't reply back to me until the following evening.  I was worried she was angry but she just wanted some time to digest things and investigate.  She informed me that earlier that day she had gone to the local fur and leather shop and really delved into what they had.

"How come none of the furs you like me to wear look like those?" she asked.
"They aren't sexy.  I think it's sexy when you look powerful."
"I tried some of those on today at the shop.  They aren't sexy.  I took some pictures if you want to see them."

I replied yes.  She sent the selfies that she had captioned.  She was making silly faces in most of them.  K had found a pair of huge fox fur earmuffs.  The first was labeled "Uber-Geek Chic."  Another said "I think these are bigger than my head..."  She informed me she wasn't able to take a picture of the mittens since she she couldn't hit the camera button with them on.  Also, they didn't have any hats that were "that bad" at the shop but she understood what I meant.  The leg warmers actually looked really good on her as they suited her figure well.  The picture was captioned "I guess these are sort of sexy..."

One of the funnier moments was to follow.  Mistress went on a 15 minute rant about fur muffs and her experience in the store.  She was quite animated as she recounted the story.
"I don't get it!!!"
The employee replied, "you put your hands in each end to keep you warm?"
"No, that part I get, I don't get who would use one of these instead of gloves."
"I don't really know," they replied.
"Like, what are you supposed to do with it when you don't have your hands inside of it?"
"This has a wrist strap and you hang it from your wrist?"

She hung it from her wrist and started to move her arm around.

"This thing is huge.  If I hung it from my wrist it would swing all over like a wrecking ball and knock everything over in sight if I wanted to move my arm."
"Well, you are supposed to use it in place of a purse," they replied.
"How?"
The employee showed her a pocket hidden in the fur.  She pressed her hand into the pocket.
"In place of a purse?  I couldn't even fit a tampon in there!"

At this point the employee started to laugh.
"I don't get it!!!"
K picked up another one and slid them up each forearm, extending her arms out making fake punching sounds.

We had a good laugh about it together.
"You know, I did think about getting one for you, that way I could take you out in public with your hands chained together and no one would know."
My face flushed a hot red and my penis went erect.  I didn't say anything.

She used this chance to tease me.
"Are you a sissy slave right now?"
"I don't feel right, Mistress."

Later that night K gave me an assignment to complete that week that I would have to do in order to get off of punishment.

"I feel weird, Mistress."
"You'll be fine."
"I don't feel okay, Mistress."
"Are you saying no to me?"

The assignment was a solo shopping trip.  K wanted me to go to a store and buy a "full set" of fur items for me to wear around the house.  It had to include at a minimum:  A hat, scarf, gloves, and earmuffs.  If there was any more items available she expected me to get those too.  She specifically mentioned mittens, a collar, headband, muff, and fur trimmed socks or leg warmers as optional but "highly encouraged" items.  She didn't care what color they were but she said they all had to match.  They could be real or faux fur.  I asked why she wanted me to get both gloves and mittens and she explained she wanted me to be able to type with gloves on but there were other times where she preferred mittens.  I was allowed to be on the phone with her at the store.

Christmas shopping season had started and all of the stores were pretty well packed but at the same time it made it look like I was shopping for a gifts for someone else.  As I drove to the store I felt my stomach gradually knotting up.  I pulled into the parking lot, found a spot, and called K.

"How do you feel?"
"I feel like I'm going to throw up."
"You'll be fine."
"I think my face is on fire, Mistress."
"You haven't even gone into the store yet and you're already embarrassed?"
"Yes, Mistress.  My cheeks, forehead, ears, they are all burning."
"You'll be fine."

Inside the store I headed for the women's accessories section.  K kept talking to me in full sentences but I kept my responses brief and without detail.

"Are there other people around you?"
"Yes."
"Are they all women?"
"Yes."
"How many are there?"
"Three."
"Are they looking at you?"
"No."
"Are you sweating?"
"Yes."
"I bet once you start touching things they will look at you."
I grunted in disapproval.
"You think they won't know but it's obvious these are for a sissy slave."
I didn't respond.
"Are you hard?"
"Yes."
"Are they looking at you?"
"One is."  I began to get even more agitated.

As I searched for items I learned a valuable lesson.  Where I live, winter accessories go up for sale mid to late September with the full line in early October.  It gets quite cold here as well.  Attempting to buy a "full set" that late in the year was not a good idea.  Everything was picked over rather hard and a complete set wasn't going to be possible there.  All items were present, but scattered across different colors.  By now I was dripping with sweat.

"They don't have it."
"Any of it? Or the full set?"
"Set."
"Are you going to get any of it?"
"No."
"Trying a different store?"
"Yes.  I have to go, is that okay?"
"Yes, call me when you get to the next store."

I got into my car and put my forehead on the steering wheel.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  I couldn't breathe and I wanted to vomit.  After about 10 minutes I started the car and drove to another store.  I called K.  Her teasing didn't bother me as much this time.  This store didn't have a matched set either and I learned another valuable lesson.

When it comes to fur items, women tend to go after the most simple/basic items or ones that they would deem "super cute" in a fashion sense.  Items that are "6 year old girl" cute or are halfway between simple and fashionably cute must not sell well because the stores were full of those.  Also, most women must favor neutral colors.  Black, Brown, Gray (anything that could qualify as unisex) were picked over.    Odd shades of purple, bright yellow, and neon pink were in abundance.  I was starting to feel overwhelmed.  I had barely made peace with trying to find the most simple black, brown, or gray items and getting the hell out ASAP.  At this point I resigned myself that this was going to embarrass me more than I had initially hoped.

The third day of shopping luck finally smiled upon me.  I found a store that had sold out of everything early in the season and had just gotten restocked on winter accessories.  By now I had grown almost accustomed to the 102 degree fever my face was burning up with and I grabbed a shopping basket.  The section was packed with people.  I began to sweat.  A quick visual scan and it looked like white would work.
"It's so noisy, there must be a ton of people around you," said K on the phone.
"Tons."
"Are they looking at you?"
"No."
"I wonder what they'd say if they knew a sissy slave was shopping for the same things as them?"
I didn't reply.
"Women are more intuitive than men, I'm sure at least a couple of them know."
I stayed silent.
"Are you hard?"
"Yes."
"You know, if you actually talked to me you would probably look less conspicuous."
"They have them."
"What do they have?"
"All of them."
"A full set?"
"Yes."
"What color?"
"White."

I had to speak loud over the hustle and bustle of Christmas shoppers.
I took a pair of fur-trimmed gloves off the rack and put them in the basket.  That's when I realized that speaking on the phone had the opposite effect.  A quick glance showed me that there were 5 women who were now watching me.  I felt like I was going to puke.

"They're looking at you now aren't they?"
"Yes."
"Are you still hard?"
"Yes."

Quickly stepping in and out of bodies I just grabbed one of everything white off the rack and put it in the basket.  Some of them were buried deep on the rack so I had to reach deep in to get them.  For some reason this one woman kept deciding to block the exact rack I was going for.  She would turn and look to where I was going then stop and pause in front of it for what felt like an hour before moving on and letting me in.  I finally finished and quickly walked out and towards the checkout.  I was dripping with sweat by now and my face was still burning up.

Another fun attribute of  shopping during the Christmas season is the checkout lines.  I found the "shortest" one, which was about 6 customers deep.  I had sort of wished I had gotten some other things as standing in a long, slow line holding a shopping basket of white fur felt awkward.

"Are you in line now?"
"Yes."
"How do you feel?"
"Not good."
"Awww."
"I wish you were here."
"I wish I was there too.  But if I was there, I'd still make you shop by yourself while I watched from a distance, but this time you'd be in tight sweatpants and a remote control vibrating cock ring.  Would you like that more?"
"No."
"You know when you say no what usually happens right?"
"Yes."
"Are you hard?"
"Yes."
"Good."

I turned my head and realized that the woman who had been blocking me in the section was directly behind me in line.  35 minutes later I could finally put my basket at the register.  I stayed on my phone like a douche bag.  The clerk removed each item, scanned them, then spent several seconds folding each item and placing them carefully into a bag.

"Can I get a gift receipt?"
"How many do you need?"
"Umm, one for each?"

She sighed and rolled her eyes and shook her head.  The woman behind me in line let out a pshaw.

"She knows those aren't even gifts," said K.  "Look at her face, she knows you're a sissy slave."
"No."
"You know, if you had only bought one or two items a gift would have been believable."
"I'm almost done."  I attempted to just small talk until it was over.
"If you had asked for one gift receipt she may have bought it."

I left the store and got into my car, hung up with K and drove home.  When I got home she was waiting online and told me to get ready to model them on cam.  I didn't even realize how much I had bought, I just grabbed one of everything.  They were all faux.  The items ended up being: one pair of gloves with fur cuffs, two pairs of earmuffs (one over the head and one with a knit around the head headband), a bucket hat, a hood with fur trim and an attached scarf, a fur scarf, a fur headband, and a fur collar that had a ribbon tie.

"Nothing with pom poms?" she asked while doing a fake, exaggerated frown.

After seeing them all, K gave me instructions to put on the collar, gloves, scarf, the pink punishment hat, and the headband earmuffs over it.  I did as instructed, my face burning hotter than when I was in the store and my penis went erect.  She gave another set of instructions to position the webcam so it was facing the mirror on my door and to call her and put her on speaker phone.

"Pinch your nipples."
I did as she said while looking at the ground.
"Look at yourself in the mirror."
"I don't want to, Mistress."
"Look at yourself, now!"
I did as instructed.  I looked ridiculous and my face was completely red.
"Your dick is hard isn't it?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"Stroke it."
"Yes, Mistress."
"Keep looking at yourself."
"Yes, Mistress."
"Faster."
"Yes, Mistress."

Her breathing went erratic, I could tell she was masturbating as she continued to speak.

"Stroke it... faster..."
"Yes, Mistress."
"They... all... knew... this is... what you... would... be... doing."
I didn't respond.
"Si... ssy... slave... in pret... ty... white... fur."
I didn't respond.
"Say it!  Say you're a sissy slave!"  I could tell she was getting close to an orgasm.
"I don't feel good, Mistress."
"Say it!  Now!"
"I'm a sissy slave," I mumbled.
"I can't hear you!!"
"I'm a sissy slave."  She let out a loud moan as she came. Her breathing returned to normal.
"Yes, you're a sissy slave in pretty white fur.  Stroke it faster.  Keep looking at yourself."
"Yes, Mistress."  I continued.
"Who does this sissy slave belong to?"
"To you, Mistress."
"Yes, you... are... mine." Her breathing told me she had started again.
"Thank you, Mistress."
"Does... the... si... ssy... slave... like... his new... fur?"
"It makes me feel screwed up, Mistress."
"Why should... Mis... tress... care... how... a... slave... feels?"
I didn't respond.
"I... can... do... what... ever... I want... with you.  Oh... I'm so wet..."

K must have moved the phone near her crotch.  I could hear the sound of her fingers rubbing back and forth and it sounded like a child splashing in the bathtub.

"I'm... so... wet... sissy..."  The next sounds were mostly moans as she came for the second time in under 5 minutes.

"Keep stroking it.  Look at yourself."
"Yes, Mistress."
"Are you close?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"How close?"
"Very close, can I cum please, Mistress?"
"Not yet."
"Think about how good this feels, sissy slave.  Think about how happy this makes me.  You're going to do this whenever I want you to."
"I'm close, Mistress."
"Not yet.  Do you love me?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"Does this feel good?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"Does it feel good to be a sissy slave?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"Moan louder."
I let out a low moan.
"Louder!"
I got louder.
"Keep going."  I frantically tried to hold back which gave me a desperate feeling inside.  The pitch of the noises coming out of my mouth started to sound more like suffering.
"Louder!"
"Can I cum please, Mistress?"
"Now cum!"

I exploded onto the mirror.  It was a vicious orgasm both volume and force.
"Thank you, Mistress. I love you."
"Clean up quickly and call me back."

I did as instructed.
"How do you feel?"
"A little weird."
"Was the orgasm good?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"Are you a sissy slave?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"No, you're not.  Now come back to me.  You may remove the fur."  I undressed.
"You're my sub now, not my sissy slave.  Come back to me."
"I love you, Mistress."
"I love you to.  Now come back to me.  Do you feel better?"
"Yes, Mistress.  I feel a lot better."
"Are you my sub now?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"Devoted only to me?"
"Yes, Mistress."
"Good.  That was your second layer."
"It scares me, Mistress."
"It should scare you.  There's a reason that I want you to be a sub and not a slave, but I think you'll need that part of you to become comfortable with your fetishes."
"I love you so much.  How was your orgasm?"
"I think you could tell."
"You came faster than usual.  Does that mean you like that part of me better?"
"I don't know.  This is new to me.  I know I love the sub you, but I think your sissy slave is good as well."

I've realized a few things now that I didn't see back then.  Firstly, I think I was heavily blinded by her confidence that I didn't give credence to the pressure she must have felt trying to be a good Domme.  In most cases it takes years to get comfortable with and K was doing very well after a matter of months, learning while she went.  I think some of the difficulties that we had were due to the inexperience but she never shared that side with me and I sort of wish she would have.

Second, I can barely fathom just how much reading she must have done in 3 days to be able to gain some understanding of my fledgling slavespace vs. subspace and how to bring me back from it.  I know she really cared about me.

Through this I also really got a sense that K really got off on humiliation.  When I was out shopping she would just say things that would increase my self-consciousness and agitation.  As if dealing with the inner battle wasn't enough, adding doubt by getting me to focus on others was quite the cherry on top, keeping in mind that this was really my first time out doing something like this.

Random note:  If anyone finds the back and forth quotes too much of a burden to read without having a "she said" "I said" on every line, let me know and I can add them.

To be continued.